Clayton Krispy Kreme closes as result of Ray King trade

The Clayton, Missouri location of Krispy Kreme donuts has been forced to close due to lost business after being open for only a few years. Industry insiders have pointed to a number of factors in trying to understand why such a popular chain had to close in a busy business district, but many people are for the most part baffled. Former Krispy Kreme store manager Roscoe Johnson has no question in his mind as to why he was forced to shutter his business, pointing his finger squarely at the Ray King trade.

Ray King, a left-handed relief specialist from the bullpen, was brought to St. Louis several years ago in a deal that sent J.D. Drew and Eli Marerro to Atlanta, and St. Louis received in return King, Adam Wainright and Jason Marquis. King was highly regarded amongst the St. Louis Cardinals fan base for his first few seasons until his productivity and attitude simultaneously diminished. A public feud with manager Tony LaRussa was the last straw, leading to the team trading King to Colorado for complete waste of lineup space Aaron Miles.

Now that he is wallowing in pitchers' hell in Coors Field, King is missing his old team and city, as well as his Krispy Kremes. "They don't have the Krispy Kremes here in Colorado," lamented King. "They have some crappy local chain. I can't get my devils food, or my sour cream, or my favorite, the blueberry. Instead I have junk. Man, I could kill for a piping hot glazed right about now."

Roscoe Johnson estimated that the recent health food fad would have closed the store had Ray King not been traded to St. Louis. "We were in trouble, no doubt, until Ray King came to town. People never really came by all that often. Then one day this guy comes in and says that he moved into a luxury apartment here in Clayton and that he was a ballplayer looking for a good donut. So I let him have a sample and he came back. Every day. He ate almost every meal here, and singlehandedly kept us open. Once he left, we tried to compete, but our coffee is only so good. So we had to shut her down."

Other local businesses have also been feeling the pinch because of local sports teams trades. Sidney Ponson leaving St. Louis hit the local economy particularly hard, closing both a White Castle and a liquor store near his former downtown apartment.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]