Saturday, September 30, 2006

Trent Green: I can travel through time

Trent Green, the Kansas City Chiefs quaterback and St. Louis native (poor guy went to Vianney), suffered a concussion on a late cheap-shot Romanowski-esque hit in the first game of the season, and has not returned to the field since. His injury was serious, and the expected return date has been pushed back several times. Sadly, his mind seems to be failing him as a result of the injury, as was evident in a recent ESPN interview, excerpted below. Given the serious nature of the injury, only time will tell when Green will be able to return to the game.

Stuart Scott: Glad you could make it here tonight with us, Trent.

Trent Green: Sure, Stu. Anything for you.

Scott: You really got one in the head pretty hard. How are you feeling since you took that terrible hit?

Green: It has been a rough few months.

Scott: Trent, you only got hit two weeks ago.

Green: Yes, in your time. But, you see, I was hit so hard that I travelled through time.

Scott: You travelled through time? That's crazier than the other side of the pillow!

Green: Here is what happened - I was instantly transported to medieval Japan at the time of the hit. Once there I befriended a young child named Yoshi. Together we trained in the martial arts and went into battle against the evil samurai overlord. Thankfully, we were successful and I came back here to our time after many months. So it seemed like I was only out of it for a few minutes on the field, but that was months to me.

Scott: Booyah, Trent! Now, what kind of drugs do they have you on, because they sound excellent.

Green: You don't believe me?

Scott: No, I am afraid not. Now, again, what do they have you taking? Please be sure to spell it, since those drug names can be tricky.

Green: I'm sorry you don't believe my story.

Scott: Okay, fine. On to other topics. When do you expect to be back on the field?

Green: Well, I saw a football game on television last week and it was so traumatic that I soiled myself, if that's any indication.

Scott: Booyah! You're not the only Kansas City player who soils himself, am I right? Can I get some names? I have heard rumors.

Green: I promised Kennison I wouldn't talk about this in public.

Scott: That's fair. Fairer than the other side of the pillow. Booyah! Any other news?

Green: Not really, Steve. Well, I must say, this really has been a lovely dinner. Do you think grandpa will care that we borrowed the car?

Scott: Uh.

Green: Oh nevermind, Dave. I have to get going now, since the big speech meet is this weekend. Go Whitefish!

Scott: Okay! Thanks for coming down here, Trent.

Green: Who?

We'll all be hoping for a swift, recovery, Trent. Good luck. And be sure to return grandpa's car with a full tank of gas.

[This story is a satire of puclic figures and a ripoff of TMNT3.]

Friday, September 29, 2006

Pornographic magazine found in Rams locker room

Stunning developments have emerged from the Rams practice facility in Earth City, where reports are circulating that allegedly pornographic materials were discovered in the team locker room. As shocking as this may be, the team public relations machine is working hard to spin this incident. Ownership has promised swift action against the perpetrators. One question remains: Who would have the audacity to bring pornography into a professional football team locker room?

A part time janitor stumbled upon the filth while cleaning up the locker room while the team was out on the practice field. Apparently, as the story goes, a magazine was left open on one of the benches in front of some lockers. On the opened pages was a series of images that would make sailors blush and Ron Jeremy expectorate. Reached for comment, the janitor opined, "I didn't know that could be turned inside out like that. I have decided to swear off women, having seen that magazine. I'm off to Vermont or San Francisco."

Team president John Shaw, clearly outraged at the incident, noted "This cannot stand. I have to put up with a ton of crap in a pro football locker room. Drugs, dope, gambling, cockfights, steroids, stealing, wet willies, towel whippings, strippers and hookers. But porno in magazine form? That is the last straw. Our janitor had to quit his job. I hear that he is scarred for life now." It was then explained that the team management would be searching the locker room for additional smut in an effort to rid the team facilities of such material.

Once all of the pornography had been rounded up through a complete search of the premises, forty five black trash bags of magazines and videos were recovered as contraband. A public burning of this material had been planned, but after a plea from local civic leaders, it was donated to charity by the team as a part of its annual giving to the community.

The team wants the public to understand that sex and professional sports do not mix. "I think we are sending the right message here," added Shaw. "Now, if you will excuse me, I am off to a meeting to discuss removing a percentage of the fabric from the cheerleader uniforms. And we will also be discussing the cheerleader swimsuit calendars."

[This story is a satire of public figures, but based on a story relayed to me. Thanks KPN and WBR.]

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Special Edition: Rejected Sports Headlines [Part 3]

Yet another installment of terrible sports headlines that you have been spared from reading in their entirety:

ScottTrade narrowly outbids Tampax for arena naming rights [Really, the only joke is the headline. I wrote the headline and then blanked out on the story. Why? Because that is the whole dumb joke.]

Ugly woman infiltrates [pro team] post game party [Having never been to one, I don't know what happens there, but it has to be full of beautiful women, or at least I hope so. Anyway, here is one that I started to write and it was just terrible.]

So Taguchi inadvertedly screams 'Bukake!" to celebrate home run [No, I won't tell you what this means. This story would have been rated X.]

Local champion involved in corked bocce ball scandal [Not much to this one. I started this one and focused too much on how a corked bocce ball would give an advantage to the user, but I don't understand the game, so I let this one go.]

Cheerleader: I'm more than just boobies [I saw a real story on this somewhere once and it was so rediculous that I wanted to lampoon it. Once in draft, however, it turned into a fairly degrading exercise. Unproud of myself, it wound up here instead.]

Teenage Rams fans: Where are our freaky, lesbian cheerleaders? [Someone else suggested this one to me. I imagine that adult Rams fans also have this question. But the gag is a year too late.]

Unwitting fantasy footballer opens league message board post entitled NSFW, while at work [This has happened to almost everyone, or at least to someone you know.]

Surplus of [bad/mediocre player] jerseys hurting local retailers [Really nowhere to go with this that is remotely funny. Half of the Cardinals and most of the Blues fit in this one.]

[Player's] intimate hair removal surgery goes terribly awry [Tried to write this and hated it.]

The Golden Brett likes Golden Showers [Submitted by a reader - truly disgusting. Thanks, though, KPN.]

[These stories would have been satires of public figures.]

Rams hurting compulsive gamblers

The Rams have had a surprising season to-date. They beat the Denver Broncos in an unexpected upset in the home opener. They managed to throw away a game against the sad sack San Francisco 49ers. Then just last Sunday they fumbled away and then recovered the other team's fumble away of a win against the tranplant Arizona Cardinals. In each instance, the Rams have performed contrary to the gambling lines and, as a result, local compulsive gamblers have been hurting.

Against the Broncos, the Rams were the underdog. Anyone with any sense had their money on the Broncos, but the Rams came out on top. The Rams were favored in 'Frisco, but lost anyway. The Rams were also favored against the Cardinals, but only won by two, failing to cover the spread. These three disasterous performances have left broken dreams and broken kneecaps across the St. Louis area.

Reached for comment, team president John Shaw explained, "We have had a pleasant series of games to this point, but I see room for improvement. We could very easily be 3-0 or, conversely, 0-3. So we need to clean up our act and get some scoring drives together." When asked specifically about the gamblers, Shaw noted, "Yes, we have gotten some abusive phone calls from fans who lost money. Everyone wants to know something inside about the team to help them make bets. But frankly this team is not about betting. I bet we've gotten two dozen calls on this since this morning."

Degenerate junky gambler Roscoe Johnson added, "I have been suffering lately. I can't unload these hawked Blues tickets. I can't sell these stolen Jeff Weaver replica jerseys. And I had my legs broken because I keep betting on the Rams. I am about 50 G's in the hole right now and the only way out is to bet some more. Hey, by the way, who do you like in the Rams/Lions game? The Rams are favored by 3. I need this one bad."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Post-season collapse moved up a couple weeks

The Redbirds have been stinking up the baseball diamond lately. Stinking it up to the tune of seven straight losses. In contrast, the not-quite-mathematically-eliminated Houston Astros have won seven in a row. Most people, when putting the two together, see a problem for the Cardinals. Team ownership and management insists that there is nothing to worry about and that the team has simply moved its planned October collapse into late September.

Reached for comment, team owner Bill DeQuit noted that, "There are still some things that need to get done around the stadium. You know, we have many improvements to make and other things to get done. For example, I would like to break ground on the ballpark village sooner than later. We can't very well do that during the season, and if we wait too long the ground gets too cold and hard. It makes economic sense to end the season next week rather than a few weeks from now. It's not like we were contending for a ring or anything."

Manager Tony LaRussa, during the course of this losing streak, as well as during the course of this up and down season, has been making some 'questionable' decisions. For example, he has played members of the team needlessly through nagging injuries, and now that personnel is not available for the final stretch run towards October. LaRussa has also inexplicably played Aaron Miles at shortstop, when Fredbird, a better contact hitter and defensive player, has watched from the sidelines. In fact, a blindfolded monkey with a glove on his tail is a better defensive player than half of the team right now. Tony has also refused to play small ball, often quoting his favorite manager, himself, noting that "small ball is for the small minded."

Still, the team clings to a film-thin lead of one and a half games. Hopefully the Cardinals can put a couple of wins together and proudly represent the National League Central Division by getting swept in October, instead of September.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Brett Hull retirement ceremony eagerly awaited

Team officials recently announced that Brett Hull, the once great forward of the St. Louis Blues hockey club, would have his jersey retired in an early December 2006 ceremony before a game against the Red Wings. Hull won a Hart Trophy (translate: MVP award) while with the Blues, and holds several scoring records with the team, including most goals by a Blues player in a season and most by an NHL right winger in a season. He also holds team records in career hat tricks and goals. Finally the team and city will recognize this great player.

When asked about the event, Hull noted that, "The retirement ceremony will probably be the highlight of my day. I mean, I could have a really good lunch that day, but I guess the number retiring will be the best thing to happen to me that day. It's kind of ironic that they are doing it in a game against the Red Wings. Ironic because I won a Stanley Cup with the Wings. Remember me, St. Louis? The guy who could never be on a cup winner? Yeah, I've got two rings. What? What? Didn't think so."

Rumors circulated that Hull was bitter about the discourteous treatment that he received when he was run out of town on a rail in the late 1990's and that he would be reluctant to come back for a number retirement. The team, in an effort to counter the fan alientation of that era have also decided to name a series of urinals after 'Iron' Mike Keenan.

Team owner Dave Cheketts, reached for comment, stated, "We barely had to talk Brett into coming back for this distinguished honor. I mean, yeah, we had to promise to give him a car, a Rolex, some money, a share in the team, a vacation, a house, a boat, some more money and a share in replica jersey sales, but he really wanted to be a part of this event. It is a great moment in St. Louis Blues history. In fact, we approached him about playing this season. No, I'm not joking. Since we are assembling a team of overpaid has-beens, Hull would fit right in here. But, after ten minutes of laughter over the phone, he graciously declined."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Monday, September 25, 2006

Rams still happy to be rid of Bettis

Jerome Bettis, commonly referred to by his nickname "The Bus", finally won a Super Bowl championship with the Pittsburgh Steelers this past season, while playing in his hometown of Detroit. He is revered by his fans and the majority of the media, and after compiling an impressive array of statistics, is certain to be bound for the Hall of Fame in Canton.

Bettis is also known for being generous with his money and with his time, and he is considered one of the 'good guys' in the game. Now a fixture of NBC's Sunday Night Football broadcast, he continuously promotes the game and the Steelers in particular. However, many members of the St. Louis Rams organization stand stubbornly by their original position: We're glad that we ran Bettis out of town.

When approached about the Bettis situation, in hindsight, team officials have not changed their viewpoints. Said team president John Shaw, "Oh, yeah he was a negative influence. Contstantly distracting players from their jobs. For example, he kept trying to get people to go to charity events with him. Come on, what a headache. Focus on football, Bettis."

Former team member Isaac Bruce had similar reservations, "Bettis wanted us to spend time in the community that could be otherwise spent playing football, going to clubs or spending the wildly lavish amounts of money that we get paid. He kept saying that we could get more out of life. Bettis was always wanting more, like most greedy football players."

Former Ram Tony 'Skillet Hands' Banks was particularly hard on Bettis, recalling that "he never wanted to come with us to the East Side and spend some bills. I mean, what the hell else do pro football players do with their freetime as a group but watch trim dance in Illinois? Talk about a guy who isn't a team player."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Edmonds has 'big plans' for contract buyout money

Jim Edmonds has been patrolling center field for almost a decade in St. Louis, and he is the senior-most member of the team (no pun intended). Since sending at-the-time future hall of famer Kent Bottenfield and limpwristed Adam Kennedy to Anaheim for Jimmy Ballgame, the team has seen unprecedented regular season success. While this regular season success has not necessarily translated into post season success, the fans like Edmonds nonetheless. However, Edmonds is getting older and his body is beginning to fail him, particularly when he is playing baseball professionally.

Although he is under contract next season for over ten million dollars, the team has a buyout option for three million dollars. This means that the team can pay three million dollars to get out of the contract and it seems more and more likely that this will be what happens.

On the topic of paying Edmonds eight figures to play or three million to go away, said team owner Bill DeWitt, "I got bills to pay. Maybe we can pay him off, I mean buy out his contract, and bring him back for a nominal salary. But honestly I have more to worry about that bringing back a fan favorite. Do you know how expensive Persian leather is for the owners boxes? And don't even get me started on the chinchilla coasters. Or the baby seal mini-fridge covers. Whew, it takes a lot of hard work and tough decisions to run a ballclub. Sorry, Jimmy."

"I understand that some people don't like the buyout," noted DeWitt. "When you buy out a contract, you are saying that you would rather pay someone millions to go away than have him stay and play for you. Most people get upset, but not old JImmy."

Reached for comment, Edmonds noted, "I have some big plans for that buyout money," indicating that it was pretty much a foregone conclusion that he would not be back next season. "I thought that I might get that new hip and shoulder that I have been hankering for. Perhaps I could open a disco out in Anaheim. K-Fed concert tickets. Whatever, the world is my oyster!"

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Friday, September 22, 2006

Commentary: I hate your fantasy football war stories

If there is one thing out there that is really annoying, it is people who tell fantasy football war stories. Contrary to the opinion of most fantasy-footballers, no one in St. Louis cares that Randy Moss has no touchdowns or that Clinton Portis has yet to start a game for your team. Your league rules are irrelevant to the vast majority of those in St. Louis who love football because they like to watch football.

You know you are too into fantasy sports when you are rooting against your home team, the Rams. Pure fantasy footballers will have no guilt hoping that the Rams' secondary gets lit up like a Christmas tree by the opposing quarterback just because that guy is on your fantasy team. Those of you who play but have a conscience come up with bizzare scenarios where both the Rams and your fantasy team wins. For example, this is a recently overheard conversation:

Fan 1: Oh man, I hope the Rams can pull this one out.

Fan 2: Me, too, but I have [opposing running back] on my fantasy team.

Fan 1: But you are still rooting for the Rams, right?

Fan 2: Kind of. I would love to see [that RB] rack up 200 yards rushing and score 3 touchdowns, but as long as the Rams come back and win the game. I can have it both ways.

Fan 1: You need help.

This is absurd. Equally absurd is the notion that your fantasy sports team really pulled it out just because of you, like you coached them to the big win. People who act like this think that they are psychics for picking the right matchups. Here is another overheard conversation:

Fan 1: I won last week because I was smart enough to start Rex Grossman.

Fan 2: Were you smart enough or were the rest of your QBs injured?

Fan 1: I assure you, this happened because of great managing on my part.

Fan 2: So you knew Grossman would play that well?

Fan 1: Of course I did. I am a fantasy sports superstar! I should be on ESPN.

Fan 2: No one thought he would play like that, not even Grossman. Lovie Smith probably bet against the Bears in that game. Grossman's family watched another game on T.V.. Brian Griese was warming up in the first quarter.

Fan 1: Why can't you recognize my genius?

Listen, I know what it's like watching a few games you would not normally be interested in because of your fantasy team. But no need to get crazy. And by crazy, I mean fantasy football champioship rings. This is a reality, thanks to the fine people at Jostens.

Here is an idea to put things in perspective. How about matching some fantasy football war stories with Iraqi war stories? A potential exchange:

Iraqi War Veteran: I just got back from Baghdad. What a war.

Fantasy Footballer: You wanna hear a war story? I was down 25 points to [Team X] after my second running back went down injured and my wide receiver touchdown was nullified with a holding penalty. Going into Monday night, I had the Jacksonville defense and he had Willie Parker. Game over, right? No! I stormed back for a stunning comeback. We wound up tied, and I won on the tie breaker - QB rushing yards! Woooo!

Iraqi War Veteran: Wow, that is impressive. I know what you mean. Just last week I was on patrol when a roadside bomb went off and killed half of my team. I was in a hail of gunfire but managed to escape with my life.

Fantasy Footballer: Yeah, that happened to me in a video game once. Did you go get a med pack to restore full health and grab some ammo crates and head back in after them?

Iraqi War Veteran: The urge to stab you in the face is strong. But I can control myself.

So remember, next time you are about to tell some crapassed story about your fantasy league, the person you are talking to might have the nearly irrepressable urge to harm you physically. And that person might not have the restraint of one of our fine soldiers.

[This story is a commentary.]

[Prove your loserness and click here.]

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Hugo Chavez hates America, loves the Cardinals

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, considered a dangerous leftist dictator by countries not ending in -ran, -ussia, -uba and -yria, recently came out in a fiery speech against the United States and, in particular, against President Bush. During his United Nations rant, he called this country all sorts of names and petitioned the world to give Venezuela a seat of power in the U.N., which is essentially a powerless body to begin with. However, he caged his anti-America comments when he noted that he was a big fan of the St. Louis Cardinals baseball team.

During a question-and-answers session after the speech, El Prezidento For Life Chavez was asked about his love for the Redbirds. "I have always loved the Cardinals. They are the color red, the color of passion! I like to use red backgrounds on my dictator posters because if symbolizes power! Plus, I am from Latin America, so naturally I love baseball." Chavez continued, noting, "What I particularly admire is the team ownership's committment to squeezing money out of the people with an effective public relations machine. I could use good men like that in my administration."

Reached for comment, team dictator Bill DeWitt added, "Mr. Chavez has inquired about purchasing the team. I don't think that is a prudent business decision at this time. Right now, we are in the process of making the Cardinals the finest organization in all of baseball. Now, once we get the value up there and get a discounted ballpark village attached to the stadium, we will be willing to entertain offers in the billion dollar plus range. And by we, I mean me."

Chavez continued his hate-filled spiel with some limited words of love for American baseball. He added, "The Red Birds of St. Louis will march victoriously into the playoffs and will kill the imperial Yankees of baseball so that their blood runs red in the streets. All must swear loyalty in allegance against the imperial Yankees! So says Chavez!"

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Bulger predicts another bad outing in Week 11

Marc Bulger, the quarterback for the St. Louis Rams, has a terrible outing in the season opener against the Broncos. The team managed to win, but only on the foot of Jeff Wilkins, who converted six field goals. Things did not improve much in Week 2. Bulger was approached about the lackluster offensive performances, and he subsequently apologized. He did, however, cage that apology by making sure everyone knew that he would have another awful statistical performance in Week 11.

Bulger, like most males age 15-50, is in a fantasy football league with his friends and relatives. During the draft, being a proud person, Bulger had targeted himself. Rather than take himself in the 6th round, he chose to pick up another running back with the hopes that he could get himself in the next round. Sadly, he was picked by his buddy Roscoe in the 6th round.

The trouble arose when Bulger's team faced Roscoe's team in the first week of the fantasy season. As a result, any time that Bulger scored in real life, he harmed himself in his fantasy football life. "You can all see that I had a difficult decision to make," noted Marc. He elaborated, "I think I made the right call. The Rams won. My fantasy team won. I won a twelve pack of beer in the fantasy football sidebet. Everyone came out on top." When asked why he predicted another lackluster performance in Week 11, Bulger plainly explained, "That's my rematch against Roscoe. Hopefully the Rams defense can step up again like they did in week one. Who would've thought that would happen?"

Bulger also credited team kicker Jeff Wilkins, explaining that, "Wilkins helped me out twofold. First, he helped the Rams win. But second, he also helped me win. I got him with my last pick, and he was a steal! If not for him, that Frank Gore performance that Roscoe got would have sank me. Thanks to Jeff, I will be enjoying a few cool ones courtesy of old Roscoe."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

[Sorry for this month's 'no-post Monday'. It happens sometimes.]

St. Louis sports fans: At least we don't live in Kansas City

The recent weeks in St. Louis sports have been somewhat disappointing for the local fan base. The Cardinals, despite being in first place in the worst division in baseball, are only preparing for the inevitable postseason slaughter in the first round. The Rams cannot score a touchdown on offense to save their lives. Both of these teams have been hard-hit by a plague of injuries to key players. On the ice, the Blues are looking to rebound with half of the 1999 All Star team, many of which need cortizone shots in order to tie their laces. The Steamers blew it in the playoffs again a few months ago. Finally, yet another St. Louis team, the Slam women's pro football team, was eliminated in the playoffs by a team from the Boston area.

Things are going terribly and the city has been in a gloomy state for a while. However, mayor Francis Slay has unveiled a new campaign aimed at boosting the city morale and regaining some of the pride that has been lacking lately: At least we're not Kansas City.

The Kansas City area has long been thought of by Saint Louisans as the younger, not as bright sibling in the family/state whose only chance at success was to marry well. Sadly, Kansas City, Missouri, married crime-stricken Kansas City, Kansas, and things have not been going well since.

The Royals have not won two consecutive games since the 1985 World Series, which they continue to hold over our heads. The Chiefs are the football Cardinals in the AFC - perennially picked to go somewhere but it never happens. In fact, the Chiefs are reliving a familiar St. Louis nightmare: the injury of quarterback Trent Green. Sadly, it won't turn out as well for the Chiefs as it did for the Rams. The KC football faithful won't be hoisting the Lombardi Trophy so much as an IV bag above Green. Not to say that they have given up, but the Chiefs are looking forward to Brady Quinn being in their 2007 training camp and are already printing up his jerseys for sale in the team gift shop. Kansas City also had to swallow their pride and accept a major league soccer expansion team. An NBA team was not available, noted one former KC mayor, and so the fifth best option, an MLS team, was reluctantly brought in to the area. Children now grow up watching a sport considered by many to be inferior to badminton and curling.

Reached for comment, mayor Slay noted, "This is the kind of shot in the arm that St. Louis needed. Picking on Kansas City is like beating up that short kid in class with the weird haircut. You know you shouldn't do it, but it makes you feel like a big man inside. If this doesn't work, we're coming for you, Springfield!"

In response to this campaign of abuse, Kansas City has been dumping malodorous pollutants into the Missouri river which will slowly make their way to St. Louis. They have also begun their own campaign to bolster tourism for the western end of the state: We're cooler than Kirksville.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Friday, September 15, 2006

Confusion leads to press conference brawl

In a stunning turn of events, a fist fight broke out between members of the St. Louis Rams defense and a contingent of the sports reporters from regional and national publications. During a press conference, a group of reporters were asking cornerback Travis Fisher about the team's performance in reference to the previous season and in anticipation of the upcoming game against the 49ers. Things were going well until a series of misunderstandings occurred that resulted in the brawl. A transcript of a portion of the interview follows:

Reporter #1: How would you respond to the critics who allege that you were completely impotent to stop the run?

Travis Fisher: Who said that? I'm all man! That bitch is lying!

Reporter #2: Uh, on another topic ... Do you think that you can protect against the naked bootleg from Alex Smith this weekend?

Fisher: I better not be seeing a naked anything from Alex Smith. Who told you I wanted to see that? I don't like these questions.

Reporter #2: I'm just saying you've have taken a beating on the naked bootleg in the past.

Fisher: You had better move on to another subject unless you want to see a real beating.

Reporter #3: Alex Smith likes to get those balls deep into your end zone. Do you plan on standing up to him or just take it lying down?

Fisher: This interview is over! [Off podium] Hey, D-Line, get in here and help me stop these reporters!

[Yelling and reporter stomping noises.]

After police arrived on the scene to break up the commotion and once order had been restored, the team adjourned to a closed-door meeting to discuss the incident. A team practice was held as scheduled, and the men all showered together afterwards.

The reporters, who will remain nameless, have all decided to not press charges. Since pro football players have a high enough risk of being charged with crimes unrelated to press conference meles, they chose that for the better good of the team they would not add to the turmoil.

[This story is a satire of public figures. Travis Fisher is all man. Please don't come after me, Mr. Fisher.]

Report: Kicking ass at Madden 2007 will not get you laid

With the unveiling ot the Madden 2007 NFL football game, hundreds of thousands of males ages six to forty six dropped half a c-note for a copy of the world's most popular video game title, ensuring that the game's namesake can now have turducken twice a day every day for the next three hundred years. John Madden, who also happened to be an excellent football coach, does not actually program the game himself, as is thought by many of the game players. In fact, it takes many nerds many hours to churn out this cash cow CD. Now that Madden '07 has hit the market, tournaments have begun and grand champions crowned. Much to the dismay of these grand champions and other Madden '07 superstars, they are finding that their impressive skills have not even remotely improved their chances at getting laid.

At a particularly popular St. Louis-area Madden '07 tournament, about two hundred fifty guys showed up to show their Madden might in a large convention center. Many players arrived in the football jersey of their favorite player, often in sizes of XL or larger. Having never played anything close to real football itself, these short, stinky, unshaven men enjoyed living the fantasy persona that they create for this game. Trash-talking and taunting is a huge part of the Madden '07 tournament experience. Again, having never been good enough at a physical activity to taunt or trash-talk anyone else, these players take full advantage here. Food and drinks are provided, players are ranked, and the top games are shown on big screens. All in all, this is a top notch event. Still, none of the superstars here can get and keep any woman.

The closest thing to a female at these events are the Madden '07 cheerleaders who are getting paid (handsomely) to show up and endorse the game and various consoles. Said one cheerleader, "This place has creepier men than the strip club that I work at on the weekends. Seriously, these guys are nasty. I am never coming to one of these things again. More than one guy has come up to me and told me about some crap he did in a game he played. What the hell? Who cares? It is a game, loser!" Other women who work at video game stores have also been getting annoyed with the pathetic crowd, according to this one female, who wished to remain nameless, "One dude came up to me ans asked if I liked his LT2 jersey, whatever the hell that is. Well, no. I don't care. I work at a video game store part-time and now I have to put up with these dudes? I am quitting this job and going to work at Hooters, where men are a little more respectful and less desperate."

Some gameplayer mothers came by to pick up their (sometimes adult) children from the tournament. From her minivan, one particular mother faced catcalls. She noted, "This one guy, who could not have been much older than my son, asked me if I wanted to take a ride with him. He was a champ, or so he said. What a bunch of losers! 'Get a job' is what I told him. When we got home, I smashed my kid's playstation. No more of that crap. I want him to have a future. Having me pick him up from that tournament is going to be the best thing to happen to my son in the long run. I just wish I had known before."

Tournament champion Roscoe Johnson, reached for comment, noted that "I have never seen a woman naked. In real life. Of couse, as a Madden '07 expert, I see naked women all the time no my PC or on a video, but never in real life. Sometimes my hands are so tired from the twenty hours of Madden that I can barely ... uh, nevermind. I am looking forward to showing off my trophy and hopefully now some female will take note and recognize me for the stud I am. Now, I am off to White Castles for dinner to celebrate."

[This story is a satire of public figures. I must be the only person who does not own a copy of any edition of this game.]

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Mark McGwire Expressway renamed Cheating Bastard Highway

Way back in 1998 Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa were credited with saving baseball when they engaged in a riveting race to break the single season home run record. Since then, the public and media have villified both of them based upon the allegations of disgraced junkie Jose Canseco. As a result of this fiasco, all of their baseball cards have been dramatically devalued, effectively ruining the retirement plans of several poor-planning idiots.

In honor of his then-amazing accomplishments, the city and local officials banded together to name a particularly blighted part of Interstate 70 the Mark McGwire Expressway. Just beyond the empty warehouses and apartments, one of the few non-grafitti-laden landmarks in this area was a large road sign memorializing this renaming. However, in light of the recent steriod allegations and the reclusive demeanor of McGwire, those same politicians who once fought to recognize him have now turned on him and renamed the highway. Rather than returning the highway to an unnamed stretch of road, they chose to take it further by putting a purposefully derrogatory name in its place. Yesterday the "Cheating Bastard Highway" was unveiled where the "Mark McGwire Expressway" once ran.

Said Commissioner Bud Selig, "This McGwire/Sosa problem was just awful. We all feel so betrayed. I cannot believe that they both cheated, even though they did save the game. What they did is equivalent to having the best sex of your life with a beautiful woman and then discovering that she used to be a man. No matter how great it was, in retrospect, it was vile and disgusting."

Local outrage has been surprisingly minimal in this rabidly loyal baseball town. The fans here seem to understand the seriousness of the situation and this is not the first time this sort of thing has happened. This actually follows suit of similar changes made in other towns. For example, in 1999 the Republican government in Ohio changed the "Bill Clinton Parkway" to "Keep It In Your Pants Road" and, in California, just this past month "Barry Bonds Road" was renamed "Lying Scumbag Alley."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Cardinals owners ask city for money to send their kids to college

Like the sun rising in the east, the ownership group of the St. Louis Cardinals is again asking the city for additional funding. In the recent past, the owners have received tax breaks as well as public funding for their team-related ventures. Many opponents of public funding have tried to make the owners pay for the stadium themselves, and yet the perqs have come from city, state and regional governments. After a brief flirtation with the idea of moving the team to the east side of the Mississippi River, everyone not named Rev. Earl Nance stopped laughing long enough to work out a deal that was believed to benefit both sides. Now the team ownership has come back to the citizens and their government, hat in hand again, and is asking for more money. However, this time they need funding to finance their children's colleges.

The children of team owner Bill DeWitt plan on attending very expensive private schools, typically only reserved for the finest minds or the deepest pockets in America. This education will include first class dormitory lodging, fraternity and sorority dues, spring break trips, semesters abroad, food and, of course, exceptional amounts of beverages. In lieu of paying for this himself, Mr. DeWitt feels that the people of St. Louis and all of Missouri should help fund this educational endeavour in an effort to revitalize the downtown area and bring new jobs back to the city. Said Mr. DeWitt, "It is a proven fact that the more money you spend on sports teams, the better things go for a city. Therefore, the more money spent on the expensive colleges of the children of sports team owners, the better things go for a city. Trust me, I am a shrewd businessman and cannot possibly explain this in terms you would understand. Now just give me the money."

In addition to funding for the private education of team owner children, it has been suggested that the ballpark village also provide luxury housing accomodations to Bill DeWitt and other elite members of team management and ownership. Said Mr. DeWitt, "I thought that part of this whole stadium and village deal was to get people to move back downtown. I am willing to be one of those people. I just need some new digs. I am not looking for Russell Simmons quality housing, but something more along the lines of Sean 'Diddy' Combs or Mariah Carey quality housing." As far as particular amenities, he is willing to make some concessions. "I can pay for the live-in chef and butler, but the city should subsidize the remainder fo the expenses. I mean, those ballpark luxury residences won't build themselves. I need some help since I am a little strapped for cash."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

[If the Rev. Nance reference lost you, read this.]

[Finally, a website! ChBe sure to click on the second-to-last celebrity photo, and look at the 'oh crap, I'm on camera with this guy' face in that pic.]

Hockey fans on Orszagh injury: Who the hell is Orszagh?

Blues management announced earlier this week that forward Vladimir Orszagh would miss the 2006-2007 season while recovering from surgery to repair a cartilage defect in his left knee. This has left many of the Blues faithful scratching their heads, but not because they were confused about why this surgery had to take place when a similar one had been performed only months ago. Most hockey fans in St. Louis have never heard of Orszagh.

While Vladimir was looking forward to playing in the newly renamed ScottTrade center this fall, the injury has cost him a spot somewhere on the second or third line. Many of the faces and names on the team are wildly unfamiliar to the fan base. The sell-off shamelessly implemented by Bill Laurie left the city with a bunch of no-name players, unproven rookies and overpaid hacks. Reached for comment, overpaid hack Keith Tkachuk retorted, "I am not a hack. I may be overpaid, but I am not a hack."

The unfamiliarity with the current team by the fans is not without reason. Too many Blues fans abandoned the team during the lockout. When the team finally came back last season, the fan base was reflective upon the previous thirty seasons or so. The year-long hockey strike allowed the city in general to realize that living without Blues hockey is a little like living without herpes - you're okay for a while, but every so often it really sucks. Even before the strike, being a die hard Blues fan the past two decades was equivalent to dating a super-hot, sexually provocative prude. She (the Blues) kept teasing the fan base season after season, letting us think that we were going to go somewhere together. But then, predictably, and not without heartache, she would push us back and remind us that no means no, meagerly exiting the playoffs perennially.

So when news comes out about someone with an unpronouncable name being injured, it is no wonder that most people in the city have no idea what they are talking about. It could be completely made up and no one would know. Good luck this season, Blues, whoever the hell you are.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Rams' offense unmotivated by emotionally stable head coach

The Saint Louis Rams used to be known as "The Greatest Show on Turf" for their high-flying and explosive offense. But after a lackluster preseason performance by the first team offense and a similarly abhorrent showing in the regular season opener, there are rumors being talked around that perhaps Scott Linehan is not the type of head coach that inspires greatness in his offense. One thing differentiates Linehan from his two immediate precessors: he possesses emotional stability.

Mike Martz, the most recent head coach before Linehan was brought in, was known as "Mad Mike". He took a restraining order out against a [probably psychotic] player, manipulated the front office and was known as a general lunatic by his players. Martz would frequently fly off the handle at his players for doing something wrong. His playcalling also left something to be desired and the national and local media began to question bothi his decision-making and his sanity. He has since moved to the Detroit Lions organization, which is headed up by a team president with a history of questionable cerebral instability as well. We are expecting magical things from that team. Just before Martz, Dick Vermeil was another example of the fragile nature of humanity. As weeping in football became more acceptable than crying in baseball, Vermeil's players had grown accustomed to the yin and yang of loud motivation and eerily quiet sobbing from their head coach.

Both the Martz and Vermeil offenses performed exceptionally well on the field. When asked about the discrepancy, team veteran wide receiver Issac Bruce noted, "If we messed up with Coach Vermeil, he would start crying. Nobody liked that nonsense. Then if we messed up with Coach Martz, he would go crazy. So we made sure that we stayed on our game on the offense. But now with Coach Linehan, it's like it was under Rich Brooks. Whatever, man. I get my check win or lose, baby. Since Coach Linehan isn't crazy as hell, one way or the other, we don't really have much to fear." Referring to the mid-1990s Cardinals teams, "When Joe Torre took over, those Redbird teams went to sleep. That guy just sat there and watched the game like a fan, so those players stunk it up. It is all cause and effect."

Said noted sports psychiatrist Roscoe Johnson, "Many people respond to abnormal behavior with extraordinary behavior of their own. For example, highly motivational people typically have very eccentric personalities, be they wild, irrational and unpredictable like Mike Martz or perhaps pendular and extreme like Dick Vermeil. It is not by coincidence that coaches with strong personalities elicit strong player performances. And when you have a mild and stable personality, especially in place of a previously unstable personality, the opposite effect takes place, and those players tend to slack off."

However, a marked improvement has been seen on the other side of the ball, where the defensive unit has been dramatically improved over the previous seasons. Defensive veteran Leonard Little added, "We had been working under some pretty bad defensive coordination that never held us accountable the past two seasons, so we just sort of took those seasons off. I mean, why bust your ass if you don't have to? But Coach Haslett? Whoo that man is nuts. You know I play my butt of for that man. Those crazy white people are the ones to look out for. I don't want to be messin' with Coach Haslett. He drinks his soda and then eats the can. Who the heck does that? I bet I record fifty sacks this season."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Monday, September 11, 2006

Rams rookie hazing update

A regular tradition on local professional sports teams is the hazing of rookie players. For example, Blues forward Jamal Mayers had his eyebrows dyed in stripes when he first started. This year the Steamers rookies had to put on an amusing skit where they all wore dresses and makeup. For the Cardinals, the rookies have to carry the veterans' bags. Some critics have recently noted that a few of the Rams' hazing incidents this season might have gone a little too far. The veteran players dismiss such accusations and claim that it is all a part of joining the league.

Said Rams defensive tackle Jimmy Kennedy about the rookie hazing, "Well, when I joined the team as a rookie, they made me shave my eyebrows and I also had to eat some worms. I thought that this year we should kick it up a couple notches, so we went to Tye Hill's house, kidnapped him in the middle of the night and buried him alive in the middle of Tower Grove Park. Who's hot stuff now, Rook?" It was then explained to Kennedy that you need to breathe in order to live and that breathing underground was basically impossible, to which he replied, "Oh, well too bad then. I guess we need to spend next season's number one pick on another cornerback. Booyah! We got him good!"

When approached about the hazing issue at Rams Park, team captain Leonard Little commented that, "Perhaps we took the Tye Hill thing a little too far. But, I mean, no one got hurt when we hazed rookie Joe Klopfenstein. We made sure he was out on the town with the rest of the offense when we set fire to his apartment. Hoo-ah, that was some good hazing." Little was then told that the apartment complex fire that he and the rest of the defensive line started had left twenty innocent families homeless. In reply, he noted, "Serves 'em right for livin' next to a rookie."

In what now appears to be a related story, Rams rookie defensive tackle Claude Wroten swam to feedom somewhere near Cairo, Illinois, after being hit on the head with a crowbar by an unknown assailant after leaving Rams Park. He was then rolled up in a rug and thrown off of the Eads Bridge, but luckily managed to survive the ordeal. Police were investigating, but upon learning that it was most likely a Rams hazing-related incident, have ceased their efforts and let the team off with a warning. "Boys will be boys," noted a police spokesperson.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

LaRussa eats record-breaking 54th baseball cap

Saint Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa owns many managerial records and is surely in the midst of a Hall of Fame career. He holds the mark for second most wins as a manager for the Cardinals and is third in wins all time amongst all managers in the history of the game. LaRussa owns a half dozen or so manager of the year awards, four pennants, several division championships and a world series ring. But he recently reached his most inglorious achievement to-date in St. Louis, having eaten 54 baseball caps in one season, a team record by 54, shattering the mark he set the previous game by one.

Commentator Joe Buck, on the hat situation, noted that, "Well typically when you say that someone is so mad that they are eating their hat, you are speaking figuratively. But not with LaRussa, who does everything all the way. Nothing half-assed with Tony, even in hat eating."

LaRussa tends to get worked up during particularly terrible baseball performances, such as whenever Jason Marquis, Jeff Weaver, Mark Mulder or Jason Isringhausen pitch in a live game. When things start to go south, he puts his hat in his mouth to curb the profanities that would otherwise spew onto the field and into the dugout. Remarked LaRussa, "I used to cuss up a storm, and I mean I would say stuff that could make sailors blush. Then my bench coach at the time started a swear jar in the dugout and I had to put in a dollar each time I let one fly. Well at the end of the year, I had so much money in the jar I that I could take the whole team out for a nice steak dinner. Of course, since it was that lousy team that made me swear so much, I spent the money on some fur coats, my obsession at the time."

After the swear jar season, Tony decided to put the bill of his hat into his mouth to shut himself up. Well, during some games he would get so frustrated that he would eat the hat. Not really 'eat' the hat in the consume and digest form of the word, but more in the Cookie Monster rip the shit out of it and make a damned mess sense of the word.

Said John Rodruigez, when reached for comment, "Yeah, since I am on the bench so much, I can see this happen pretty well. Tony sits pretty calm with his arms crossed, staring a hole into the umpire's forehead. But then you see a couple bad pitches and Tony starts to gnaw on that lid. When some more bad plays happen, he starts to rip it up in his teeth and pretty soon there is nothing but pieces left. That's some messed up behavior, right there."

The league record for eaten hats is seemingly out of reach, since it was set by Tony Pena a couple of years ago in Kansas City. Pena had to quit the team, not because of poor team performance, but instead because of the high hat content in his stomach and bloodstream.

[This story is a satire of public figures. Wow, this is pretty stupid.]

[Thanks MWS.]

Friday, September 8, 2006

Stlsports named Riverfront Times "Local Blog O' the Week"

Much to the shock of stlsports, the Riverfront Times has named this blog the "Local Blog O' the Week", and let me tell you, it has been a long time coming. After a few weeks of grueling local investigative fake sports reporting, the staff has been rewarded with an amazing honor from a highly reputable and respected publication such as the RFT.

Stlsports is not really all that familiar with the Riverfront Times, which is sort of the "independent report on whatever the hell they feel like newspaper magazine" for St. Louis. Several years ago, while waiting at a MetroLink stop, I read an edition of the RFT for the first time, and while browsing came across a column called 'Savage Love', which I should have known better than to read from the title. A few sentences into it and I felt like I was reading a Playboy in a public place. That particular column included the story of someone's grandmother masturbating her pet parrot and how it disturbed the guy who wrote in to the columnist, Dan Savage. Really? That was disturbing? Well, nothing like turing the page to move on ... to twenty pages of 'adult' themed advertisements. However, the judging eyes of the old lady sitting next to me could not keep me away from the full page 'Spankys' ad, which cartooned out the many euphamisms for flogging the old dolphin, in case you can't read but are looking for a place like Spanky's. Perhaps going forward in the magazine was more appropriate, and I turned to hard hitting news about the hottest local restaurants and bars. What a publication.

Yessir, the RFT has a special place in the hearts of stlsports, and we here are thrilled to have its endorsement. Hopefully, we can next be recognized by Hustler magazine or the New York Times, two other well-regarded publications.

In an unrelated matter, the Riverfront Times has been named by stlsports the "Local Non-Post-Dispatch Printed News Publication O' the Week", just narrowly beating out For Rent Magazine.

[Check it out here.]

Thursday, September 7, 2006

Tim McCarver literally moments from explosion

Tim McCarver, a baseball analyst for the FOX network, is best known around the country as the member of the sports media with his head the furthest up the Yankees' ass, right above Buster Olney's. To a few learned people in St. Louis, he is also known for being the catcher on the many excellent Cardinals teams in the 1960's and for his relationship with Hall of Fame pitcher Bob Gibson. Despite being a famous former Cardinal, McCarver hates the team and goes out of his way to rip on the Redbirds constantly, earning him a special place in the hearts of the city of St. Louis. In fact, Tim McCarver actually once said something nice about the Cardinals during a playoff broadcast in 2000 and a small vein on the front of his brow started to pulsate at dangerous levels. After being medically cleared to return to the booth, he proceeded to knock on the home team again as usual.

To show their appreciation for McCarver's antagonistic disposition towards the club and the city, a group of local sports fans got together to honor McCarver. According to Rocky Mozell, who somehow got the rights to sell the names of the stars via the International Star Registry, anyone can name a star after someone else for a few bucks. [Stlsports plans to wait until Mozell decides to sell real estate on Jupiter. How about the acre at the exact center of the red dot?] The 'Tim McCarver Go To Hell Association' purchased from the star registry the right to name the most unstable and soonest-to-explode star so that they could have a kind of cool, kind of nerdy party where they could witness the spectacular death of Tim McCarver.

Said local scientist Roscoe Johnson, "Well actually, this star blew up millions of years ago. See, light travels at a fixed speed, and the light from the explosion took millions of years to get here. So, actually it blew up a while ago. But, you know, since we only see it here now, it looks like it is blowing up now. See, that relativity stuff is kind of cool." Regardless of the 'scientific' explanation of the workings of the blowing up of stuff far away, the TMGTHA is undaunted by their zeal to witness the nuclear death of Tim McCarver. The group plans to project images of the explosion, which is said to be just days away, onto a giant screen to be seen by the group and its guests while a great deal of beer is consumed.

Reached for comment, McCarver's partner in the broadcast booth, Joe Buck, said on the record that "Tim McCarver is the biggest windbag in the world" and that "working with McCarver is like having nails driven into my temple." Buck then curbed those remarks with, "Yeah, but FOX pays so darn much, I would do the game with anybody. Anybody except Harold 'Octopus' Reynolds." When asked why Harold Reynolds is known as the 'Octopus', Buck replied that "he is all hands, if you know what I mean." We sure do, Joe. The TMGTHA has lobbied Buck to call the explosion, but talks stalled when the group offered some beer and a t-shirt and Buck demanded ten million dollars.

For their next event, the anti-McCarver group now plans to adopt a sick and elderly dog, rename it Tim McCarver, and then have it put down.

[This story is a satire of public figures. Man, I hate Tim McCarver. Sorry, PETA.]

[BTW, if you have money to throw away, visit http://www.starregistry.com/.]

Wednesday, September 6, 2006

St. Louis sports-themed poetry contest results

Stlsports is pleased to announce the long-awaited results of the poetry contest. Below is a publication of the winning entries. Enjoy the best of the sports musings of St. Louis' finset poetic minds.

A haiku on the Blues' latest retread goalie situation:

Manny Legace?
What? Was Vincent Reindeau
Unavailable?

A limerick about a trip to Busch stadium from the view in the center field bleachers:

A baseball is hit down the line
In the air, oh my, it looks fine
I look up for the ball
As it approaches the wall
I'm blind from the neon Hardee's sign

A second limerick from a devoted Rams fan with some fantasy sports thoughts:

I wish I was a believer!
Even if you're an overacheiver.
On fantasy draft day,
Kevin Curtis slips away,
I just can't draft a white wide receiver.

Another great haiku, this one about a local big league player for the Phillies who is having an amazing season:

Hey, Ryan Howard,
Thanks for reminding the Cards
How badly they draft

This one is a free verse rhyme about an after-game party with a women's rugby team:

I was acting smoothe as could be,
But these chicks had no interest in me.
I talked to one particular hottie,
Who had a total knockout body.
"You're not my type," she said with a frown,
And I turned away, having been shot down.
As I walked off, she shouted, 'Hey, mister"
And asked me if I had a sister.

[These poems are reprinted with the authors' permission and are satires of public figures. Feel free to add your own to the comments.]

Survey: 90% of people who quote stats making them up

During a recent poll of Cardinals baseball fans, who claim to be the most intelligent spectators in the game, it appears that many people have been throwing around statistics without having any idea what they mean. In fact, many people just make up statistics to prove their point in arguments with other fans. This might come as a shock to some, but not to stlsports, for whom witnessing this type of nonsense has been going on for many years.

For example, a recent discussion overheard by stlsports at Weber's Front Row during a Cardinals game between two morons is transcribed below:

Moron 1: Pujols is a much better clutch player than Big Papi.

Moron 2: How can you make such a statement? They are in different leagues and play different positions on totally different teams.

Moron 1: Well Pujols' OPS is .860 for the year.

Moron 2: Wow, that is pretty high, I guess.

Moron 1: And since Papi only has an OPS of .790, he sucks.

Moron 2: Do you even know what OPS means?

Moron 1: Uh, sure. Overall Player Swing?

Moron 2: So, did those stats come from the newspaper or out of your ass?

This is just one all-too-common example that most people who claim to know about sports actually know nothing about sports. The OPS statistic is a detailed calculation, recently added to the baseball vernacular, obtained by taking the player's jersey number, dividing that by his walk-to-strikeout ratio, and adding that number to his road batting average. Duh, everyone knows that.

But the foolishness is still quite prominent. Many 'die-hard' Redbird fans were quizzed on their knowledge of the game, including everything from manual scoring to historical statistics. To say that the city performed poorly would be a dramatic understatement.

By example, when polled via Jumbotron by a showing of hands about the attendance at the Cardinals game last week, many people thought that Option #2, represented by a hot dog, was correct, when in fact it was Option #4, the ballcap. The craziness continued. The guy sitting next to stlsports marked down 4-3 on his scorecard for a ball hit to the second baseman and thrown to first base for an out. Since the ball was thrown from second to first, the scoring should have been 2-1, but in lieu of crashing down his little baseball world, stlsports resisted the urge to correct him.

Reached for comment, manager Tony LaRussa noted, "I am sick of this town. Why do you think I live in California? I can't get a cup of frickin' coffee without someone talking to me about stats. What's that, Mr. Idiot Baseball Fan? I should start Taguchi tonight in center based on your personal statistical analysis? Wow, thanks. Would you like my job, you fat ass? How about another donut? ... I'm sorry, I'm rambling. It's my problem, I'll deal with it. Anyway, I cannot stand hearing stats from fans. I would say that 99% of the time, they are completely wrong. The next guy who talks to me about OPS is getting punched in the face. And I am not talking a little 'Michael Barret cheap-o' punch in the face. I am talking about a 'Nolan Flippin Ryan tenderizing Robin Ventura's schnoz' punch in the face. Just you watch."

Study up, Cardinals fans. This was a disappointing showing.

[This story is only 67% satire of public figures, including the LaRussa stuff, but with an overall +/- 4% margin of error, but that's only 70% of the time, 10% of the time, and there is only a 45% chance of that.]

Tuesday, September 5, 2006

Commentary: Indoor Football much more confusing that Australian Rules Football

[This story is a commentary, which slightly deviates from the traditional format for this news service. Enjoy the experiment.]

In an effort to try and expand the sports horizions of its readers, stlsports recently attended an indoor football game at the Savvis Center. Apparently St. Louis has an indoor football team, called the River City Rage. The Rage are a part of the National Indoor Football League, which is just another in a long line of indoor bastardizations of the NFL. Stlsports had an alterior motive for attending this game: so I could figure out what the hell is going on in the EA Sports Arena Football game that I won on eBay for twenty five cents.

See, there are several schools of thought on the football played indoors rules. For one thing, you can play regular old football indoors, like we can see in person at the Edward Jones Dome downtown. The roof doesn't retract and the building doesn't have any character inside, but at least it was damned expensive and it certainly revitalized the six city blocks that it was built upon. Then there are the other kinds of indoor football, the kind played in hockey or basketball arenas by people who couldn't make it in the Canadian Football League, NFL Europe, the Women's Pro Football League or the American Geriatric Flag Football League. For your money, you get 50 yards field and crazy rules that vary from one league to another, so that no one has any freaking idea what they are watching from one league to another. For example, when stlsports went to the NIFL league game to figure out indoor football, those rules did not translate to the AFL video game, much to the vexation of stlsports.

In light of the indoor football rules discrepancy fiasco, the Arena Football League game disc is now a coaster, and actually far better serves its new purpose of keeping moisture off of furniture than it did in its original purpose of entertaining the game player. The bottom line is that unless it is football played NFL style, then it is not really football. However, since the team here at stlsports is wildly unathletic, as is the case for most sports commentators, a search was on for a more amenable form of competitive gaming that combined a love of beer with a dislike for confusing rules. That's when we were introduced to Australian Rules Football, a type of sport sweeping the ... well, nowhere. It is the ugly step child of rugby, and it absolutely kicks ass.

When asked to explain the rules of Australian Rules Football, local Aussie import Roscoe Johnson, who is a 'gutter' by trade when not playing ARF, noted, "OY! First you swazzle up a few yobbles of beer-ee-oo, then you and you mates git on the pitch and at the snag of the bell, it's a right fine noggin for hog raggin the buzzard wit the ball. Then you make sure that the bob who has the billy gets a ramble on his backside, all in the hopes of draggin the billy into the graggler. Then its time for some beeries. Fosters is for nancys. I like mine the Braggles. Thats the stovetopper." So it sounds like ARF is basically binge drinking combined with 'kill the man with the ball', which is just fine with stlsports. Isn't that what real men should be doing with their free time anyway? Is anyone surprised that something like this would come out of Australia?

Play on, brave ARFers, play on. Stlsports will be cheering, beer in hand.

Since the last stlsports post, the death of Steve Irwin, a/k/a The Crocodile Hunter, became public news. When reached for comment, ARF player Johnson noted, "I didn'a cry when me own father was hung for stealing a pig, but I'll cry now."

[This story is a satire of public figures and rediculous sports.]

[We will miss you Steve. God must have one hell of a crocodile running loose in heaven to need you up there so soon.]

Special Edition: Rejected Sports Headlines [Part 2]

Of course there are more rejected headlines! So many stupid ideas that never got off of the ground. When the headline itself is far, far funnier than the story to follow, it gets rejected. Hence, most of the following terrible headlines. Enjoy the second installation of this series. Feel free to opine which ones should be saved, if any.

So Taguchi not a very good driver [No need to endorse a stereotype, even if there are some elements of truth ... ]

Cubs fan has memorial brick edited to remove phrase 'Cards Suck' [You know, this probably really happened, but when I tried to write it, it was just too dumb.]

Time traveller from future: You must kill [sports player] [I could not figure out who it should be, but I still have a dumb reason to kill him in my head. Despite that, I am letting this one go.]

Cancer-stricken children to Blues: We aren't interested in free tickets [Since when are cancer-stricken children in a humor-related story? This would have landed me in hell.]

Local liquor stores lobby Walt Jocketty to trade for David Wells [Another spin on the Sidney Ponson / Ray King joke - already done it.]

Glue factory near Fairmount Park sees increase in production [Wow, that's dumb.]

Sequel to Three Nights in August: 'I hate you, Jason Marquis' [Wrote it a while back and it sucked. Plus, Bernie has been doing this gag for weeks on 1380am, and I wouldn't want our comments to overlap.]

Rectal Fungobatectomy required for reporter who brought up Mark McGuire in LaRussa interview [Believe it or not, there is no such procedure as a fungobatectomy.]

Hardees sign at Busch Stadium leads to increase in price of Neon gas [I just hate how commercial that stadium has become. And that damn sign is HUGE!]

Pornographic websites feeling the pinch from the fantasy football boom [Well what else is there to do on a computer?]

[Player] named ugliest man in St. Louis sports [I have a name, and you probably do too, but this one should never be written.]

[These rejected stories would have been and these headlines are satires of public figures.]

Monday, September 4, 2006

Bo Hart desperate to get noticed

Just last week the expansion of the rosters for the Cardinals' major league baseball team took place, and several prospects and part-time players have made the jump up to the major leagues for the remainded of the regular season. However, despite the teams' issues at the center of the diamond defensively, former fan-favorite Bo Hart did not get the call. Since returning to the Cardinals organization in the AAA Memphis Redbird affiliate, Hart had been trying to get noticed by the St. Louis management and make the team again. Sadly, people aren't talking about Bo anymore and he is getting desperate to get noticed.

In a recent Redbirds broadcast in Memphis, the television announcer had this call of the game: "There's strike three, and with that Schumaker goes down swinging. Well, we can take a break here for station identification and be back with the top of the sixth, right here on ... oh, my goodness. [To producer] Get camera three on the dugout. [To broadcast] It appears that in the corner of the dugout, Bo Hart is, well it appears that he is cutting himself on the arm. Can that be right? Yes, it looks like he is using a pocket knife to cut himself in his non-throwing forearm in several places. The trainer is on his way over, and ... lookout, I think we are seeing some kind of tantrum. Hart is throwing things around and shouting out to the trainer and manager that he is not loved and that nobody cares about him. Well, folks, this is about the weirdest thing I have ever seen in my life as a broadcaster. This, ... this is a black day for baseball."

Said youth therapist Roscoe Johnson about such erratic behavior, "This is typical for children who are trying to get noticed. If someone's parents, for example, have been spending too much time talking about or paying attention to the oldest child, sometimes the younger child might do dangerous things to themselves as a cry for attention. Sometimes they will do drugs or alcholol, or perhaps misbehave in school, but these rarer instances of self-harm need special attention. Ultimately, the child does get the attention that they are seeking, so it is important not to feed into their desires and create a dangerous looping effect for repetitive behavior." Upon being informed that this was not an early teen situation, but instead was that of a professional baseball player in his mid to late twenties, Johnson replied, "Well that changes things. That guy is out of his damned mind. I had no idea. He needs some real help."

Said manager Tony LaRussa about the Bo Hart situation, "I have had it up to my butt with short, white, 'scrappy', one-position infielders. How many of these clowns are in our organization? And by the way, I hate the word 'scrappy'. That is the stupidest crap I have ever heard. Stop using that word!" General manager Walt Jocketty, opined, "Oh, yeah, we noticed him alright. In fact, I noticed his ass right over to Round Rock in a trade. We only have room on our roster for a few psychos and Hart isn't one of them."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

[Thanks KES and MWS.]

Shaun McDonald named NFL preseason MVP, wants new contract

Shaun McDonald, the Rams' abhorrent punt returner, has been named the National Football League's Most Valuable Player of the 2006 preseason. This is quite an honor for an up and coming receiver, and the first time that someone who was actually drafted in the regular NFL draft won this honor. This adds to McDonald's already impressive resume that includes three touchdowns in four seasons and a practice squad player of the year award from the Rams. But now he has chosen to hold out for a new contract in light of his recent accolades.

To earn this accolade, the scrappy player managed to record 156 punt return yards, 175 kickoff return yards, and two receiving touchdowns to accompany his 13 catches for 117 yards in just three preseason games. He is pleased with now being called scrappy rather than just crappy. "That little 's' is a big deal to me," he opined. "Too bad preseason football stats don't count towards the rest of the year. If they did, I would be a perennial pro bowler."

McDonald has been getting counsel from another member of the league, one who has also been named the preseason NFL MVP, as well as the MVP of the now defunct XFL, Rod Smart, f/k/a He Hate Me. Smart also held out, noting that, "After my first preseason game, where I had six rushes for seventy yards, with a couple touchdowns agains the Houston third string defense, I was on pace to set league records in several offensive caterogies. It was payday time. But as usual, The Man was hating on me." Accordingly, the Panthers begged to differ, who in a counteroffer to Smart's demands, told him that under a tucked-away contract clause, he could be made to work the hot dog concession stands if he tried to hold out for more money. Smart relented and went on that season to play as a back-up special teams player, where he sucked.

When asked about the holdout, John Shaw of the the Rams' front office, asked, "Who the hell is that? Wait, didn't we cut that guy like three years ago? Hmm." After a brief investigation, it was determined that he had been cut in the 2004 preseason, but that no one told him, and through some glitch in accounting, he kept getting paid. "Well I just fixed the glitch, and it should work itself out," concluded Shaw.

McDonald noted, "I haven't heard back from the Rams yet, but I expect that they will be caving into my demands soon. I mean, what can they do without the McD Man?" McDonald's preseason replacement, a WR/RB 'tweener' Roscoe Johnson, returned a punt and a kickoff for touchdowns in the subsequent game against the Bears' first team special teams. Said Johnson, "I really don't like being called a 'tweener', since I think, according to schoolyard lingo, that means that I have both sets of genitalia. I don't. I mean, I am all man. Now, I am pretty sure that there is a true 'tweener' on the team, based on what I've seen in the showers, but I should not really get into that." When asked about his preseason accomplishments, Johnson opined, "Yeah, that was pretty awesome, a real testament to my value. I am thinking of holding out for more money."

[This story is a satire of public figures. BTW, I really dislike preseason football.]

Friday, September 1, 2006

Klopfenstein Uber Allen! to replace Let's Go Rams!

The Rams drafted tight end Joe Klopfenstein out of the University of Colorado in the second round as a replacement for the departing Brandon Manuma, uh, Manomau, ah, let's see, Maenumomomo, ... uh, Brandon Smith. Joe, who is commonly mistaken for a native German becuase of his last name, was actually born here in America, right up the highway in Denver, Colorado. Nonetheless, several German-born St. Louisans have taken notice and are beginning to root for Joe, thinking that he is their native son.

Rams team president John Shaw is not going to disagree with those new fans. "You might not believe it, but very few native-Germans living here in America follow our football," remarked Shaw. "Of course they follow football, but they call it soccer. It is a little confusing, I know, but stick with me here. Anything we can do to tap into a new fan base, we are certainly going to attempt."

Shaw plans to reach out to these fans through a series of public service announcements. In a recent commercial, Klopfenstein, who is clearly reading from a teleprompter in a slow and confused manner, while wearing a shirt that looks like the German national flag, reached out to those fans. "Ich möchte Ventilatoren anregen, für mich während des Spiels." Joe continued, to a producer off camera, "What the hell does this shit mean?" Back facing the camera, the tight end noted, "Ich verspreche ein leistungsfähiges und moralisch emporhebendes Gleiches des amerikanischen Fußballs. What? Is this BS in my contract? I need to fire dat, I mean that, agent." The PSA ended with Klopfenstein asking the fans, "Bitte Nehmenanmerkung meiner Geschwindigkeit und Fähigkeiten, wie ich die Kugel mich verfange und hinunter auffangene laufe."

At the latest preseason football game, a pack of rowdy face paint-wearing hooligans showed up to cheer on Klopfenstein. Although the security at the Edward Jones Dome is adept at confiscating outside alcohol in the form of open beer cans and looking for weapons such as guns, they miss other hooligan-type contraband. Accordingly, several goons were seen drinking absynthe out of a hollowed out prosthetic limb and producing lead pipes and road flares from places unknown on their bodies.

Needless to say, those non-hooligan St. Louisans sitting in Section 120 that night were treated to a European flavor for sporting events not seen in America since the World Cup of Soccer was hosted here some years ago. At latest count, thirteen people have been wounded, and two cheerleaders are missing. The Dome has suffered one hundred thousand dollars in damage and extra security has been hired for future home games.

Thank you, John Shaw, for your commitment to and success at bringing in new fans!

[Diese Geschichte ist eine Satire der berühmten Leute. Wait, I mean this story is a satire of public figures.]

[Check out this page to make sense of this crap.]

[Thanks MWS.]

Two "3000th strikeout" balls go up for auction

Earlier this week Red Sox pitcher Curt Shilling recorded his three thousandth strikeout, with Nick Swisher being his victim. Not since Roger Clemens struck out Edgar Renteria a few seasons ago has a major league pitcher attained this landmark achievement. As only the 14th player to reach this milestone as a pitcher, Shilling chose to sign this ball and auction it off for charity.

Another player also reached the three thousand strikeout milestone, that being Jim Edmonds, who managed to attain this level of futility as a batter, rather than as a pitcher. Slightly less awesome of an accomplishment, it is garnering him some attention nonetheless. Edmonds has decided to sign this ball as well and put it up for auction alongside the Shilling ball. As of press time, the Shilling ball had a high bid of eight thousand dollars by a loyal Red Sox fan and the Edmonds ball had only one bid of one million dollars by Todd McFarlane.

Commentators have noted that this has been quite a tumble for Edmonds, who was considered an MVP candidate only a few seasons ago. On the subject of Edmonds' inglorious mark, his current manager Tony LaRussa, remarked, "I don't know how that dude stayed in the league with three thousand damned strikeouts. Only a special type of player can reach a milestone like that, as a batter, that is. I mean, yeah, I play him hurt all the time, be it sprains, strains, blurred vision or hemorrhoids, so he gets more strikeouts because of injury, but three thousand? Wow. Now, if I myself had played for twenty years, I would have had five thousand strikeouts, easy. I was that bad. But Jim, like I said, is a special kind of player in my mind."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]