Stlsports [Archive]

Welcome to the Stlsports Archive blog

2007-08-01T21:00:00.000-05:00

Thanks for visiting the Stlsports Archive page, here on Blogger.

A little background: During the summer of 2006, I was tooling around with doing a sports-themed satire blog. I liked The Onion, The Brushback, and The Sports Pickle, all fine publications. But I believed that St. Louis deserved its own sports satire site, written by someone who knows and loves local sports.

So, on August 9, 2006, I made my first posts and continued from there. The format was once or twice a week with two-a-days early on to boost the amount of content. Almost a year later, I had about 300 posts.

The formats of the posts evolved into several classes. Some posts were completely fictional, while others had elements of truth or were based on current news. Commentaries became integrated into the posts, as well as collections of Rejected Sports Headlines. Often those rejects would turn into articles down the line.

Along the way, I picked up a Local Blog O' The Week award from the Riverfront Times. A loyal readership of friends, and some other random people whose identities remain a mystery to me, ensued.

As you will see from the label index on the left, some sports and political figures were more favored than others. The label index is a nice feature on Blogger.

Stlsports continued through another mediocre Rams season, another mediocre Blues season, and a... Cardinals World Series win! Other ancillary sports stuff happened, but that was the big thing.

The old Stlsports was housed on blog-city, which decided that it would charge people for blogging at the end of the year, with some privileges cut off prior to that. Blog-city, which is based in England somewhere, was nice while it lasted, but I don't feel like paying someone just to hold an archive of my stuff. So here I am on Blogger.

As 2007 reached its midway point, the posts became a little more strained, and less funny, to be truthful. I felt like I was rehashing some of the same gags and my caricatures of players had turned into caricatures of themselves. I got a new (read: far better) job, my kid is getting older, and things are so busy, I just did not have the time to invest into Stlsports that it deserved.

So I moved the archive here, to Blogger, where it can continue to be read and linked to. I will come up with another blog, and I have some ideas, but this one will not be added to on the archive page, other than to bring over content from blog-city.

I have to add the entries one at a time, since there is no migration feature on Blogger, not that blog-city migrates well to anyone else anyway. That just takes time, but does not result in a loss of content. The one big drawback for you, the reader (assuming you exist), is that prior comments will be lost. Sorry, but it is the price you pay to keep the Stlsports postings alive on Blogger.

Enjoy!

- Stlsports

Local homosexual wins fantasy football league

2007-01-01T13:00:00.000-06:00

A local homosexual managed to win his fantasy football league, much to the shock and amazement of his fellow fake football team managers.

Despite a pitiful track record in the past, and despite repeated instances of blatent, gross incompetence, somehow, by some incredible manifestation Flapjack won the fantasy football league. I have no idea how this finally happened. I guess this is parity in its most sinister form.

The good news for the rest of us is that he retains his title of Beer Bitch until the beginning of the 2007-2008 draft in August. The bad news is that now he gets to rant and rave with some real gloat behind it. His insane postings used to be comical and ignorable. Now I guess we have to kind of listen to him. How can the perennial league doormat rise to this level? God only knows. God and the voodoo preist Flapjack undoubtedly paid.

So congratulations, you clown. I guess even a blind dog finds a bone sometimes. You demanded a blog posting in your honor to commemorate the occasion of your championship, and here it is. Be careful what you wish for.

Brokeback Mountain confuses, disturbs some Blues players

2006-12-28T13:00:00.000-06:00

The new Andy Murray regime at the St. Louis Blues franchise has seen some tough times. The first few games after Murray took over, subsequent to the firing of Mike Kitchen, were as ugly as it gets. Then, suddenly, the team started winning. Now that the Kitchen-era struggles seemed to be behind the team, coach Murray decided it was time for some team male bonding. Murray had some motivational speeches and activities planned for the players during an off-day retreat this past week. However, things took a turn for the worse when the motivational movie selected by the new coach was Brokeback Mountain.

In case you have been living under a rock, Brokeback Mountain is about two gay cowboys who love each other. Really, there is no need to explain it any further, since that pretty much sums it up for people who like westerns. If you like gay movies, then this is right up your alley. Have a great time. Stlsports missed that one, and it was no accident. Lots of people (not friends) told Stlsports what an amazing, beautiful, lifechanging movie it was. Hey, that's great. I am still not going to see it. No thanks. I don't care how many Oscar nominations and awards it was up for. The Oscars are rigged, anyway. Gay cowboys? Good God, man!

So, getting back to the story, Andy Murray, who never goes to the movies, called up his old buddy Joel Quenville, who is now the coach of the Colorado Avalanche. Coach Q, as he is known, was the predecessor to Mike Kitchen, and his needless dismissal left a bad taste in his mouth. Regardless of the politics of the business end of the National Hockey League, Murray felt that he could reach out to Quenville. According to Murray, "I asked Q if he knew of any recent movies that showed a bond between friends. See, I don't really go to the movies that much and I know Joel does like to see a movie once a while in the theater. He suggested Brokeback Mountain. He said it was a western that had just come out and won a bunch of awards, and it was all about male bonding. Well, that was good enough for me. I am trying to get these guys to bond here, and this movie was going to inspire them." After a pensive moment, he continued, "Not such a great idea after all."

Coach Q, reached for comment, noted, "I can't believe he actually showed that to the team. I bet post-game showers will be a little strange from now on. Kind of nice throwing a monkey wrench into the Blues team that fired me for no damned reason. Of couse, that team is so bad right now, I guess it wasn't really necessary. But, you know what? To hell with them fellas!"

Coach Murray, at the retreat, put in the DVD and noted, "I want you guys to understand what my regime as head coach is all about. I want to see quality male bonding and teamwork. This movie is all about male bonding and teamwork and solid relationships. Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to have a coaches meeting to draw up some plays. I will return when the video is over." With that the coach left his team to the screening of Brokeback Mountain. Upon his return, confusion was abound.

Veteran Jamal Mayers stated, "I don't know what that movie had to do with hockey, but I am a little confused. This is what Andy Murray's style of hockey is all about? What?" Defenseman Barrett Jackman had similar issues, noting, "Why did he show that movie? Listen, there is nothing wrong with being gay. Hell, there is nothing wrong with being a gay cowboy. My only fault lies in showing a gay cowboy movie to a hockey team and telling the team that this movie represents your visions for the hockey team. Does anyone else think that is a little odd?" Forward Bill Guerin, new to the team this season, added, "Does the team management have any idea who the hell they hired when they hired this guy? This is the second gayest western I have ever seen, right after the Young Guns, which was pretty gay. Regardless, I am showering at home after games from now on."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

[By the way, for an excellent Brokeback Mountain parody, Google 'Brokeback to the Future.]

Death of Gerald Ford hits Pujols particularly hard

2006-12-27T13:00:00.000-06:00

When news reached Albert Pujols this morning about the death of Gerald Ford, he was visibly shaken. Normally a man who shows little emotion, he was moved to tears. Quietly, he called his friends to tell them of the tragic news, and took the day off of training to spend time with his family. Only once in a while does something this disappointing and upsetting shake the foundations of a person as resolute as Pujols. He spent the day in mourning, and only this evening did he finally grant the press the interview that it was seeking. Below is a transcript of the emotional interview:

Pujols: I wanted to talk to you guys today about the loss of Gerald Ford. This is a sad day for America and a sad day for the Pujols family.

Media: Albert, why has this incident struck you particularly hard?

Pujols: Well, when I first came to this country, it was Gerald Ford that brought me into America and the Kansas City area. Because of Gerald Ford, my family was taken care of and I was given my first good job. I paid my way through high school and into junior college. I owe everything to Gerald Ford. That is why this is so sad.

Media: We had no idea of the role Gerald Ford played in your life. When did you first meet the President?

Pujols: Well, he was not the president at the time. He was actually the manager. He was quite helpful to me, and I think I met him in 1989 when I first came to America.

Media: The manager of what, Albert?

Pujols: Well the manager of Gerald Ford. His name was Roscoe Johnson. Mr. Johnson was so nice to us. Like I said, he even game me my first job washing cars on the sales lot. I only made a few dollars an hour, but it was more money that I was used to. My family is so appreciative of what Gerald Ford did for us.

Media: Albert, you aren't talking about the Gerald Ford dealership out by Grandview in suburban Kansas City, are you?

Pujols: Well, yeah, man. I heard that the place died. You know, I got my first Ford from that place and ... hey, where are you all going?

Media: We are all going home. Clearly there is some mistake, you complete moron. You called us here for something so stupid, it is incomprehensible. The car dealership known as Gerald Ford is, presumably, still open for business. Gerald Ford, the 38th president of the United States, died. I assume you never met the man?

Pujols: Well, no. [pause] So, you are saying that Gerald Ford is still open? Oh, happy day! I am so relieved.

Suzy Kolber's new hairdoo top NFL story in St. Louis

2006-12-26T13:00:00.000-06:00

Suzy Kolber, the sideline reporter for Monday Night Football, got a new haircut this past week (or maybe it was sooner, but I didn't notice). She has long been known for her gigantic, thick, helmet of a harido, and it had become her trademark look. In fact, there are several websites dedicated to Kolber-worship in one way or another. Suzy is a seasoned and respected reporter, and was a party to one of the finest on-air off-the-field moments ever in Jets history. Personally, Stlsports liked the old haircut, since it added an air of mystery to her. Now, it is clear that she is really not all that good looking and I am glad that I decided to stick with my wife after all. So why is this news? Because this is all that anyone can talk about at Rams park, and that seems to upset some members of the current Rams team.

Running back Steven Jackson, who is having the break out season that he promised, scored the overtime game-winning touchdown at home against the Washington [un-P.C. term] football team last Sunday at home. No one in town watched the game on television, since the game did not sell out by the Thursday deadline, and instead the local fans were forced to watch two really good teams who will both likely be in the playoffs compete in an excellent game. Too bad the Rams picked the blacked-out game to put on such an excellent performance, because no one in town seems to be talking about it. Only Suzy Kolber's hairdo and opinions on the same were the topics of discussion. Jackson, reached for comment on the Kolber haircut situation, noted, "I am so sick of hearing about that woman. Why aren't we talking about my play this past weekend? There is a little something called the playoffs that we are in contention for, and I would like to know if anyone has any questions relating to the playoffs."

In response to Jackson's tirade, Rams beat writer for the Post-Dispatch, Jim Thomas, asked the running back if he thought Kolber should go back to wearing her hair in a giant poof for the playoffs or if the new wavy, sexy doo was a better option. Jackson only replied with profanities, and then wondered out loud why no one in the locker room cared about the Rams' playoff chances.

Quarterback Marc Bulger, always being diplomatic in the locker room, added, "Well, I admit that the chances of us getting into the playoffs are pretty remote. And by 'pretty remote', I mean meteor hitting the earth and exploding nothing but gold nuggets into my pickup truck, while simultaneously striking oil on my front lawn. Pretty remote, indeed. But Steven has a right to be upset. He has really worked hard half of the season or so and deserves more respect. We should be talking to him about the playoffs, or whatever, and not Suzy Kolber's terrible new doo. Man, I would have hooked up with her in a second beforehand, but now, the mystery is all gone. I don't know if I like it. Suzy, you used to be a little cuter but now, I don't think it's you, babe."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Merry Christmas from Stlsports!

2006-12-25T13:00:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas!

The wife kicked some major ass this year. I scored The Baseball Book from Sports Illustrated and a framed photo print from the World Series celebration. She also got me a zip up Cardinals sweatshirt, in my size and in my style. She should be commended.

Hope everyone had a safe and pleasant holiday! Busy sports week coming up!

Happy Festivus from Stlsports!

2006-12-22T13:00:00.000-06:00

Here at Stlsports, we wish you a joyous and safe Festivus, just a day early. While the true origins of the holiday are debatable, no one can deny the merit of getting everything out in the open. Local sports figures have joined in the Festivus spirit by participating in the rich tradition of the Airing of Grievances, as excerpted below. Hope you are all ready for the celebration! Enjoy!

Bill DeWitt to the St. Louis City Fire Marshall: You disappointed me by not letting me squeeze more seats into that stadium! Do you know how much money your precious little 'Fire Code' costs me each game?

Jason Marquis to the 2006 Cardinals Offense: You caused me great disappointment by not providing me with run support in excess of ten runs per game, and thus costing me millions! Thank God for the crazy Cubbies!

Brad Soderberg to Tyler Hansborough: I am very very disappointed with your choice to attend North Carolina. What kind of future do you expect down there? This is the big time, here in St. Louis! You fool!

Rams front office to ticket scaplers: Why could'nt you buy up the rest of those tickets against Washington this weekend? Now the game is blacked out and the St. Louis football fans will have to watch a really good game for once and see how nice things are going in other towns! Damn you!

Mark Mulder to his physicians: I am disappointed that you did not give me the bionic robot arm that was promised in the pre-surgery brochure. Now I have to negotiate with these loser teams. Thanks a lot, Dr. Quack!

Mike Kitchen to the Blues front office: My disappointment in you lies in the fact that you would not buy me out of my contract sooner than you did. Now I have missed the prime Canadian fly fishing season. And for what? To be at the helm of that quote-unquote team for a few extra weeks?

P.F.L.A.G. to the Rams: Our disappointment lies in the incredible statistics that show that there are zero gay or lesbian head coaches in the NFL, and the Rams did not interview even one gay or lesbian head coach this past offseason. This blatant discrimination is inbominable and has to be changed.

Alex Barron to Richie Incognito: I am disappointed in all of the stupid penalties that you get that cost this team field position and kill drives. You stink.

The guy who wears the Fredbird suit to Mark Lamping: What disappointment I feel in that you couldn't spring to get this suit drycleaned even once! Do you know how stinky that costume got by mid-October? And how about putting a fan or something in there?

Rick Ankiel to the Cardinals: I am disappointed you cut me. Thanks for nothing.

The Cardinals to Rick Ankiel: Don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you, you staggering disappointment of a nutcase.

John Davison to the St. Louis community: I am disappointed in your attendance. Why aren't you supporting us carte blanche? What did we do to deserve this? [pause] Oh, yeah, that's right, now I remember. Wow, I guess we DO deserve this.

St. Louis community to the NFL: We are all disappointed in the NFL Network money-grab exploitation. Kiss our collective butts!

Stlsports to Willis McGahee, Edgerrin James, Santana Moss, Jake Delhomme, Byron Leftwich, Musin Mohammed, and Derrick Mason: Thanks for the disappointing fantasy season, losers. My 4-9 team wouldn't have been all it could be without all of you giving your very best half-assed performance this year. You are all on my 'list'.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Fan / alumnus reaction to Missouri State loss

2006-12-21T13:00:00.001-06:00

Actual conversation I had with Flapjack this afternoon. It should be noted that Flapjack went to Missouri State University.

Stlsports: Hello?

Flapjack: So SLU cheated, did you hear?

Stlsports: I don't think that there was any cheating.

Flapjack: Totally cheating.

Stlsports: The fact that the ref might have missed the call, all because of what a recently-released "scout tape" shows, while Soderberg quietly waited for the decision, is cheating? Do you even know the definition of the word 'cheating'?

Flapjack: This just gives more fuel to those Billiken sympathizers at the Post-Dispatch. Did you read Burwell? Or Miklasz? They do anything they can to talk about SLU like it is Notre Dame or Boston College.

Stlsports: What are you talking about? I don't think you and I are reading the same newspapers.

Flapjack: They said SLU would've made a mistake joining the Missouri Valley Conference, compared to the A-10! The MVC is totally a better basketball conference.

Stlsports: Again, I don't think we are reading the same articles. That's not what it said. Sometimes you make no sense.

[pause]

Flapjack: Hey, what are you doing tonight? Wanna go over to Schlafly [Tap Room] and have some beers tonight?

Special Edition: Phoenix bureau

2006-12-21T13:00:00.000-06:00

Actual conversation I had with a Phoenix taxicab driver yesterday, while on the way to the airport to get the hell out of that damned desert:

Phoenix Taxicab Driver: Are you headed home for the holidays?

Stlsports: No, actually I am from St. Louis and here on a one day business trip.

Phoenix Taxicab Driver: Saint Louis, huh? Hey, would you [referring undoubtedly to St. Louis in general] mind taking the Cardinals back?

Stlsports: No thanks.

Phoenix Taxicab Driver: Well what about the Bidwells?

Stlsports: No, you can keep them too.

Phoenix Taxicab Driver: I don't know much about football, but I know it's hard to throw the football when you are on your back all the time.

Stlsports: Well observed.

Phoenix Taxicab Driver: Thanks, by the way, for that home opener.

Stlsports: No problem. A vision of things to come for that nice new stadium.

What a sad man. But then I got thinking: What if the Greatest Show on Turf never happened? Say the Faulk deal never happens and Kurt Warner doesn't get promoted from backup. Would I be telling someone from Los Angeles if they would like the pitiful Rams back? How about that nutbar owner Georgia? Food for thought. Glad to be back home.

SLU beats MSU, but not the good one

2006-12-20T13:00:00.001-06:00

Saint Louis University has been making significant strides in the past few seasons to advance the national (and local) image of the men's basketball team. For the first time in a while, the team is off to a hot start and has put together a promising season. With what is anticipated to be a below average conference schedule, the importance of the early season non-conference games cannot be overlooked if SLU has any ambitions to return to the NCAA tournament in March. Some quality wins over good opponents would certainly help, and the Billikens were poised to take on MSU at ScottTrade Center yesterday. Much to their surprise, a team other than Michigan State showed up to the arena, and SLU reluctantly beat them instead.

Just recently South West Missouri State University decided that directionally-names schools are not cool. North East Missouri State University, striving to get potential students to not realize that the school is located in NE MO (God-forsaken Kirksville, to be exact) changed its name to Truman State in the late 1990s. SWMSU thought that it would be a good idea to keep directions out of its name as well and, after years' of battling in the state legislature, the name was only recently changed to Missouri State University, or MSU for short. Too bad for MSU, but several other NCAA Division I schools are already initialed MSU, and this can lead to confusion, as it did the other day.

Said Billikens head coach Brad Soderberg, "I heard we had MSU coming up and I watched a ton of tape. I was pretty amped up to play Michigan State, such a presigious basketball program, but when I heard it wasn't going to be them, I assumed it would be Mississippi State, and no it wasn't them either. Montana State seemed like it might be too small to play us but I was willing to deal with it, but it was not them either. Someone then mentioned that SWMSU changed its name and I remembered seeing something about that in the paper a while back. Oh well the bottom line is we had to beat them instead of some other MSU team. All the same I guess. I still would have liked to get a crack at the real MSU, you know, the one in Michigan."

The game was exciting for all, except local Michigan State alums who showed up to cheer on their team. Several thousand were in attendance. Noted one alumnus, "To say the least, I was pissed off. Who falsely advertised this as a MSU game? This is not MSU! There is only one real MSU! So I booed those Missouri State kids up and down the court, with the rest of us true MSU fans. We show up in force. I think the booing and heckling from the MSU fans won the game for the Billikens, I really do. Serves them right for stealing our name!"

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Assless chaps makes unacceptable attire list

2006-12-20T13:00:00.000-06:00

The St. Louis Blues, in an effort to revamp a struggling team, have fired former head coach Mike Kitchen and replaced him with veteran coach Andy Murray. Kitchen's previous coaching experience was limited to assisting Joel Quenville with the Blues, and, while he is universally liked, he is not considered to be head coaching material. As is the case in most professional sports, onet team's trash is another's treasure, and after a few months of unemployment, subsequent to a firing from the Los Angeles Kings, the Blues called Murray in for an interview and hired him soon thereafter.

One of the first things on Andy Murray's agenda is to clean up some of the poor behavior in the locker room. Several veterans have been making messes and not cleaning them up, while others are pushing around the rookies a little too much, and efforts have been made to curb those issues. Loud music and profanity has been reduced by Murray's initiatives. Additionally, the players are to show up to and leave from games in suits. Murray expressed frustration at the clothing options that several players have been choosing.

Particularly troubling for Murray has been Doug Weight's habit of showing up to games at the arena in assless chaps and a 'No Fat Chicks' t-shirt. "I don't know what sort of stuff he picked up in Carolina," noted Murray, referring to Weight's brief stint there at the end of last season and into the playoffs, "but that is just plain unacceptable. At least he has had the common courtesy to wear jean cut-off hotpants under the chaps, but that is a little deranged for hockey players."

In addition to Weight's clothing choices, Bill Guerin has been wearing a woman's girdle under his sweatshirts. Guerin, reached for comment, said, "The men's girdle's aren't as soft on my skin, and I have sensitive skin. Look, I am old and I have a little bit of a pooch. Let's not discuss it, please." Other changes include veteran winger Jamal Mayers, who has been rumored to have nothing on under that body length trenchcoat that has become his trademark appearance, and defenseman Barrett Jackman, whose Halloween 'tube sock' incident need not be retold here.

Coach Murray noted, "This is about putting a respectable team on the ice. It starts with looking acceptable off the ice, not like some looney toon from San Francisco or something."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Special Edition: Rejected Sports Headlines [Part 5]

2006-12-18T13:00:00.000-06:00

More rejected headlines from the area's leading sports satire blog:

LaRussa cracks top five mullet listing [I wrote the title and never got back to it. Then I realized he didn't really have much of a mullet anymore. Reminds me of the time we went to the Monster Truck show with the disposable mullet cam ... another time perhaps.]

Full of profanities and inappropriate photographs, Scott Rolen's MySpace page taken down [He seems so wholesome and midwest, he was the right candidate to nominate for a terms-of-use violation on MySpace.]

Leonard Little signs three year taxicab endorsement [Too bad he wasn't elected to the ProBowl this season. Too bad I keep referring to his off the field issues.]

Holiday family poker game turns ugly [My in-laws have holiday family poker games several times a year, and there is rarely any trouble, despite the incredible amount of drinking that is going on. One day, a brawl will break out on a really really bad beat to a sloppy drunk idiot, and I hope I am not that idiot.]

Beer makes hockey bearable [The thing is, beer actually makes hockey just as unbearable right now as it would be sober. I cannot believe they stink this badly.]

Monday Night Football Surprise: Kevin Curtis graduated from Bovine University [If you missed the Simpsons episode where Lisa swears off meat, this makes no sense. Even if you saw that one, this is still pretty dumb.]

Blues anticipate being eliminated from playoffs by Friday [Of course they are not mathematically eliminated, at least not yet, but that is a small triviality.]

Rams looking to trade down in first round for defensive bust [This joke was used as a sub-line in a previous post, so no need to reuse it.]

Zito: Sure, I'd pitch for the Cardinals. If winged monkey's came out of Jocketty's ass! Carrying millions of dollars to me! [You needed to have seen the LaRussa 'har-de-har-har' 'Barry Zito' press conference for this to make any sense. The title was longer in draft.]

Concerned Rams see no obvious high risk, high talent players available [Did I mention my dislike for the Rams' drafting?]

Twenty story neon sign to replace very undersized Hardee's sign at Busch [The Hardee's sign at Busch right now can be seen from space.]

Just like old times, Blues cannot beat Red Wings with Hull in the building [I am sure the Blues' record with Hull against Detroit is actually not so bad.]

So Taguchi: Where was that million dollar posting process when I came over? [Referencing D-Matz and the BoSox's absurd price paid to talk to the dude.]

Suppan, encouraged by Marquis, waiting for crazy offer [This headline has no place on a satire sports blog, of course, because it is completely true.]

Magnum condums found in white player's locker raise eyebrows [This is a family blog, and there is no room for those kind of jokes here.]

WNBA expansion group laughed out of city council meeting [Again, this might actually happen in real life.]

Marshall Faulk finally punches Michael Irvin in the face live on NFL Network [I wish this would happen, but it won't. Not that anyone here would be able to see it, anyway.]

'Tough Actin' Tinactin, when sprayed on Pujols' flaming feet, only worsens the problem [Why is spraying aerosol on an open flame on human flesh a good idea? Oh, wait, this was suggested by John Madden.]

Competitive sports video gamer unable to back up smack talking with game play [Talking trash to video game opponents? Studly. Totally studly.]

After saving a dying child on-air, Kornheiser still disliked by viewers [Why people dislike him so much, I will never know. So he's not Howard Cosell. At least he's not Dennis Miller.]

Torry Holt wears unfly suit in post-game interview [He's well dressed, in case you haven't noticed.]

College rugby tournament suspended due to beer shortage [This, again, probably has actually happened.]

[These stories would have been satires of public figures.]

Alex Barron preemptively called for five false start penalties

2006-12-15T20:38:00.000-06:00

The Rams have a tough test this weekend, and not just because they are playing on the road. While it is true that the Rams are playing the putrid Oakland Raiders in the Ex-Los Angeles Relocation Bowl, there are bigger problems for the team to face down besides their terrible track record away from the Dome during the seasons past. It is the inconsistent play of the Rams' offensive line, which has been plagued by penalties and errors in the past few weeks. The league officials assigned to this spectacle have already prepared for this upcoming game by preemptively calling offensive tackle Alex Barron for five false start penalties, two days before the game takes place.

Noted head coach Scott Linehan, "I am just glad that they did not mix in a couple holding penalties, because it would not surprise me if that was to happen a few times this Sunday as well. Toss in some Richie Incognito illegal blocks and an unsportsmanlike conduct flag, and you've got yourself an O-line." When asked if he thought it was highly inappropriate for the league to penalize Barron for penalties he has not yet committed, and very well might not commit, he replied, "Frankly, after what I have seen in practice this week, five false starts might get us off a little easy."

Confronted with the situation, team president John Shaw commented, "Seriously, things are getting a little nuts here, having watched these games and from what I have seen in practices." He continued, "I wonder if [punter] Matt Turk can pass block without getting a penalty on a drive. That might be something new for us to try. I know Steven Jackson loves picking up the pass rushers that move through the revolving door between Incognito and Barron. We could have him move up to the line to block."

The Rams have asked the league officiating crew if the false start penalties could all be enforced simultaneously on the opening drive in the hopes that Barron doesn't hurt the Rams too badly in this game, throughout the game. Linehan noted, "I think we can deal with a first and forty to start the game. Those penalties really kill drives and by putting them together early on, we can work with it from there. Even though this seems rediculous, it is a huge advantage for us. Later in the game when he is jumping out of his shoes at the defensive linemen taunting, we will still be in great shape because of the referees' ingenuity. Really, this is a great innovation for the league."

In a seemingly unrelated story, Chris Henry of the Cincinnati Bengals was preemptively arrested for gun charges yesterday, Rams defensive end Leonard Little was preemptively ticketed for an undisclosed driving offense (which was later dismissed), and LaDanian Tomlinson was preemptively suspended by the league for using an as of yet undetectable banned performance enhancing substance.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Troy Smith and Brady Quinn rooting for the Rams

2006-12-15T13:00:00.000-06:00

With the latest Rams loss, the team has dropped into the bottom third of the league ranking in wins, putting them in the top third of the potential order for next spring's football entry draft. The worse the team performs, the better their draft position. While many members of the Rams do actually have some pride in their jobs, there is a call to let some backups play and give time to rookies since the playoffs are now seemingly out of reach. At least a couple high profile football athletes are rooting for the Rams: Brady Quinn and Troy Smith.

Last season, in what was essentially a meaningless game for the Rams, the team pulled of an end of the year upset over the Dallas Cowboys. This was a morale boost to a tired and depleted Rams squad and knocked the Cowboys out of contention for a playoff spot. However, this also moved the team down a handful of spots in the draft. Had they remained in the top six picks, it was widely believed that the team would have taken tight end Vernon Davis in the first round. Instead, the Rams decided to trade their later pick to move down and take cornerback Tye Hill. During the draft last spring, the team played with the idea of taking quarterback Jay Cutler in the first round and general athlete Devon Hester in the second round. This points to a Rams desire to shore up the quarterback position in this spring's draft, and two of the top prospect quarterbacks are turning into Rams fans accordingly.

Said Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn, "I am rooting for the Rams, even against my favorite teams. Getting the Rams into the top seven or eight picks puts me at a risk of being drafted by them, and that would suck ass. That city has no nightlife, no cool beautiful people like me, no sexy ladies, and no attraction to me whatsoever. Plus, that team is a pain in the butt. Maybe under Martz, where I could have thrown the ball like a fool on each down, I could have had fun. But a run-first team? Not for me, no sir. Here I come, sunny and warm Miami! Let's get some more wins, Rams! Get out of that top ten!"

Echoing Quinn's sentiments was Ohio State quarterback and recent recipient of the Heisman Trophy, Troy Smith. He has been projected as a top ten pick, similar to the position that Jay Cutler was in last spring. Noted Smith, "Please oh please oh please don't let me get drafted by those Rams. The weather stinks there and that team is on the decline. I'm sorry to you St. Louis people, but I need to get to some place warmer like Houston, or Miami, or even Oakland. I am so desperate not to be on the Rams that I would go to Oakland. Think about that. Oakland."

The Rams, not flattered with these comments, noted through team president John Shaw, "Well if they don't want us, then we don't want them. Listen, we only make a good first round pick every few seasons. First it was Orlando Pace and then we tanked it for a while. Then someone at the Dallas table told us about Torry Holt so we picked him up. I would say we cannot make a good first round pick until, oh, let's say 2009? Yeah, then we will get a good one. Until then, it is first round defensive busts for us! Wish us luck!"

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Originally a joke, Marquis contract actually binding

2006-12-14T13:00:00.000-06:00

Jason Marquis was not the exemplar of fine starting pitching last season. He came close, in the 2006 campaign, to shattering the record for earned run average by a pitcher to lead his league in wins. Just a couple games that might have gone the Cardinals' way and he would be in infamous company. Regardless, Marquis earned a reputation both in the locker room and in the media as someone who refused to listen to coaching. While his talent might have been of high ceiling caliber, his mental state prevented him from attaining his true potential. It was commonly believed that if Leo Mazzone and Dave Duncan could not right his pitching ship, then no one could.

Despite these problems and his inconsistent play and his fastball's inexplicable desire to stay in the top half of the strike zone, the Chicago Cubs have signed Marquis to a three year contract valued at over twenty million dollars total. Many people are baffled, and the Cubs management has been cryptic in their response.

Reached for comment, manager Tony LaRussa mentioned, "Well, there is a sucker born every minute. I don't know what kind of medication they have Hendry on up there," referring to the recovering general manager, who had undergone some medical procedures lately, "but this is not what I would consider to be a smart business move. And believe me I know smart when I see it. I went to law school, you know. I am smart and I know smart when I see it. They don't call me the Supergenius Manager of the Century for nothing." When asked who specifically called him the 'Supergenius Manager of the Century', LaRussa remarked, "My laborador. His name is Steve."

Rumors coming out of Chicago have suggested that Hendry wanted to sign Marquis as a gag gift for new manager Lou Pinella. It turned out that Marquis was not in on the joke and signed a real contract. Pinella, reacting to the news of the joke contract, noted, "Well that IS pretty darn funny. Marquis! Whew, what a good one! That guy has some mental problems, and frankly he can unload his baggage somewhere else." It was then explained to Pinella that the contract turned out to be real, to which he replied, "This is a black day for baseball."

The Marquis scandal has rocked the Cubs media world, which was already struggling to understand why management would ever sign someone like Ted Lilly, a career losing pitcher with a mediocre earned run average to a lengthy contract for eight figures per season, and why a clubhouse pain in the rhumpus like Alfonso Soriano would be signed to one of the largest contracts in baseball history. In response to these rumors, Jim Hendry replied, "Aliens are coming to take over this planet, and I am going to be the ambassador to Jupiter. This I think is all the explanation you should need, and my reasons should be apparent. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a conference call with the aliens in five minutes. And I need to put on this lipstick and these women's clothes."

Despite all of the criticism, Marquis has remained steadfast in his position that this contract was not a frivilous waste of money entered into at the behest of a madman. Jason, when asked what he thought of the deal, explained, "Bwaaahahahahahahahaha!" Asked to elaborate, wiping some tears from his eyes, he continued, "Hahahahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahaha!"

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Voodoo spell broken, Ankiel finally released

2006-12-13T13:00:00.000-06:00

Stunning news came from the St. Louis Cardinals front office earlier today when it was announced that former rookie sensation Rick Ankiel was finally released from the organization. After a phenomenal 2000 rookie campaign, where he was near the top of the league in strikeouts, Ankiel struggled mightily in the playoffs, airmailing five pitches in one inning to the backstop. This performance has often been rumored as the foundation for manager Tony LaRussa's distrust of rookies in critical situations and his hesitation to use them in anything but an emergency. After attempting a couple comebacks as a pitcher, Rick decided in spring training of 2005 that he would remake himself as an outfielder, and the team continued to inexplicably stick with him. Only now, more than six years since his postseason implosion, has the front office finally cut ties with this hack former star. The move has been blamed on one thing: the breaking of a voodoo curse.

During the 2001 season, Ankiel could often be seen in the stands, basking in the glory of his hair gel and tanning booth lines from the box seats. After his offseason procedures, to both his body and his head, rumors were circulating that Rick might be sent packing. The forty man roster only held forty people, and was typically reserved for baseball players and not mental cases. Certain exceptions have been made in the past, but Ankiel was seemingly too risky to keep on the team. Those rumors caused the once-promising prospect to turn to the voodoo ways.

"I used to read the Riverfront Times while in St. Louis. Those back pages are bananas! Well, anyway, I saw some voodoo advertisements that promised to cast a spell on just about anything that I wanted. So I gave the guy a call and he hooked me up. Just a few hundred dollars later, and 'boom', I am on the forty man roster for a few more years." Rick declined to mention which voodoo person he went to see, only stating that he was completely satisfied with the voodoo magic. "As I understand it, voodoo is some kind of religion and not just a funny joke. I also heard that witchcraft is a religion but that they call it wiccan? Is that really true? This is all so strange. I expected to have to bring some eye of newt or something like that, but just eight hundred dollars cash was all he needed."

Team owner Bill DeWitt had little explanation, noting, "Well the last thing I remember about the Ankiel business was calling Walt [Jocketty] to tell him to get that bum off of the forty man roster. Then suddenly, well... I don't really remember what happened. I was completely oblivious to the whole Ankiel issue. Then he stayed on the roster and kept pulling in money. I heard that the voodoo guy died or something and then someone told me what had happened. So we cut his ass loose like we should have years ago. Now we can go about conducting our business sensibly and getting our starting pitching in line. I have looked at the pitchers available and our finances, and I believe we should actively pursue Jeff Fassero and waste no time doing so."

Reached for comment, Fassero noted, "Ankiel called me and recommended voodoo to me. We spent some time bonding on the bench back in the earlier part of this decade. Let me tell you, I love that kid."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Fan voting experiment goes terribly awry

2006-12-12T13:00:00.000-06:00

The Rams have been pretty terrible on special teams the past few seasons, and the team has admitted to making some personnel and coaching gaffes in that department. Not since Az 'Skillet Hands' Hakim has the team been in a position to have reliable returns on kickoffs or punts, and the coverage unit has never really been elite. Under former head coach Mike Martz, special teams was an afterthought, and was accordingly neglected, giving the Rams the worst yards per return in the league in more than one season. Under current head coach Scott Linehan, things have slightly improved. However, the team took a few steps back on Monday night when the Bears returned two kickoffs for touchdowns. The front office has made no bones about who is to blame for these problems: the fans.

The NFL has been experiementing with getting fans more and more involved in the game this season. In many sports, the fans vote for the all stars. In some other fringe sports, the fans can give input on free agent decisions. But the Rams have decided to take this initative in fan interaction and couple that with the moribund special teams play of late to come up with a new idea. During the Monday night game, the Rams fans in attendance were asked to vote for the special teams play about to take place through text messaging on their cellular phones. The special teams, not really deemed all that important, gave the Rams a chance to get the fans involved at minimal cost. Or at least that is what they thought.

The Rams failed to calculate how many Bears fans would be in attendance, essentially dooming the team in the Monday night game, and additionally ensuring that this experiment will stop at one game.

Right after the first quarter Rams touchdown to Torry Holt, the public address anouncer directed everyone to the Jumbotron for a special message from Coach Linehan. He urged the fans to vote for their favorite play, within the time clock, and then he would radio it in to the team on the field. "Text your choice to 45454 and I will send in that play!," noted the pre-recorded message of Linehan. The options were: (a) kick the extra point; (b) go for two points; (c) fake the kick and then go for two; and (d) mess up the snap and get no points.

Said team president John Shaw on the promotion, "Well, dammit, I had no idea there would be so many Bears fans in the stands. As you saw, the 'mess up the snap' option won and that was the play we called. '56 Norwood Blue' was the play and darned if I ever thought I would see the day that one went out to the huddle during a real game."

Shaw also lamented the other later options in the game. "Why we had those kickoff return options up there for the Bears fans to stuff the virtual ballot box is beyond me. I can say we won't be doing that one again." He was making reference to the two kickoffs returned for touchdowns by Bears rookie Devon Hester. Before each kickoff, the fans were asked to select from: (a) deep kick for a touchback ; (b) surprise onside kick; (c) squib it to someone and tackle him immediately; and (d) kick it to Hester and nobody touch him. The Bears fans, living up to their Chicago heritage, voted early and often for the worst options for the Rams, which were believed to have been added to the poll as a joke by team management. The option for no one to touch Hester was selected as the winner twice, and those two scores essentially knocked the Rams out of the game, while simultaneously knocking their playoff chances out the door.

Coach Linehan remains optomistic, noting, "I think that taking the offensive play calling away from myself earlier in the season was a good call. Taking the special teams playcalling away might have been a good idea, but giving it to the fans was not a good idea. However, we can bounce back from this. I have brought in some special tools that I have been assured will help guide this team to a more efficient and balanced special teams attack. I have been hearing great things about the Ouija Board, and you can expect to see it on the sidelines before each special teams play this weekend."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Commentary: Stink at golf? Try Golden Tee!

2006-12-11T13:00:00.000-06:00

Again Stlsports ventured out onto the St. Louis bar scene, and for once was talked out of the typical sports bar routine. Having just completed a rowdy Chinese restaurant wedding celebration, I was all geared up for a night on the town with the Stlsports high school crew when I got the call to head over to Johnny Gitto's. As this is most certainly not a sports bar, it doesn't really qualify for a sports bar review. But still something magical and sporty managed to creep into my evening that was athletic enough to mention in this blog, and that was the amazing invention that is Golden Tee.

As you will recall, anything remotely associated with sports is considered a sport. Even things that are remotely competitive are sports. The obvious sports involving balls, pucks or wickets are of course sports. Some of the fringe stuff on ESPN also gets the nod, like spelling bees, poker, and lumberjack competitions. I also include oft-debated pseudo-sports such as race car driving, keg throwing, chess, Scrabble, and binge eating. Heck, even some video games can be considered sports, and this leads me to Golden Tee. Johnny Gito's, like 99% of goodtime foodrinkeries in this country, has a Golden Tee machine in it. And there is always some drunk playing it. For the first time in my life last Saturday, I was that drunk.

Video games hold a hallowed place in the mind of Americans. I remember seeing the kid up the street playing Super Mario when it first came out, and it was beautiful. I remember my grandparents letting me rent the Simpsons video game for Nintendo and thinking it was amazing. I recall getting our first family gaming system, the Super Nintendo Entertainment System and plugging in F-Zero for the first time. It was like kissing God. How far we have come that games are so lifelike that you can almost not tell a live game from a video game on the same television. Golden Tee does for golf video gaming what Rock n' Roll Racing did for monster trucks.

Personally, I hate golf. I have a set of clubs, and they came from the thrift store. Since I play so infrequently, I only bought the odd numbered clubs. Why spend the cash on the even ones when the odd ones do so well? I spent ten bucks on the cheapo putter from Sports Authority and another ten bucks on the other ten clubs and the bag. My friend lives on a golf course, so I have an unlimited supply of a hodgepodge of miscellaneous golf balls at my disposal. (It should be noted that this same friend, after playing nine holes with me on his home course, has banned me from ever playing golf with him again for life.) Like Samuel Clemens once penned, "Golf is a good walk spoiled", or something like that. Since I dislike golf and find cheering out loud for it about as stupid as cheering for the Royals and as painful as wiping my ass with sandpaper, Golden Tee is not exactly first on my list of games to play. But, and I hate to admit this, it was kind of fun.

Flapjack bought the game, after I told him that I did not want to play. For only four dollars PER PERSON, you can enjoy an exciting half-round of virtual golf. Also playing was a completely wasted Unkie Herb, who was so lit that he later almost vomited on my sleeping child at three in the morning, having thought that he entered the bathroom. Way to go, Herb. Anyway, the Golden Tee game is pretty simple. You have a big white ball in the center of the console, and this is the main controller, a la Simpsons Bowling, a frequent favorite of mine at Blueberry Hill. Other non-essential buttons were on the side, but this big white ball was the key. It changed clubs, aimed the curve of the shot, did backspin, added or subtracted power and basically was the key to the whole game. Master this white ball and you can master the game.

But like so many games, Golden Tee is completely fully of luck, that is, the need to be lucky. I managed to sink a fifty (virtual) foot putt with a pretty half-assed swipe of the white ball, and suddenly a few drunken idiots came up to me to tell me how awesome the putt was. Quickly, let's review: I was drinking; the shot was half-assed; this guy was definitely drinking; the game is virtual golf; we were in a bar, full of men. Yet, this was something worth celebrating? I thought he would ask for my autograph, or at least but me a drink, the way he was lauding my performance. This is Golden Frickin' Tee, not the Ryder Cup. Golden Tee, where I was +15 after six holes (and not in last place thanks to Herb's incredible drunkeness). Pumped up high fiving drunks telling me how awesome I am? What an amazing game!

The bottom line is, if you don't like golf this game is definitely not for you. If you like drinking and playing boring video games, this is certainly the best thing going for you. I must caution you not to turn into Overzealous Golden Tee Guy. OGTG is the dude who jumps up and high fives after a big shot and then heckles his co-players. He swings the white orb so hard that he hits people behind him at the beginning of the shot and then whacks the screen with his open palm at the end of the shot. He is a complete waste of space, and Stlsports will punch this OGTG in the gut if he runs into him again. And by run into, I mean gets hit on the backswing and then being admonished for messing up his shot while walking past him in a crowded bar. Kiss my butt, OGTG.

Golden Tee deserves less credit, not more. It is a great game for wannabe golfers and actual drunken idiots with several dollars to spend at a time. Why not try Big Game Hunter or some other similar game, where for one simple dollar, you and three friends can shoot rabbits, cougars, cattle, moose and maybe even an elephant? Money more wisely spent. When faced with a dangerous situation, where your life is on the line, will you rely on your Golden Tee skills or the hunting game skills? Think about it.

Anti-Bonds riots leave ten dead, dozens missing, hundreds injured

2006-12-07T13:00:00.000-06:00

News from the Major League Baseball winter meetings that Saint Louis Cardinals skipper Tony LaRussa requested a sit-down with 'roid-master Barry Bonds has been met with some hostility in St. Louis. Our fair city has seen its fair share of violence, but today people from all walks of life have been rioting in response to the remote possibility that Bonds could join the World Champion Cardinals. From downtown to Creve Coeur, regular citizens have been voicing their anger in the largest riots this country has seen since the Rodney King beating verdicts were released. Even in the wake of news that Bonds will be returning to San Francisco, some members of the area rioting community are dissatisfied and will continue their looting, pillaging and mayhem until their ire is seethed completely.

Mayor Francis Slay, reached for comment, noted, "I was hit on the head with a beer bottle on the way into work today. I know what you are thinking, and no, it was not Dominique Byrd. His ass is in custody. It was some white guy in a suit who had just helped a roving mob flip over a car and set it on fire." Noticably shaken, the mayor continued, "I have never seen such reckelessness, unless of course you count the spending by the public school board, but I digress. This wodespread panic and disorder must be contained. I only wish that I controlled the police, but that is in the governor's hands. See, the antiquated laws from the civil war era put the city police under the control of the governor, so I am essentially impotent here. Maybe that was not the best word... let's say powerless. I don't want to give the wrong idea, if you know what I mean. I am all man."

Team president Mark Lamping has begged the populace to cease its anarchist activities, particularly noting, "This behavior is not something the smartest baseball fans in the country would do. Smart baseball fans would realize that we would never sign Bonds and that the whole LaRussa story was fabricated. Please stop burning and looting. Especially at the Cardinals team store. No more looting there, please! That comes out of my paycheck!"

The San Francisco Giants decided to reclaim the clubhouse cancer that is Barry Bonds with a sixteen million dollar contract for one season, making him wildly overpaid, but not as overpaid as the rest of the idiots getting signed this offseason. As the news of this resigning spread, the violence decreased in the metro area, and only the most zealous and hardcore Cardinal fans and rioters continued their pillaging tirade. Said one criminal, "I have been watching Cardinal baseball all of my life. We had to put up with Tino Martinez, and then they got us Juan Encarnacion. Those were bad moves I could deal with at the time, but to even consider Bonds is so insulting that I have to flip over cars and set them on fire. I am just so mad."

Nancy Pelosi, a congresswoman from San Francisco, added, "I am so happy to see Barry back in my fruity little town. He is so great for the city. I swear, if I was a man, I would marry him in a heartbeat. Barry represents real 'Frisco family values and down-to-earth social responsibility. His attitude and demeanor really play well in my town and we are so lucky to have him. We are all richer for his presence and hopefully he will continue to show us the exceptional character that I have come to appreciate."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Bulger calls out janitor for 'not caring'

2006-12-06T13:00:00.000-06:00

Marc Bulger, after the Rams' listless loss to the pathetic Arizona Gridbirds in St. Louis, called out several teammates for not caring about whether the team won or lost. He particularly noted the lack of off-the-field effort of several offensive players, without naming names. Marc added that Bruce, Holt, Jackson and several veterans were not among those that he felt did not care. It became plainly apparent that he was referring to linemen Alex Barron and Richie Incognito, as well as possibly receiver Kevin Curtis and tight end Dominique 'Hands' Byrd. While many in the mainstream media focused on this particular diatribe, another less noted complaint came from Marc, this one regarding the maintenance staff at Rams Park.

Bulger, after practice on Wednesday, commented, "I think that some of the janitorial staff here really doesn't care about cleaning up the locker room and meeting areas. Now I am not talking about the night crew, and I know that Roberto and Maria really care about this, and the guys that have been here for like five or more years are dedicated. I am not going to name names, but certain people are not pulling their weight and I think this team deserves better."

Roscoe, the only daytime janitor who has been here less than five years and is not named Roberto or Maria, was not happy to hear these remarks. Reached for comment, he noted, "I think Marc should focus on not throwing jump balls up to the Arizona Cardinal defense and less about me working the locker room floor buffer. That guy doesn't know a thing about cleaning up chew, or picking up pornography, or escorting skanks out of the locker room. As much as I love cleaning out the filth that these nasty moron meatheads leave in the showers and bathroom stalls, I guess I don't have it as hard as 'Mr. Prettyboy QB' Marc Bulger. Hey, Marc, why don't we trade jobs for a week? I can chuck some interceptions to guys in Cardinal uniforms for a couple million and you can try out washing filthy urinals for a couple bucks an hour. Let me know how that goes, Marc."

Five minutes after this interview was given, team president John Shaw fired Roscoe the former janitor for taking too long a break, while talking to reporters.

"And come to think of it," Bulger added, "that guy in the laundy room who cleans my jocks doesn't really seem to care enough either. I am having that person fired. I don't care how many children he has to feed, he's gone. It's called bleach, dude, no more stains."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Sports Bar Review: Saint Louis Sports Zone

2006-12-05T13:00:00.000-06:00

Stlsports, in continuing the efforst to bring a wide range of sports-related topics to its readers, adds another installment of the Saint Louis area sports bar review columns. This weekend, Stlsports and a host of degenerates visited the St. Louis Sports Zone on Watson Road for the first stop on a bachelor party. The specific details are described herein:

A little background on the party: The bachelor party was for our dear friend Wang. Really, that is his last name and with a name like Wang, how can you not make some pretty kick-assed t-shirts. So everyone had a T that said "I survived Wang's bachelor party" and on the back it said "Wangfest 2006 (Not as gay as it sounds)". Incidentally, my wife assured me that some gay person would be offended. First, I am sorry if saying that something we dubbed Wangfest, which could be interpreted as pretty gay, needed a disclaimer on the official t-shirt. Second, who the hell is going to come up to a crew of rowdy twentysomethings and say how offended he is because he is gay? Third, welcome to America, home of the First Amendment, without which I would have been sued through space and time because of this blog. So back to the shirts, obviously the bachelor's shirt was pink with the word WANG in huge letters across the chest. We started at the Sports Zone and moved on from there, to places we dare not type here.

A little background on the bar: When this place opened a few years back, I had heard it was an ESPN Zone, but it was of course not true. Rumor has it an ESPN Zone will be put in the future Ballpark Village. The Sports Zone has a million televisions and tons of bar games. It is basically a huge sports bar in a strip mall. Lots of people go there and they have built up a pretty good brand name in their brief existance.

I called the bar waaaay too late to reserve a space for the party, so we decided to just show up and take over a portion of the bar. The other rooms / spaces were already reserved for other parties. When I talked to the guy on the phone, he just about pleaded with me to still come in and apologized repeatedly that he could not get us a reserved space. Then he told me that we could have a deal on pizza and wings and he would make sure we were taken care of. Sounded pretty darned good to me and this guy was really appreciative of the business, so we told him to look for us when we got there. STLSZ Management Sales Pitch / Promises / Attitude Grade: A

Of course when we got there, I told the waitress that I spoke to a manager a few days before and that we would get a deal on food and possibly drinks. I don't know if it was her fault or one of the managers' fault or if it was just too darned busy to worry about us, but we never saw those guys and we did not get a deal on food. Oh well. To be completely fair, the place was pretty darned busy and I did not bring in as many people as I had indicated on the phone, due to some late cancellations. And everyone else ordered other stuff besides pizza and wings. Still, it would have been nice to see one of those guys come over to our tables. STLSZ Management Follow-Up on Telephone Promises Grade: D

Three or four college games were going on, including the Big 12 and SEC championship games, so the place was packed. We took over the three tables at the front of the televisions, much to the vexation of those who were watching the games. If you wanted to see a game, it was probably on. I am sure that if you asked nicely enough, they would turn on Sky Sports and get in a rugby or cricket game. So many TVs. It was an attention deficit disorder sufferer's nightmare. A big plus was that the video games were excellent. The group seemed to fixate on a hunting game, where the controller is a shotgun. This game was a little off, as cougars, cows, and rabbits were regular targets. The best part was that the speakers for the TV were not next to the TV, but instead throughout the bar on the sound system. This made sitting in front of the televisions bearable and not deafening. A huge plus! STLSZ Electronic Entertainment Grade: A

The waitress was pretty cute. They all had little t-shirt jerseys on and ours had a tight-fitting one, as should have been the case. She was sometimes delayed with drinks, but again this could have been due to the high volume of customers in the bar that night. She was not very knowledgable about the hard liquor selection, something critical for waiting on a bachelor party! A big no-no occurred when she casually lamented, giving specific numbers, the bad tip she had previously gotten from a similar party, as if to warn us in advance that we should not hose her over on our tip. Listen, people get screwed on tips all the time in many jobs, and it has happened to everyone. We don't need to hear it and it will not increase your tip. Rapid beer production and a flirty attitude with a tight t-shirt will, however, increase the tip. Lucky for her, she was cute, had a tight t-shirt, got flirtier as we got drunker and the beer came faster as the place thinned out. She also played nice in our embarrass-the-bachelor photos, earning percentage points in gratuity. Oh, and there were a few other hot waitresses present in the bar that night. STLSZ Waitress Grade: B+

Cupcake, who got so drunk that he almost fell out of a minivan into the parking lot at the end of the night, had a quesadilla. This solid food did not prevent his projectile cookie-tossing later on, but it seemed to be pretty tasty-looking from afar. Doghair ordered two baskets of waffle fries for himself. Flapjack had cigarettes for dinner. Unkie Herb and I split a BBQ Chicken PIzza and it was absolutely amazing, as is often the case with bar food when drinking. It is not the best BBQ chicken pizza I have ever had, but it was darn good. Incidentally, Wang was too busy doing shots to eat. Luckily he had some Ramen, or whatever it is he regularly eats, before coming out. Joe Jr, who agreed to be random Asian guy for the night, ordered cheezy bread, got cheezy fries instead, and was not so upset. The bread later arrived, and we were not charged for the fries, which we devoured anyway. The bottom line is the food came out quick and tasty and was not that expensive. STLSZ Food Grade: A-

We ordered shots - lots of shots - for Wang. We requested 'the gayest shot you have', which smelled like a girl's dorm room candle; Mandirin (get it?); Citron; Goldschlager; Jaeger; baaaaad tequila; 'the worst gin you have'; a three wise men; two jaeger bombs; a long island tea; several beers. The toast of the night came from Joe Jr to his fellow Asian compatriot Wang - "Here's to slanty eyes and mathematics". That is a direct quote. The beer came out quicker as the night went on, and the same can be said about the hard alcohol. The final tab was outrageous, but nine guys pounding booze and food over several hours seems to add up pretty quickly. The usual A-B and Schlafly products were readily available. One major disappointment was when a shot containing Crown was ordered for Wang by Flapjack and they did not have Crown. They had metal sign ads in the bathroom for Crown but none at the bar. The bartender improvised with something that made Wang almost hurl. Good work, man. Alcohol Grade: B+

Quality of women is of huge importance at a sports bar. This is obvious. Nasty women leads to filthy men and empty barstools, whereas hot women and cute girls pack in the guys. As noted in a previous column, most of us are married and not looking to hook up with any ladies. We just like being around fun, cute girls. Especially when we are acting like drunk pigs on a bachelor party. The nasty filthy women part of the evening will come soon enough, but while at the bar we need nice girls. All that being said, the 'scenery' at the Sports Zone was high quality. First off, we sat next to a birthday party full of cute girls. It was the standard seven girls and one dude. The guy was with one of them, though we didn't know who, and he looked like he was bordering between hanging himself and drinking himself stupid. Being out with seven hot women you are not dating would kick ass, but when you are out with seven women and you are with only one and these are her friends, no matter how hot they are, you want to die. These girls were talkative and more than willing to pose in horrible photos in the bar with Wang. We bribed them with a pitcher of A-B, but it may not have been necessary. They were totally down with acting like fools. Other women in the bar were coming over to the party to meet the now-infamous Wang. More photos ensued. Basically, this place had some cute girls, at least in our area, and they were all pretty darned cool. It might have been a fluke, but we were not complaining. I tried hard to get Unkie Herb hooked up, but he just wouldn't accept the layup shot. Too bad, Herb! Women Scenery Grade: A

I hate karaoke machines and corny DJ's, and the Sports Zone had neither. The St. Louis Sports theme was a huge favorite of Stlsports, of course. The place was huge, with tons of space to spread out, and you don't feel cramped. For the convenience of the patrons, there is a TV on in the bathroom, just a quick head tilt up and to the left of the urinals. Also, Doghair was charged a buck fifty for a bottomless pitcher of diet soda as the designated driver, which earns big points for the bar. The bar has a great location, conveniently located in a strip mall near the city/county border, so you can easily slide up to Johhny Gitto's if you are still rolling at one in the morning. Lots of parking is available and so is an ATM that surprisingly and fantastically did not charge a service fee is in the back of the parking lot. For the late-night drunks with the munchies, it is one mile from a White Castle and two miles from Steak n' Shake. Intangibles Grade: A

Saint Louis is littered with sports bars. Almost every neighborhood has a sports bar and each day I hear another one advertised on the radio. These guys got it right, with a fairly well-designed interior and a good staff of good-looking girls. It is an ideal location for me and my friends, but it still manages to draw people who don't live right up the road, which speaks to its quality. We had a great time, and everyone there treated us well, especially the other patrons who wanted to meet the then-infamous Wang. The table of girls next to us and our cooperative waitress gained the bar some points, as did the good food selection. Even when packed to all hell, we still found good seats and had a good time. Saint Louis Sports Zone Overall Grade: A-

Dominique Byrd incident puzzles Rams

2006-12-04T13:00:00.000-06:00

Today in the wee hours of the morning, Rams rookie Tight End Dominique Byrd got into a little bar scuffle with a patron at the trendy Pepper Lounge on Locust, near the original Schlafly restaurant. He has been charged with second degree assault and is expected to turn himself in tomorrow, according to news reports. Shockingly, Stlsports was not first to report the story, but is first to bring the detailed commentary given herein. The Rams front office, as well as fans and media alike, are all wondering the same thing: Why is this just now happening?

Reached for comment, coach Scott Linehan noted, "Sometimes when people see a pro ballplayer in public, they feel the need to mix up some trouble and act all tough. Dominique was just a victim of circumstance here. I don't think that anyone in their right mind would have a problem with a football player grabbing his female significant other in the butt. By stepping up to Dominique, this guy got what he deserved, and that was a quick crack over the head with a beer bottle." Team president John Shaw agreed, "I think that the Rams' trend of drafting risky players of questionable character with off the field issues has been pretty consistent. This is all part of our draft strategy. Some people draft for speed, others for size. We draft for high risk / high reward. Byrd was certainly high risk, and he finally came around to bring that risk to fruition, so good for him."

Byrd was similarly dismissive of the seriousness of this altercation, adding, "I don't even think it was much of a grab. More of a pinch. I only used my thumb and two fingers, so the media has been reporting this all wrong. Definitely not a grab. Thanks, Stlsports, for reporting this accurately." When asked if Byrd had actually taken a beer bottle and cracked someone much smaller than him over the head for questioning Byrd's actions, he replied, "Oh, well yeah, that part was accurate. Serves that guy right. I can touch whoever's butt I want whenever I want. You know I play in the NFL, man. Don't mess with me!" Byrd added, "And that bottle was a Schlafly bottle. Usually when I hit a fan in the head with a Schlafly bottle, they don't break. But here either this guy had a hard head or the bottle was defective. They should look into this problem over at Schlafly."

Police chief Joe Mokwa, frustrated with the incident, commented, "I cannot believe I am here at a press conference for this. We were ranked the most dangerous city in America. Not in the area, not in Missouri, not in the midwest. In America. The same America that has Loredo, TX, Detroit, MI, Compton, CA and freaking East St. Louis, IL! I have bigger things to worry about than some idiot stepping up to a pro football player and getting what was probably coming to him. Do they have these conferences in Cincinnati for Bengals players? No. Why? Because this is not news. Please leave me alone, you parasites."

John Shaw noted, "Remember a little something called Lawrence Phillips? That wound up working itself out, right? Off the field issues are just something that is a part of having an NFL team in the area. The sooner people realize that, the better things will be. Stop criticizing our picks and player management. I think we know what we are doing over at Rams Park. This has been an awful distraction and we need to get back to concentrating on winning games. In 2007."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Molina: I like C-Section scars

2006-11-30T13:00:00.000-06:00

Stlsports recently caught up with the Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina for an interview. Molina has been busy with interviews, appearances, autograph sessions and his winter training. Even with all of that hustle and bustle he has been able to find time to lead an active social life. One of the few true bachelors on the team, Yadi, as he is affectionately called by the fans and his teammates, has been seen at local social establishments around town with some of the finer ladies the Midwest has to offer. In spite of this busy professional and social schedule, Molina found the time to share his thoughts with Stlsports and you, the readers.

Stlsports: Thanks for joining us for this interview - I know you are really busy.

Molina: Hey, anything for the fans, man!

Stlsports: Yadi, you're considered a little bit of a ladies man and you like to have a good time, am I right?

Molina: Yeah, I guess so.

Stlsports: So, what do you think about Britney Spears' latest gaffe, particularly those crazy photos taken of her nether-regions while out clubbing with Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton?

Molina: What are you talking about, guy?

Stlsports: About Britney and her crazy party lifestyle.

Molina: Don't you want to talk about the World Series?

Stlsports: That's old news, my man. You are the hip, young, partying member of the team, so I want to ask you about hip social issues.

Molina: I don't know nuthin about Britney Spears.

Stlsports: Well she was seen out on the town with no underpants on, and some photographers got pictures to prove it! How about that? Can you relate to this? What do you think?

Molina: I think that's nasty, man. Didn't she have some kids or something like that? Why are we talking about this crap?

Stlsports: Okay, let me be straight with you, Yadier. People are sick of sports news. The Blues stink and the Rams stink. The Redbird stuff has been done over and over and over again. They care about Madonna's adoption of some kid from Africa, Tom Cruise's crazy spaceship wedding, Kramer swearing at minorities, and Britney Spears' naked cooch. I am trying to get some increased readership here and you are cock-blocking me.

Molina: Sorry, man, but I thought you wanted to talk about sports. You called me up and said this would be a World Series-related interview.

Stlsports: I just need to sell some damned subscriptions and I could use some cooperation.

Molina: Subscriptions? Isn't your [fake] sports news blog free?

Stlsports: You are aggrivating me! Who's doing the interview here?

Molina: Okay. Don't get so worked up. We can talk about whatever you want.

Stlsports: Even Britney Spears' skanky photos?

Molina: I haven't seen them, so I don't know.

Stlsports: It is pretty gross. It's kind of shaved, and a little flabby. Oh, and you can see the c-section scar.

Molina: That's nasty. Let's talk about something else.

Stlsports: Honestly, I didn't even really prepare for this interview except to bring a copy of US Weekly with me.

Molina: So, can I just go?

Stlsports: Sure, I am going to make up most of the interview, anyway.

Molina: Uh, can I read it before you publish it?

Stlsports: Yeah. I am going to have to get a little creative with the title. You need snappy titles to get people's attention.

Molina: Like what do you have in mind?

Stlsports: How about "Molina: I like C-Section scars".

Molina: I don't like that. No way. Not only is that untrue, and a little nasty, but it is going to totally mess up some of my dates if that gets used.

Stlsports: Fine, I won't use it. What about "Molina admits he was present at TomKat's wedding".

Molina: But I wasn't there.

Stlsports: It doesn't matter. If not that one, I could try "Yadi / Madonna tryst ends in brawl with K-Fed".

Molina: That doesn't even make sense to me. How about "Yadier beats up smartassed reporter for pissing him off."

Stlsports: I think I see what you mean. Well, fine I guess I will just have to call Jim Edmonds or someone else to get an interview.

Molina: I guess so, man. He listens to Britney Spears, so go ahead and call him. Just don't ever call me again.

Stlsports: You got it, buddy. Thanks for the interview.

Molina: Remember - never call me again.

Stlsports: I got it.

Molina: Never.

[This story is a satire of public figures. Obviously this interview never happened.]

Billikens looking to make some noise in NIT

2006-11-29T13:00:00.001-06:00

The Saint Louis University mens' basketball team has been looking to improve on the past few seasons' disappointments. The Billikens have been a club hovering just below .500 since the Charlie Spoonhour era, and coach Brad Soderberg has the team excited about its potential. With a new on-campus arena being built, and now in their second season in the basketball-focused Atlantic-10 Conference, the not really all that Atlantic Billikens have higher expectations to live up to. Coach has set the bar high, preaching to the team that with a little bit of effort and a couple extra wins, his team can get into the prestigous National Invitational Tournament.

SLU actually won the NIT back in the 1950's, bringing a national championship to the city. Not many people know this, not nearly as many people who know that the newer, slightly improved NCAA tournament has supplanted the NIT as the premier postseason tourney for college basketball teams. Regardless, many see the NIT as a chance to show the country who really is the 66th best team in the land. The Billikens believe that they can aspire to be that team.

Said Univesity President Fr. Biondi, "Many of our donors are so old that they still believe the NIT is a great thing for the school. So when we get an NIT bid, they pop out those trust fund checkbooks and buy a brick or tile in the new stadium. The NCAA attracts the younger crowd, and honestly they are a little poorer or at least a little stingier. Sure, the advertising revenue would be great if the NCAA and A-10 didn't have us by the set. But I digress ... we would love to show off our city and our university on the second biggest stage of the basketball postseason."

Coach Soderberg, reached for comment, added, "The new stadium will really help us out a ton in recruiting. See, athletes are inherently lazy, in my experience, and the stadium will be on campus and hence a shorter trip from their townhouses than going all the way down to Kiel or Savvis or whatever the heck it is called now." He continued, "I think that if we play exceptional Billiken basketball, and by that I mean winning 53-52 each night against mediocre teams, we can get that RPI up into the low 80s and possibly into the high 70s. Then when the NIT comes-a-callin' we will be ready to represent."

Fr. Biondi elaborated, "I went to a workshop put on by my dear friend Bill DeWitt. Did you know you can charge whatever you want for concessions and souveniers and people will still pay for it? Holy heck! Plus, in the NIT, the games are at the home stadiums of one of the teams, not on the road in some random city. The NIT will actually make us so much more money than an NCAA bid. I am getting a little ahead of myself, I know, but it is all so exciting."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

St. Louis College of Pharmacy game not some kind of scheduling prank

2006-11-29T13:00:00.000-06:00

The Saint Louis College of Pharmacy has a rich tradition of academic excellence, and specializes, as the name tends to indicate, in preparing students for working as a pharmacist or in a related field. Although one might not expect it, the STLCOP has an athletic program, and having recently joined the Kentucky Intercollegiate Althetic Conference in the NAIA, they have been met with a great deal of success on the court. The success, however, has not been because of superior athletic performance, but instead because of the numerous forfeits that the STLCOP receives when the other team fails to show up for the games.

Said a STLCOP senior and member of the campus athletic booster club, "It is really strange. We get our faces painted, and we party a little bit to get read, and then when we get to the arena to cheer on our team, there is no opponent. This happens more often than not." To-date the STLCOP men's basketball team is 24-5, having only played five games, all losses. Despite the poor performance and statistics on the court, the team has already locked up the regular season title thanks to the 24 forfeits to this point. This is the school's latest in a long line of athletic titles for the institution, including an undefeated wrestling team that never once wrestled, and a swimming team championship when no swimming pool was necessary.

Reached for comment, a junior member of the conference rival Midway College basketball team, noted, "We saw them on the schedule and thought it was some kind of joke or typo. So we all went to a party and missed the games. Why the hell would a pharmacy school have an athletic department? What would they be doing on the court playing basketball? They should be in the pharmacy study lab learning to count blue and white pills, not wasting their time on the court. Seriously, I am really cheesed that this turned into a couple of forfeits for us. And what the hell is a Eutectic? I mean, honestly, do they take Dr. Mario as a final exam in one of their classes? What are they doing over there that takes six years for a damned degree?"

The student was referring to the Eutectic, which is explained on the website as the chemical term for the mixing of two solids to form a liquid, aptly visualized in the form of a monster in a lab coat holding a couple old-time pharmacy tools. Optomistic about his team's success, the STLCOP president has petitioned for a move from the NAIA into the NCAA Division I ranks. "We have been putting up some incredible records here in NAIA and I think it is about time we had our due. I think that the Big 12 is ready to expand and we will be ready to meet the challenge. As I understand it, life is fifty percent showing up, and we seem to have that down. That's why we win so darn much. That and the other team not showing up, that also has a lot to do with it, but I am not about to let the NCAA in on that little tidbit."

[This story is a satire. Similarities to actual people/events is coincidental.]

Interview: McGwire optomistic about HOF vote

2006-11-28T13:00:00.000-06:00

Mark McGwire, the man who saved Major League Baseball while wearing a St. Louis Cardinal uniform, is on the ballot for voting retired players into the professional Hall of Fame this year. In exchange for his accomplishments, the national media and short-memoried fans have completely villified him with no evidence but that which their eyes can observe. A recent survey of twenty percent of voters for the HOF showed that he was well short of the votes needed to get the honor. Still, in spite of these criticims, McGwire remains optomistic.

Stlsports caught up with Mark on the golf course near his home in California, where he was hitting the hell out of the ball with each successive swing. When asked how he could explain such an incredible mass increase over a short period of time, he noted, "Who are you going to believe? Me or your lying eyes? Trust me, I am no cheater. I played the game honestly with honest, legal supplements. Now please leave me alone so that I may golf with Chris Pronger in peace."

Reports have been circulating that Jose Canseco plans to publish another tell-all book, timed to no doubt coincide with the Hall of Fame vote. Oddly enough, a second tell-all book by the same person on the same subject might tend to indicate that the first book was not really a tell-all but a tell-some. Reached for comment, Canseco noted, "Let's just say, a syringe full of drugs isn't the only thing I stuck in Mark's butt in a bathroom stall at the stadium. If you get my drift." Canseco then made the winky-winky elbow motion, incidating that perhaps he had a double entendre in that previous phrase. Jose continued, "I don't think Mark should get into the Hall. Not because he cheated, God bless him for that. I think that his off the field activities should ban him from the Hall. I think you know what I am getting at." He then made an imaginary butt-slapping gesture directly in front of him and started to sweet talk into the air. "That sort of funny business has no place in the Baseball Hall of Fame, if you ask me. No way. Please buy my book."

Confused, Stlsports decided to take this information straight to McGwire for comment. Upon hearing the narrative of the Canseco interview, and after Stlsports aped the pantomime performed by Jose during said same interview, Mark became visibly upset. He noted, "Why did you come over here to tell me this? All lies! Why does he lie?! You should not make me angry! You would not like me when I am angry!" Worried, McGwire then added, "Must get blood pressure down. Don't trigger it. Butterflies, rainbows, kitty cats, puppies, applesauce, sunflowers. Ahhhh. [Long awkward contemplative pause.] Now, let's not talk anymore about Mr. Canseco. That's all in the past, and I don't want to talk about it. Let's all be calm and not make me angry anymore."

After slowly backing away from the second McGwire interview, Stlsports took the issue to avid baseball fan and tireless Saint Louis sports promoter, Mayor Francis Slay, who noted that the entire issue has left him "now only more confused." Slay continued, "Sure, he saved baseball, and sure no one seemed to care that he was probably cheating until that Congressional hearing, but in the end he spent a bunch of time in a bathroom stall (allegedly!) with Jose Canseco with his pants at least partially pulled down. How in great goodness can that person be elected into the Hall of Fame? I can't answer that better than anyone else. That's why they get voted in, just like here in the City. Of course in the HOF vote, the voters are all alive and entitled to vote. None of that funny stuff we pull here in the Lou works in the Hall vote. Whoops, I've said too much. I'll be needing that tape recorder and your notebooks, please, you unscrupulous, lying sports reporters."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

What St. Louis pro athletes are thankful for...

2006-11-23T13:00:00.000-06:00

Stlsports, in celebration of Thanksgiving, took a little impromptu survey of pro athletes from the St. Louis area over the past few weeks in preparation for this story. So, in the first installment of what will likely be an annual event [unless legal challenges force this site to close prematurely], here is the "First Annual Stlsports What I'm Thankful For".

Leonard Little: "High-priced lawyers, and the salaries to pay them."

Jason Marquis: "Crazy high run support, and thus an inflated win total, right before free agency."

John Davidson: "Irrevocable season tickets."

Tony LaRussa: "Whoever was the fielding coach for the Tigers pitchers this past year."

Rick Ankiel: "Foolish loyalty."

Keith Tkachuk: "My No-Trade Clause."

Joe Buck: "The fact that my last name is Buck. Otherwise, I would probably be driving a bus for a living."

Juan Encarnacion: "Guaranteed contracts. Whew!"

Orlando Pace: "The fact that I don't have to be a part of that mess again until next fall."

Dave Checketts: "The part of the tax code that allows writing off business losses."

Scott Linehan: "The Arizona Cardinals."

Jeff Suppan: "Oh a little something called NLCS MVP in my walk year. Cha-ching!"

Mo Williams: "Companies that offer discreet packaging for shipping."

Jim Edmonds: "The thin market for outfield free agents this offseason."

Bill DeWitt: "Tax dollars as assistance for my impoverished team and starving players."

Doug Weight: "Bill Laurie's salary dump, particularly of me to Carolina."

Chris Duncan: "Chew."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Cardinals' end of year party 'gag awards' ceremony draws some complaints

2006-11-22T13:00:00.000-06:00

The Cardinals concluded their official end of season festivities a few days ago with the premier of the officially licensed DVD at Powell Symphony Hall. It was a fun event for fans and players, and everyone seemed to have a good time. After the event, the players and their families gathered at a local restaurant for a catered, casual event to cap of a magical season. Adam Wainright emceed the event, and a series of gag awards were given out to razz some of the players. A few of those awards and the associated recipients, however, feel that a few of the gag awards went a little too far, and some people reported being uncomfortable.

The ceremony started off innocently enough. Mark Mulder won the award for 'Worst Gas' and everyone seemed to think that was really funny, especially his road room mate and the people with adjacent lockers. Jason Marquis won the 'Too Much Cologne' prize, and the trophy was an empty bottle of Brut. David Eckstein won 'Most Hair Lost' for the season, John Rodruigez won 'Stinkiest Socks' and Tyler Johnson won 'Most Likely to be Traded to the Cubs'. Things were going well until a few of the veterans did not enjoy their gag gifts nearly as much.

Jim Edmonds, reached for comment, noted, "I don't know what the criteria was for these prizes or who exactly decided to give them out. I was not happy with mine at all. 'Most Likely to Pick a Fight with a Person in a Wheelchair'? That's not an award, that's libel!" So Taguchi had similar reservations with his prize, having won 'Worst Ass Hair'. He replied to questions on the award, adding, "This is something that brings me much shame. My family did not need to hear the team mock my abundant nether-region hair growth. My reputation as a clubhouse leader is shattered."

Team owner Bill DeWitt, who only learned of the fact that he won "Bony Old Man of the Year" at the ceremony during this interview, noted, "I can't say I'm happy about how this awards thing turned out. I was out of town lobbying Congress for funds to help my poor and impoverished team, and only heard about this recently. Swift action must be taken. I put Lamping on it, and he usually gets me results." Mark Lamping, in response to the assignment, stated that swift action would in fact be taken. "I will not sit idly by while players like Scott Rolen, who won for Biggest Hoosier, get made fun of. What really stinks for Rolen is that 'hoosier' in St. Louis does not mean an Indiana native. It means a complete, well, you know, hoosier. Not so flattering, but he didn't even get upset."

Jeff Suppan, who won two awards, one for 'Worst Acting in a Political Ad" and another for "MILFiest Wife", was also a little upset. "Okay, so the stem cell ad thing I might have deserved. I believed in it, and I did something about it, so gimme a break. But on that other award, now that I know at least a few of these guys are leering at my wife makes me a little uncomfortable. This entire thing has been a fiasco. They won't treat me like that on the Dodgers, no sir. And if they do, it's not something a cool twelve mill' a year can't fix."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Rams D to blame poor play on tainted Turducken

2006-11-21T13:00:00.000-06:00

The Saint Louis Rams have a very important divisional matchup this weekend against the surging San Francisco 49ers. [PSA - For those of you who don't habla Espanol, San Fransicso is Spanish for City Where Gays Get Married.] The Niners have been winning games, something the Rams have been avoiding for a while. While the Rams have their eyes on a top pick in next spring's draft, their rival has dreams of winning a wild card spot in the playoff race. The game this weekend is a key contest, and both teams are eagerly awaiting the chance to get on the field.

Getting a head start on the post-game activities is the team press release corps, which has already planned the team announcements for after the game. While this might seem unprecedented, many compare this to political candidates who write both acceptance and concession speeches, knowing they will need one. Such is apparently the practice in the NFL, expecially on a holiday weekend like this one. Reached for comment, team president John Shaw noted, "Well, what with the Thanksgiving holiday approaching, we decided to give some of our support staff some extra time off. So we had the girls upstairs in the press release group draft up the post-game news snippets to send out to the media."

Shocking as this might seem, the press releases claim that the Rams' poor run defense in this upcoming game on Sunday is attributed to a tainted batch of Turducken. Turducken, a favorite of NFL legend and video game kingpin John Madden, is a chicken stuffed with stuffing and then stuffed in a duck and then stuffed in a turkey. While this might seem excessive, especially to starving people in Africa, this is a normal, healthy way to spend your Thanksgiving. Once in a tryptophan-induced coma, the Turducken afficianado can then watch some NFL matchups of teams far better than the Rams all day long.

When asked about the Turducken excuse, Shaw commented, "That Frank Gore is a hell of a runner. And I don't want to be shy about it, so let me just tell you outright that our run defense has been abysmal. You don't need to even understand football to know that much. So after Gore runs us up and down the gridiron this weekend, we will have a story all lined up for the press. Tainted or not, that Turducken is taking the fall, not me." Shaw was then asked about what would happen in the unlikely event that the Rams defense can shut down Gore and the rest of the 49ers offense, to which he replied, "Well then they had better get a press release ready about me eating my hat and kissing my own ass, cuz that ain't happening."

The Rams' private Thanksgiving brunch chef was not pleased to hear this report. "Blame the Turducken, will they?" he mused angrily at news of the planned press release. "Okay, if they want some tained Turducken, I can give them some tainted Turducken." The chef then, blinded by rage, proceeded to throw away all of the bread and meat stuffing and place an order for two cases of canned dog food, as well as ordering his sous chefs to take the birds out of refridgeration to thaw on the counter a few days too early. "I am not going out like some fool for no reason. Let's see them stop the run while their collective asses are exploding. Lesson to readers? Don't piss off your chef."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

KSDK accidentally shows NASCAR highlights

2006-11-20T13:00:00.000-06:00

During the dinnertime broadcasts of the local news on KSDK, the NBC affiliate in St. Louis, the final segment is dedicated to sports, as it should be. This evening was no exception, as sports director Rene Knott (that's ren-ee, not ruh-nay - this is a guy) did his usual 'I wish I was on ESPN' routine for the viewing audience. Rene can read from a teleprompter like the best of them, and can even convincingly feign interest in hockey, which is quite impressive. Why Malcom Briggs was thrown out on his ass after years of service, when he was clearly in line for the sports director position at KSDK, is becoming more and more apparent with each Rene Knott broadcast. However something terrible happend this evening when Knott gave NASCAR highlights during the sports report.

Some hick named Jimmie Johnson ran in the Hillbilly 400 last weekend, and in doing so managed to win the NASCAR Chase for the Cup. The Cup no doubt contains Busch or Pabst, but nonetheless this is a big deal out where Missouri is actually Missouruh. Not so much in St. Louis, and hence the controversy. Johnson (not the football coach / commentator) cleverly secured the Cup title with not a win, but a ninth place finish. The way this works is the top ten points leaders after so many races are eligible for the championship, but everyone else still races. So the guy who wins the title could actually not win any of the final races, or something like that. And people not good enough to be in the Chase can will all of the Chase races. Only in NASCAR, where filling your gastank in a quick and efficient manner that would make most German's proud, and where automotive maintenance is performed rather haphazardly, can you find that kind of rip roaring ninth place finishes that make you want to cheer.

Before the broadcast aired, an intern who thought the racecar stuff was remotely newsworthy queued up some clips from the race and typed in some text into the teleprompter. Like most talentless talking heads, Knott simply read what was scrolling in front of him on the teleprompter. After talking about Pujols losing another MVP award to an inferior player, and after lamenting the Rams' listless performance in Carolina, Knott moved onto other things. Then NASCAR clips started rolling and he began to give details. Luckily for KSDK, someone in the studio was paying attention and put a quick stop to the bit before the entire segment could run its course. After a seemingly endless ninety seconds of dead air, the station came back online and an immediate apology was issued.

Said station a station public relations representative, when reached for comment, "We have taken some heat for airing the racing stuff, and for that we sincerely apologize. We know that St. Louis sports fans just want to see us talk about the Cardinals and Rams, and occassionaly the Blues, with some other stuff sprinkled in. But NASCAR is inexcusable, and I am really just keeping my fingers crossed that the FCC doesn't come down on us too hard. We really took a whallop when we hired a female sports reporter. That was a heck of a fine. Plus we lost quite a few viewers. But this gaffe might just cost us our license. I hope not."

Mayor Francis Slay, so angry that he could barely speak, noted, "I almost choked on my dinner! It was like out of a cartoon or a bad comedy! I really spit out the contents of my mouth, I was so flabbergasted. This is really inexcusable. KSDK has been living fast and loose over there in thier ivory tower on Market Street, and it is about time for the Mayoral You-Know-What-Kickers to do a little straightening up. Starting Tuesday, that station is under new management. Welcome to City TV 5, St. Louis. No more Rene Knott, no more Frank Cusamano, and no more damned NASCAR clips. You can keep that cute little blondie who does sports, though, that one's fine. But I am taking over." When asked if the Mayor's zeal for hands-on management and the ease with which is coup of the station took place could be applied to the local school board, he replied, "I am taking away your press credentials. That was your last warning. I told you not to bring that up, but you did it anyway."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Pace's injury gives him time to scrapbook

2006-11-17T13:00:00.000-06:00

The Rams suffered a noticable loss during last Sunday's game, when offensive tackle Orlando Pace tore a muscle in his arm, causing him to miss the remainder of the season. Few members of the team play as intensely and at such a high level as Pace. He is the anchor of the offiensive line and the key member of the pass protection scheme that the Rams use each Sunday. While this is a devastating blow to the team and the fans, Pace is still upbeat about the ordeal.

Reached for comment, Pace noted, "The strains of football have really taken away from my true passion - scrapbooking. I used to spend my days at The Ohio State University collecting colorful bits of paper, string, and stickers to make creative scrapbook pages with my old and new photographs. Well, now that I have some free time, I can get back to my roots and constructively spend my time, rather than going out on that dirty field and getting all dirty and beat up." Asked whether or not he was serious, Orlando replied, "Of course I'm serious. Something like scrapbooking cannot be done half-way. No, sir, this is a serious hobby. Nay, a lifestyle."

Rams quaterback Marc Bulger, noted, "With Pace out, I am guessing that I will be spending more time on my back than a two dollar Tijuana hoo... uh, you know, I shouldn't say that analogy with the cameras rolling. Kids might be watching, and I would not want to be inappropriate. Let's just say I'll take more hits than a junkie on welfare check day." It was then explained to Bulger that Pace's backup might actuall perform servicably and that the team could string together some wins, to which he responded, "That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard. That's dumber than a hillbilly eating lead paint chips under some power lines."

Bulger's insensitive remarks aside, the Rams front office has been taking this all in stride. A noticeably weeping team president John Shaw added, "This is going to kill our replica jersey revenue! Why?! Why?! Oh, God, why couldn't it have been some other player?! Why?!"

Pace concluded, "I also plan to start a book club and perhaps get that pie cookbook published. This injury is truly a blessing from God."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Indoor blimp catastrophe leaves 22 dead

2006-11-16T13:00:00.000-06:00

Details are finally emerging from the rubble at ScottTrade Center following the indoor blimp catastrophe that left twenty two spectators dead, dozens injured and three missing. As was widely reported in the national media outlets, during the hockey game at home against the Edmonton Oilers last Sunday, the remote controlled indoor coupon-dropping blimp got tangled on some indoor fireworks lines, and a fireball of death and mineral water coupons ensued. In the aftermath, several lawsuits have been filed by individuals and consumer groups. The Blues team management has expressed some concern that this might reflect poorly upon the team and may hurt ticket sales.

Team President John Davidson noted, "Well, Hydrogen is just so darn cheap, and what with the budget crunch and all, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Now, not so much. Oh, the humanity!" Most people use helium in blimps or zepplins, because it is a non-flamable, inert gas. Helium is more expensive per liter than Hydrogen, and doesn't float as well. However, Hydrogen is also highly flammable. So when some idiot started setting off indoor fireworks to celebrate a Blues goal, the blimp, in an attempt to maneuver around those wires, became tangled, and the explosion ensued.

"Now members of the staff are mentioning something called the Hindenburg. Well I wish I had heard about this sooner than just this morning," added Davidson. "Some lives could have been saved and some rennovations could have been spared. Way to drop the ball, guys."

Team Owner Dave Checketts, reached for comment, said, "The good news is that the majority of those killed were season ticket holders, and thus their seats have been paid for for the remainder of the season. Sadly, they will not be able to buy our concessions for the rest of the year." It was then noted by an aide into Checketts' ear that ticket holders are people and not just dollar signs, to which he replied, "Oh, yes of course the Blues send their condolances to the families of those killed and injured. With those condolances will be a coupon for ten percent off of tickets to the games and some more mineral water coupons."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Masturbating banned at ScottTrade Center

2006-11-15T13:00:00.000-06:00

The St. Louis Blues management group came out with some new house rules and restrictions for fans at the popular event forum, the newly renamed ScottTrade Center. Among the changes was a ban on clothes with profane or obscene language or images on them, a restriction on the size of bags that can be brought in, and a zero tolerance policy for bringing outside alcoholic beverages into the arena. Not lost in the new regulation changes is the rule that masturbating in the stands is not allowed.

Said team President John Davidson, "Well, we have had a couple 'incidents' this season, and when our guards went to kick the offending party out of the building, they would ask if what they were doing was banned by the arena rules. As unbelievable as it might be, we never came out and banned it. So we threw this in with the rule changes to make it easier to kick these people out of there or at least make them stop."

New team owner Dave Checketts, commenting on the change, noted, "I'm upset that it had to come to this, but changes needed to be made. I hate to be the ogre here, but it was beginning to disrupt the other fans, few as they might be. When the product on the ice is not so great, I can see why people tend to distract themselves by doing other things. Some fans read the paper, others talk amongst themselves, and hopefully most of them are spending money on concessions. But a few goofy fans found that vigorously giving themselves the ol' secret handshake in the stands would make the game a little more fun. Other fans sitting near them tended to disagree, so we stepped in."

Oddly enough, performing abortions, killing of animals, smoking opiates and shooting off fireworks are also not banned in the arena, and were not added to the list of new rules. Some of these irregularities were brought to the attention of Davidson, who replied, "I am not in the business of restricting people's freedoms. I just want to make Blues hockey an enjoyable event for all people. With no complaints about any of that other behavior, there is no reason to restrict it at this time."

It was them asked if masturbating was banned in all of ScottTrade or just in the stands, to which Davidson replied, "Well of course you have those cooky special interest groups. So while we can ban it in the stands, we had to provide by Federal law some designated areas where fans can go to and, uh, take care of any personal business. Let's just say you should avoid the new rooms behind sections 102, 206, and 313."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

In-line hockey franchises sold to local entrepreneurs

2006-11-14T13:00:00.000-06:00

The Professional Inline Hockey Association just announced that St. Louis would be a target for league expansion in the upcoming season. In an incredible move, unprecidented in professional sports history, St. Louis has been awarded not one, not two, not even three, but four franchises for the upcoming season in the PIHA. The teams will be: the Midwest Tornadoes (Ballwin), the River City Whalers (St. Charles), the St. Louis Rattlers (St. Charles) and the Southside Snipers (Somewhere south?). League managers and owners are excited at this amazing and rapid expansion. Certainly this league is set to "Blow Up", as advertised on the league website.

In keeping with the league's policy of "not expanding too fast and too soon," only four teams were awarded to the St. Louis area, instead of the standard dozen or so. Said league founder and president Charley Yoder, "I think that the restraint our league showed in only giving out four franchises to that area this year is in line with our policies. Get it? 'In-Line'? That's pretty funny, you have to admit. Anyway, this market is so exciting that we had to expand there. And expand and expand and expand. I see great things for roller hockey in St. Louis. Great things."

Given the relatively new status of the league, and the number of teams awarded, the price for expansion was fairly reasonable. An ad running in the back of the Riverfront Times asked readers if they "ever wanted to own a professional sports team." Four people replied to the 1-800 number listed on the back, and after a brief telephone interview, an online application form and a $50 check made out to the PIHA Fiji Island Holding Trust, they were awarded their franchises. Given the intense popularity of the now-defunct St. Louis Vipers IHL team, this seems like money well spent, according to the one owner who had a working number listed. This owner, wishing to remain unnamed for fear of intense publicity and media scrutiny, plans to invest wisely in the team. Hopefully, it was noted, the players are willing to play for free and make their own jerseys and skates, and then the team might begin to make some money.

Seemingly the only person upset in the move is the owner of the Cincinnati Flying Monkeys, who somehow got grouped in the five-team 'Gateway Division' with the four Saint Louis expansion franchises. "How the hell did that happen?" he asked. "What a frickin job they worked on me. I pay my franchise fee, and they give me the hose. Why not put me in the "Canadian West Division, while we are sticking it up my ass? Who planned this stupid league?"

Reached for comment, relentless St. Louis sports cheerleader Mayor Francis Slay, added, "My staff tells me that the St. Louis area already had two minor league inline hockey teams, the St. Louis Pythons (St. Peters) and the River City Stingray (St. Charles) for indoor skating hockey. Well this is a fine day for the area. I am really proud that we can play hockey on wheels and without ice. Sadly, since they are not in the city limits, we cannot tax them, but I plan on requesting more expansion soon to within the city limits."

Slay added, "I predict this whole thing folds, I mean, becomes successful within a few short years. Four teams? What an amazing acheivement. I think that accomplishment alone merits my re-election." The Mayor was then asked about crime, the school board, crumbling roads, homeless people, taxes and other less important issues, to which he responded, "Why do you always bring up that other shit? I am trying to talk about my hometown. I am trying to put a positive spin on something that is happening in this city. Any you bring up this other peripheral crap? Come on, man, just let me talk up this city's upside for once without taxes-this and homeless-that. Just once."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

[This league, however, is not made up.]

$25 gift card to Cardinals team store a shitty present

2006-11-13T13:00:00.000-06:00

As the holiday season approaches, some people are thinking about what to get their loved ones or liked acquaintences for Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa or whatever people do around Christmas-time in Asia. Gift cards are excellent options. It's like giving money, only much more restrictive and requiring a trip to the store. Nothing says, "I don't know you well enough to know what to give you" like a plastic fake credit card to only one store. And the St. Louis Cardinals hope that many people out there follow the national trend of buying gift cards for the holidays, something that has been happening more often each and every year for the past ten years.

Said team chairman Bill DeWitt, "I used to get my nephews and nieces twenty five dollar gift cards to the music store in the mall for the holidays. But they would complain that it would only buy them one compact disc. What an incredible ripoff! Those magnificent bastards!" DeWitt, lost in sinister thought, began to gaze gleefully off into space. He was returned to the interview with a couple of stiff nudges, and then continued, "So I realized that we could do the same thing. Sell the gift cards in round number denominations that are a few bucks more than the prices of our best selling items. We used the mall music store model to increase revenue. Things have been a little tight around here lately, and it's time to trim the fat and look for some extra change here and there."

Asked to elaborate on this 'plan', DeWitt deferred us to team president Mark Lamping, who was busy washing DeWitt's car. Lamping, between waxing on and off, commented, "So an official t-shirt sells for $21 after tax. We sell gift cards typically for $25. This leaves change on the card that we already got paid when the first guy bought the card. Who is going to carry around a card with a couple bucks on it? So they either pitch it or buy more crap with their own cash. Really, that man is a genius. Oops, back to work! He is watching me from his window up there!"

Stlsports decided to investigate further. Upon arriving at the Cardinals Gift Shop, a $10 Hanes hooded sweatshirt was selling for $50 dollars. "The real value", according to the clerk, was in the "iron-on World Series logo", that cost a few cents to produce en masse. "It's a genuine, officially licensed sweatshirt," he boasted. And, added the clerk, "the sweatshirts were bought in bulk from Malaysia", and thus actually only cost about $4 each. "God Bless America", he added. Gift cards were being sold at denominations of $10, $25, $50 and $100. Most items cost a few dollars less than those denominations, the store having fully implemented the ingenious revenue-generating scheme of Cardinals management.

Forced to succumb to the marketing and pressure, Stlsports was cornered into buying a $25 card for Mrs. Stlsports for Christmas. After all, she has had her eye on that $18 baseball cap and has been yearning for a reason to drive into downtown St. Louis to go to a store conveniently located in the stadium. She will love it!

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

McCaskill: The Royals need your tax dollars!

2006-11-10T13:00:00.000-06:00

Newly-elected Missouri senator Claire McCaskill managed to win the seat of outgoing senator Jim Talent in a close election. With McCaskill taking office, a change in policy at the federal level is anticipated, and the issues being fought for on behalf of Missouri might change as well. Some political commentators have speculated that she might use her influence to bring some much-needed tax relief to impoverished, hurting and financially-unviable groups, such as her favorite baseball team, the Kansas City Royals.

Just as John Ashcroft diverted tax revenue to the St. Louis Cardinals and as Bill Clinton portioned off budgeted federal money for Klan softball teams (allegedly), McCaskill has plans for the federal government to divert your funds to Kaufmann Stadium, the home of her beloved Royals. "I was getting used to spending only Missouri's money on Missouri's problems, but now that I am in Washington, I can spend everybody's money on Missouri's problems!", elated McCaskill. The freshman senator continued, "It is amazing! All of this free money to spend! There's so much of it, we can just spend it all. And, you know what? When we run out, we just print some more! Is this a great country, or what?"

When asked how she plans to carry out this act, she noted, "I can just get Kaufmann declared a disaster area. I mean, in the figurative sense, I guess it is a disaster what is happening there to my cherished Royals. But is it really a disaster? No, but as a former auditor, I think I can write up a budget proposal that can get approved. Give me some credit, here."

In a parallel story, Illinois' re-elected governor Rod "Perfect Hair" Blagjoyevitchs (sp?) has petitioned both the federal government and the state legislature for money to buy the sorry-assed Cubbies from the stingy owners of the Wrigley/Tribune family of incompetence. "Only a buffoon would sign Kerry Wood to an extension," opined Rod. He added ,"And I would ask that money be spent on more prudent options, like proven stars. Where is Barry Bonds? How about Jose Lima? Kent Bottenfield? Chuck Finley? Milton Bradley? I want proven winners on that team, and with your help, Illinois, I can do it. We can change things for the better."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

[Okay, so maybe Clinton didn't use part of the federal budget on Klan softball. On the upside, getting on the FBI flagged blog list just adds readership.]

Suppan: I support cloning 'hot-assed bitches'

2006-11-09T13:00:00.000-06:00

During the heated mid-term election here in Missouri, several constitutional amendments were on the ballot. One raised the minimum wage, while another would have raised taxes on tobacco to near national levels (the sticks are cheap-o here in MO!). One issue that got the most attention was the ballot measure known as Amendment 2, which would legalize all forms of stem cell research allowed by federal law. Many celebrities and noted civic leaders assured us that the measure banned cloning, at the same time urging us not to read it, but simply to vote as they tell us. Several others, opponents of the measure, claimed that a cursory reading of the measure showed that it did in fact allow cloning. [Why is this in a satire sports blog? Keep reading ...]

The amendment passed, but not without a fight from some notable sports figures, including Mike Sweeny of the KC Royals, Kurt Warner of the AZ Gridbirds, and David Eckstein and Jeff Suppan of the World Series Champion Cardinals. These uber-powerful sports figures, along with that wife from Everybody Loves Raymond and the guy who played Jesus in the movies, made it known that they were opposed to cloning and to the amendment, including Suppan, who appeared in an advertisement during the World Series game he pitched. Jeff, known amongst his teammates as sensible, intelligent and well-spoken, made some enemies in the clubhouse and in the fan base. Regardless, he has caged his words of late, noting that, if push came to shove, he would support the cloning of "hot-assed bitches."

Asked to elaborate on his comments, Suppan noted, "Well that stuff is going to happen, whether or not it did in Missouri or somewhere else. Why even bother trying to stop it? So while they are at it, why not clone me up some hotties? I could use a cloned Lindsay Lohan all for myself. Man, that sounds good." It was then explained to Suppan that Lohan is a little over half his age, to which he replied, "She's over eighteen, right? Okay, so leave me alone about that."

Other celebrities who spoke out against the measure have since come back towards the middle ground. Eckstein has asked researchers to provide him with a "nacho cloning machine", which was explained to him as not really the purpose of the amendment. Persistant, and perhaps not thinking things through, Eckstein is pouring thousands into nacho cloning technologies. Kevin Sweeney has asked Royals team management to clone him some teammates that can hit, field, pitch, run or just about do anything better than his sorry-assed teammates right now. And Kurt Warner has asked for a cloned assassin to kill his crazy wife. While these requests might seem idiotic and rediculous to us, just think of how crazy computers and blogs and toilets sounded to people just a few decades ago.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Alert: Stlsports switches to All-Porno format in an effort to boost readership

2006-11-08T13:00:00.000-06:00

So mail it in! Really, I need some uncopyrighted material to start this change. I know it will take some time, but change is inevitable. And I hear change is good, or at least that's what all the political ads have been telling me.

Sports no more! All porn all the time! Eventually. We're still in the planning stages.

Hot ticket in town: Women's soccer

2006-11-07T13:00:00.000-06:00

biThe Saint Louis University women's soccer team has, for the second consecutive season, managed to lock up the Atlantic-10 championship. The stellar play of the league rookie of the year and some other women in shorts resulted in a trip to the title game of the league tournament. After dispatching their A-10 foes in order, the Lady Billikens are looking forward to getting their first opponent in the NCAA championship bracket and starting on the path to a national title.

Tickets to Lady Billiken soccer games have been hard to come by. Said one renowned scalper, "I have seen a steady increase in demand for these tickets. I am fairly certain that, with the Cardinals' great season over with and with the Rams only playing a few more times at home this year, the Lady Bills tickets are the hottest ticket in town." When asked about the Steamers, Blues and other college sports, he replied, "Don't waste my time with that other crap! No money in that stuff."

Reached for comment, Fr. Lawrence Biodi, president of the Jesuit university, noted, "Haha! We're out-drawing the Blues! At women's soccer! Once we get that new kick butt stadium built on campus, we can really stick it to them with our basketball attendance. And we can build a wall or fence around the campus to keep people out. I have been itching for that wall for a while, with towers on the perimeter."

A regular scene at local college bars and fraternity gatherings has been a group of young men drunkenly salivating at the sight of sweaty women running around in short shorts. One of these fine exemplars of academia noted, "Those soccer women are pretty darned hot. Wooh, look at her, she is smokin'!" He was then asked about his thoughts on the team's success, to which he replied, "What? Who cares? No one watches women's sports for fundamentals or for competition. Like everyone else, women's sports is watched for the women. The smaller the outfits and the hotter the women the better. SLU soccer girls are right up there. But you know what would make this better? Thong bikinis. You want to talk about a spike in attendance? Thong bikinis - think about it. Hey, pass me another Budweiser!"

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Haslett: Perhaps playing like ass not so great

2006-11-06T13:00:00.001-06:00

The Rams, for the second consecutive week, played a horrible game on defense. Not that LaDanian Tomlinson and Larry Johnson aren't running all over the rest of the league, but the Rams have been putting out particularly putrid efforts lately after what was considered by some to be a great start. Defensive coordinator Jim Haslett has been taking some heat about the recent slide in effort and play.

"I tried to walk them through it very simply," explained Haslett. He continued, "I called a defensive meeting and set it all out there: 'It's called tackling. Remember, from Pop Warner? Remember? Tackling. Using your strength and momentum and grip to wrestle the opposing player who has the ball to the ground. Tackling. Look into it.' I think it was beginning to come back to some of them. Well, none of the starters, but a few of them."

When asked why the team has been performing so poorly, Haslett could only speculate, "Well at home I have been getting a ton of obnoxious phone calls from automated auto-dialers telling me who to vote for or against in the election tomorrow. That has probably been the source of the problems on defense. The impending election and those ads and phone calls. That and the poor funadmental play. And really good offensive teams."

Finally, Haslett added, "I will be happy as hell when that stupid election is over. Then we can start playing some solid defense again."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

"Smooch Your Pooch" an unhygenic suggestion

2006-11-06T13:00:00.000-06:00

The St. Louis Cardinals are the World Series champions, and with the title comes a great deal of additional media attention on the players, coaches and management. Sometimes, people in the sports world like to use attention to push an agenda. For example, Kurt Warner took advantage of his Super Bowl win to talk about God and Jesus. Shaquille Oneal talked about his superstar rap status after winning another basketball title. And Wayne Gretzky made crazy statements about the Islamic liberation movement in Chechnya. But now Tony LaRussa has decided to push his own social agenda with the national spotlight squarely on him.

During the World Series parade, instead of wearing something relating to the Cardinals, or perhaps some normal clothes, he decided to put on a black t-shirt with giant a lipstick print on the front. In the midst of the kiss was the slogan 'Smooch Your Pooch', as an encouragement for people to kiss their dogs. LaRussa, an avid animal lover, started the Animal Rescue Fund (or something like that), a charity based in where else but California for the benefit of pets. The shirt has drawn some confusion from fans, including those in the animal care profession.

Reached for comment, a noted veterinarian stated, "Actually you should not be smooching pooches. Or any pet. Really, pets are pretty damned filthy in the mouth. I have heard the euphamism that a dog's mouth is cleaner than a humans, but that must have been stated by someone who eats poop and garbage all day, since that is about how clean a dog's mouth is. Have you ever seen two dogs together? What do they do? They lick each other's butts. Then they sniff around the ground, eat some poop and garbage, and then lick their own privates. No, not very clean at all. LaRussa is an idiot. Instead of smooching your pooch, how about deworming or immunizing your pooch? I know that is not a great slogan, but a lot better than smooching your pooch. What a sicko."

LaRussa commented, in response to the medical professional, "I think I know a little something about dogs. I own fifty. I smooch them all the time. Right before leaving to go to work, I smooch each dog each day. My wife doesn't live here in St. Louis with me, so I smooch my dogs on the way out the door. It gets lonely here in this penthouse. So lonely."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Special Edition: Rejected Sports Headlines [Part 4]

2006-11-03T13:00:00.001-06:00

It's been a while since one of these got published. With good reason, because they are awful.

NAACP lodges formal 'lack of diversity' complaint against NHL [You've got Donald Brashear and Jerome Iginla and then who?]

NHL tickets not selling well in North St. Louis City [This is closely tied to the previous rejected headline.]

Coach Q to Pleau: Thank you for firing me! [How do you think people on the Titanic life boats felt? Ask coach Q.]

Aaron Miles waiting for big payday [Ripping on this guy is way too easy, since he has such a high opinion of himself.]

Aaron Miles too short to ride the Screamin' Eagle [This goes beyond making fun, and into just plain mean.]

1380 AM / 550 AM rumble leaves 3 dead, 12 injured [This reminds me of Anchorman, and those stations really seem to dislike each other.]

Chris Duncan aiming for 2018 Gold Glove nomination [Anyone who watched right field in game five of the World Series knows what I mean.]

Kerry Robinson upset about lack of Ryan Howard comparisons [The gag, and it is not great, is that while both are from St. Louis, only Howard gets attention from the media.]

Keith Law still hates the Cardinals with every fiber of his being [This is the dude, a former scout who now blogs for ESPN, who made it clear each and every day, up to the day you are reading this, that the 2006 Cardinals are the worst team of all time, worse than the 2004 KC Royals and the 2003 Detroit Tigers and the 1899 Cleveland Spiders.]

Steamers hooligans killed in brawl following tough loss [Now how tough are indoor soccer hooligans from the USA? Probably not so tough, and hence the story. It was lame, though.]

Indoor soccer three point shot confuses everyone [Well did YOU know there was a 3-point shot in indoor soccer? Neither did I. Darryl Durran didn't even know that.]

$25 gift card to Cardinals team store buys half a sweatshirt [How do you make a ten dollar Hanes sweatshirt worth fifty bucks? Iron on a Cardinals World Series logo.]

Area orphanage capacity too low to support NBA franchise [I made a similar gag in a prior story and this would have elaborated. But children with no parents, or at least no parents who care about them, is really not very funny at all.]

Spelling bee winner beats up poker tournament winner [Dumb idea of comparing the toughness of athetes in sports of questionable sportiness.]

World Series of Scrabble outdraws Steamers game [My buddy is a Scrabble lunatic, so this is for him.]

Phrase "Pocket Pool" banned at Billiards tournament [Good one liner, but a dumb story. I tried this one out and it bombed.]

Georgia Frontiere can't find St. Louis on a map [Same thing - good one liner, bad joke in practice. Maybe not even a good one liner ...]

Suppan: I support the cloning of hot-assed bitches only [Yes, he was in the anti-cloning ad. But if his feet were put to the fire, like most men, we would support the cloning of hot-assed bitches and perhaps also some skanktastic hos as well.]

Grudzielanek: Gold Glove not as cool as a World Series Ring [Lesson for ballplayers: Ask for too much = Get sent to KC, MO, with a Gold Glove consolation prize. Ask for reasonable amount = Be on World Series team.]

Governor's Cup named lamest trophy in Missouri history [Really it is. No one here gives a crap. So Matt Blunt gives it out? Whoopie.]

Chiefs pumped for Governor's Cup game, Rams not so much [Different take on the above joke. Whooptie doo.]

Cubs fans not bitter, just suicidal and depressed [I thought this up a while ago, then it was in the Post-Dispatch. 2004 - Red Sox break the curse, similar to the Cubs' curse. 2005 - Cross-town rival White Sox get a ring, also having been a while since they won it all. 2006 - Long time division rival and arch enemies the Cardinals win a ring. Poor Cubbies. Hahahahahahaahaha!!!]

Talent: McCaskill is a Royals/Chiefs fan! [Some people would seriously vote against her based on these ads. I know I would.]

[These stories would have been satires of public figures.]

Torry Holt wins Rawlings Gold Glove Award

2006-11-03T13:00:00.000-06:00

The Rams have a future Hall of Fame wide receiver in Torry Holt. He has had as great of a start to his career as some of the finest players in NFL history. Torry is revered by the fans and feared by opposing defensive backs. He has been in two Super Bowls and will hopefully be in a few more. Besides being a fine player, he has been a part of football and draft day analysis for television networks. Truly his star shines brightly and we can continue to expect great things from this fine athlete. But now he has accomplished something truly extraordinary - winning a Rawlings Gold Glove Award.

Said MLB Commissioner Bud Selig, "Torry Holt can make catches that most people dream about, and he makes it look easy. He has the best hands in the game. We wanted to mix it up a little bit and decided that, if he was an outfielder, he would be one of the best in the league. I don't think he should be penalized for playing in a different league." Selig was then reminded that Holt doesn't just play in a different league, but a different sport altogether, to which he replied, "What the hell is the difference? Catch the ball on the run. Good enough for me. Listen, the people at Rawlings give this thing out, not me. I don't even like football."

Reached for comment, Holt noted, "It is about damned time that I started getting the recognition that I deserve. Just because Chad Johnson and Terrell Owens are louder and more obnoxious than me, doesn't mean that they are better than me. I think this Gold Glove finally proves that I am an amazing athlete. That or it proves that the people at Rawlings are a little crazy. Either way I am thrilled at the honor."

Rawlings defended its move though a company spokesman, who commented, "The outfield position was a little thin this year. And we were all sitting around drinking some beers and watching some football and we thought, hey, you know what, Torry Holt would be a great outfielder. It grew out of that. Pretty organic if you ask me."

In an unrelated story, Mary McSorley has been belatedly awarded a Silver Slugger award for the year 2000.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

[You win a prize if you get that McSorley reference.]

Mid-Season Fantasy Football Update

2006-11-02T13:00:00.000-06:00

We're half way through the National Football League season, and accordingly we are halfway through the Fantasy Football season. It's time for the contenders to make some moves and for the pretenders to clear their rosters, roll over and die. As usual, Stlsports' two teams are a pretender and a non-contender, respectively. A brief (well, kind of brief) update on the fantasy leagues:

High School Friend League

Stlsports is 4-4. This is not so great, obviously. I could easily be 6-2, but I am an over-managing dumbass. Week 1 = loss because I sat Frank Gore. Week 7 = loss because I sat Hines Ward. The team is decent overall, but there are a couple juggernauts out there that might kill me in the playoffs. Who knows. I have a couple weeks to decide whether I should pack it in and sell of my stars, hoping to win the Toilet Bowl (consolation bracket championship, which awards the top pick next season) and get some good keeper candidates, or sell of some of my pretty darned good keeper players and rookies for some elite players and make a run. What a conundrum.

Flapjack has been hounding me to post this football update. Okay, I can own it - he schooled me when I played him a few weeks ago. All of his big guns were on a bye and I was at full strength and he straight up took me behind the woodshed. He was asking how my butt felt for the next two weeks. Hardy har har, Flapjack. A 7-1 records does not a doormat unmake. At 7-1, you are getting prepped for a huge letdown. Huge, but predictable. Your team is good, but you will lose in the playoffs and be left with a late pick next season. Plus, you sold all but one of your keeper prospects in some interesting trades. Things just aren't looking so good for you. You know I'm right. Too bad. See you next season.

The stunning loss to Flapjack aside, Stlsports managed to lose to the winless team managed by his own brother. Unkie Herb, as we will call him to protect his identity, has a bad team. And by bad team, I mean a godawfuldisastercrapola team. Most people like to draft two starting running backs and one starting quarterback, but not old Herb. One starting RB and a few risky QBs later, and he came into the week 7 showdown at a Raider-esque 0-6. But there is always the Bidwell Cardinals of each fantasy league, and it was me. Well sure, I would have won if I wasn't an over-managing idiot. But in the end, he has his win to get him over the hump. He made some sweet trades (pay attention, Flapjack) and his team is ripped for next year. He is all set and with some competent drafting (i.e. no advice from me) he can contend a year from now.

Cupcake's team is pretty good. A few holes, but nothing too terrible. Dumpling, not so much. He is in the tank. I predict that I conquer Dumpling in the Toilet Bowl championship game and Flapjack loses in the first round of the playoffs to Cupcake. But none of us will win the title. That will go to some othe idiot. Who cares. I am in this league to socialize and get drunk at the draft party. Mission accomplished. When is the next draft party?

Brother-In-Law League

Stlsports is 2-6. That's what I get for drafting Edgerrin James and Willis McGahee with the first two picks. Too bad scoring touchdowns is not a priority for either of these hacks. Too bad their NFL teams are terrible. What a worthless team. Everyone on it sucks. What the hell was I thinking? Next draft, the formula will be more beer consumption and less thinking.

Plus, now I have my 3-5 brother-in-law talking crap about how my team is so bad it could not even help him out. Allright, dude, I am 3-0 against you lifetime. Let's see what happens in a couple of weeks.

And when I played Sugarpie a few weeks ago, I made sure not to side bet with his side bet welching ass. Of course I lost and it was the right call in the end. If we had made a bet, I would have welched on it and waited to see how much he complained. The other brothers-in-law finally heard about his non-payment of wagered beer last season and they were wildly pissed off. Way more pissed off than I was or am.

My only two wins happily came against brother-in-laws (I have five or six). They really really really hated losing to me. I am totally satisfied with just those two wins, since I can hold those over them for a while. I just need one more over Mark, who we will call Cuddles to protect his identity, to run my lifetime record against him to 4-0. Man, that would annoy the heck out of him.

Overall, the season is a wash. I ran up a 10-2 mark against them last year, and, as I predicted in August, I am on the road to 2-10. I have decided to sell my few valuable players in lopsided trade offers, to be balanced out by beer payments. The offers are not rolling in.

Final Thoughts

Good luck to everyone in the home stretch of their respective leagues, except Flapjack and Cuddles!

Here's to a Stlsports / Unkie Herb title game in 2007!

Here's to Flapjack repeating as 2007 Draft Party Beer Bitch!

Taguchi: I am natually immune to bird flu

2006-11-01T13:00:00.000-06:00

Americans have been worried about the Asian epidemic of bird flu. Not only does this terrible flu kill birds, but it can also kill humans, and hence the worries. Several careless Asian tourists have been suspected of unknowingly carrying the flu into America, where the population is waiting hopelessly with no mass-produced vaccine and with no natural biological immunities or defenses to this plague. Thankfully, the Cardinals have decided to re-sign outfielder So Taguchi.

When he is not busy being booed by Asian baseball fans not from Japan, Taguchi is tirelessly promoting Japan, including its tourism industry and rich culture. When something as ugly as the bird flu pandemic comes into the news, this hurts Taguchi greatly. Luckily, since he is Japanese, and hence Asian, he is natually immune to the bird flu, and thus can be useful in creating a universal vaccine, or at least that's what some Washington University researchers have told us.

Said Taguchi, "Yes, I am very most lucky baseball player, since I am not capable of contracting the bird flu. I have made my special blood donation most available to those scientists so that American baseball fans can participate in the healthy lifestyles of successful Japanese citizens." The secret project, codenamed "Operation Gootch", has been in the works for a couple of years now at the Washington University underground research bunker near the west end of Forest Park. Millions of taxpayer and fundraised dollars have been responsibly and carefully spent on researching this one man's blood.

When his contract expired at the end of this season, the project was put into jeopardy. Citing budget constraints, the Cardinals had planned not to resign the popular player. However, thanks to grants from the Carnegie Foundation and the United Way, So was resigned and can be available in St. Louis for the next couple of seasons. This is good news for fans of disciplined, fundamental fielding, as well as fans of not dying from bird flu.

Thank you, So!

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Tinoisamoa: Great surfing in San Diego

2006-10-31T13:00:00.000-06:00

The San Diego Chargers handed out a serious on-the-field beating to the Saint Louis Rams last weekend. LaDanian Tomlinson put on a rushing clinic, having torched the Lambs for two scores on the ground and another through the air for good measure. While this might be a moral victory for holding the perennial fantasy football MVP to only three TDs, the Rams looked pretty awful on defense. Missing from the improved, but still needing improvement, defensive unit was linebacker Piso Tinoisamoa, who has been nursing an injury of some kind that seemed to keep him from playing.

Said Piso, reached for comment, "It was a good time to get a wrist injury, let me tell you. Have you ever tried to tackle Tomlinson? Glad I missed that one." Pressed to elaborate, he added, "Well I just got that five year extension, so I can kind of lay it up for a little while. No need to look foolish unnecessiarily. And what's great about this whole thing is now people are talking about how much better things might have been if I had played. This is a huge win-win situation for me." Tinoisamoa was then reminded that the Rams wound up losing the game, to which he noted, "Yeah, that's a kick in the pants. Oh well."

When asked what the game looked like to him from the sidelines, Piso noted, "Actually I was out surfing at the time of the game. You are only in San Diego so often during the season and the surfing is excellent out there. No, I was not there. I had someone stand in for me. You would be amazed at how many people are willing to wear your jersey on the sidelines in street clothes for a couple hundred bucks. Really nice of that guy to cover for me. And boy am I lucky that I didn't get this cast wet. That doctor would have had my ass!"

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

St. Louis celebrates championship with ... violence

2006-10-30T13:00:00.001-06:00

The Saint Louis Cardinals, having just won their first championship in almost a quarter of a century, decided to celebrate in style. A fantastic parade and ceremony capped off an improbable run at the World Series title, and many of the fans chose to join the team responsibly in the revelry. Some people, apparently more and more each day, decided to celebrate in a less conventional manner, by committing violent crimes.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation has finally named St. Louis the most dangerous city in America. After years of trying to get over the hump, the city managed to get to the top of these infamous rankings. Said Mayor Francis Slay, "I can't say I'm thrilled. Frankly, this city has been slowly progressing deeper into the recesses of hell each year I have been in office. I swear, that is a coincidence. It has been bad enough being mentioned in the same sentence as cities like Reno, Laredo, Atlanta, Compton, and East St. Louis for crime statistics. But now to be number one? Damn it."

Not only did Detroit hand the World Series to the Cardinals on a silver platter, they also gladly passed the title of biggest criminal hellhole in the contiguous United States to the community here as well. Reached for comment, Tiger manager Jim Leyland noted, "Well the increase in crime is probably actually due to the Detroit fans that came down to St. Louis for a week. You don't really think those stats came out this weekend all skewed like that on chance, do you? Good old Detroit fans, spreading the love in St. Louis. I saw some real first-class Detroit-style crimes going on from my hotel room. Kind of makes you proud, seeing the hometown fans representing on the road like that."

Mayor Slay continued, "I am glad we overtook Detroit for the World Series, but not so glad we overtook them for the crime capitol. You know, those stats are for the city only, not the county or the rest of the metropolitan area. They are a little misleading. I need to become mayor of Belleville or Huntleigh or something like that. Crime city, USA, yessir. How the hell did I let the DNC talk me into running for this job?"

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

World Series Parade attracts record number of hoosiers

2006-10-30T13:00:00.000-06:00

With the World Series parade came a great deal of revelers. The powerful KMOX signal created a radius of Cardinal fans hundreds of miles in each direction, and the KTRS signal keeps a few dozen of those fans happy with its craptastic broadcast. Everyone within Cardinal nation wished they could be a part of this memorable day last Sunday. Many people packed up and drove for hours just to get a glimpse of their favorite players. Some complications did arise when Redbird fans from less sophisticated areas of the midwest made their way into a large metropolitan area for the first time.

Reached for comment, Mayor Francis Slay, noted, "Saint Louis is a great place to visit and we would normally love to have a ton of out-of-town dollars being spent here. But some of the idiots that showed up for this parade really frustrated me and the other people who live hear year-round." Asked to elaborate, Mayor Slay responded, "That funny lookin light flashy thing is a street light, Zeke. And the red hand, as opposed to the white outline of a person walking, means 'Don't Walk'. Yes, Rusty, the big city lights can be frightening to those who dare venture out of their trailers and into urbania. Learn to use a crosswalk and don't snarl traffic to a halt, you hicks!"

County Executive Charlie Dooley added, "We have seen a great deal of business increases in the county and outlying areas, thanks to the tourists coming to the parades. The local grocers can hardly keep the Pabst and Stag on the shelves. Don't even get me started on the dollars being generated at our local Wal-Marts. And the gun shops, tobacco stores, RV rest areas and other fine establishments. It really is excellent."

Mayor Slay, continuing his comments, noted, "The hard, black top to the street is called black top. See, large machines come through and do something called 'lay pavement', and that makes a more durable right of way for automobiles. The fancy kind of autos, not the Duster or the Four-Wheeler. God, I hate those hoosiers. Don't you have baseball out in the sticks?"

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Sports Bar Review: Al Hrabosky's Ballpark Saloon

2006-10-27T13:00:00.001-05:00

Stlsports has decided to start occasionally reviewing local sports-themed restaurants and bars, as a part of the mission of keeping the readers informed on all things sports. Sports bars, being inherently related to sports, seemed like a logical progression in diversifying the type of fake sports news you can only get here and about a dozen other places on the web.

Last night, Stlsports went to the infamous Al Hrabosky's attempt at a sports bar, properly named Al Hrabosky's Ballpark Saloon. It was a kind of late night, hence the no-post-Wednesday. Here is the story.

A little background on the bar: Al Hrabosky was a fan-favorite sociopathic middle relief pitcher for the Cardinals back in the 1970's. He was known for his wild appearance and crazy behavior on the mound. After his playing days had ended, "The Mad Hungarian", as he became to known, got into the broadcasting business. Al can be seen giving color analysis with Dan "Homer" McLaughlin on Fox Sports Midwest. Soon the entrepreneur bug began to bite at big Al's heels, and he decided to open up a shrine to dram shop litigation, the Ballpark Saloon. The BPS is a giant series of metal sheds on a dilapidated parking lot, only a block and a half from the new Busch Stadium. Slightly farther away than "building collapse waiting to happen" Paddy-O's, the BPS has a steady stream of fans and a steady stream of booze. I have been there only twice before. The first time, it was the last Missouri stop on my bachelor party (think about that for a second ... oh, now you get it), and I went there a second time the next morning to pick up my debit card that I left there in a drunken stupor.

A little background on the evening: With me were Cupcake, of fantasy football fame, and Doghair, new to the Stlsports family. We decided to head down there to watch game four of the World Series within a few hundred yards of people who had paid much much more to see the game in person than we had. Doghair decided to hawk some tickets at several times face value. I swear I had nothing to do with that, Officers. Anyway, he told us that all the drinks were on him that night, as well as any food. This event was wife and child free, so we could act like pigs. We sat outside since it was so damned crowded indoors. Flapjack, also of fantasy sports fame, was a notable absentee. He is 'that guy' when the home team is playing an important game. He dogs on the hometown all the time. When the Rams lost the Superbowl, he was almost murdered by my party guests. He did manage to call and text obnoxious anti-Pujols messages. That dude (I love 'em) sucks ass sometimes, and he knows it.

We took the Metrolink downtown, on the eight hundred trillion dollar extension. It was nice, I guess. Very few shivings or shootings occurred on this trip, and most of the people that lived on the train tracks were also rooting on the Redbirds. On the way home, drunkass Doghair fell asleep on the train. Not having the heart to let him wake up alone and robbed at the airport, I helped him out at our stop. Metrolink Grade: B

Doghair kept pestering Stlsports and Cupcake to eat some food. Finally having some cash, he was happy to piss it away on us. Desperate to get him off of my back, Stlsports ordered a BBQ brisket sandwich for a seemingly reasonable seven bucks. Not my money, so what the hell. After being told what a loser I was for not ordering a twenty dollar slab of ribs, I told Doghair that I would make up for it on the beer end of the deal. The brisket was fine, slathered in sauce to hide the undoubtedly low grade of meat. I am sure it was up to health code. Hopefully. I'm positive the fact that I drank a third of a bottle of Pepto at work today is unrelated to that sandwich. Doghair ate a giant basket of fries by himself and did not get sick from it. In fact, those spuds probably kept him from yaking on the train ride out of downtown. BPS Food Grade: B-

Our waitress was pretty cute. She was not very flirty and since it was cold, we saw next to no skin. (Look, I know I am married, but hey I am a guy at a sports bar here.) She was quick with the beer when we asked for it, although that shit is so expensive. Good gracious! She earned huge points for letting wildly drunken Doghair pick her up unsuspectingly like a rag doll and jump around with her after a big play. He even spilt and broke a beer on the play. No complaints from her really boosts her score. She also did not complain when super drunk and rowdy dude in front of us shattered his plastic lawn chair while celebrating. Too bad Doghiar is a cheap tipper - she deserved better. BPS Waitress Grade: A-

The beer selection was pretty simple. If it was an A-B product and was in a grocery store, they probably had it. A six pack, served either in a six pack box or in a bucket, depending on the waiter, was twenty bucks. This is only a three hundred percent markup from the grocery store, which is a pretty incredible deal considering how close we were to the ballpark. It was particularly cost-effective, since Doghair paid for all of that crap. I like A-B as much as anyone, and the more you drink, the better it is. Like I said before, it was cold and came out to us quick. And I drank a ton of it. BPS Beer Grade: B

As earlier stated, we are all married men. We are not picking anyone up, or smootchin' on anyone. We just like looking at women who are acting like drunken idiots and who are flashing a little skankiness. That being said, there were a few hotties there. The cold weather prevented too much clothing augmentation of mediocre women. (Goodness that sounds so sexist.) We had fun trying to pick out which women had fake boobs, lips, butts, etc. and who was dressed far too slutty for their age. Lots of makeup going on at a rowdy sports bar. I was not very impressed, but I know that if it had been July, things would have been better. BPS Women Scenery Grade: C+

There was the typical corny white guy DJ working in the tent that night. He was a complete idiot. He played stupid music and just made us all want to punch him in the face. He misquoted famous movie lines, at the wrong times. This was worse than the corny wedding DJ, and you know who those morons are. The BPS DJ tried to break up the uncomfortable nature of the Anti-Proposition 2 commercial by making some jokes and playing some music. Didn't work - he came off as a jackass. That guy should be shot. Beaten and shot. And then near the late innings, some fairly decent skanky women started dancing on picnic tables. This was some good pevlic dancing and girating, perhaps done by amateur night semi-pros. We were cold and a little bored during the between inning breaks and this was a welcome change. Well, Mr. No Fun Security Guy told her to get off of the table. Thanks a lot, loser. Why don't you tell the DJ to cut it out instead of drunk dancing woman? BPS Non-waitress Employees Grade: D

Some other things about this bar made it a fun and unique experience. Bacardi women were throwing out some poser-tastic skull caps that K-Fed would have been jealous of. I saw Randy Kerraker, of 1380 AM ESPN Radio fame, and he is really nice in person. We did not, however, see Mr. Hrabosky himself. There is a one-way mirror going from the men's urinals out into the women's bathroom waiting line. You can see them fixing their hair, picking their teeth, moving their bras around in this mirror - pretty high quality. The place is also a big shed. A big damned shed with sports memorobilia hanging up all over the place. The parking lot could not have been that expensive to buy and he is selling expensive beers. The Madman is making some mad green. The irreverent T-Shirts were hilarious. They were not twenty five dollars hilarious, but you got a chuckle reading them on the way into the bar. It was a pretty fun place to watch a ballgame. BPS Intangibles Grade: A-

Overall, the Ballpark Saloon got mixed marks. I am sure that place is a little more fun for the guys in the warmer months. But as far as a place to watch the ballgame, it was pretty cool. The crowd there was pumped. The beer flowed freely. The women wanted to dance filthy-style. A nice night was had by all, except the DJ, who I hope got beat up and fired after the game. Al Hrabosky's Ballpark Saloon Overall Grade: B

How you like 'em now, national media?

2006-10-27T13:00:00.000-05:00

In case you didn't know, the St. Louis Cardinals just won the World Series.

That's right, Buster Olney, Tim Kirkjuan, Peter Gammons, Bill Simmons, and every other hater sports writer out there. They won. No, I didn't think they would do it a month ago. No one did. But after a couple wins, I thought it was possible. During the NLCS, I even thought it was a good probabiltiy. I didn't hate. But we all know what you will say. The Tigers coughed it up. They are the worst champs ever. They didn't deserve it. They should not have gotten into the playoffs. Same old shit.

Here is our message to you: Suck our collective balls.

Party it up, St. Louis!

Rain-out ensures a ride home full of profanities

2006-10-25T23:06:00.000-05:00

The St. Louis Cardinals had planned on playing a little playoff baseball this evening, but Mother Nature had other plans. The cruel old hag that she is, she decided to dump a steady mist of cold, scummy rain on St. Louis over the course of the last twenty four hours. Now people in the midwest know why so many people in Seattle are depressed, pale and suicidal. Major League Baseball, working closely with the FOX television network (read: FOX is to puppeteer hand as MLB backside is to puppet opening), decided to postpone the game by a day after several painstaking hours of delays. Many fans have been sitting tirelessly in the stands, getting soaked with cold, dreary rain and while eating expensive hot dogs and drinking even more expensive beer. To some, this is an unfortunate experience that will sour the feelings of certain fans. (To me, sitting in my well-heated house, I am not so inconvenienced.)

Now that the game has been called, the multitude of hardcore fans have to trek back home in the wet, cold and crowded highways and byways. Several fans expressed their frustration with the situation. Noted one fan, "I am going to kick Bud Selig in the ass if I see him in person." Astutely observant, another attendee added, "I used to only hate FOX for paying Tim McCarver to ruin baseball broadcasts, but now I hate them for trying to squeeze in this game and only relenting after we had been sitting there for several terrible hours. I am going home to kick my dog, and possibly my children." Finally, another spectator summed up his experience with a range of colorful profanities, finally noting, "Well, at least I am all the more closer to the East Side. I may as well spend my beer money over there."

Reached for comment, MLB commissioner Bud Selig added, "This is unfortunate. But we realized that since no one outside of the midwest or Michigan was going to watch this game, no one that really mattered would be inconvenienced. No one, except of course my beloved and cherished East Coast sports reporters, without whom the nation would never know about how great the East Coast teams are. Too bad their contracts required them to attend this game. Really, I tried my best to get the Dodgers and Yankees in the World Series, but it just didn't work out. We have lost millions in advertising because of these two teams. They had to mess it all up. They have forgotten about the true meaning of baseball: advertising revenue. I am sorely disappointed in the Cardinals and the Tigers. I am considering putting them up for contraction in the offseason, I am so pissed off."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Rams hope to hold LT2 to five touchdowns

2006-10-24T13:00:00.000-05:00

The Saint Louis Rams have been preparing to face the San Diego Chargers for their first game after their bye week. After a disappointing showing against a Seattle Seahawks team that was missing their star running back, Shaun Alexander, the Rams are hoping to improve against yet another good team. The Rams managed to keep Seattle backup Maurice Morris for the most part in check against them, bucking the team trend of letting backups look like Gayle Sayers. Now the Rams are getting ready for LaDanian Tomlinson, one of the league's premier backs, as their next big challenge.

Said defensive coordinator Jim Haslett, "Oh yes, Tomlinson can play some football. He can throw, he can catch, he can run. Shit, I bet that dude can kick field goals or punt. I think that if we can keep him to less than six touchdowns on Sunday, that will be quite a coup for this defensive unit." Offensive coordinator Greg Olson noted, "If that defense gives up over thirty points to one player, I don't know about our chances at winning the game, unless the special teams or defensive side of the ball plans on scoring a few times. We aren't really an offensive-minded offensive unit. We have more of a Frank J. Selke Award style of offensive play. That's a hockey reference for you football people. Go look it up."

Tomlinson is taking the entire NFL experience all in stride. Said Tomlinson, in response to a question about whether or not we should believe the hype, "What hype? Now hype is for something that's not for real. I'm all for real!" Tomlinson was asked if he would have family and friends in the stands for the Rams game in San Diego, to which he noted, "I called my friends and asked if they would visit my distinguished ass in California. I told them that I would knock those Rams out with black Nikes on my feet!" LT2 was then asked about his career after he left the gridion, to which the suddenly uncomfortable interviewee responsed, "What am I gonna do if I can't play football? I'm not good at nothin'!"

As to the plan of attack against a much improved Rams defense, Tomlinson noted, "If the Charges wanna win, they put LT in!" Coach Haslett responded to these boastful comments from Tomlinson, noting, "Man, I wish I had that jackass on my fantasy team. He freaking kills me each year."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

My boss, the baseball fan

2006-10-23T13:00:00.001-05:00

This actually happened seconds ago:

My Boss: "Hey, you know anyone who has any extra World Series tickets?"

Me: [Laughter. No actual response.]

What? Are you serious?

Okay, let's pretend that I did know someone who had a few 'extra' World Series tickets, just sitting around the house, maybe being used as bookmarks, perhaps clipped to the fridge - whatever the case may be. Now what? What if I say, "I sure do, Boss!" Am I expected to get ahold of those tickets and hand those over at face value to be used by him and/or some clients?

What if I had some tickets myself? Would I be expected to sell them to him and/or the clients at face value? If I had tickets, and for some insane reason was not going to the game myself, I would sell them at about ten times face value and maybe make a couple mortgage payments with the proceeds.

Extra World Series tickets? Good God, man, this is St. Louis.

Interview: Kenny Rogers

2006-10-23T13:00:00.000-05:00

Since the middle of the first inning of the second game of the 2006 World Series, everyone has wanted to know what the brown substance on Kenny Rogers' pitching hand was. Some speculate that it was pine tar, while Rogers claimed it was a clump of dirt. Conspiracy theorists have irresponsibly jumped the gun and asked a series of obnoxious rhetorical questions of Rogers and his alleged cheating. While irresponsible journalism has its place, like in politics, it has no place here in the realm of sports.

Finally, after hours of speculation, Rogers has agreed to discuss the matter with Stlsports to once and for all put an end to the issue. As is usually the case, this blog has scooped the so-called insiders and the rest of the national media. A transcript of the interview follows:

Stlsports: Thanks for agreeing to meet with me, Kenny.

Kenny Rogers: No problem. I just want to clear the air once and for all.

Stlsports: So, let's just get right to it. The entire sports world wants to know: What was that substance on your pitching hand in the first inning of game two of the 2006 World Series against the Cardinals in Detroit?

Rogers: Poop.

Stlsports: Excuse me, did you say poop?

Rogers: Yes, poop.

Stlsports: Uh, would you care to elaborate?

Rogers: I mean, what else is there to say?

Stlsports: Well, I can think of a couple follow-up questions. First, how did it get there? Was it your own? If not, whose was it? Was it there intentionally? Why was it there? Did it give you a competitive advantage?

Rogers: Well, yes, it was my own.

Stlsports: And why in good God was it on your hand?

Rogers: The bathroom stall in the clubhouse was out of T.P., and the game was about to start, and so I ...

Stlsports: Wow, I think that about does it, Kenny.

Rogers: I thought you had some more questions.

Stlsports: No, really, I'm fine. Please leave and don't touch me.

Rogers: I just don't want people to think I cheated.

Stlsports: Whatever, man, just get out of my studio and don't touch anything on the way out.

Rogers: Do you want your pen back?

Stlsports: Just keep it and get out.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

NLCS Recap: My wife, the baseball fan

2006-10-20T22:37:00.000-05:00

Actual conversation my wife and I had a few moments ago:

Stlsports: I just read on ESPN.com that some of the writers don't think that the Cardinals really won the NLCS so much as the Mets lost it.

Wife: WHAT???

Stlsports: Yeah, they claim that the Cardinal pitching was mediocre, the hitting was not that great and that this matchup is a nightmare for FOX because it is such a mismatch. Basically the Mets imploded and handed the series to a wildly inferior team, in thier opinion.

Wife: "Fuck ESPN! I am cancelling your magazine subscription!"

God bless her little heart.

Lazyass takes elevator at ballgame

2006-10-20T13:00:00.001-05:00

The fabulous new Busch stadium is not just a great place to watch a ballgame. It is also a great place to see giant, glowing advertisements, a great place to sit in seats that are a couple inches smaller from side-to-side than the old Busch, and a great place to buy beer at fourty cents an ounce, plus tip. One amazing feature that is regularly overlooked by those who would praise the genius of the design of that stadium is the inclusion of many elevators throughout the facility.

According to team management, these elevators have been put in place to help the 'differently-abled' and the enfeebled make their way to and from their seats without having to trek up endless up and down ramps. Said team Czar Bill DeWitt, "These were installed to make life a little easier on our older guests or people who have trouble moving around. We want to make sure that all of our fans can have a good time."

It has been noted, however, that some people recently have been taking these elevators who do not have anything wrong with them. Some people are just lazy, while others are drunk. A significant number are fans of sizeable girth who could actually stand to do a little walking. All of these fans, who have nothing stopping them from using their two legs that God gave them to get to their seats, are clogging these elevators and preventing those who need them from using them. In response to news of this behavior, DeWitt noted, "What lazy assholes. I bet those are the same people who are parking in the handicapped spots and putting up their grandparents' handicapped tag in the rearview mirror. If I see someone doing that, I am going to punch them in the mouth."

DeWitt continued, "I hate people who are so lazy. That is just totally rediculous." DeWitt was then picked up by his personal assistant and placed in a golf cart for the ride over to his office across the stadium. Before he left, and just as the foot massage maching turned on in the golf cart, he noted, "That is the type of dishonesty and bad attitude that has no place in this ballpark."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Empty seats not a concern for Checketts

2006-10-20T13:00:00.000-05:00

The Saint Louis Blues are on the rebound. After breaking their futile string of twenty five consecutive seasons with a playoff appearance (and without an appearance in the Stanley Cup Finals), the team is trying to win back the local fan base. A few seasons ago, the labor union decided to go on strike and the owners decided to lock them out preemptively. Then the team sold off most of the good players and tanked it, coming in dead last, even behind the Blackhawks. But new ownership is here and they plan to restore the pride in Blues hockey.

Although the team reloaded with some former superstars, many of whom used to be great back in the late 1990's, the fans have not yet returned. The seating capacity at the ScottTrade/Savvis/Kiel Center is a little over twenty thousand, but less than half of that has been coming to the games. Owner Dave Checketts, reached for comment, noted, "We have been competing with Rams football and playoff Cardinal baseball. Of course we will have some empty seats here and there. Overall, I am quite pleased with the attendance."

Checketts was then asked what excuse he will use for the empty seats after the World Series has ended and on days the Rams are not playing, to which he replied, "My PR machine is working on that as we speak. Really, the economic viability of this franchise is not based solely on the ticket sales. We have concessions and luxury boxes and merchandising to make up the gap between the gate numbers and the operating expenses."

In what the team has called an unrelated move, the cost of some items have recently seen a slight uptick in cost. A twenty ounce beer that used to cost seven dollars now costs three hundred dollars. Said Checketts, "This cost increase is not due to the poor attendance and high salaries. There has been an increase in the costs of beer from the distributors that was a little unexpected and, sadly, we have to pass this on to the consumer. We decided to upgrade from Bud Light and Budweiser to bring better product than before. You would be shocked how many people are buying these new and improved beers." Gas chromatography has revealed that the beers being sold are actually Pabst and Miller High Life, to which Checketts retorted, "Your GC must be broken."

Also, replica jerseys have gone up in price from fifty dollars to nine thousand dollars. Checketts has blamed this on "a rise labor costs in Honduras and Malaysia, not on poor ticket revenues." The same can be said for the souveneir pucks going up from three dollars to eighty dollars, as well as for the posters increasing from five dollars to one hundred dollars. "That damned poster ink has gotten pricey," noted Checketts.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Tim McCarver makes non-obvious statement during broadcast

2006-10-18T13:00:00.000-05:00

Tim McCarver has been in the broadcast booth for the FOX network during the National League Championship Series, partnering with Joe Buck and Luis Gonzales. McCarver has been making some astute observations during the game that have wowed the fans and earned him the admiration of his fellow announcers. His grasp of the blatantly non-obvious is quite impressive, indeed.

For example, after the Mets fell behind by five runs early in the third game of the series, McCarver noted, "This isn't the way the Mets wanted to come out in this game." Luis Gonzales reacted by congratulating McCarver for his excellent observation. It was in fact a great observation because many teams do actually like to give up as many as a dozen runs early in playoff games on the road with the series tied so that their crushing comeback is all the more dramatic. But McCarver used his old-time baseball knowledge to bring out the true story behind the game.

In the broadcast during the late innings in the fourth game, the Mets had crushed several homeruns and gotten many hits and runs off of the weary Cardinals bullpen. This drubbing happened in just two terrible innings. During the eigth inning, McCarver added, "The Mets have hit the Cardinals bullpen well these last two innings. They really scored some runs." Joe Buck, in awe, replied, without a drop of sarcasm, "Wow, Tim! You are the greatest baseball broadcaster ever! Why do I even come into the booth? You could do this whole thing by yourself!"

McCarver, upon the Cardinals taking a three games to two lead in the series, commented to an amazed and impressed television audience, "The Mets need to win the next two games to get to the World Series."

In the same style of broadcasting as John Madden, McCarver hopes to become the same revered broadcaster as the football hall of famer. On his mentor, Tim noted, "Here is a classic Madden moment: The home team is down by three with possession of the football. Madden states, 'See, the quarterback throws the ball to the receiver and he runs into the endzone and that's a touchdown, right there. Six points. Six points gives them the lead, since they are down by three right now.' That is great stuff and I hope to live up to that standard."

[This story is a satire of public figures. But, yes, McCarver has made some very idiotic and obvious statements as a broadcaster. Just listen to him, if you can bear it, for a little while.]

Jim Leyland wishes Tony LaRussa good luck

2006-10-17T13:00:00.000-05:00

Detroit Tigers manager Jim Leyland and Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa are very good friends, often calling each other during the season to talk and discuss baseball. They have known each other for many years, and Leyland served as a special scout in the Cardinals organization up until recently when he took the helm in Detroit. In fact, LaRussa was rumored to be one of the people who highly recommended Leyland for the Tigers job.

Leyland has openly discussed how happy he would be if LaRussa's Cardinals advanced to the World Series to face his Tigers. "Yes, I would love to meet Tony in the championship," commented Leyland. "What, he has been swept in three out of his four World Series appearances? Yeah, I would love to see him in the classic against us. Plus, who the hell wants to face the Mets hitters? Good gravy! I am hoping and praying for the Redbirds to get past the Mets. Please do us a favor, St. Louis!"

Said Leyland on the excitement in the city of Detroit, "We are certainly the hot topic of conversation here in Motown. Usually it is the great basketball or hockey or the terrible football that gets the city's sports attention. I am quite pleased." Leyland went on to note, "And with a chance to win the Series, the police have been stepping up security lately, as they should. I mean, hell, this IS Detroit."

Continuing, Leyland added, "This city didn't really get a chance to riot when the Pistons won, due to the high police presence. And hockey fans aren't really rioters, at least not here in America. But baseball is somewhere in between. Maybe there will be a riot, maybe not. It is kind of exciting. And what is really interesting is that the city would probably riot in celebration if we win, and it would probably riot in anger if we lost. The police chief is really not happy with me right now. He enjoyed those hundred loss seasons."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Memo to Mets fans

2006-10-16T13:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Mets Fan,

Stlsports went to last night's bullpen beatdown in St. Louis, and it was disgusting. Not as disgusting, however, as the foul-mouthed, obnoxious Mets fans that showed up to St. Louis to root on their team, including you. A handful of these slovenly, unshaven, overweight, drunken degenerates made the trek down from New York, having taken time off from their jobs as delivery truck drivers, janitors and construction workers.

What is baseball heaven? Attending a playoff game in the beautiful new stadium in the best baseball city in the world. What is baseball hell? Sitting next to you, Mets Fan. Nothing like giving up a month of your salary for tickets and travel expenses so you can come down to another city and shout profanities from a whole new venue.

I guess the Mets fans are just sick of their team being the ugly stepsister to the Yankees. Maybe that's why they are so obnoxious. Maybe that's why they need about ten beers at the game. Sorry, Mets Fan, no Pabst or Stag on tap at Busch. Sorry, Mets Fan, no smoking cigars or stogies in the stands at Busch. Sorry, Mets Fan, no one is (probably) going to stab you or rob you on the way back to your hotel. Sorry, Mets Fan, but you have to deal with life here in the Midwest for one more night.

Hey Mets Fan, feel free to come up with a better insult than, "Hey, [Cardinal player], you suck!" It's what I heard all night. It's what I heard on each televised game from Shea. It's what everyone who has ever been to a game at that god-awful stadium has heard. "You suck!" Wow. Way to go, Mets Fan.

Feeling optomistic about tonight's game, Mets Fan? Hey, how well does Tom Glavine pitch on short rest? We could ask Leo Mazzone and Bobby Cox about that. Then what? Steve 'Batting Practice' Trachsel lined up for Game 7? Some other nobody, no-name pitcher ready for Game 6? Good luck, Mets.

Memo to Mets Fan: Shut the hell up.

How about another underdog reaching the World Series this year? How about the Mets watching the World Series from the comfort of their own homes? We can only hope.

Signed,

Cardinals Fan

Steven Jackson: I'm not that other Stephen Jackson

2006-10-13T13:00:00.000-05:00

At a recent Rams press conference, starting running back Steven Jackson was taking some tough questioning from local sports reporters. A seemingly high amount of national coverage was present for the event. Some confusion and frustration was evident on both sides as the inverview unfolded, and the transcript is reproduced below:

Steven Jackson: What's up, everybody. I assume the extra national media attention here is due to the fact that I am leading the league in all-purpose yards. Booyah!

Reporter #1: Steven, I want to address the criminal charges that were filed against you today.

Jackson: What the hell are you talking about?

Reporter #1: When you entered the not guilty plea, what was going through your mind?

Jackson: I think you are looking for someone else. I haven't been charged with any crimes and I don't have any idea what you mean. I thought we were here to talk some football! How about the Seahawks game this weekend?

Reporter #2: Steven, please don't dodge our questions. Now, about this strip club parking lot shooting, can you please tell us what you were doing with that nine millimeter gun at the club in the middle of the night?

Jackson: Oh my goodness, you are an idiot. I am not that Stephen Jackson. How could you be so stupid?

Reporter #1: So is it true, then, that you fired your pistol into the air? You know, Steven, those bullets have to come down sometime. They could have hit someone, perhaps even a child. Don't you think that was a little irresponsible?

Jackson: What's irresponsible is asking these idiotic questions of the wrong person. I spell my name with a 'v' and the other Stephen Jackson spells it with a 'ph'. I play football, and he plays basketball. I am here in St. Louis and he is in Indianapolis. Do we have that clear?

Reporter #2: The only thing that I don't have clear is why you were at this strip club in the middle of the night while armed with a pistol. I mean, what good can come from such a series of bad decisions?

Jackson: If you want to see a pistol go off, keep talking like a moron.

Reporter #1: Since the infamous brawl, why haven't you changed your poor behavior, either on or off the court?

Jackson: I play on a field, fool! Not on a damn basketball court? Now I better start hearing some questions about the suspect Seahawks defensive line I plan on running through this weekend, or this interview is going to turn ugly!

Reporter #3: So are you saying that you plan on shooting at or fighting with members of this 'defensive line' you are speaking of?

Jackson: That's it! [Screaming noises.]

Jackson went on to "beat some ignorant reporter ass" and repeatedly noted, "If you talk like a bitch, you are going to get slapped like a bitch." Rams officials have been slow to respond to this incident and Coach Linehan has scheduled a March 2007 press conference to discuss the matter.

[This story is a satire of public figures. None of this happened. Duh!]

Interview: Pronger and McGwire

2006-10-12T13:00:00.000-05:00

Saint Louis has seen its fair share of sports superstars come and go. Usually these superstars are run out of town by us slick small towners who desire a hard-nosed work ethic for minimal compensation. The high profile me-first attitude of typical pro sports stars doesn't fly well here, and thus many greedy media hogs and shameless self-promoters are shown the proverbial door. Players such as Kurt Warner, Jerome Bettis, Brendan Shanahan and Willie McGee who were always talking about themselves and making others feel like fools had short life spans here.

Two more similar players are Chris Pronger and Mark McGwire. Pronger spent several seasons here playing defense for the Blues, amassing a Norris Trophy [translation = top defensive player] and a Hart Trophy [translation = most valuable player], and managed to lead the Blues to the playoffs each season. Most intelligent people consider Pronger, however, the reason that the team has never won a Stanley Cup, despite a string of a quarter century of playoff appearances, dating to Pronger's childhood. McGwire simply saved baseball while wearing a Cardinals uniform. Years after allegedly letting Jose Canseco stick at the very least some needles in his butt in bathroom stalls, his alleged supplement-fueled tirade against the American baseball created an aura of back acne and fame that he has been hiding from for years.

Pronger now plays for the Los Angeles Mighty Ducks of Anaheim of Disney and McGwire now plays golf, while also living reclusively in Anaheim. The two are neighbors and close friends. In fact, it is rumored that the reason Pronger now wears 25 on his jersey is in honor of McGwire. The two recently had an interview on ESPN about their time in St. Louis, and a transcript is excerpted below:

Chris Berman: Thanks for joining me today, fellas!

McGwire: No problem, Boomer.

Pronger: Sure thing.

Berman: So you guys played in St. Louis at the same time. Mark with the Redbirds and Chris with the Blues. How did you enjoy your time there?

McGwire: I'm not here to talk about my time in St. Louis

Pronger: I'm pretty sure that's exactly why we are doing the inverview, Mark.

Berman: Yeah. You told me you would come down here and discuss it.

McGwire: Listen, I am willing to become a spokesman for the St. Louis tourism group or something and help people understand what a great place it is, but my past in St. Louis is really not why I am here.

Pronger: Whatever, man. The thing I remember most from my time in St. Louis is how weird the water tasted. Really strange. Which river did they dredge to get that tap water from? Blech. I cringe thinking about it.

Berman: That's it? How the water tasted? How about you, Mark?

McGwire: You know, the water taste I could deal with. It was that funky smell whenever the wind blew from the west. I don't know what they have out there, if it is a hog rendering plant or fifty thousand chicken coops or what, but it stunk quite often in the city. And not just at the stadium, but all over the place. The people there are all used to it, but it is really strange to me. I hated it.

Pronger: Yeah, I almost forgot about that smell. That was awful. And the roads sucked. Oh, and you don't want to forget about the crime. Gotta love the crime. You know, in Canada, we don't have crime. None.

Berman: Maybe my question was too vague. Let's focus on the time with your respective teams.

McGwire: Well I remember getting pulled from my last at bat to be pinch hit for by Kerry Robinson. I certainly remember that bullshit. That dude was skinnier than one of my legs ... and that's before I began legally using non-banned substances! What a way to end my career. I might as well have ended my career by letting a home run bounce off of my head. Or maybe by having my pants fall down while I ran out a ground ball to first base. Far less humiliating than to be pinch hit for by Kerry Frickin Robinson.

Pronger: I remember losing each year. Lots of losing in the post-season. Sure, we played some kick assed regular season games. But those playoffs were a different story. to end each and every season with a crushing loss, that just stunk. I would have hated to have been a fan. Whew, am I glad that nightmare is over.

Berman: So, in retrospect, if I have this correctly, you guys have mixed feelings about your playing days there?

McGwire: If by mixed feelings, you mean, I don't want to talk about it or return to that city, then yes I have mixed feelings.

Pronger: Ditto that.

Berman: But now you are both close friends in Anaheim, correct? What's that like?

McGwire: I go to the Ducks games and support Chris. I have a lot to learn about hockey. Did you know they play it on ice?

Berman: Yeah, I heard that. How about you, Chris?

McGwire: My goodness, those wacky Canadians! What a game to invent. Well when your whole country is all made of ice, what are you going to do?

Pronger: You know, Mark, Canada isn't really just made of ice. We have rocky mountains, just like America. We have forests and lakes and rivers, just like America. It can get hot in Canada from time to time.

McGwire: Excuse me, Chris, but I think I know a little something about geography.

Pronger: Have you ever been to Canada?

McGwire: I have a supplement guy up there. Apparently he can only sell his stuff in Canada. Don't know why that is. Those wacky northerners and their crazy health supplements! I love that crazy country!

Pronger: Perhaps I should rethink this friendship, as it seems you don't respect my country.

McGwire: You mean 'The 51st State'?

Berman: Gentemen, I think we got a little off topic here. Let's end it there! Thanks for coming!

[This story is a satire of public figures and of course this interview never really happened. Wow this is long.]

[Oh, and kiss my butt, Canada!]

Commentary: Reaction to tonight's episode of 'Lost'

2006-10-11T13:00:00.000-05:00

Tonight's episode of Lost on ABC featured, as usual, some strange twists and turns. I don't usually watch much else on television besides sports, but the wife likes Lost, so I entertain her addiction by indulging in this program with her every Wednesday night. I don't like her other favorite shows, such as the reprehensable America's Next Top Model, featuring the talentless sponge and worst actress/personality ever, Tyra Banks, which is a show that makes me want to stab myself in the face.

But I digress ...

The Lost episode this evening concluded with [Warning - Plot Line Disclosure] the creepy guy who is apparently in charge of the Others revealing to Jack that the Others do in fact have some contact with the outside world beyond the island. What does he use to prove his point? What piece of evidence is shown to Jack? How could you convince this distrusting hostage of the truth of your statements?

I know, let's show footage of the Cardinals getting swept in the World Series by the Red Sox. Well that sounds great, Others leader. I really appreciate it. ABC, how thoughtful. Just when I was beginning to forget about that nightmare, and after the Fever Pitch movie and Bill Simmons' book and Peter Gammons' constant gushing, you go and show the footage again.

Hey, ABC, I tripped the other day and cut my leg. It still hurts and there is a little bit of an open wound under the band-aid. Would you like to come over and rub some salt in it? You would? Great.

Now there is only one plot line in Lost that will satisfy me. It involves Jack, who admits that he hates the damned Red Sox, shoving that casette tape up the Others guy's ass. I don't even care if Jack does it because he loves the Yankees, but I have about had it with America's love affair with the Red Sox. Wow, they won. Let's move on. MoveOn.org needs to pick this cause up and run with it. Lets all move on. No more Red Sox. Say it all together: No More Red Sox.

Sigh. Thanks.

Howard Balzer named most attractive St. Louis sports radio personality

2006-10-10T13:00:00.000-05:00

In a recent poll by St. Louis sports radio fans, Howard Balzer was named the Most Attractive Sports Radio Personality. Balzer is featured prominently on the ESPN 1380 AM radio station, particularly in the mid-morning hours. Any local on-air personality was included in the pool of people eligibe to receive votes, and Balzer was overwhelmingly selected by the fans. While this might seem like a glorios honor, Balzer is not exactly thrilled with the outcome.

When asked about the award, he commented, "Winning this award is not as great as you might think. Most people who go into radio as opposed to television do so because the camera lenses are, oh, let's just say, not so kind to them. Did you see the other people on this ballot? Jeff Gordon, Bernie Miklasz, Kevin Slaten, John Hadley and the list goes on. Good gravy. I mean, winning this is like being named Worlds Sexiest Octagenarian. Not a ton of good choices here."

Balzer continued, "And who came up with the idea for this stupid poll? Honestly, aren't there other things to talk about in St. Louis? How about the election in less than a month? Maybe some playoff baseball? Why are we doing a poll about radio personalities? This is really obnoxious. Not John Hadley obnoxious, but obnoxious nonetheless. That Hadley guy, whoo, don't get me started on him. At least I didn't lose to him in this poll. Talk about no-talent. What a complete ... But I digress. So let's not waste our time on stuff like this in the future, okay, St. Louis?"

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Fantasy football hurting online pornographers

2006-10-09T13:00:00.001-05:00

As a famous national social commentator once noted, "The internet is good for three things: Looking stuff up, email and porn." This had been the law of the land until recently when pornographic websites began to lose their grip on the stranglehold of internet traffic to online fantasy sports. Several local adult smut purveyors have been feeling the pinch due to the large influx of non-porn related traffic on fantasy sports webpages. This has meant a decrease in business for some while other have reaped a huge benefit.

Reached for comment, local internet porno kingpin Roscoe Johnson noted, "We used to get a great deal of internet traffic from the hometown St. Louis crowd, but this fantasy football stuff has really cut into our bottom line. Nowadays people are logging on to their computers to get fantasy football stats instead of porn. I was so used to having thousands of hits on my dirty-assed webpages on Sundays, but no more. Sundays have gone from our best days to our worst." Sadly, too many fine reputable local internet small businesses have been feeeling the pinch with the growth of the fantasy sports industry. "It seems like no one has time for porno anymore, thanks to damned football," added Johnson.

The internet adult websites used to look at Sundays as their best opportunity to make money. Studies have shown that people would use pornography to help themselves forget about the 'preachy' lessons imposed upon them at church or some similar service.

Johnson continued, "It just seems like there is no place in the hearts and minds of so many when it comes to smut. Damned, you, pro football." On the upside, having a pro football team, and therefore pro football players, in town has helped out the local pornography retailers and the local adult dancing industry.

[This story is a satire. Similarities to persons living or dead is coincidental.]

"Lambeau Leap" not satisfying for Rams players

2006-10-09T13:00:00.000-05:00

If there is a shrine to football, it is in Green Bay, Wisconsin at beautiful Lambeau Field. That's of course if you don't count the actual NFL-approved shrine to football in Canton, Ohio, but for the purposes of this article, Lambeau Field is it. Lambeau Field has housed some of the greatest teams in professional football history, including several Super Bowl winners. The Lombardi Trophy, given to the Super Bowl winner, is named after a Green Bay packer coach. Needless to say, there is a bunch of rich history in Green Bay.

One great tradition is for a player who scores a touchdown to leap into the stands at Lambeau to be greeted by the fans. This move has come to be known by the creative name 'The Lambeau Leap.' It is known by all and revered by the fans.

During last weekend's game against the Green Bay Packers, the hometown Rams managed to steal an important road win against a struggling team. Torry Holt, the Rams' top wide receiver, scored a crucial touchdown in the first half to help propel the team to victory. After scoring, Torry decided to try the Lambeau Leap. What happened next was less than pleasant, according to Holt.

Torry noted on his first ever Leap, "I jumped up into the stands and instead of getting patted on the back, these people were pinching me and poking me in the eyes. I think I also got stabbed in the ribs with a pocket knife or something." When told that the Leap was typically reserved for home team players, Holt commented, "Well, I know that now, but I have always thought it looked like fun. That still doesn't excuse the stabbing. Or the fact that someone poured a beer down the back of my pants and left the bottle in there. Someonel also put some poison ivy leaves up my shirt. Who the hell comes to a football game with a potpourri bag of poison ivy?"

When asked if he would be doing the Lambeau Leap again in future games, Holt added, "No I don't think so. Next time I score a touchdown I am going to do something else, like maybe pretend to moon the fans in those end zone seats. That will be much more satisfying."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Special Sunday Night Edition: Cardinals advance to NLCS!

2006-10-08T13:00:00.000-05:00

In a stunning turn of events, the St. Louis Cardinals baseball squadron has advanced to the National League Championship Series for the twentieth time in the last ten years, certainly setting some kind of record. Another record setting performance came earlier this evening when I drank about twenty beers in the course of four hours. Needless to say, I am feeling pretty damned good. Or maybe it's pretty damned bad. Either way, too bad I don't live close enough to the eight hundred million dollar Metrolink extension to take it downtown to celebrate before work tomorrow.

The Cards relied upon timely hitting from Juan "Strikeout" Encarnacion, who somehow managed to hit with runners in scoring position. He has not gotten a hit with runners in scoring position since the 2003 World Series run with the Marlins. Amazing. And Chris Carpenter pitched so well that I am going to vote 'yes' on Proposition 2 in Missouri next month so that we can legally clone him with taxpayer money. That way he can pitch each game of the 2007 LCS (thanks to rapid growth technology) and ensure some big wins next fall.

God bless you, Albert Pujos. If I were you, I would go up to the announcer box and tell Tim 'Idiot' McCarver to shut the hell up. He called you 'Prince Albert' about fifty times during the course of the game. Go ahead, loyal readers, and google Prince Albert. [Editor's next-day note: Don't perform this search at work. Most certainly NSFW.] Tell me what sort of pictures are on the websites you see in the search results. Not so flattering. Stick with El Hombre and not with Painful Male Piercing.

On to the NLCS against a much more talented Mets team. This is a rematch of the 2000 NLCS. But, sorry, New York, you don't have Benny Agbayani on this team! You are sure to lose this series, you pond scum assbags!

Good luck, Redbirds. I think I need to go to the restroom now, whereupon I might become involuntarily ill. Thanks for a great season to this point!

Marquis looking forward to watching playoffs in person

2006-10-06T13:00:00.000-05:00

Jason Marquis, starting pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals, was selected by manager Tony LaRussa for the post-season roster, to the surprise of many. Fans and media alike were convinced that Anthony Reyes, the promising rookie, would be the final pitcher on the roster in place of Marquis. Baffled by the move, LaRussa has been fielding relentless questions from reporters who are trying to figure out the logic of this move. Regardless of the criticism, Marquis is taking it all in stride and is looking forward to being a part of the playoffs.

"I was planning on spending my time watching the playoffs from the comfort of my own home, where I have a large leather recliner and a kickass television, paid for by my rediculously high salary. But Tony wanted to make sure that I would be able to see the team perform in person, and I really appreciate that." When asked if he thought he would see any playing time in the playoffs, Marquis responded, "Not if they want to win the series."

Manager Tony LaRussa, reached for comment, noted, "Rather than giving Jason the time off and letting him relax at home, he has to suffer the indignity of watching the games in person. No way in hell he pitches, or bats or pinch-runs. That guy is keeping the end of the bench nice and warm for the real players. Each day, he will get dressed knowing he will not be playing. That's punishment."

Lost in this odd form of revenge by LaRussa is the omission of promising pitcher Anthony Reyes from the postseason roster. LaRussa added, "We certainly didn't need him for the postseason, what with our glut of stellar starting pitching. I think we can definitely contend for the title. As long as the Padres and Mets and the American League champion get the flu, that is. We had the spare roster spot for Jason to be a part of my ironic roster. I am truly the master of the mind games."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Possible MLS team names revealed

2006-10-05T22:20:00.000-05:00

The expansion group looking to bring Major League Soccer to Saint Louis has recently announced the possible team names for the new franchise. A list of names has been submitted for public review and a vote will take place later this year to determine the new team moniker. However, the names has been met with little fanfare and have not created the media buzz that the expansion group was hoping for.

Currently there is a rule that professional sports team names cannot be duplicative, like the Giants (of football and baseball), Cardinals (of football and baseball), or the Rangers (of baseball and hockey). This federal regulation came into effect in the early 1990's after confusion arose amongst fans regarding the two Cardinals teams. Older teams, like those already mentioned, have been grandfathered in, but new teams or relocating teams must make the change. This regulation includes all pro sports teams, including bowling, badminton, and women's football.

Hence, when the Winnipeg Jets moved to Phoenix, they had to become the Coyotes, when the Cleveland Browns moved to Baltimore, they changed their name to the Ravens, and when the Houston Oilers moved to Nashville, they were the Titans. Since most of the good names are taken, only a few remain available. Many leagues in many sports have take up the better team names. This has left the MLS expansion group with little options. A fan poll has been planned to help select the name.

The options for the fan voting are: The St. Louis Grave Robbers, The Missouri Gropers, The Midwest Hobos, The St. Louis Skidmarkers, The St. Louis Geriatrics, and the River City Open Sores. Potential fans have been less than enthusiastic about the opportunity to select the name. Reached for comment, potential fan Roscoe Johnson asked, "Are these it? Those are terrible. Jeez, why not add the 'Sweaty Vaginas' to the list?" It was then explained to Mr. Johnson that the Sweaty Vaginas is a women's rugby team in Vermont, to which he replied, "Oh, I guess all of the other good names are actually taken. I had no idea. Well then I guess it's time to buy my Hobo jersey, since that's who I am voting for."

As to the stadium naming rights, few groups have shown interest. The three organizations considering using the stadium as a twenty year billboard are Planned Parenthood, the local white supremacist church, and Tampax. The expansion group has subsequently lowered its asking price in the hopes of soliciting additonal naming rights bids from other companies or groups, but to no avail.

Through all of this controversy, Mayor Francis Slay, a self-proclaimer soccer lover and selfless promoter of all things St. Louis, noted, "This is going great! We have a real buzz around the city. People are talking about MLS soccer. So maybe the team name will be mildly offensive. So maybe the stadium name will be wildly offensive. At least the product we put on the field will be great. We are planning a beautiful stadium up north of the downtown area right now. Can't you see the progress we are making? This is going to help the city turn the corner. The fans will come. I promise you, the fans will come."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Mizzou football players no longer booed in class

2006-10-04T13:00:00.000-05:00

The University of Missouri football team is off to their best start in twenty five years, having won their first five games. This has garnered the team a great deal of positive media coverage, both across the state and on a national scale. The Tigers have cracked both the Associated Press and the coaches' top twenty five poll as well. For the first time in a long time the players and coaches are not only gettting respect on campus, but the the students are finally being treated like common human beings instead of lepers.

Head coach Larry Pinkel, commenting on the sucess, asked, "Who cares if they have played fairly weak nonconference opponents to-date? I am proud of our guys that for once we haven't choked a game or two away early on in the season. Sure, I expect us to get our asses handed to us against Nebraska, Oklahoma, probably Texas Tech and maybe one more opponent, but we have played well to this point. Oh yeah, we will probably lose to Kansas, as well. Anyway, all I am saying is we are playing well as a team and as a result we are getting good treatment on campus."

For the first time in his tenure with the team, Pinkel's car has not yet been vandalized by football fans this late in the season. In years past, his car has been flipped over, pushed into a lake, set on fire and grafittied in about thirty different ways. But with how the team is playing, no such behavior. Yet.

Team quarterback Chase Daniel, reached for comment, noted, "Previously, key players have had a hard time in class. I remember last year Brad Smith would get booed outside of the games," referring to last season's starting quarterback. "One professor actually booed him in class and heckled him during a test. I guess he lost some money on those games. Well we have all lost money betting on Mizzou, haven't we? That professor has not been fired, to my knowledge. I think he is the pep team faculty sponsor, actually."

Daniel continued, "I used to worry that the cafeteria ladies were poisoning my food with some kind of laxative or something like that after a bad game. But since we haven't had our bad games yet this year, I have been able to eat without reservation. Now, once we start racking up bad losses, that is another story. It just feels good to get that winning out of the way in the first half of the season. I am looking forward to whatever crappy bowl we wind up in again this season once we finish 7-5 after conference play."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Little feels Haynesworth sets bad example

2006-10-03T13:00:00.000-05:00

Tennessee Titans defensive tackle Ablert Haynesworth was suspended yesterday for five games for stomping on the unhelmeted head of opposing lineman Andre Gurode, leading to cries of outrage from many fans. Some thought the punishment should be stiffer and many are using this single act as an example of the brutal nature of professional football in America. A few are even calling for criminal charges to be filed, given the seriousness of the injury to Gurode. The Haynesworth incident is resonating here in St. Louis, where some members of the Rams have been asked to comment on what type of example this sets for children and fans.

When asked about the Haynesworth head stomping, Leonard Little noted, "That just shows a lack of personal responsibility. It is important to admit when you are wrong and suffer the consequences, especially when you hurt someone like that. He could have been killed! The law should act swiftly and hand out a more serious punishment. And if he should have the audacity to get caught doing something as criminal as this a second time, even if no one gets hurt, they should throw the book at him. Second time repeat offenders are the worst. No fancy lawyers. No loopholes. No challenging evidence. If you do it a second time, you should be out of the league. Football players today show a complete disregard for the law and a lack of personal responsibility and it disgusts me to no end."

Moe Williams, a recent addition to the team, when asked about the incident, replied "This is the type of behavior that gives NFL players a bad name. I particularly hate hearing about players misbehaving. Sometimes I get so upset about it, I write my feelings down in a journal. I also really dislike it when players disprespect women. Is there anything more shameless than objectifying women? I think not. It is important for NFL players to lead by example, not to misbehave and create public distrust of the game and its team members."

A question arose about differentiating between misbehavior on the field as opposed to misbehavior off of the field. Little noted, "Off the field? That is a different story. That shit's nobody's business." Williams, in the room at the time, commented, "Word to that. Nobody's business."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

LaRussa has big fishing trip set for next week

2006-10-02T13:00:00.000-05:00

Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa has his annual fishing trip into Canada all planned out, and he is taking good friend and currently unemployed manager Dusty Baker with him. The pair are set to leave town next Monday morning and be gone for three weeks into the fine trout fishing that Canada has to offer. Some fans are concerned with the timing of the trip, as a potential game five to the National League Divisional Series against the Padres is set to be played in San Diego that day, if necessary. Brashly brushing off such criticism, LaRussa refuses to change his plans again.

LaRussa noted that this trip has "already been delayed after we went ass-backwards into the playoffs. Dusty and I have had this set up since the preseason, but things have been shaken up by this club's resiliancy. It really is a testament to third base coach Jose Oquendo. Not so much to me. I pretty much spend my time scowling at players, fans, umps, other managers, et cetera, and not so much time interacting with or motivating the players. I leave that lowly shit for 'The Secret Weapon.'"

When asked why in the world he would set up a fishing trip for right after the conclusion of the regular season when his team had been to five out of the previous six playoffs, LaRussa quipped, "I had no idea we would ever get into the playoffs. We didn't really make a splash in the free agent pool. I mean, Aaron Miles? Come on, seriously. No, Dusty and I were pretty sure this trip would go as planned. But now I have to put it on hold a few more days." It was then pointed out to LaRussa that anything can happen in the playoffs and that everyone's record is 0-0 and that crazier things have happened. Bluntly, LaRussa noted, "If we win three games against San Diego, I'll bend over and kiss my own ass. Now leave me alone, I have plane reservations to change. You know that costs money the longer you wait, so please get out of my office."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Trent Green: I can travel through time

2006-09-30T13:00:00.000-05:00

Trent Green, the Kansas City Chiefs quaterback and St. Louis native (poor guy went to Vianney), suffered a concussion on a late cheap-shot Romanowski-esque hit in the first game of the season, and has not returned to the field since. His injury was serious, and the expected return date has been pushed back several times. Sadly, his mind seems to be failing him as a result of the injury, as was evident in a recent ESPN interview, excerpted below. Given the serious nature of the injury, only time will tell when Green will be able to return to the game.

Stuart Scott: Glad you could make it here tonight with us, Trent.

Trent Green: Sure, Stu. Anything for you.

Scott: You really got one in the head pretty hard. How are you feeling since you took that terrible hit?

Green: It has been a rough few months.

Scott: Trent, you only got hit two weeks ago.

Green: Yes, in your time. But, you see, I was hit so hard that I travelled through time.

Scott: You travelled through time? That's crazier than the other side of the pillow!

Green: Here is what happened - I was instantly transported to medieval Japan at the time of the hit. Once there I befriended a young child named Yoshi. Together we trained in the martial arts and went into battle against the evil samurai overlord. Thankfully, we were successful and I came back here to our time after many months. So it seemed like I was only out of it for a few minutes on the field, but that was months to me.

Scott: Booyah, Trent! Now, what kind of drugs do they have you on, because they sound excellent.

Green: You don't believe me?

Scott: No, I am afraid not. Now, again, what do they have you taking? Please be sure to spell it, since those drug names can be tricky.

Green: I'm sorry you don't believe my story.

Scott: Okay, fine. On to other topics. When do you expect to be back on the field?

Green: Well, I saw a football game on television last week and it was so traumatic that I soiled myself, if that's any indication.

Scott: Booyah! You're not the only Kansas City player who soils himself, am I right? Can I get some names? I have heard rumors.

Green: I promised Kennison I wouldn't talk about this in public.

Scott: That's fair. Fairer than the other side of the pillow. Booyah! Any other news?

Green: Not really, Steve. Well, I must say, this really has been a lovely dinner. Do you think grandpa will care that we borrowed the car?

Scott: Uh.

Green: Oh nevermind, Dave. I have to get going now, since the big speech meet is this weekend. Go Whitefish!

Scott: Okay! Thanks for coming down here, Trent.

Green: Who?

We'll all be hoping for a swift, recovery, Trent. Good luck. And be sure to return grandpa's car with a full tank of gas.

[This story is a satire of puclic figures and a ripoff of TMNT3.]

Pornographic magazine found in Rams locker room

2006-09-29T13:00:00.000-05:00

Stunning developments have emerged from the Rams practice facility in Earth City, where reports are circulating that allegedly pornographic materials were discovered in the team locker room. As shocking as this may be, the team public relations machine is working hard to spin this incident. Ownership has promised swift action against the perpetrators. One question remains: Who would have the audacity to bring pornography into a professional football team locker room?

A part time janitor stumbled upon the filth while cleaning up the locker room while the team was out on the practice field. Apparently, as the story goes, a magazine was left open on one of the benches in front of some lockers. On the opened pages was a series of images that would make sailors blush and Ron Jeremy expectorate. Reached for comment, the janitor opined, "I didn't know that could be turned inside out like that. I have decided to swear off women, having seen that magazine. I'm off to Vermont or San Francisco."

Team president John Shaw, clearly outraged at the incident, noted "This cannot stand. I have to put up with a ton of crap in a pro football locker room. Drugs, dope, gambling, cockfights, steroids, stealing, wet willies, towel whippings, strippers and hookers. But porno in magazine form? That is the last straw. Our janitor had to quit his job. I hear that he is scarred for life now." It was then explained that the team management would be searching the locker room for additional smut in an effort to rid the team facilities of such material.

Once all of the pornography had been rounded up through a complete search of the premises, forty five black trash bags of magazines and videos were recovered as contraband. A public burning of this material had been planned, but after a plea from local civic leaders, it was donated to charity by the team as a part of its annual giving to the community.

The team wants the public to understand that sex and professional sports do not mix. "I think we are sending the right message here," added Shaw. "Now, if you will excuse me, I am off to a meeting to discuss removing a percentage of the fabric from the cheerleader uniforms. And we will also be discussing the cheerleader swimsuit calendars."

[This story is a satire of public figures, but based on a story relayed to me. Thanks KPN and WBR.]

Special Edition: Rejected Sports Headlines [Part 3]

2006-09-28T13:00:00.001-05:00

Yet another installment of terrible sports headlines that you have been spared from reading in their entirety:

ScottTrade narrowly outbids Tampax for arena naming rights [Really, the only joke is the headline. I wrote the headline and then blanked out on the story. Why? Because that is the whole dumb joke.]

Ugly woman infiltrates [pro team] post game party [Having never been to one, I don't know what happens there, but it has to be full of beautiful women, or at least I hope so. Anyway, here is one that I started to write and it was just terrible.]

So Taguchi inadvertedly screams 'Bukake!" to celebrate home run [No, I won't tell you what this means. This story would have been rated X.]

Local champion involved in corked bocce ball scandal [Not much to this one. I started this one and focused too much on how a corked bocce ball would give an advantage to the user, but I don't understand the game, so I let this one go.]

Cheerleader: I'm more than just boobies [I saw a real story on this somewhere once and it was so rediculous that I wanted to lampoon it. Once in draft, however, it turned into a fairly degrading exercise. Unproud of myself, it wound up here instead.]

Teenage Rams fans: Where are our freaky, lesbian cheerleaders? [Someone else suggested this one to me. I imagine that adult Rams fans also have this question. But the gag is a year too late.]

Unwitting fantasy footballer opens league message board post entitled NSFW, while at work [This has happened to almost everyone, or at least to someone you know.]

Surplus of [bad/mediocre player] jerseys hurting local retailers [Really nowhere to go with this that is remotely funny. Half of the Cardinals and most of the Blues fit in this one.]

[Player's] intimate hair removal surgery goes terribly awry [Tried to write this and hated it.]

The Golden Brett likes Golden Showers [Submitted by a reader - truly disgusting. Thanks, though, KPN.]

[These stories would have been satires of public figures.]

Rams hurting compulsive gamblers

2006-09-28T13:00:00.000-05:00

The Rams have had a surprising season to-date. They beat the Denver Broncos in an unexpected upset in the home opener. They managed to throw away a game against the sad sack San Francisco 49ers. Then just last Sunday they fumbled away and then recovered the other team's fumble away of a win against the tranplant Arizona Cardinals. In each instance, the Rams have performed contrary to the gambling lines and, as a result, local compulsive gamblers have been hurting.

Against the Broncos, the Rams were the underdog. Anyone with any sense had their money on the Broncos, but the Rams came out on top. The Rams were favored in 'Frisco, but lost anyway. The Rams were also favored against the Cardinals, but only won by two, failing to cover the spread. These three disasterous performances have left broken dreams and broken kneecaps across the St. Louis area.

Reached for comment, team president John Shaw explained, "We have had a pleasant series of games to this point, but I see room for improvement. We could very easily be 3-0 or, conversely, 0-3. So we need to clean up our act and get some scoring drives together." When asked specifically about the gamblers, Shaw noted, "Yes, we have gotten some abusive phone calls from fans who lost money. Everyone wants to know something inside about the team to help them make bets. But frankly this team is not about betting. I bet we've gotten two dozen calls on this since this morning."

Degenerate junky gambler Roscoe Johnson added, "I have been suffering lately. I can't unload these hawked Blues tickets. I can't sell these stolen Jeff Weaver replica jerseys. And I had my legs broken because I keep betting on the Rams. I am about 50 G's in the hole right now and the only way out is to bet some more. Hey, by the way, who do you like in the Rams/Lions game? The Rams are favored by 3. I need this one bad."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Post-season collapse moved up a couple weeks

2006-09-27T13:00:00.000-05:00

The Redbirds have been stinking up the baseball diamond lately. Stinking it up to the tune of seven straight losses. In contrast, the not-quite-mathematically-eliminated Houston Astros have won seven in a row. Most people, when putting the two together, see a problem for the Cardinals. Team ownership and management insists that there is nothing to worry about and that the team has simply moved its planned October collapse into late September.

Reached for comment, team owner Bill DeQuit noted that, "There are still some things that need to get done around the stadium. You know, we have many improvements to make and other things to get done. For example, I would like to break ground on the ballpark village sooner than later. We can't very well do that during the season, and if we wait too long the ground gets too cold and hard. It makes economic sense to end the season next week rather than a few weeks from now. It's not like we were contending for a ring or anything."

Manager Tony LaRussa, during the course of this losing streak, as well as during the course of this up and down season, has been making some 'questionable' decisions. For example, he has played members of the team needlessly through nagging injuries, and now that personnel is not available for the final stretch run towards October. LaRussa has also inexplicably played Aaron Miles at shortstop, when Fredbird, a better contact hitter and defensive player, has watched from the sidelines. In fact, a blindfolded monkey with a glove on his tail is a better defensive player than half of the team right now. Tony has also refused to play small ball, often quoting his favorite manager, himself, noting that "small ball is for the small minded."

Still, the team clings to a film-thin lead of one and a half games. Hopefully the Cardinals can put a couple of wins together and proudly represent the National League Central Division by getting swept in October, instead of September.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Brett Hull retirement ceremony eagerly awaited

2006-09-26T13:00:00.000-05:00

Team officials recently announced that Brett Hull, the once great forward of the St. Louis Blues hockey club, would have his jersey retired in an early December 2006 ceremony before a game against the Red Wings. Hull won a Hart Trophy (translate: MVP award) while with the Blues, and holds several scoring records with the team, including most goals by a Blues player in a season and most by an NHL right winger in a season. He also holds team records in career hat tricks and goals. Finally the team and city will recognize this great player.

When asked about the event, Hull noted that, "The retirement ceremony will probably be the highlight of my day. I mean, I could have a really good lunch that day, but I guess the number retiring will be the best thing to happen to me that day. It's kind of ironic that they are doing it in a game against the Red Wings. Ironic because I won a Stanley Cup with the Wings. Remember me, St. Louis? The guy who could never be on a cup winner? Yeah, I've got two rings. What? What? Didn't think so."

Rumors circulated that Hull was bitter about the discourteous treatment that he received when he was run out of town on a rail in the late 1990's and that he would be reluctant to come back for a number retirement. The team, in an effort to counter the fan alientation of that era have also decided to name a series of urinals after 'Iron' Mike Keenan.

Team owner Dave Cheketts, reached for comment, stated, "We barely had to talk Brett into coming back for this distinguished honor. I mean, yeah, we had to promise to give him a car, a Rolex, some money, a share in the team, a vacation, a house, a boat, some more money and a share in replica jersey sales, but he really wanted to be a part of this event. It is a great moment in St. Louis Blues history. In fact, we approached him about playing this season. No, I'm not joking. Since we are assembling a team of overpaid has-beens, Hull would fit right in here. But, after ten minutes of laughter over the phone, he graciously declined."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Rams still happy to be rid of Bettis

2006-09-25T13:00:00.001-05:00

Jerome Bettis, commonly referred to by his nickname "The Bus", finally won a Super Bowl championship with the Pittsburgh Steelers this past season, while playing in his hometown of Detroit. He is revered by his fans and the majority of the media, and after compiling an impressive array of statistics, is certain to be bound for the Hall of Fame in Canton.

Bettis is also known for being generous with his money and with his time, and he is considered one of the 'good guys' in the game. Now a fixture of NBC's Sunday Night Football broadcast, he continuously promotes the game and the Steelers in particular. However, many members of the St. Louis Rams organization stand stubbornly by their original position: We're glad that we ran Bettis out of town.

When approached about the Bettis situation, in hindsight, team officials have not changed their viewpoints. Said team president John Shaw, "Oh, yeah he was a negative influence. Contstantly distracting players from their jobs. For example, he kept trying to get people to go to charity events with him. Come on, what a headache. Focus on football, Bettis."

Former team member Isaac Bruce had similar reservations, "Bettis wanted us to spend time in the community that could be otherwise spent playing football, going to clubs or spending the wildly lavish amounts of money that we get paid. He kept saying that we could get more out of life. Bettis was always wanting more, like most greedy football players."

Former Ram Tony 'Skillet Hands' Banks was particularly hard on Bettis, recalling that "he never wanted to come with us to the East Side and spend some bills. I mean, what the hell else do pro football players do with their freetime as a group but watch trim dance in Illinois? Talk about a guy who isn't a team player."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Edmonds has 'big plans' for contract buyout money

2006-09-25T13:00:00.000-05:00

Jim Edmonds has been patrolling center field for almost a decade in St. Louis, and he is the senior-most member of the team (no pun intended). Since sending at-the-time future hall of famer Kent Bottenfield and limpwristed Adam Kennedy to Anaheim for Jimmy Ballgame, the team has seen unprecedented regular season success. While this regular season success has not necessarily translated into post season success, the fans like Edmonds nonetheless. However, Edmonds is getting older and his body is beginning to fail him, particularly when he is playing baseball professionally.

Although he is under contract next season for over ten million dollars, the team has a buyout option for three million dollars. This means that the team can pay three million dollars to get out of the contract and it seems more and more likely that this will be what happens.

On the topic of paying Edmonds eight figures to play or three million to go away, said team owner Bill DeWitt, "I got bills to pay. Maybe we can pay him off, I mean buy out his contract, and bring him back for a nominal salary. But honestly I have more to worry about that bringing back a fan favorite. Do you know how expensive Persian leather is for the owners boxes? And don't even get me started on the chinchilla coasters. Or the baby seal mini-fridge covers. Whew, it takes a lot of hard work and tough decisions to run a ballclub. Sorry, Jimmy."

"I understand that some people don't like the buyout," noted DeWitt. "When you buy out a contract, you are saying that you would rather pay someone millions to go away than have him stay and play for you. Most people get upset, but not old JImmy."

Reached for comment, Edmonds noted, "I have some big plans for that buyout money," indicating that it was pretty much a foregone conclusion that he would not be back next season. "I thought that I might get that new hip and shoulder that I have been hankering for. Perhaps I could open a disco out in Anaheim. K-Fed concert tickets. Whatever, the world is my oyster!"

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Commentary: I hate your fantasy football war stories

2006-09-22T13:00:00.000-05:00

If there is one thing out there that is really annoying, it is people who tell fantasy football war stories. Contrary to the opinion of most fantasy-footballers, no one in St. Louis cares that Randy Moss has no touchdowns or that Clinton Portis has yet to start a game for your team. Your league rules are irrelevant to the vast majority of those in St. Louis who love football because they like to watch football.

You know you are too into fantasy sports when you are rooting against your home team, the Rams. Pure fantasy footballers will have no guilt hoping that the Rams' secondary gets lit up like a Christmas tree by the opposing quarterback just because that guy is on your fantasy team. Those of you who play but have a conscience come up with bizzare scenarios where both the Rams and your fantasy team wins. For example, this is a recently overheard conversation:

Fan 1: Oh man, I hope the Rams can pull this one out.

Fan 2: Me, too, but I have [opposing running back] on my fantasy team.

Fan 1: But you are still rooting for the Rams, right?

Fan 2: Kind of. I would love to see [that RB] rack up 200 yards rushing and score 3 touchdowns, but as long as the Rams come back and win the game. I can have it both ways.

Fan 1: You need help.

This is absurd. Equally absurd is the notion that your fantasy sports team really pulled it out just because of you, like you coached them to the big win. People who act like this think that they are psychics for picking the right matchups. Here is another overheard conversation:

Fan 1: I won last week because I was smart enough to start Rex Grossman.

Fan 2: Were you smart enough or were the rest of your QBs injured?

Fan 1: I assure you, this happened because of great managing on my part.

Fan 2: So you knew Grossman would play that well?

Fan 1: Of course I did. I am a fantasy sports superstar! I should be on ESPN.

Fan 2: No one thought he would play like that, not even Grossman. Lovie Smith probably bet against the Bears in that game. Grossman's family watched another game on T.V.. Brian Griese was warming up in the first quarter.

Fan 1: Why can't you recognize my genius?

Listen, I know what it's like watching a few games you would not normally be interested in because of your fantasy team. But no need to get crazy. And by crazy, I mean fantasy football champioship rings. This is a reality, thanks to the fine people at Jostens.

Here is an idea to put things in perspective. How about matching some fantasy football war stories with Iraqi war stories? A potential exchange:

Iraqi War Veteran: I just got back from Baghdad. What a war.

Fantasy Footballer: You wanna hear a war story? I was down 25 points to [Team X] after my second running back went down injured and my wide receiver touchdown was nullified with a holding penalty. Going into Monday night, I had the Jacksonville defense and he had Willie Parker. Game over, right? No! I stormed back for a stunning comeback. We wound up tied, and I won on the tie breaker - QB rushing yards! Woooo!

Iraqi War Veteran: Wow, that is impressive. I know what you mean. Just last week I was on patrol when a roadside bomb went off and killed half of my team. I was in a hail of gunfire but managed to escape with my life.

Fantasy Footballer: Yeah, that happened to me in a video game once. Did you go get a med pack to restore full health and grab some ammo crates and head back in after them?

Iraqi War Veteran: The urge to stab you in the face is strong. But I can control myself.

So remember, next time you are about to tell some crapassed story about your fantasy league, the person you are talking to might have the nearly irrepressable urge to harm you physically. And that person might not have the restraint of one of our fine soldiers.

[This story is a commentary.]

[Prove your loserness and click here.]

Hugo Chavez hates America, loves the Cardinals

2006-09-20T13:00:00.000-05:00

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, considered a dangerous leftist dictator by countries not ending in -ran, -ussia, -uba and -yria, recently came out in a fiery speech against the United States and, in particular, against President Bush. During his United Nations rant, he called this country all sorts of names and petitioned the world to give Venezuela a seat of power in the U.N., which is essentially a powerless body to begin with. However, he caged his anti-America comments when he noted that he was a big fan of the St. Louis Cardinals baseball team.

During a question-and-answers session after the speech, El Prezidento For Life Chavez was asked about his love for the Redbirds. "I have always loved the Cardinals. They are the color red, the color of passion! I like to use red backgrounds on my dictator posters because if symbolizes power! Plus, I am from Latin America, so naturally I love baseball." Chavez continued, noting, "What I particularly admire is the team ownership's committment to squeezing money out of the people with an effective public relations machine. I could use good men like that in my administration."

Reached for comment, team dictator Bill DeWitt added, "Mr. Chavez has inquired about purchasing the team. I don't think that is a prudent business decision at this time. Right now, we are in the process of making the Cardinals the finest organization in all of baseball. Now, once we get the value up there and get a discounted ballpark village attached to the stadium, we will be willing to entertain offers in the billion dollar plus range. And by we, I mean me."

Chavez continued his hate-filled spiel with some limited words of love for American baseball. He added, "The Red Birds of St. Louis will march victoriously into the playoffs and will kill the imperial Yankees of baseball so that their blood runs red in the streets. All must swear loyalty in allegance against the imperial Yankees! So says Chavez!"

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Bulger predicts another bad outing in Week 11

2006-09-19T13:00:00.001-05:00

Marc Bulger, the quarterback for the St. Louis Rams, has a terrible outing in the season opener against the Broncos. The team managed to win, but only on the foot of Jeff Wilkins, who converted six field goals. Things did not improve much in Week 2. Bulger was approached about the lackluster offensive performances, and he subsequently apologized. He did, however, cage that apology by making sure everyone knew that he would have another awful statistical performance in Week 11.

Bulger, like most males age 15-50, is in a fantasy football league with his friends and relatives. During the draft, being a proud person, Bulger had targeted himself. Rather than take himself in the 6th round, he chose to pick up another running back with the hopes that he could get himself in the next round. Sadly, he was picked by his buddy Roscoe in the 6th round.

The trouble arose when Bulger's team faced Roscoe's team in the first week of the fantasy season. As a result, any time that Bulger scored in real life, he harmed himself in his fantasy football life. "You can all see that I had a difficult decision to make," noted Marc. He elaborated, "I think I made the right call. The Rams won. My fantasy team won. I won a twelve pack of beer in the fantasy football sidebet. Everyone came out on top." When asked why he predicted another lackluster performance in Week 11, Bulger plainly explained, "That's my rematch against Roscoe. Hopefully the Rams defense can step up again like they did in week one. Who would've thought that would happen?"

Bulger also credited team kicker Jeff Wilkins, explaining that, "Wilkins helped me out twofold. First, he helped the Rams win. But second, he also helped me win. I got him with my last pick, and he was a steal! If not for him, that Frank Gore performance that Roscoe got would have sank me. Thanks to Jeff, I will be enjoying a few cool ones courtesy of old Roscoe."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

[Sorry for this month's 'no-post Monday'. It happens sometimes.]

St. Louis sports fans: At least we don't live in Kansas City

2006-09-19T13:00:00.000-05:00

The recent weeks in St. Louis sports have been somewhat disappointing for the local fan base. The Cardinals, despite being in first place in the worst division in baseball, are only preparing for the inevitable postseason slaughter in the first round. The Rams cannot score a touchdown on offense to save their lives. Both of these teams have been hard-hit by a plague of injuries to key players. On the ice, the Blues are looking to rebound with half of the 1999 All Star team, many of which need cortizone shots in order to tie their laces. The Steamers blew it in the playoffs again a few months ago. Finally, yet another St. Louis team, the Slam women's pro football team, was eliminated in the playoffs by a team from the Boston area.

Things are going terribly and the city has been in a gloomy state for a while. However, mayor Francis Slay has unveiled a new campaign aimed at boosting the city morale and regaining some of the pride that has been lacking lately: At least we're not Kansas City.

The Kansas City area has long been thought of by Saint Louisans as the younger, not as bright sibling in the family/state whose only chance at success was to marry well. Sadly, Kansas City, Missouri, married crime-stricken Kansas City, Kansas, and things have not been going well since.

The Royals have not won two consecutive games since the 1985 World Series, which they continue to hold over our heads. The Chiefs are the football Cardinals in the AFC - perennially picked to go somewhere but it never happens. In fact, the Chiefs are reliving a familiar St. Louis nightmare: the injury of quarterback Trent Green. Sadly, it won't turn out as well for the Chiefs as it did for the Rams. The KC football faithful won't be hoisting the Lombardi Trophy so much as an IV bag above Green. Not to say that they have given up, but the Chiefs are looking forward to Brady Quinn being in their 2007 training camp and are already printing up his jerseys for sale in the team gift shop. Kansas City also had to swallow their pride and accept a major league soccer expansion team. An NBA team was not available, noted one former KC mayor, and so the fifth best option, an MLS team, was reluctantly brought in to the area. Children now grow up watching a sport considered by many to be inferior to badminton and curling.

Reached for comment, mayor Slay noted, "This is the kind of shot in the arm that St. Louis needed. Picking on Kansas City is like beating up that short kid in class with the weird haircut. You know you shouldn't do it, but it makes you feel like a big man inside. If this doesn't work, we're coming for you, Springfield!"

In response to this campaign of abuse, Kansas City has been dumping malodorous pollutants into the Missouri river which will slowly make their way to St. Louis. They have also begun their own campaign to bolster tourism for the western end of the state: We're cooler than Kirksville.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Confusion leads to press conference brawl

2006-09-15T13:00:00.001-05:00

In a stunning turn of events, a fist fight broke out between members of the St. Louis Rams defense and a contingent of the sports reporters from regional and national publications. During a press conference, a group of reporters were asking cornerback Travis Fisher about the team's performance in reference to the previous season and in anticipation of the upcoming game against the 49ers. Things were going well until a series of misunderstandings occurred that resulted in the brawl. A transcript of a portion of the interview follows:

Reporter #1: How would you respond to the critics who allege that you were completely impotent to stop the run?

Travis Fisher: Who said that? I'm all man! That bitch is lying!

Reporter #2: Uh, on another topic ... Do you think that you can protect against the naked bootleg from Alex Smith this weekend?

Fisher: I better not be seeing a naked anything from Alex Smith. Who told you I wanted to see that? I don't like these questions.

Reporter #2: I'm just saying you've have taken a beating on the naked bootleg in the past.

Fisher: You had better move on to another subject unless you want to see a real beating.

Reporter #3: Alex Smith likes to get those balls deep into your end zone. Do you plan on standing up to him or just take it lying down?

Fisher: This interview is over! [Off podium] Hey, D-Line, get in here and help me stop these reporters!

[Yelling and reporter stomping noises.]

After police arrived on the scene to break up the commotion and once order had been restored, the team adjourned to a closed-door meeting to discuss the incident. A team practice was held as scheduled, and the men all showered together afterwards.

The reporters, who will remain nameless, have all decided to not press charges. Since pro football players have a high enough risk of being charged with crimes unrelated to press conference meles, they chose that for the better good of the team they would not add to the turmoil.

[This story is a satire of public figures. Travis Fisher is all man. Please don't come after me, Mr. Fisher.]

Report: Kicking ass at Madden 2007 will not get you laid

2006-09-15T13:00:00.000-05:00

With the unveiling ot the Madden 2007 NFL football game, hundreds of thousands of males ages six to forty six dropped half a c-note for a copy of the world's most popular video game title, ensuring that the game's namesake can now have turducken twice a day every day for the next three hundred years. John Madden, who also happened to be an excellent football coach, does not actually program the game himself, as is thought by many of the game players. In fact, it takes many nerds many hours to churn out this cash cow CD. Now that Madden '07 has hit the market, tournaments have begun and grand champions crowned. Much to the dismay of these grand champions and other Madden '07 superstars, they are finding that their impressive skills have not even remotely improved their chances at getting laid.

At a particularly popular St. Louis-area Madden '07 tournament, about two hundred fifty guys showed up to show their Madden might in a large convention center. Many players arrived in the football jersey of their favorite player, often in sizes of XL or larger. Having never played anything close to real football itself, these short, stinky, unshaven men enjoyed living the fantasy persona that they create for this game. Trash-talking and taunting is a huge part of the Madden '07 tournament experience. Again, having never been good enough at a physical activity to taunt or trash-talk anyone else, these players take full advantage here. Food and drinks are provided, players are ranked, and the top games are shown on big screens. All in all, this is a top notch event. Still, none of the superstars here can get and keep any woman.

The closest thing to a female at these events are the Madden '07 cheerleaders who are getting paid (handsomely) to show up and endorse the game and various consoles. Said one cheerleader, "This place has creepier men than the strip club that I work at on the weekends. Seriously, these guys are nasty. I am never coming to one of these things again. More than one guy has come up to me and told me about some crap he did in a game he played. What the hell? Who cares? It is a game, loser!" Other women who work at video game stores have also been getting annoyed with the pathetic crowd, according to this one female, who wished to remain nameless, "One dude came up to me ans asked if I liked his LT2 jersey, whatever the hell that is. Well, no. I don't care. I work at a video game store part-time and now I have to put up with these dudes? I am quitting this job and going to work at Hooters, where men are a little more respectful and less desperate."

Some gameplayer mothers came by to pick up their (sometimes adult) children from the tournament. From her minivan, one particular mother faced catcalls. She noted, "This one guy, who could not have been much older than my son, asked me if I wanted to take a ride with him. He was a champ, or so he said. What a bunch of losers! 'Get a job' is what I told him. When we got home, I smashed my kid's playstation. No more of that crap. I want him to have a future. Having me pick him up from that tournament is going to be the best thing to happen to my son in the long run. I just wish I had known before."

Tournament champion Roscoe Johnson, reached for comment, noted that "I have never seen a woman naked. In real life. Of couse, as a Madden '07 expert, I see naked women all the time no my PC or on a video, but never in real life. Sometimes my hands are so tired from the twenty hours of Madden that I can barely ... uh, nevermind. I am looking forward to showing off my trophy and hopefully now some female will take note and recognize me for the stud I am. Now, I am off to White Castles for dinner to celebrate."

[This story is a satire of public figures. I must be the only person who does not own a copy of any edition of this game.]

Mark McGwire Expressway renamed Cheating Bastard Highway

2006-09-14T13:00:00.000-05:00

Way back in 1998 Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa were credited with saving baseball when they engaged in a riveting race to break the single season home run record. Since then, the public and media have villified both of them based upon the allegations of disgraced junkie Jose Canseco. As a result of this fiasco, all of their baseball cards have been dramatically devalued, effectively ruining the retirement plans of several poor-planning idiots.

In honor of his then-amazing accomplishments, the city and local officials banded together to name a particularly blighted part of Interstate 70 the Mark McGwire Expressway. Just beyond the empty warehouses and apartments, one of the few non-grafitti-laden landmarks in this area was a large road sign memorializing this renaming. However, in light of the recent steriod allegations and the reclusive demeanor of McGwire, those same politicians who once fought to recognize him have now turned on him and renamed the highway. Rather than returning the highway to an unnamed stretch of road, they chose to take it further by putting a purposefully derrogatory name in its place. Yesterday the "Cheating Bastard Highway" was unveiled where the "Mark McGwire Expressway" once ran.

Said Commissioner Bud Selig, "This McGwire/Sosa problem was just awful. We all feel so betrayed. I cannot believe that they both cheated, even though they did save the game. What they did is equivalent to having the best sex of your life with a beautiful woman and then discovering that she used to be a man. No matter how great it was, in retrospect, it was vile and disgusting."

Local outrage has been surprisingly minimal in this rabidly loyal baseball town. The fans here seem to understand the seriousness of the situation and this is not the first time this sort of thing has happened. This actually follows suit of similar changes made in other towns. For example, in 1999 the Republican government in Ohio changed the "Bill Clinton Parkway" to "Keep It In Your Pants Road" and, in California, just this past month "Barry Bonds Road" was renamed "Lying Scumbag Alley."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Cardinals owners ask city for money to send their kids to college

2006-09-13T13:00:00.001-05:00

Like the sun rising in the east, the ownership group of the St. Louis Cardinals is again asking the city for additional funding. In the recent past, the owners have received tax breaks as well as public funding for their team-related ventures. Many opponents of public funding have tried to make the owners pay for the stadium themselves, and yet the perqs have come from city, state and regional governments. After a brief flirtation with the idea of moving the team to the east side of the Mississippi River, everyone not named Rev. Earl Nance stopped laughing long enough to work out a deal that was believed to benefit both sides. Now the team ownership has come back to the citizens and their government, hat in hand again, and is asking for more money. However, this time they need funding to finance their children's colleges.

The children of team owner Bill DeWitt plan on attending very expensive private schools, typically only reserved for the finest minds or the deepest pockets in America. This education will include first class dormitory lodging, fraternity and sorority dues, spring break trips, semesters abroad, food and, of course, exceptional amounts of beverages. In lieu of paying for this himself, Mr. DeWitt feels that the people of St. Louis and all of Missouri should help fund this educational endeavour in an effort to revitalize the downtown area and bring new jobs back to the city. Said Mr. DeWitt, "It is a proven fact that the more money you spend on sports teams, the better things go for a city. Therefore, the more money spent on the expensive colleges of the children of sports team owners, the better things go for a city. Trust me, I am a shrewd businessman and cannot possibly explain this in terms you would understand. Now just give me the money."

In addition to funding for the private education of team owner children, it has been suggested that the ballpark village also provide luxury housing accomodations to Bill DeWitt and other elite members of team management and ownership. Said Mr. DeWitt, "I thought that part of this whole stadium and village deal was to get people to move back downtown. I am willing to be one of those people. I just need some new digs. I am not looking for Russell Simmons quality housing, but something more along the lines of Sean 'Diddy' Combs or Mariah Carey quality housing." As far as particular amenities, he is willing to make some concessions. "I can pay for the live-in chef and butler, but the city should subsidize the remainder fo the expenses. I mean, those ballpark luxury residences won't build themselves. I need some help since I am a little strapped for cash."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

[If the Rev. Nance reference lost you, read this.]

[Finally, a website! ChBe sure to click on the second-to-last celebrity photo, and look at the 'oh crap, I'm on camera with this guy' face in that pic.]

Hockey fans on Orszagh injury: Who the hell is Orszagh?

2006-09-13T13:00:00.000-05:00

Blues management announced earlier this week that forward Vladimir Orszagh would miss the 2006-2007 season while recovering from surgery to repair a cartilage defect in his left knee. This has left many of the Blues faithful scratching their heads, but not because they were confused about why this surgery had to take place when a similar one had been performed only months ago. Most hockey fans in St. Louis have never heard of Orszagh.

While Vladimir was looking forward to playing in the newly renamed ScottTrade center this fall, the injury has cost him a spot somewhere on the second or third line. Many of the faces and names on the team are wildly unfamiliar to the fan base. The sell-off shamelessly implemented by Bill Laurie left the city with a bunch of no-name players, unproven rookies and overpaid hacks. Reached for comment, overpaid hack Keith Tkachuk retorted, "I am not a hack. I may be overpaid, but I am not a hack."

The unfamiliarity with the current team by the fans is not without reason. Too many Blues fans abandoned the team during the lockout. When the team finally came back last season, the fan base was reflective upon the previous thirty seasons or so. The year-long hockey strike allowed the city in general to realize that living without Blues hockey is a little like living without herpes - you're okay for a while, but every so often it really sucks. Even before the strike, being a die hard Blues fan the past two decades was equivalent to dating a super-hot, sexually provocative prude. She (the Blues) kept teasing the fan base season after season, letting us think that we were going to go somewhere together. But then, predictably, and not without heartache, she would push us back and remind us that no means no, meagerly exiting the playoffs perennially.

So when news comes out about someone with an unpronouncable name being injured, it is no wonder that most people in the city have no idea what they are talking about. It could be completely made up and no one would know. Good luck this season, Blues, whoever the hell you are.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Rams' offense unmotivated by emotionally stable head coach

2006-09-12T13:00:00.001-05:00

The Saint Louis Rams used to be known as "The Greatest Show on Turf" for their high-flying and explosive offense. But after a lackluster preseason performance by the first team offense and a similarly abhorrent showing in the regular season opener, there are rumors being talked around that perhaps Scott Linehan is not the type of head coach that inspires greatness in his offense. One thing differentiates Linehan from his two immediate precessors: he possesses emotional stability.

Mike Martz, the most recent head coach before Linehan was brought in, was known as "Mad Mike". He took a restraining order out against a [probably psychotic] player, manipulated the front office and was known as a general lunatic by his players. Martz would frequently fly off the handle at his players for doing something wrong. His playcalling also left something to be desired and the national and local media began to question bothi his decision-making and his sanity. He has since moved to the Detroit Lions organization, which is headed up by a team president with a history of questionable cerebral instability as well. We are expecting magical things from that team. Just before Martz, Dick Vermeil was another example of the fragile nature of humanity. As weeping in football became more acceptable than crying in baseball, Vermeil's players had grown accustomed to the yin and yang of loud motivation and eerily quiet sobbing from their head coach.

Both the Martz and Vermeil offenses performed exceptionally well on the field. When asked about the discrepancy, team veteran wide receiver Issac Bruce noted, "If we messed up with Coach Vermeil, he would start crying. Nobody liked that nonsense. Then if we messed up with Coach Martz, he would go crazy. So we made sure that we stayed on our game on the offense. But now with Coach Linehan, it's like it was under Rich Brooks. Whatever, man. I get my check win or lose, baby. Since Coach Linehan isn't crazy as hell, one way or the other, we don't really have much to fear." Referring to the mid-1990s Cardinals teams, "When Joe Torre took over, those Redbird teams went to sleep. That guy just sat there and watched the game like a fan, so those players stunk it up. It is all cause and effect."

Said noted sports psychiatrist Roscoe Johnson, "Many people respond to abnormal behavior with extraordinary behavior of their own. For example, highly motivational people typically have very eccentric personalities, be they wild, irrational and unpredictable like Mike Martz or perhaps pendular and extreme like Dick Vermeil. It is not by coincidence that coaches with strong personalities elicit strong player performances. And when you have a mild and stable personality, especially in place of a previously unstable personality, the opposite effect takes place, and those players tend to slack off."

However, a marked improvement has been seen on the other side of the ball, where the defensive unit has been dramatically improved over the previous seasons. Defensive veteran Leonard Little added, "We had been working under some pretty bad defensive coordination that never held us accountable the past two seasons, so we just sort of took those seasons off. I mean, why bust your ass if you don't have to? But Coach Haslett? Whoo that man is nuts. You know I play my butt of for that man. Those crazy white people are the ones to look out for. I don't want to be messin' with Coach Haslett. He drinks his soda and then eats the can. Who the heck does that? I bet I record fifty sacks this season."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Rams rookie hazing update

2006-09-11T13:00:00.001-05:00

A regular tradition on local professional sports teams is the hazing of rookie players. For example, Blues forward Jamal Mayers had his eyebrows dyed in stripes when he first started. This year the Steamers rookies had to put on an amusing skit where they all wore dresses and makeup. For the Cardinals, the rookies have to carry the veterans' bags. Some critics have recently noted that a few of the Rams' hazing incidents this season might have gone a little too far. The veteran players dismiss such accusations and claim that it is all a part of joining the league.

Said Rams defensive tackle Jimmy Kennedy about the rookie hazing, "Well, when I joined the team as a rookie, they made me shave my eyebrows and I also had to eat some worms. I thought that this year we should kick it up a couple notches, so we went to Tye Hill's house, kidnapped him in the middle of the night and buried him alive in the middle of Tower Grove Park. Who's hot stuff now, Rook?" It was then explained to Kennedy that you need to breathe in order to live and that breathing underground was basically impossible, to which he replied, "Oh, well too bad then. I guess we need to spend next season's number one pick on another cornerback. Booyah! We got him good!"

When approached about the hazing issue at Rams Park, team captain Leonard Little commented that, "Perhaps we took the Tye Hill thing a little too far. But, I mean, no one got hurt when we hazed rookie Joe Klopfenstein. We made sure he was out on the town with the rest of the offense when we set fire to his apartment. Hoo-ah, that was some good hazing." Little was then told that the apartment complex fire that he and the rest of the defensive line started had left twenty innocent families homeless. In reply, he noted, "Serves 'em right for livin' next to a rookie."

In what now appears to be a related story, Rams rookie defensive tackle Claude Wroten swam to feedom somewhere near Cairo, Illinois, after being hit on the head with a crowbar by an unknown assailant after leaving Rams Park. He was then rolled up in a rug and thrown off of the Eads Bridge, but luckily managed to survive the ordeal. Police were investigating, but upon learning that it was most likely a Rams hazing-related incident, have ceased their efforts and let the team off with a warning. "Boys will be boys," noted a police spokesperson.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

LaRussa eats record-breaking 54th baseball cap

2006-09-11T13:00:00.000-05:00

Saint Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa owns many managerial records and is surely in the midst of a Hall of Fame career. He holds the mark for second most wins as a manager for the Cardinals and is third in wins all time amongst all managers in the history of the game. LaRussa owns a half dozen or so manager of the year awards, four pennants, several division championships and a world series ring. But he recently reached his most inglorious achievement to-date in St. Louis, having eaten 54 baseball caps in one season, a team record by 54, shattering the mark he set the previous game by one.

Commentator Joe Buck, on the hat situation, noted that, "Well typically when you say that someone is so mad that they are eating their hat, you are speaking figuratively. But not with LaRussa, who does everything all the way. Nothing half-assed with Tony, even in hat eating."

LaRussa tends to get worked up during particularly terrible baseball performances, such as whenever Jason Marquis, Jeff Weaver, Mark Mulder or Jason Isringhausen pitch in a live game. When things start to go south, he puts his hat in his mouth to curb the profanities that would otherwise spew onto the field and into the dugout. Remarked LaRussa, "I used to cuss up a storm, and I mean I would say stuff that could make sailors blush. Then my bench coach at the time started a swear jar in the dugout and I had to put in a dollar each time I let one fly. Well at the end of the year, I had so much money in the jar I that I could take the whole team out for a nice steak dinner. Of course, since it was that lousy team that made me swear so much, I spent the money on some fur coats, my obsession at the time."

After the swear jar season, Tony decided to put the bill of his hat into his mouth to shut himself up. Well, during some games he would get so frustrated that he would eat the hat. Not really 'eat' the hat in the consume and digest form of the word, but more in the Cookie Monster rip the shit out of it and make a damned mess sense of the word.

Said John Rodruigez, when reached for comment, "Yeah, since I am on the bench so much, I can see this happen pretty well. Tony sits pretty calm with his arms crossed, staring a hole into the umpire's forehead. But then you see a couple bad pitches and Tony starts to gnaw on that lid. When some more bad plays happen, he starts to rip it up in his teeth and pretty soon there is nothing but pieces left. That's some messed up behavior, right there."

The league record for eaten hats is seemingly out of reach, since it was set by Tony Pena a couple of years ago in Kansas City. Pena had to quit the team, not because of poor team performance, but instead because of the high hat content in his stomach and bloodstream.

[This story is a satire of public figures. Wow, this is pretty stupid.]

[Thanks MWS.]

Stlsports named Riverfront Times "Local Blog O' the Week"

2006-09-08T21:23:00.000-05:00

Much to the shock of stlsports, the Riverfront Times has named this blog the "Local Blog O' the Week", and let me tell you, it has been a long time coming. After a few weeks of grueling local investigative fake sports reporting, the staff has been rewarded with an amazing honor from a highly reputable and respected publication such as the RFT.

Stlsports is not really all that familiar with the Riverfront Times, which is sort of the "independent report on whatever the hell they feel like newspaper magazine" for St. Louis. Several years ago, while waiting at a MetroLink stop, I read an edition of the RFT for the first time, and while browsing came across a column called 'Savage Love', which I should have known better than to read from the title. A few sentences into it and I felt like I was reading a Playboy in a public place. That particular column included the story of someone's grandmother masturbating her pet parrot and how it disturbed the guy who wrote in to the columnist, Dan Savage. Really? That was disturbing? Well, nothing like turing the page to move on ... to twenty pages of 'adult' themed advertisements. However, the judging eyes of the old lady sitting next to me could not keep me away from the full page 'Spankys' ad, which cartooned out the many euphamisms for flogging the old dolphin, in case you can't read but are looking for a place like Spanky's. Perhaps going forward in the magazine was more appropriate, and I turned to hard hitting news about the hottest local restaurants and bars. What a publication.

Yessir, the RFT has a special place in the hearts of stlsports, and we here are thrilled to have its endorsement. Hopefully, we can next be recognized by Hustler magazine or the New York Times, two other well-regarded publications.

In an unrelated matter, the Riverfront Times has been named by stlsports the "Local Non-Post-Dispatch Printed News Publication O' the Week", just narrowly beating out For Rent Magazine.

[Check it out here.]

Tim McCarver literally moments from explosion

2006-09-07T13:00:00.000-05:00

Tim McCarver, a baseball analyst for the FOX network, is best known around the country as the member of the sports media with his head the furthest up the Yankees' ass, right above Buster Olney's. To a few learned people in St. Louis, he is also known for being the catcher on the many excellent Cardinals teams in the 1960's and for his relationship with Hall of Fame pitcher Bob Gibson. Despite being a famous former Cardinal, McCarver hates the team and goes out of his way to rip on the Redbirds constantly, earning him a special place in the hearts of the city of St. Louis. In fact, Tim McCarver actually once said something nice about the Cardinals during a playoff broadcast in 2000 and a small vein on the front of his brow started to pulsate at dangerous levels. After being medically cleared to return to the booth, he proceeded to knock on the home team again as usual.

To show their appreciation for McCarver's antagonistic disposition towards the club and the city, a group of local sports fans got together to honor McCarver. According to Rocky Mozell, who somehow got the rights to sell the names of the stars via the International Star Registry, anyone can name a star after someone else for a few bucks. [Stlsports plans to wait until Mozell decides to sell real estate on Jupiter. How about the acre at the exact center of the red dot?] The 'Tim McCarver Go To Hell Association' purchased from the star registry the right to name the most unstable and soonest-to-explode star so that they could have a kind of cool, kind of nerdy party where they could witness the spectacular death of Tim McCarver.

Said local scientist Roscoe Johnson, "Well actually, this star blew up millions of years ago. See, light travels at a fixed speed, and the light from the explosion took millions of years to get here. So, actually it blew up a while ago. But, you know, since we only see it here now, it looks like it is blowing up now. See, that relativity stuff is kind of cool." Regardless of the 'scientific' explanation of the workings of the blowing up of stuff far away, the TMGTHA is undaunted by their zeal to witness the nuclear death of Tim McCarver. The group plans to project images of the explosion, which is said to be just days away, onto a giant screen to be seen by the group and its guests while a great deal of beer is consumed.

Reached for comment, McCarver's partner in the broadcast booth, Joe Buck, said on the record that "Tim McCarver is the biggest windbag in the world" and that "working with McCarver is like having nails driven into my temple." Buck then curbed those remarks with, "Yeah, but FOX pays so darn much, I would do the game with anybody. Anybody except Harold 'Octopus' Reynolds." When asked why Harold Reynolds is known as the 'Octopus', Buck replied that "he is all hands, if you know what I mean." We sure do, Joe. The TMGTHA has lobbied Buck to call the explosion, but talks stalled when the group offered some beer and a t-shirt and Buck demanded ten million dollars.

For their next event, the anti-McCarver group now plans to adopt a sick and elderly dog, rename it Tim McCarver, and then have it put down.

[This story is a satire of public figures. Man, I hate Tim McCarver. Sorry, PETA.]

[BTW, if you have money to throw away, visit http://www.starregistry.com/.]

St. Louis sports-themed poetry contest results

2006-09-06T13:00:00.001-05:00

Stlsports is pleased to announce the long-awaited results of the poetry contest. Below is a publication of the winning entries. Enjoy the best of the sports musings of St. Louis' finset poetic minds.

A haiku on the Blues' latest retread goalie situation:

Manny Legace?
What? Was Vincent Reindeau
Unavailable?

A limerick about a trip to Busch stadium from the view in the center field bleachers:

A baseball is hit down the line
In the air, oh my, it looks fine
I look up for the ball
As it approaches the wall
I'm blind from the neon Hardee's sign

A second limerick from a devoted Rams fan with some fantasy sports thoughts:

I wish I was a believer!
Even if you're an overacheiver.
On fantasy draft day,
Kevin Curtis slips away,
I just can't draft a white wide receiver.

Another great haiku, this one about a local big league player for the Phillies who is having an amazing season:

Hey, Ryan Howard,
Thanks for reminding the Cards
How badly they draft

This one is a free verse rhyme about an after-game party with a women's rugby team:

I was acting smoothe as could be,
But these chicks had no interest in me.
I talked to one particular hottie,
Who had a total knockout body.
"You're not my type," she said with a frown,
And I turned away, having been shot down.
As I walked off, she shouted, 'Hey, mister"
And asked me if I had a sister.

[These poems are reprinted with the authors' permission and are satires of public figures. Feel free to add your own to the comments.]

Survey: 90% of people who quote stats making them up

2006-09-06T13:00:00.000-05:00

During a recent poll of Cardinals baseball fans, who claim to be the most intelligent spectators in the game, it appears that many people have been throwing around statistics without having any idea what they mean. In fact, many people just make up statistics to prove their point in arguments with other fans. This might come as a shock to some, but not to stlsports, for whom witnessing this type of nonsense has been going on for many years.

For example, a recent discussion overheard by stlsports at Weber's Front Row during a Cardinals game between two morons is transcribed below:

Moron 1: Pujols is a much better clutch player than Big Papi.

Moron 2: How can you make such a statement? They are in different leagues and play different positions on totally different teams.

Moron 1: Well Pujols' OPS is .860 for the year.

Moron 2: Wow, that is pretty high, I guess.

Moron 1: And since Papi only has an OPS of .790, he sucks.

Moron 2: Do you even know what OPS means?

Moron 1: Uh, sure. Overall Player Swing?

Moron 2: So, did those stats come from the newspaper or out of your ass?

This is just one all-too-common example that most people who claim to know about sports actually know nothing about sports. The OPS statistic is a detailed calculation, recently added to the baseball vernacular, obtained by taking the player's jersey number, dividing that by his walk-to-strikeout ratio, and adding that number to his road batting average. Duh, everyone knows that.

But the foolishness is still quite prominent. Many 'die-hard' Redbird fans were quizzed on their knowledge of the game, including everything from manual scoring to historical statistics. To say that the city performed poorly would be a dramatic understatement.

By example, when polled via Jumbotron by a showing of hands about the attendance at the Cardinals game last week, many people thought that Option #2, represented by a hot dog, was correct, when in fact it was Option #4, the ballcap. The craziness continued. The guy sitting next to stlsports marked down 4-3 on his scorecard for a ball hit to the second baseman and thrown to first base for an out. Since the ball was thrown from second to first, the scoring should have been 2-1, but in lieu of crashing down his little baseball world, stlsports resisted the urge to correct him.

Reached for comment, manager Tony LaRussa noted, "I am sick of this town. Why do you think I live in California? I can't get a cup of frickin' coffee without someone talking to me about stats. What's that, Mr. Idiot Baseball Fan? I should start Taguchi tonight in center based on your personal statistical analysis? Wow, thanks. Would you like my job, you fat ass? How about another donut? ... I'm sorry, I'm rambling. It's my problem, I'll deal with it. Anyway, I cannot stand hearing stats from fans. I would say that 99% of the time, they are completely wrong. The next guy who talks to me about OPS is getting punched in the face. And I am not talking a little 'Michael Barret cheap-o' punch in the face. I am talking about a 'Nolan Flippin Ryan tenderizing Robin Ventura's schnoz' punch in the face. Just you watch."

Study up, Cardinals fans. This was a disappointing showing.

[This story is only 67% satire of public figures, including the LaRussa stuff, but with an overall +/- 4% margin of error, but that's only 70% of the time, 10% of the time, and there is only a 45% chance of that.]

Commentary: Indoor Football much more confusing that Australian Rules Football

2006-09-05T13:00:00.001-05:00

[This story is a commentary, which slightly deviates from the traditional format for this news service. Enjoy the experiment.]

In an effort to try and expand the sports horizions of its readers, stlsports recently attended an indoor football game at the Savvis Center. Apparently St. Louis has an indoor football team, called the River City Rage. The Rage are a part of the National Indoor Football League, which is just another in a long line of indoor bastardizations of the NFL. Stlsports had an alterior motive for attending this game: so I could figure out what the hell is going on in the EA Sports Arena Football game that I won on eBay for twenty five cents.

See, there are several schools of thought on the football played indoors rules. For one thing, you can play regular old football indoors, like we can see in person at the Edward Jones Dome downtown. The roof doesn't retract and the building doesn't have any character inside, but at least it was damned expensive and it certainly revitalized the six city blocks that it was built upon. Then there are the other kinds of indoor football, the kind played in hockey or basketball arenas by people who couldn't make it in the Canadian Football League, NFL Europe, the Women's Pro Football League or the American Geriatric Flag Football League. For your money, you get 50 yards field and crazy rules that vary from one league to another, so that no one has any freaking idea what they are watching from one league to another. For example, when stlsports went to the NIFL league game to figure out indoor football, those rules did not translate to the AFL video game, much to the vexation of stlsports.

In light of the indoor football rules discrepancy fiasco, the Arena Football League game disc is now a coaster, and actually far better serves its new purpose of keeping moisture off of furniture than it did in its original purpose of entertaining the game player. The bottom line is that unless it is football played NFL style, then it is not really football. However, since the team here at stlsports is wildly unathletic, as is the case for most sports commentators, a search was on for a more amenable form of competitive gaming that combined a love of beer with a dislike for confusing rules. That's when we were introduced to Australian Rules Football, a type of sport sweeping the ... well, nowhere. It is the ugly step child of rugby, and it absolutely kicks ass.

When asked to explain the rules of Australian Rules Football, local Aussie import Roscoe Johnson, who is a 'gutter' by trade when not playing ARF, noted, "OY! First you swazzle up a few yobbles of beer-ee-oo, then you and you mates git on the pitch and at the snag of the bell, it's a right fine noggin for hog raggin the buzzard wit the ball. Then you make sure that the bob who has the billy gets a ramble on his backside, all in the hopes of draggin the billy into the graggler. Then its time for some beeries. Fosters is for nancys. I like mine the Braggles. Thats the stovetopper." So it sounds like ARF is basically binge drinking combined with 'kill the man with the ball', which is just fine with stlsports. Isn't that what real men should be doing with their free time anyway? Is anyone surprised that something like this would come out of Australia?

Play on, brave ARFers, play on. Stlsports will be cheering, beer in hand.

Since the last stlsports post, the death of Steve Irwin, a/k/a The Crocodile Hunter, became public news. When reached for comment, ARF player Johnson noted, "I didn'a cry when me own father was hung for stealing a pig, but I'll cry now."

[This story is a satire of public figures and rediculous sports.]

[We will miss you Steve. God must have one hell of a crocodile running loose in heaven to need you up there so soon.]

Special Edition: Rejected Sports Headlines [Part 2]

2006-09-05T13:00:00.000-05:00

Of course there are more rejected headlines! So many stupid ideas that never got off of the ground. When the headline itself is far, far funnier than the story to follow, it gets rejected. Hence, most of the following terrible headlines. Enjoy the second installation of this series. Feel free to opine which ones should be saved, if any.

So Taguchi not a very good driver [No need to endorse a stereotype, even if there are some elements of truth ... ]

Cubs fan has memorial brick edited to remove phrase 'Cards Suck' [You know, this probably really happened, but when I tried to write it, it was just too dumb.]

Time traveller from future: You must kill [sports player] [I could not figure out who it should be, but I still have a dumb reason to kill him in my head. Despite that, I am letting this one go.]

Cancer-stricken children to Blues: We aren't interested in free tickets [Since when are cancer-stricken children in a humor-related story? This would have landed me in hell.]

Local liquor stores lobby Walt Jocketty to trade for David Wells [Another spin on the Sidney Ponson / Ray King joke - already done it.]

Glue factory near Fairmount Park sees increase in production [Wow, that's dumb.]

Sequel to Three Nights in August: 'I hate you, Jason Marquis' [Wrote it a while back and it sucked. Plus, Bernie has been doing this gag for weeks on 1380am, and I wouldn't want our comments to overlap.]

Rectal Fungobatectomy required for reporter who brought up Mark McGuire in LaRussa interview [Believe it or not, there is no such procedure as a fungobatectomy.]

Hardees sign at Busch Stadium leads to increase in price of Neon gas [I just hate how commercial that stadium has become. And that damn sign is HUGE!]

Pornographic websites feeling the pinch from the fantasy football boom [Well what else is there to do on a computer?]

[Player] named ugliest man in St. Louis sports [I have a name, and you probably do too, but this one should never be written.]

[These rejected stories would have been and these headlines are satires of public figures.]

Bo Hart desperate to get noticed

2006-09-04T13:00:00.001-05:00

Just last week the expansion of the rosters for the Cardinals' major league baseball team took place, and several prospects and part-time players have made the jump up to the major leagues for the remainded of the regular season. However, despite the teams' issues at the center of the diamond defensively, former fan-favorite Bo Hart did not get the call. Since returning to the Cardinals organization in the AAA Memphis Redbird affiliate, Hart had been trying to get noticed by the St. Louis management and make the team again. Sadly, people aren't talking about Bo anymore and he is getting desperate to get noticed.

In a recent Redbirds broadcast in Memphis, the television announcer had this call of the game: "There's strike three, and with that Schumaker goes down swinging. Well, we can take a break here for station identification and be back with the top of the sixth, right here on ... oh, my goodness. [To producer] Get camera three on the dugout. [To broadcast] It appears that in the corner of the dugout, Bo Hart is, well it appears that he is cutting himself on the arm. Can that be right? Yes, it looks like he is using a pocket knife to cut himself in his non-throwing forearm in several places. The trainer is on his way over, and ... lookout, I think we are seeing some kind of tantrum. Hart is throwing things around and shouting out to the trainer and manager that he is not loved and that nobody cares about him. Well, folks, this is about the weirdest thing I have ever seen in my life as a broadcaster. This, ... this is a black day for baseball."

Said youth therapist Roscoe Johnson about such erratic behavior, "This is typical for children who are trying to get noticed. If someone's parents, for example, have been spending too much time talking about or paying attention to the oldest child, sometimes the younger child might do dangerous things to themselves as a cry for attention. Sometimes they will do drugs or alcholol, or perhaps misbehave in school, but these rarer instances of self-harm need special attention. Ultimately, the child does get the attention that they are seeking, so it is important not to feed into their desires and create a dangerous looping effect for repetitive behavior." Upon being informed that this was not an early teen situation, but instead was that of a professional baseball player in his mid to late twenties, Johnson replied, "Well that changes things. That guy is out of his damned mind. I had no idea. He needs some real help."

Said manager Tony LaRussa about the Bo Hart situation, "I have had it up to my butt with short, white, 'scrappy', one-position infielders. How many of these clowns are in our organization? And by the way, I hate the word 'scrappy'. That is the stupidest crap I have ever heard. Stop using that word!" General manager Walt Jocketty, opined, "Oh, yeah, we noticed him alright. In fact, I noticed his ass right over to Round Rock in a trade. We only have room on our roster for a few psychos and Hart isn't one of them."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

[Thanks KES and MWS.]

Shaun McDonald named NFL preseason MVP, wants new contract

2006-09-04T13:00:00.000-05:00

Shaun McDonald, the Rams' abhorrent punt returner, has been named the National Football League's Most Valuable Player of the 2006 preseason. This is quite an honor for an up and coming receiver, and the first time that someone who was actually drafted in the regular NFL draft won this honor. This adds to McDonald's already impressive resume that includes three touchdowns in four seasons and a practice squad player of the year award from the Rams. But now he has chosen to hold out for a new contract in light of his recent accolades.

To earn this accolade, the scrappy player managed to record 156 punt return yards, 175 kickoff return yards, and two receiving touchdowns to accompany his 13 catches for 117 yards in just three preseason games. He is pleased with now being called scrappy rather than just crappy. "That little 's' is a big deal to me," he opined. "Too bad preseason football stats don't count towards the rest of the year. If they did, I would be a perennial pro bowler."

McDonald has been getting counsel from another member of the league, one who has also been named the preseason NFL MVP, as well as the MVP of the now defunct XFL, Rod Smart, f/k/a He Hate Me. Smart also held out, noting that, "After my first preseason game, where I had six rushes for seventy yards, with a couple touchdowns agains the Houston third string defense, I was on pace to set league records in several offensive caterogies. It was payday time. But as usual, The Man was hating on me." Accordingly, the Panthers begged to differ, who in a counteroffer to Smart's demands, told him that under a tucked-away contract clause, he could be made to work the hot dog concession stands if he tried to hold out for more money. Smart relented and went on that season to play as a back-up special teams player, where he sucked.

When asked about the holdout, John Shaw of the the Rams' front office, asked, "Who the hell is that? Wait, didn't we cut that guy like three years ago? Hmm." After a brief investigation, it was determined that he had been cut in the 2004 preseason, but that no one told him, and through some glitch in accounting, he kept getting paid. "Well I just fixed the glitch, and it should work itself out," concluded Shaw.

McDonald noted, "I haven't heard back from the Rams yet, but I expect that they will be caving into my demands soon. I mean, what can they do without the McD Man?" McDonald's preseason replacement, a WR/RB 'tweener' Roscoe Johnson, returned a punt and a kickoff for touchdowns in the subsequent game against the Bears' first team special teams. Said Johnson, "I really don't like being called a 'tweener', since I think, according to schoolyard lingo, that means that I have both sets of genitalia. I don't. I mean, I am all man. Now, I am pretty sure that there is a true 'tweener' on the team, based on what I've seen in the showers, but I should not really get into that." When asked about his preseason accomplishments, Johnson opined, "Yeah, that was pretty awesome, a real testament to my value. I am thinking of holding out for more money."

[This story is a satire of public figures. BTW, I really dislike preseason football.]