The Rams have a tough test this weekend, and not just because they are playing on the road. While it is true that the Rams are playing the putrid Oakland Raiders in the Ex-Los Angeles Relocation Bowl, there are bigger problems for the team to face down besides their terrible track record away from the Dome during the seasons past. It is the inconsistent play of the Rams' offensive line, which has been plagued by penalties and errors in the past few weeks. The league officials assigned to this spectacle have already prepared for this upcoming game by preemptively calling offensive tackle Alex Barron for five false start penalties, two days before the game takes place.
Noted head coach Scott Linehan, "I am just glad that they did not mix in a couple holding penalties, because it would not surprise me if that was to happen a few times this Sunday as well. Toss in some Richie Incognito illegal blocks and an unsportsmanlike conduct flag, and you've got yourself an O-line." When asked if he thought it was highly inappropriate for the league to penalize Barron for penalties he has not yet committed, and very well might not commit, he replied, "Frankly, after what I have seen in practice this week, five false starts might get us off a little easy."
Confronted with the situation, team president John Shaw commented, "Seriously, things are getting a little nuts here, having watched these games and from what I have seen in practices." He continued, "I wonder if [punter] Matt Turk can pass block without getting a penalty on a drive. That might be something new for us to try. I know Steven Jackson loves picking up the pass rushers that move through the revolving door between Incognito and Barron. We could have him move up to the line to block."
The Rams have asked the league officiating crew if the false start penalties could all be enforced simultaneously on the opening drive in the hopes that Barron doesn't hurt the Rams too badly in this game, throughout the game. Linehan noted, "I think we can deal with a first and forty to start the game. Those penalties really kill drives and by putting them together early on, we can work with it from there. Even though this seems rediculous, it is a huge advantage for us. Later in the game when he is jumping out of his shoes at the defensive linemen taunting, we will still be in great shape because of the referees' ingenuity. Really, this is a great innovation for the league."
In a seemingly unrelated story, Chris Henry of the Cincinnati Bengals was preemptively arrested for gun charges yesterday, Rams defensive end Leonard Little was preemptively ticketed for an undisclosed driving offense (which was later dismissed), and LaDanian Tomlinson was preemptively suspended by the league for using an as of yet undetectable banned performance enhancing substance.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
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