The new Andy Murray regime at the St. Louis Blues franchise has seen some tough times. The first few games after Murray took over, subsequent to the firing of Mike Kitchen, were as ugly as it gets. Then, suddenly, the team started winning. Now that the Kitchen-era struggles seemed to be behind the team, coach Murray decided it was time for some team male bonding. Murray had some motivational speeches and activities planned for the players during an off-day retreat this past week. However, things took a turn for the worse when the motivational movie selected by the new coach was Brokeback Mountain.
In case you have been living under a rock, Brokeback Mountain is about two gay cowboys who love each other. Really, there is no need to explain it any further, since that pretty much sums it up for people who like westerns. If you like gay movies, then this is right up your alley. Have a great time. Stlsports missed that one, and it was no accident. Lots of people (not friends) told Stlsports what an amazing, beautiful, lifechanging movie it was. Hey, that's great. I am still not going to see it. No thanks. I don't care how many Oscar nominations and awards it was up for. The Oscars are rigged, anyway. Gay cowboys? Good God, man!
So, getting back to the story, Andy Murray, who never goes to the movies, called up his old buddy Joel Quenville, who is now the coach of the Colorado Avalanche. Coach Q, as he is known, was the predecessor to Mike Kitchen, and his needless dismissal left a bad taste in his mouth. Regardless of the politics of the business end of the National Hockey League, Murray felt that he could reach out to Quenville. According to Murray, "I asked Q if he knew of any recent movies that showed a bond between friends. See, I don't really go to the movies that much and I know Joel does like to see a movie once a while in the theater. He suggested Brokeback Mountain. He said it was a western that had just come out and won a bunch of awards, and it was all about male bonding. Well, that was good enough for me. I am trying to get these guys to bond here, and this movie was going to inspire them." After a pensive moment, he continued, "Not such a great idea after all."
Coach Q, reached for comment, noted, "I can't believe he actually showed that to the team. I bet post-game showers will be a little strange from now on. Kind of nice throwing a monkey wrench into the Blues team that fired me for no damned reason. Of couse, that team is so bad right now, I guess it wasn't really necessary. But, you know what? To hell with them fellas!"
Coach Murray, at the retreat, put in the DVD and noted, "I want you guys to understand what my regime as head coach is all about. I want to see quality male bonding and teamwork. This movie is all about male bonding and teamwork and solid relationships. Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to have a coaches meeting to draw up some plays. I will return when the video is over." With that the coach left his team to the screening of Brokeback Mountain. Upon his return, confusion was abound.
Veteran Jamal Mayers stated, "I don't know what that movie had to do with hockey, but I am a little confused. This is what Andy Murray's style of hockey is all about? What?" Defenseman Barrett Jackman had similar issues, noting, "Why did he show that movie? Listen, there is nothing wrong with being gay. Hell, there is nothing wrong with being a gay cowboy. My only fault lies in showing a gay cowboy movie to a hockey team and telling the team that this movie represents your visions for the hockey team. Does anyone else think that is a little odd?" Forward Bill Guerin, new to the team this season, added, "Does the team management have any idea who the hell they hired when they hired this guy? This is the second gayest western I have ever seen, right after the Young Guns, which was pretty gay. Regardless, I am showering at home after games from now on."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
[By the way, for an excellent Brokeback Mountain parody, Google 'Brokeback to the Future.]
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Death of Gerald Ford hits Pujols particularly hard
When news reached Albert Pujols this morning about the death of Gerald Ford, he was visibly shaken. Normally a man who shows little emotion, he was moved to tears. Quietly, he called his friends to tell them of the tragic news, and took the day off of training to spend time with his family. Only once in a while does something this disappointing and upsetting shake the foundations of a person as resolute as Pujols. He spent the day in mourning, and only this evening did he finally grant the press the interview that it was seeking. Below is a transcript of the emotional interview:
Pujols: I wanted to talk to you guys today about the loss of Gerald Ford. This is a sad day for America and a sad day for the Pujols family.
Media: Albert, why has this incident struck you particularly hard?
Pujols: Well, when I first came to this country, it was Gerald Ford that brought me into America and the Kansas City area. Because of Gerald Ford, my family was taken care of and I was given my first good job. I paid my way through high school and into junior college. I owe everything to Gerald Ford. That is why this is so sad.
Media: We had no idea of the role Gerald Ford played in your life. When did you first meet the President?
Pujols: Well, he was not the president at the time. He was actually the manager. He was quite helpful to me, and I think I met him in 1989 when I first came to America.
Media: The manager of what, Albert?
Pujols: Well the manager of Gerald Ford. His name was Roscoe Johnson. Mr. Johnson was so nice to us. Like I said, he even game me my first job washing cars on the sales lot. I only made a few dollars an hour, but it was more money that I was used to. My family is so appreciative of what Gerald Ford did for us.
Media: Albert, you aren't talking about the Gerald Ford dealership out by Grandview in suburban Kansas City, are you?
Pujols: Well, yeah, man. I heard that the place died. You know, I got my first Ford from that place and ... hey, where are you all going?
Media: We are all going home. Clearly there is some mistake, you complete moron. You called us here for something so stupid, it is incomprehensible. The car dealership known as Gerald Ford is, presumably, still open for business. Gerald Ford, the 38th president of the United States, died. I assume you never met the man?
Pujols: Well, no. [pause] So, you are saying that Gerald Ford is still open? Oh, happy day! I am so relieved.
Pujols: I wanted to talk to you guys today about the loss of Gerald Ford. This is a sad day for America and a sad day for the Pujols family.
Media: Albert, why has this incident struck you particularly hard?
Pujols: Well, when I first came to this country, it was Gerald Ford that brought me into America and the Kansas City area. Because of Gerald Ford, my family was taken care of and I was given my first good job. I paid my way through high school and into junior college. I owe everything to Gerald Ford. That is why this is so sad.
Media: We had no idea of the role Gerald Ford played in your life. When did you first meet the President?
Pujols: Well, he was not the president at the time. He was actually the manager. He was quite helpful to me, and I think I met him in 1989 when I first came to America.
Media: The manager of what, Albert?
Pujols: Well the manager of Gerald Ford. His name was Roscoe Johnson. Mr. Johnson was so nice to us. Like I said, he even game me my first job washing cars on the sales lot. I only made a few dollars an hour, but it was more money that I was used to. My family is so appreciative of what Gerald Ford did for us.
Media: Albert, you aren't talking about the Gerald Ford dealership out by Grandview in suburban Kansas City, are you?
Pujols: Well, yeah, man. I heard that the place died. You know, I got my first Ford from that place and ... hey, where are you all going?
Media: We are all going home. Clearly there is some mistake, you complete moron. You called us here for something so stupid, it is incomprehensible. The car dealership known as Gerald Ford is, presumably, still open for business. Gerald Ford, the 38th president of the United States, died. I assume you never met the man?
Pujols: Well, no. [pause] So, you are saying that Gerald Ford is still open? Oh, happy day! I am so relieved.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Suzy Kolber's new hairdoo top NFL story in St. Louis
Suzy Kolber, the sideline reporter for Monday Night Football, got a new haircut this past week (or maybe it was sooner, but I didn't notice). She has long been known for her gigantic, thick, helmet of a harido, and it had become her trademark look. In fact, there are several websites dedicated to Kolber-worship in one way or another. Suzy is a seasoned and respected reporter, and was a party to one of the finest on-air off-the-field moments ever in Jets history. Personally, Stlsports liked the old haircut, since it added an air of mystery to her. Now, it is clear that she is really not all that good looking and I am glad that I decided to stick with my wife after all. So why is this news? Because this is all that anyone can talk about at Rams park, and that seems to upset some members of the current Rams team.
Running back Steven Jackson, who is having the break out season that he promised, scored the overtime game-winning touchdown at home against the Washington [un-P.C. term] football team last Sunday at home. No one in town watched the game on television, since the game did not sell out by the Thursday deadline, and instead the local fans were forced to watch two really good teams who will both likely be in the playoffs compete in an excellent game. Too bad the Rams picked the blacked-out game to put on such an excellent performance, because no one in town seems to be talking about it. Only Suzy Kolber's hairdo and opinions on the same were the topics of discussion. Jackson, reached for comment on the Kolber haircut situation, noted, "I am so sick of hearing about that woman. Why aren't we talking about my play this past weekend? There is a little something called the playoffs that we are in contention for, and I would like to know if anyone has any questions relating to the playoffs."
In response to Jackson's tirade, Rams beat writer for the Post-Dispatch, Jim Thomas, asked the running back if he thought Kolber should go back to wearing her hair in a giant poof for the playoffs or if the new wavy, sexy doo was a better option. Jackson only replied with profanities, and then wondered out loud why no one in the locker room cared about the Rams' playoff chances.
Quarterback Marc Bulger, always being diplomatic in the locker room, added, "Well, I admit that the chances of us getting into the playoffs are pretty remote. And by 'pretty remote', I mean meteor hitting the earth and exploding nothing but gold nuggets into my pickup truck, while simultaneously striking oil on my front lawn. Pretty remote, indeed. But Steven has a right to be upset. He has really worked hard half of the season or so and deserves more respect. We should be talking to him about the playoffs, or whatever, and not Suzy Kolber's terrible new doo. Man, I would have hooked up with her in a second beforehand, but now, the mystery is all gone. I don't know if I like it. Suzy, you used to be a little cuter but now, I don't think it's you, babe."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Running back Steven Jackson, who is having the break out season that he promised, scored the overtime game-winning touchdown at home against the Washington [un-P.C. term] football team last Sunday at home. No one in town watched the game on television, since the game did not sell out by the Thursday deadline, and instead the local fans were forced to watch two really good teams who will both likely be in the playoffs compete in an excellent game. Too bad the Rams picked the blacked-out game to put on such an excellent performance, because no one in town seems to be talking about it. Only Suzy Kolber's hairdo and opinions on the same were the topics of discussion. Jackson, reached for comment on the Kolber haircut situation, noted, "I am so sick of hearing about that woman. Why aren't we talking about my play this past weekend? There is a little something called the playoffs that we are in contention for, and I would like to know if anyone has any questions relating to the playoffs."
In response to Jackson's tirade, Rams beat writer for the Post-Dispatch, Jim Thomas, asked the running back if he thought Kolber should go back to wearing her hair in a giant poof for the playoffs or if the new wavy, sexy doo was a better option. Jackson only replied with profanities, and then wondered out loud why no one in the locker room cared about the Rams' playoff chances.
Quarterback Marc Bulger, always being diplomatic in the locker room, added, "Well, I admit that the chances of us getting into the playoffs are pretty remote. And by 'pretty remote', I mean meteor hitting the earth and exploding nothing but gold nuggets into my pickup truck, while simultaneously striking oil on my front lawn. Pretty remote, indeed. But Steven has a right to be upset. He has really worked hard half of the season or so and deserves more respect. We should be talking to him about the playoffs, or whatever, and not Suzy Kolber's terrible new doo. Man, I would have hooked up with her in a second beforehand, but now, the mystery is all gone. I don't know if I like it. Suzy, you used to be a little cuter but now, I don't think it's you, babe."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Monday, December 25, 2006
Merry Christmas from Stlsports!
Merry Christmas!
The wife kicked some major ass this year. I scored The Baseball Book from Sports Illustrated and a framed photo print from the World Series celebration. She also got me a zip up Cardinals sweatshirt, in my size and in my style. She should be commended.
Hope everyone had a safe and pleasant holiday! Busy sports week coming up!
The wife kicked some major ass this year. I scored The Baseball Book from Sports Illustrated and a framed photo print from the World Series celebration. She also got me a zip up Cardinals sweatshirt, in my size and in my style. She should be commended.
Hope everyone had a safe and pleasant holiday! Busy sports week coming up!
Friday, December 22, 2006
Happy Festivus from Stlsports!
Here at Stlsports, we wish you a joyous and safe Festivus, just a day early. While the true origins of the holiday are debatable, no one can deny the merit of getting everything out in the open. Local sports figures have joined in the Festivus spirit by participating in the rich tradition of the Airing of Grievances, as excerpted below. Hope you are all ready for the celebration! Enjoy!
Bill DeWitt to the St. Louis City Fire Marshall: You disappointed me by not letting me squeeze more seats into that stadium! Do you know how much money your precious little 'Fire Code' costs me each game?
Jason Marquis to the 2006 Cardinals Offense: You caused me great disappointment by not providing me with run support in excess of ten runs per game, and thus costing me millions! Thank God for the crazy Cubbies!
Brad Soderberg to Tyler Hansborough: I am very very disappointed with your choice to attend North Carolina. What kind of future do you expect down there? This is the big time, here in St. Louis! You fool!
Rams front office to ticket scaplers: Why could'nt you buy up the rest of those tickets against Washington this weekend? Now the game is blacked out and the St. Louis football fans will have to watch a really good game for once and see how nice things are going in other towns! Damn you!
Mark Mulder to his physicians: I am disappointed that you did not give me the bionic robot arm that was promised in the pre-surgery brochure. Now I have to negotiate with these loser teams. Thanks a lot, Dr. Quack!
Mike Kitchen to the Blues front office: My disappointment in you lies in the fact that you would not buy me out of my contract sooner than you did. Now I have missed the prime Canadian fly fishing season. And for what? To be at the helm of that quote-unquote team for a few extra weeks?
P.F.L.A.G. to the Rams: Our disappointment lies in the incredible statistics that show that there are zero gay or lesbian head coaches in the NFL, and the Rams did not interview even one gay or lesbian head coach this past offseason. This blatant discrimination is inbominable and has to be changed.
Alex Barron to Richie Incognito: I am disappointed in all of the stupid penalties that you get that cost this team field position and kill drives. You stink.
The guy who wears the Fredbird suit to Mark Lamping: What disappointment I feel in that you couldn't spring to get this suit drycleaned even once! Do you know how stinky that costume got by mid-October? And how about putting a fan or something in there?
Rick Ankiel to the Cardinals: I am disappointed you cut me. Thanks for nothing.
The Cardinals to Rick Ankiel: Don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you, you staggering disappointment of a nutcase.
John Davison to the St. Louis community: I am disappointed in your attendance. Why aren't you supporting us carte blanche? What did we do to deserve this? [pause] Oh, yeah, that's right, now I remember. Wow, I guess we DO deserve this.
St. Louis community to the NFL: We are all disappointed in the NFL Network money-grab exploitation. Kiss our collective butts!
Stlsports to Willis McGahee, Edgerrin James, Santana Moss, Jake Delhomme, Byron Leftwich, Musin Mohammed, and Derrick Mason: Thanks for the disappointing fantasy season, losers. My 4-9 team wouldn't have been all it could be without all of you giving your very best half-assed performance this year. You are all on my 'list'.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Bill DeWitt to the St. Louis City Fire Marshall: You disappointed me by not letting me squeeze more seats into that stadium! Do you know how much money your precious little 'Fire Code' costs me each game?
Jason Marquis to the 2006 Cardinals Offense: You caused me great disappointment by not providing me with run support in excess of ten runs per game, and thus costing me millions! Thank God for the crazy Cubbies!
Brad Soderberg to Tyler Hansborough: I am very very disappointed with your choice to attend North Carolina. What kind of future do you expect down there? This is the big time, here in St. Louis! You fool!
Rams front office to ticket scaplers: Why could'nt you buy up the rest of those tickets against Washington this weekend? Now the game is blacked out and the St. Louis football fans will have to watch a really good game for once and see how nice things are going in other towns! Damn you!
Mark Mulder to his physicians: I am disappointed that you did not give me the bionic robot arm that was promised in the pre-surgery brochure. Now I have to negotiate with these loser teams. Thanks a lot, Dr. Quack!
Mike Kitchen to the Blues front office: My disappointment in you lies in the fact that you would not buy me out of my contract sooner than you did. Now I have missed the prime Canadian fly fishing season. And for what? To be at the helm of that quote-unquote team for a few extra weeks?
P.F.L.A.G. to the Rams: Our disappointment lies in the incredible statistics that show that there are zero gay or lesbian head coaches in the NFL, and the Rams did not interview even one gay or lesbian head coach this past offseason. This blatant discrimination is inbominable and has to be changed.
Alex Barron to Richie Incognito: I am disappointed in all of the stupid penalties that you get that cost this team field position and kill drives. You stink.
The guy who wears the Fredbird suit to Mark Lamping: What disappointment I feel in that you couldn't spring to get this suit drycleaned even once! Do you know how stinky that costume got by mid-October? And how about putting a fan or something in there?
Rick Ankiel to the Cardinals: I am disappointed you cut me. Thanks for nothing.
The Cardinals to Rick Ankiel: Don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you, you staggering disappointment of a nutcase.
John Davison to the St. Louis community: I am disappointed in your attendance. Why aren't you supporting us carte blanche? What did we do to deserve this? [pause] Oh, yeah, that's right, now I remember. Wow, I guess we DO deserve this.
St. Louis community to the NFL: We are all disappointed in the NFL Network money-grab exploitation. Kiss our collective butts!
Stlsports to Willis McGahee, Edgerrin James, Santana Moss, Jake Delhomme, Byron Leftwich, Musin Mohammed, and Derrick Mason: Thanks for the disappointing fantasy season, losers. My 4-9 team wouldn't have been all it could be without all of you giving your very best half-assed performance this year. You are all on my 'list'.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Fan / alumnus reaction to Missouri State loss
Actual conversation I had with Flapjack this afternoon. It should be noted that Flapjack went to Missouri State University.
Stlsports: Hello?
Flapjack: So SLU cheated, did you hear?
Stlsports: I don't think that there was any cheating.
Flapjack: Totally cheating.
Stlsports: The fact that the ref might have missed the call, all because of what a recently-released "scout tape" shows, while Soderberg quietly waited for the decision, is cheating? Do you even know the definition of the word 'cheating'?
Flapjack: This just gives more fuel to those Billiken sympathizers at the Post-Dispatch. Did you read Burwell? Or Miklasz? They do anything they can to talk about SLU like it is Notre Dame or Boston College.
Stlsports: What are you talking about? I don't think you and I are reading the same newspapers.
Flapjack: They said SLU would've made a mistake joining the Missouri Valley Conference, compared to the A-10! The MVC is totally a better basketball conference.
Stlsports: Again, I don't think we are reading the same articles. That's not what it said. Sometimes you make no sense.
[pause]
Flapjack: Hey, what are you doing tonight? Wanna go over to Schlafly [Tap Room] and have some beers tonight?
Stlsports: Hello?
Flapjack: So SLU cheated, did you hear?
Stlsports: I don't think that there was any cheating.
Flapjack: Totally cheating.
Stlsports: The fact that the ref might have missed the call, all because of what a recently-released "scout tape" shows, while Soderberg quietly waited for the decision, is cheating? Do you even know the definition of the word 'cheating'?
Flapjack: This just gives more fuel to those Billiken sympathizers at the Post-Dispatch. Did you read Burwell? Or Miklasz? They do anything they can to talk about SLU like it is Notre Dame or Boston College.
Stlsports: What are you talking about? I don't think you and I are reading the same newspapers.
Flapjack: They said SLU would've made a mistake joining the Missouri Valley Conference, compared to the A-10! The MVC is totally a better basketball conference.
Stlsports: Again, I don't think we are reading the same articles. That's not what it said. Sometimes you make no sense.
[pause]
Flapjack: Hey, what are you doing tonight? Wanna go over to Schlafly [Tap Room] and have some beers tonight?
Special Edition: Phoenix bureau
Actual conversation I had with a Phoenix taxicab driver yesterday, while on the way to the airport to get the hell out of that damned desert:
Phoenix Taxicab Driver: Are you headed home for the holidays?
Stlsports: No, actually I am from St. Louis and here on a one day business trip.
Phoenix Taxicab Driver: Saint Louis, huh? Hey, would you [referring undoubtedly to St. Louis in general] mind taking the Cardinals back?
Stlsports: No thanks.
Phoenix Taxicab Driver: Well what about the Bidwells?
Stlsports: No, you can keep them too.
Phoenix Taxicab Driver: I don't know much about football, but I know it's hard to throw the football when you are on your back all the time.
Stlsports: Well observed.
Phoenix Taxicab Driver: Thanks, by the way, for that home opener.
Stlsports: No problem. A vision of things to come for that nice new stadium.
What a sad man. But then I got thinking: What if the Greatest Show on Turf never happened? Say the Faulk deal never happens and Kurt Warner doesn't get promoted from backup. Would I be telling someone from Los Angeles if they would like the pitiful Rams back? How about that nutbar owner Georgia? Food for thought. Glad to be back home.
Phoenix Taxicab Driver: Are you headed home for the holidays?
Stlsports: No, actually I am from St. Louis and here on a one day business trip.
Phoenix Taxicab Driver: Saint Louis, huh? Hey, would you [referring undoubtedly to St. Louis in general] mind taking the Cardinals back?
Stlsports: No thanks.
Phoenix Taxicab Driver: Well what about the Bidwells?
Stlsports: No, you can keep them too.
Phoenix Taxicab Driver: I don't know much about football, but I know it's hard to throw the football when you are on your back all the time.
Stlsports: Well observed.
Phoenix Taxicab Driver: Thanks, by the way, for that home opener.
Stlsports: No problem. A vision of things to come for that nice new stadium.
What a sad man. But then I got thinking: What if the Greatest Show on Turf never happened? Say the Faulk deal never happens and Kurt Warner doesn't get promoted from backup. Would I be telling someone from Los Angeles if they would like the pitiful Rams back? How about that nutbar owner Georgia? Food for thought. Glad to be back home.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
SLU beats MSU, but not the good one
Saint Louis University has been making significant strides in the past few seasons to advance the national (and local) image of the men's basketball team. For the first time in a while, the team is off to a hot start and has put together a promising season. With what is anticipated to be a below average conference schedule, the importance of the early season non-conference games cannot be overlooked if SLU has any ambitions to return to the NCAA tournament in March. Some quality wins over good opponents would certainly help, and the Billikens were poised to take on MSU at ScottTrade Center yesterday. Much to their surprise, a team other than Michigan State showed up to the arena, and SLU reluctantly beat them instead.
Just recently South West Missouri State University decided that directionally-names schools are not cool. North East Missouri State University, striving to get potential students to not realize that the school is located in NE MO (God-forsaken Kirksville, to be exact) changed its name to Truman State in the late 1990s. SWMSU thought that it would be a good idea to keep directions out of its name as well and, after years' of battling in the state legislature, the name was only recently changed to Missouri State University, or MSU for short. Too bad for MSU, but several other NCAA Division I schools are already initialed MSU, and this can lead to confusion, as it did the other day.
Said Billikens head coach Brad Soderberg, "I heard we had MSU coming up and I watched a ton of tape. I was pretty amped up to play Michigan State, such a presigious basketball program, but when I heard it wasn't going to be them, I assumed it would be Mississippi State, and no it wasn't them either. Montana State seemed like it might be too small to play us but I was willing to deal with it, but it was not them either. Someone then mentioned that SWMSU changed its name and I remembered seeing something about that in the paper a while back. Oh well the bottom line is we had to beat them instead of some other MSU team. All the same I guess. I still would have liked to get a crack at the real MSU, you know, the one in Michigan."
The game was exciting for all, except local Michigan State alums who showed up to cheer on their team. Several thousand were in attendance. Noted one alumnus, "To say the least, I was pissed off. Who falsely advertised this as a MSU game? This is not MSU! There is only one real MSU! So I booed those Missouri State kids up and down the court, with the rest of us true MSU fans. We show up in force. I think the booing and heckling from the MSU fans won the game for the Billikens, I really do. Serves them right for stealing our name!"
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Just recently South West Missouri State University decided that directionally-names schools are not cool. North East Missouri State University, striving to get potential students to not realize that the school is located in NE MO (God-forsaken Kirksville, to be exact) changed its name to Truman State in the late 1990s. SWMSU thought that it would be a good idea to keep directions out of its name as well and, after years' of battling in the state legislature, the name was only recently changed to Missouri State University, or MSU for short. Too bad for MSU, but several other NCAA Division I schools are already initialed MSU, and this can lead to confusion, as it did the other day.
Said Billikens head coach Brad Soderberg, "I heard we had MSU coming up and I watched a ton of tape. I was pretty amped up to play Michigan State, such a presigious basketball program, but when I heard it wasn't going to be them, I assumed it would be Mississippi State, and no it wasn't them either. Montana State seemed like it might be too small to play us but I was willing to deal with it, but it was not them either. Someone then mentioned that SWMSU changed its name and I remembered seeing something about that in the paper a while back. Oh well the bottom line is we had to beat them instead of some other MSU team. All the same I guess. I still would have liked to get a crack at the real MSU, you know, the one in Michigan."
The game was exciting for all, except local Michigan State alums who showed up to cheer on their team. Several thousand were in attendance. Noted one alumnus, "To say the least, I was pissed off. Who falsely advertised this as a MSU game? This is not MSU! There is only one real MSU! So I booed those Missouri State kids up and down the court, with the rest of us true MSU fans. We show up in force. I think the booing and heckling from the MSU fans won the game for the Billikens, I really do. Serves them right for stealing our name!"
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Assless chaps makes unacceptable attire list
The St. Louis Blues, in an effort to revamp a struggling team, have fired former head coach Mike Kitchen and replaced him with veteran coach Andy Murray. Kitchen's previous coaching experience was limited to assisting Joel Quenville with the Blues, and, while he is universally liked, he is not considered to be head coaching material. As is the case in most professional sports, onet team's trash is another's treasure, and after a few months of unemployment, subsequent to a firing from the Los Angeles Kings, the Blues called Murray in for an interview and hired him soon thereafter.
One of the first things on Andy Murray's agenda is to clean up some of the poor behavior in the locker room. Several veterans have been making messes and not cleaning them up, while others are pushing around the rookies a little too much, and efforts have been made to curb those issues. Loud music and profanity has been reduced by Murray's initiatives. Additionally, the players are to show up to and leave from games in suits. Murray expressed frustration at the clothing options that several players have been choosing.
Particularly troubling for Murray has been Doug Weight's habit of showing up to games at the arena in assless chaps and a 'No Fat Chicks' t-shirt. "I don't know what sort of stuff he picked up in Carolina," noted Murray, referring to Weight's brief stint there at the end of last season and into the playoffs, "but that is just plain unacceptable. At least he has had the common courtesy to wear jean cut-off hotpants under the chaps, but that is a little deranged for hockey players."
In addition to Weight's clothing choices, Bill Guerin has been wearing a woman's girdle under his sweatshirts. Guerin, reached for comment, said, "The men's girdle's aren't as soft on my skin, and I have sensitive skin. Look, I am old and I have a little bit of a pooch. Let's not discuss it, please." Other changes include veteran winger Jamal Mayers, who has been rumored to have nothing on under that body length trenchcoat that has become his trademark appearance, and defenseman Barrett Jackman, whose Halloween 'tube sock' incident need not be retold here.
Coach Murray noted, "This is about putting a respectable team on the ice. It starts with looking acceptable off the ice, not like some looney toon from San Francisco or something."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
One of the first things on Andy Murray's agenda is to clean up some of the poor behavior in the locker room. Several veterans have been making messes and not cleaning them up, while others are pushing around the rookies a little too much, and efforts have been made to curb those issues. Loud music and profanity has been reduced by Murray's initiatives. Additionally, the players are to show up to and leave from games in suits. Murray expressed frustration at the clothing options that several players have been choosing.
Particularly troubling for Murray has been Doug Weight's habit of showing up to games at the arena in assless chaps and a 'No Fat Chicks' t-shirt. "I don't know what sort of stuff he picked up in Carolina," noted Murray, referring to Weight's brief stint there at the end of last season and into the playoffs, "but that is just plain unacceptable. At least he has had the common courtesy to wear jean cut-off hotpants under the chaps, but that is a little deranged for hockey players."
In addition to Weight's clothing choices, Bill Guerin has been wearing a woman's girdle under his sweatshirts. Guerin, reached for comment, said, "The men's girdle's aren't as soft on my skin, and I have sensitive skin. Look, I am old and I have a little bit of a pooch. Let's not discuss it, please." Other changes include veteran winger Jamal Mayers, who has been rumored to have nothing on under that body length trenchcoat that has become his trademark appearance, and defenseman Barrett Jackman, whose Halloween 'tube sock' incident need not be retold here.
Coach Murray noted, "This is about putting a respectable team on the ice. It starts with looking acceptable off the ice, not like some looney toon from San Francisco or something."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Monday, December 18, 2006
Special Edition: Rejected Sports Headlines [Part 5]
More rejected headlines from the area's leading sports satire blog:
LaRussa cracks top five mullet listing [I wrote the title and never got back to it. Then I realized he didn't really have much of a mullet anymore. Reminds me of the time we went to the Monster Truck show with the disposable mullet cam ... another time perhaps.]
Full of profanities and inappropriate photographs, Scott Rolen's MySpace page taken down [He seems so wholesome and midwest, he was the right candidate to nominate for a terms-of-use violation on MySpace.]
Leonard Little signs three year taxicab endorsement [Too bad he wasn't elected to the ProBowl this season. Too bad I keep referring to his off the field issues.]
Holiday family poker game turns ugly [My in-laws have holiday family poker games several times a year, and there is rarely any trouble, despite the incredible amount of drinking that is going on. One day, a brawl will break out on a really really bad beat to a sloppy drunk idiot, and I hope I am not that idiot.]
Beer makes hockey bearable [The thing is, beer actually makes hockey just as unbearable right now as it would be sober. I cannot believe they stink this badly.]
Monday Night Football Surprise: Kevin Curtis graduated from Bovine University [If you missed the Simpsons episode where Lisa swears off meat, this makes no sense. Even if you saw that one, this is still pretty dumb.]
Blues anticipate being eliminated from playoffs by Friday [Of course they are not mathematically eliminated, at least not yet, but that is a small triviality.]
Rams looking to trade down in first round for defensive bust [This joke was used as a sub-line in a previous post, so no need to reuse it.]
Zito: Sure, I'd pitch for the Cardinals. If winged monkey's came out of Jocketty's ass! Carrying millions of dollars to me! [You needed to have seen the LaRussa 'har-de-har-har' 'Barry Zito' press conference for this to make any sense. The title was longer in draft.]
Concerned Rams see no obvious high risk, high talent players available [Did I mention my dislike for the Rams' drafting?]
Twenty story neon sign to replace very undersized Hardee's sign at Busch [The Hardee's sign at Busch right now can be seen from space.]
Just like old times, Blues cannot beat Red Wings with Hull in the building [I am sure the Blues' record with Hull against Detroit is actually not so bad.]
So Taguchi: Where was that million dollar posting process when I came over? [Referencing D-Matz and the BoSox's absurd price paid to talk to the dude.]
Suppan, encouraged by Marquis, waiting for crazy offer [This headline has no place on a satire sports blog, of course, because it is completely true.]
Magnum condums found in white player's locker raise eyebrows [This is a family blog, and there is no room for those kind of jokes here.]
WNBA expansion group laughed out of city council meeting [Again, this might actually happen in real life.]
Marshall Faulk finally punches Michael Irvin in the face live on NFL Network [I wish this would happen, but it won't. Not that anyone here would be able to see it, anyway.]
'Tough Actin' Tinactin, when sprayed on Pujols' flaming feet, only worsens the problem [Why is spraying aerosol on an open flame on human flesh a good idea? Oh, wait, this was suggested by John Madden.]
Competitive sports video gamer unable to back up smack talking with game play [Talking trash to video game opponents? Studly. Totally studly.]
After saving a dying child on-air, Kornheiser still disliked by viewers [Why people dislike him so much, I will never know. So he's not Howard Cosell. At least he's not Dennis Miller.]
Torry Holt wears unfly suit in post-game interview [He's well dressed, in case you haven't noticed.]
College rugby tournament suspended due to beer shortage [This, again, probably has actually happened.]
[These stories would have been satires of public figures.]
LaRussa cracks top five mullet listing [I wrote the title and never got back to it. Then I realized he didn't really have much of a mullet anymore. Reminds me of the time we went to the Monster Truck show with the disposable mullet cam ... another time perhaps.]
Full of profanities and inappropriate photographs, Scott Rolen's MySpace page taken down [He seems so wholesome and midwest, he was the right candidate to nominate for a terms-of-use violation on MySpace.]
Leonard Little signs three year taxicab endorsement [Too bad he wasn't elected to the ProBowl this season. Too bad I keep referring to his off the field issues.]
Holiday family poker game turns ugly [My in-laws have holiday family poker games several times a year, and there is rarely any trouble, despite the incredible amount of drinking that is going on. One day, a brawl will break out on a really really bad beat to a sloppy drunk idiot, and I hope I am not that idiot.]
Beer makes hockey bearable [The thing is, beer actually makes hockey just as unbearable right now as it would be sober. I cannot believe they stink this badly.]
Monday Night Football Surprise: Kevin Curtis graduated from Bovine University [If you missed the Simpsons episode where Lisa swears off meat, this makes no sense. Even if you saw that one, this is still pretty dumb.]
Blues anticipate being eliminated from playoffs by Friday [Of course they are not mathematically eliminated, at least not yet, but that is a small triviality.]
Rams looking to trade down in first round for defensive bust [This joke was used as a sub-line in a previous post, so no need to reuse it.]
Zito: Sure, I'd pitch for the Cardinals. If winged monkey's came out of Jocketty's ass! Carrying millions of dollars to me! [You needed to have seen the LaRussa 'har-de-har-har' 'Barry Zito' press conference for this to make any sense. The title was longer in draft.]
Concerned Rams see no obvious high risk, high talent players available [Did I mention my dislike for the Rams' drafting?]
Twenty story neon sign to replace very undersized Hardee's sign at Busch [The Hardee's sign at Busch right now can be seen from space.]
Just like old times, Blues cannot beat Red Wings with Hull in the building [I am sure the Blues' record with Hull against Detroit is actually not so bad.]
So Taguchi: Where was that million dollar posting process when I came over? [Referencing D-Matz and the BoSox's absurd price paid to talk to the dude.]
Suppan, encouraged by Marquis, waiting for crazy offer [This headline has no place on a satire sports blog, of course, because it is completely true.]
Magnum condums found in white player's locker raise eyebrows [This is a family blog, and there is no room for those kind of jokes here.]
WNBA expansion group laughed out of city council meeting [Again, this might actually happen in real life.]
Marshall Faulk finally punches Michael Irvin in the face live on NFL Network [I wish this would happen, but it won't. Not that anyone here would be able to see it, anyway.]
'Tough Actin' Tinactin, when sprayed on Pujols' flaming feet, only worsens the problem [Why is spraying aerosol on an open flame on human flesh a good idea? Oh, wait, this was suggested by John Madden.]
Competitive sports video gamer unable to back up smack talking with game play [Talking trash to video game opponents? Studly. Totally studly.]
After saving a dying child on-air, Kornheiser still disliked by viewers [Why people dislike him so much, I will never know. So he's not Howard Cosell. At least he's not Dennis Miller.]
Torry Holt wears unfly suit in post-game interview [He's well dressed, in case you haven't noticed.]
College rugby tournament suspended due to beer shortage [This, again, probably has actually happened.]
[These stories would have been satires of public figures.]
Friday, December 15, 2006
Alex Barron preemptively called for five false start penalties
The Rams have a tough test this weekend, and not just because they are playing on the road. While it is true that the Rams are playing the putrid Oakland Raiders in the Ex-Los Angeles Relocation Bowl, there are bigger problems for the team to face down besides their terrible track record away from the Dome during the seasons past. It is the inconsistent play of the Rams' offensive line, which has been plagued by penalties and errors in the past few weeks. The league officials assigned to this spectacle have already prepared for this upcoming game by preemptively calling offensive tackle Alex Barron for five false start penalties, two days before the game takes place.
Noted head coach Scott Linehan, "I am just glad that they did not mix in a couple holding penalties, because it would not surprise me if that was to happen a few times this Sunday as well. Toss in some Richie Incognito illegal blocks and an unsportsmanlike conduct flag, and you've got yourself an O-line." When asked if he thought it was highly inappropriate for the league to penalize Barron for penalties he has not yet committed, and very well might not commit, he replied, "Frankly, after what I have seen in practice this week, five false starts might get us off a little easy."
Confronted with the situation, team president John Shaw commented, "Seriously, things are getting a little nuts here, having watched these games and from what I have seen in practices." He continued, "I wonder if [punter] Matt Turk can pass block without getting a penalty on a drive. That might be something new for us to try. I know Steven Jackson loves picking up the pass rushers that move through the revolving door between Incognito and Barron. We could have him move up to the line to block."
The Rams have asked the league officiating crew if the false start penalties could all be enforced simultaneously on the opening drive in the hopes that Barron doesn't hurt the Rams too badly in this game, throughout the game. Linehan noted, "I think we can deal with a first and forty to start the game. Those penalties really kill drives and by putting them together early on, we can work with it from there. Even though this seems rediculous, it is a huge advantage for us. Later in the game when he is jumping out of his shoes at the defensive linemen taunting, we will still be in great shape because of the referees' ingenuity. Really, this is a great innovation for the league."
In a seemingly unrelated story, Chris Henry of the Cincinnati Bengals was preemptively arrested for gun charges yesterday, Rams defensive end Leonard Little was preemptively ticketed for an undisclosed driving offense (which was later dismissed), and LaDanian Tomlinson was preemptively suspended by the league for using an as of yet undetectable banned performance enhancing substance.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Noted head coach Scott Linehan, "I am just glad that they did not mix in a couple holding penalties, because it would not surprise me if that was to happen a few times this Sunday as well. Toss in some Richie Incognito illegal blocks and an unsportsmanlike conduct flag, and you've got yourself an O-line." When asked if he thought it was highly inappropriate for the league to penalize Barron for penalties he has not yet committed, and very well might not commit, he replied, "Frankly, after what I have seen in practice this week, five false starts might get us off a little easy."
Confronted with the situation, team president John Shaw commented, "Seriously, things are getting a little nuts here, having watched these games and from what I have seen in practices." He continued, "I wonder if [punter] Matt Turk can pass block without getting a penalty on a drive. That might be something new for us to try. I know Steven Jackson loves picking up the pass rushers that move through the revolving door between Incognito and Barron. We could have him move up to the line to block."
The Rams have asked the league officiating crew if the false start penalties could all be enforced simultaneously on the opening drive in the hopes that Barron doesn't hurt the Rams too badly in this game, throughout the game. Linehan noted, "I think we can deal with a first and forty to start the game. Those penalties really kill drives and by putting them together early on, we can work with it from there. Even though this seems rediculous, it is a huge advantage for us. Later in the game when he is jumping out of his shoes at the defensive linemen taunting, we will still be in great shape because of the referees' ingenuity. Really, this is a great innovation for the league."
In a seemingly unrelated story, Chris Henry of the Cincinnati Bengals was preemptively arrested for gun charges yesterday, Rams defensive end Leonard Little was preemptively ticketed for an undisclosed driving offense (which was later dismissed), and LaDanian Tomlinson was preemptively suspended by the league for using an as of yet undetectable banned performance enhancing substance.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Troy Smith and Brady Quinn rooting for the Rams
With the latest Rams loss, the team has dropped into the bottom third of the league ranking in wins, putting them in the top third of the potential order for next spring's football entry draft. The worse the team performs, the better their draft position. While many members of the Rams do actually have some pride in their jobs, there is a call to let some backups play and give time to rookies since the playoffs are now seemingly out of reach. At least a couple high profile football athletes are rooting for the Rams: Brady Quinn and Troy Smith.
Last season, in what was essentially a meaningless game for the Rams, the team pulled of an end of the year upset over the Dallas Cowboys. This was a morale boost to a tired and depleted Rams squad and knocked the Cowboys out of contention for a playoff spot. However, this also moved the team down a handful of spots in the draft. Had they remained in the top six picks, it was widely believed that the team would have taken tight end Vernon Davis in the first round. Instead, the Rams decided to trade their later pick to move down and take cornerback Tye Hill. During the draft last spring, the team played with the idea of taking quarterback Jay Cutler in the first round and general athlete Devon Hester in the second round. This points to a Rams desire to shore up the quarterback position in this spring's draft, and two of the top prospect quarterbacks are turning into Rams fans accordingly.
Said Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn, "I am rooting for the Rams, even against my favorite teams. Getting the Rams into the top seven or eight picks puts me at a risk of being drafted by them, and that would suck ass. That city has no nightlife, no cool beautiful people like me, no sexy ladies, and no attraction to me whatsoever. Plus, that team is a pain in the butt. Maybe under Martz, where I could have thrown the ball like a fool on each down, I could have had fun. But a run-first team? Not for me, no sir. Here I come, sunny and warm Miami! Let's get some more wins, Rams! Get out of that top ten!"
Echoing Quinn's sentiments was Ohio State quarterback and recent recipient of the Heisman Trophy, Troy Smith. He has been projected as a top ten pick, similar to the position that Jay Cutler was in last spring. Noted Smith, "Please oh please oh please don't let me get drafted by those Rams. The weather stinks there and that team is on the decline. I'm sorry to you St. Louis people, but I need to get to some place warmer like Houston, or Miami, or even Oakland. I am so desperate not to be on the Rams that I would go to Oakland. Think about that. Oakland."
The Rams, not flattered with these comments, noted through team president John Shaw, "Well if they don't want us, then we don't want them. Listen, we only make a good first round pick every few seasons. First it was Orlando Pace and then we tanked it for a while. Then someone at the Dallas table told us about Torry Holt so we picked him up. I would say we cannot make a good first round pick until, oh, let's say 2009? Yeah, then we will get a good one. Until then, it is first round defensive busts for us! Wish us luck!"
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Last season, in what was essentially a meaningless game for the Rams, the team pulled of an end of the year upset over the Dallas Cowboys. This was a morale boost to a tired and depleted Rams squad and knocked the Cowboys out of contention for a playoff spot. However, this also moved the team down a handful of spots in the draft. Had they remained in the top six picks, it was widely believed that the team would have taken tight end Vernon Davis in the first round. Instead, the Rams decided to trade their later pick to move down and take cornerback Tye Hill. During the draft last spring, the team played with the idea of taking quarterback Jay Cutler in the first round and general athlete Devon Hester in the second round. This points to a Rams desire to shore up the quarterback position in this spring's draft, and two of the top prospect quarterbacks are turning into Rams fans accordingly.
Said Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn, "I am rooting for the Rams, even against my favorite teams. Getting the Rams into the top seven or eight picks puts me at a risk of being drafted by them, and that would suck ass. That city has no nightlife, no cool beautiful people like me, no sexy ladies, and no attraction to me whatsoever. Plus, that team is a pain in the butt. Maybe under Martz, where I could have thrown the ball like a fool on each down, I could have had fun. But a run-first team? Not for me, no sir. Here I come, sunny and warm Miami! Let's get some more wins, Rams! Get out of that top ten!"
Echoing Quinn's sentiments was Ohio State quarterback and recent recipient of the Heisman Trophy, Troy Smith. He has been projected as a top ten pick, similar to the position that Jay Cutler was in last spring. Noted Smith, "Please oh please oh please don't let me get drafted by those Rams. The weather stinks there and that team is on the decline. I'm sorry to you St. Louis people, but I need to get to some place warmer like Houston, or Miami, or even Oakland. I am so desperate not to be on the Rams that I would go to Oakland. Think about that. Oakland."
The Rams, not flattered with these comments, noted through team president John Shaw, "Well if they don't want us, then we don't want them. Listen, we only make a good first round pick every few seasons. First it was Orlando Pace and then we tanked it for a while. Then someone at the Dallas table told us about Torry Holt so we picked him up. I would say we cannot make a good first round pick until, oh, let's say 2009? Yeah, then we will get a good one. Until then, it is first round defensive busts for us! Wish us luck!"
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Originally a joke, Marquis contract actually binding
Jason Marquis was not the exemplar of fine starting pitching last season. He came close, in the 2006 campaign, to shattering the record for earned run average by a pitcher to lead his league in wins. Just a couple games that might have gone the Cardinals' way and he would be in infamous company. Regardless, Marquis earned a reputation both in the locker room and in the media as someone who refused to listen to coaching. While his talent might have been of high ceiling caliber, his mental state prevented him from attaining his true potential. It was commonly believed that if Leo Mazzone and Dave Duncan could not right his pitching ship, then no one could.
Despite these problems and his inconsistent play and his fastball's inexplicable desire to stay in the top half of the strike zone, the Chicago Cubs have signed Marquis to a three year contract valued at over twenty million dollars total. Many people are baffled, and the Cubs management has been cryptic in their response.
Reached for comment, manager Tony LaRussa mentioned, "Well, there is a sucker born every minute. I don't know what kind of medication they have Hendry on up there," referring to the recovering general manager, who had undergone some medical procedures lately, "but this is not what I would consider to be a smart business move. And believe me I know smart when I see it. I went to law school, you know. I am smart and I know smart when I see it. They don't call me the Supergenius Manager of the Century for nothing." When asked who specifically called him the 'Supergenius Manager of the Century', LaRussa remarked, "My laborador. His name is Steve."
Rumors coming out of Chicago have suggested that Hendry wanted to sign Marquis as a gag gift for new manager Lou Pinella. It turned out that Marquis was not in on the joke and signed a real contract. Pinella, reacting to the news of the joke contract, noted, "Well that IS pretty darn funny. Marquis! Whew, what a good one! That guy has some mental problems, and frankly he can unload his baggage somewhere else." It was then explained to Pinella that the contract turned out to be real, to which he replied, "This is a black day for baseball."
The Marquis scandal has rocked the Cubs media world, which was already struggling to understand why management would ever sign someone like Ted Lilly, a career losing pitcher with a mediocre earned run average to a lengthy contract for eight figures per season, and why a clubhouse pain in the rhumpus like Alfonso Soriano would be signed to one of the largest contracts in baseball history. In response to these rumors, Jim Hendry replied, "Aliens are coming to take over this planet, and I am going to be the ambassador to Jupiter. This I think is all the explanation you should need, and my reasons should be apparent. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a conference call with the aliens in five minutes. And I need to put on this lipstick and these women's clothes."
Despite all of the criticism, Marquis has remained steadfast in his position that this contract was not a frivilous waste of money entered into at the behest of a madman. Jason, when asked what he thought of the deal, explained, "Bwaaahahahahahahahaha!" Asked to elaborate, wiping some tears from his eyes, he continued, "Hahahahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahaha!"
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Despite these problems and his inconsistent play and his fastball's inexplicable desire to stay in the top half of the strike zone, the Chicago Cubs have signed Marquis to a three year contract valued at over twenty million dollars total. Many people are baffled, and the Cubs management has been cryptic in their response.
Reached for comment, manager Tony LaRussa mentioned, "Well, there is a sucker born every minute. I don't know what kind of medication they have Hendry on up there," referring to the recovering general manager, who had undergone some medical procedures lately, "but this is not what I would consider to be a smart business move. And believe me I know smart when I see it. I went to law school, you know. I am smart and I know smart when I see it. They don't call me the Supergenius Manager of the Century for nothing." When asked who specifically called him the 'Supergenius Manager of the Century', LaRussa remarked, "My laborador. His name is Steve."
Rumors coming out of Chicago have suggested that Hendry wanted to sign Marquis as a gag gift for new manager Lou Pinella. It turned out that Marquis was not in on the joke and signed a real contract. Pinella, reacting to the news of the joke contract, noted, "Well that IS pretty darn funny. Marquis! Whew, what a good one! That guy has some mental problems, and frankly he can unload his baggage somewhere else." It was then explained to Pinella that the contract turned out to be real, to which he replied, "This is a black day for baseball."
The Marquis scandal has rocked the Cubs media world, which was already struggling to understand why management would ever sign someone like Ted Lilly, a career losing pitcher with a mediocre earned run average to a lengthy contract for eight figures per season, and why a clubhouse pain in the rhumpus like Alfonso Soriano would be signed to one of the largest contracts in baseball history. In response to these rumors, Jim Hendry replied, "Aliens are coming to take over this planet, and I am going to be the ambassador to Jupiter. This I think is all the explanation you should need, and my reasons should be apparent. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a conference call with the aliens in five minutes. And I need to put on this lipstick and these women's clothes."
Despite all of the criticism, Marquis has remained steadfast in his position that this contract was not a frivilous waste of money entered into at the behest of a madman. Jason, when asked what he thought of the deal, explained, "Bwaaahahahahahahahaha!" Asked to elaborate, wiping some tears from his eyes, he continued, "Hahahahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahaha!"
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Voodoo spell broken, Ankiel finally released
Stunning news came from the St. Louis Cardinals front office earlier today when it was announced that former rookie sensation Rick Ankiel was finally released from the organization. After a phenomenal 2000 rookie campaign, where he was near the top of the league in strikeouts, Ankiel struggled mightily in the playoffs, airmailing five pitches in one inning to the backstop. This performance has often been rumored as the foundation for manager Tony LaRussa's distrust of rookies in critical situations and his hesitation to use them in anything but an emergency. After attempting a couple comebacks as a pitcher, Rick decided in spring training of 2005 that he would remake himself as an outfielder, and the team continued to inexplicably stick with him. Only now, more than six years since his postseason implosion, has the front office finally cut ties with this hack former star. The move has been blamed on one thing: the breaking of a voodoo curse.
During the 2001 season, Ankiel could often be seen in the stands, basking in the glory of his hair gel and tanning booth lines from the box seats. After his offseason procedures, to both his body and his head, rumors were circulating that Rick might be sent packing. The forty man roster only held forty people, and was typically reserved for baseball players and not mental cases. Certain exceptions have been made in the past, but Ankiel was seemingly too risky to keep on the team. Those rumors caused the once-promising prospect to turn to the voodoo ways.
"I used to read the Riverfront Times while in St. Louis. Those back pages are bananas! Well, anyway, I saw some voodoo advertisements that promised to cast a spell on just about anything that I wanted. So I gave the guy a call and he hooked me up. Just a few hundred dollars later, and 'boom', I am on the forty man roster for a few more years." Rick declined to mention which voodoo person he went to see, only stating that he was completely satisfied with the voodoo magic. "As I understand it, voodoo is some kind of religion and not just a funny joke. I also heard that witchcraft is a religion but that they call it wiccan? Is that really true? This is all so strange. I expected to have to bring some eye of newt or something like that, but just eight hundred dollars cash was all he needed."
Team owner Bill DeWitt had little explanation, noting, "Well the last thing I remember about the Ankiel business was calling Walt [Jocketty] to tell him to get that bum off of the forty man roster. Then suddenly, well... I don't really remember what happened. I was completely oblivious to the whole Ankiel issue. Then he stayed on the roster and kept pulling in money. I heard that the voodoo guy died or something and then someone told me what had happened. So we cut his ass loose like we should have years ago. Now we can go about conducting our business sensibly and getting our starting pitching in line. I have looked at the pitchers available and our finances, and I believe we should actively pursue Jeff Fassero and waste no time doing so."
Reached for comment, Fassero noted, "Ankiel called me and recommended voodoo to me. We spent some time bonding on the bench back in the earlier part of this decade. Let me tell you, I love that kid."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
During the 2001 season, Ankiel could often be seen in the stands, basking in the glory of his hair gel and tanning booth lines from the box seats. After his offseason procedures, to both his body and his head, rumors were circulating that Rick might be sent packing. The forty man roster only held forty people, and was typically reserved for baseball players and not mental cases. Certain exceptions have been made in the past, but Ankiel was seemingly too risky to keep on the team. Those rumors caused the once-promising prospect to turn to the voodoo ways.
"I used to read the Riverfront Times while in St. Louis. Those back pages are bananas! Well, anyway, I saw some voodoo advertisements that promised to cast a spell on just about anything that I wanted. So I gave the guy a call and he hooked me up. Just a few hundred dollars later, and 'boom', I am on the forty man roster for a few more years." Rick declined to mention which voodoo person he went to see, only stating that he was completely satisfied with the voodoo magic. "As I understand it, voodoo is some kind of religion and not just a funny joke. I also heard that witchcraft is a religion but that they call it wiccan? Is that really true? This is all so strange. I expected to have to bring some eye of newt or something like that, but just eight hundred dollars cash was all he needed."
Team owner Bill DeWitt had little explanation, noting, "Well the last thing I remember about the Ankiel business was calling Walt [Jocketty] to tell him to get that bum off of the forty man roster. Then suddenly, well... I don't really remember what happened. I was completely oblivious to the whole Ankiel issue. Then he stayed on the roster and kept pulling in money. I heard that the voodoo guy died or something and then someone told me what had happened. So we cut his ass loose like we should have years ago. Now we can go about conducting our business sensibly and getting our starting pitching in line. I have looked at the pitchers available and our finances, and I believe we should actively pursue Jeff Fassero and waste no time doing so."
Reached for comment, Fassero noted, "Ankiel called me and recommended voodoo to me. We spent some time bonding on the bench back in the earlier part of this decade. Let me tell you, I love that kid."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Fan voting experiment goes terribly awry
The Rams have been pretty terrible on special teams the past few seasons, and the team has admitted to making some personnel and coaching gaffes in that department. Not since Az 'Skillet Hands' Hakim has the team been in a position to have reliable returns on kickoffs or punts, and the coverage unit has never really been elite. Under former head coach Mike Martz, special teams was an afterthought, and was accordingly neglected, giving the Rams the worst yards per return in the league in more than one season. Under current head coach Scott Linehan, things have slightly improved. However, the team took a few steps back on Monday night when the Bears returned two kickoffs for touchdowns. The front office has made no bones about who is to blame for these problems: the fans.
The NFL has been experiementing with getting fans more and more involved in the game this season. In many sports, the fans vote for the all stars. In some other fringe sports, the fans can give input on free agent decisions. But the Rams have decided to take this initative in fan interaction and couple that with the moribund special teams play of late to come up with a new idea. During the Monday night game, the Rams fans in attendance were asked to vote for the special teams play about to take place through text messaging on their cellular phones. The special teams, not really deemed all that important, gave the Rams a chance to get the fans involved at minimal cost. Or at least that is what they thought.
The Rams failed to calculate how many Bears fans would be in attendance, essentially dooming the team in the Monday night game, and additionally ensuring that this experiment will stop at one game.
Right after the first quarter Rams touchdown to Torry Holt, the public address anouncer directed everyone to the Jumbotron for a special message from Coach Linehan. He urged the fans to vote for their favorite play, within the time clock, and then he would radio it in to the team on the field. "Text your choice to 45454 and I will send in that play!," noted the pre-recorded message of Linehan. The options were: (a) kick the extra point; (b) go for two points; (c) fake the kick and then go for two; and (d) mess up the snap and get no points.
Said team president John Shaw on the promotion, "Well, dammit, I had no idea there would be so many Bears fans in the stands. As you saw, the 'mess up the snap' option won and that was the play we called. '56 Norwood Blue' was the play and darned if I ever thought I would see the day that one went out to the huddle during a real game."
Shaw also lamented the other later options in the game. "Why we had those kickoff return options up there for the Bears fans to stuff the virtual ballot box is beyond me. I can say we won't be doing that one again." He was making reference to the two kickoffs returned for touchdowns by Bears rookie Devon Hester. Before each kickoff, the fans were asked to select from: (a) deep kick for a touchback ; (b) surprise onside kick; (c) squib it to someone and tackle him immediately; and (d) kick it to Hester and nobody touch him. The Bears fans, living up to their Chicago heritage, voted early and often for the worst options for the Rams, which were believed to have been added to the poll as a joke by team management. The option for no one to touch Hester was selected as the winner twice, and those two scores essentially knocked the Rams out of the game, while simultaneously knocking their playoff chances out the door.
Coach Linehan remains optomistic, noting, "I think that taking the offensive play calling away from myself earlier in the season was a good call. Taking the special teams playcalling away might have been a good idea, but giving it to the fans was not a good idea. However, we can bounce back from this. I have brought in some special tools that I have been assured will help guide this team to a more efficient and balanced special teams attack. I have been hearing great things about the Ouija Board, and you can expect to see it on the sidelines before each special teams play this weekend."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
The NFL has been experiementing with getting fans more and more involved in the game this season. In many sports, the fans vote for the all stars. In some other fringe sports, the fans can give input on free agent decisions. But the Rams have decided to take this initative in fan interaction and couple that with the moribund special teams play of late to come up with a new idea. During the Monday night game, the Rams fans in attendance were asked to vote for the special teams play about to take place through text messaging on their cellular phones. The special teams, not really deemed all that important, gave the Rams a chance to get the fans involved at minimal cost. Or at least that is what they thought.
The Rams failed to calculate how many Bears fans would be in attendance, essentially dooming the team in the Monday night game, and additionally ensuring that this experiment will stop at one game.
Right after the first quarter Rams touchdown to Torry Holt, the public address anouncer directed everyone to the Jumbotron for a special message from Coach Linehan. He urged the fans to vote for their favorite play, within the time clock, and then he would radio it in to the team on the field. "Text your choice to 45454 and I will send in that play!," noted the pre-recorded message of Linehan. The options were: (a) kick the extra point; (b) go for two points; (c) fake the kick and then go for two; and (d) mess up the snap and get no points.
Said team president John Shaw on the promotion, "Well, dammit, I had no idea there would be so many Bears fans in the stands. As you saw, the 'mess up the snap' option won and that was the play we called. '56 Norwood Blue' was the play and darned if I ever thought I would see the day that one went out to the huddle during a real game."
Shaw also lamented the other later options in the game. "Why we had those kickoff return options up there for the Bears fans to stuff the virtual ballot box is beyond me. I can say we won't be doing that one again." He was making reference to the two kickoffs returned for touchdowns by Bears rookie Devon Hester. Before each kickoff, the fans were asked to select from: (a) deep kick for a touchback ; (b) surprise onside kick; (c) squib it to someone and tackle him immediately; and (d) kick it to Hester and nobody touch him. The Bears fans, living up to their Chicago heritage, voted early and often for the worst options for the Rams, which were believed to have been added to the poll as a joke by team management. The option for no one to touch Hester was selected as the winner twice, and those two scores essentially knocked the Rams out of the game, while simultaneously knocking their playoff chances out the door.
Coach Linehan remains optomistic, noting, "I think that taking the offensive play calling away from myself earlier in the season was a good call. Taking the special teams playcalling away might have been a good idea, but giving it to the fans was not a good idea. However, we can bounce back from this. I have brought in some special tools that I have been assured will help guide this team to a more efficient and balanced special teams attack. I have been hearing great things about the Ouija Board, and you can expect to see it on the sidelines before each special teams play this weekend."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Monday, December 11, 2006
Commentary: Stink at golf? Try Golden Tee!
Again Stlsports ventured out onto the St. Louis bar scene, and for once was talked out of the typical sports bar routine. Having just completed a rowdy Chinese restaurant wedding celebration, I was all geared up for a night on the town with the Stlsports high school crew when I got the call to head over to Johnny Gitto's. As this is most certainly not a sports bar, it doesn't really qualify for a sports bar review. But still something magical and sporty managed to creep into my evening that was athletic enough to mention in this blog, and that was the amazing invention that is Golden Tee.
As you will recall, anything remotely associated with sports is considered a sport. Even things that are remotely competitive are sports. The obvious sports involving balls, pucks or wickets are of course sports. Some of the fringe stuff on ESPN also gets the nod, like spelling bees, poker, and lumberjack competitions. I also include oft-debated pseudo-sports such as race car driving, keg throwing, chess, Scrabble, and binge eating. Heck, even some video games can be considered sports, and this leads me to Golden Tee. Johnny Gito's, like 99% of goodtime foodrinkeries in this country, has a Golden Tee machine in it. And there is always some drunk playing it. For the first time in my life last Saturday, I was that drunk.
Video games hold a hallowed place in the mind of Americans. I remember seeing the kid up the street playing Super Mario when it first came out, and it was beautiful. I remember my grandparents letting me rent the Simpsons video game for Nintendo and thinking it was amazing. I recall getting our first family gaming system, the Super Nintendo Entertainment System and plugging in F-Zero for the first time. It was like kissing God. How far we have come that games are so lifelike that you can almost not tell a live game from a video game on the same television. Golden Tee does for golf video gaming what Rock n' Roll Racing did for monster trucks.
Personally, I hate golf. I have a set of clubs, and they came from the thrift store. Since I play so infrequently, I only bought the odd numbered clubs. Why spend the cash on the even ones when the odd ones do so well? I spent ten bucks on the cheapo putter from Sports Authority and another ten bucks on the other ten clubs and the bag. My friend lives on a golf course, so I have an unlimited supply of a hodgepodge of miscellaneous golf balls at my disposal. (It should be noted that this same friend, after playing nine holes with me on his home course, has banned me from ever playing golf with him again for life.) Like Samuel Clemens once penned, "Golf is a good walk spoiled", or something like that. Since I dislike golf and find cheering out loud for it about as stupid as cheering for the Royals and as painful as wiping my ass with sandpaper, Golden Tee is not exactly first on my list of games to play. But, and I hate to admit this, it was kind of fun.
Flapjack bought the game, after I told him that I did not want to play. For only four dollars PER PERSON, you can enjoy an exciting half-round of virtual golf. Also playing was a completely wasted Unkie Herb, who was so lit that he later almost vomited on my sleeping child at three in the morning, having thought that he entered the bathroom. Way to go, Herb. Anyway, the Golden Tee game is pretty simple. You have a big white ball in the center of the console, and this is the main controller, a la Simpsons Bowling, a frequent favorite of mine at Blueberry Hill. Other non-essential buttons were on the side, but this big white ball was the key. It changed clubs, aimed the curve of the shot, did backspin, added or subtracted power and basically was the key to the whole game. Master this white ball and you can master the game.
But like so many games, Golden Tee is completely fully of luck, that is, the need to be lucky. I managed to sink a fifty (virtual) foot putt with a pretty half-assed swipe of the white ball, and suddenly a few drunken idiots came up to me to tell me how awesome the putt was. Quickly, let's review: I was drinking; the shot was half-assed; this guy was definitely drinking; the game is virtual golf; we were in a bar, full of men. Yet, this was something worth celebrating? I thought he would ask for my autograph, or at least but me a drink, the way he was lauding my performance. This is Golden Frickin' Tee, not the Ryder Cup. Golden Tee, where I was +15 after six holes (and not in last place thanks to Herb's incredible drunkeness). Pumped up high fiving drunks telling me how awesome I am? What an amazing game!
The bottom line is, if you don't like golf this game is definitely not for you. If you like drinking and playing boring video games, this is certainly the best thing going for you. I must caution you not to turn into Overzealous Golden Tee Guy. OGTG is the dude who jumps up and high fives after a big shot and then heckles his co-players. He swings the white orb so hard that he hits people behind him at the beginning of the shot and then whacks the screen with his open palm at the end of the shot. He is a complete waste of space, and Stlsports will punch this OGTG in the gut if he runs into him again. And by run into, I mean gets hit on the backswing and then being admonished for messing up his shot while walking past him in a crowded bar. Kiss my butt, OGTG.
Golden Tee deserves less credit, not more. It is a great game for wannabe golfers and actual drunken idiots with several dollars to spend at a time. Why not try Big Game Hunter or some other similar game, where for one simple dollar, you and three friends can shoot rabbits, cougars, cattle, moose and maybe even an elephant? Money more wisely spent. When faced with a dangerous situation, where your life is on the line, will you rely on your Golden Tee skills or the hunting game skills? Think about it.
As you will recall, anything remotely associated with sports is considered a sport. Even things that are remotely competitive are sports. The obvious sports involving balls, pucks or wickets are of course sports. Some of the fringe stuff on ESPN also gets the nod, like spelling bees, poker, and lumberjack competitions. I also include oft-debated pseudo-sports such as race car driving, keg throwing, chess, Scrabble, and binge eating. Heck, even some video games can be considered sports, and this leads me to Golden Tee. Johnny Gito's, like 99% of goodtime foodrinkeries in this country, has a Golden Tee machine in it. And there is always some drunk playing it. For the first time in my life last Saturday, I was that drunk.
Video games hold a hallowed place in the mind of Americans. I remember seeing the kid up the street playing Super Mario when it first came out, and it was beautiful. I remember my grandparents letting me rent the Simpsons video game for Nintendo and thinking it was amazing. I recall getting our first family gaming system, the Super Nintendo Entertainment System and plugging in F-Zero for the first time. It was like kissing God. How far we have come that games are so lifelike that you can almost not tell a live game from a video game on the same television. Golden Tee does for golf video gaming what Rock n' Roll Racing did for monster trucks.
Personally, I hate golf. I have a set of clubs, and they came from the thrift store. Since I play so infrequently, I only bought the odd numbered clubs. Why spend the cash on the even ones when the odd ones do so well? I spent ten bucks on the cheapo putter from Sports Authority and another ten bucks on the other ten clubs and the bag. My friend lives on a golf course, so I have an unlimited supply of a hodgepodge of miscellaneous golf balls at my disposal. (It should be noted that this same friend, after playing nine holes with me on his home course, has banned me from ever playing golf with him again for life.) Like Samuel Clemens once penned, "Golf is a good walk spoiled", or something like that. Since I dislike golf and find cheering out loud for it about as stupid as cheering for the Royals and as painful as wiping my ass with sandpaper, Golden Tee is not exactly first on my list of games to play. But, and I hate to admit this, it was kind of fun.
Flapjack bought the game, after I told him that I did not want to play. For only four dollars PER PERSON, you can enjoy an exciting half-round of virtual golf. Also playing was a completely wasted Unkie Herb, who was so lit that he later almost vomited on my sleeping child at three in the morning, having thought that he entered the bathroom. Way to go, Herb. Anyway, the Golden Tee game is pretty simple. You have a big white ball in the center of the console, and this is the main controller, a la Simpsons Bowling, a frequent favorite of mine at Blueberry Hill. Other non-essential buttons were on the side, but this big white ball was the key. It changed clubs, aimed the curve of the shot, did backspin, added or subtracted power and basically was the key to the whole game. Master this white ball and you can master the game.
But like so many games, Golden Tee is completely fully of luck, that is, the need to be lucky. I managed to sink a fifty (virtual) foot putt with a pretty half-assed swipe of the white ball, and suddenly a few drunken idiots came up to me to tell me how awesome the putt was. Quickly, let's review: I was drinking; the shot was half-assed; this guy was definitely drinking; the game is virtual golf; we were in a bar, full of men. Yet, this was something worth celebrating? I thought he would ask for my autograph, or at least but me a drink, the way he was lauding my performance. This is Golden Frickin' Tee, not the Ryder Cup. Golden Tee, where I was +15 after six holes (and not in last place thanks to Herb's incredible drunkeness). Pumped up high fiving drunks telling me how awesome I am? What an amazing game!
The bottom line is, if you don't like golf this game is definitely not for you. If you like drinking and playing boring video games, this is certainly the best thing going for you. I must caution you not to turn into Overzealous Golden Tee Guy. OGTG is the dude who jumps up and high fives after a big shot and then heckles his co-players. He swings the white orb so hard that he hits people behind him at the beginning of the shot and then whacks the screen with his open palm at the end of the shot. He is a complete waste of space, and Stlsports will punch this OGTG in the gut if he runs into him again. And by run into, I mean gets hit on the backswing and then being admonished for messing up his shot while walking past him in a crowded bar. Kiss my butt, OGTG.
Golden Tee deserves less credit, not more. It is a great game for wannabe golfers and actual drunken idiots with several dollars to spend at a time. Why not try Big Game Hunter or some other similar game, where for one simple dollar, you and three friends can shoot rabbits, cougars, cattle, moose and maybe even an elephant? Money more wisely spent. When faced with a dangerous situation, where your life is on the line, will you rely on your Golden Tee skills or the hunting game skills? Think about it.
Thursday, December 7, 2006
Anti-Bonds riots leave ten dead, dozens missing, hundreds injured
News from the Major League Baseball winter meetings that Saint Louis Cardinals skipper Tony LaRussa requested a sit-down with 'roid-master Barry Bonds has been met with some hostility in St. Louis. Our fair city has seen its fair share of violence, but today people from all walks of life have been rioting in response to the remote possibility that Bonds could join the World Champion Cardinals. From downtown to Creve Coeur, regular citizens have been voicing their anger in the largest riots this country has seen since the Rodney King beating verdicts were released. Even in the wake of news that Bonds will be returning to San Francisco, some members of the area rioting community are dissatisfied and will continue their looting, pillaging and mayhem until their ire is seethed completely.
Mayor Francis Slay, reached for comment, noted, "I was hit on the head with a beer bottle on the way into work today. I know what you are thinking, and no, it was not Dominique Byrd. His ass is in custody. It was some white guy in a suit who had just helped a roving mob flip over a car and set it on fire." Noticably shaken, the mayor continued, "I have never seen such reckelessness, unless of course you count the spending by the public school board, but I digress. This wodespread panic and disorder must be contained. I only wish that I controlled the police, but that is in the governor's hands. See, the antiquated laws from the civil war era put the city police under the control of the governor, so I am essentially impotent here. Maybe that was not the best word... let's say powerless. I don't want to give the wrong idea, if you know what I mean. I am all man."
Team president Mark Lamping has begged the populace to cease its anarchist activities, particularly noting, "This behavior is not something the smartest baseball fans in the country would do. Smart baseball fans would realize that we would never sign Bonds and that the whole LaRussa story was fabricated. Please stop burning and looting. Especially at the Cardinals team store. No more looting there, please! That comes out of my paycheck!"
The San Francisco Giants decided to reclaim the clubhouse cancer that is Barry Bonds with a sixteen million dollar contract for one season, making him wildly overpaid, but not as overpaid as the rest of the idiots getting signed this offseason. As the news of this resigning spread, the violence decreased in the metro area, and only the most zealous and hardcore Cardinal fans and rioters continued their pillaging tirade. Said one criminal, "I have been watching Cardinal baseball all of my life. We had to put up with Tino Martinez, and then they got us Juan Encarnacion. Those were bad moves I could deal with at the time, but to even consider Bonds is so insulting that I have to flip over cars and set them on fire. I am just so mad."
Nancy Pelosi, a congresswoman from San Francisco, added, "I am so happy to see Barry back in my fruity little town. He is so great for the city. I swear, if I was a man, I would marry him in a heartbeat. Barry represents real 'Frisco family values and down-to-earth social responsibility. His attitude and demeanor really play well in my town and we are so lucky to have him. We are all richer for his presence and hopefully he will continue to show us the exceptional character that I have come to appreciate."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Mayor Francis Slay, reached for comment, noted, "I was hit on the head with a beer bottle on the way into work today. I know what you are thinking, and no, it was not Dominique Byrd. His ass is in custody. It was some white guy in a suit who had just helped a roving mob flip over a car and set it on fire." Noticably shaken, the mayor continued, "I have never seen such reckelessness, unless of course you count the spending by the public school board, but I digress. This wodespread panic and disorder must be contained. I only wish that I controlled the police, but that is in the governor's hands. See, the antiquated laws from the civil war era put the city police under the control of the governor, so I am essentially impotent here. Maybe that was not the best word... let's say powerless. I don't want to give the wrong idea, if you know what I mean. I am all man."
Team president Mark Lamping has begged the populace to cease its anarchist activities, particularly noting, "This behavior is not something the smartest baseball fans in the country would do. Smart baseball fans would realize that we would never sign Bonds and that the whole LaRussa story was fabricated. Please stop burning and looting. Especially at the Cardinals team store. No more looting there, please! That comes out of my paycheck!"
The San Francisco Giants decided to reclaim the clubhouse cancer that is Barry Bonds with a sixteen million dollar contract for one season, making him wildly overpaid, but not as overpaid as the rest of the idiots getting signed this offseason. As the news of this resigning spread, the violence decreased in the metro area, and only the most zealous and hardcore Cardinal fans and rioters continued their pillaging tirade. Said one criminal, "I have been watching Cardinal baseball all of my life. We had to put up with Tino Martinez, and then they got us Juan Encarnacion. Those were bad moves I could deal with at the time, but to even consider Bonds is so insulting that I have to flip over cars and set them on fire. I am just so mad."
Nancy Pelosi, a congresswoman from San Francisco, added, "I am so happy to see Barry back in my fruity little town. He is so great for the city. I swear, if I was a man, I would marry him in a heartbeat. Barry represents real 'Frisco family values and down-to-earth social responsibility. His attitude and demeanor really play well in my town and we are so lucky to have him. We are all richer for his presence and hopefully he will continue to show us the exceptional character that I have come to appreciate."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Wednesday, December 6, 2006
Bulger calls out janitor for 'not caring'
Marc Bulger, after the Rams' listless loss to the pathetic Arizona Gridbirds in St. Louis, called out several teammates for not caring about whether the team won or lost. He particularly noted the lack of off-the-field effort of several offensive players, without naming names. Marc added that Bruce, Holt, Jackson and several veterans were not among those that he felt did not care. It became plainly apparent that he was referring to linemen Alex Barron and Richie Incognito, as well as possibly receiver Kevin Curtis and tight end Dominique 'Hands' Byrd. While many in the mainstream media focused on this particular diatribe, another less noted complaint came from Marc, this one regarding the maintenance staff at Rams Park.
Bulger, after practice on Wednesday, commented, "I think that some of the janitorial staff here really doesn't care about cleaning up the locker room and meeting areas. Now I am not talking about the night crew, and I know that Roberto and Maria really care about this, and the guys that have been here for like five or more years are dedicated. I am not going to name names, but certain people are not pulling their weight and I think this team deserves better."
Roscoe, the only daytime janitor who has been here less than five years and is not named Roberto or Maria, was not happy to hear these remarks. Reached for comment, he noted, "I think Marc should focus on not throwing jump balls up to the Arizona Cardinal defense and less about me working the locker room floor buffer. That guy doesn't know a thing about cleaning up chew, or picking up pornography, or escorting skanks out of the locker room. As much as I love cleaning out the filth that these nasty moron meatheads leave in the showers and bathroom stalls, I guess I don't have it as hard as 'Mr. Prettyboy QB' Marc Bulger. Hey, Marc, why don't we trade jobs for a week? I can chuck some interceptions to guys in Cardinal uniforms for a couple million and you can try out washing filthy urinals for a couple bucks an hour. Let me know how that goes, Marc."
Five minutes after this interview was given, team president John Shaw fired Roscoe the former janitor for taking too long a break, while talking to reporters.
"And come to think of it," Bulger added, "that guy in the laundy room who cleans my jocks doesn't really seem to care enough either. I am having that person fired. I don't care how many children he has to feed, he's gone. It's called bleach, dude, no more stains."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Bulger, after practice on Wednesday, commented, "I think that some of the janitorial staff here really doesn't care about cleaning up the locker room and meeting areas. Now I am not talking about the night crew, and I know that Roberto and Maria really care about this, and the guys that have been here for like five or more years are dedicated. I am not going to name names, but certain people are not pulling their weight and I think this team deserves better."
Roscoe, the only daytime janitor who has been here less than five years and is not named Roberto or Maria, was not happy to hear these remarks. Reached for comment, he noted, "I think Marc should focus on not throwing jump balls up to the Arizona Cardinal defense and less about me working the locker room floor buffer. That guy doesn't know a thing about cleaning up chew, or picking up pornography, or escorting skanks out of the locker room. As much as I love cleaning out the filth that these nasty moron meatheads leave in the showers and bathroom stalls, I guess I don't have it as hard as 'Mr. Prettyboy QB' Marc Bulger. Hey, Marc, why don't we trade jobs for a week? I can chuck some interceptions to guys in Cardinal uniforms for a couple million and you can try out washing filthy urinals for a couple bucks an hour. Let me know how that goes, Marc."
Five minutes after this interview was given, team president John Shaw fired Roscoe the former janitor for taking too long a break, while talking to reporters.
"And come to think of it," Bulger added, "that guy in the laundy room who cleans my jocks doesn't really seem to care enough either. I am having that person fired. I don't care how many children he has to feed, he's gone. It's called bleach, dude, no more stains."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
Sports Bar Review: Saint Louis Sports Zone
Stlsports, in continuing the efforst to bring a wide range of sports-related topics to its readers, adds another installment of the Saint Louis area sports bar review columns. This weekend, Stlsports and a host of degenerates visited the St. Louis Sports Zone on Watson Road for the first stop on a bachelor party. The specific details are described herein:
A little background on the party: The bachelor party was for our dear friend Wang. Really, that is his last name and with a name like Wang, how can you not make some pretty kick-assed t-shirts. So everyone had a T that said "I survived Wang's bachelor party" and on the back it said "Wangfest 2006 (Not as gay as it sounds)". Incidentally, my wife assured me that some gay person would be offended. First, I am sorry if saying that something we dubbed Wangfest, which could be interpreted as pretty gay, needed a disclaimer on the official t-shirt. Second, who the hell is going to come up to a crew of rowdy twentysomethings and say how offended he is because he is gay? Third, welcome to America, home of the First Amendment, without which I would have been sued through space and time because of this blog. So back to the shirts, obviously the bachelor's shirt was pink with the word WANG in huge letters across the chest. We started at the Sports Zone and moved on from there, to places we dare not type here.
A little background on the bar: When this place opened a few years back, I had heard it was an ESPN Zone, but it was of course not true. Rumor has it an ESPN Zone will be put in the future Ballpark Village. The Sports Zone has a million televisions and tons of bar games. It is basically a huge sports bar in a strip mall. Lots of people go there and they have built up a pretty good brand name in their brief existance.
I called the bar waaaay too late to reserve a space for the party, so we decided to just show up and take over a portion of the bar. The other rooms / spaces were already reserved for other parties. When I talked to the guy on the phone, he just about pleaded with me to still come in and apologized repeatedly that he could not get us a reserved space. Then he told me that we could have a deal on pizza and wings and he would make sure we were taken care of. Sounded pretty darned good to me and this guy was really appreciative of the business, so we told him to look for us when we got there. STLSZ Management Sales Pitch / Promises / Attitude Grade: A
Of course when we got there, I told the waitress that I spoke to a manager a few days before and that we would get a deal on food and possibly drinks. I don't know if it was her fault or one of the managers' fault or if it was just too darned busy to worry about us, but we never saw those guys and we did not get a deal on food. Oh well. To be completely fair, the place was pretty darned busy and I did not bring in as many people as I had indicated on the phone, due to some late cancellations. And everyone else ordered other stuff besides pizza and wings. Still, it would have been nice to see one of those guys come over to our tables. STLSZ Management Follow-Up on Telephone Promises Grade: D
Three or four college games were going on, including the Big 12 and SEC championship games, so the place was packed. We took over the three tables at the front of the televisions, much to the vexation of those who were watching the games. If you wanted to see a game, it was probably on. I am sure that if you asked nicely enough, they would turn on Sky Sports and get in a rugby or cricket game. So many TVs. It was an attention deficit disorder sufferer's nightmare. A big plus was that the video games were excellent. The group seemed to fixate on a hunting game, where the controller is a shotgun. This game was a little off, as cougars, cows, and rabbits were regular targets. The best part was that the speakers for the TV were not next to the TV, but instead throughout the bar on the sound system. This made sitting in front of the televisions bearable and not deafening. A huge plus! STLSZ Electronic Entertainment Grade: A
The waitress was pretty cute. They all had little t-shirt jerseys on and ours had a tight-fitting one, as should have been the case. She was sometimes delayed with drinks, but again this could have been due to the high volume of customers in the bar that night. She was not very knowledgable about the hard liquor selection, something critical for waiting on a bachelor party! A big no-no occurred when she casually lamented, giving specific numbers, the bad tip she had previously gotten from a similar party, as if to warn us in advance that we should not hose her over on our tip. Listen, people get screwed on tips all the time in many jobs, and it has happened to everyone. We don't need to hear it and it will not increase your tip. Rapid beer production and a flirty attitude with a tight t-shirt will, however, increase the tip. Lucky for her, she was cute, had a tight t-shirt, got flirtier as we got drunker and the beer came faster as the place thinned out. She also played nice in our embarrass-the-bachelor photos, earning percentage points in gratuity. Oh, and there were a few other hot waitresses present in the bar that night. STLSZ Waitress Grade: B+
Cupcake, who got so drunk that he almost fell out of a minivan into the parking lot at the end of the night, had a quesadilla. This solid food did not prevent his projectile cookie-tossing later on, but it seemed to be pretty tasty-looking from afar. Doghair ordered two baskets of waffle fries for himself. Flapjack had cigarettes for dinner. Unkie Herb and I split a BBQ Chicken PIzza and it was absolutely amazing, as is often the case with bar food when drinking. It is not the best BBQ chicken pizza I have ever had, but it was darn good. Incidentally, Wang was too busy doing shots to eat. Luckily he had some Ramen, or whatever it is he regularly eats, before coming out. Joe Jr, who agreed to be random Asian guy for the night, ordered cheezy bread, got cheezy fries instead, and was not so upset. The bread later arrived, and we were not charged for the fries, which we devoured anyway. The bottom line is the food came out quick and tasty and was not that expensive. STLSZ Food Grade: A-
We ordered shots - lots of shots - for Wang. We requested 'the gayest shot you have', which smelled like a girl's dorm room candle; Mandirin (get it?); Citron; Goldschlager; Jaeger; baaaaad tequila; 'the worst gin you have'; a three wise men; two jaeger bombs; a long island tea; several beers. The toast of the night came from Joe Jr to his fellow Asian compatriot Wang - "Here's to slanty eyes and mathematics". That is a direct quote. The beer came out quicker as the night went on, and the same can be said about the hard alcohol. The final tab was outrageous, but nine guys pounding booze and food over several hours seems to add up pretty quickly. The usual A-B and Schlafly products were readily available. One major disappointment was when a shot containing Crown was ordered for Wang by Flapjack and they did not have Crown. They had metal sign ads in the bathroom for Crown but none at the bar. The bartender improvised with something that made Wang almost hurl. Good work, man. Alcohol Grade: B+
Quality of women is of huge importance at a sports bar. This is obvious. Nasty women leads to filthy men and empty barstools, whereas hot women and cute girls pack in the guys. As noted in a previous column, most of us are married and not looking to hook up with any ladies. We just like being around fun, cute girls. Especially when we are acting like drunk pigs on a bachelor party. The nasty filthy women part of the evening will come soon enough, but while at the bar we need nice girls. All that being said, the 'scenery' at the Sports Zone was high quality. First off, we sat next to a birthday party full of cute girls. It was the standard seven girls and one dude. The guy was with one of them, though we didn't know who, and he looked like he was bordering between hanging himself and drinking himself stupid. Being out with seven hot women you are not dating would kick ass, but when you are out with seven women and you are with only one and these are her friends, no matter how hot they are, you want to die. These girls were talkative and more than willing to pose in horrible photos in the bar with Wang. We bribed them with a pitcher of A-B, but it may not have been necessary. They were totally down with acting like fools. Other women in the bar were coming over to the party to meet the now-infamous Wang. More photos ensued. Basically, this place had some cute girls, at least in our area, and they were all pretty darned cool. It might have been a fluke, but we were not complaining. I tried hard to get Unkie Herb hooked up, but he just wouldn't accept the layup shot. Too bad, Herb! Women Scenery Grade: A
I hate karaoke machines and corny DJ's, and the Sports Zone had neither. The St. Louis Sports theme was a huge favorite of Stlsports, of course. The place was huge, with tons of space to spread out, and you don't feel cramped. For the convenience of the patrons, there is a TV on in the bathroom, just a quick head tilt up and to the left of the urinals. Also, Doghair was charged a buck fifty for a bottomless pitcher of diet soda as the designated driver, which earns big points for the bar. The bar has a great location, conveniently located in a strip mall near the city/county border, so you can easily slide up to Johhny Gitto's if you are still rolling at one in the morning. Lots of parking is available and so is an ATM that surprisingly and fantastically did not charge a service fee is in the back of the parking lot. For the late-night drunks with the munchies, it is one mile from a White Castle and two miles from Steak n' Shake. Intangibles Grade: A
Saint Louis is littered with sports bars. Almost every neighborhood has a sports bar and each day I hear another one advertised on the radio. These guys got it right, with a fairly well-designed interior and a good staff of good-looking girls. It is an ideal location for me and my friends, but it still manages to draw people who don't live right up the road, which speaks to its quality. We had a great time, and everyone there treated us well, especially the other patrons who wanted to meet the then-infamous Wang. The table of girls next to us and our cooperative waitress gained the bar some points, as did the good food selection. Even when packed to all hell, we still found good seats and had a good time. Saint Louis Sports Zone Overall Grade: A-
A little background on the party: The bachelor party was for our dear friend Wang. Really, that is his last name and with a name like Wang, how can you not make some pretty kick-assed t-shirts. So everyone had a T that said "I survived Wang's bachelor party" and on the back it said "Wangfest 2006 (Not as gay as it sounds)". Incidentally, my wife assured me that some gay person would be offended. First, I am sorry if saying that something we dubbed Wangfest, which could be interpreted as pretty gay, needed a disclaimer on the official t-shirt. Second, who the hell is going to come up to a crew of rowdy twentysomethings and say how offended he is because he is gay? Third, welcome to America, home of the First Amendment, without which I would have been sued through space and time because of this blog. So back to the shirts, obviously the bachelor's shirt was pink with the word WANG in huge letters across the chest. We started at the Sports Zone and moved on from there, to places we dare not type here.
A little background on the bar: When this place opened a few years back, I had heard it was an ESPN Zone, but it was of course not true. Rumor has it an ESPN Zone will be put in the future Ballpark Village. The Sports Zone has a million televisions and tons of bar games. It is basically a huge sports bar in a strip mall. Lots of people go there and they have built up a pretty good brand name in their brief existance.
I called the bar waaaay too late to reserve a space for the party, so we decided to just show up and take over a portion of the bar. The other rooms / spaces were already reserved for other parties. When I talked to the guy on the phone, he just about pleaded with me to still come in and apologized repeatedly that he could not get us a reserved space. Then he told me that we could have a deal on pizza and wings and he would make sure we were taken care of. Sounded pretty darned good to me and this guy was really appreciative of the business, so we told him to look for us when we got there. STLSZ Management Sales Pitch / Promises / Attitude Grade: A
Of course when we got there, I told the waitress that I spoke to a manager a few days before and that we would get a deal on food and possibly drinks. I don't know if it was her fault or one of the managers' fault or if it was just too darned busy to worry about us, but we never saw those guys and we did not get a deal on food. Oh well. To be completely fair, the place was pretty darned busy and I did not bring in as many people as I had indicated on the phone, due to some late cancellations. And everyone else ordered other stuff besides pizza and wings. Still, it would have been nice to see one of those guys come over to our tables. STLSZ Management Follow-Up on Telephone Promises Grade: D
Three or four college games were going on, including the Big 12 and SEC championship games, so the place was packed. We took over the three tables at the front of the televisions, much to the vexation of those who were watching the games. If you wanted to see a game, it was probably on. I am sure that if you asked nicely enough, they would turn on Sky Sports and get in a rugby or cricket game. So many TVs. It was an attention deficit disorder sufferer's nightmare. A big plus was that the video games were excellent. The group seemed to fixate on a hunting game, where the controller is a shotgun. This game was a little off, as cougars, cows, and rabbits were regular targets. The best part was that the speakers for the TV were not next to the TV, but instead throughout the bar on the sound system. This made sitting in front of the televisions bearable and not deafening. A huge plus! STLSZ Electronic Entertainment Grade: A
The waitress was pretty cute. They all had little t-shirt jerseys on and ours had a tight-fitting one, as should have been the case. She was sometimes delayed with drinks, but again this could have been due to the high volume of customers in the bar that night. She was not very knowledgable about the hard liquor selection, something critical for waiting on a bachelor party! A big no-no occurred when she casually lamented, giving specific numbers, the bad tip she had previously gotten from a similar party, as if to warn us in advance that we should not hose her over on our tip. Listen, people get screwed on tips all the time in many jobs, and it has happened to everyone. We don't need to hear it and it will not increase your tip. Rapid beer production and a flirty attitude with a tight t-shirt will, however, increase the tip. Lucky for her, she was cute, had a tight t-shirt, got flirtier as we got drunker and the beer came faster as the place thinned out. She also played nice in our embarrass-the-bachelor photos, earning percentage points in gratuity. Oh, and there were a few other hot waitresses present in the bar that night. STLSZ Waitress Grade: B+
Cupcake, who got so drunk that he almost fell out of a minivan into the parking lot at the end of the night, had a quesadilla. This solid food did not prevent his projectile cookie-tossing later on, but it seemed to be pretty tasty-looking from afar. Doghair ordered two baskets of waffle fries for himself. Flapjack had cigarettes for dinner. Unkie Herb and I split a BBQ Chicken PIzza and it was absolutely amazing, as is often the case with bar food when drinking. It is not the best BBQ chicken pizza I have ever had, but it was darn good. Incidentally, Wang was too busy doing shots to eat. Luckily he had some Ramen, or whatever it is he regularly eats, before coming out. Joe Jr, who agreed to be random Asian guy for the night, ordered cheezy bread, got cheezy fries instead, and was not so upset. The bread later arrived, and we were not charged for the fries, which we devoured anyway. The bottom line is the food came out quick and tasty and was not that expensive. STLSZ Food Grade: A-
We ordered shots - lots of shots - for Wang. We requested 'the gayest shot you have', which smelled like a girl's dorm room candle; Mandirin (get it?); Citron; Goldschlager; Jaeger; baaaaad tequila; 'the worst gin you have'; a three wise men; two jaeger bombs; a long island tea; several beers. The toast of the night came from Joe Jr to his fellow Asian compatriot Wang - "Here's to slanty eyes and mathematics". That is a direct quote. The beer came out quicker as the night went on, and the same can be said about the hard alcohol. The final tab was outrageous, but nine guys pounding booze and food over several hours seems to add up pretty quickly. The usual A-B and Schlafly products were readily available. One major disappointment was when a shot containing Crown was ordered for Wang by Flapjack and they did not have Crown. They had metal sign ads in the bathroom for Crown but none at the bar. The bartender improvised with something that made Wang almost hurl. Good work, man. Alcohol Grade: B+
Quality of women is of huge importance at a sports bar. This is obvious. Nasty women leads to filthy men and empty barstools, whereas hot women and cute girls pack in the guys. As noted in a previous column, most of us are married and not looking to hook up with any ladies. We just like being around fun, cute girls. Especially when we are acting like drunk pigs on a bachelor party. The nasty filthy women part of the evening will come soon enough, but while at the bar we need nice girls. All that being said, the 'scenery' at the Sports Zone was high quality. First off, we sat next to a birthday party full of cute girls. It was the standard seven girls and one dude. The guy was with one of them, though we didn't know who, and he looked like he was bordering between hanging himself and drinking himself stupid. Being out with seven hot women you are not dating would kick ass, but when you are out with seven women and you are with only one and these are her friends, no matter how hot they are, you want to die. These girls were talkative and more than willing to pose in horrible photos in the bar with Wang. We bribed them with a pitcher of A-B, but it may not have been necessary. They were totally down with acting like fools. Other women in the bar were coming over to the party to meet the now-infamous Wang. More photos ensued. Basically, this place had some cute girls, at least in our area, and they were all pretty darned cool. It might have been a fluke, but we were not complaining. I tried hard to get Unkie Herb hooked up, but he just wouldn't accept the layup shot. Too bad, Herb! Women Scenery Grade: A
I hate karaoke machines and corny DJ's, and the Sports Zone had neither. The St. Louis Sports theme was a huge favorite of Stlsports, of course. The place was huge, with tons of space to spread out, and you don't feel cramped. For the convenience of the patrons, there is a TV on in the bathroom, just a quick head tilt up and to the left of the urinals. Also, Doghair was charged a buck fifty for a bottomless pitcher of diet soda as the designated driver, which earns big points for the bar. The bar has a great location, conveniently located in a strip mall near the city/county border, so you can easily slide up to Johhny Gitto's if you are still rolling at one in the morning. Lots of parking is available and so is an ATM that surprisingly and fantastically did not charge a service fee is in the back of the parking lot. For the late-night drunks with the munchies, it is one mile from a White Castle and two miles from Steak n' Shake. Intangibles Grade: A
Saint Louis is littered with sports bars. Almost every neighborhood has a sports bar and each day I hear another one advertised on the radio. These guys got it right, with a fairly well-designed interior and a good staff of good-looking girls. It is an ideal location for me and my friends, but it still manages to draw people who don't live right up the road, which speaks to its quality. We had a great time, and everyone there treated us well, especially the other patrons who wanted to meet the then-infamous Wang. The table of girls next to us and our cooperative waitress gained the bar some points, as did the good food selection. Even when packed to all hell, we still found good seats and had a good time. Saint Louis Sports Zone Overall Grade: A-
Monday, December 4, 2006
Dominique Byrd incident puzzles Rams
Today in the wee hours of the morning, Rams rookie Tight End Dominique Byrd got into a little bar scuffle with a patron at the trendy Pepper Lounge on Locust, near the original Schlafly restaurant. He has been charged with second degree assault and is expected to turn himself in tomorrow, according to news reports. Shockingly, Stlsports was not first to report the story, but is first to bring the detailed commentary given herein. The Rams front office, as well as fans and media alike, are all wondering the same thing: Why is this just now happening?
Reached for comment, coach Scott Linehan noted, "Sometimes when people see a pro ballplayer in public, they feel the need to mix up some trouble and act all tough. Dominique was just a victim of circumstance here. I don't think that anyone in their right mind would have a problem with a football player grabbing his female significant other in the butt. By stepping up to Dominique, this guy got what he deserved, and that was a quick crack over the head with a beer bottle." Team president John Shaw agreed, "I think that the Rams' trend of drafting risky players of questionable character with off the field issues has been pretty consistent. This is all part of our draft strategy. Some people draft for speed, others for size. We draft for high risk / high reward. Byrd was certainly high risk, and he finally came around to bring that risk to fruition, so good for him."
Byrd was similarly dismissive of the seriousness of this altercation, adding, "I don't even think it was much of a grab. More of a pinch. I only used my thumb and two fingers, so the media has been reporting this all wrong. Definitely not a grab. Thanks, Stlsports, for reporting this accurately." When asked if Byrd had actually taken a beer bottle and cracked someone much smaller than him over the head for questioning Byrd's actions, he replied, "Oh, well yeah, that part was accurate. Serves that guy right. I can touch whoever's butt I want whenever I want. You know I play in the NFL, man. Don't mess with me!" Byrd added, "And that bottle was a Schlafly bottle. Usually when I hit a fan in the head with a Schlafly bottle, they don't break. But here either this guy had a hard head or the bottle was defective. They should look into this problem over at Schlafly."
Police chief Joe Mokwa, frustrated with the incident, commented, "I cannot believe I am here at a press conference for this. We were ranked the most dangerous city in America. Not in the area, not in Missouri, not in the midwest. In America. The same America that has Loredo, TX, Detroit, MI, Compton, CA and freaking East St. Louis, IL! I have bigger things to worry about than some idiot stepping up to a pro football player and getting what was probably coming to him. Do they have these conferences in Cincinnati for Bengals players? No. Why? Because this is not news. Please leave me alone, you parasites."
John Shaw noted, "Remember a little something called Lawrence Phillips? That wound up working itself out, right? Off the field issues are just something that is a part of having an NFL team in the area. The sooner people realize that, the better things will be. Stop criticizing our picks and player management. I think we know what we are doing over at Rams Park. This has been an awful distraction and we need to get back to concentrating on winning games. In 2007."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Reached for comment, coach Scott Linehan noted, "Sometimes when people see a pro ballplayer in public, they feel the need to mix up some trouble and act all tough. Dominique was just a victim of circumstance here. I don't think that anyone in their right mind would have a problem with a football player grabbing his female significant other in the butt. By stepping up to Dominique, this guy got what he deserved, and that was a quick crack over the head with a beer bottle." Team president John Shaw agreed, "I think that the Rams' trend of drafting risky players of questionable character with off the field issues has been pretty consistent. This is all part of our draft strategy. Some people draft for speed, others for size. We draft for high risk / high reward. Byrd was certainly high risk, and he finally came around to bring that risk to fruition, so good for him."
Byrd was similarly dismissive of the seriousness of this altercation, adding, "I don't even think it was much of a grab. More of a pinch. I only used my thumb and two fingers, so the media has been reporting this all wrong. Definitely not a grab. Thanks, Stlsports, for reporting this accurately." When asked if Byrd had actually taken a beer bottle and cracked someone much smaller than him over the head for questioning Byrd's actions, he replied, "Oh, well yeah, that part was accurate. Serves that guy right. I can touch whoever's butt I want whenever I want. You know I play in the NFL, man. Don't mess with me!" Byrd added, "And that bottle was a Schlafly bottle. Usually when I hit a fan in the head with a Schlafly bottle, they don't break. But here either this guy had a hard head or the bottle was defective. They should look into this problem over at Schlafly."
Police chief Joe Mokwa, frustrated with the incident, commented, "I cannot believe I am here at a press conference for this. We were ranked the most dangerous city in America. Not in the area, not in Missouri, not in the midwest. In America. The same America that has Loredo, TX, Detroit, MI, Compton, CA and freaking East St. Louis, IL! I have bigger things to worry about than some idiot stepping up to a pro football player and getting what was probably coming to him. Do they have these conferences in Cincinnati for Bengals players? No. Why? Because this is not news. Please leave me alone, you parasites."
John Shaw noted, "Remember a little something called Lawrence Phillips? That wound up working itself out, right? Off the field issues are just something that is a part of having an NFL team in the area. The sooner people realize that, the better things will be. Stop criticizing our picks and player management. I think we know what we are doing over at Rams Park. This has been an awful distraction and we need to get back to concentrating on winning games. In 2007."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
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