Cardinals lefty Mark Mulder has been absolutely terrible for the past few months. Since getting lit up like a Kennedy at a Christmas party in the White Sox series, he has been throwing nothing but grapefruit pitches that look like underhanded beach balls to the batters. Accordingly, his game has dropped off and Cardinal Nation is in an uproar. Even AAA batters had their way with Mulder, who has earned the name "Red-Headed Stepchild" in the team locker room. This is not the starting pitcher that the team thought it was getting when it traded away two top prospects and a fine bullpen pitcher.
But Mulder has recently found something to be optomistic about. It seems that his slider is back, and his curveball has amazing movement to it. Additionally, he has discovered a two seam fastball, as well as a riser, which is something only seen in womens' softball. This is all thanks to a change in his equipment and a little miracle called the Wiffleball TM.
In what league scouts have called 'awesome', Mulder has been baffling hitters during bullpen sessions and simulated games. Equipment Manager Rip Rowan noted that "Mark's location has been off, and he had no movement on any of his pitches. But then my buddy invited me over to a barbeque last week and we played something called Wiffleball TM. I knew then that this was the miracle that Mark needed to get his game back."
A Wiffleball TM is a plastic baseball-sized ball that has a bunch of longitudinal holes in one hemisphere, and depending on how the ball is thrown, it can do crazy things. Pitching coach Dave Duncan explained that "since Mulder is a lefty, when he throws the Wiffleball TM with the holes to his right, he gets a slider. When it has the holes to the left, he gets a changeup / two seam fastball. The holes down creates a curve / sinker and the holes up creates a riser. See, it is all explained here on the Wiffleball TM box."
Now that he has his game back, and even some improvements, Mark has been baffling batting practice hitters. Outfielder Juan Encarnacion commented on getting schooled by Mulder in a session, "Man, that ball was all over the place. I just couldn't make contact at all. Of course, at that point in the simulated game, there were simulated runners in scoring position, and I can't hit worth a damn with runners in scoring position, so it was really an unfair test."
League commissioner Bud Selig, when approached about the possibility of letting Mark use the Wiffleball TM in live-game situations, asked that he not be informed of anything that is going on in the game to give any players an advantage. "I prefer to bury my head in the sand on this one," said Mr. Selig. "Once Mark has set the league records for most strikeouts in a game and shutouts in a season will I launch a half-assed investigation. Only then."
[This story is a satire of public figures. And Wiffleballs TM are awesome.]
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Bowling Hall of Fame much more fun when drinking
A recent change in policy at the Bowling Hall of Fame, which you may or may not know is located in St. Louis, means that fans touring the museum will no longer be able to consume alcohol as they pass through the exhibits. Most people associate bowling with beer, and in a recent survey of sports that you can play with a beer in one hand, bowling came in third, behind shuffleboard and golden tee, and just ahead of badminton. [Please note, stlsports does not discriminate against what some people might consider non-sports. If there is some skill, we will call it a sport. Therefore, being awesome at, oh, let's say volleyball, and also being a great chess player DOES make you a two sport athlete. God bless 'em.] Since most people bowl with a beer in hand and about three or four in their bellies, the BHOF had offered free beers every twenty feet inside the museum. Customers had become accustomed to strolling down bowling's version of memory lane at the BHOF while getting progressively drunker. But, sadly, no more.
In a recent interview with Roscoe Johnson, the head of the BHOF, he was asked why there was a change in policy at his museum. "We are trying to get rid of the public image that bowlers are all beer-bellied slobs," he said. "You know, bowling used to be a respected sport. Heck, even Jack Buck used to call bowling matches on the radio, but not anymore. It's all these other games nowadays that these kids are into. I just don't understand it. So we need to clean up out image and get the beer out of the museum." When asked if he would be comfortable bowling without a beer, he responded, "Hell no."
Some recent visitors to the museum were asked about their experience when they came out of the exit. Said one tourist, "Good lord, I had no idea how boring bowling is. After that exhibit, I think I am going to take up reading books or playing piano. I used to love bowling, but without the beer, I now realize that I was just wasting my time. All you bowlers out there need to go on this tour sober and realize that bowling is a terrible cancer in your life!"
Since implementing his plan for a beer-free museum several weeks ago, Johnson has noted a marked decline in BHOF visitors. Local bowling alleys have been suffering, too, while library book check-outs have tripled. In an unrelated story, the national Darts Hall of Fame, located just blocks away, has seen a five-fold increase in visitors.
[This story is a satire of a public figures, and also of a public place.]
In a recent interview with Roscoe Johnson, the head of the BHOF, he was asked why there was a change in policy at his museum. "We are trying to get rid of the public image that bowlers are all beer-bellied slobs," he said. "You know, bowling used to be a respected sport. Heck, even Jack Buck used to call bowling matches on the radio, but not anymore. It's all these other games nowadays that these kids are into. I just don't understand it. So we need to clean up out image and get the beer out of the museum." When asked if he would be comfortable bowling without a beer, he responded, "Hell no."
Some recent visitors to the museum were asked about their experience when they came out of the exit. Said one tourist, "Good lord, I had no idea how boring bowling is. After that exhibit, I think I am going to take up reading books or playing piano. I used to love bowling, but without the beer, I now realize that I was just wasting my time. All you bowlers out there need to go on this tour sober and realize that bowling is a terrible cancer in your life!"
Since implementing his plan for a beer-free museum several weeks ago, Johnson has noted a marked decline in BHOF visitors. Local bowling alleys have been suffering, too, while library book check-outs have tripled. In an unrelated story, the national Darts Hall of Fame, located just blocks away, has seen a five-fold increase in visitors.
[This story is a satire of a public figures, and also of a public place.]
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Medical Update: Bleeding Blue not actually healthy
A team of physicians at Washington University School of Medicine has recently released a detailed report, the result of a multi-million dollar, three-year campaign aimed at answering one of the most intruiging questions in all of St. Louis: Do you bleed blue? The answer: You better not.
"Apparently, when you bleed, it should be red," observed Roscoe Johnson, the lead researcher on this project. "You see, it just isn't healthy to bleed blue. If you are bleeding blue, you might have some food dye in your blood, for example. Food dye should not be in your blood. Or maybe toilet bowl cleaner. Who would want that in their blood? I think that this is a totally irresponsible campaign launched by the Blues." Johnson was referring to the St. Louis Blues hockey club advertisements.
Stlsports asked the university president if he was aware that 'bleeding blue' is not a literal term, but instead a euphamism for team loyalty, to which he responded, "No." He went on to note that had someone mentioned that to him years ago, millions might not have been wasted on this project.
When asked why researchers at one of the top medical universities in the country would waste their time on something so stupid as this study, Roscoe Johnson responded, "The federal government gives out so much money each year, you see. If you don't use it all in one year, then you get less the next year. So in a few years we might really need all of that cash, so we have to find ways to use it when we don't need it. It really is quite simple. For example, I am planning for next year a study on how many gallons of pickle brine an average person should consume in a week. Really, this is fascinating stuff, and the public should thank us for helping enlighten them. In fact, where is my damned Nobel prize?"
Pressed further, Johnson commented that "bleeding blue, even in the team loyalty metaphorical sense, is also not that healthy." Apparently studies have shown that Blues fans are more likely to binge drink, typically around the end of the first round of the NHL playoffs. Statistics also show that bridge jumper numbers tend to increase around that time, as well as pornographic video sales. "You see, being a Blues fan is just not good for you. As an alternative, I suggest watching the WNBA, where fundamentals and teamwork are emphasised. In fact, I have theorized that watching the WNBA might well be shown to cure cancer, if done while sitting on a microwave. I plan to conduct a lengthy and costly study on the subject through Washington University, starting this fall."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
"Apparently, when you bleed, it should be red," observed Roscoe Johnson, the lead researcher on this project. "You see, it just isn't healthy to bleed blue. If you are bleeding blue, you might have some food dye in your blood, for example. Food dye should not be in your blood. Or maybe toilet bowl cleaner. Who would want that in their blood? I think that this is a totally irresponsible campaign launched by the Blues." Johnson was referring to the St. Louis Blues hockey club advertisements.
Stlsports asked the university president if he was aware that 'bleeding blue' is not a literal term, but instead a euphamism for team loyalty, to which he responded, "No." He went on to note that had someone mentioned that to him years ago, millions might not have been wasted on this project.
When asked why researchers at one of the top medical universities in the country would waste their time on something so stupid as this study, Roscoe Johnson responded, "The federal government gives out so much money each year, you see. If you don't use it all in one year, then you get less the next year. So in a few years we might really need all of that cash, so we have to find ways to use it when we don't need it. It really is quite simple. For example, I am planning for next year a study on how many gallons of pickle brine an average person should consume in a week. Really, this is fascinating stuff, and the public should thank us for helping enlighten them. In fact, where is my damned Nobel prize?"
Pressed further, Johnson commented that "bleeding blue, even in the team loyalty metaphorical sense, is also not that healthy." Apparently studies have shown that Blues fans are more likely to binge drink, typically around the end of the first round of the NHL playoffs. Statistics also show that bridge jumper numbers tend to increase around that time, as well as pornographic video sales. "You see, being a Blues fan is just not good for you. As an alternative, I suggest watching the WNBA, where fundamentals and teamwork are emphasised. In fact, I have theorized that watching the WNBA might well be shown to cure cancer, if done while sitting on a microwave. I plan to conduct a lengthy and costly study on the subject through Washington University, starting this fall."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Elliot Davis' "You Paid For It" visits Busch Stadium
Elliot Davis, the hard-hitting investigative news reporter for television station KMOV (the local CBS affilliate), is known for his aggressive and relentless pursuit of justice for the ripped-off. On his "You Paid For It" news segments, he regularly gets answers when others cannot, and thus he is respected both in his field and by the viewers. Davis recently paid a visit to the offices of Cardinals owner Bill DeWitt, and the stlsports blog news team was invited to tag along.
Davis, stlsports and a KMOV camera crew approached the new Busch Stadium, unsure what kind of resistance we would be encountering. We entered the main executive office lobby, and proceeded towards the large wooden double doors, behind which sat the most important people in St. Louis sports. "Sir, you can't go in there," shouted the receptionist. Davis, disregarding her completely, turned to me and said, "If I had a dollar for every time some secretary, receptionist, security guard, judge, federal agent or air marshall told me I couldn't do something or go somewhere, I would be a friggin' millionare, baby. That's what real journalism is about." He added, "Take a lesson, son," possibly implying that reporting fake insider sports news is somehow not real journalism.
Upon entering the executive office suite, we made our way to team president Mark Lamping's office. Mr. Lamping appeared to be reading the back pages of The Riverfront Times, when he looked up and saw Davis in his doorway. Before anyone could say anything, Lamping threw down his paper, knocked over his coffee and shouted, "Oh, shit, it's Elliot Davis!" He then proceeded to hurl his body through the large window in his office. As shrill screams and honking car horns filled the office from the street below, Davis casually looked at me and said, "Well, that happens more often than you might think. For some reason, I just get that kind of reaction from lots of people."
We left the crime scene and went down the hall towards other personell offices. Walt Jocketty came out of his office, and looked up at us with a stunned expression on his face. "Dammit, what are you doing here?," pondered Jocketty out loud. He continued, stating that, "I have seen enough editions of your show to know that when Elliot Friggin Davis and a camera crew come into your office, you had better start running in the other direction. Listen, Walt doesn't know where all of that missing baseball equipment wound up. I am serious. I know I am sweating, but Walt likes his chicken hot. It's the Kung Pow!" Mr. Jocketty then hastily ran out of the offices and could be seen minutes later speeding away down Broadway in his Mercedes, hurling what appeared to be helmets and gloves out of his window.
Finally, we arrived at the doors to Mr. Bill DeWitt's private chambers, and Davis prepared himself for the most aggressive and confrontational interview in at least twenty four hours. Davis barged right in and the bright camera lights turned on. "What are you doing here? You can't be in here!", shouted DeWitt, clearly flustered. "Mr. DeWitt, I'm here to get some hard answers," began Davis, who went on to heavily criticize the owner for mismanaging funds and making several unwise business decisions, despite pleading letters from paying customers.
After berating the team owner on camera, and having been finally thrown out of the building by security, our evening was complete. It seemed to stlsports to be a poor climax to what was going to be an amazing news story. Davis opined that we had "done some real good tonight." Did we, Elliot? I'm not so sure about that. All we did was harass a wealthy, stingy businessman who now has to cut player salaries to hire more security guards and install more cameras.
The fans have not been vindicated. It is the players who will suffer. Poor Jimmy Edmonds won't get his extension picked up thanks to you, Elliot Davis. Darn you, Elliot Davis. You and your hard-hitting reporting. I think the lesson here is to never ask tough questions of important people. Holding people accountable only hurts the little guys, like Jim Edmonds. I am so sorry, Jimmy.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
[Now that I have written it, I have to say it is pretty dumb. Oh well.]
Davis, stlsports and a KMOV camera crew approached the new Busch Stadium, unsure what kind of resistance we would be encountering. We entered the main executive office lobby, and proceeded towards the large wooden double doors, behind which sat the most important people in St. Louis sports. "Sir, you can't go in there," shouted the receptionist. Davis, disregarding her completely, turned to me and said, "If I had a dollar for every time some secretary, receptionist, security guard, judge, federal agent or air marshall told me I couldn't do something or go somewhere, I would be a friggin' millionare, baby. That's what real journalism is about." He added, "Take a lesson, son," possibly implying that reporting fake insider sports news is somehow not real journalism.
Upon entering the executive office suite, we made our way to team president Mark Lamping's office. Mr. Lamping appeared to be reading the back pages of The Riverfront Times, when he looked up and saw Davis in his doorway. Before anyone could say anything, Lamping threw down his paper, knocked over his coffee and shouted, "Oh, shit, it's Elliot Davis!" He then proceeded to hurl his body through the large window in his office. As shrill screams and honking car horns filled the office from the street below, Davis casually looked at me and said, "Well, that happens more often than you might think. For some reason, I just get that kind of reaction from lots of people."
We left the crime scene and went down the hall towards other personell offices. Walt Jocketty came out of his office, and looked up at us with a stunned expression on his face. "Dammit, what are you doing here?," pondered Jocketty out loud. He continued, stating that, "I have seen enough editions of your show to know that when Elliot Friggin Davis and a camera crew come into your office, you had better start running in the other direction. Listen, Walt doesn't know where all of that missing baseball equipment wound up. I am serious. I know I am sweating, but Walt likes his chicken hot. It's the Kung Pow!" Mr. Jocketty then hastily ran out of the offices and could be seen minutes later speeding away down Broadway in his Mercedes, hurling what appeared to be helmets and gloves out of his window.
Finally, we arrived at the doors to Mr. Bill DeWitt's private chambers, and Davis prepared himself for the most aggressive and confrontational interview in at least twenty four hours. Davis barged right in and the bright camera lights turned on. "What are you doing here? You can't be in here!", shouted DeWitt, clearly flustered. "Mr. DeWitt, I'm here to get some hard answers," began Davis, who went on to heavily criticize the owner for mismanaging funds and making several unwise business decisions, despite pleading letters from paying customers.
After berating the team owner on camera, and having been finally thrown out of the building by security, our evening was complete. It seemed to stlsports to be a poor climax to what was going to be an amazing news story. Davis opined that we had "done some real good tonight." Did we, Elliot? I'm not so sure about that. All we did was harass a wealthy, stingy businessman who now has to cut player salaries to hire more security guards and install more cameras.
The fans have not been vindicated. It is the players who will suffer. Poor Jimmy Edmonds won't get his extension picked up thanks to you, Elliot Davis. Darn you, Elliot Davis. You and your hard-hitting reporting. I think the lesson here is to never ask tough questions of important people. Holding people accountable only hurts the little guys, like Jim Edmonds. I am so sorry, Jimmy.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
[Now that I have written it, I have to say it is pretty dumb. Oh well.]
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Recap: Fantasy football draft party Beer Bitch lodges complaint
Across the country, fantasy football drafts are taking place. One of stlsports' draft parties was this past weekend, and in this league a draft party tradition is to nominate the team owner who makes the worst pick of any given round to serve as the 'Beer Bitch' for the next round. The term beer bitch is simply defined as the guy who is responsible for keeping everyone else's beer at optimal volumes. At the conclusion of the draft, the team owner with the most votes throughout the draft was made the Beer Bitch for the remainder of the evening, which consisted of a barbeque, drunken wiffleball, poker and video gaming.
The draft went well, and several managers made several bad decisions throughout the evening. As the draft wound down, it appeared that the grand poobah Beer Bitch for the night would be one of three particularly inept individuals. In the interest of keeping the identities of these people hidden, and thus preventing the shame and opprobrium that comes with such a title, fake names have been created. For Josh, we will call him Cupcake. For Chris, how about Dumpling. And for Mike, the perennial league doormat and regular behind-the-woodshed victim, let's go with, oh I don't know, Flapjack.
Of particular concern for Flapjack was that he had received Beer Bitch votes very consistently, even when he had made a good pick. He even managed to get votes for a draft round for which he did not have a pick. This raised suspicions of collusion amongst managers, as well as a vendetta from those with whom he would not trade. Flapjack's plan was simple: get so stupidly drunk that he would be too incapacitated to perform his duties. The plan worked, partially. Flapjack got blitzed, all right. In fact, he got so drunk that with his bare hands he picked up a searing hot metal pot off of the barbeque pit that was being used to cook Red Hot Wings. Blinded by pain and stupidity, Flapjack was done for the night. The final voting cast the title of Beer Bitch upon Flapjack, who was unable to muster the ability to pour beer with his one working hand. He is useless, and may all of his players go on the disabled list.
As to the other league hacks, Dumpling earned most of his votes early-on in the draft, having selected rookies and injured players, as well as several has-beens. Although Dumpling has made some progress in the past, I predict a 180 degree turnaround this season and complete regression. Cupcake was nice enough to host the party, although the high nerd content of the event made it seem a little Dungeons and Dragon-ish. Seriously, there was a league power point recap (a la EA Games), which included highlights from last years' teams and playoff bracket, an update on league rules and football clip art taken [undoubtedly] without regard for copyright from the ESPN website. Cupcake, like a true fantasy footballer, had his very sick wife taking care of herself in the next room while he hosted the party. In fact, she even came out to help him with the food and beverages. What a trooper.
Coming up this week for stlsports is another fantasy football draft, this one with my wife's brothers and their friends. They are a more casual bunch, and each game is met with an optional alcoholic side bet. Only Jimmy, who we will call Sugarpie to hide his identity, welches on his side bets and cannot be trusted in making trades. Shame on you, Sugarpie. The rest of the group is an honest, drunken bunch, and I look forward to playing again this season.
Good luck, stlsports readers, in your fantasy football drafts and subsequent seasons. Just remember, too much sitting in front of a computer managing your team can make you sterile.
[This story is not a satire at all, but a true account of sports nerds. This all happened, I am sorry to say.]
[As you can see, it was a busy weekend - sorry for the no-post-Monday.]
The draft went well, and several managers made several bad decisions throughout the evening. As the draft wound down, it appeared that the grand poobah Beer Bitch for the night would be one of three particularly inept individuals. In the interest of keeping the identities of these people hidden, and thus preventing the shame and opprobrium that comes with such a title, fake names have been created. For Josh, we will call him Cupcake. For Chris, how about Dumpling. And for Mike, the perennial league doormat and regular behind-the-woodshed victim, let's go with, oh I don't know, Flapjack.
Of particular concern for Flapjack was that he had received Beer Bitch votes very consistently, even when he had made a good pick. He even managed to get votes for a draft round for which he did not have a pick. This raised suspicions of collusion amongst managers, as well as a vendetta from those with whom he would not trade. Flapjack's plan was simple: get so stupidly drunk that he would be too incapacitated to perform his duties. The plan worked, partially. Flapjack got blitzed, all right. In fact, he got so drunk that with his bare hands he picked up a searing hot metal pot off of the barbeque pit that was being used to cook Red Hot Wings. Blinded by pain and stupidity, Flapjack was done for the night. The final voting cast the title of Beer Bitch upon Flapjack, who was unable to muster the ability to pour beer with his one working hand. He is useless, and may all of his players go on the disabled list.
As to the other league hacks, Dumpling earned most of his votes early-on in the draft, having selected rookies and injured players, as well as several has-beens. Although Dumpling has made some progress in the past, I predict a 180 degree turnaround this season and complete regression. Cupcake was nice enough to host the party, although the high nerd content of the event made it seem a little Dungeons and Dragon-ish. Seriously, there was a league power point recap (a la EA Games), which included highlights from last years' teams and playoff bracket, an update on league rules and football clip art taken [undoubtedly] without regard for copyright from the ESPN website. Cupcake, like a true fantasy footballer, had his very sick wife taking care of herself in the next room while he hosted the party. In fact, she even came out to help him with the food and beverages. What a trooper.
Coming up this week for stlsports is another fantasy football draft, this one with my wife's brothers and their friends. They are a more casual bunch, and each game is met with an optional alcoholic side bet. Only Jimmy, who we will call Sugarpie to hide his identity, welches on his side bets and cannot be trusted in making trades. Shame on you, Sugarpie. The rest of the group is an honest, drunken bunch, and I look forward to playing again this season.
Good luck, stlsports readers, in your fantasy football drafts and subsequent seasons. Just remember, too much sitting in front of a computer managing your team can make you sterile.
[This story is not a satire at all, but a true account of sports nerds. This all happened, I am sorry to say.]
[As you can see, it was a busy weekend - sorry for the no-post-Monday.]
Financial News: Blues tickets worth less than Confederate money
The St. Louis Blues hockey franchise is coming off of a terrible season, and that is putting it nicely. The team managed to obtain a league-low 57 points and established franchise records for fewest sellouts, most shutout losses, lowest attendance, fewest points, fewest goals, most losses and the fewest cheap taco celebrations. After drafting the number one overall prospect, things seemed to be looking up. However, he wised up and went to college to get an education, as insurance in the likely event that the leauge folds and the players are forced to work at real jobs. He was also hoping to play for a winning college team and get paid nothing, instead of making millions schlepping away in the Savvis center for a losing club. And who says today's youth isn't intelligent? Additionally, new team ownership has decided to fill the roster with mildly expensive, mildly old talent that would have been an awesome team if it was 1998. Needless to say, things are not looking up at the Blues' front office.
The latest indignity suffered by the Bluenote has been the devaluation of their tickets. It used to be that a Blues ticket was the hottest thing in town, at the old Arena, excluding Steamers tickets, or Icecapades tickets. But now, people who bought tickets are having trouble reselling them. Local ticket scalper broker Roscoe Johnson, who would only speak on the condition of anonymity because of the illegality of his actions, noted that, "I just can't move these damn Blues tickets. I have a whole wheelbarrow full of them at home, and no one seems to want to buy them. Some local kids have been buying them at less than face value because apparently when rolled up they make good cigarette paper, but beyond that, I have no takers." Johnson is somewhat of a pioneer in curbside ticket resale, having come up with the idea of printing laminated signs that read 'I need tickets' and having the seating chart of the venue for which he needs tickets printed on the reverse side of the sign. "Only the most reputable scalpers, I mean uh ticket resale specialists, use my signs. They are a trademark of local scam artists, uh I mean public servants."
Courtesy of my last interviewee, I took some of the unsold Blues tickets for the upcoming season with me down to the local homeless shelter. These particular tickets were for luxury boxes, where food and beverages are provided for free. Local homeless person Roscoe Johnson, upon being offered the tickets, stated that, "Although food and drink is provided and it is a luxury suite, I would still have to sit through the Blues game. I guess I could go early, have my fill, and then leave before they drop the puck. Otherwise, I am not really interested."
And so the Blues tickets have dropped to the financial level of Confederate money, Monopoly TM money and Pesos; pretty much worthless and certainly not worth their own face value. Team owner Dave Checketts, commenting on the status of his franchise, noted that "I bought this team cheap. But I did not realize how cheap. I guess I got in a litte bit over my head. My only hope is to put a winning product on the ice and win back some fans. But I think we all know that a winning product is a few years away, and by 'a few years' I mean a damn long time. Hey, would you like to buy a hockey franchise?"
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
[This is coming from a former hockey fan. The strike made me realize that I could easily live without hockey. Good work, morons.]
The latest indignity suffered by the Bluenote has been the devaluation of their tickets. It used to be that a Blues ticket was the hottest thing in town, at the old Arena, excluding Steamers tickets, or Icecapades tickets. But now, people who bought tickets are having trouble reselling them. Local ticket scalper broker Roscoe Johnson, who would only speak on the condition of anonymity because of the illegality of his actions, noted that, "I just can't move these damn Blues tickets. I have a whole wheelbarrow full of them at home, and no one seems to want to buy them. Some local kids have been buying them at less than face value because apparently when rolled up they make good cigarette paper, but beyond that, I have no takers." Johnson is somewhat of a pioneer in curbside ticket resale, having come up with the idea of printing laminated signs that read 'I need tickets' and having the seating chart of the venue for which he needs tickets printed on the reverse side of the sign. "Only the most reputable scalpers, I mean uh ticket resale specialists, use my signs. They are a trademark of local scam artists, uh I mean public servants."
Courtesy of my last interviewee, I took some of the unsold Blues tickets for the upcoming season with me down to the local homeless shelter. These particular tickets were for luxury boxes, where food and beverages are provided for free. Local homeless person Roscoe Johnson, upon being offered the tickets, stated that, "Although food and drink is provided and it is a luxury suite, I would still have to sit through the Blues game. I guess I could go early, have my fill, and then leave before they drop the puck. Otherwise, I am not really interested."
And so the Blues tickets have dropped to the financial level of Confederate money, Monopoly TM money and Pesos; pretty much worthless and certainly not worth their own face value. Team owner Dave Checketts, commenting on the status of his franchise, noted that "I bought this team cheap. But I did not realize how cheap. I guess I got in a litte bit over my head. My only hope is to put a winning product on the ice and win back some fans. But I think we all know that a winning product is a few years away, and by 'a few years' I mean a damn long time. Hey, would you like to buy a hockey franchise?"
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
[This is coming from a former hockey fan. The strike made me realize that I could easily live without hockey. Good work, morons.]
Friday, August 25, 2006
Special Edition: Rejected Sports Headlines [Part 1]
My very sensible wife has rejected storylines to go along with the following headlines, due to the stories being too offensive, really inappropriate or just plain not funny. Too bad. Regardless, one or two of these might appear in a later story as a subplot. This is only Part 1 of the Rejected Sports Headlines, because I am sure she will shoot down some more in the future. She truly is my better half. So, enjoy. Think about what could have been. In fact, feel free to leave a comment as to which one I should try to salvage and I might give it another shot.
Female rugby player .... [The rest was terrible. I was explicitly told by my wife not to do this one, ever, in any sense. But I played college rugby and this has some elements of truth.]
Lawrence Phillips opens driving school [Stupid joke - this guy isn't even worth it.]
Tony LaRussa arrested on charges of animal trafficking [Just dumb, and you need to know about ARF for this to be funny.]
Leonard Little fails background check [Self-explanitory and mean, and I don't feel like opening old wounds.]
Pornographic magazine found in Rams locker room [This is based on a story relayed to me from friends who worked in their locker room in 1995.]
Jim Edmonds opens super-posh disco [I like Jimmy Ballgame as much as anyone else, and this was only meant to annoy my mother-in-law, who really likes him.]
RB / WR uncomfortable with being called a 'tweener' [No need to offend the transgendered - they have enough problems.]
Rush Limbaugh turns down opportunity to call NHL games [Why even write this one - you know where it is going.]
So Taguchi booed by Chinese-born fan [Okay, so this one actually happened and I was there, but still it is a small, dumb joke.]
Michael Jackson not a very good little league coach [Too easy, too controversial - beating a dead horse.]
David Eckstein outhustled by Scrappy Doo [This really is just a dumb joke. Not even remotely funny.]
Sports agent killed for using phrase 'Show me the money!' [1. I just saw Jerry McGuire 2. I hate cliches and wish that people who use them would die. Yes, that's my final answer.]
Entrance song snafu leads fans to question [player's] sexuality [I actually wrote this one out and it sucked. Seriously unfunny.]
Someone looks at Mike Lincoln funny, he is placed on 60 day DL [This guy has been waaaay too injured, but not many people would get this.]
Issac Bruce not a real reverend [Here's another one I wrote that was just not funny. At all.]
Aaron Miles picks a barfight, placed on the 60 day DL [This one won't work, according to the latest ESPN the Magazine, since Miles is apparently a little badass.]
[These rejected stories would have been and these headlines are satires of public figures.]
[Obviously this stuff ever happened, except the Chinese booing one.]
Female rugby player .... [The rest was terrible. I was explicitly told by my wife not to do this one, ever, in any sense. But I played college rugby and this has some elements of truth.]
Lawrence Phillips opens driving school [Stupid joke - this guy isn't even worth it.]
Tony LaRussa arrested on charges of animal trafficking [Just dumb, and you need to know about ARF for this to be funny.]
Leonard Little fails background check [Self-explanitory and mean, and I don't feel like opening old wounds.]
Pornographic magazine found in Rams locker room [This is based on a story relayed to me from friends who worked in their locker room in 1995.]
Jim Edmonds opens super-posh disco [I like Jimmy Ballgame as much as anyone else, and this was only meant to annoy my mother-in-law, who really likes him.]
RB / WR uncomfortable with being called a 'tweener' [No need to offend the transgendered - they have enough problems.]
Rush Limbaugh turns down opportunity to call NHL games [Why even write this one - you know where it is going.]
So Taguchi booed by Chinese-born fan [Okay, so this one actually happened and I was there, but still it is a small, dumb joke.]
Michael Jackson not a very good little league coach [Too easy, too controversial - beating a dead horse.]
David Eckstein outhustled by Scrappy Doo [This really is just a dumb joke. Not even remotely funny.]
Sports agent killed for using phrase 'Show me the money!' [1. I just saw Jerry McGuire 2. I hate cliches and wish that people who use them would die. Yes, that's my final answer.]
Entrance song snafu leads fans to question [player's] sexuality [I actually wrote this one out and it sucked. Seriously unfunny.]
Someone looks at Mike Lincoln funny, he is placed on 60 day DL [This guy has been waaaay too injured, but not many people would get this.]
Issac Bruce not a real reverend [Here's another one I wrote that was just not funny. At all.]
Aaron Miles picks a barfight, placed on the 60 day DL [This one won't work, according to the latest ESPN the Magazine, since Miles is apparently a little badass.]
[These rejected stories would have been and these headlines are satires of public figures.]
[Obviously this stuff ever happened, except the Chinese booing one.]
Bullpen phone wiretapped by NSA
In a startling turn of events in the war on terror, the US federal government was required by a recent court ruling to discontinue the use of unauthorized telephone wiretaps and, in some limited cases, disclose the nature of the surveillance. Tony Snow, the White House press secretary, has announced that several Major League Baseball teams have been the target of covert investigations, including the St. Louis Cardinals, who had their bullpen phone wiretapped. Team management and the fans were outraged at the news and demanded an immediate explanation.
Several days after the initial disclosure, Snow was asked at a press conference about the Bush administration' interest in the Cardinals. Snow replied, "We were investigating solid leads in several clubhouses, including the Cardinals'. We were looking into the affairs of a man named Jason Isringhausen." Jason 'Izzy' Isringhausen, born in America and from nearby Brighton, Illinois, was shocked and awed at the news. When asked why Izzy was targeted, Snow stated, "That guy's last name is way too long, and accordingly we suspected that he was up to no good here in America. That's a pretty solid lead, a long last name. And, no, I don't care where he was born. Long last names are foreign, and foreign is scary. Shorter last names are good, like Bush, Rice, Snow, Alito and Gore. Wait .. not Gore."
Reached for comment, Cardinals General Manager Walt Jocketty recalled, "This is not the first time that we have had some controversy regarding the bullpen phone. Back in 2003, we had quite a few 1-900 numbers getting called during games late in the season. I think that pretty much explained why our relief pitching tanked at the end of that year's campaign. So we restricted the line to only accept calls from the dugout. Duh, why hadn't we thought of that before? All I can say about the '03 bullpen is that someone really liked to talk to women with 'huge asses' and the bill was accordingly huge. Do you get it? Huge and huge? Dude, I rock."
Tony Snow later elaborated on the government's investigation, noting that, "We had also been really looking into the Royals' clubhouse. You've got guys there named Grudzeilanek and Meintkeiwicz in the same clubhouse. I mean, what could those two be talking about, huh? Seriously, think about it. That's a major red flag."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Several days after the initial disclosure, Snow was asked at a press conference about the Bush administration' interest in the Cardinals. Snow replied, "We were investigating solid leads in several clubhouses, including the Cardinals'. We were looking into the affairs of a man named Jason Isringhausen." Jason 'Izzy' Isringhausen, born in America and from nearby Brighton, Illinois, was shocked and awed at the news. When asked why Izzy was targeted, Snow stated, "That guy's last name is way too long, and accordingly we suspected that he was up to no good here in America. That's a pretty solid lead, a long last name. And, no, I don't care where he was born. Long last names are foreign, and foreign is scary. Shorter last names are good, like Bush, Rice, Snow, Alito and Gore. Wait .. not Gore."
Reached for comment, Cardinals General Manager Walt Jocketty recalled, "This is not the first time that we have had some controversy regarding the bullpen phone. Back in 2003, we had quite a few 1-900 numbers getting called during games late in the season. I think that pretty much explained why our relief pitching tanked at the end of that year's campaign. So we restricted the line to only accept calls from the dugout. Duh, why hadn't we thought of that before? All I can say about the '03 bullpen is that someone really liked to talk to women with 'huge asses' and the bill was accordingly huge. Do you get it? Huge and huge? Dude, I rock."
Tony Snow later elaborated on the government's investigation, noting that, "We had also been really looking into the Royals' clubhouse. You've got guys there named Grudzeilanek and Meintkeiwicz in the same clubhouse. I mean, what could those two be talking about, huh? Seriously, think about it. That's a major red flag."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Isringhausen seeks counseling for his addiction
Jason Isringhausen has a problem. This is an issue he has been dealing with for quite some time, and it has finally come to light now that he is seeking help from counselors. Izzy is addicted to walking. Walking batters, that is.
It started out innocently enough several years ago. Izzy used to just get in the game and get the three batters out and that was that, save in the record books. But then his buddy Bill Pulsipher suggested that Izzy try throwing some outside pitches and seeing how it felt. [Incidentally, in a tragic example, Pulsipher's walking addiction has cost him any chance of making another major league roster.] Jason was reluctant to try it, since he had heard about the adverse effects of issuing walks during a game. Eventually he was coaxed into it and soon he was hooked. He began by just walking one batter per game, but soon one became two and two became three and so forth. Soon Izzy could hardly stand on the mound without trying to walk a few batters. He would ask the unmpire if he could throw a four ball pitch, which was one of the last straws.
In a recent disaster of a game, where Izzy walked five batters on twenty pitches, Manager Tony LaRussa approached the mound to take his reliever out of the game. When asked why he would continue to walk batters during the game, even once the bases were full, Izzy mumbled, "Hey, I pitch better with a few on. Lemme go, I can stop whenever I want to! Don't you dare judge me, LaRussa, like you don't have problems, too!" LaRussa responded, "Go home and sleep it off, kid. You've had way too many walks."
Cardinal losing streaks were particularly hard on Izzy. He would not get appearances in the game and thus could not walk batters. "Man, I'm jonesin' to walk someone", he was known to mumble in the bullpen. "Oh, come on, put me in the game! I need some work!"
After entering a treatment program in the offseason, things seemed to be turning out a little better for Izzy. While in the counseling sessions, Jason reconnected with former Redbird Matt Morris, who was also recovering from walking addiciton. Bud, sadly, Matt showed Jason about a high that you could get that was greater than walking players - giving up huge home runs. Matt had dabbled with it, even gotten really heavy into it. Isringhausen took it too far, however. He began to mix walks with homeruns. Now he is out of control. Walk after walk, followed by homerun. It is a sad tale, one that doesn't seem to have a happy ending, either for Isringhausen or for the Cardinals.
Please, pray for Izzy.
[Although there are some elements of truth, this story is a satire of public figures.]
It started out innocently enough several years ago. Izzy used to just get in the game and get the three batters out and that was that, save in the record books. But then his buddy Bill Pulsipher suggested that Izzy try throwing some outside pitches and seeing how it felt. [Incidentally, in a tragic example, Pulsipher's walking addiction has cost him any chance of making another major league roster.] Jason was reluctant to try it, since he had heard about the adverse effects of issuing walks during a game. Eventually he was coaxed into it and soon he was hooked. He began by just walking one batter per game, but soon one became two and two became three and so forth. Soon Izzy could hardly stand on the mound without trying to walk a few batters. He would ask the unmpire if he could throw a four ball pitch, which was one of the last straws.
In a recent disaster of a game, where Izzy walked five batters on twenty pitches, Manager Tony LaRussa approached the mound to take his reliever out of the game. When asked why he would continue to walk batters during the game, even once the bases were full, Izzy mumbled, "Hey, I pitch better with a few on. Lemme go, I can stop whenever I want to! Don't you dare judge me, LaRussa, like you don't have problems, too!" LaRussa responded, "Go home and sleep it off, kid. You've had way too many walks."
Cardinal losing streaks were particularly hard on Izzy. He would not get appearances in the game and thus could not walk batters. "Man, I'm jonesin' to walk someone", he was known to mumble in the bullpen. "Oh, come on, put me in the game! I need some work!"
After entering a treatment program in the offseason, things seemed to be turning out a little better for Izzy. While in the counseling sessions, Jason reconnected with former Redbird Matt Morris, who was also recovering from walking addiciton. Bud, sadly, Matt showed Jason about a high that you could get that was greater than walking players - giving up huge home runs. Matt had dabbled with it, even gotten really heavy into it. Isringhausen took it too far, however. He began to mix walks with homeruns. Now he is out of control. Walk after walk, followed by homerun. It is a sad tale, one that doesn't seem to have a happy ending, either for Isringhausen or for the Cardinals.
Please, pray for Izzy.
[Although there are some elements of truth, this story is a satire of public figures.]
Interview: Rich Gould, local sportscaster
I recently sat down with local sportscaster Rich Gould of KPLR channel 11 in St. Louis. Rich has been on channel 11 for as long as I can remember and became known for his down-to-earth broadcasting style and his quirky antics on the air. He can be seen interviewing fans during Cardinals telecasts and after game on The Fan Show. I am sure Rich has won a local Emmy or two, not that it's a big deal, since they give those things out like candy on a local level. Here is the text of that interview:
Stlsports: I'm here with Rich Gould, longtime St. Louis sports journalist for channel 11 and host of The Fan Show. How are you tonight, Rich?
Gould: Just fine, thanks. Let's get this interview going. I have places to be.
Stlsports: Tell me about your latest project, The Fan Show. How did it begin? What do you like or dislike about it?
Gould: Well, as far as what I dislike, how about the fact that it is shot at the Casino Queen, often after dark.
Stlsports: What's wrong with the Casino Queen?
Gould: Nothing is wrong with the Casino Queen, except for those idiotic talking slot machine commercials. It's getting to the Casino Queen that's the problem. It is in freaking East St. Louis. That's insane. Is there no other place in the metro area that we could shoot a sports show? You need like a full armored division to go in there at night. I swear, I think my producer is trying to get me killed.
Stlsports: Uh. Okay, Rich. Well tell me about the premise of the show.
Gould: We interview fans. That's pretty much it.
Stlsports: You seem to enjoy yourself.
Gould: I hate those damn fans. Too many fans. If there is one thing I hate about the fan show, besides where it's shot, it is the stupid-assed fans.
Stlsports: What is the matter with the fans? I thought we had the most knowledgable fans in the game of baseball.
Gould: Why? Because you can all keep score? Whooptie-doo. That's not exactly a skill that translates into the real world. Instead of studying statistics, they should be learning to read another language or how to play the stock market. But no, they brag about knowing the OPS for some bench player. Losers!
Stlsports: I see, Rich, well ...
Gould: And you know what else? They talk about stuff like they are Peter Gammons. Watching Sportscenter and regurgitating the same crap over and over on the call in lines does not mean that you are smart. It means that you have basic cable. Get a life, people.
Stlsports: Well, Rich, I am sorry that you feel ...
Gould: And let me answer your next question for you. What St. Louis sportscaster would I love to fight? Here it is:
Stlsports: Uh, that wasn't my...
Gould: Steve Savard, that prettyboy on channel 4. He was bragging that he could break walnuts with his buttcheeks at Blueberry Hill last night. BS! I could totally kick his ass.
Stlsports [to producer] : What the hell is he talking about?
Gould: Let me give you some insider news.
Stlsports: Sure, Rich, whatever.
Gould: I once beat Malcom Briggs in a White Castle eating contest. He bet me five dollars and I killed 'em. Thirty-two sliders in ten minutes! That's how you win Emmys, baby. Kiss the ring!
Stlsports: What ring?
Gould: Listen, I have stuff that needs to get done elsewhere. Are we about done wasting my time here?
Stlsports: Rich, I was hoping we could talk about Cardinals baseball for a little while.
Gould: What do you want to hear? Most of the team has been phoning it in since about May, and the idiot owners refuse to increase payroll. That and the new stadium is a giant neon ad with smaller seats and expensive consessions. But hey, at least the owner boxes are nicer, those greedy hosers. And can we please get someone who can hit and catch. Do we need to put it on a tee for you, Yadier? I can't believe that we got an offensive downgrade from Mike Matheney. Don't even get me started on Dave Duncan and his "reclamation projects". Listen, pitching coaches don't tackle expensive reclamation projects, that's what they do on 'This Old House'.
Stlsports: You know, Rich, I think we are about out of time. Uh, thanks for the interview.
Gould: Good. I have some tape of those half-assed Redbirds to review and try to pretend to be excited about. You know, next time you ask for an interview, have a fruit plate or something in the green room. I'm starving, and now I have to go by Hardee's on the way home. Thanks for nothing.
[This story is a satire of public figures and of course the interview never happened.]
[Rich Gould is actually about the nicest guy in the world, and BTW, I really am a big Rich Gould fan.]
[Thanks KPN a/k/a KarateChop]
Stlsports: I'm here with Rich Gould, longtime St. Louis sports journalist for channel 11 and host of The Fan Show. How are you tonight, Rich?
Gould: Just fine, thanks. Let's get this interview going. I have places to be.
Stlsports: Tell me about your latest project, The Fan Show. How did it begin? What do you like or dislike about it?
Gould: Well, as far as what I dislike, how about the fact that it is shot at the Casino Queen, often after dark.
Stlsports: What's wrong with the Casino Queen?
Gould: Nothing is wrong with the Casino Queen, except for those idiotic talking slot machine commercials. It's getting to the Casino Queen that's the problem. It is in freaking East St. Louis. That's insane. Is there no other place in the metro area that we could shoot a sports show? You need like a full armored division to go in there at night. I swear, I think my producer is trying to get me killed.
Stlsports: Uh. Okay, Rich. Well tell me about the premise of the show.
Gould: We interview fans. That's pretty much it.
Stlsports: You seem to enjoy yourself.
Gould: I hate those damn fans. Too many fans. If there is one thing I hate about the fan show, besides where it's shot, it is the stupid-assed fans.
Stlsports: What is the matter with the fans? I thought we had the most knowledgable fans in the game of baseball.
Gould: Why? Because you can all keep score? Whooptie-doo. That's not exactly a skill that translates into the real world. Instead of studying statistics, they should be learning to read another language or how to play the stock market. But no, they brag about knowing the OPS for some bench player. Losers!
Stlsports: I see, Rich, well ...
Gould: And you know what else? They talk about stuff like they are Peter Gammons. Watching Sportscenter and regurgitating the same crap over and over on the call in lines does not mean that you are smart. It means that you have basic cable. Get a life, people.
Stlsports: Well, Rich, I am sorry that you feel ...
Gould: And let me answer your next question for you. What St. Louis sportscaster would I love to fight? Here it is:
Stlsports: Uh, that wasn't my...
Gould: Steve Savard, that prettyboy on channel 4. He was bragging that he could break walnuts with his buttcheeks at Blueberry Hill last night. BS! I could totally kick his ass.
Stlsports [to producer] : What the hell is he talking about?
Gould: Let me give you some insider news.
Stlsports: Sure, Rich, whatever.
Gould: I once beat Malcom Briggs in a White Castle eating contest. He bet me five dollars and I killed 'em. Thirty-two sliders in ten minutes! That's how you win Emmys, baby. Kiss the ring!
Stlsports: What ring?
Gould: Listen, I have stuff that needs to get done elsewhere. Are we about done wasting my time here?
Stlsports: Rich, I was hoping we could talk about Cardinals baseball for a little while.
Gould: What do you want to hear? Most of the team has been phoning it in since about May, and the idiot owners refuse to increase payroll. That and the new stadium is a giant neon ad with smaller seats and expensive consessions. But hey, at least the owner boxes are nicer, those greedy hosers. And can we please get someone who can hit and catch. Do we need to put it on a tee for you, Yadier? I can't believe that we got an offensive downgrade from Mike Matheney. Don't even get me started on Dave Duncan and his "reclamation projects". Listen, pitching coaches don't tackle expensive reclamation projects, that's what they do on 'This Old House'.
Stlsports: You know, Rich, I think we are about out of time. Uh, thanks for the interview.
Gould: Good. I have some tape of those half-assed Redbirds to review and try to pretend to be excited about. You know, next time you ask for an interview, have a fruit plate or something in the green room. I'm starving, and now I have to go by Hardee's on the way home. Thanks for nothing.
[This story is a satire of public figures and of course the interview never happened.]
[Rich Gould is actually about the nicest guy in the world, and BTW, I really am a big Rich Gould fan.]
[Thanks KPN a/k/a KarateChop]
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Tkachuk: I pee sitting down
Keith Tkachuk, forward for the St. Louis Blues hockey team, was recently featured on the ESPN segment known as The Budweiser Hotseat, where a sports figure is asked tough questions about pretty much anything, and it is a rapid fire format of interview. Many people have been on the Hotseat, and sometimes the interviewer manages to elicit a controversial answer or asks a question that evokes emotion from the interviewee. Not since the infamous 'I like dudes' interview with Greg Louganis has an edition of the Hotseat gotten such a response as it did when Tkachuk appeared.
An excerpt of the interview follows:
Trey Wingo: So how many games do you think the Blues can realistically win this season after doing so badly last year?
Tkachuk: I think that the new ownership has put a great team of youth and veterans together and we plan to really compete.
Wingo: Who is the clubhouse prankster?
Tkachuk: That would definitely be Dougie Weight. That crazy guy.
Wingo: Tell me something about Keith Tkachuk that we don't already know.
Tkachuk: Hmm. Something you wouldn't know. Well, I pee sitting down.
Wingo: Okay, now how would it feel if ... wait. Did you say that you pee sitting down?
Tkachuk: Yeah. What's the matter with that?
Wingo: Nothing, nothing. Let's just finish the interview. Uh, where was I? You know, nevermind. Keith Tkachuk, you are now officially off 'The Budweiser Hotseat'.
Tkachuk: Thanks, Trey! We miss you here in St. Louis!
Wingo [off camera]: I hope he didn't pee on the Hotseat.
Backlash from the 'pee sitting down' comment has continued to haunt Tkachuk through his off season. Head Coach Mike Kitchen noted that, "We had been having some problems with some jokester player whizzing on the toilet seats, but I guess that Keith is not a suspect in that investigation." Other players have commented on the story, including Doug Weight, who noted that "lots of people pee sitting down... they're called women! Booyah!"
On an upside, some fans new to the game of hockey but veterans at the game of life [not the board game] have been coming to autograph signings asking the star forward to sign their adult diapers. "A lot of us pee sitting down as well, not that we can really control it, but we just tend to be sitting when it happens" noted local senior Roscoe Johnson, who continued, "We're all so happy that now we finally have a voice in the pro sports community."
[This story is a satire of public figures. Incontinence is not very funny.]
An excerpt of the interview follows:
Trey Wingo: So how many games do you think the Blues can realistically win this season after doing so badly last year?
Tkachuk: I think that the new ownership has put a great team of youth and veterans together and we plan to really compete.
Wingo: Who is the clubhouse prankster?
Tkachuk: That would definitely be Dougie Weight. That crazy guy.
Wingo: Tell me something about Keith Tkachuk that we don't already know.
Tkachuk: Hmm. Something you wouldn't know. Well, I pee sitting down.
Wingo: Okay, now how would it feel if ... wait. Did you say that you pee sitting down?
Tkachuk: Yeah. What's the matter with that?
Wingo: Nothing, nothing. Let's just finish the interview. Uh, where was I? You know, nevermind. Keith Tkachuk, you are now officially off 'The Budweiser Hotseat'.
Tkachuk: Thanks, Trey! We miss you here in St. Louis!
Wingo [off camera]: I hope he didn't pee on the Hotseat.
Backlash from the 'pee sitting down' comment has continued to haunt Tkachuk through his off season. Head Coach Mike Kitchen noted that, "We had been having some problems with some jokester player whizzing on the toilet seats, but I guess that Keith is not a suspect in that investigation." Other players have commented on the story, including Doug Weight, who noted that "lots of people pee sitting down... they're called women! Booyah!"
On an upside, some fans new to the game of hockey but veterans at the game of life [not the board game] have been coming to autograph signings asking the star forward to sign their adult diapers. "A lot of us pee sitting down as well, not that we can really control it, but we just tend to be sitting when it happens" noted local senior Roscoe Johnson, who continued, "We're all so happy that now we finally have a voice in the pro sports community."
[This story is a satire of public figures. Incontinence is not very funny.]
DVD sales of 'Fever Pitch' disappointing in St. Louis area
The 2004 World Series was an unpleasant time for the city of St. Louis, especially the part where the team was swept by the Boston Red Sox. [That sucked ass.] What really hurt even more was the fact that Hollywood decided to make a movie about the Red Sox, and that they would have the audacity to show it in St. Louis, let alone the KMOX listenership radius. Needless to say, the box office returns for Fever Pitch in the metro area were not very good. So the same Hollywood geniuses behind The Ringer, Osmosis Jones, and Stuck On You, which are all family films with good morals and lessons, brought a special edition DVD of Fever Pitch to the market, hoping to win over some local fans. Sales figures show that the super special edition has not done much to help sell the video in St. Louis and the surrounding area.
The special edition DVD was filled with a classic blooper reel, including several outtakes of Jeff Suppan baserunning errors and grooved fastballs, Larry Walker weeping to himself in the corner of the dugout, and strikeout after helpless strikeout by the Redbirds. Also included were interviews with various celebrities who were in the stands at the game rooting against the Cardinals just because Boston deserved to win a baseball championship in their minds. Steven King, Tom Hanks, Bill Simmons, Ben Affleck and other talking heads share their stories in a wonderful two disc set that is decorated like a Red Sox team baseball, full of player signatures. A mail-in certificate for a mini replica of the World Series trophy awarded to the Red Sox was also in the DVD materials. Another bonus feature is a detailed and riveting recap of the American League Championship Series where Boston improbably came back from a three games to none deficit against the suddenly impotent Yankees on their way to the World Series.
Despite all of this work put into the DVD, no one seems to be buying the special edition in St. Louis, except to deface or destroy it for amusement. When reached for comment about his thoughts on the movie, Manager Tony LaRussa opined that "Jimmy Fallon is about as funny as a car bomb. That dude is useless. Hey, Fallon, I have some news for you: You're not Adam Sandler. Please, Jimmy Fallon, crawl in a hole and die. And take Manny Ramirez with you. Why does he play while wearing pants that are five sizes too long? Man, I hate that guy!"
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
The special edition DVD was filled with a classic blooper reel, including several outtakes of Jeff Suppan baserunning errors and grooved fastballs, Larry Walker weeping to himself in the corner of the dugout, and strikeout after helpless strikeout by the Redbirds. Also included were interviews with various celebrities who were in the stands at the game rooting against the Cardinals just because Boston deserved to win a baseball championship in their minds. Steven King, Tom Hanks, Bill Simmons, Ben Affleck and other talking heads share their stories in a wonderful two disc set that is decorated like a Red Sox team baseball, full of player signatures. A mail-in certificate for a mini replica of the World Series trophy awarded to the Red Sox was also in the DVD materials. Another bonus feature is a detailed and riveting recap of the American League Championship Series where Boston improbably came back from a three games to none deficit against the suddenly impotent Yankees on their way to the World Series.
Despite all of this work put into the DVD, no one seems to be buying the special edition in St. Louis, except to deface or destroy it for amusement. When reached for comment about his thoughts on the movie, Manager Tony LaRussa opined that "Jimmy Fallon is about as funny as a car bomb. That dude is useless. Hey, Fallon, I have some news for you: You're not Adam Sandler. Please, Jimmy Fallon, crawl in a hole and die. And take Manny Ramirez with you. Why does he play while wearing pants that are five sizes too long? Man, I hate that guy!"
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Ankiel has both arms amputated, remains on 40-man roster
The St. Louis Cardinals have been thoroughly patient with big-league prospect Rick Ankiel. They have continued to put faith in him as he has progressed through his often times tumultuous career, inviting critics to question the team's seemingly excessive loyalty to this one player. General Manager Walt Jocketty and Manager Tony LaRussa are steadfast in their support the young ballplayer, even in light of his most recent setback - the amputation of both arms.
Ankiel went 11-7 as a pitcher in his first full season in the major leagues, and was considered the future of the major league pitching staff after posting 194 strikeouts in his rookie campaign. But a disasterous playoff outing against the Atlanta Braves, one in which he threw five wild pitches in one inning [not a typo], started a downward spiral that has threatened a once promising career. In what has been compared to the Howard Dean 'yeeeaaugh!' speech, this one performance made an impressive and exciting newcomer into an interesting historical footnote. As an example, while a Rick Ankiel signed rookie card is going for 35 cents on eBay, a Trivial Pursuit 20th Anniversary question card regarding that game against the Braves signed by Ankiel is going for five dollars. If only he had come back from that game like Rick 'Wild Thing' Vaughn came back from his, Ankiel would have been pitching today instead of toiling in the minors, that is, had both of his arms not been amputated.
After making several injury-plagued comeback efforts in various levels of the minor leagues, Ankiel traded in his pitching repertoire for an outfielder's glove in an attempt at remaking himself into a professional baseball prospect again. Things were looking up for Ankiel in the minors, where he had an impressive season in left field and at the plate in 2005. However, his future took a turn for the worse this season when Ankiel was involved in a terrible accident that required getting a dual amputation. Rick and current Cardinals outfielder Jim Edmonds were out getting their hair tips dyed at their local favorite salon when a terrible hair gel explosion left Ankiel's arms mangled and useless. The physicians managed to save his life, but not his arms. Luckily, the plucky ballplayer has not given up on his dreams of returning to the major leagues and the Cardinals are not about to let him go. Despite this terrible tragedy, Ankiel remains on the Cardinals' 40 man roster.
Reached for comment, General Manager Walt Jocketty stated, "We could have cut Rick with this latest hurdle, but we have stubbornly stuck with him all this time when everyone else told us to cut him, so why let him go now? You should see his competitiveness, his toughness. When he comes to the plate with the bat in his teeth and that look in his eyes, you just get excited to see someone with that kind of potential in our system. You would have to be crazy to let someone like that just leave your organization without fully exploring his potential. I mean, we totally owe it to Rick to keep him on board until either the club goes out of business or he dies of natural causes. I see big things for Rick, and pretty much nothing he could do would ever make us cut him. Hell, he could go stab a judge on live television dressed in an Abe Lincoln costume and he would still have a place on our forty man roster. Oh, and he would have a six to seven figure salary, too. That's loyalty, brother. That's loyalty."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Ankiel went 11-7 as a pitcher in his first full season in the major leagues, and was considered the future of the major league pitching staff after posting 194 strikeouts in his rookie campaign. But a disasterous playoff outing against the Atlanta Braves, one in which he threw five wild pitches in one inning [not a typo], started a downward spiral that has threatened a once promising career. In what has been compared to the Howard Dean 'yeeeaaugh!' speech, this one performance made an impressive and exciting newcomer into an interesting historical footnote. As an example, while a Rick Ankiel signed rookie card is going for 35 cents on eBay, a Trivial Pursuit 20th Anniversary question card regarding that game against the Braves signed by Ankiel is going for five dollars. If only he had come back from that game like Rick 'Wild Thing' Vaughn came back from his, Ankiel would have been pitching today instead of toiling in the minors, that is, had both of his arms not been amputated.
After making several injury-plagued comeback efforts in various levels of the minor leagues, Ankiel traded in his pitching repertoire for an outfielder's glove in an attempt at remaking himself into a professional baseball prospect again. Things were looking up for Ankiel in the minors, where he had an impressive season in left field and at the plate in 2005. However, his future took a turn for the worse this season when Ankiel was involved in a terrible accident that required getting a dual amputation. Rick and current Cardinals outfielder Jim Edmonds were out getting their hair tips dyed at their local favorite salon when a terrible hair gel explosion left Ankiel's arms mangled and useless. The physicians managed to save his life, but not his arms. Luckily, the plucky ballplayer has not given up on his dreams of returning to the major leagues and the Cardinals are not about to let him go. Despite this terrible tragedy, Ankiel remains on the Cardinals' 40 man roster.
Reached for comment, General Manager Walt Jocketty stated, "We could have cut Rick with this latest hurdle, but we have stubbornly stuck with him all this time when everyone else told us to cut him, so why let him go now? You should see his competitiveness, his toughness. When he comes to the plate with the bat in his teeth and that look in his eyes, you just get excited to see someone with that kind of potential in our system. You would have to be crazy to let someone like that just leave your organization without fully exploring his potential. I mean, we totally owe it to Rick to keep him on board until either the club goes out of business or he dies of natural causes. I see big things for Rick, and pretty much nothing he could do would ever make us cut him. Hell, he could go stab a judge on live television dressed in an Abe Lincoln costume and he would still have a place on our forty man roster. Oh, and he would have a six to seven figure salary, too. That's loyalty, brother. That's loyalty."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Investigation: Mayor Purzner not a member of Rams' 1999-2000 Super Bowl team
The city of Overland, Missouri, is situated in the northern part of central St. Louis county and has a rich history of honest, hardworking citizens. For many years it had been a quiet little town in the midst of a big city, barely noticed on the local news scene. That all changed when Ann Purzner won the mayoral election by the slimmest of margins and soon thereafter began a series of power moves, including attempts to replace the city attorney and police chief. Many residents who were at home sleeping during the election did not realize that you could vote for mayor and apparently assumed that by hiding under pillows, things would just work out okay. Unfortunately for them, they were mistaken. Now, in an effort to discredit the controversial mayor, her claims about her past, including her work experience and education have been called into question.
As a result of some serious investigation by crack reporters and hard-nosed insiders, one claim of particular interest has recently been proven false - that Mayor Ann Purzner anchored the St. Louis Rams defense during their improbable Super Bowl run during the 1999-2000 NFL season. For many years, Mayor Purzner claimed that she was starting middle linebacker for the St. Louis Rams, drafted 25 years after allegedly getting her Bachelor of Science in Nursing degree from Maryville University, where she showcased her talents on the powder puff football team "The Olivettes". While this claim might seem outrageous, she has stood by her story even in light of some rather damning evidence to the contrary.
As proof that she was a key part of the Rams' Super Bowl run, the Mayor showed a photograph of her stopping Kevin Dyson just a few feet from the goal line in the Super Bowl, a tackle that has become known as, well, "The Tackle". Mayor Purzner explained, "Some people have pointed out that this picture is just a PhotoShop printout of two pictures spliced together, stuck in a cheap frame, but that is just nonsense. Of course I made "The Tackle". It's right here in this photo! Sure, I played with a 'Jones' jersey on, but only because Jones is how you spell 'Purzner' in Taiwanese, where the jersey was made. This is all so logical, I just don't understand the commotion." Mayor Purzner continued, pulling out a copy of the Rams' 1999-2000 Team Yearbook, pointing to her name on the defensive roster, noting that "you wouldn't believe it, but I have been accused of writing my name in here in Sharpie. Clearly this is not a Sharpie." The reporter taking her statement happened to have a copy of the same Yearbook, but the mayor's name was missing, to which she replied, "That is a rare typo error edition and could be worth some money on eBay. Yeah, that's the ticket."
When asked about Mayor Purzner's involvement in the Rams' championship, insiders were only met with more questions. Dick Vermiel, head coach of that team, broke into inconsolable tears when asked about the Super Bowl, and no futher questioning could take place. Wealthy clueless owner Georgia Frontiere commented that she "loves the city of St. Louis, wherever that is. I would like to visit more often, but I am so busy here. Call me when we win again!" Finally, former head coach and the offensive coordinator at the time Mike Martz was asked about Purzner's involvement in the team, to which he responded, "Who knows? Defense? Whatever, man. Defenses are for shredding with a killer passing attack, not for name-learning. What has a defensive player ever done for me? Nuthin, that's what."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
[Incidentally, for Mayor Purzner's side of the story, see this nonsense.
[For an, oh let' s just say, alternative side of the story, see this or this.
As a result of some serious investigation by crack reporters and hard-nosed insiders, one claim of particular interest has recently been proven false - that Mayor Ann Purzner anchored the St. Louis Rams defense during their improbable Super Bowl run during the 1999-2000 NFL season. For many years, Mayor Purzner claimed that she was starting middle linebacker for the St. Louis Rams, drafted 25 years after allegedly getting her Bachelor of Science in Nursing degree from Maryville University, where she showcased her talents on the powder puff football team "The Olivettes". While this claim might seem outrageous, she has stood by her story even in light of some rather damning evidence to the contrary.
As proof that she was a key part of the Rams' Super Bowl run, the Mayor showed a photograph of her stopping Kevin Dyson just a few feet from the goal line in the Super Bowl, a tackle that has become known as, well, "The Tackle". Mayor Purzner explained, "Some people have pointed out that this picture is just a PhotoShop printout of two pictures spliced together, stuck in a cheap frame, but that is just nonsense. Of course I made "The Tackle". It's right here in this photo! Sure, I played with a 'Jones' jersey on, but only because Jones is how you spell 'Purzner' in Taiwanese, where the jersey was made. This is all so logical, I just don't understand the commotion." Mayor Purzner continued, pulling out a copy of the Rams' 1999-2000 Team Yearbook, pointing to her name on the defensive roster, noting that "you wouldn't believe it, but I have been accused of writing my name in here in Sharpie. Clearly this is not a Sharpie." The reporter taking her statement happened to have a copy of the same Yearbook, but the mayor's name was missing, to which she replied, "That is a rare typo error edition and could be worth some money on eBay. Yeah, that's the ticket."
When asked about Mayor Purzner's involvement in the Rams' championship, insiders were only met with more questions. Dick Vermiel, head coach of that team, broke into inconsolable tears when asked about the Super Bowl, and no futher questioning could take place. Wealthy clueless owner Georgia Frontiere commented that she "loves the city of St. Louis, wherever that is. I would like to visit more often, but I am so busy here. Call me when we win again!" Finally, former head coach and the offensive coordinator at the time Mike Martz was asked about Purzner's involvement in the team, to which he responded, "Who knows? Defense? Whatever, man. Defenses are for shredding with a killer passing attack, not for name-learning. What has a defensive player ever done for me? Nuthin, that's what."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
[Incidentally, for Mayor Purzner's side of the story, see this nonsense.
[For an, oh let' s just say, alternative side of the story, see this or this.
Monday, August 21, 2006
St. Louis lawyers support NBA expansion to metro area
The former owner of the St. Louis Blues hockey franchise, Bill Laurie, had long coveted an expansion club from the National Basketball Association. Additionally, many fans in the St. Louis metropolitan area are avid fans of the NBA, but the closest teams geographically are several hours away in either Memphis or Chicago. With the rising interest in the sport and the huge revenues that can be gained locally from such an expansion, it is a wonder that an NBA team has not yet found a home in St. Louis. Now the push to get an expansion or relocated franchise in St. Louis has gained additional support from a group of St. Louis area lawyers.
President of the Metro St. Louis Coalition of Attorneys for Basketball Expansion, Roscoe Johnson, commented that, "Professional sports teams add to the presitge of a city, and it would be great national exposure as well. Local businesses would obtain additional profits, and new jobs would be created. It would be a huge plus for everyone involved. Especially the attorneys." Johnson went on, noting that, "When a bunch of wealthy, irresponsible young men, such as pro athletes, are set loose on the streets of a city like St. Louis, all sorts of legal trouble can ensue. And that especially holds true for NBA teams and their players. That all means a whole bunch of extra billable hours and legal fees for us attorneys, and that is a win-win situation for everybody."
Mayor Francis Slay, reached for comment on the prospect of expanding the local sports scene to include an NBA franchise, replied that "a lot of naysayers undervalue the benefits of bringing something like an NBA team to town. Sure, we could spend the cash on our crumbling roads, the underpaid police or the highly questionable education system, but c'mon, we all really just want to see some hoops. I am without doubt that an NBA team would completely revitalize the city. No question in my mind. None. I'm serious this time. Plus it would help line the pockets of our local underpaid attorneys."
As to the specific benefits the legal system could see from an NBA team, Johnson elaborated, "Well for example, the many child support cases would need lawyers. The domestic disturbance cases would need lawyers. And don't forget about all of the lawyers that could handle the traffic and criminal stuff. You know how great that would be? Using an NFL example, my lawyer buddy in Cincinnati tells me that having the Bengals in town this past year has been a boon to the local legal economy. And my cousin who is an attorney in Portland has an entire file drawer of Trail Blazers work. Why can't St. Louis get a piece of that pie? We can with an NBA team! Or with another Moe Williams boat ride, this time on the Lake of the Ozarks."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
[Apologies to any offended lawyers. You shouldn't make fun of lawyers.]
President of the Metro St. Louis Coalition of Attorneys for Basketball Expansion, Roscoe Johnson, commented that, "Professional sports teams add to the presitge of a city, and it would be great national exposure as well. Local businesses would obtain additional profits, and new jobs would be created. It would be a huge plus for everyone involved. Especially the attorneys." Johnson went on, noting that, "When a bunch of wealthy, irresponsible young men, such as pro athletes, are set loose on the streets of a city like St. Louis, all sorts of legal trouble can ensue. And that especially holds true for NBA teams and their players. That all means a whole bunch of extra billable hours and legal fees for us attorneys, and that is a win-win situation for everybody."
Mayor Francis Slay, reached for comment on the prospect of expanding the local sports scene to include an NBA franchise, replied that "a lot of naysayers undervalue the benefits of bringing something like an NBA team to town. Sure, we could spend the cash on our crumbling roads, the underpaid police or the highly questionable education system, but c'mon, we all really just want to see some hoops. I am without doubt that an NBA team would completely revitalize the city. No question in my mind. None. I'm serious this time. Plus it would help line the pockets of our local underpaid attorneys."
As to the specific benefits the legal system could see from an NBA team, Johnson elaborated, "Well for example, the many child support cases would need lawyers. The domestic disturbance cases would need lawyers. And don't forget about all of the lawyers that could handle the traffic and criminal stuff. You know how great that would be? Using an NFL example, my lawyer buddy in Cincinnati tells me that having the Bengals in town this past year has been a boon to the local legal economy. And my cousin who is an attorney in Portland has an entire file drawer of Trail Blazers work. Why can't St. Louis get a piece of that pie? We can with an NBA team! Or with another Moe Williams boat ride, this time on the Lake of the Ozarks."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
[Apologies to any offended lawyers. You shouldn't make fun of lawyers.]
Pujols gives interview without saying "You know"
St. Louis Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols has had an amazing career to-date, accumulating statistics that arguably make him one of the greatest players ever to play the game, through his first six seasons. He has broken several records and has been consistently superior to the majority of the other players in the league. However, in a recent post-game interview Albert did something that he has never done before - responded to an interview question without using the phrase "You Know".
Albert is known for being open and friendly to the media, and accordingly has given many interviews to a wide range of reporters. Typically he is available both on the field and in the locker room for comments, and fans enjoy his insight into the game and the team. Following a particularly horrendous Cardinal loss to the Pittsburgh Pirates, Albert was asked to talk about his performance in the game, in which he struck out three times and went 0 for 5. In response, Pujols stated, "That game was terrible. I don't wanna talk about it." This response created an uproad amongst the many members of the media who are accustomed to a more gregarious Pujols.
By comparison, in an interview given the night before, having been asked the same question, Albert replied, "You know, it's great, these guys, you know it's like you know I just try to go out there and play with these guys, you know. I'm out there you know to take a swing and I love it you know put the bat on the ball you know and just help you know love it help the team out you know. I just wanna be a part you know of a winning club, you know? You know it's great these guys you know I love you know it's great. It's great, you know. It's great."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
[Thanks CTS]
Albert is known for being open and friendly to the media, and accordingly has given many interviews to a wide range of reporters. Typically he is available both on the field and in the locker room for comments, and fans enjoy his insight into the game and the team. Following a particularly horrendous Cardinal loss to the Pittsburgh Pirates, Albert was asked to talk about his performance in the game, in which he struck out three times and went 0 for 5. In response, Pujols stated, "That game was terrible. I don't wanna talk about it." This response created an uproad amongst the many members of the media who are accustomed to a more gregarious Pujols.
By comparison, in an interview given the night before, having been asked the same question, Albert replied, "You know, it's great, these guys, you know it's like you know I just try to go out there and play with these guys, you know. I'm out there you know to take a swing and I love it you know put the bat on the ball you know and just help you know love it help the team out you know. I just wanna be a part you know of a winning club, you know? You know it's great these guys you know I love you know it's great. It's great, you know. It's great."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
[Thanks CTS]
Friday, August 18, 2006
Cardinals considering Andrew Dice Clay for coaching position
The St. Louis Cardinals have entered into preliminary discussions with controversial stand-up comic Andrew 'Dice' Clay for an assistant coaching position. It is rumored that Clay is deemed a possible successor to current Manager Tony LaRussa, whose contract expires in the near future. The Dice has no formal baseball experience, but has spent a great deal of time heckling the Mets teams of the 1980's from the Shea Stadium bleachers.
Deemed a questionable move by other baseball insiders and league officials, team general manager Walt Jocketty was recently approached about the contact between the team and Dice. "We have seen the success that having a homophobic, racist and obscene manager can bring to an ballclub in need of a new direction, such as in the White Sox organization. We feel that Mr. Clay could become just as inflammatory of a manager as Ozzie Guillen, and with that we expect no less than three or four championship rings." Jocketty continued, "If Dice can learn a little baseball while watching from the bench, then he can get the rest on the fly as the manager, if we do actually decide to move in that direction. Really, managing is not that hard. It is all about the players, and who gets the players? The GM, that's who. We bust our asses putting a good product on the field and we should get all the credit, not those glory hog managers. But I digress..."
Compensation for Clay has been a sticking point in the early discussions. While the team would like to offer an incentive-laden package with a lower base salary, Dice would like to be paid in "cigarettes, beer and hookers." Jocketty has expressed some limited concern over the possibility of hiring Dice, noting that "We have been told by the girls of Team Fredbird that Dice made some, uh, let's just say rather forward comments towards them between interviews, and as a result they feel a little uncomfortable around him."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Deemed a questionable move by other baseball insiders and league officials, team general manager Walt Jocketty was recently approached about the contact between the team and Dice. "We have seen the success that having a homophobic, racist and obscene manager can bring to an ballclub in need of a new direction, such as in the White Sox organization. We feel that Mr. Clay could become just as inflammatory of a manager as Ozzie Guillen, and with that we expect no less than three or four championship rings." Jocketty continued, "If Dice can learn a little baseball while watching from the bench, then he can get the rest on the fly as the manager, if we do actually decide to move in that direction. Really, managing is not that hard. It is all about the players, and who gets the players? The GM, that's who. We bust our asses putting a good product on the field and we should get all the credit, not those glory hog managers. But I digress..."
Compensation for Clay has been a sticking point in the early discussions. While the team would like to offer an incentive-laden package with a lower base salary, Dice would like to be paid in "cigarettes, beer and hookers." Jocketty has expressed some limited concern over the possibility of hiring Dice, noting that "We have been told by the girls of Team Fredbird that Dice made some, uh, let's just say rather forward comments towards them between interviews, and as a result they feel a little uncomfortable around him."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Brad Thompson ruins Cardinals team celebration
The St. Louis Cardinals baseball players recently threw a party for batting coach Hal McRae in the banquet hall at Kemoll's downtown to celebrate recent career milestones and accomplishments. It was a surprise event, including an open bar and a top of the line buffet, to be finished off with a champagne toast and cigars for all attendees. Each player had some special contribution to the event, bringing something to the party or taking care of some element of planning. Brad Thompson, a cigar afficianado, was put in charge of bringing a few boxes of expensive cigars to the event for everyone to enjoy together, in celebration of their coach. But Thompson never showed up, effectively ruining the event.
A reporter caught up with Thompson outside of the ballpark before a recent game to inquire about the cigar snafu. "I went to the cigar shop and tried to buy a few boxes of these really nice Dominican cigars. So the guy who is working there keeps looking at me all weird, and then when I go to pay for them, he asks for my I.D. and I give it to him," remarked Thompson. "Then the cashier looked at the driver's license for a while and tells me, 'Kid, this is the best fake I.D. that I have ever seen' and he proceeded to cut it up! Then he told me to 'scram' before he called the cops." Thompson is in actuality 26 years old but is commonly mistaken for a gradeschooler by casual fans and people who see him on the street.
Continuing his sob story, Brad recalled that "I had to go to the local 7-11 and wait outside and ask people to go in and buy me some tobacco for a party for my friends. No one would do it, and the guy who worked there ran me off. The cops picked me up, and when I had no I.D., they called my parents." Thompson's parents, who hail from Las Vegas, had to fly to St. Louis to pick up Brad, who was dejected by this point. "I spent the night of the party in a juvy hall holding cell with a bunch of delinquent children. It was quite embarassing."
Manager Tony LaRussa, reached for comment, stated that, "I am disappointed with Brad. He should have called us and let us know what happened. I was so mad at him for ruining that party that I went home and kicked my dog." Thompson's troubles did not end with the party-night debacle. "Since they cut up my I.D. at the cigar store, I can't get into the stadium to pitch tonight," he lamented, which is why the interview took place outside of the stadium. "The guard told me to 'get lost' and that I could come back for autographs later on."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
A reporter caught up with Thompson outside of the ballpark before a recent game to inquire about the cigar snafu. "I went to the cigar shop and tried to buy a few boxes of these really nice Dominican cigars. So the guy who is working there keeps looking at me all weird, and then when I go to pay for them, he asks for my I.D. and I give it to him," remarked Thompson. "Then the cashier looked at the driver's license for a while and tells me, 'Kid, this is the best fake I.D. that I have ever seen' and he proceeded to cut it up! Then he told me to 'scram' before he called the cops." Thompson is in actuality 26 years old but is commonly mistaken for a gradeschooler by casual fans and people who see him on the street.
Continuing his sob story, Brad recalled that "I had to go to the local 7-11 and wait outside and ask people to go in and buy me some tobacco for a party for my friends. No one would do it, and the guy who worked there ran me off. The cops picked me up, and when I had no I.D., they called my parents." Thompson's parents, who hail from Las Vegas, had to fly to St. Louis to pick up Brad, who was dejected by this point. "I spent the night of the party in a juvy hall holding cell with a bunch of delinquent children. It was quite embarassing."
Manager Tony LaRussa, reached for comment, stated that, "I am disappointed with Brad. He should have called us and let us know what happened. I was so mad at him for ruining that party that I went home and kicked my dog." Thompson's troubles did not end with the party-night debacle. "Since they cut up my I.D. at the cigar store, I can't get into the stadium to pitch tonight," he lamented, which is why the interview took place outside of the stadium. "The guard told me to 'get lost' and that I could come back for autographs later on."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Report: MLS team may not revitalize city
A group of investors has been lobbying the Major League Soccer organization for an expansion team in the metro St. Louis area, and there is hope that such a move would revitalize the city. This has been met with some limited skepticism based on similar boastful promises made by other sports franchises.
When the St. Louis Rams were brought to town with much fanfare, a new state of the art domed stadium was created to house the franchise. At the time, it was thought that the team would revitalize the deliapidated area of the city where the stadium was built. Sadly, this has not occurred, and may God help you if you go north of the dome alone after dark. Similarly, the renovation of the Kiel center and opera house, n/k/a the Savvis center, was also supposed to reinvigorate the cultural heart of the city with new life. The opera house today stands vacant and the Blues are the sorriest franchise in the league, except of course for the Blackhawks. More recently, the new Busch Stadium was intended not only to line the pockets of team owners, but also to bring more people downtown and energize a city on the decline. At least half of the intended results have been accomplished, that being the increased wealth for team owners.
Mayor Francis Slay, one of the local elected officials leading the charge to bring an MLS franchise to the area, has been fielding critical questions from members of the media. When asked what sort of benefit he would expect for the city from the new soccer team, Slay responded, "I would anticipate that this would elevate St. Louis back into the marquee ranking of cities in America, and, after seeing the numbers from the MLS expansion group, we can expect St. Louis to grow by three to four million people in the next few years." In response to a question about why an MLS team would bring to the city what the other franchises could not, Slay noted that "the Rams, Blues and Cardinals don't have the global appeal that soccer can bring. Those are essentially fringe sports. Did you know that 6 billion people watched the last world cup of soccer? If only a fraction of them move to St. Louis for our MLS franchise, which is what the expansion group has assured me will happen, we can grow and improve the city all the more."
Still, some foolish doubters remain. Among them is always-skeptical columnist Roscoe Johnson of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. "Sports teams do not revitalize cities. This is a rediculous concept propounded by those who would profit from it. And by the way, who in their right mind would drive to Belleville-freakin-Illinois to watch a soccer game? Not me, unless it is that women's soccer league. And they play in bikinis or something like that. Then I would go."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
When the St. Louis Rams were brought to town with much fanfare, a new state of the art domed stadium was created to house the franchise. At the time, it was thought that the team would revitalize the deliapidated area of the city where the stadium was built. Sadly, this has not occurred, and may God help you if you go north of the dome alone after dark. Similarly, the renovation of the Kiel center and opera house, n/k/a the Savvis center, was also supposed to reinvigorate the cultural heart of the city with new life. The opera house today stands vacant and the Blues are the sorriest franchise in the league, except of course for the Blackhawks. More recently, the new Busch Stadium was intended not only to line the pockets of team owners, but also to bring more people downtown and energize a city on the decline. At least half of the intended results have been accomplished, that being the increased wealth for team owners.
Mayor Francis Slay, one of the local elected officials leading the charge to bring an MLS franchise to the area, has been fielding critical questions from members of the media. When asked what sort of benefit he would expect for the city from the new soccer team, Slay responded, "I would anticipate that this would elevate St. Louis back into the marquee ranking of cities in America, and, after seeing the numbers from the MLS expansion group, we can expect St. Louis to grow by three to four million people in the next few years." In response to a question about why an MLS team would bring to the city what the other franchises could not, Slay noted that "the Rams, Blues and Cardinals don't have the global appeal that soccer can bring. Those are essentially fringe sports. Did you know that 6 billion people watched the last world cup of soccer? If only a fraction of them move to St. Louis for our MLS franchise, which is what the expansion group has assured me will happen, we can grow and improve the city all the more."
Still, some foolish doubters remain. Among them is always-skeptical columnist Roscoe Johnson of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. "Sports teams do not revitalize cities. This is a rediculous concept propounded by those who would profit from it. And by the way, who in their right mind would drive to Belleville-freakin-Illinois to watch a soccer game? Not me, unless it is that women's soccer league. And they play in bikinis or something like that. Then I would go."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Scott Spiezio's nickname causing him problems
Utility player Scott Spiezio of the St. Louis Cardinals has been feeling pressure from his longtime girlfriend, as a result of the nickname that he received a short time after joining the Cardinals. Not long after an informal gathering of many players at a local social establishment, Scott has been referred to as 'Sleazy-o' by his teammates, much to the vexation of his girlfriend. While Scott insists that he did nothing wrong to get this name and that it happened organically, she skeptically demands an honest explaination.
Spiezio, who spent time with the Athletics, Angels and Mariners before coming to the Cardinals this offseason as a free agent, quickly bonded with his teammates though a series of social events, including a trip to what is simply known in St. Louis as "the East side." While it is unclear where exactly the team went on that trip, it was soon thereafter that the 'Sleazy-o' nickname appeared. "It is purely conincidence that people started calling me that," said Spiezio, defending himself. He continued, "I swear, nothing happened over there. At least not to me. You should've seen what those girls did to ... whoops, almost gave it away. We agreed to keep that crap a secret. Whew, that was close."
When reached for comment in the grandstands at a recent game, said "I know he was up to no good over there. That So Taguchi is a terrible influence on Scott and I warned him to stay away from So." Her skepticism about the nickname is not without basis, since Spiezio was referred to as 'Skeezy Ho' in the Athletics clubhouse, right after a rowdy and infamous team road trip to Detroit. "I am going to figure out what happened, one way or another," vowed his girlfriend. "I am so sick of that stupid nickname. People are laughing at us in public, since it has been in the papers. We were already getting made fun of in public because of that stupid red goatee soul-patch thing on his lower lip that he dyed red. I should totally dump his ass. Is Aaron Miles single?"
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
[Thanks MWS]
Spiezio, who spent time with the Athletics, Angels and Mariners before coming to the Cardinals this offseason as a free agent, quickly bonded with his teammates though a series of social events, including a trip to what is simply known in St. Louis as "the East side." While it is unclear where exactly the team went on that trip, it was soon thereafter that the 'Sleazy-o' nickname appeared. "It is purely conincidence that people started calling me that," said Spiezio, defending himself. He continued, "I swear, nothing happened over there. At least not to me. You should've seen what those girls did to ... whoops, almost gave it away. We agreed to keep that crap a secret. Whew, that was close."
When reached for comment in the grandstands at a recent game, said "I know he was up to no good over there. That So Taguchi is a terrible influence on Scott and I warned him to stay away from So." Her skepticism about the nickname is not without basis, since Spiezio was referred to as 'Skeezy Ho' in the Athletics clubhouse, right after a rowdy and infamous team road trip to Detroit. "I am going to figure out what happened, one way or another," vowed his girlfriend. "I am so sick of that stupid nickname. People are laughing at us in public, since it has been in the papers. We were already getting made fun of in public because of that stupid red goatee soul-patch thing on his lower lip that he dyed red. I should totally dump his ass. Is Aaron Miles single?"
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
[Thanks MWS]
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Screening of 'Rudy' fails to inspire Rams players
New head coach Scott Linehan plans to put his mark on the Rams early this season, and he would like to implement his own special brand of motivational techniques. Former head coach Mike Martz was known for yelling at and talking down to his players, while former head coach Dick Vermiel would weep in his players' presence. While both of these methods had their own successes, coach Linehan has chosen to move in another direction. Like many other coaches in other leagues and at other levels, Linehan has selected various sports movies with inspirational themes and back stories to get his players excited about the game of football.
However, after a recent showing of the college football classic Rudy, several players left the room with mixed emotions. Rudy is the story of an undersized football player who has the life long dream of playing for Notre Dame. As the movie concludes, the protagonist, Rudy, is given a walk-on spot as a defensive reserve after the team players lobby the coach. The game in hand, Rudy is put in on defense for the last few plays of the game. He records a sack, earning the love and admiration of the fans and fulfililng his fantasy. Grown men typically weep during this film, and are not ashamed to admit it.
The Rams players who watched Rudy did not seem to find the film very motivational or inspiring. Rookie cornerback and first round draft pick Tye Hill commented to the media, "I just didn't understand that movie very much at all. Why did they keep breaking away from the football scenes to show Rudy walking around with books? It was very distracting. What the hell was he doing with books in a football movie anyway? Why would a college football player be carrying books around? Clearly the people that made this movie know nothing about college football."
Linehan defended his choice of movie motivation, noting that he "could have shown some other hip, jive-assed movie like The Waterboy", but found it to be too unrealistic. Coach elaborated. "Typically walk-on players come from the stands, like in the new movie Invincible, or from the grounds crew, like in Rudy, but not from the waterboy corps, like in The Waterboy, or from wherever the hell all of those other guys worked at in The Replacements."
Pro bowl defensive end Leonard Little added additional comments, noting that "in the movie, the defensive player tackled the quarterback and then got up and celebrated appropriately. I usually stay on top of the QB and let him have a little trash talk, Leonard Little style. Of course I have my own patented smack down that I like to use, but only the sucker QBs get to hear it. And by the way, since when did the fat hobbit play football? Man, I need to forget about this weird-assed movie. Coach is crazy, showin' this crap."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
However, after a recent showing of the college football classic Rudy, several players left the room with mixed emotions. Rudy is the story of an undersized football player who has the life long dream of playing for Notre Dame. As the movie concludes, the protagonist, Rudy, is given a walk-on spot as a defensive reserve after the team players lobby the coach. The game in hand, Rudy is put in on defense for the last few plays of the game. He records a sack, earning the love and admiration of the fans and fulfililng his fantasy. Grown men typically weep during this film, and are not ashamed to admit it.
The Rams players who watched Rudy did not seem to find the film very motivational or inspiring. Rookie cornerback and first round draft pick Tye Hill commented to the media, "I just didn't understand that movie very much at all. Why did they keep breaking away from the football scenes to show Rudy walking around with books? It was very distracting. What the hell was he doing with books in a football movie anyway? Why would a college football player be carrying books around? Clearly the people that made this movie know nothing about college football."
Linehan defended his choice of movie motivation, noting that he "could have shown some other hip, jive-assed movie like The Waterboy", but found it to be too unrealistic. Coach elaborated. "Typically walk-on players come from the stands, like in the new movie Invincible, or from the grounds crew, like in Rudy, but not from the waterboy corps, like in The Waterboy, or from wherever the hell all of those other guys worked at in The Replacements."
Pro bowl defensive end Leonard Little added additional comments, noting that "in the movie, the defensive player tackled the quarterback and then got up and celebrated appropriately. I usually stay on top of the QB and let him have a little trash talk, Leonard Little style. Of course I have my own patented smack down that I like to use, but only the sucker QBs get to hear it. And by the way, since when did the fat hobbit play football? Man, I need to forget about this weird-assed movie. Coach is crazy, showin' this crap."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Clayton Krispy Kreme closes as result of Ray King trade
The Clayton, Missouri location of Krispy Kreme donuts has been forced to close due to lost business after being open for only a few years. Industry insiders have pointed to a number of factors in trying to understand why such a popular chain had to close in a busy business district, but many people are for the most part baffled. Former Krispy Kreme store manager Roscoe Johnson has no question in his mind as to why he was forced to shutter his business, pointing his finger squarely at the Ray King trade.
Ray King, a left-handed relief specialist from the bullpen, was brought to St. Louis several years ago in a deal that sent J.D. Drew and Eli Marerro to Atlanta, and St. Louis received in return King, Adam Wainright and Jason Marquis. King was highly regarded amongst the St. Louis Cardinals fan base for his first few seasons until his productivity and attitude simultaneously diminished. A public feud with manager Tony LaRussa was the last straw, leading to the team trading King to Colorado for complete waste of lineup space Aaron Miles.
Now that he is wallowing in pitchers' hell in Coors Field, King is missing his old team and city, as well as his Krispy Kremes. "They don't have the Krispy Kremes here in Colorado," lamented King. "They have some crappy local chain. I can't get my devils food, or my sour cream, or my favorite, the blueberry. Instead I have junk. Man, I could kill for a piping hot glazed right about now."
Roscoe Johnson estimated that the recent health food fad would have closed the store had Ray King not been traded to St. Louis. "We were in trouble, no doubt, until Ray King came to town. People never really came by all that often. Then one day this guy comes in and says that he moved into a luxury apartment here in Clayton and that he was a ballplayer looking for a good donut. So I let him have a sample and he came back. Every day. He ate almost every meal here, and singlehandedly kept us open. Once he left, we tried to compete, but our coffee is only so good. So we had to shut her down."
Other local businesses have also been feeling the pinch because of local sports teams trades. Sidney Ponson leaving St. Louis hit the local economy particularly hard, closing both a White Castle and a liquor store near his former downtown apartment.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Ray King, a left-handed relief specialist from the bullpen, was brought to St. Louis several years ago in a deal that sent J.D. Drew and Eli Marerro to Atlanta, and St. Louis received in return King, Adam Wainright and Jason Marquis. King was highly regarded amongst the St. Louis Cardinals fan base for his first few seasons until his productivity and attitude simultaneously diminished. A public feud with manager Tony LaRussa was the last straw, leading to the team trading King to Colorado for complete waste of lineup space Aaron Miles.
Now that he is wallowing in pitchers' hell in Coors Field, King is missing his old team and city, as well as his Krispy Kremes. "They don't have the Krispy Kremes here in Colorado," lamented King. "They have some crappy local chain. I can't get my devils food, or my sour cream, or my favorite, the blueberry. Instead I have junk. Man, I could kill for a piping hot glazed right about now."
Roscoe Johnson estimated that the recent health food fad would have closed the store had Ray King not been traded to St. Louis. "We were in trouble, no doubt, until Ray King came to town. People never really came by all that often. Then one day this guy comes in and says that he moved into a luxury apartment here in Clayton and that he was a ballplayer looking for a good donut. So I let him have a sample and he came back. Every day. He ate almost every meal here, and singlehandedly kept us open. Once he left, we tried to compete, but our coffee is only so good. So we had to shut her down."
Other local businesses have also been feeling the pinch because of local sports teams trades. Sidney Ponson leaving St. Louis hit the local economy particularly hard, closing both a White Castle and a liquor store near his former downtown apartment.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Juan Encarnacion named defensive MVP of corkball league
Juan Encarnacion recently received a prestigious honor from his althetic peers, having won the Defensive MVP award, as elected by other players in the league, in the Metro St. Louis Corkball 25 & Up league. Juan has spent the past season patrolling right field and batting clean up for the Kirkwood Killers, and is having a monster season at the plate. But it has been his perfect fielding percentage that has garnered this honor during his rookie season.
Corkball is a game similar to baseball, but instead of a horsehide ball with a cork center, the ball is typically a used tennis ball, and instead of a regular baseball bat, players come to the plate with a broomstick. Defensive rules also vary from baseball, including the one major difference that a fly ball that bounces once before being caught is still an out.
Encarnacion, who has played in this league during Cardinal off days and on home stand weekends, credits his defensive success in corkball with his laid-back defensive malaise in baseball. "Typically in the MLB games, I don't get to the ball until it bounces at least once. I mean, those things are coming down pretty hard, and I get tired from standing around out there so long. At least this season, I haven't had to work so hard since more balls are landing in the stands instead of in the outfield. That has made my job a lot easier on me," explained Juan.
When asked about how he joined the corkball league, Juan replied, "Some of the corkball league organizers were in the outfield bleachers one day and they told me that they liked my relaxed style of defensive play. They suggested that I join their league. I am telling you, corkball is awesome. You know you can drink beer while playing outfield? Totally awesome. Bud Selig would never allow that in baseball, although he should think about it."
Tony LaRussa, in a post-game interview, fielded a question about Juan's two-sport skills by stating, "Well we pay him millions of dollars in this league to be a defensive sponge, but he pays $35 to join a corkball league where he is a defensive star? If we hadn't traded away all of our minor league outfield prospects, that guy would be riding the pine in Pittsburgh, but here he starts every game."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Corkball is a game similar to baseball, but instead of a horsehide ball with a cork center, the ball is typically a used tennis ball, and instead of a regular baseball bat, players come to the plate with a broomstick. Defensive rules also vary from baseball, including the one major difference that a fly ball that bounces once before being caught is still an out.
Encarnacion, who has played in this league during Cardinal off days and on home stand weekends, credits his defensive success in corkball with his laid-back defensive malaise in baseball. "Typically in the MLB games, I don't get to the ball until it bounces at least once. I mean, those things are coming down pretty hard, and I get tired from standing around out there so long. At least this season, I haven't had to work so hard since more balls are landing in the stands instead of in the outfield. That has made my job a lot easier on me," explained Juan.
When asked about how he joined the corkball league, Juan replied, "Some of the corkball league organizers were in the outfield bleachers one day and they told me that they liked my relaxed style of defensive play. They suggested that I join their league. I am telling you, corkball is awesome. You know you can drink beer while playing outfield? Totally awesome. Bud Selig would never allow that in baseball, although he should think about it."
Tony LaRussa, in a post-game interview, fielded a question about Juan's two-sport skills by stating, "Well we pay him millions of dollars in this league to be a defensive sponge, but he pays $35 to join a corkball league where he is a defensive star? If we hadn't traded away all of our minor league outfield prospects, that guy would be riding the pine in Pittsburgh, but here he starts every game."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
The Sporting News ranks St. Louis worst sports city again
The Sporting News recently came out with its ranking of the top sports teams in the country, and for the fifth consecutive year, the City of St. Louis has been ranked dead last. Since being named the top sports city in the USA in 2000, St. Louis has been at the bottom of the rankings.
The 2000 season was an excellent one for the sports teams in St. Louis. The Rams won the Super Bowl in dramatic fashion, capping a miracle season where the offense dominated the entire league with their exposive attack, led by backup-turned-superstar Kurt Warner and Hall of Fame lock Marshall Faulk. The Blues skated to the President's Cup, awarded to the team with the best regular season record in the league, before eventually tanking it in the first round of the playoff, as per their usual method of operation. The Cardinals continued their dominant performance against the rest of the National League, winning another Central Division title and moving on to the playoffs. It was truly a magical year for the city and her teams.
The naming of St. Louis as the top sports team in the country was met with outrage, disgust and jealousy by the rest of the cities in the USA. Many people, pointing out the fact that The Sporting News is based in suburban St. Louis, accused the publication of home-biased favoratism and did not feel that the award was well deserved. The top sports city award typically went to New York, Boston, Chicago or Denver, but not to a "cow-town truck stop like St. Louis", in the words of inflammatory ESPN contributor Skip Bayless.
In response to the national backlash, The Sporting News decided to prove that it was not loyal at all to St. Louis by ranking it dead last, regardless of accomplishments or team performance. Since finishing first in 2000, St. Louis has hosted a Final Four, gone to another Super Bowl and won a National League Pennant, yet none of this impressed the editors at The Sporting News.
Many readers thought that this treatment was not enough and have been questioning The Sporting News' alliance to St. Louis recently. In order to further show their lack of bias, the magazine has expanded the ranking to include the 400 largest cities in the US and still ranked St. Louis last. "I think this should make people happy," stated City Ranking Editor Roscoe Johnson. "Now instead of just looking up at a couple dozen cities, St. Louis has to get in line behind 399 other metropolitan areas."
Reached for comment, St. Louis Mayor Francis Slay said, "Well I thought we had been improving lately in getting our sports image enhanced. But I guess not. I need to get with local civic leaders and talk about what we need to do to overtake Helena, Montana at 399. Then we can take it from there."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
The 2000 season was an excellent one for the sports teams in St. Louis. The Rams won the Super Bowl in dramatic fashion, capping a miracle season where the offense dominated the entire league with their exposive attack, led by backup-turned-superstar Kurt Warner and Hall of Fame lock Marshall Faulk. The Blues skated to the President's Cup, awarded to the team with the best regular season record in the league, before eventually tanking it in the first round of the playoff, as per their usual method of operation. The Cardinals continued their dominant performance against the rest of the National League, winning another Central Division title and moving on to the playoffs. It was truly a magical year for the city and her teams.
The naming of St. Louis as the top sports team in the country was met with outrage, disgust and jealousy by the rest of the cities in the USA. Many people, pointing out the fact that The Sporting News is based in suburban St. Louis, accused the publication of home-biased favoratism and did not feel that the award was well deserved. The top sports city award typically went to New York, Boston, Chicago or Denver, but not to a "cow-town truck stop like St. Louis", in the words of inflammatory ESPN contributor Skip Bayless.
In response to the national backlash, The Sporting News decided to prove that it was not loyal at all to St. Louis by ranking it dead last, regardless of accomplishments or team performance. Since finishing first in 2000, St. Louis has hosted a Final Four, gone to another Super Bowl and won a National League Pennant, yet none of this impressed the editors at The Sporting News.
Many readers thought that this treatment was not enough and have been questioning The Sporting News' alliance to St. Louis recently. In order to further show their lack of bias, the magazine has expanded the ranking to include the 400 largest cities in the US and still ranked St. Louis last. "I think this should make people happy," stated City Ranking Editor Roscoe Johnson. "Now instead of just looking up at a couple dozen cities, St. Louis has to get in line behind 399 other metropolitan areas."
Reached for comment, St. Louis Mayor Francis Slay said, "Well I thought we had been improving lately in getting our sports image enhanced. But I guess not. I need to get with local civic leaders and talk about what we need to do to overtake Helena, Montana at 399. Then we can take it from there."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Monday, August 14, 2006
Orlando Pace books party room for 2007 Super Bowl
Orlando Pace, Pro Bowl offensive tackle and anchor of the St. Louis Rams' offensive line, has reserved a large party room at the St. Louis Sports Zone for a Super Bowl party he plans to host for the 2007 championship game. It is Pace's turn to host the party this season, and he made sure to get the space booked sooner than later to ensure that he would be able to have the event without complications.
Pace, in making his reservations, stated that he wanted to make sure that there was plenty of food and beverages, since he would be bringing in members of his team, mostly linemen. Party Reservations Specialist Roscoe Johnson relayed the story of Pace's reservation phone call, recalling that "Orlando was very particular about what he wanted for this event. First class all the way. We have done events for Orlando in the past, and he is a great customer who we have built an excellent relationship with."
When getting the details for the party, Johnson did ask Pace why he would be making reservations for a party on the night of the Super Bowl, to which Pace responded, "To watch the Super Bowl of course." Johnson wondered out loud to Pace what would happen if the Rams were in the Super Bowl, to which he received raucous laughter in return over the phone. After twenty to thirty seconds of belly-busting laughter from Pace, Johnson could hear Pace saying to others present in the room on the other end of the line, "He asked if we were going to be in the Super Bowl!" In response, what sounded like a room full of approximately fifty men broke into hysterics. In the commotion, Pace said to Johnson, "Man, you're all right. Thanks for the laughs! Just make sure the party is set up the way I asked." Sources later revealed that the phone call to the Sports Zone was made from the Rams' Earth City training camp locker room.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Pace, in making his reservations, stated that he wanted to make sure that there was plenty of food and beverages, since he would be bringing in members of his team, mostly linemen. Party Reservations Specialist Roscoe Johnson relayed the story of Pace's reservation phone call, recalling that "Orlando was very particular about what he wanted for this event. First class all the way. We have done events for Orlando in the past, and he is a great customer who we have built an excellent relationship with."
When getting the details for the party, Johnson did ask Pace why he would be making reservations for a party on the night of the Super Bowl, to which Pace responded, "To watch the Super Bowl of course." Johnson wondered out loud to Pace what would happen if the Rams were in the Super Bowl, to which he received raucous laughter in return over the phone. After twenty to thirty seconds of belly-busting laughter from Pace, Johnson could hear Pace saying to others present in the room on the other end of the line, "He asked if we were going to be in the Super Bowl!" In response, what sounded like a room full of approximately fifty men broke into hysterics. In the commotion, Pace said to Johnson, "Man, you're all right. Thanks for the laughs! Just make sure the party is set up the way I asked." Sources later revealed that the phone call to the Sports Zone was made from the Rams' Earth City training camp locker room.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Jim Edmonds fails to draft himself for fantasy team
Jim Edmonds has spent many years patrolling center field for the St. Louis Cardinals, and he has been a staple in both the clubhouse and on the defensive highlight reel. As the most senior member of the current team, he has earned the respect of the fans and his teammates. More recently, however, Edmonds has suffered from an offensive slump that has its roots in last season. Many people have been seeking answers into his lower power numbers and it is even alleged that he has lost a step or two in the outfield. This is a star player in the twilight years of a fine career, but he has suffered another indignity to compound on his recent troubles.
Edmonds is in a fantasy baseball league with other major league baseball players, and the group got together at an Anaheim sports bar party room back in February to draft their teams for the 2006 season. Jim's team, the StL Metros, selected Vladamir Guerrero with the 10th pick of the first round. Pleased with his selection strategy, Jim went on to select other stars such as Derek Jeter, Greg Maddux and Scott Rolen, giving him an impressive core of starters and reserves. As the final rounds began to wind down, several notable names were still on the list. Among those names was Edmonds.
MIke Hampton, a pitcher who has spent several of the last few seasons on the disabled list, picked himself at the start of the 18th and final round of the draft. He stated, "Look, I know I won't pitch this season, and it is a wasted pick, but I can't let myself go undrafted. That would be pretty crappy." Every other MLB player participating in this particular fantasy league had been picked by the controversial Hampton pick, including Jose Lima, who drafted himself in the second round. Everyone had been picked, that is, except Edmonds.
When Jim's 18th round pick rolled around, he thought about it for a while and eventually selected John Buck, who you might not know is the catcher for the Kansas City Royals. Even Mike Sweeney of the Kansas City Royals, a member of this fantasy league, did not know that when Buck was drafted. The draft party was alive with controversy after Edmonds' final pick of the draft.
Asked about the draft later, Edmonds commented, "Can you believe Lima picking himself in the second round? I told you that guy was a lunatic. 'Lima time! Lima time!', he shouted in the draft. What the hell was that all about?" Edmonds was specifically asked about not picking himself out of personal pride. He responded, "Listen, buddy, I knew then that I was going to continue my subpar performance this season. Would my on the field play hurt my chances at getting my option picked up? No, since they pretty much owe it to my for the years of sacrificing my body for this club. I'm not going to bust my butt and hurt myself even more just to earn an option year. I want a long term contract," stated the 37 year old Edmonds. "So the bottom line is that I needed a backup catcher in the league in case Joe Mauer goes down, more than I needed to show some self-respect. I think that you would agree that I made the right call there."
Both Jim Edmonds and Jose Lima had their fantasy teams mathematically eliminated from playoff contention this week.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Edmonds is in a fantasy baseball league with other major league baseball players, and the group got together at an Anaheim sports bar party room back in February to draft their teams for the 2006 season. Jim's team, the StL Metros, selected Vladamir Guerrero with the 10th pick of the first round. Pleased with his selection strategy, Jim went on to select other stars such as Derek Jeter, Greg Maddux and Scott Rolen, giving him an impressive core of starters and reserves. As the final rounds began to wind down, several notable names were still on the list. Among those names was Edmonds.
MIke Hampton, a pitcher who has spent several of the last few seasons on the disabled list, picked himself at the start of the 18th and final round of the draft. He stated, "Look, I know I won't pitch this season, and it is a wasted pick, but I can't let myself go undrafted. That would be pretty crappy." Every other MLB player participating in this particular fantasy league had been picked by the controversial Hampton pick, including Jose Lima, who drafted himself in the second round. Everyone had been picked, that is, except Edmonds.
When Jim's 18th round pick rolled around, he thought about it for a while and eventually selected John Buck, who you might not know is the catcher for the Kansas City Royals. Even Mike Sweeney of the Kansas City Royals, a member of this fantasy league, did not know that when Buck was drafted. The draft party was alive with controversy after Edmonds' final pick of the draft.
Asked about the draft later, Edmonds commented, "Can you believe Lima picking himself in the second round? I told you that guy was a lunatic. 'Lima time! Lima time!', he shouted in the draft. What the hell was that all about?" Edmonds was specifically asked about not picking himself out of personal pride. He responded, "Listen, buddy, I knew then that I was going to continue my subpar performance this season. Would my on the field play hurt my chances at getting my option picked up? No, since they pretty much owe it to my for the years of sacrificing my body for this club. I'm not going to bust my butt and hurt myself even more just to earn an option year. I want a long term contract," stated the 37 year old Edmonds. "So the bottom line is that I needed a backup catcher in the league in case Joe Mauer goes down, more than I needed to show some self-respect. I think that you would agree that I made the right call there."
Both Jim Edmonds and Jose Lima had their fantasy teams mathematically eliminated from playoff contention this week.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Friday, August 11, 2006
Jeff Gordon getting sick of Jeff Gordon
, Jeff Gordon, sports writer for the St. Louis Post-Dispatch and for the stltoday.com website, has just about had it with people confusing him with the other Jeff Gordon. There is another Jeff Gordon, this doppelganger being a race car driver in the NASCAR (pronounced NEH-cahr) circuit. The local Jeff Gordon has been getting confused with him for a few years now and has reached his breaking point.
Commenting on the situation, the local Jeff Gordon noted, "There was nothing wrong with that name, until a few years ago when that no-talent ass clown started winning races." Particularly annoying the St. Louis version of Gordon is the fact that the other Gordon doesn't even play an actual sport. "Race car driver? People mix me up with a race car driver just because highlights appear on ESPN? If driving for long periods of time is a sport, then why aren't big rig drivers in their own wing of the racing hall of fame? Could Dale Earnhardt get twenty tons of cat food from New York to Miami in twelve hours? Now that would be an accomplishment worth noting."
When approached about the issue between the two, the racing Gordon stated, "Look, I just want the other Jeff to like me the same way I like Pepsi products. Mmm mmm, Pepsi sure makes a great cola."
Jeff the sports writer continued, "If I hear another word about this NASCAR Gordon, I am going to freaking scream. I plan to devote an entire paragraph on my tipsheet article this weekend to explaining my ire, in the form of several witty barbs. That'll teach him." Gordon concluded the interview by plugging his upcoming assignment, "I have things to do, like covering the National Spelling Bee finals. I hear that little Bernard Miklasz, a home-schooled child from rural Idaho is the favorite to win it all this year."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Commenting on the situation, the local Jeff Gordon noted, "There was nothing wrong with that name, until a few years ago when that no-talent ass clown started winning races." Particularly annoying the St. Louis version of Gordon is the fact that the other Gordon doesn't even play an actual sport. "Race car driver? People mix me up with a race car driver just because highlights appear on ESPN? If driving for long periods of time is a sport, then why aren't big rig drivers in their own wing of the racing hall of fame? Could Dale Earnhardt get twenty tons of cat food from New York to Miami in twelve hours? Now that would be an accomplishment worth noting."
When approached about the issue between the two, the racing Gordon stated, "Look, I just want the other Jeff to like me the same way I like Pepsi products. Mmm mmm, Pepsi sure makes a great cola."
Jeff the sports writer continued, "If I hear another word about this NASCAR Gordon, I am going to freaking scream. I plan to devote an entire paragraph on my tipsheet article this weekend to explaining my ire, in the form of several witty barbs. That'll teach him." Gordon concluded the interview by plugging his upcoming assignment, "I have things to do, like covering the National Spelling Bee finals. I hear that little Bernard Miklasz, a home-schooled child from rural Idaho is the favorite to win it all this year."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Bulger requests red jersey for regular season games
Marc Bulger, quarterback for the St. Louis Rams, participated in a full squad scrimmage earlier this week as a part of the team's pre-season training camp. During the scrimmage, as well as during other drills and team practices, Bulger has been wearing a red jersey on top of his workout uniform. The red jersey alerted defensive players to the presence of the quarterback and prevented him from getting sacked.
After a team workout, just before the pre-season game against the Indianapolis Colts, Bulger stated, "That red jersey thing was great. Nobody was sacking me or even touching me. I went 18 for 19 in practice thanks to that jersey." Sadly Bulger won't be allowed to wear the red jersey in regular games against real opponents. "I called a guy in the NFL head office and asked if I could wear the red jersey against the Colts, but he told me that wasn't an option."
Reached for comment, outgoing NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue said, "We had to deny Marc's request, since part of the game is tackling the quarterback behind the line of scrimmage. And Marc isn't the first person I've talked to about this. David Carr used to call every other week or so and ask for the red jersey. I swear, he spent more time on his back than a two dollar ... uh, nevermind."
Marc isn't going to let the NFL office prevent him from using the red jersey, though. Right before the pre-season game, Marc was defiant, stating, "I plan to wear it under my pads and tuck it into my pants. That should do the trick. I wonder where they make these magical jerseys? Oh, well. Every immobile quarterback like me should have one of these. Tonight I am invincible!"
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
After a team workout, just before the pre-season game against the Indianapolis Colts, Bulger stated, "That red jersey thing was great. Nobody was sacking me or even touching me. I went 18 for 19 in practice thanks to that jersey." Sadly Bulger won't be allowed to wear the red jersey in regular games against real opponents. "I called a guy in the NFL head office and asked if I could wear the red jersey against the Colts, but he told me that wasn't an option."
Reached for comment, outgoing NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue said, "We had to deny Marc's request, since part of the game is tackling the quarterback behind the line of scrimmage. And Marc isn't the first person I've talked to about this. David Carr used to call every other week or so and ask for the red jersey. I swear, he spent more time on his back than a two dollar ... uh, nevermind."
Marc isn't going to let the NFL office prevent him from using the red jersey, though. Right before the pre-season game, Marc was defiant, stating, "I plan to wear it under my pads and tuck it into my pants. That should do the trick. I wonder where they make these magical jerseys? Oh, well. Every immobile quarterback like me should have one of these. Tonight I am invincible!"
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Thursday, August 10, 2006
St. Louisan sports poll results: Boston sucks
Saint Louis residents recently voted in a city-wide poll for their greatest sports fantasy. More than half of a million people completed the poll, making it one of the most comprehensive surveys about regional sports ever conducted. Known as a knowledgeable and loyal sports city, St. Louis has been eagerly awaiting the results of the poll. Many people have been discussing for weeks what the poll would show about the region's attitude towards each team and its hopes for success in the various leagues around the area.
One particular question asked the citizens, in multiple choice format, to describe their ultimate sports fantasy. There were many available responses, including championships for each professional team, as well as goals for the future in current and potential leagues. Receiving over 70% of the votes for the ultimate St. Louis sports fantasy was "Boston sinks into the Atlantic Ocean".
Many St. Louis sports fans have been dealing with the difficulties of letting their animosity against Boston pass on. Blues fans remember their sweep at the hands of the Bruins, including that picture of Bobby Orr flying through the air after scoring a goal. Rams fans painfully recall the Super Bowl loss to the Patriots, in one of the most mis-managed debacles ever played by a favored team. Cardinals fans all to well recall the disasterous sweep at the hands of the formerly-cursed Red Sox only a couple of years ago. If the Hawks were still here, I'm sure the Celtics would have found a way to kill them in the NBA playoffs.
Mayor Francis Slay, in responding to the poll results, stated, "Frankly, I'm not surprised. Hell, I picked that option as well. I looked like a real jackass when we lost to the Patriots and then to the Red Sox. I had to ship a crate of Ted Drewes and t-ravs up to Boston twice. If I see that Boston mayor again, I am going to punch him in the nose. And their accent is so annoying! Honestly, who talks like that?"
The other sports fantasy responses were: 1% - Blues championship; 5% - Rams championship; 5% - Mike Martz effigy burning; 6% - Cardinals championship; 12% - Naked pool party with Rams cheerleaders; 1% - other miscellaneous options.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
One particular question asked the citizens, in multiple choice format, to describe their ultimate sports fantasy. There were many available responses, including championships for each professional team, as well as goals for the future in current and potential leagues. Receiving over 70% of the votes for the ultimate St. Louis sports fantasy was "Boston sinks into the Atlantic Ocean".
Many St. Louis sports fans have been dealing with the difficulties of letting their animosity against Boston pass on. Blues fans remember their sweep at the hands of the Bruins, including that picture of Bobby Orr flying through the air after scoring a goal. Rams fans painfully recall the Super Bowl loss to the Patriots, in one of the most mis-managed debacles ever played by a favored team. Cardinals fans all to well recall the disasterous sweep at the hands of the formerly-cursed Red Sox only a couple of years ago. If the Hawks were still here, I'm sure the Celtics would have found a way to kill them in the NBA playoffs.
Mayor Francis Slay, in responding to the poll results, stated, "Frankly, I'm not surprised. Hell, I picked that option as well. I looked like a real jackass when we lost to the Patriots and then to the Red Sox. I had to ship a crate of Ted Drewes and t-ravs up to Boston twice. If I see that Boston mayor again, I am going to punch him in the nose. And their accent is so annoying! Honestly, who talks like that?"
The other sports fantasy responses were: 1% - Blues championship; 5% - Rams championship; 5% - Mike Martz effigy burning; 6% - Cardinals championship; 12% - Naked pool party with Rams cheerleaders; 1% - other miscellaneous options.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Hrabosky to Martz: Good Riddance
Former Cardinals situational relief pitcher Al Hrabosky, known for his crazy appearance and behavior when on the mound, has come out against former Rams head coach Mike Martz. In a recent television broadcast of a Cardinals game on Fox Sports Midwest, Joe Buck asked Al during a rain delay what he thought of the upcoming NFL season. Hrabosky, never one to hold back his thoughts, emotions or impulses, blurted out, "I'm glad we got rid of that guy! Man, I hate him." Once he realized what he had said, he refused to elaborate further with the television audience.
Reached for additional comments at his tin-walled barn of a bar, just south of the New Busch Stadium and in the shadows of the 40/64 overpass, Hrabosky lightened up for reporters off-camera. He continued, "Look, it's not that I have anything against the way Martz screwed up the Rams. Sure, he ruined the defense and let administrative squabbles destroy a team with high potential, but I never had a problem with any of that. What really bugged me was that he had gotten the nickname 'Mad Mike'. Come one, we all know that I have the rights to the name 'Mad'!" Hrabosky, in his playing days, was known as the Mad Hungarian because of his on-the-field antics. "What has Martz done to earn the name 'Mad Mike'? So he took a restraining order out on someone who was arguably crazier than Martz, but that's abotu it," rebutted Al, referring to the Kyle Turley incident.
When asked about the rocky relationship between him and Hrabosky, Martz responded, "Who the hell is Al Hrabosky? If he plays defense, then I don't want to hear about him. Unless of course he aced the Wonderlic test, then he is my intellectual equal and I can learn to respect him."
Hrabosky stated, "No one should steal somenoe else's nickname. It is a pretty low thing to do. In fact, just thinking about it gets me so ... what's the word? Upset!"
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Reached for additional comments at his tin-walled barn of a bar, just south of the New Busch Stadium and in the shadows of the 40/64 overpass, Hrabosky lightened up for reporters off-camera. He continued, "Look, it's not that I have anything against the way Martz screwed up the Rams. Sure, he ruined the defense and let administrative squabbles destroy a team with high potential, but I never had a problem with any of that. What really bugged me was that he had gotten the nickname 'Mad Mike'. Come one, we all know that I have the rights to the name 'Mad'!" Hrabosky, in his playing days, was known as the Mad Hungarian because of his on-the-field antics. "What has Martz done to earn the name 'Mad Mike'? So he took a restraining order out on someone who was arguably crazier than Martz, but that's abotu it," rebutted Al, referring to the Kyle Turley incident.
When asked about the rocky relationship between him and Hrabosky, Martz responded, "Who the hell is Al Hrabosky? If he plays defense, then I don't want to hear about him. Unless of course he aced the Wonderlic test, then he is my intellectual equal and I can learn to respect him."
Hrabosky stated, "No one should steal somenoe else's nickname. It is a pretty low thing to do. In fact, just thinking about it gets me so ... what's the word? Upset!"
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Wednesday, August 9, 2006
Chris Duncan taking batting advice from Ron Gant
Chris Duncan, the Cardinals' free-swinging left field spare-part-of-the-month, has been in contact with one of the team's alumni in hopes of finding the right methods for improving his game. Ron Gant, an integral part of the mid-90's mediocre teams, has had several recent meetings with Duncan to discuss his plate discipline.
Gant has been working with Duncan about freeing his mind of distractions, such as the rotation, speed or location of the ball, and instead only focusing on how hard he should swing the bat. Commenting on his time with the team, Ron noted that "keeping my eyes closed and swinging as hard as I could was a key element to my batting strategy. In fact, that is what I did every time I came to the plate." Duncan, like Gant, has been garnering attention for his tape-measure home runs, as well as for the frequency of his strikeouts.
Hoping to earn a regular spot on the team next season, Duncan has been eager to try out his refined approach during his limited playing time. "Ronnie gave me some great pointers, and it has paid off. Did you see the moon shot that I sent out to Broadway the other day? It was sweet." Duncan's strikeouts per at bat have jumped as well as his distance per home run, both of which are expected to be tops in the league by season's end.
When asked about the bonding between Duncan and Gant, manager Tony LaRussa said, "Oh crap! I need to put an end to that shit. If I had known that, we would've traded that kid a couple of weeks ago."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Gant has been working with Duncan about freeing his mind of distractions, such as the rotation, speed or location of the ball, and instead only focusing on how hard he should swing the bat. Commenting on his time with the team, Ron noted that "keeping my eyes closed and swinging as hard as I could was a key element to my batting strategy. In fact, that is what I did every time I came to the plate." Duncan, like Gant, has been garnering attention for his tape-measure home runs, as well as for the frequency of his strikeouts.
Hoping to earn a regular spot on the team next season, Duncan has been eager to try out his refined approach during his limited playing time. "Ronnie gave me some great pointers, and it has paid off. Did you see the moon shot that I sent out to Broadway the other day? It was sweet." Duncan's strikeouts per at bat have jumped as well as his distance per home run, both of which are expected to be tops in the league by season's end.
When asked about the bonding between Duncan and Gant, manager Tony LaRussa said, "Oh crap! I need to put an end to that shit. If I had known that, we would've traded that kid a couple of weeks ago."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Matt Leinert discovers that he was drafted by the NFL Cardinals
Matt Leinert, former USC quarterback, has been holding out from training camp and pre-season workouts with the Arizona Football Cardinals, and is currently the only first round pick without a contract. Talks were proceeding well until Leinert discovered that he had in fact been drafted by the NFL Cardinals and not the MLB Cardinals.
Reached for comment, Leinert stated "I consider myself a football player at heart, but I know that I am gifted enough to play two sports, like Deion Sanders, Bo Jackson or Brian Jordan. So when the Cardinals announced my name at the draft, I assumed that it was because I also played a little intermural baseball at USC. I mean, I did hit two home runs in the Sigma Chi game." Only upon reaching the podium did he fully comprehend what had happened. "They game me a football jersey and I was like 'oh damn, this must be some kind of joke'. Who in their right mind wants to play for the football Cardinals?"
Kurt Warner, current Arizona Cardinals quarterback and former St. Louis Rams quarterback, sympathizes with Leinert. "If I had a choice, I would play for a St. Louis team again instead of an Arizona team, especially when the Arizona team has an offensive line as bad as mine. Come on, guys, it's called blocking!" Warner also misses the slightly less horrible summer weather and having fans that show up to and give a crap at the games. "I wish I hadn't been railroaded out of St. Louis, just because my wife likes to call in to radio shows and subvert team management."
Since the trade talks have stalemated, Leinert has hopes of re-entering the draft, this time making it clear that he doesn't want any funny surprises next time. "I just want to play for a good team, like the Giants."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Reached for comment, Leinert stated "I consider myself a football player at heart, but I know that I am gifted enough to play two sports, like Deion Sanders, Bo Jackson or Brian Jordan. So when the Cardinals announced my name at the draft, I assumed that it was because I also played a little intermural baseball at USC. I mean, I did hit two home runs in the Sigma Chi game." Only upon reaching the podium did he fully comprehend what had happened. "They game me a football jersey and I was like 'oh damn, this must be some kind of joke'. Who in their right mind wants to play for the football Cardinals?"
Kurt Warner, current Arizona Cardinals quarterback and former St. Louis Rams quarterback, sympathizes with Leinert. "If I had a choice, I would play for a St. Louis team again instead of an Arizona team, especially when the Arizona team has an offensive line as bad as mine. Come on, guys, it's called blocking!" Warner also misses the slightly less horrible summer weather and having fans that show up to and give a crap at the games. "I wish I hadn't been railroaded out of St. Louis, just because my wife likes to call in to radio shows and subvert team management."
Since the trade talks have stalemated, Leinert has hopes of re-entering the draft, this time making it clear that he doesn't want any funny surprises next time. "I just want to play for a good team, like the Giants."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
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