Cardinals owners ask city for money to send their kids to college

Like the sun rising in the east, the ownership group of the St. Louis Cardinals is again asking the city for additional funding. In the recent past, the owners have received tax breaks as well as public funding for their team-related ventures. Many opponents of public funding have tried to make the owners pay for the stadium themselves, and yet the perqs have come from city, state and regional governments. After a brief flirtation with the idea of moving the team to the east side of the Mississippi River, everyone not named Rev. Earl Nance stopped laughing long enough to work out a deal that was believed to benefit both sides. Now the team ownership has come back to the citizens and their government, hat in hand again, and is asking for more money. However, this time they need funding to finance their children's colleges.

The children of team owner Bill DeWitt plan on attending very expensive private schools, typically only reserved for the finest minds or the deepest pockets in America. This education will include first class dormitory lodging, fraternity and sorority dues, spring break trips, semesters abroad, food and, of course, exceptional amounts of beverages. In lieu of paying for this himself, Mr. DeWitt feels that the people of St. Louis and all of Missouri should help fund this educational endeavour in an effort to revitalize the downtown area and bring new jobs back to the city. Said Mr. DeWitt, "It is a proven fact that the more money you spend on sports teams, the better things go for a city. Therefore, the more money spent on the expensive colleges of the children of sports team owners, the better things go for a city. Trust me, I am a shrewd businessman and cannot possibly explain this in terms you would understand. Now just give me the money."

In addition to funding for the private education of team owner children, it has been suggested that the ballpark village also provide luxury housing accomodations to Bill DeWitt and other elite members of team management and ownership. Said Mr. DeWitt, "I thought that part of this whole stadium and village deal was to get people to move back downtown. I am willing to be one of those people. I just need some new digs. I am not looking for Russell Simmons quality housing, but something more along the lines of Sean 'Diddy' Combs or Mariah Carey quality housing." As far as particular amenities, he is willing to make some concessions. "I can pay for the live-in chef and butler, but the city should subsidize the remainder fo the expenses. I mean, those ballpark luxury residences won't build themselves. I need some help since I am a little strapped for cash."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

[If the Rev. Nance reference lost you, read this.]

[Finally, a website! ChBe sure to click on the second-to-last celebrity photo, and look at the 'oh crap, I'm on camera with this guy' face in that pic.]