Rams rookie hazing update

A regular tradition on local professional sports teams is the hazing of rookie players. For example, Blues forward Jamal Mayers had his eyebrows dyed in stripes when he first started. This year the Steamers rookies had to put on an amusing skit where they all wore dresses and makeup. For the Cardinals, the rookies have to carry the veterans' bags. Some critics have recently noted that a few of the Rams' hazing incidents this season might have gone a little too far. The veteran players dismiss such accusations and claim that it is all a part of joining the league.

Said Rams defensive tackle Jimmy Kennedy about the rookie hazing, "Well, when I joined the team as a rookie, they made me shave my eyebrows and I also had to eat some worms. I thought that this year we should kick it up a couple notches, so we went to Tye Hill's house, kidnapped him in the middle of the night and buried him alive in the middle of Tower Grove Park. Who's hot stuff now, Rook?" It was then explained to Kennedy that you need to breathe in order to live and that breathing underground was basically impossible, to which he replied, "Oh, well too bad then. I guess we need to spend next season's number one pick on another cornerback. Booyah! We got him good!"

When approached about the hazing issue at Rams Park, team captain Leonard Little commented that, "Perhaps we took the Tye Hill thing a little too far. But, I mean, no one got hurt when we hazed rookie Joe Klopfenstein. We made sure he was out on the town with the rest of the offense when we set fire to his apartment. Hoo-ah, that was some good hazing." Little was then told that the apartment complex fire that he and the rest of the defensive line started had left twenty innocent families homeless. In reply, he noted, "Serves 'em right for livin' next to a rookie."

In what now appears to be a related story, Rams rookie defensive tackle Claude Wroten swam to feedom somewhere near Cairo, Illinois, after being hit on the head with a crowbar by an unknown assailant after leaving Rams Park. He was then rolled up in a rug and thrown off of the Eads Bridge, but luckily managed to survive the ordeal. Police were investigating, but upon learning that it was most likely a Rams hazing-related incident, have ceased their efforts and let the team off with a warning. "Boys will be boys," noted a police spokesperson.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]