KSDK accidentally shows NASCAR highlights

During the dinnertime broadcasts of the local news on KSDK, the NBC affiliate in St. Louis, the final segment is dedicated to sports, as it should be. This evening was no exception, as sports director Rene Knott (that's ren-ee, not ruh-nay - this is a guy) did his usual 'I wish I was on ESPN' routine for the viewing audience. Rene can read from a teleprompter like the best of them, and can even convincingly feign interest in hockey, which is quite impressive. Why Malcom Briggs was thrown out on his ass after years of service, when he was clearly in line for the sports director position at KSDK, is becoming more and more apparent with each Rene Knott broadcast. However something terrible happend this evening when Knott gave NASCAR highlights during the sports report.

Some hick named Jimmie Johnson ran in the Hillbilly 400 last weekend, and in doing so managed to win the NASCAR Chase for the Cup. The Cup no doubt contains Busch or Pabst, but nonetheless this is a big deal out where Missouri is actually Missouruh. Not so much in St. Louis, and hence the controversy. Johnson (not the football coach / commentator) cleverly secured the Cup title with not a win, but a ninth place finish. The way this works is the top ten points leaders after so many races are eligible for the championship, but everyone else still races. So the guy who wins the title could actually not win any of the final races, or something like that. And people not good enough to be in the Chase can will all of the Chase races. Only in NASCAR, where filling your gastank in a quick and efficient manner that would make most German's proud, and where automotive maintenance is performed rather haphazardly, can you find that kind of rip roaring ninth place finishes that make you want to cheer.

Before the broadcast aired, an intern who thought the racecar stuff was remotely newsworthy queued up some clips from the race and typed in some text into the teleprompter. Like most talentless talking heads, Knott simply read what was scrolling in front of him on the teleprompter. After talking about Pujols losing another MVP award to an inferior player, and after lamenting the Rams' listless performance in Carolina, Knott moved onto other things. Then NASCAR clips started rolling and he began to give details. Luckily for KSDK, someone in the studio was paying attention and put a quick stop to the bit before the entire segment could run its course. After a seemingly endless ninety seconds of dead air, the station came back online and an immediate apology was issued.

Said station a station public relations representative, when reached for comment, "We have taken some heat for airing the racing stuff, and for that we sincerely apologize. We know that St. Louis sports fans just want to see us talk about the Cardinals and Rams, and occassionaly the Blues, with some other stuff sprinkled in. But NASCAR is inexcusable, and I am really just keeping my fingers crossed that the FCC doesn't come down on us too hard. We really took a whallop when we hired a female sports reporter. That was a heck of a fine. Plus we lost quite a few viewers. But this gaffe might just cost us our license. I hope not."

Mayor Francis Slay, so angry that he could barely speak, noted, "I almost choked on my dinner! It was like out of a cartoon or a bad comedy! I really spit out the contents of my mouth, I was so flabbergasted. This is really inexcusable. KSDK has been living fast and loose over there in thier ivory tower on Market Street, and it is about time for the Mayoral You-Know-What-Kickers to do a little straightening up. Starting Tuesday, that station is under new management. Welcome to City TV 5, St. Louis. No more Rene Knott, no more Frank Cusamano, and no more damned NASCAR clips. You can keep that cute little blondie who does sports, though, that one's fine. But I am taking over." When asked if the Mayor's zeal for hands-on management and the ease with which is coup of the station took place could be applied to the local school board, he replied, "I am taking away your press credentials. That was your last warning. I told you not to bring that up, but you did it anyway."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]