Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Welcome to the Stlsports Archive blog

Thanks for visiting the Stlsports Archive page, here on Blogger.

A little background: During the summer of 2006, I was tooling around with doing a sports-themed satire blog. I liked The Onion, The Brushback, and The Sports Pickle, all fine publications. But I believed that St. Louis deserved its own sports satire site, written by someone who knows and loves local sports.

So, on August 9, 2006, I made my first posts and continued from there. The format was once or twice a week with two-a-days early on to boost the amount of content. Almost a year later, I had about 300 posts.

The formats of the posts evolved into several classes. Some posts were completely fictional, while others had elements of truth or were based on current news. Commentaries became integrated into the posts, as well as collections of Rejected Sports Headlines. Often those rejects would turn into articles down the line.

Along the way, I picked up a Local Blog O' The Week award from the Riverfront Times. A loyal readership of friends, and some other random people whose identities remain a mystery to me, ensued.

As you will see from the label index on the left, some sports and political figures were more favored than others. The label index is a nice feature on Blogger.

Stlsports continued through another mediocre Rams season, another mediocre Blues season, and a... Cardinals World Series win! Other ancillary sports stuff happened, but that was the big thing.

The old Stlsports was housed on blog-city, which decided that it would charge people for blogging at the end of the year, with some privileges cut off prior to that. Blog-city, which is based in England somewhere, was nice while it lasted, but I don't feel like paying someone just to hold an archive of my stuff. So here I am on Blogger.

As 2007 reached its midway point, the posts became a little more strained, and less funny, to be truthful. I felt like I was rehashing some of the same gags and my caricatures of players had turned into caricatures of themselves. I got a new (read: far better) job, my kid is getting older, and things are so busy, I just did not have the time to invest into Stlsports that it deserved.

So I moved the archive here, to Blogger, where it can continue to be read and linked to. I will come up with another blog, and I have some ideas, but this one will not be added to on the archive page, other than to bring over content from blog-city.

I have to add the entries one at a time, since there is no migration feature on Blogger, not that blog-city migrates well to anyone else anyway. That just takes time, but does not result in a loss of content. The one big drawback for you, the reader (assuming you exist), is that prior comments will be lost. Sorry, but it is the price you pay to keep the Stlsports postings alive on Blogger.


- Stlsports

Monday, January 1, 2007

Local homosexual wins fantasy football league

A local homosexual managed to win his fantasy football league, much to the shock and amazement of his fellow fake football team managers.

Despite a pitiful track record in the past, and despite repeated instances of blatent, gross incompetence, somehow, by some incredible manifestation Flapjack won the fantasy football league. I have no idea how this finally happened. I guess this is parity in its most sinister form.

The good news for the rest of us is that he retains his title of Beer Bitch until the beginning of the 2007-2008 draft in August. The bad news is that now he gets to rant and rave with some real gloat behind it. His insane postings used to be comical and ignorable. Now I guess we have to kind of listen to him. How can the perennial league doormat rise to this level? God only knows. God and the voodoo preist Flapjack undoubtedly paid.

So congratulations, you clown. I guess even a blind dog finds a bone sometimes. You demanded a blog posting in your honor to commemorate the occasion of your championship, and here it is. Be careful what you wish for.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Brokeback Mountain confuses, disturbs some Blues players

The new Andy Murray regime at the St. Louis Blues franchise has seen some tough times. The first few games after Murray took over, subsequent to the firing of Mike Kitchen, were as ugly as it gets. Then, suddenly, the team started winning. Now that the Kitchen-era struggles seemed to be behind the team, coach Murray decided it was time for some team male bonding. Murray had some motivational speeches and activities planned for the players during an off-day retreat this past week. However, things took a turn for the worse when the motivational movie selected by the new coach was Brokeback Mountain.

In case you have been living under a rock, Brokeback Mountain is about two gay cowboys who love each other. Really, there is no need to explain it any further, since that pretty much sums it up for people who like westerns. If you like gay movies, then this is right up your alley. Have a great time. Stlsports missed that one, and it was no accident. Lots of people (not friends) told Stlsports what an amazing, beautiful, lifechanging movie it was. Hey, that's great. I am still not going to see it. No thanks. I don't care how many Oscar nominations and awards it was up for. The Oscars are rigged, anyway. Gay cowboys? Good God, man!

So, getting back to the story, Andy Murray, who never goes to the movies, called up his old buddy Joel Quenville, who is now the coach of the Colorado Avalanche. Coach Q, as he is known, was the predecessor to Mike Kitchen, and his needless dismissal left a bad taste in his mouth. Regardless of the politics of the business end of the National Hockey League, Murray felt that he could reach out to Quenville. According to Murray, "I asked Q if he knew of any recent movies that showed a bond between friends. See, I don't really go to the movies that much and I know Joel does like to see a movie once a while in the theater. He suggested Brokeback Mountain. He said it was a western that had just come out and won a bunch of awards, and it was all about male bonding. Well, that was good enough for me. I am trying to get these guys to bond here, and this movie was going to inspire them." After a pensive moment, he continued, "Not such a great idea after all."

Coach Q, reached for comment, noted, "I can't believe he actually showed that to the team. I bet post-game showers will be a little strange from now on. Kind of nice throwing a monkey wrench into the Blues team that fired me for no damned reason. Of couse, that team is so bad right now, I guess it wasn't really necessary. But, you know what? To hell with them fellas!"

Coach Murray, at the retreat, put in the DVD and noted, "I want you guys to understand what my regime as head coach is all about. I want to see quality male bonding and teamwork. This movie is all about male bonding and teamwork and solid relationships. Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to have a coaches meeting to draw up some plays. I will return when the video is over." With that the coach left his team to the screening of Brokeback Mountain. Upon his return, confusion was abound.

Veteran Jamal Mayers stated, "I don't know what that movie had to do with hockey, but I am a little confused. This is what Andy Murray's style of hockey is all about? What?" Defenseman Barrett Jackman had similar issues, noting, "Why did he show that movie? Listen, there is nothing wrong with being gay. Hell, there is nothing wrong with being a gay cowboy. My only fault lies in showing a gay cowboy movie to a hockey team and telling the team that this movie represents your visions for the hockey team. Does anyone else think that is a little odd?" Forward Bill Guerin, new to the team this season, added, "Does the team management have any idea who the hell they hired when they hired this guy? This is the second gayest western I have ever seen, right after the Young Guns, which was pretty gay. Regardless, I am showering at home after games from now on."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

[By the way, for an excellent Brokeback Mountain parody, Google 'Brokeback to the Future.]

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Death of Gerald Ford hits Pujols particularly hard

When news reached Albert Pujols this morning about the death of Gerald Ford, he was visibly shaken. Normally a man who shows little emotion, he was moved to tears. Quietly, he called his friends to tell them of the tragic news, and took the day off of training to spend time with his family. Only once in a while does something this disappointing and upsetting shake the foundations of a person as resolute as Pujols. He spent the day in mourning, and only this evening did he finally grant the press the interview that it was seeking. Below is a transcript of the emotional interview:

Pujols: I wanted to talk to you guys today about the loss of Gerald Ford. This is a sad day for America and a sad day for the Pujols family.

Media: Albert, why has this incident struck you particularly hard?

Pujols: Well, when I first came to this country, it was Gerald Ford that brought me into America and the Kansas City area. Because of Gerald Ford, my family was taken care of and I was given my first good job. I paid my way through high school and into junior college. I owe everything to Gerald Ford. That is why this is so sad.

Media: We had no idea of the role Gerald Ford played in your life. When did you first meet the President?

Pujols: Well, he was not the president at the time. He was actually the manager. He was quite helpful to me, and I think I met him in 1989 when I first came to America.

Media: The manager of what, Albert?

Pujols: Well the manager of Gerald Ford. His name was Roscoe Johnson. Mr. Johnson was so nice to us. Like I said, he even game me my first job washing cars on the sales lot. I only made a few dollars an hour, but it was more money that I was used to. My family is so appreciative of what Gerald Ford did for us.

Media: Albert, you aren't talking about the Gerald Ford dealership out by Grandview in suburban Kansas City, are you?

Pujols: Well, yeah, man. I heard that the place died. You know, I got my first Ford from that place and ... hey, where are you all going?

Media: We are all going home. Clearly there is some mistake, you complete moron. You called us here for something so stupid, it is incomprehensible. The car dealership known as Gerald Ford is, presumably, still open for business. Gerald Ford, the 38th president of the United States, died. I assume you never met the man?

Pujols: Well, no. [pause] So, you are saying that Gerald Ford is still open? Oh, happy day! I am so relieved.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Suzy Kolber's new hairdoo top NFL story in St. Louis

Suzy Kolber, the sideline reporter for Monday Night Football, got a new haircut this past week (or maybe it was sooner, but I didn't notice). She has long been known for her gigantic, thick, helmet of a harido, and it had become her trademark look. In fact, there are several websites dedicated to Kolber-worship in one way or another. Suzy is a seasoned and respected reporter, and was a party to one of the finest on-air off-the-field moments ever in Jets history. Personally, Stlsports liked the old haircut, since it added an air of mystery to her. Now, it is clear that she is really not all that good looking and I am glad that I decided to stick with my wife after all. So why is this news? Because this is all that anyone can talk about at Rams park, and that seems to upset some members of the current Rams team.

Running back Steven Jackson, who is having the break out season that he promised, scored the overtime game-winning touchdown at home against the Washington [un-P.C. term] football team last Sunday at home. No one in town watched the game on television, since the game did not sell out by the Thursday deadline, and instead the local fans were forced to watch two really good teams who will both likely be in the playoffs compete in an excellent game. Too bad the Rams picked the blacked-out game to put on such an excellent performance, because no one in town seems to be talking about it. Only Suzy Kolber's hairdo and opinions on the same were the topics of discussion. Jackson, reached for comment on the Kolber haircut situation, noted, "I am so sick of hearing about that woman. Why aren't we talking about my play this past weekend? There is a little something called the playoffs that we are in contention for, and I would like to know if anyone has any questions relating to the playoffs."

In response to Jackson's tirade, Rams beat writer for the Post-Dispatch, Jim Thomas, asked the running back if he thought Kolber should go back to wearing her hair in a giant poof for the playoffs or if the new wavy, sexy doo was a better option. Jackson only replied with profanities, and then wondered out loud why no one in the locker room cared about the Rams' playoff chances.

Quarterback Marc Bulger, always being diplomatic in the locker room, added, "Well, I admit that the chances of us getting into the playoffs are pretty remote. And by 'pretty remote', I mean meteor hitting the earth and exploding nothing but gold nuggets into my pickup truck, while simultaneously striking oil on my front lawn. Pretty remote, indeed. But Steven has a right to be upset. He has really worked hard half of the season or so and deserves more respect. We should be talking to him about the playoffs, or whatever, and not Suzy Kolber's terrible new doo. Man, I would have hooked up with her in a second beforehand, but now, the mystery is all gone. I don't know if I like it. Suzy, you used to be a little cuter but now, I don't think it's you, babe."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas from Stlsports!

Merry Christmas!

The wife kicked some major ass this year. I scored The Baseball Book from Sports Illustrated and a framed photo print from the World Series celebration. She also got me a zip up Cardinals sweatshirt, in my size and in my style. She should be commended.

Hope everyone had a safe and pleasant holiday! Busy sports week coming up!

Friday, December 22, 2006

Happy Festivus from Stlsports!

Here at Stlsports, we wish you a joyous and safe Festivus, just a day early. While the true origins of the holiday are debatable, no one can deny the merit of getting everything out in the open. Local sports figures have joined in the Festivus spirit by participating in the rich tradition of the Airing of Grievances, as excerpted below. Hope you are all ready for the celebration! Enjoy!

Bill DeWitt to the St. Louis City Fire Marshall: You disappointed me by not letting me squeeze more seats into that stadium! Do you know how much money your precious little 'Fire Code' costs me each game?

Jason Marquis to the 2006 Cardinals Offense: You caused me great disappointment by not providing me with run support in excess of ten runs per game, and thus costing me millions! Thank God for the crazy Cubbies!

Brad Soderberg to Tyler Hansborough: I am very very disappointed with your choice to attend North Carolina. What kind of future do you expect down there? This is the big time, here in St. Louis! You fool!

Rams front office to ticket scaplers: Why could'nt you buy up the rest of those tickets against Washington this weekend? Now the game is blacked out and the St. Louis football fans will have to watch a really good game for once and see how nice things are going in other towns! Damn you!

Mark Mulder to his physicians: I am disappointed that you did not give me the bionic robot arm that was promised in the pre-surgery brochure. Now I have to negotiate with these loser teams. Thanks a lot, Dr. Quack!

Mike Kitchen to the Blues front office: My disappointment in you lies in the fact that you would not buy me out of my contract sooner than you did. Now I have missed the prime Canadian fly fishing season. And for what? To be at the helm of that quote-unquote team for a few extra weeks?

P.F.L.A.G. to the Rams: Our disappointment lies in the incredible statistics that show that there are zero gay or lesbian head coaches in the NFL, and the Rams did not interview even one gay or lesbian head coach this past offseason. This blatant discrimination is inbominable and has to be changed.

Alex Barron to Richie Incognito: I am disappointed in all of the stupid penalties that you get that cost this team field position and kill drives. You stink.

The guy who wears the Fredbird suit to Mark Lamping: What disappointment I feel in that you couldn't spring to get this suit drycleaned even once! Do you know how stinky that costume got by mid-October? And how about putting a fan or something in there?

Rick Ankiel to the Cardinals: I am disappointed you cut me. Thanks for nothing.

The Cardinals to Rick Ankiel: Don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you, you staggering disappointment of a nutcase.

John Davison to the St. Louis community: I am disappointed in your attendance. Why aren't you supporting us carte blanche? What did we do to deserve this? [pause] Oh, yeah, that's right, now I remember. Wow, I guess we DO deserve this.

St. Louis community to the NFL: We are all disappointed in the NFL Network money-grab exploitation. Kiss our collective butts!

Stlsports to Willis McGahee, Edgerrin James, Santana Moss, Jake Delhomme, Byron Leftwich, Musin Mohammed, and Derrick Mason: Thanks for the disappointing fantasy season, losers. My 4-9 team wouldn't have been all it could be without all of you giving your very best half-assed performance this year. You are all on my 'list'.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Fan / alumnus reaction to Missouri State loss

Actual conversation I had with Flapjack this afternoon. It should be noted that Flapjack went to Missouri State University.

Stlsports: Hello?

Flapjack: So SLU cheated, did you hear?

Stlsports: I don't think that there was any cheating.

Flapjack: Totally cheating.

Stlsports: The fact that the ref might have missed the call, all because of what a recently-released "scout tape" shows, while Soderberg quietly waited for the decision, is cheating? Do you even know the definition of the word 'cheating'?

Flapjack: This just gives more fuel to those Billiken sympathizers at the Post-Dispatch. Did you read Burwell? Or Miklasz? They do anything they can to talk about SLU like it is Notre Dame or Boston College.

Stlsports: What are you talking about? I don't think you and I are reading the same newspapers.

Flapjack: They said SLU would've made a mistake joining the Missouri Valley Conference, compared to the A-10! The MVC is totally a better basketball conference.

Stlsports: Again, I don't think we are reading the same articles. That's not what it said. Sometimes you make no sense.


Flapjack: Hey, what are you doing tonight? Wanna go over to Schlafly [Tap Room] and have some beers tonight?

Special Edition: Phoenix bureau

Actual conversation I had with a Phoenix taxicab driver yesterday, while on the way to the airport to get the hell out of that damned desert:

Phoenix Taxicab Driver: Are you headed home for the holidays?

Stlsports: No, actually I am from St. Louis and here on a one day business trip.

Phoenix Taxicab Driver: Saint Louis, huh? Hey, would you [referring undoubtedly to St. Louis in general] mind taking the Cardinals back?

Stlsports: No thanks.

Phoenix Taxicab Driver: Well what about the Bidwells?

Stlsports: No, you can keep them too.

Phoenix Taxicab Driver: I don't know much about football, but I know it's hard to throw the football when you are on your back all the time.

Stlsports: Well observed.

Phoenix Taxicab Driver: Thanks, by the way, for that home opener.

Stlsports: No problem. A vision of things to come for that nice new stadium.

What a sad man. But then I got thinking: What if the Greatest Show on Turf never happened? Say the Faulk deal never happens and Kurt Warner doesn't get promoted from backup. Would I be telling someone from Los Angeles if they would like the pitiful Rams back? How about that nutbar owner Georgia? Food for thought. Glad to be back home.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

SLU beats MSU, but not the good one

Saint Louis University has been making significant strides in the past few seasons to advance the national (and local) image of the men's basketball team. For the first time in a while, the team is off to a hot start and has put together a promising season. With what is anticipated to be a below average conference schedule, the importance of the early season non-conference games cannot be overlooked if SLU has any ambitions to return to the NCAA tournament in March. Some quality wins over good opponents would certainly help, and the Billikens were poised to take on MSU at ScottTrade Center yesterday. Much to their surprise, a team other than Michigan State showed up to the arena, and SLU reluctantly beat them instead.

Just recently South West Missouri State University decided that directionally-names schools are not cool. North East Missouri State University, striving to get potential students to not realize that the school is located in NE MO (God-forsaken Kirksville, to be exact) changed its name to Truman State in the late 1990s. SWMSU thought that it would be a good idea to keep directions out of its name as well and, after years' of battling in the state legislature, the name was only recently changed to Missouri State University, or MSU for short. Too bad for MSU, but several other NCAA Division I schools are already initialed MSU, and this can lead to confusion, as it did the other day.

Said Billikens head coach Brad Soderberg, "I heard we had MSU coming up and I watched a ton of tape. I was pretty amped up to play Michigan State, such a presigious basketball program, but when I heard it wasn't going to be them, I assumed it would be Mississippi State, and no it wasn't them either. Montana State seemed like it might be too small to play us but I was willing to deal with it, but it was not them either. Someone then mentioned that SWMSU changed its name and I remembered seeing something about that in the paper a while back. Oh well the bottom line is we had to beat them instead of some other MSU team. All the same I guess. I still would have liked to get a crack at the real MSU, you know, the one in Michigan."

The game was exciting for all, except local Michigan State alums who showed up to cheer on their team. Several thousand were in attendance. Noted one alumnus, "To say the least, I was pissed off. Who falsely advertised this as a MSU game? This is not MSU! There is only one real MSU! So I booed those Missouri State kids up and down the court, with the rest of us true MSU fans. We show up in force. I think the booing and heckling from the MSU fans won the game for the Billikens, I really do. Serves them right for stealing our name!"

[This story is a satire of public figures.]