Rams rookie hazing update

A regular tradition on local professional sports teams is the hazing of rookie players. For example, Blues forward Jamal Mayers had his eyebrows dyed in stripes when he first started. This year the Steamers rookies had to put on an amusing skit where they all wore dresses and makeup. For the Cardinals, the rookies have to carry the veterans' bags. Some critics have recently noted that a few of the Rams' hazing incidents this season might have gone a little too far. The veteran players dismiss such accusations and claim that it is all a part of joining the league.

Said Rams defensive tackle Jimmy Kennedy about the rookie hazing, "Well, when I joined the team as a rookie, they made me shave my eyebrows and I also had to eat some worms. I thought that this year we should kick it up a couple notches, so we went to Tye Hill's house, kidnapped him in the middle of the night and buried him alive in the middle of Tower Grove Park. Who's hot stuff now, Rook?" It was then explained to Kennedy that you need to breathe in order to live and that breathing underground was basically impossible, to which he replied, "Oh, well too bad then. I guess we need to spend next season's number one pick on another cornerback. Booyah! We got him good!"

When approached about the hazing issue at Rams Park, team captain Leonard Little commented that, "Perhaps we took the Tye Hill thing a little too far. But, I mean, no one got hurt when we hazed rookie Joe Klopfenstein. We made sure he was out on the town with the rest of the offense when we set fire to his apartment. Hoo-ah, that was some good hazing." Little was then told that the apartment complex fire that he and the rest of the defensive line started had left twenty innocent families homeless. In reply, he noted, "Serves 'em right for livin' next to a rookie."

In what now appears to be a related story, Rams rookie defensive tackle Claude Wroten swam to feedom somewhere near Cairo, Illinois, after being hit on the head with a crowbar by an unknown assailant after leaving Rams Park. He was then rolled up in a rug and thrown off of the Eads Bridge, but luckily managed to survive the ordeal. Police were investigating, but upon learning that it was most likely a Rams hazing-related incident, have ceased their efforts and let the team off with a warning. "Boys will be boys," noted a police spokesperson.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Klopfenstein Uber Allen! to replace Let's Go Rams!

The Rams drafted tight end Joe Klopfenstein out of the University of Colorado in the second round as a replacement for the departing Brandon Manuma, uh, Manomau, ah, let's see, Maenumomomo, ... uh, Brandon Smith. Joe, who is commonly mistaken for a native German becuase of his last name, was actually born here in America, right up the highway in Denver, Colorado. Nonetheless, several German-born St. Louisans have taken notice and are beginning to root for Joe, thinking that he is their native son.

Rams team president John Shaw is not going to disagree with those new fans. "You might not believe it, but very few native-Germans living here in America follow our football," remarked Shaw. "Of course they follow football, but they call it soccer. It is a little confusing, I know, but stick with me here. Anything we can do to tap into a new fan base, we are certainly going to attempt."

Shaw plans to reach out to these fans through a series of public service announcements. In a recent commercial, Klopfenstein, who is clearly reading from a teleprompter in a slow and confused manner, while wearing a shirt that looks like the German national flag, reached out to those fans. "Ich möchte Ventilatoren anregen, für mich während des Spiels." Joe continued, to a producer off camera, "What the hell does this shit mean?" Back facing the camera, the tight end noted, "Ich verspreche ein leistungsfähiges und moralisch emporhebendes Gleiches des amerikanischen Fußballs. What? Is this BS in my contract? I need to fire dat, I mean that, agent." The PSA ended with Klopfenstein asking the fans, "Bitte Nehmenanmerkung meiner Geschwindigkeit und Fähigkeiten, wie ich die Kugel mich verfange und hinunter auffangene laufe."

At the latest preseason football game, a pack of rowdy face paint-wearing hooligans showed up to cheer on Klopfenstein. Although the security at the Edward Jones Dome is adept at confiscating outside alcohol in the form of open beer cans and looking for weapons such as guns, they miss other hooligan-type contraband. Accordingly, several goons were seen drinking absynthe out of a hollowed out prosthetic limb and producing lead pipes and road flares from places unknown on their bodies.

Needless to say, those non-hooligan St. Louisans sitting in Section 120 that night were treated to a European flavor for sporting events not seen in America since the World Cup of Soccer was hosted here some years ago. At latest count, thirteen people have been wounded, and two cheerleaders are missing. The Dome has suffered one hundred thousand dollars in damage and extra security has been hired for future home games.

Thank you, John Shaw, for your commitment to and success at bringing in new fans!

[Diese Geschichte ist eine Satire der berühmten Leute. Wait, I mean this story is a satire of public figures.]

[Check out this page to make sense of this crap.]

[Thanks MWS.]