Thursday, November 30, 2006

Molina: I like C-Section scars

Stlsports recently caught up with the Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina for an interview. Molina has been busy with interviews, appearances, autograph sessions and his winter training. Even with all of that hustle and bustle he has been able to find time to lead an active social life. One of the few true bachelors on the team, Yadi, as he is affectionately called by the fans and his teammates, has been seen at local social establishments around town with some of the finer ladies the Midwest has to offer. In spite of this busy professional and social schedule, Molina found the time to share his thoughts with Stlsports and you, the readers.

Stlsports: Thanks for joining us for this interview - I know you are really busy.

Molina: Hey, anything for the fans, man!

Stlsports: Yadi, you're considered a little bit of a ladies man and you like to have a good time, am I right?

Molina: Yeah, I guess so.

Stlsports: So, what do you think about Britney Spears' latest gaffe, particularly those crazy photos taken of her nether-regions while out clubbing with Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton?

Molina: What are you talking about, guy?

Stlsports: About Britney and her crazy party lifestyle.

Molina: Don't you want to talk about the World Series?

Stlsports: That's old news, my man. You are the hip, young, partying member of the team, so I want to ask you about hip social issues.

Molina: I don't know nuthin about Britney Spears.

Stlsports: Well she was seen out on the town with no underpants on, and some photographers got pictures to prove it! How about that? Can you relate to this? What do you think?

Molina: I think that's nasty, man. Didn't she have some kids or something like that? Why are we talking about this crap?

Stlsports: Okay, let me be straight with you, Yadier. People are sick of sports news. The Blues stink and the Rams stink. The Redbird stuff has been done over and over and over again. They care about Madonna's adoption of some kid from Africa, Tom Cruise's crazy spaceship wedding, Kramer swearing at minorities, and Britney Spears' naked cooch. I am trying to get some increased readership here and you are cock-blocking me.

Molina: Sorry, man, but I thought you wanted to talk about sports. You called me up and said this would be a World Series-related interview.

Stlsports: I just need to sell some damned subscriptions and I could use some cooperation.

Molina: Subscriptions? Isn't your [fake] sports news blog free?

Stlsports: You are aggrivating me! Who's doing the interview here?

Molina: Okay. Don't get so worked up. We can talk about whatever you want.

Stlsports: Even Britney Spears' skanky photos?

Molina: I haven't seen them, so I don't know.

Stlsports: It is pretty gross. It's kind of shaved, and a little flabby. Oh, and you can see the c-section scar.

Molina: That's nasty. Let's talk about something else.

Stlsports: Honestly, I didn't even really prepare for this interview except to bring a copy of US Weekly with me.

Molina: So, can I just go?

Stlsports: Sure, I am going to make up most of the interview, anyway.

Molina: Uh, can I read it before you publish it?

Stlsports: Yeah. I am going to have to get a little creative with the title. You need snappy titles to get people's attention.

Molina: Like what do you have in mind?

Stlsports: How about "Molina: I like C-Section scars".

Molina: I don't like that. No way. Not only is that untrue, and a little nasty, but it is going to totally mess up some of my dates if that gets used.

Stlsports: Fine, I won't use it. What about "Molina admits he was present at TomKat's wedding".

Molina: But I wasn't there.

Stlsports: It doesn't matter. If not that one, I could try "Yadi / Madonna tryst ends in brawl with K-Fed".

Molina: That doesn't even make sense to me. How about "Yadier beats up smartassed reporter for pissing him off."

Stlsports: I think I see what you mean. Well, fine I guess I will just have to call Jim Edmonds or someone else to get an interview.

Molina: I guess so, man. He listens to Britney Spears, so go ahead and call him. Just don't ever call me again.

Stlsports: You got it, buddy. Thanks for the interview.

Molina: Remember - never call me again.

Stlsports: I got it.

Molina: Never.

[This story is a satire of public figures. Obviously this interview never happened.]

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Billikens looking to make some noise in NIT

The Saint Louis University mens' basketball team has been looking to improve on the past few seasons' disappointments. The Billikens have been a club hovering just below .500 since the Charlie Spoonhour era, and coach Brad Soderberg has the team excited about its potential. With a new on-campus arena being built, and now in their second season in the basketball-focused Atlantic-10 Conference, the not really all that Atlantic Billikens have higher expectations to live up to. Coach has set the bar high, preaching to the team that with a little bit of effort and a couple extra wins, his team can get into the prestigous National Invitational Tournament.

SLU actually won the NIT back in the 1950's, bringing a national championship to the city. Not many people know this, not nearly as many people who know that the newer, slightly improved NCAA tournament has supplanted the NIT as the premier postseason tourney for college basketball teams. Regardless, many see the NIT as a chance to show the country who really is the 66th best team in the land. The Billikens believe that they can aspire to be that team.

Said Univesity President Fr. Biondi, "Many of our donors are so old that they still believe the NIT is a great thing for the school. So when we get an NIT bid, they pop out those trust fund checkbooks and buy a brick or tile in the new stadium. The NCAA attracts the younger crowd, and honestly they are a little poorer or at least a little stingier. Sure, the advertising revenue would be great if the NCAA and A-10 didn't have us by the set. But I digress ... we would love to show off our city and our university on the second biggest stage of the basketball postseason."

Coach Soderberg, reached for comment, added, "The new stadium will really help us out a ton in recruiting. See, athletes are inherently lazy, in my experience, and the stadium will be on campus and hence a shorter trip from their townhouses than going all the way down to Kiel or Savvis or whatever the heck it is called now." He continued, "I think that if we play exceptional Billiken basketball, and by that I mean winning 53-52 each night against mediocre teams, we can get that RPI up into the low 80s and possibly into the high 70s. Then when the NIT comes-a-callin' we will be ready to represent."

Fr. Biondi elaborated, "I went to a workshop put on by my dear friend Bill DeWitt. Did you know you can charge whatever you want for concessions and souveniers and people will still pay for it? Holy heck! Plus, in the NIT, the games are at the home stadiums of one of the teams, not on the road in some random city. The NIT will actually make us so much more money than an NCAA bid. I am getting a little ahead of myself, I know, but it is all so exciting."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

St. Louis College of Pharmacy game not some kind of scheduling prank

The Saint Louis College of Pharmacy has a rich tradition of academic excellence, and specializes, as the name tends to indicate, in preparing students for working as a pharmacist or in a related field. Although one might not expect it, the STLCOP has an athletic program, and having recently joined the Kentucky Intercollegiate Althetic Conference in the NAIA, they have been met with a great deal of success on the court. The success, however, has not been because of superior athletic performance, but instead because of the numerous forfeits that the STLCOP receives when the other team fails to show up for the games.

Said a STLCOP senior and member of the campus athletic booster club, "It is really strange. We get our faces painted, and we party a little bit to get read, and then when we get to the arena to cheer on our team, there is no opponent. This happens more often than not." To-date the STLCOP men's basketball team is 24-5, having only played five games, all losses. Despite the poor performance and statistics on the court, the team has already locked up the regular season title thanks to the 24 forfeits to this point. This is the school's latest in a long line of athletic titles for the institution, including an undefeated wrestling team that never once wrestled, and a swimming team championship when no swimming pool was necessary.

Reached for comment, a junior member of the conference rival Midway College basketball team, noted, "We saw them on the schedule and thought it was some kind of joke or typo. So we all went to a party and missed the games. Why the hell would a pharmacy school have an athletic department? What would they be doing on the court playing basketball? They should be in the pharmacy study lab learning to count blue and white pills, not wasting their time on the court. Seriously, I am really cheesed that this turned into a couple of forfeits for us. And what the hell is a Eutectic? I mean, honestly, do they take Dr. Mario as a final exam in one of their classes? What are they doing over there that takes six years for a damned degree?"

The student was referring to the Eutectic, which is explained on the website as the chemical term for the mixing of two solids to form a liquid, aptly visualized in the form of a monster in a lab coat holding a couple old-time pharmacy tools. Optomistic about his team's success, the STLCOP president has petitioned for a move from the NAIA into the NCAA Division I ranks. "We have been putting up some incredible records here in NAIA and I think it is about time we had our due. I think that the Big 12 is ready to expand and we will be ready to meet the challenge. As I understand it, life is fifty percent showing up, and we seem to have that down. That's why we win so darn much. That and the other team not showing up, that also has a lot to do with it, but I am not about to let the NCAA in on that little tidbit."

[This story is a satire. Similarities to actual people/events is coincidental.]

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Interview: McGwire optomistic about HOF vote

Mark McGwire, the man who saved Major League Baseball while wearing a St. Louis Cardinal uniform, is on the ballot for voting retired players into the professional Hall of Fame this year. In exchange for his accomplishments, the national media and short-memoried fans have completely villified him with no evidence but that which their eyes can observe. A recent survey of twenty percent of voters for the HOF showed that he was well short of the votes needed to get the honor. Still, in spite of these criticims, McGwire remains optomistic.

Stlsports caught up with Mark on the golf course near his home in California, where he was hitting the hell out of the ball with each successive swing. When asked how he could explain such an incredible mass increase over a short period of time, he noted, "Who are you going to believe? Me or your lying eyes? Trust me, I am no cheater. I played the game honestly with honest, legal supplements. Now please leave me alone so that I may golf with Chris Pronger in peace."

Reports have been circulating that Jose Canseco plans to publish another tell-all book, timed to no doubt coincide with the Hall of Fame vote. Oddly enough, a second tell-all book by the same person on the same subject might tend to indicate that the first book was not really a tell-all but a tell-some. Reached for comment, Canseco noted, "Let's just say, a syringe full of drugs isn't the only thing I stuck in Mark's butt in a bathroom stall at the stadium. If you get my drift." Canseco then made the winky-winky elbow motion, incidating that perhaps he had a double entendre in that previous phrase. Jose continued, "I don't think Mark should get into the Hall. Not because he cheated, God bless him for that. I think that his off the field activities should ban him from the Hall. I think you know what I am getting at." He then made an imaginary butt-slapping gesture directly in front of him and started to sweet talk into the air. "That sort of funny business has no place in the Baseball Hall of Fame, if you ask me. No way. Please buy my book."

Confused, Stlsports decided to take this information straight to McGwire for comment. Upon hearing the narrative of the Canseco interview, and after Stlsports aped the pantomime performed by Jose during said same interview, Mark became visibly upset. He noted, "Why did you come over here to tell me this? All lies! Why does he lie?! You should not make me angry! You would not like me when I am angry!" Worried, McGwire then added, "Must get blood pressure down. Don't trigger it. Butterflies, rainbows, kitty cats, puppies, applesauce, sunflowers. Ahhhh. [Long awkward contemplative pause.] Now, let's not talk anymore about Mr. Canseco. That's all in the past, and I don't want to talk about it. Let's all be calm and not make me angry anymore."

After slowly backing away from the second McGwire interview, Stlsports took the issue to avid baseball fan and tireless Saint Louis sports promoter, Mayor Francis Slay, who noted that the entire issue has left him "now only more confused." Slay continued, "Sure, he saved baseball, and sure no one seemed to care that he was probably cheating until that Congressional hearing, but in the end he spent a bunch of time in a bathroom stall (allegedly!) with Jose Canseco with his pants at least partially pulled down. How in great goodness can that person be elected into the Hall of Fame? I can't answer that better than anyone else. That's why they get voted in, just like here in the City. Of course in the HOF vote, the voters are all alive and entitled to vote. None of that funny stuff we pull here in the Lou works in the Hall vote. Whoops, I've said too much. I'll be needing that tape recorder and your notebooks, please, you unscrupulous, lying sports reporters."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Thursday, November 23, 2006

What St. Louis pro athletes are thankful for...

Stlsports, in celebration of Thanksgiving, took a little impromptu survey of pro athletes from the St. Louis area over the past few weeks in preparation for this story. So, in the first installment of what will likely be an annual event [unless legal challenges force this site to close prematurely], here is the "First Annual Stlsports What I'm Thankful For".

Leonard Little: "High-priced lawyers, and the salaries to pay them."

Jason Marquis: "Crazy high run support, and thus an inflated win total, right before free agency."

John Davidson: "Irrevocable season tickets."

Tony LaRussa: "Whoever was the fielding coach for the Tigers pitchers this past year."

Rick Ankiel: "Foolish loyalty."

Keith Tkachuk: "My No-Trade Clause."

Joe Buck: "The fact that my last name is Buck. Otherwise, I would probably be driving a bus for a living."

Juan Encarnacion: "Guaranteed contracts. Whew!"

Orlando Pace: "The fact that I don't have to be a part of that mess again until next fall."

Dave Checketts: "The part of the tax code that allows writing off business losses."

Scott Linehan: "The Arizona Cardinals."

Jeff Suppan: "Oh a little something called NLCS MVP in my walk year. Cha-ching!"

Mo Williams: "Companies that offer discreet packaging for shipping."

Jim Edmonds: "The thin market for outfield free agents this offseason."

Bill DeWitt: "Tax dollars as assistance for my impoverished team and starving players."

Doug Weight: "Bill Laurie's salary dump, particularly of me to Carolina."

Chris Duncan: "Chew."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Cardinals' end of year party 'gag awards' ceremony draws some complaints

The Cardinals concluded their official end of season festivities a few days ago with the premier of the officially licensed DVD at Powell Symphony Hall. It was a fun event for fans and players, and everyone seemed to have a good time. After the event, the players and their families gathered at a local restaurant for a catered, casual event to cap of a magical season. Adam Wainright emceed the event, and a series of gag awards were given out to razz some of the players. A few of those awards and the associated recipients, however, feel that a few of the gag awards went a little too far, and some people reported being uncomfortable.

The ceremony started off innocently enough. Mark Mulder won the award for 'Worst Gas' and everyone seemed to think that was really funny, especially his road room mate and the people with adjacent lockers. Jason Marquis won the 'Too Much Cologne' prize, and the trophy was an empty bottle of Brut. David Eckstein won 'Most Hair Lost' for the season, John Rodruigez won 'Stinkiest Socks' and Tyler Johnson won 'Most Likely to be Traded to the Cubs'. Things were going well until a few of the veterans did not enjoy their gag gifts nearly as much.

Jim Edmonds, reached for comment, noted, "I don't know what the criteria was for these prizes or who exactly decided to give them out. I was not happy with mine at all. 'Most Likely to Pick a Fight with a Person in a Wheelchair'? That's not an award, that's libel!" So Taguchi had similar reservations with his prize, having won 'Worst Ass Hair'. He replied to questions on the award, adding, "This is something that brings me much shame. My family did not need to hear the team mock my abundant nether-region hair growth. My reputation as a clubhouse leader is shattered."

Team owner Bill DeWitt, who only learned of the fact that he won "Bony Old Man of the Year" at the ceremony during this interview, noted, "I can't say I'm happy about how this awards thing turned out. I was out of town lobbying Congress for funds to help my poor and impoverished team, and only heard about this recently. Swift action must be taken. I put Lamping on it, and he usually gets me results." Mark Lamping, in response to the assignment, stated that swift action would in fact be taken. "I will not sit idly by while players like Scott Rolen, who won for Biggest Hoosier, get made fun of. What really stinks for Rolen is that 'hoosier' in St. Louis does not mean an Indiana native. It means a complete, well, you know, hoosier. Not so flattering, but he didn't even get upset."

Jeff Suppan, who won two awards, one for 'Worst Acting in a Political Ad" and another for "MILFiest Wife", was also a little upset. "Okay, so the stem cell ad thing I might have deserved. I believed in it, and I did something about it, so gimme a break. But on that other award, now that I know at least a few of these guys are leering at my wife makes me a little uncomfortable. This entire thing has been a fiasco. They won't treat me like that on the Dodgers, no sir. And if they do, it's not something a cool twelve mill' a year can't fix."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Rams D to blame poor play on tainted Turducken

The Saint Louis Rams have a very important divisional matchup this weekend against the surging San Francisco 49ers. [PSA - For those of you who don't habla Espanol, San Fransicso is Spanish for City Where Gays Get Married.] The Niners have been winning games, something the Rams have been avoiding for a while. While the Rams have their eyes on a top pick in next spring's draft, their rival has dreams of winning a wild card spot in the playoff race. The game this weekend is a key contest, and both teams are eagerly awaiting the chance to get on the field.

Getting a head start on the post-game activities is the team press release corps, which has already planned the team announcements for after the game. While this might seem unprecedented, many compare this to political candidates who write both acceptance and concession speeches, knowing they will need one. Such is apparently the practice in the NFL, expecially on a holiday weekend like this one. Reached for comment, team president John Shaw noted, "Well, what with the Thanksgiving holiday approaching, we decided to give some of our support staff some extra time off. So we had the girls upstairs in the press release group draft up the post-game news snippets to send out to the media."

Shocking as this might seem, the press releases claim that the Rams' poor run defense in this upcoming game on Sunday is attributed to a tainted batch of Turducken. Turducken, a favorite of NFL legend and video game kingpin John Madden, is a chicken stuffed with stuffing and then stuffed in a duck and then stuffed in a turkey. While this might seem excessive, especially to starving people in Africa, this is a normal, healthy way to spend your Thanksgiving. Once in a tryptophan-induced coma, the Turducken afficianado can then watch some NFL matchups of teams far better than the Rams all day long.

When asked about the Turducken excuse, Shaw commented, "That Frank Gore is a hell of a runner. And I don't want to be shy about it, so let me just tell you outright that our run defense has been abysmal. You don't need to even understand football to know that much. So after Gore runs us up and down the gridiron this weekend, we will have a story all lined up for the press. Tainted or not, that Turducken is taking the fall, not me." Shaw was then asked about what would happen in the unlikely event that the Rams defense can shut down Gore and the rest of the 49ers offense, to which he replied, "Well then they had better get a press release ready about me eating my hat and kissing my own ass, cuz that ain't happening."

The Rams' private Thanksgiving brunch chef was not pleased to hear this report. "Blame the Turducken, will they?" he mused angrily at news of the planned press release. "Okay, if they want some tained Turducken, I can give them some tainted Turducken." The chef then, blinded by rage, proceeded to throw away all of the bread and meat stuffing and place an order for two cases of canned dog food, as well as ordering his sous chefs to take the birds out of refridgeration to thaw on the counter a few days too early. "I am not going out like some fool for no reason. Let's see them stop the run while their collective asses are exploding. Lesson to readers? Don't piss off your chef."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Monday, November 20, 2006

KSDK accidentally shows NASCAR highlights

During the dinnertime broadcasts of the local news on KSDK, the NBC affiliate in St. Louis, the final segment is dedicated to sports, as it should be. This evening was no exception, as sports director Rene Knott (that's ren-ee, not ruh-nay - this is a guy) did his usual 'I wish I was on ESPN' routine for the viewing audience. Rene can read from a teleprompter like the best of them, and can even convincingly feign interest in hockey, which is quite impressive. Why Malcom Briggs was thrown out on his ass after years of service, when he was clearly in line for the sports director position at KSDK, is becoming more and more apparent with each Rene Knott broadcast. However something terrible happend this evening when Knott gave NASCAR highlights during the sports report.

Some hick named Jimmie Johnson ran in the Hillbilly 400 last weekend, and in doing so managed to win the NASCAR Chase for the Cup. The Cup no doubt contains Busch or Pabst, but nonetheless this is a big deal out where Missouri is actually Missouruh. Not so much in St. Louis, and hence the controversy. Johnson (not the football coach / commentator) cleverly secured the Cup title with not a win, but a ninth place finish. The way this works is the top ten points leaders after so many races are eligible for the championship, but everyone else still races. So the guy who wins the title could actually not win any of the final races, or something like that. And people not good enough to be in the Chase can will all of the Chase races. Only in NASCAR, where filling your gastank in a quick and efficient manner that would make most German's proud, and where automotive maintenance is performed rather haphazardly, can you find that kind of rip roaring ninth place finishes that make you want to cheer.

Before the broadcast aired, an intern who thought the racecar stuff was remotely newsworthy queued up some clips from the race and typed in some text into the teleprompter. Like most talentless talking heads, Knott simply read what was scrolling in front of him on the teleprompter. After talking about Pujols losing another MVP award to an inferior player, and after lamenting the Rams' listless performance in Carolina, Knott moved onto other things. Then NASCAR clips started rolling and he began to give details. Luckily for KSDK, someone in the studio was paying attention and put a quick stop to the bit before the entire segment could run its course. After a seemingly endless ninety seconds of dead air, the station came back online and an immediate apology was issued.

Said station a station public relations representative, when reached for comment, "We have taken some heat for airing the racing stuff, and for that we sincerely apologize. We know that St. Louis sports fans just want to see us talk about the Cardinals and Rams, and occassionaly the Blues, with some other stuff sprinkled in. But NASCAR is inexcusable, and I am really just keeping my fingers crossed that the FCC doesn't come down on us too hard. We really took a whallop when we hired a female sports reporter. That was a heck of a fine. Plus we lost quite a few viewers. But this gaffe might just cost us our license. I hope not."

Mayor Francis Slay, so angry that he could barely speak, noted, "I almost choked on my dinner! It was like out of a cartoon or a bad comedy! I really spit out the contents of my mouth, I was so flabbergasted. This is really inexcusable. KSDK has been living fast and loose over there in thier ivory tower on Market Street, and it is about time for the Mayoral You-Know-What-Kickers to do a little straightening up. Starting Tuesday, that station is under new management. Welcome to City TV 5, St. Louis. No more Rene Knott, no more Frank Cusamano, and no more damned NASCAR clips. You can keep that cute little blondie who does sports, though, that one's fine. But I am taking over." When asked if the Mayor's zeal for hands-on management and the ease with which is coup of the station took place could be applied to the local school board, he replied, "I am taking away your press credentials. That was your last warning. I told you not to bring that up, but you did it anyway."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Friday, November 17, 2006

Pace's injury gives him time to scrapbook

The Rams suffered a noticable loss during last Sunday's game, when offensive tackle Orlando Pace tore a muscle in his arm, causing him to miss the remainder of the season. Few members of the team play as intensely and at such a high level as Pace. He is the anchor of the offiensive line and the key member of the pass protection scheme that the Rams use each Sunday. While this is a devastating blow to the team and the fans, Pace is still upbeat about the ordeal.

Reached for comment, Pace noted, "The strains of football have really taken away from my true passion - scrapbooking. I used to spend my days at The Ohio State University collecting colorful bits of paper, string, and stickers to make creative scrapbook pages with my old and new photographs. Well, now that I have some free time, I can get back to my roots and constructively spend my time, rather than going out on that dirty field and getting all dirty and beat up." Asked whether or not he was serious, Orlando replied, "Of course I'm serious. Something like scrapbooking cannot be done half-way. No, sir, this is a serious hobby. Nay, a lifestyle."

Rams quaterback Marc Bulger, noted, "With Pace out, I am guessing that I will be spending more time on my back than a two dollar Tijuana hoo... uh, you know, I shouldn't say that analogy with the cameras rolling. Kids might be watching, and I would not want to be inappropriate. Let's just say I'll take more hits than a junkie on welfare check day." It was then explained to Bulger that Pace's backup might actuall perform servicably and that the team could string together some wins, to which he responded, "That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard. That's dumber than a hillbilly eating lead paint chips under some power lines."

Bulger's insensitive remarks aside, the Rams front office has been taking this all in stride. A noticeably weeping team president John Shaw added, "This is going to kill our replica jersey revenue! Why?! Why?! Oh, God, why couldn't it have been some other player?! Why?!"

Pace concluded, "I also plan to start a book club and perhaps get that pie cookbook published. This injury is truly a blessing from God."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Indoor blimp catastrophe leaves 22 dead

Details are finally emerging from the rubble at ScottTrade Center following the indoor blimp catastrophe that left twenty two spectators dead, dozens injured and three missing. As was widely reported in the national media outlets, during the hockey game at home against the Edmonton Oilers last Sunday, the remote controlled indoor coupon-dropping blimp got tangled on some indoor fireworks lines, and a fireball of death and mineral water coupons ensued. In the aftermath, several lawsuits have been filed by individuals and consumer groups. The Blues team management has expressed some concern that this might reflect poorly upon the team and may hurt ticket sales.

Team President John Davidson noted, "Well, Hydrogen is just so darn cheap, and what with the budget crunch and all, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Now, not so much. Oh, the humanity!" Most people use helium in blimps or zepplins, because it is a non-flamable, inert gas. Helium is more expensive per liter than Hydrogen, and doesn't float as well. However, Hydrogen is also highly flammable. So when some idiot started setting off indoor fireworks to celebrate a Blues goal, the blimp, in an attempt to maneuver around those wires, became tangled, and the explosion ensued.

"Now members of the staff are mentioning something called the Hindenburg. Well I wish I had heard about this sooner than just this morning," added Davidson. "Some lives could have been saved and some rennovations could have been spared. Way to drop the ball, guys."

Team Owner Dave Checketts, reached for comment, said, "The good news is that the majority of those killed were season ticket holders, and thus their seats have been paid for for the remainder of the season. Sadly, they will not be able to buy our concessions for the rest of the year." It was then noted by an aide into Checketts' ear that ticket holders are people and not just dollar signs, to which he replied, "Oh, yes of course the Blues send their condolances to the families of those killed and injured. With those condolances will be a coupon for ten percent off of tickets to the games and some more mineral water coupons."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Masturbating banned at ScottTrade Center

The St. Louis Blues management group came out with some new house rules and restrictions for fans at the popular event forum, the newly renamed ScottTrade Center. Among the changes was a ban on clothes with profane or obscene language or images on them, a restriction on the size of bags that can be brought in, and a zero tolerance policy for bringing outside alcoholic beverages into the arena. Not lost in the new regulation changes is the rule that masturbating in the stands is not allowed.

Said team President John Davidson, "Well, we have had a couple 'incidents' this season, and when our guards went to kick the offending party out of the building, they would ask if what they were doing was banned by the arena rules. As unbelievable as it might be, we never came out and banned it. So we threw this in with the rule changes to make it easier to kick these people out of there or at least make them stop."

New team owner Dave Checketts, commenting on the change, noted, "I'm upset that it had to come to this, but changes needed to be made. I hate to be the ogre here, but it was beginning to disrupt the other fans, few as they might be. When the product on the ice is not so great, I can see why people tend to distract themselves by doing other things. Some fans read the paper, others talk amongst themselves, and hopefully most of them are spending money on concessions. But a few goofy fans found that vigorously giving themselves the ol' secret handshake in the stands would make the game a little more fun. Other fans sitting near them tended to disagree, so we stepped in."

Oddly enough, performing abortions, killing of animals, smoking opiates and shooting off fireworks are also not banned in the arena, and were not added to the list of new rules. Some of these irregularities were brought to the attention of Davidson, who replied, "I am not in the business of restricting people's freedoms. I just want to make Blues hockey an enjoyable event for all people. With no complaints about any of that other behavior, there is no reason to restrict it at this time."

It was them asked if masturbating was banned in all of ScottTrade or just in the stands, to which Davidson replied, "Well of course you have those cooky special interest groups. So while we can ban it in the stands, we had to provide by Federal law some designated areas where fans can go to and, uh, take care of any personal business. Let's just say you should avoid the new rooms behind sections 102, 206, and 313."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

In-line hockey franchises sold to local entrepreneurs

The Professional Inline Hockey Association just announced that St. Louis would be a target for league expansion in the upcoming season. In an incredible move, unprecidented in professional sports history, St. Louis has been awarded not one, not two, not even three, but four franchises for the upcoming season in the PIHA. The teams will be: the Midwest Tornadoes (Ballwin), the River City Whalers (St. Charles), the St. Louis Rattlers (St. Charles) and the Southside Snipers (Somewhere south?). League managers and owners are excited at this amazing and rapid expansion. Certainly this league is set to "Blow Up", as advertised on the league website.

In keeping with the league's policy of "not expanding too fast and too soon," only four teams were awarded to the St. Louis area, instead of the standard dozen or so. Said league founder and president Charley Yoder, "I think that the restraint our league showed in only giving out four franchises to that area this year is in line with our policies. Get it? 'In-Line'? That's pretty funny, you have to admit. Anyway, this market is so exciting that we had to expand there. And expand and expand and expand. I see great things for roller hockey in St. Louis. Great things."

Given the relatively new status of the league, and the number of teams awarded, the price for expansion was fairly reasonable. An ad running in the back of the Riverfront Times asked readers if they "ever wanted to own a professional sports team." Four people replied to the 1-800 number listed on the back, and after a brief telephone interview, an online application form and a $50 check made out to the PIHA Fiji Island Holding Trust, they were awarded their franchises. Given the intense popularity of the now-defunct St. Louis Vipers IHL team, this seems like money well spent, according to the one owner who had a working number listed. This owner, wishing to remain unnamed for fear of intense publicity and media scrutiny, plans to invest wisely in the team. Hopefully, it was noted, the players are willing to play for free and make their own jerseys and skates, and then the team might begin to make some money.

Seemingly the only person upset in the move is the owner of the Cincinnati Flying Monkeys, who somehow got grouped in the five-team 'Gateway Division' with the four Saint Louis expansion franchises. "How the hell did that happen?" he asked. "What a frickin job they worked on me. I pay my franchise fee, and they give me the hose. Why not put me in the "Canadian West Division, while we are sticking it up my ass? Who planned this stupid league?"

Reached for comment, relentless St. Louis sports cheerleader Mayor Francis Slay, added, "My staff tells me that the St. Louis area already had two minor league inline hockey teams, the St. Louis Pythons (St. Peters) and the River City Stingray (St. Charles) for indoor skating hockey. Well this is a fine day for the area. I am really proud that we can play hockey on wheels and without ice. Sadly, since they are not in the city limits, we cannot tax them, but I plan on requesting more expansion soon to within the city limits."

Slay added, "I predict this whole thing folds, I mean, becomes successful within a few short years. Four teams? What an amazing acheivement. I think that accomplishment alone merits my re-election." The Mayor was then asked about crime, the school board, crumbling roads, homeless people, taxes and other less important issues, to which he responded, "Why do you always bring up that other shit? I am trying to talk about my hometown. I am trying to put a positive spin on something that is happening in this city. Any you bring up this other peripheral crap? Come on, man, just let me talk up this city's upside for once without taxes-this and homeless-that. Just once."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

[This league, however, is not made up.]

Monday, November 13, 2006

$25 gift card to Cardinals team store a shitty present

As the holiday season approaches, some people are thinking about what to get their loved ones or liked acquaintences for Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa or whatever people do around Christmas-time in Asia. Gift cards are excellent options. It's like giving money, only much more restrictive and requiring a trip to the store. Nothing says, "I don't know you well enough to know what to give you" like a plastic fake credit card to only one store. And the St. Louis Cardinals hope that many people out there follow the national trend of buying gift cards for the holidays, something that has been happening more often each and every year for the past ten years.

Said team chairman Bill DeWitt, "I used to get my nephews and nieces twenty five dollar gift cards to the music store in the mall for the holidays. But they would complain that it would only buy them one compact disc. What an incredible ripoff! Those magnificent bastards!" DeWitt, lost in sinister thought, began to gaze gleefully off into space. He was returned to the interview with a couple of stiff nudges, and then continued, "So I realized that we could do the same thing. Sell the gift cards in round number denominations that are a few bucks more than the prices of our best selling items. We used the mall music store model to increase revenue. Things have been a little tight around here lately, and it's time to trim the fat and look for some extra change here and there."

Asked to elaborate on this 'plan', DeWitt deferred us to team president Mark Lamping, who was busy washing DeWitt's car. Lamping, between waxing on and off, commented, "So an official t-shirt sells for $21 after tax. We sell gift cards typically for $25. This leaves change on the card that we already got paid when the first guy bought the card. Who is going to carry around a card with a couple bucks on it? So they either pitch it or buy more crap with their own cash. Really, that man is a genius. Oops, back to work! He is watching me from his window up there!"

Stlsports decided to investigate further. Upon arriving at the Cardinals Gift Shop, a $10 Hanes hooded sweatshirt was selling for $50 dollars. "The real value", according to the clerk, was in the "iron-on World Series logo", that cost a few cents to produce en masse. "It's a genuine, officially licensed sweatshirt," he boasted. And, added the clerk, "the sweatshirts were bought in bulk from Malaysia", and thus actually only cost about $4 each. "God Bless America", he added. Gift cards were being sold at denominations of $10, $25, $50 and $100. Most items cost a few dollars less than those denominations, the store having fully implemented the ingenious revenue-generating scheme of Cardinals management.

Forced to succumb to the marketing and pressure, Stlsports was cornered into buying a $25 card for Mrs. Stlsports for Christmas. After all, she has had her eye on that $18 baseball cap and has been yearning for a reason to drive into downtown St. Louis to go to a store conveniently located in the stadium. She will love it!

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Friday, November 10, 2006

McCaskill: The Royals need your tax dollars!

Newly-elected Missouri senator Claire McCaskill managed to win the seat of outgoing senator Jim Talent in a close election. With McCaskill taking office, a change in policy at the federal level is anticipated, and the issues being fought for on behalf of Missouri might change as well. Some political commentators have speculated that she might use her influence to bring some much-needed tax relief to impoverished, hurting and financially-unviable groups, such as her favorite baseball team, the Kansas City Royals.

Just as John Ashcroft diverted tax revenue to the St. Louis Cardinals and as Bill Clinton portioned off budgeted federal money for Klan softball teams (allegedly), McCaskill has plans for the federal government to divert your funds to Kaufmann Stadium, the home of her beloved Royals. "I was getting used to spending only Missouri's money on Missouri's problems, but now that I am in Washington, I can spend everybody's money on Missouri's problems!", elated McCaskill. The freshman senator continued, "It is amazing! All of this free money to spend! There's so much of it, we can just spend it all. And, you know what? When we run out, we just print some more! Is this a great country, or what?"

When asked how she plans to carry out this act, she noted, "I can just get Kaufmann declared a disaster area. I mean, in the figurative sense, I guess it is a disaster what is happening there to my cherished Royals. But is it really a disaster? No, but as a former auditor, I think I can write up a budget proposal that can get approved. Give me some credit, here."

In a parallel story, Illinois' re-elected governor Rod "Perfect Hair" Blagjoyevitchs (sp?) has petitioned both the federal government and the state legislature for money to buy the sorry-assed Cubbies from the stingy owners of the Wrigley/Tribune family of incompetence. "Only a buffoon would sign Kerry Wood to an extension," opined Rod. He added ,"And I would ask that money be spent on more prudent options, like proven stars. Where is Barry Bonds? How about Jose Lima? Kent Bottenfield? Chuck Finley? Milton Bradley? I want proven winners on that team, and with your help, Illinois, I can do it. We can change things for the better."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

[Okay, so maybe Clinton didn't use part of the federal budget on Klan softball. On the upside, getting on the FBI flagged blog list just adds readership.]

Thursday, November 9, 2006

Suppan: I support cloning 'hot-assed bitches'

During the heated mid-term election here in Missouri, several constitutional amendments were on the ballot. One raised the minimum wage, while another would have raised taxes on tobacco to near national levels (the sticks are cheap-o here in MO!). One issue that got the most attention was the ballot measure known as Amendment 2, which would legalize all forms of stem cell research allowed by federal law. Many celebrities and noted civic leaders assured us that the measure banned cloning, at the same time urging us not to read it, but simply to vote as they tell us. Several others, opponents of the measure, claimed that a cursory reading of the measure showed that it did in fact allow cloning. [Why is this in a satire sports blog? Keep reading ...]

The amendment passed, but not without a fight from some notable sports figures, including Mike Sweeny of the KC Royals, Kurt Warner of the AZ Gridbirds, and David Eckstein and Jeff Suppan of the World Series Champion Cardinals. These uber-powerful sports figures, along with that wife from Everybody Loves Raymond and the guy who played Jesus in the movies, made it known that they were opposed to cloning and to the amendment, including Suppan, who appeared in an advertisement during the World Series game he pitched. Jeff, known amongst his teammates as sensible, intelligent and well-spoken, made some enemies in the clubhouse and in the fan base. Regardless, he has caged his words of late, noting that, if push came to shove, he would support the cloning of "hot-assed bitches."

Asked to elaborate on his comments, Suppan noted, "Well that stuff is going to happen, whether or not it did in Missouri or somewhere else. Why even bother trying to stop it? So while they are at it, why not clone me up some hotties? I could use a cloned Lindsay Lohan all for myself. Man, that sounds good." It was then explained to Suppan that Lohan is a little over half his age, to which he replied, "She's over eighteen, right? Okay, so leave me alone about that."

Other celebrities who spoke out against the measure have since come back towards the middle ground. Eckstein has asked researchers to provide him with a "nacho cloning machine", which was explained to him as not really the purpose of the amendment. Persistant, and perhaps not thinking things through, Eckstein is pouring thousands into nacho cloning technologies. Kevin Sweeney has asked Royals team management to clone him some teammates that can hit, field, pitch, run or just about do anything better than his sorry-assed teammates right now. And Kurt Warner has asked for a cloned assassin to kill his crazy wife. While these requests might seem idiotic and rediculous to us, just think of how crazy computers and blogs and toilets sounded to people just a few decades ago.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Wednesday, November 8, 2006

Alert: Stlsports switches to All-Porno format in an effort to boost readership

So mail it in! Really, I need some uncopyrighted material to start this change. I know it will take some time, but change is inevitable. And I hear change is good, or at least that's what all the political ads have been telling me.

Sports no more! All porn all the time! Eventually. We're still in the planning stages.

Tuesday, November 7, 2006

Hot ticket in town: Women's soccer

biThe Saint Louis University women's soccer team has, for the second consecutive season, managed to lock up the Atlantic-10 championship. The stellar play of the league rookie of the year and some other women in shorts resulted in a trip to the title game of the league tournament. After dispatching their A-10 foes in order, the Lady Billikens are looking forward to getting their first opponent in the NCAA championship bracket and starting on the path to a national title.

Tickets to Lady Billiken soccer games have been hard to come by. Said one renowned scalper, "I have seen a steady increase in demand for these tickets. I am fairly certain that, with the Cardinals' great season over with and with the Rams only playing a few more times at home this year, the Lady Bills tickets are the hottest ticket in town." When asked about the Steamers, Blues and other college sports, he replied, "Don't waste my time with that other crap! No money in that stuff."

Reached for comment, Fr. Lawrence Biodi, president of the Jesuit university, noted, "Haha! We're out-drawing the Blues! At women's soccer! Once we get that new kick butt stadium built on campus, we can really stick it to them with our basketball attendance. And we can build a wall or fence around the campus to keep people out. I have been itching for that wall for a while, with towers on the perimeter."

A regular scene at local college bars and fraternity gatherings has been a group of young men drunkenly salivating at the sight of sweaty women running around in short shorts. One of these fine exemplars of academia noted, "Those soccer women are pretty darned hot. Wooh, look at her, she is smokin'!" He was then asked about his thoughts on the team's success, to which he replied, "What? Who cares? No one watches women's sports for fundamentals or for competition. Like everyone else, women's sports is watched for the women. The smaller the outfits and the hotter the women the better. SLU soccer girls are right up there. But you know what would make this better? Thong bikinis. You want to talk about a spike in attendance? Thong bikinis - think about it. Hey, pass me another Budweiser!"

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Monday, November 6, 2006

Haslett: Perhaps playing like ass not so great

The Rams, for the second consecutive week, played a horrible game on defense. Not that LaDanian Tomlinson and Larry Johnson aren't running all over the rest of the league, but the Rams have been putting out particularly putrid efforts lately after what was considered by some to be a great start. Defensive coordinator Jim Haslett has been taking some heat about the recent slide in effort and play.

"I tried to walk them through it very simply," explained Haslett. He continued, "I called a defensive meeting and set it all out there: 'It's called tackling. Remember, from Pop Warner? Remember? Tackling. Using your strength and momentum and grip to wrestle the opposing player who has the ball to the ground. Tackling. Look into it.' I think it was beginning to come back to some of them. Well, none of the starters, but a few of them."

When asked why the team has been performing so poorly, Haslett could only speculate, "Well at home I have been getting a ton of obnoxious phone calls from automated auto-dialers telling me who to vote for or against in the election tomorrow. That has probably been the source of the problems on defense. The impending election and those ads and phone calls. That and the poor funadmental play. And really good offensive teams."

Finally, Haslett added, "I will be happy as hell when that stupid election is over. Then we can start playing some solid defense again."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

"Smooch Your Pooch" an unhygenic suggestion

The St. Louis Cardinals are the World Series champions, and with the title comes a great deal of additional media attention on the players, coaches and management. Sometimes, people in the sports world like to use attention to push an agenda. For example, Kurt Warner took advantage of his Super Bowl win to talk about God and Jesus. Shaquille Oneal talked about his superstar rap status after winning another basketball title. And Wayne Gretzky made crazy statements about the Islamic liberation movement in Chechnya. But now Tony LaRussa has decided to push his own social agenda with the national spotlight squarely on him.

During the World Series parade, instead of wearing something relating to the Cardinals, or perhaps some normal clothes, he decided to put on a black t-shirt with giant a lipstick print on the front. In the midst of the kiss was the slogan 'Smooch Your Pooch', as an encouragement for people to kiss their dogs. LaRussa, an avid animal lover, started the Animal Rescue Fund (or something like that), a charity based in where else but California for the benefit of pets. The shirt has drawn some confusion from fans, including those in the animal care profession.

Reached for comment, a noted veterinarian stated, "Actually you should not be smooching pooches. Or any pet. Really, pets are pretty damned filthy in the mouth. I have heard the euphamism that a dog's mouth is cleaner than a humans, but that must have been stated by someone who eats poop and garbage all day, since that is about how clean a dog's mouth is. Have you ever seen two dogs together? What do they do? They lick each other's butts. Then they sniff around the ground, eat some poop and garbage, and then lick their own privates. No, not very clean at all. LaRussa is an idiot. Instead of smooching your pooch, how about deworming or immunizing your pooch? I know that is not a great slogan, but a lot better than smooching your pooch. What a sicko."

LaRussa commented, in response to the medical professional, "I think I know a little something about dogs. I own fifty. I smooch them all the time. Right before leaving to go to work, I smooch each dog each day. My wife doesn't live here in St. Louis with me, so I smooch my dogs on the way out the door. It gets lonely here in this penthouse. So lonely."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Friday, November 3, 2006

Special Edition: Rejected Sports Headlines [Part 4]

It's been a while since one of these got published. With good reason, because they are awful.

NAACP lodges formal 'lack of diversity' complaint against NHL [You've got Donald Brashear and Jerome Iginla and then who?]

NHL tickets not selling well in North St. Louis City [This is closely tied to the previous rejected headline.]

Coach Q to Pleau: Thank you for firing me! [How do you think people on the Titanic life boats felt? Ask coach Q.]

Aaron Miles waiting for big payday [Ripping on this guy is way too easy, since he has such a high opinion of himself.]

Aaron Miles too short to ride the Screamin' Eagle [This goes beyond making fun, and into just plain mean.]

1380 AM / 550 AM rumble leaves 3 dead, 12 injured [This reminds me of Anchorman, and those stations really seem to dislike each other.]

Chris Duncan aiming for 2018 Gold Glove nomination [Anyone who watched right field in game five of the World Series knows what I mean.]

Kerry Robinson upset about lack of Ryan Howard comparisons [The gag, and it is not great, is that while both are from St. Louis, only Howard gets attention from the media.]

Keith Law still hates the Cardinals with every fiber of his being [This is the dude, a former scout who now blogs for ESPN, who made it clear each and every day, up to the day you are reading this, that the 2006 Cardinals are the worst team of all time, worse than the 2004 KC Royals and the 2003 Detroit Tigers and the 1899 Cleveland Spiders.]

Steamers hooligans killed in brawl following tough loss [Now how tough are indoor soccer hooligans from the USA? Probably not so tough, and hence the story. It was lame, though.]

Indoor soccer three point shot confuses everyone [Well did YOU know there was a 3-point shot in indoor soccer? Neither did I. Darryl Durran didn't even know that.]

$25 gift card to Cardinals team store buys half a sweatshirt [How do you make a ten dollar Hanes sweatshirt worth fifty bucks? Iron on a Cardinals World Series logo.]

Area orphanage capacity too low to support NBA franchise [I made a similar gag in a prior story and this would have elaborated. But children with no parents, or at least no parents who care about them, is really not very funny at all.]

Spelling bee winner beats up poker tournament winner [Dumb idea of comparing the toughness of athetes in sports of questionable sportiness.]

World Series of Scrabble outdraws Steamers game [My buddy is a Scrabble lunatic, so this is for him.]

Phrase "Pocket Pool" banned at Billiards tournament [Good one liner, but a dumb story. I tried this one out and it bombed.]

Georgia Frontiere can't find St. Louis on a map [Same thing - good one liner, bad joke in practice. Maybe not even a good one liner ...]

Suppan: I support the cloning of hot-assed bitches only [Yes, he was in the anti-cloning ad. But if his feet were put to the fire, like most men, we would support the cloning of hot-assed bitches and perhaps also some skanktastic hos as well.]

Grudzielanek: Gold Glove not as cool as a World Series Ring [Lesson for ballplayers: Ask for too much = Get sent to KC, MO, with a Gold Glove consolation prize. Ask for reasonable amount = Be on World Series team.]

Governor's Cup named lamest trophy in Missouri history [Really it is. No one here gives a crap. So Matt Blunt gives it out? Whoopie.]

Chiefs pumped for Governor's Cup game, Rams not so much [Different take on the above joke. Whooptie doo.]

Cubs fans not bitter, just suicidal and depressed [I thought this up a while ago, then it was in the Post-Dispatch. 2004 - Red Sox break the curse, similar to the Cubs' curse. 2005 - Cross-town rival White Sox get a ring, also having been a while since they won it all. 2006 - Long time division rival and arch enemies the Cardinals win a ring. Poor Cubbies. Hahahahahahaahaha!!!]

Talent: McCaskill is a Royals/Chiefs fan! [Some people would seriously vote against her based on these ads. I know I would.]

[These stories would have been satires of public figures.]

Torry Holt wins Rawlings Gold Glove Award

The Rams have a future Hall of Fame wide receiver in Torry Holt. He has had as great of a start to his career as some of the finest players in NFL history. Torry is revered by the fans and feared by opposing defensive backs. He has been in two Super Bowls and will hopefully be in a few more. Besides being a fine player, he has been a part of football and draft day analysis for television networks. Truly his star shines brightly and we can continue to expect great things from this fine athlete. But now he has accomplished something truly extraordinary - winning a Rawlings Gold Glove Award.

Said MLB Commissioner Bud Selig, "Torry Holt can make catches that most people dream about, and he makes it look easy. He has the best hands in the game. We wanted to mix it up a little bit and decided that, if he was an outfielder, he would be one of the best in the league. I don't think he should be penalized for playing in a different league." Selig was then reminded that Holt doesn't just play in a different league, but a different sport altogether, to which he replied, "What the hell is the difference? Catch the ball on the run. Good enough for me. Listen, the people at Rawlings give this thing out, not me. I don't even like football."

Reached for comment, Holt noted, "It is about damned time that I started getting the recognition that I deserve. Just because Chad Johnson and Terrell Owens are louder and more obnoxious than me, doesn't mean that they are better than me. I think this Gold Glove finally proves that I am an amazing athlete. That or it proves that the people at Rawlings are a little crazy. Either way I am thrilled at the honor."

Rawlings defended its move though a company spokesman, who commented, "The outfield position was a little thin this year. And we were all sitting around drinking some beers and watching some football and we thought, hey, you know what, Torry Holt would be a great outfielder. It grew out of that. Pretty organic if you ask me."

In an unrelated story, Mary McSorley has been belatedly awarded a Silver Slugger award for the year 2000.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

[You win a prize if you get that McSorley reference.]

Thursday, November 2, 2006

Mid-Season Fantasy Football Update

We're half way through the National Football League season, and accordingly we are halfway through the Fantasy Football season. It's time for the contenders to make some moves and for the pretenders to clear their rosters, roll over and die. As usual, Stlsports' two teams are a pretender and a non-contender, respectively. A brief (well, kind of brief) update on the fantasy leagues:

High School Friend League

Stlsports is 4-4. This is not so great, obviously. I could easily be 6-2, but I am an over-managing dumbass. Week 1 = loss because I sat Frank Gore. Week 7 = loss because I sat Hines Ward. The team is decent overall, but there are a couple juggernauts out there that might kill me in the playoffs. Who knows. I have a couple weeks to decide whether I should pack it in and sell of my stars, hoping to win the Toilet Bowl (consolation bracket championship, which awards the top pick next season) and get some good keeper candidates, or sell of some of my pretty darned good keeper players and rookies for some elite players and make a run. What a conundrum.

Flapjack has been hounding me to post this football update. Okay, I can own it - he schooled me when I played him a few weeks ago. All of his big guns were on a bye and I was at full strength and he straight up took me behind the woodshed. He was asking how my butt felt for the next two weeks. Hardy har har, Flapjack. A 7-1 records does not a doormat unmake. At 7-1, you are getting prepped for a huge letdown. Huge, but predictable. Your team is good, but you will lose in the playoffs and be left with a late pick next season. Plus, you sold all but one of your keeper prospects in some interesting trades. Things just aren't looking so good for you. You know I'm right. Too bad. See you next season.

The stunning loss to Flapjack aside, Stlsports managed to lose to the winless team managed by his own brother. Unkie Herb, as we will call him to protect his identity, has a bad team. And by bad team, I mean a godawfuldisastercrapola team. Most people like to draft two starting running backs and one starting quarterback, but not old Herb. One starting RB and a few risky QBs later, and he came into the week 7 showdown at a Raider-esque 0-6. But there is always the Bidwell Cardinals of each fantasy league, and it was me. Well sure, I would have won if I wasn't an over-managing idiot. But in the end, he has his win to get him over the hump. He made some sweet trades (pay attention, Flapjack) and his team is ripped for next year. He is all set and with some competent drafting (i.e. no advice from me) he can contend a year from now.

Cupcake's team is pretty good. A few holes, but nothing too terrible. Dumpling, not so much. He is in the tank. I predict that I conquer Dumpling in the Toilet Bowl championship game and Flapjack loses in the first round of the playoffs to Cupcake. But none of us will win the title. That will go to some othe idiot. Who cares. I am in this league to socialize and get drunk at the draft party. Mission accomplished. When is the next draft party?

Brother-In-Law League

Stlsports is 2-6. That's what I get for drafting Edgerrin James and Willis McGahee with the first two picks. Too bad scoring touchdowns is not a priority for either of these hacks. Too bad their NFL teams are terrible. What a worthless team. Everyone on it sucks. What the hell was I thinking? Next draft, the formula will be more beer consumption and less thinking.

Plus, now I have my 3-5 brother-in-law talking crap about how my team is so bad it could not even help him out. Allright, dude, I am 3-0 against you lifetime. Let's see what happens in a couple of weeks.

And when I played Sugarpie a few weeks ago, I made sure not to side bet with his side bet welching ass. Of course I lost and it was the right call in the end. If we had made a bet, I would have welched on it and waited to see how much he complained. The other brothers-in-law finally heard about his non-payment of wagered beer last season and they were wildly pissed off. Way more pissed off than I was or am.

My only two wins happily came against brother-in-laws (I have five or six). They really really really hated losing to me. I am totally satisfied with just those two wins, since I can hold those over them for a while. I just need one more over Mark, who we will call Cuddles to protect his identity, to run my lifetime record against him to 4-0. Man, that would annoy the heck out of him.

Overall, the season is a wash. I ran up a 10-2 mark against them last year, and, as I predicted in August, I am on the road to 2-10. I have decided to sell my few valuable players in lopsided trade offers, to be balanced out by beer payments. The offers are not rolling in.

Final Thoughts

Good luck to everyone in the home stretch of their respective leagues, except Flapjack and Cuddles!

Here's to a Stlsports / Unkie Herb title game in 2007!

Here's to Flapjack repeating as 2007 Draft Party Beer Bitch!

Wednesday, November 1, 2006

Taguchi: I am natually immune to bird flu

Americans have been worried about the Asian epidemic of bird flu. Not only does this terrible flu kill birds, but it can also kill humans, and hence the worries. Several careless Asian tourists have been suspected of unknowingly carrying the flu into America, where the population is waiting hopelessly with no mass-produced vaccine and with no natural biological immunities or defenses to this plague. Thankfully, the Cardinals have decided to re-sign outfielder So Taguchi.

When he is not busy being booed by Asian baseball fans not from Japan, Taguchi is tirelessly promoting Japan, including its tourism industry and rich culture. When something as ugly as the bird flu pandemic comes into the news, this hurts Taguchi greatly. Luckily, since he is Japanese, and hence Asian, he is natually immune to the bird flu, and thus can be useful in creating a universal vaccine, or at least that's what some Washington University researchers have told us.

Said Taguchi, "Yes, I am very most lucky baseball player, since I am not capable of contracting the bird flu. I have made my special blood donation most available to those scientists so that American baseball fans can participate in the healthy lifestyles of successful Japanese citizens." The secret project, codenamed "Operation Gootch", has been in the works for a couple of years now at the Washington University underground research bunker near the west end of Forest Park. Millions of taxpayer and fundraised dollars have been responsibly and carefully spent on researching this one man's blood.

When his contract expired at the end of this season, the project was put into jeopardy. Citing budget constraints, the Cardinals had planned not to resign the popular player. However, thanks to grants from the Carnegie Foundation and the United Way, So was resigned and can be available in St. Louis for the next couple of seasons. This is good news for fans of disciplined, fundamental fielding, as well as fans of not dying from bird flu.

Thank you, So!

[This story is a satire of public figures.]