Jason Marquis was not the exemplar of fine starting pitching last season. He came close, in the 2006 campaign, to shattering the record for earned run average by a pitcher to lead his league in wins. Just a couple games that might have gone the Cardinals' way and he would be in infamous company. Regardless, Marquis earned a reputation both in the locker room and in the media as someone who refused to listen to coaching. While his talent might have been of high ceiling caliber, his mental state prevented him from attaining his true potential. It was commonly believed that if Leo Mazzone and Dave Duncan could not right his pitching ship, then no one could.
Despite these problems and his inconsistent play and his fastball's inexplicable desire to stay in the top half of the strike zone, the Chicago Cubs have signed Marquis to a three year contract valued at over twenty million dollars total. Many people are baffled, and the Cubs management has been cryptic in their response.
Reached for comment, manager Tony LaRussa mentioned, "Well, there is a sucker born every minute. I don't know what kind of medication they have Hendry on up there," referring to the recovering general manager, who had undergone some medical procedures lately, "but this is not what I would consider to be a smart business move. And believe me I know smart when I see it. I went to law school, you know. I am smart and I know smart when I see it. They don't call me the Supergenius Manager of the Century for nothing." When asked who specifically called him the 'Supergenius Manager of the Century', LaRussa remarked, "My laborador. His name is Steve."
Rumors coming out of Chicago have suggested that Hendry wanted to sign Marquis as a gag gift for new manager Lou Pinella. It turned out that Marquis was not in on the joke and signed a real contract. Pinella, reacting to the news of the joke contract, noted, "Well that IS pretty darn funny. Marquis! Whew, what a good one! That guy has some mental problems, and frankly he can unload his baggage somewhere else." It was then explained to Pinella that the contract turned out to be real, to which he replied, "This is a black day for baseball."
The Marquis scandal has rocked the Cubs media world, which was already struggling to understand why management would ever sign someone like Ted Lilly, a career losing pitcher with a mediocre earned run average to a lengthy contract for eight figures per season, and why a clubhouse pain in the rhumpus like Alfonso Soriano would be signed to one of the largest contracts in baseball history. In response to these rumors, Jim Hendry replied, "Aliens are coming to take over this planet, and I am going to be the ambassador to Jupiter. This I think is all the explanation you should need, and my reasons should be apparent. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a conference call with the aliens in five minutes. And I need to put on this lipstick and these women's clothes."
Despite all of the criticism, Marquis has remained steadfast in his position that this contract was not a frivilous waste of money entered into at the behest of a madman. Jason, when asked what he thought of the deal, explained, "Bwaaahahahahahahahaha!" Asked to elaborate, wiping some tears from his eyes, he continued, "Hahahahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahaha!"
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Showing posts with label cardinals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cardinals. Show all posts
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Voodoo spell broken, Ankiel finally released
Stunning news came from the St. Louis Cardinals front office earlier today when it was announced that former rookie sensation Rick Ankiel was finally released from the organization. After a phenomenal 2000 rookie campaign, where he was near the top of the league in strikeouts, Ankiel struggled mightily in the playoffs, airmailing five pitches in one inning to the backstop. This performance has often been rumored as the foundation for manager Tony LaRussa's distrust of rookies in critical situations and his hesitation to use them in anything but an emergency. After attempting a couple comebacks as a pitcher, Rick decided in spring training of 2005 that he would remake himself as an outfielder, and the team continued to inexplicably stick with him. Only now, more than six years since his postseason implosion, has the front office finally cut ties with this hack former star. The move has been blamed on one thing: the breaking of a voodoo curse.
During the 2001 season, Ankiel could often be seen in the stands, basking in the glory of his hair gel and tanning booth lines from the box seats. After his offseason procedures, to both his body and his head, rumors were circulating that Rick might be sent packing. The forty man roster only held forty people, and was typically reserved for baseball players and not mental cases. Certain exceptions have been made in the past, but Ankiel was seemingly too risky to keep on the team. Those rumors caused the once-promising prospect to turn to the voodoo ways.
"I used to read the Riverfront Times while in St. Louis. Those back pages are bananas! Well, anyway, I saw some voodoo advertisements that promised to cast a spell on just about anything that I wanted. So I gave the guy a call and he hooked me up. Just a few hundred dollars later, and 'boom', I am on the forty man roster for a few more years." Rick declined to mention which voodoo person he went to see, only stating that he was completely satisfied with the voodoo magic. "As I understand it, voodoo is some kind of religion and not just a funny joke. I also heard that witchcraft is a religion but that they call it wiccan? Is that really true? This is all so strange. I expected to have to bring some eye of newt or something like that, but just eight hundred dollars cash was all he needed."
Team owner Bill DeWitt had little explanation, noting, "Well the last thing I remember about the Ankiel business was calling Walt [Jocketty] to tell him to get that bum off of the forty man roster. Then suddenly, well... I don't really remember what happened. I was completely oblivious to the whole Ankiel issue. Then he stayed on the roster and kept pulling in money. I heard that the voodoo guy died or something and then someone told me what had happened. So we cut his ass loose like we should have years ago. Now we can go about conducting our business sensibly and getting our starting pitching in line. I have looked at the pitchers available and our finances, and I believe we should actively pursue Jeff Fassero and waste no time doing so."
Reached for comment, Fassero noted, "Ankiel called me and recommended voodoo to me. We spent some time bonding on the bench back in the earlier part of this decade. Let me tell you, I love that kid."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
During the 2001 season, Ankiel could often be seen in the stands, basking in the glory of his hair gel and tanning booth lines from the box seats. After his offseason procedures, to both his body and his head, rumors were circulating that Rick might be sent packing. The forty man roster only held forty people, and was typically reserved for baseball players and not mental cases. Certain exceptions have been made in the past, but Ankiel was seemingly too risky to keep on the team. Those rumors caused the once-promising prospect to turn to the voodoo ways.
"I used to read the Riverfront Times while in St. Louis. Those back pages are bananas! Well, anyway, I saw some voodoo advertisements that promised to cast a spell on just about anything that I wanted. So I gave the guy a call and he hooked me up. Just a few hundred dollars later, and 'boom', I am on the forty man roster for a few more years." Rick declined to mention which voodoo person he went to see, only stating that he was completely satisfied with the voodoo magic. "As I understand it, voodoo is some kind of religion and not just a funny joke. I also heard that witchcraft is a religion but that they call it wiccan? Is that really true? This is all so strange. I expected to have to bring some eye of newt or something like that, but just eight hundred dollars cash was all he needed."
Team owner Bill DeWitt had little explanation, noting, "Well the last thing I remember about the Ankiel business was calling Walt [Jocketty] to tell him to get that bum off of the forty man roster. Then suddenly, well... I don't really remember what happened. I was completely oblivious to the whole Ankiel issue. Then he stayed on the roster and kept pulling in money. I heard that the voodoo guy died or something and then someone told me what had happened. So we cut his ass loose like we should have years ago. Now we can go about conducting our business sensibly and getting our starting pitching in line. I have looked at the pitchers available and our finances, and I believe we should actively pursue Jeff Fassero and waste no time doing so."
Reached for comment, Fassero noted, "Ankiel called me and recommended voodoo to me. We spent some time bonding on the bench back in the earlier part of this decade. Let me tell you, I love that kid."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Thursday, December 7, 2006
Anti-Bonds riots leave ten dead, dozens missing, hundreds injured
News from the Major League Baseball winter meetings that Saint Louis Cardinals skipper Tony LaRussa requested a sit-down with 'roid-master Barry Bonds has been met with some hostility in St. Louis. Our fair city has seen its fair share of violence, but today people from all walks of life have been rioting in response to the remote possibility that Bonds could join the World Champion Cardinals. From downtown to Creve Coeur, regular citizens have been voicing their anger in the largest riots this country has seen since the Rodney King beating verdicts were released. Even in the wake of news that Bonds will be returning to San Francisco, some members of the area rioting community are dissatisfied and will continue their looting, pillaging and mayhem until their ire is seethed completely.
Mayor Francis Slay, reached for comment, noted, "I was hit on the head with a beer bottle on the way into work today. I know what you are thinking, and no, it was not Dominique Byrd. His ass is in custody. It was some white guy in a suit who had just helped a roving mob flip over a car and set it on fire." Noticably shaken, the mayor continued, "I have never seen such reckelessness, unless of course you count the spending by the public school board, but I digress. This wodespread panic and disorder must be contained. I only wish that I controlled the police, but that is in the governor's hands. See, the antiquated laws from the civil war era put the city police under the control of the governor, so I am essentially impotent here. Maybe that was not the best word... let's say powerless. I don't want to give the wrong idea, if you know what I mean. I am all man."
Team president Mark Lamping has begged the populace to cease its anarchist activities, particularly noting, "This behavior is not something the smartest baseball fans in the country would do. Smart baseball fans would realize that we would never sign Bonds and that the whole LaRussa story was fabricated. Please stop burning and looting. Especially at the Cardinals team store. No more looting there, please! That comes out of my paycheck!"
The San Francisco Giants decided to reclaim the clubhouse cancer that is Barry Bonds with a sixteen million dollar contract for one season, making him wildly overpaid, but not as overpaid as the rest of the idiots getting signed this offseason. As the news of this resigning spread, the violence decreased in the metro area, and only the most zealous and hardcore Cardinal fans and rioters continued their pillaging tirade. Said one criminal, "I have been watching Cardinal baseball all of my life. We had to put up with Tino Martinez, and then they got us Juan Encarnacion. Those were bad moves I could deal with at the time, but to even consider Bonds is so insulting that I have to flip over cars and set them on fire. I am just so mad."
Nancy Pelosi, a congresswoman from San Francisco, added, "I am so happy to see Barry back in my fruity little town. He is so great for the city. I swear, if I was a man, I would marry him in a heartbeat. Barry represents real 'Frisco family values and down-to-earth social responsibility. His attitude and demeanor really play well in my town and we are so lucky to have him. We are all richer for his presence and hopefully he will continue to show us the exceptional character that I have come to appreciate."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Mayor Francis Slay, reached for comment, noted, "I was hit on the head with a beer bottle on the way into work today. I know what you are thinking, and no, it was not Dominique Byrd. His ass is in custody. It was some white guy in a suit who had just helped a roving mob flip over a car and set it on fire." Noticably shaken, the mayor continued, "I have never seen such reckelessness, unless of course you count the spending by the public school board, but I digress. This wodespread panic and disorder must be contained. I only wish that I controlled the police, but that is in the governor's hands. See, the antiquated laws from the civil war era put the city police under the control of the governor, so I am essentially impotent here. Maybe that was not the best word... let's say powerless. I don't want to give the wrong idea, if you know what I mean. I am all man."
Team president Mark Lamping has begged the populace to cease its anarchist activities, particularly noting, "This behavior is not something the smartest baseball fans in the country would do. Smart baseball fans would realize that we would never sign Bonds and that the whole LaRussa story was fabricated. Please stop burning and looting. Especially at the Cardinals team store. No more looting there, please! That comes out of my paycheck!"
The San Francisco Giants decided to reclaim the clubhouse cancer that is Barry Bonds with a sixteen million dollar contract for one season, making him wildly overpaid, but not as overpaid as the rest of the idiots getting signed this offseason. As the news of this resigning spread, the violence decreased in the metro area, and only the most zealous and hardcore Cardinal fans and rioters continued their pillaging tirade. Said one criminal, "I have been watching Cardinal baseball all of my life. We had to put up with Tino Martinez, and then they got us Juan Encarnacion. Those were bad moves I could deal with at the time, but to even consider Bonds is so insulting that I have to flip over cars and set them on fire. I am just so mad."
Nancy Pelosi, a congresswoman from San Francisco, added, "I am so happy to see Barry back in my fruity little town. He is so great for the city. I swear, if I was a man, I would marry him in a heartbeat. Barry represents real 'Frisco family values and down-to-earth social responsibility. His attitude and demeanor really play well in my town and we are so lucky to have him. We are all richer for his presence and hopefully he will continue to show us the exceptional character that I have come to appreciate."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Molina: I like C-Section scars
Stlsports recently caught up with the Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina for an interview. Molina has been busy with interviews, appearances, autograph sessions and his winter training. Even with all of that hustle and bustle he has been able to find time to lead an active social life. One of the few true bachelors on the team, Yadi, as he is affectionately called by the fans and his teammates, has been seen at local social establishments around town with some of the finer ladies the Midwest has to offer. In spite of this busy professional and social schedule, Molina found the time to share his thoughts with Stlsports and you, the readers.
Stlsports: Thanks for joining us for this interview - I know you are really busy.
Molina: Hey, anything for the fans, man!
Stlsports: Yadi, you're considered a little bit of a ladies man and you like to have a good time, am I right?
Molina: Yeah, I guess so.
Stlsports: So, what do you think about Britney Spears' latest gaffe, particularly those crazy photos taken of her nether-regions while out clubbing with Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton?
Molina: What are you talking about, guy?
Stlsports: About Britney and her crazy party lifestyle.
Molina: Don't you want to talk about the World Series?
Stlsports: That's old news, my man. You are the hip, young, partying member of the team, so I want to ask you about hip social issues.
Molina: I don't know nuthin about Britney Spears.
Stlsports: Well she was seen out on the town with no underpants on, and some photographers got pictures to prove it! How about that? Can you relate to this? What do you think?
Molina: I think that's nasty, man. Didn't she have some kids or something like that? Why are we talking about this crap?
Stlsports: Okay, let me be straight with you, Yadier. People are sick of sports news. The Blues stink and the Rams stink. The Redbird stuff has been done over and over and over again. They care about Madonna's adoption of some kid from Africa, Tom Cruise's crazy spaceship wedding, Kramer swearing at minorities, and Britney Spears' naked cooch. I am trying to get some increased readership here and you are cock-blocking me.
Molina: Sorry, man, but I thought you wanted to talk about sports. You called me up and said this would be a World Series-related interview.
Stlsports: I just need to sell some damned subscriptions and I could use some cooperation.
Molina: Subscriptions? Isn't your [fake] sports news blog free?
Stlsports: You are aggrivating me! Who's doing the interview here?
Molina: Okay. Don't get so worked up. We can talk about whatever you want.
Stlsports: Even Britney Spears' skanky photos?
Molina: I haven't seen them, so I don't know.
Stlsports: It is pretty gross. It's kind of shaved, and a little flabby. Oh, and you can see the c-section scar.
Molina: That's nasty. Let's talk about something else.
Stlsports: Honestly, I didn't even really prepare for this interview except to bring a copy of US Weekly with me.
Molina: So, can I just go?
Stlsports: Sure, I am going to make up most of the interview, anyway.
Molina: Uh, can I read it before you publish it?
Stlsports: Yeah. I am going to have to get a little creative with the title. You need snappy titles to get people's attention.
Molina: Like what do you have in mind?
Stlsports: How about "Molina: I like C-Section scars".
Molina: I don't like that. No way. Not only is that untrue, and a little nasty, but it is going to totally mess up some of my dates if that gets used.
Stlsports: Fine, I won't use it. What about "Molina admits he was present at TomKat's wedding".
Molina: But I wasn't there.
Stlsports: It doesn't matter. If not that one, I could try "Yadi / Madonna tryst ends in brawl with K-Fed".
Molina: That doesn't even make sense to me. How about "Yadier beats up smartassed reporter for pissing him off."
Stlsports: I think I see what you mean. Well, fine I guess I will just have to call Jim Edmonds or someone else to get an interview.
Molina: I guess so, man. He listens to Britney Spears, so go ahead and call him. Just don't ever call me again.
Stlsports: You got it, buddy. Thanks for the interview.
Molina: Remember - never call me again.
Stlsports: I got it.
Molina: Never.
[This story is a satire of public figures. Obviously this interview never happened.]
Stlsports: Thanks for joining us for this interview - I know you are really busy.
Molina: Hey, anything for the fans, man!
Stlsports: Yadi, you're considered a little bit of a ladies man and you like to have a good time, am I right?
Molina: Yeah, I guess so.
Stlsports: So, what do you think about Britney Spears' latest gaffe, particularly those crazy photos taken of her nether-regions while out clubbing with Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton?
Molina: What are you talking about, guy?
Stlsports: About Britney and her crazy party lifestyle.
Molina: Don't you want to talk about the World Series?
Stlsports: That's old news, my man. You are the hip, young, partying member of the team, so I want to ask you about hip social issues.
Molina: I don't know nuthin about Britney Spears.
Stlsports: Well she was seen out on the town with no underpants on, and some photographers got pictures to prove it! How about that? Can you relate to this? What do you think?
Molina: I think that's nasty, man. Didn't she have some kids or something like that? Why are we talking about this crap?
Stlsports: Okay, let me be straight with you, Yadier. People are sick of sports news. The Blues stink and the Rams stink. The Redbird stuff has been done over and over and over again. They care about Madonna's adoption of some kid from Africa, Tom Cruise's crazy spaceship wedding, Kramer swearing at minorities, and Britney Spears' naked cooch. I am trying to get some increased readership here and you are cock-blocking me.
Molina: Sorry, man, but I thought you wanted to talk about sports. You called me up and said this would be a World Series-related interview.
Stlsports: I just need to sell some damned subscriptions and I could use some cooperation.
Molina: Subscriptions? Isn't your [fake] sports news blog free?
Stlsports: You are aggrivating me! Who's doing the interview here?
Molina: Okay. Don't get so worked up. We can talk about whatever you want.
Stlsports: Even Britney Spears' skanky photos?
Molina: I haven't seen them, so I don't know.
Stlsports: It is pretty gross. It's kind of shaved, and a little flabby. Oh, and you can see the c-section scar.
Molina: That's nasty. Let's talk about something else.
Stlsports: Honestly, I didn't even really prepare for this interview except to bring a copy of US Weekly with me.
Molina: So, can I just go?
Stlsports: Sure, I am going to make up most of the interview, anyway.
Molina: Uh, can I read it before you publish it?
Stlsports: Yeah. I am going to have to get a little creative with the title. You need snappy titles to get people's attention.
Molina: Like what do you have in mind?
Stlsports: How about "Molina: I like C-Section scars".
Molina: I don't like that. No way. Not only is that untrue, and a little nasty, but it is going to totally mess up some of my dates if that gets used.
Stlsports: Fine, I won't use it. What about "Molina admits he was present at TomKat's wedding".
Molina: But I wasn't there.
Stlsports: It doesn't matter. If not that one, I could try "Yadi / Madonna tryst ends in brawl with K-Fed".
Molina: That doesn't even make sense to me. How about "Yadier beats up smartassed reporter for pissing him off."
Stlsports: I think I see what you mean. Well, fine I guess I will just have to call Jim Edmonds or someone else to get an interview.
Molina: I guess so, man. He listens to Britney Spears, so go ahead and call him. Just don't ever call me again.
Stlsports: You got it, buddy. Thanks for the interview.
Molina: Remember - never call me again.
Stlsports: I got it.
Molina: Never.
[This story is a satire of public figures. Obviously this interview never happened.]
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Interview: McGwire optomistic about HOF vote
Mark McGwire, the man who saved Major League Baseball while wearing a St. Louis Cardinal uniform, is on the ballot for voting retired players into the professional Hall of Fame this year. In exchange for his accomplishments, the national media and short-memoried fans have completely villified him with no evidence but that which their eyes can observe. A recent survey of twenty percent of voters for the HOF showed that he was well short of the votes needed to get the honor. Still, in spite of these criticims, McGwire remains optomistic.
Stlsports caught up with Mark on the golf course near his home in California, where he was hitting the hell out of the ball with each successive swing. When asked how he could explain such an incredible mass increase over a short period of time, he noted, "Who are you going to believe? Me or your lying eyes? Trust me, I am no cheater. I played the game honestly with honest, legal supplements. Now please leave me alone so that I may golf with Chris Pronger in peace."
Reports have been circulating that Jose Canseco plans to publish another tell-all book, timed to no doubt coincide with the Hall of Fame vote. Oddly enough, a second tell-all book by the same person on the same subject might tend to indicate that the first book was not really a tell-all but a tell-some. Reached for comment, Canseco noted, "Let's just say, a syringe full of drugs isn't the only thing I stuck in Mark's butt in a bathroom stall at the stadium. If you get my drift." Canseco then made the winky-winky elbow motion, incidating that perhaps he had a double entendre in that previous phrase. Jose continued, "I don't think Mark should get into the Hall. Not because he cheated, God bless him for that. I think that his off the field activities should ban him from the Hall. I think you know what I am getting at." He then made an imaginary butt-slapping gesture directly in front of him and started to sweet talk into the air. "That sort of funny business has no place in the Baseball Hall of Fame, if you ask me. No way. Please buy my book."
Confused, Stlsports decided to take this information straight to McGwire for comment. Upon hearing the narrative of the Canseco interview, and after Stlsports aped the pantomime performed by Jose during said same interview, Mark became visibly upset. He noted, "Why did you come over here to tell me this? All lies! Why does he lie?! You should not make me angry! You would not like me when I am angry!" Worried, McGwire then added, "Must get blood pressure down. Don't trigger it. Butterflies, rainbows, kitty cats, puppies, applesauce, sunflowers. Ahhhh. [Long awkward contemplative pause.] Now, let's not talk anymore about Mr. Canseco. That's all in the past, and I don't want to talk about it. Let's all be calm and not make me angry anymore."
After slowly backing away from the second McGwire interview, Stlsports took the issue to avid baseball fan and tireless Saint Louis sports promoter, Mayor Francis Slay, who noted that the entire issue has left him "now only more confused." Slay continued, "Sure, he saved baseball, and sure no one seemed to care that he was probably cheating until that Congressional hearing, but in the end he spent a bunch of time in a bathroom stall (allegedly!) with Jose Canseco with his pants at least partially pulled down. How in great goodness can that person be elected into the Hall of Fame? I can't answer that better than anyone else. That's why they get voted in, just like here in the City. Of course in the HOF vote, the voters are all alive and entitled to vote. None of that funny stuff we pull here in the Lou works in the Hall vote. Whoops, I've said too much. I'll be needing that tape recorder and your notebooks, please, you unscrupulous, lying sports reporters."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Stlsports caught up with Mark on the golf course near his home in California, where he was hitting the hell out of the ball with each successive swing. When asked how he could explain such an incredible mass increase over a short period of time, he noted, "Who are you going to believe? Me or your lying eyes? Trust me, I am no cheater. I played the game honestly with honest, legal supplements. Now please leave me alone so that I may golf with Chris Pronger in peace."
Reports have been circulating that Jose Canseco plans to publish another tell-all book, timed to no doubt coincide with the Hall of Fame vote. Oddly enough, a second tell-all book by the same person on the same subject might tend to indicate that the first book was not really a tell-all but a tell-some. Reached for comment, Canseco noted, "Let's just say, a syringe full of drugs isn't the only thing I stuck in Mark's butt in a bathroom stall at the stadium. If you get my drift." Canseco then made the winky-winky elbow motion, incidating that perhaps he had a double entendre in that previous phrase. Jose continued, "I don't think Mark should get into the Hall. Not because he cheated, God bless him for that. I think that his off the field activities should ban him from the Hall. I think you know what I am getting at." He then made an imaginary butt-slapping gesture directly in front of him and started to sweet talk into the air. "That sort of funny business has no place in the Baseball Hall of Fame, if you ask me. No way. Please buy my book."
Confused, Stlsports decided to take this information straight to McGwire for comment. Upon hearing the narrative of the Canseco interview, and after Stlsports aped the pantomime performed by Jose during said same interview, Mark became visibly upset. He noted, "Why did you come over here to tell me this? All lies! Why does he lie?! You should not make me angry! You would not like me when I am angry!" Worried, McGwire then added, "Must get blood pressure down. Don't trigger it. Butterflies, rainbows, kitty cats, puppies, applesauce, sunflowers. Ahhhh. [Long awkward contemplative pause.] Now, let's not talk anymore about Mr. Canseco. That's all in the past, and I don't want to talk about it. Let's all be calm and not make me angry anymore."
After slowly backing away from the second McGwire interview, Stlsports took the issue to avid baseball fan and tireless Saint Louis sports promoter, Mayor Francis Slay, who noted that the entire issue has left him "now only more confused." Slay continued, "Sure, he saved baseball, and sure no one seemed to care that he was probably cheating until that Congressional hearing, but in the end he spent a bunch of time in a bathroom stall (allegedly!) with Jose Canseco with his pants at least partially pulled down. How in great goodness can that person be elected into the Hall of Fame? I can't answer that better than anyone else. That's why they get voted in, just like here in the City. Of course in the HOF vote, the voters are all alive and entitled to vote. None of that funny stuff we pull here in the Lou works in the Hall vote. Whoops, I've said too much. I'll be needing that tape recorder and your notebooks, please, you unscrupulous, lying sports reporters."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Cardinals' end of year party 'gag awards' ceremony draws some complaints
The Cardinals concluded their official end of season festivities a few days ago with the premier of the officially licensed DVD at Powell Symphony Hall. It was a fun event for fans and players, and everyone seemed to have a good time. After the event, the players and their families gathered at a local restaurant for a catered, casual event to cap of a magical season. Adam Wainright emceed the event, and a series of gag awards were given out to razz some of the players. A few of those awards and the associated recipients, however, feel that a few of the gag awards went a little too far, and some people reported being uncomfortable.
The ceremony started off innocently enough. Mark Mulder won the award for 'Worst Gas' and everyone seemed to think that was really funny, especially his road room mate and the people with adjacent lockers. Jason Marquis won the 'Too Much Cologne' prize, and the trophy was an empty bottle of Brut. David Eckstein won 'Most Hair Lost' for the season, John Rodruigez won 'Stinkiest Socks' and Tyler Johnson won 'Most Likely to be Traded to the Cubs'. Things were going well until a few of the veterans did not enjoy their gag gifts nearly as much.
Jim Edmonds, reached for comment, noted, "I don't know what the criteria was for these prizes or who exactly decided to give them out. I was not happy with mine at all. 'Most Likely to Pick a Fight with a Person in a Wheelchair'? That's not an award, that's libel!" So Taguchi had similar reservations with his prize, having won 'Worst Ass Hair'. He replied to questions on the award, adding, "This is something that brings me much shame. My family did not need to hear the team mock my abundant nether-region hair growth. My reputation as a clubhouse leader is shattered."
Team owner Bill DeWitt, who only learned of the fact that he won "Bony Old Man of the Year" at the ceremony during this interview, noted, "I can't say I'm happy about how this awards thing turned out. I was out of town lobbying Congress for funds to help my poor and impoverished team, and only heard about this recently. Swift action must be taken. I put Lamping on it, and he usually gets me results." Mark Lamping, in response to the assignment, stated that swift action would in fact be taken. "I will not sit idly by while players like Scott Rolen, who won for Biggest Hoosier, get made fun of. What really stinks for Rolen is that 'hoosier' in St. Louis does not mean an Indiana native. It means a complete, well, you know, hoosier. Not so flattering, but he didn't even get upset."
Jeff Suppan, who won two awards, one for 'Worst Acting in a Political Ad" and another for "MILFiest Wife", was also a little upset. "Okay, so the stem cell ad thing I might have deserved. I believed in it, and I did something about it, so gimme a break. But on that other award, now that I know at least a few of these guys are leering at my wife makes me a little uncomfortable. This entire thing has been a fiasco. They won't treat me like that on the Dodgers, no sir. And if they do, it's not something a cool twelve mill' a year can't fix."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
The ceremony started off innocently enough. Mark Mulder won the award for 'Worst Gas' and everyone seemed to think that was really funny, especially his road room mate and the people with adjacent lockers. Jason Marquis won the 'Too Much Cologne' prize, and the trophy was an empty bottle of Brut. David Eckstein won 'Most Hair Lost' for the season, John Rodruigez won 'Stinkiest Socks' and Tyler Johnson won 'Most Likely to be Traded to the Cubs'. Things were going well until a few of the veterans did not enjoy their gag gifts nearly as much.
Jim Edmonds, reached for comment, noted, "I don't know what the criteria was for these prizes or who exactly decided to give them out. I was not happy with mine at all. 'Most Likely to Pick a Fight with a Person in a Wheelchair'? That's not an award, that's libel!" So Taguchi had similar reservations with his prize, having won 'Worst Ass Hair'. He replied to questions on the award, adding, "This is something that brings me much shame. My family did not need to hear the team mock my abundant nether-region hair growth. My reputation as a clubhouse leader is shattered."
Team owner Bill DeWitt, who only learned of the fact that he won "Bony Old Man of the Year" at the ceremony during this interview, noted, "I can't say I'm happy about how this awards thing turned out. I was out of town lobbying Congress for funds to help my poor and impoverished team, and only heard about this recently. Swift action must be taken. I put Lamping on it, and he usually gets me results." Mark Lamping, in response to the assignment, stated that swift action would in fact be taken. "I will not sit idly by while players like Scott Rolen, who won for Biggest Hoosier, get made fun of. What really stinks for Rolen is that 'hoosier' in St. Louis does not mean an Indiana native. It means a complete, well, you know, hoosier. Not so flattering, but he didn't even get upset."
Jeff Suppan, who won two awards, one for 'Worst Acting in a Political Ad" and another for "MILFiest Wife", was also a little upset. "Okay, so the stem cell ad thing I might have deserved. I believed in it, and I did something about it, so gimme a break. But on that other award, now that I know at least a few of these guys are leering at my wife makes me a little uncomfortable. This entire thing has been a fiasco. They won't treat me like that on the Dodgers, no sir. And if they do, it's not something a cool twelve mill' a year can't fix."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Monday, November 13, 2006
$25 gift card to Cardinals team store a shitty present
As the holiday season approaches, some people are thinking about what to get their loved ones or liked acquaintences for Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa or whatever people do around Christmas-time in Asia. Gift cards are excellent options. It's like giving money, only much more restrictive and requiring a trip to the store. Nothing says, "I don't know you well enough to know what to give you" like a plastic fake credit card to only one store. And the St. Louis Cardinals hope that many people out there follow the national trend of buying gift cards for the holidays, something that has been happening more often each and every year for the past ten years.
Said team chairman Bill DeWitt, "I used to get my nephews and nieces twenty five dollar gift cards to the music store in the mall for the holidays. But they would complain that it would only buy them one compact disc. What an incredible ripoff! Those magnificent bastards!" DeWitt, lost in sinister thought, began to gaze gleefully off into space. He was returned to the interview with a couple of stiff nudges, and then continued, "So I realized that we could do the same thing. Sell the gift cards in round number denominations that are a few bucks more than the prices of our best selling items. We used the mall music store model to increase revenue. Things have been a little tight around here lately, and it's time to trim the fat and look for some extra change here and there."
Asked to elaborate on this 'plan', DeWitt deferred us to team president Mark Lamping, who was busy washing DeWitt's car. Lamping, between waxing on and off, commented, "So an official t-shirt sells for $21 after tax. We sell gift cards typically for $25. This leaves change on the card that we already got paid when the first guy bought the card. Who is going to carry around a card with a couple bucks on it? So they either pitch it or buy more crap with their own cash. Really, that man is a genius. Oops, back to work! He is watching me from his window up there!"
Stlsports decided to investigate further. Upon arriving at the Cardinals Gift Shop, a $10 Hanes hooded sweatshirt was selling for $50 dollars. "The real value", according to the clerk, was in the "iron-on World Series logo", that cost a few cents to produce en masse. "It's a genuine, officially licensed sweatshirt," he boasted. And, added the clerk, "the sweatshirts were bought in bulk from Malaysia", and thus actually only cost about $4 each. "God Bless America", he added. Gift cards were being sold at denominations of $10, $25, $50 and $100. Most items cost a few dollars less than those denominations, the store having fully implemented the ingenious revenue-generating scheme of Cardinals management.
Forced to succumb to the marketing and pressure, Stlsports was cornered into buying a $25 card for Mrs. Stlsports for Christmas. After all, she has had her eye on that $18 baseball cap and has been yearning for a reason to drive into downtown St. Louis to go to a store conveniently located in the stadium. She will love it!
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Said team chairman Bill DeWitt, "I used to get my nephews and nieces twenty five dollar gift cards to the music store in the mall for the holidays. But they would complain that it would only buy them one compact disc. What an incredible ripoff! Those magnificent bastards!" DeWitt, lost in sinister thought, began to gaze gleefully off into space. He was returned to the interview with a couple of stiff nudges, and then continued, "So I realized that we could do the same thing. Sell the gift cards in round number denominations that are a few bucks more than the prices of our best selling items. We used the mall music store model to increase revenue. Things have been a little tight around here lately, and it's time to trim the fat and look for some extra change here and there."
Asked to elaborate on this 'plan', DeWitt deferred us to team president Mark Lamping, who was busy washing DeWitt's car. Lamping, between waxing on and off, commented, "So an official t-shirt sells for $21 after tax. We sell gift cards typically for $25. This leaves change on the card that we already got paid when the first guy bought the card. Who is going to carry around a card with a couple bucks on it? So they either pitch it or buy more crap with their own cash. Really, that man is a genius. Oops, back to work! He is watching me from his window up there!"
Stlsports decided to investigate further. Upon arriving at the Cardinals Gift Shop, a $10 Hanes hooded sweatshirt was selling for $50 dollars. "The real value", according to the clerk, was in the "iron-on World Series logo", that cost a few cents to produce en masse. "It's a genuine, officially licensed sweatshirt," he boasted. And, added the clerk, "the sweatshirts were bought in bulk from Malaysia", and thus actually only cost about $4 each. "God Bless America", he added. Gift cards were being sold at denominations of $10, $25, $50 and $100. Most items cost a few dollars less than those denominations, the store having fully implemented the ingenious revenue-generating scheme of Cardinals management.
Forced to succumb to the marketing and pressure, Stlsports was cornered into buying a $25 card for Mrs. Stlsports for Christmas. After all, she has had her eye on that $18 baseball cap and has been yearning for a reason to drive into downtown St. Louis to go to a store conveniently located in the stadium. She will love it!
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Friday, November 10, 2006
McCaskill: The Royals need your tax dollars!
Newly-elected Missouri senator Claire McCaskill managed to win the seat of outgoing senator Jim Talent in a close election. With McCaskill taking office, a change in policy at the federal level is anticipated, and the issues being fought for on behalf of Missouri might change as well. Some political commentators have speculated that she might use her influence to bring some much-needed tax relief to impoverished, hurting and financially-unviable groups, such as her favorite baseball team, the Kansas City Royals.
Just as John Ashcroft diverted tax revenue to the St. Louis Cardinals and as Bill Clinton portioned off budgeted federal money for Klan softball teams (allegedly), McCaskill has plans for the federal government to divert your funds to Kaufmann Stadium, the home of her beloved Royals. "I was getting used to spending only Missouri's money on Missouri's problems, but now that I am in Washington, I can spend everybody's money on Missouri's problems!", elated McCaskill. The freshman senator continued, "It is amazing! All of this free money to spend! There's so much of it, we can just spend it all. And, you know what? When we run out, we just print some more! Is this a great country, or what?"
When asked how she plans to carry out this act, she noted, "I can just get Kaufmann declared a disaster area. I mean, in the figurative sense, I guess it is a disaster what is happening there to my cherished Royals. But is it really a disaster? No, but as a former auditor, I think I can write up a budget proposal that can get approved. Give me some credit, here."
In a parallel story, Illinois' re-elected governor Rod "Perfect Hair" Blagjoyevitchs (sp?) has petitioned both the federal government and the state legislature for money to buy the sorry-assed Cubbies from the stingy owners of the Wrigley/Tribune family of incompetence. "Only a buffoon would sign Kerry Wood to an extension," opined Rod. He added ,"And I would ask that money be spent on more prudent options, like proven stars. Where is Barry Bonds? How about Jose Lima? Kent Bottenfield? Chuck Finley? Milton Bradley? I want proven winners on that team, and with your help, Illinois, I can do it. We can change things for the better."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
[Okay, so maybe Clinton didn't use part of the federal budget on Klan softball. On the upside, getting on the FBI flagged blog list just adds readership.]
Just as John Ashcroft diverted tax revenue to the St. Louis Cardinals and as Bill Clinton portioned off budgeted federal money for Klan softball teams (allegedly), McCaskill has plans for the federal government to divert your funds to Kaufmann Stadium, the home of her beloved Royals. "I was getting used to spending only Missouri's money on Missouri's problems, but now that I am in Washington, I can spend everybody's money on Missouri's problems!", elated McCaskill. The freshman senator continued, "It is amazing! All of this free money to spend! There's so much of it, we can just spend it all. And, you know what? When we run out, we just print some more! Is this a great country, or what?"
When asked how she plans to carry out this act, she noted, "I can just get Kaufmann declared a disaster area. I mean, in the figurative sense, I guess it is a disaster what is happening there to my cherished Royals. But is it really a disaster? No, but as a former auditor, I think I can write up a budget proposal that can get approved. Give me some credit, here."
In a parallel story, Illinois' re-elected governor Rod "Perfect Hair" Blagjoyevitchs (sp?) has petitioned both the federal government and the state legislature for money to buy the sorry-assed Cubbies from the stingy owners of the Wrigley/Tribune family of incompetence. "Only a buffoon would sign Kerry Wood to an extension," opined Rod. He added ,"And I would ask that money be spent on more prudent options, like proven stars. Where is Barry Bonds? How about Jose Lima? Kent Bottenfield? Chuck Finley? Milton Bradley? I want proven winners on that team, and with your help, Illinois, I can do it. We can change things for the better."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
[Okay, so maybe Clinton didn't use part of the federal budget on Klan softball. On the upside, getting on the FBI flagged blog list just adds readership.]
Thursday, November 9, 2006
Suppan: I support cloning 'hot-assed bitches'
During the heated mid-term election here in Missouri, several constitutional amendments were on the ballot. One raised the minimum wage, while another would have raised taxes on tobacco to near national levels (the sticks are cheap-o here in MO!). One issue that got the most attention was the ballot measure known as Amendment 2, which would legalize all forms of stem cell research allowed by federal law. Many celebrities and noted civic leaders assured us that the measure banned cloning, at the same time urging us not to read it, but simply to vote as they tell us. Several others, opponents of the measure, claimed that a cursory reading of the measure showed that it did in fact allow cloning. [Why is this in a satire sports blog? Keep reading ...]
The amendment passed, but not without a fight from some notable sports figures, including Mike Sweeny of the KC Royals, Kurt Warner of the AZ Gridbirds, and David Eckstein and Jeff Suppan of the World Series Champion Cardinals. These uber-powerful sports figures, along with that wife from Everybody Loves Raymond and the guy who played Jesus in the movies, made it known that they were opposed to cloning and to the amendment, including Suppan, who appeared in an advertisement during the World Series game he pitched. Jeff, known amongst his teammates as sensible, intelligent and well-spoken, made some enemies in the clubhouse and in the fan base. Regardless, he has caged his words of late, noting that, if push came to shove, he would support the cloning of "hot-assed bitches."
Asked to elaborate on his comments, Suppan noted, "Well that stuff is going to happen, whether or not it did in Missouri or somewhere else. Why even bother trying to stop it? So while they are at it, why not clone me up some hotties? I could use a cloned Lindsay Lohan all for myself. Man, that sounds good." It was then explained to Suppan that Lohan is a little over half his age, to which he replied, "She's over eighteen, right? Okay, so leave me alone about that."
Other celebrities who spoke out against the measure have since come back towards the middle ground. Eckstein has asked researchers to provide him with a "nacho cloning machine", which was explained to him as not really the purpose of the amendment. Persistant, and perhaps not thinking things through, Eckstein is pouring thousands into nacho cloning technologies. Kevin Sweeney has asked Royals team management to clone him some teammates that can hit, field, pitch, run or just about do anything better than his sorry-assed teammates right now. And Kurt Warner has asked for a cloned assassin to kill his crazy wife. While these requests might seem idiotic and rediculous to us, just think of how crazy computers and blogs and toilets sounded to people just a few decades ago.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
The amendment passed, but not without a fight from some notable sports figures, including Mike Sweeny of the KC Royals, Kurt Warner of the AZ Gridbirds, and David Eckstein and Jeff Suppan of the World Series Champion Cardinals. These uber-powerful sports figures, along with that wife from Everybody Loves Raymond and the guy who played Jesus in the movies, made it known that they were opposed to cloning and to the amendment, including Suppan, who appeared in an advertisement during the World Series game he pitched. Jeff, known amongst his teammates as sensible, intelligent and well-spoken, made some enemies in the clubhouse and in the fan base. Regardless, he has caged his words of late, noting that, if push came to shove, he would support the cloning of "hot-assed bitches."
Asked to elaborate on his comments, Suppan noted, "Well that stuff is going to happen, whether or not it did in Missouri or somewhere else. Why even bother trying to stop it? So while they are at it, why not clone me up some hotties? I could use a cloned Lindsay Lohan all for myself. Man, that sounds good." It was then explained to Suppan that Lohan is a little over half his age, to which he replied, "She's over eighteen, right? Okay, so leave me alone about that."
Other celebrities who spoke out against the measure have since come back towards the middle ground. Eckstein has asked researchers to provide him with a "nacho cloning machine", which was explained to him as not really the purpose of the amendment. Persistant, and perhaps not thinking things through, Eckstein is pouring thousands into nacho cloning technologies. Kevin Sweeney has asked Royals team management to clone him some teammates that can hit, field, pitch, run or just about do anything better than his sorry-assed teammates right now. And Kurt Warner has asked for a cloned assassin to kill his crazy wife. While these requests might seem idiotic and rediculous to us, just think of how crazy computers and blogs and toilets sounded to people just a few decades ago.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Monday, November 6, 2006
"Smooch Your Pooch" an unhygenic suggestion
The St. Louis Cardinals are the World Series champions, and with the title comes a great deal of additional media attention on the players, coaches and management. Sometimes, people in the sports world like to use attention to push an agenda. For example, Kurt Warner took advantage of his Super Bowl win to talk about God and Jesus. Shaquille Oneal talked about his superstar rap status after winning another basketball title. And Wayne Gretzky made crazy statements about the Islamic liberation movement in Chechnya. But now Tony LaRussa has decided to push his own social agenda with the national spotlight squarely on him.
During the World Series parade, instead of wearing something relating to the Cardinals, or perhaps some normal clothes, he decided to put on a black t-shirt with giant a lipstick print on the front. In the midst of the kiss was the slogan 'Smooch Your Pooch', as an encouragement for people to kiss their dogs. LaRussa, an avid animal lover, started the Animal Rescue Fund (or something like that), a charity based in where else but California for the benefit of pets. The shirt has drawn some confusion from fans, including those in the animal care profession.
Reached for comment, a noted veterinarian stated, "Actually you should not be smooching pooches. Or any pet. Really, pets are pretty damned filthy in the mouth. I have heard the euphamism that a dog's mouth is cleaner than a humans, but that must have been stated by someone who eats poop and garbage all day, since that is about how clean a dog's mouth is. Have you ever seen two dogs together? What do they do? They lick each other's butts. Then they sniff around the ground, eat some poop and garbage, and then lick their own privates. No, not very clean at all. LaRussa is an idiot. Instead of smooching your pooch, how about deworming or immunizing your pooch? I know that is not a great slogan, but a lot better than smooching your pooch. What a sicko."
LaRussa commented, in response to the medical professional, "I think I know a little something about dogs. I own fifty. I smooch them all the time. Right before leaving to go to work, I smooch each dog each day. My wife doesn't live here in St. Louis with me, so I smooch my dogs on the way out the door. It gets lonely here in this penthouse. So lonely."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
During the World Series parade, instead of wearing something relating to the Cardinals, or perhaps some normal clothes, he decided to put on a black t-shirt with giant a lipstick print on the front. In the midst of the kiss was the slogan 'Smooch Your Pooch', as an encouragement for people to kiss their dogs. LaRussa, an avid animal lover, started the Animal Rescue Fund (or something like that), a charity based in where else but California for the benefit of pets. The shirt has drawn some confusion from fans, including those in the animal care profession.
Reached for comment, a noted veterinarian stated, "Actually you should not be smooching pooches. Or any pet. Really, pets are pretty damned filthy in the mouth. I have heard the euphamism that a dog's mouth is cleaner than a humans, but that must have been stated by someone who eats poop and garbage all day, since that is about how clean a dog's mouth is. Have you ever seen two dogs together? What do they do? They lick each other's butts. Then they sniff around the ground, eat some poop and garbage, and then lick their own privates. No, not very clean at all. LaRussa is an idiot. Instead of smooching your pooch, how about deworming or immunizing your pooch? I know that is not a great slogan, but a lot better than smooching your pooch. What a sicko."
LaRussa commented, in response to the medical professional, "I think I know a little something about dogs. I own fifty. I smooch them all the time. Right before leaving to go to work, I smooch each dog each day. My wife doesn't live here in St. Louis with me, so I smooch my dogs on the way out the door. It gets lonely here in this penthouse. So lonely."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Wednesday, November 1, 2006
Taguchi: I am natually immune to bird flu
Americans have been worried about the Asian epidemic of bird flu. Not only does this terrible flu kill birds, but it can also kill humans, and hence the worries. Several careless Asian tourists have been suspected of unknowingly carrying the flu into America, where the population is waiting hopelessly with no mass-produced vaccine and with no natural biological immunities or defenses to this plague. Thankfully, the Cardinals have decided to re-sign outfielder So Taguchi.
When he is not busy being booed by Asian baseball fans not from Japan, Taguchi is tirelessly promoting Japan, including its tourism industry and rich culture. When something as ugly as the bird flu pandemic comes into the news, this hurts Taguchi greatly. Luckily, since he is Japanese, and hence Asian, he is natually immune to the bird flu, and thus can be useful in creating a universal vaccine, or at least that's what some Washington University researchers have told us.
Said Taguchi, "Yes, I am very most lucky baseball player, since I am not capable of contracting the bird flu. I have made my special blood donation most available to those scientists so that American baseball fans can participate in the healthy lifestyles of successful Japanese citizens." The secret project, codenamed "Operation Gootch", has been in the works for a couple of years now at the Washington University underground research bunker near the west end of Forest Park. Millions of taxpayer and fundraised dollars have been responsibly and carefully spent on researching this one man's blood.
When his contract expired at the end of this season, the project was put into jeopardy. Citing budget constraints, the Cardinals had planned not to resign the popular player. However, thanks to grants from the Carnegie Foundation and the United Way, So was resigned and can be available in St. Louis for the next couple of seasons. This is good news for fans of disciplined, fundamental fielding, as well as fans of not dying from bird flu.
Thank you, So!
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
When he is not busy being booed by Asian baseball fans not from Japan, Taguchi is tirelessly promoting Japan, including its tourism industry and rich culture. When something as ugly as the bird flu pandemic comes into the news, this hurts Taguchi greatly. Luckily, since he is Japanese, and hence Asian, he is natually immune to the bird flu, and thus can be useful in creating a universal vaccine, or at least that's what some Washington University researchers have told us.
Said Taguchi, "Yes, I am very most lucky baseball player, since I am not capable of contracting the bird flu. I have made my special blood donation most available to those scientists so that American baseball fans can participate in the healthy lifestyles of successful Japanese citizens." The secret project, codenamed "Operation Gootch", has been in the works for a couple of years now at the Washington University underground research bunker near the west end of Forest Park. Millions of taxpayer and fundraised dollars have been responsibly and carefully spent on researching this one man's blood.
When his contract expired at the end of this season, the project was put into jeopardy. Citing budget constraints, the Cardinals had planned not to resign the popular player. However, thanks to grants from the Carnegie Foundation and the United Way, So was resigned and can be available in St. Louis for the next couple of seasons. This is good news for fans of disciplined, fundamental fielding, as well as fans of not dying from bird flu.
Thank you, So!
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Monday, October 30, 2006
St. Louis celebrates championship with ... violence
The Saint Louis Cardinals, having just won their first championship in almost a quarter of a century, decided to celebrate in style. A fantastic parade and ceremony capped off an improbable run at the World Series title, and many of the fans chose to join the team responsibly in the revelry. Some people, apparently more and more each day, decided to celebrate in a less conventional manner, by committing violent crimes.
The Federal Bureau of Investigation has finally named St. Louis the most dangerous city in America. After years of trying to get over the hump, the city managed to get to the top of these infamous rankings. Said Mayor Francis Slay, "I can't say I'm thrilled. Frankly, this city has been slowly progressing deeper into the recesses of hell each year I have been in office. I swear, that is a coincidence. It has been bad enough being mentioned in the same sentence as cities like Reno, Laredo, Atlanta, Compton, and East St. Louis for crime statistics. But now to be number one? Damn it."
Not only did Detroit hand the World Series to the Cardinals on a silver platter, they also gladly passed the title of biggest criminal hellhole in the contiguous United States to the community here as well. Reached for comment, Tiger manager Jim Leyland noted, "Well the increase in crime is probably actually due to the Detroit fans that came down to St. Louis for a week. You don't really think those stats came out this weekend all skewed like that on chance, do you? Good old Detroit fans, spreading the love in St. Louis. I saw some real first-class Detroit-style crimes going on from my hotel room. Kind of makes you proud, seeing the hometown fans representing on the road like that."
Mayor Slay continued, "I am glad we overtook Detroit for the World Series, but not so glad we overtook them for the crime capitol. You know, those stats are for the city only, not the county or the rest of the metropolitan area. They are a little misleading. I need to become mayor of Belleville or Huntleigh or something like that. Crime city, USA, yessir. How the hell did I let the DNC talk me into running for this job?"
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
The Federal Bureau of Investigation has finally named St. Louis the most dangerous city in America. After years of trying to get over the hump, the city managed to get to the top of these infamous rankings. Said Mayor Francis Slay, "I can't say I'm thrilled. Frankly, this city has been slowly progressing deeper into the recesses of hell each year I have been in office. I swear, that is a coincidence. It has been bad enough being mentioned in the same sentence as cities like Reno, Laredo, Atlanta, Compton, and East St. Louis for crime statistics. But now to be number one? Damn it."
Not only did Detroit hand the World Series to the Cardinals on a silver platter, they also gladly passed the title of biggest criminal hellhole in the contiguous United States to the community here as well. Reached for comment, Tiger manager Jim Leyland noted, "Well the increase in crime is probably actually due to the Detroit fans that came down to St. Louis for a week. You don't really think those stats came out this weekend all skewed like that on chance, do you? Good old Detroit fans, spreading the love in St. Louis. I saw some real first-class Detroit-style crimes going on from my hotel room. Kind of makes you proud, seeing the hometown fans representing on the road like that."
Mayor Slay continued, "I am glad we overtook Detroit for the World Series, but not so glad we overtook them for the crime capitol. You know, those stats are for the city only, not the county or the rest of the metropolitan area. They are a little misleading. I need to become mayor of Belleville or Huntleigh or something like that. Crime city, USA, yessir. How the hell did I let the DNC talk me into running for this job?"
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
World Series Parade attracts record number of hoosiers
With the World Series parade came a great deal of revelers. The powerful KMOX signal created a radius of Cardinal fans hundreds of miles in each direction, and the KTRS signal keeps a few dozen of those fans happy with its craptastic broadcast. Everyone within Cardinal nation wished they could be a part of this memorable day last Sunday. Many people packed up and drove for hours just to get a glimpse of their favorite players. Some complications did arise when Redbird fans from less sophisticated areas of the midwest made their way into a large metropolitan area for the first time.
Reached for comment, Mayor Francis Slay, noted, "Saint Louis is a great place to visit and we would normally love to have a ton of out-of-town dollars being spent here. But some of the idiots that showed up for this parade really frustrated me and the other people who live hear year-round." Asked to elaborate, Mayor Slay responded, "That funny lookin light flashy thing is a street light, Zeke. And the red hand, as opposed to the white outline of a person walking, means 'Don't Walk'. Yes, Rusty, the big city lights can be frightening to those who dare venture out of their trailers and into urbania. Learn to use a crosswalk and don't snarl traffic to a halt, you hicks!"
County Executive Charlie Dooley added, "We have seen a great deal of business increases in the county and outlying areas, thanks to the tourists coming to the parades. The local grocers can hardly keep the Pabst and Stag on the shelves. Don't even get me started on the dollars being generated at our local Wal-Marts. And the gun shops, tobacco stores, RV rest areas and other fine establishments. It really is excellent."
Mayor Slay, continuing his comments, noted, "The hard, black top to the street is called black top. See, large machines come through and do something called 'lay pavement', and that makes a more durable right of way for automobiles. The fancy kind of autos, not the Duster or the Four-Wheeler. God, I hate those hoosiers. Don't you have baseball out in the sticks?"
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Reached for comment, Mayor Francis Slay, noted, "Saint Louis is a great place to visit and we would normally love to have a ton of out-of-town dollars being spent here. But some of the idiots that showed up for this parade really frustrated me and the other people who live hear year-round." Asked to elaborate, Mayor Slay responded, "That funny lookin light flashy thing is a street light, Zeke. And the red hand, as opposed to the white outline of a person walking, means 'Don't Walk'. Yes, Rusty, the big city lights can be frightening to those who dare venture out of their trailers and into urbania. Learn to use a crosswalk and don't snarl traffic to a halt, you hicks!"
County Executive Charlie Dooley added, "We have seen a great deal of business increases in the county and outlying areas, thanks to the tourists coming to the parades. The local grocers can hardly keep the Pabst and Stag on the shelves. Don't even get me started on the dollars being generated at our local Wal-Marts. And the gun shops, tobacco stores, RV rest areas and other fine establishments. It really is excellent."
Mayor Slay, continuing his comments, noted, "The hard, black top to the street is called black top. See, large machines come through and do something called 'lay pavement', and that makes a more durable right of way for automobiles. The fancy kind of autos, not the Duster or the Four-Wheeler. God, I hate those hoosiers. Don't you have baseball out in the sticks?"
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Friday, October 27, 2006
Sports Bar Review: Al Hrabosky's Ballpark Saloon
Stlsports has decided to start occasionally reviewing local sports-themed restaurants and bars, as a part of the mission of keeping the readers informed on all things sports. Sports bars, being inherently related to sports, seemed like a logical progression in diversifying the type of fake sports news you can only get here and about a dozen other places on the web.
Last night, Stlsports went to the infamous Al Hrabosky's attempt at a sports bar, properly named Al Hrabosky's Ballpark Saloon. It was a kind of late night, hence the no-post-Wednesday. Here is the story.
A little background on the bar: Al Hrabosky was a fan-favorite sociopathic middle relief pitcher for the Cardinals back in the 1970's. He was known for his wild appearance and crazy behavior on the mound. After his playing days had ended, "The Mad Hungarian", as he became to known, got into the broadcasting business. Al can be seen giving color analysis with Dan "Homer" McLaughlin on Fox Sports Midwest. Soon the entrepreneur bug began to bite at big Al's heels, and he decided to open up a shrine to dram shop litigation, the Ballpark Saloon. The BPS is a giant series of metal sheds on a dilapidated parking lot, only a block and a half from the new Busch Stadium. Slightly farther away than "building collapse waiting to happen" Paddy-O's, the BPS has a steady stream of fans and a steady stream of booze. I have been there only twice before. The first time, it was the last Missouri stop on my bachelor party (think about that for a second ... oh, now you get it), and I went there a second time the next morning to pick up my debit card that I left there in a drunken stupor.
A little background on the evening: With me were Cupcake, of fantasy football fame, and Doghair, new to the Stlsports family. We decided to head down there to watch game four of the World Series within a few hundred yards of people who had paid much much more to see the game in person than we had. Doghair decided to hawk some tickets at several times face value. I swear I had nothing to do with that, Officers. Anyway, he told us that all the drinks were on him that night, as well as any food. This event was wife and child free, so we could act like pigs. We sat outside since it was so damned crowded indoors. Flapjack, also of fantasy sports fame, was a notable absentee. He is 'that guy' when the home team is playing an important game. He dogs on the hometown all the time. When the Rams lost the Superbowl, he was almost murdered by my party guests. He did manage to call and text obnoxious anti-Pujols messages. That dude (I love 'em) sucks ass sometimes, and he knows it.
We took the Metrolink downtown, on the eight hundred trillion dollar extension. It was nice, I guess. Very few shivings or shootings occurred on this trip, and most of the people that lived on the train tracks were also rooting on the Redbirds. On the way home, drunkass Doghair fell asleep on the train. Not having the heart to let him wake up alone and robbed at the airport, I helped him out at our stop. Metrolink Grade: B
Doghair kept pestering Stlsports and Cupcake to eat some food. Finally having some cash, he was happy to piss it away on us. Desperate to get him off of my back, Stlsports ordered a BBQ brisket sandwich for a seemingly reasonable seven bucks. Not my money, so what the hell. After being told what a loser I was for not ordering a twenty dollar slab of ribs, I told Doghair that I would make up for it on the beer end of the deal. The brisket was fine, slathered in sauce to hide the undoubtedly low grade of meat. I am sure it was up to health code. Hopefully. I'm positive the fact that I drank a third of a bottle of Pepto at work today is unrelated to that sandwich. Doghair ate a giant basket of fries by himself and did not get sick from it. In fact, those spuds probably kept him from yaking on the train ride out of downtown. BPS Food Grade: B-
Our waitress was pretty cute. She was not very flirty and since it was cold, we saw next to no skin. (Look, I know I am married, but hey I am a guy at a sports bar here.) She was quick with the beer when we asked for it, although that shit is so expensive. Good gracious! She earned huge points for letting wildly drunken Doghair pick her up unsuspectingly like a rag doll and jump around with her after a big play. He even spilt and broke a beer on the play. No complaints from her really boosts her score. She also did not complain when super drunk and rowdy dude in front of us shattered his plastic lawn chair while celebrating. Too bad Doghiar is a cheap tipper - she deserved better. BPS Waitress Grade: A-
The beer selection was pretty simple. If it was an A-B product and was in a grocery store, they probably had it. A six pack, served either in a six pack box or in a bucket, depending on the waiter, was twenty bucks. This is only a three hundred percent markup from the grocery store, which is a pretty incredible deal considering how close we were to the ballpark. It was particularly cost-effective, since Doghair paid for all of that crap. I like A-B as much as anyone, and the more you drink, the better it is. Like I said before, it was cold and came out to us quick. And I drank a ton of it. BPS Beer Grade: B
As earlier stated, we are all married men. We are not picking anyone up, or smootchin' on anyone. We just like looking at women who are acting like drunken idiots and who are flashing a little skankiness. That being said, there were a few hotties there. The cold weather prevented too much clothing augmentation of mediocre women. (Goodness that sounds so sexist.) We had fun trying to pick out which women had fake boobs, lips, butts, etc. and who was dressed far too slutty for their age. Lots of makeup going on at a rowdy sports bar. I was not very impressed, but I know that if it had been July, things would have been better. BPS Women Scenery Grade: C+
There was the typical corny white guy DJ working in the tent that night. He was a complete idiot. He played stupid music and just made us all want to punch him in the face. He misquoted famous movie lines, at the wrong times. This was worse than the corny wedding DJ, and you know who those morons are. The BPS DJ tried to break up the uncomfortable nature of the Anti-Proposition 2 commercial by making some jokes and playing some music. Didn't work - he came off as a jackass. That guy should be shot. Beaten and shot. And then near the late innings, some fairly decent skanky women started dancing on picnic tables. This was some good pevlic dancing and girating, perhaps done by amateur night semi-pros. We were cold and a little bored during the between inning breaks and this was a welcome change. Well, Mr. No Fun Security Guy told her to get off of the table. Thanks a lot, loser. Why don't you tell the DJ to cut it out instead of drunk dancing woman? BPS Non-waitress Employees Grade: D
Some other things about this bar made it a fun and unique experience. Bacardi women were throwing out some poser-tastic skull caps that K-Fed would have been jealous of. I saw Randy Kerraker, of 1380 AM ESPN Radio fame, and he is really nice in person. We did not, however, see Mr. Hrabosky himself. There is a one-way mirror going from the men's urinals out into the women's bathroom waiting line. You can see them fixing their hair, picking their teeth, moving their bras around in this mirror - pretty high quality. The place is also a big shed. A big damned shed with sports memorobilia hanging up all over the place. The parking lot could not have been that expensive to buy and he is selling expensive beers. The Madman is making some mad green. The irreverent T-Shirts were hilarious. They were not twenty five dollars hilarious, but you got a chuckle reading them on the way into the bar. It was a pretty fun place to watch a ballgame. BPS Intangibles Grade: A-
Overall, the Ballpark Saloon got mixed marks. I am sure that place is a little more fun for the guys in the warmer months. But as far as a place to watch the ballgame, it was pretty cool. The crowd there was pumped. The beer flowed freely. The women wanted to dance filthy-style. A nice night was had by all, except the DJ, who I hope got beat up and fired after the game. Al Hrabosky's Ballpark Saloon Overall Grade: B
Last night, Stlsports went to the infamous Al Hrabosky's attempt at a sports bar, properly named Al Hrabosky's Ballpark Saloon. It was a kind of late night, hence the no-post-Wednesday. Here is the story.
A little background on the bar: Al Hrabosky was a fan-favorite sociopathic middle relief pitcher for the Cardinals back in the 1970's. He was known for his wild appearance and crazy behavior on the mound. After his playing days had ended, "The Mad Hungarian", as he became to known, got into the broadcasting business. Al can be seen giving color analysis with Dan "Homer" McLaughlin on Fox Sports Midwest. Soon the entrepreneur bug began to bite at big Al's heels, and he decided to open up a shrine to dram shop litigation, the Ballpark Saloon. The BPS is a giant series of metal sheds on a dilapidated parking lot, only a block and a half from the new Busch Stadium. Slightly farther away than "building collapse waiting to happen" Paddy-O's, the BPS has a steady stream of fans and a steady stream of booze. I have been there only twice before. The first time, it was the last Missouri stop on my bachelor party (think about that for a second ... oh, now you get it), and I went there a second time the next morning to pick up my debit card that I left there in a drunken stupor.
A little background on the evening: With me were Cupcake, of fantasy football fame, and Doghair, new to the Stlsports family. We decided to head down there to watch game four of the World Series within a few hundred yards of people who had paid much much more to see the game in person than we had. Doghair decided to hawk some tickets at several times face value. I swear I had nothing to do with that, Officers. Anyway, he told us that all the drinks were on him that night, as well as any food. This event was wife and child free, so we could act like pigs. We sat outside since it was so damned crowded indoors. Flapjack, also of fantasy sports fame, was a notable absentee. He is 'that guy' when the home team is playing an important game. He dogs on the hometown all the time. When the Rams lost the Superbowl, he was almost murdered by my party guests. He did manage to call and text obnoxious anti-Pujols messages. That dude (I love 'em) sucks ass sometimes, and he knows it.
We took the Metrolink downtown, on the eight hundred trillion dollar extension. It was nice, I guess. Very few shivings or shootings occurred on this trip, and most of the people that lived on the train tracks were also rooting on the Redbirds. On the way home, drunkass Doghair fell asleep on the train. Not having the heart to let him wake up alone and robbed at the airport, I helped him out at our stop. Metrolink Grade: B
Doghair kept pestering Stlsports and Cupcake to eat some food. Finally having some cash, he was happy to piss it away on us. Desperate to get him off of my back, Stlsports ordered a BBQ brisket sandwich for a seemingly reasonable seven bucks. Not my money, so what the hell. After being told what a loser I was for not ordering a twenty dollar slab of ribs, I told Doghair that I would make up for it on the beer end of the deal. The brisket was fine, slathered in sauce to hide the undoubtedly low grade of meat. I am sure it was up to health code. Hopefully. I'm positive the fact that I drank a third of a bottle of Pepto at work today is unrelated to that sandwich. Doghair ate a giant basket of fries by himself and did not get sick from it. In fact, those spuds probably kept him from yaking on the train ride out of downtown. BPS Food Grade: B-
Our waitress was pretty cute. She was not very flirty and since it was cold, we saw next to no skin. (Look, I know I am married, but hey I am a guy at a sports bar here.) She was quick with the beer when we asked for it, although that shit is so expensive. Good gracious! She earned huge points for letting wildly drunken Doghair pick her up unsuspectingly like a rag doll and jump around with her after a big play. He even spilt and broke a beer on the play. No complaints from her really boosts her score. She also did not complain when super drunk and rowdy dude in front of us shattered his plastic lawn chair while celebrating. Too bad Doghiar is a cheap tipper - she deserved better. BPS Waitress Grade: A-
The beer selection was pretty simple. If it was an A-B product and was in a grocery store, they probably had it. A six pack, served either in a six pack box or in a bucket, depending on the waiter, was twenty bucks. This is only a three hundred percent markup from the grocery store, which is a pretty incredible deal considering how close we were to the ballpark. It was particularly cost-effective, since Doghair paid for all of that crap. I like A-B as much as anyone, and the more you drink, the better it is. Like I said before, it was cold and came out to us quick. And I drank a ton of it. BPS Beer Grade: B
As earlier stated, we are all married men. We are not picking anyone up, or smootchin' on anyone. We just like looking at women who are acting like drunken idiots and who are flashing a little skankiness. That being said, there were a few hotties there. The cold weather prevented too much clothing augmentation of mediocre women. (Goodness that sounds so sexist.) We had fun trying to pick out which women had fake boobs, lips, butts, etc. and who was dressed far too slutty for their age. Lots of makeup going on at a rowdy sports bar. I was not very impressed, but I know that if it had been July, things would have been better. BPS Women Scenery Grade: C+
There was the typical corny white guy DJ working in the tent that night. He was a complete idiot. He played stupid music and just made us all want to punch him in the face. He misquoted famous movie lines, at the wrong times. This was worse than the corny wedding DJ, and you know who those morons are. The BPS DJ tried to break up the uncomfortable nature of the Anti-Proposition 2 commercial by making some jokes and playing some music. Didn't work - he came off as a jackass. That guy should be shot. Beaten and shot. And then near the late innings, some fairly decent skanky women started dancing on picnic tables. This was some good pevlic dancing and girating, perhaps done by amateur night semi-pros. We were cold and a little bored during the between inning breaks and this was a welcome change. Well, Mr. No Fun Security Guy told her to get off of the table. Thanks a lot, loser. Why don't you tell the DJ to cut it out instead of drunk dancing woman? BPS Non-waitress Employees Grade: D
Some other things about this bar made it a fun and unique experience. Bacardi women were throwing out some poser-tastic skull caps that K-Fed would have been jealous of. I saw Randy Kerraker, of 1380 AM ESPN Radio fame, and he is really nice in person. We did not, however, see Mr. Hrabosky himself. There is a one-way mirror going from the men's urinals out into the women's bathroom waiting line. You can see them fixing their hair, picking their teeth, moving their bras around in this mirror - pretty high quality. The place is also a big shed. A big damned shed with sports memorobilia hanging up all over the place. The parking lot could not have been that expensive to buy and he is selling expensive beers. The Madman is making some mad green. The irreverent T-Shirts were hilarious. They were not twenty five dollars hilarious, but you got a chuckle reading them on the way into the bar. It was a pretty fun place to watch a ballgame. BPS Intangibles Grade: A-
Overall, the Ballpark Saloon got mixed marks. I am sure that place is a little more fun for the guys in the warmer months. But as far as a place to watch the ballgame, it was pretty cool. The crowd there was pumped. The beer flowed freely. The women wanted to dance filthy-style. A nice night was had by all, except the DJ, who I hope got beat up and fired after the game. Al Hrabosky's Ballpark Saloon Overall Grade: B
How you like 'em now, national media?
In case you didn't know, the St. Louis Cardinals just won the World Series.
That's right, Buster Olney, Tim Kirkjuan, Peter Gammons, Bill Simmons, and every other hater sports writer out there. They won. No, I didn't think they would do it a month ago. No one did. But after a couple wins, I thought it was possible. During the NLCS, I even thought it was a good probabiltiy. I didn't hate. But we all know what you will say. The Tigers coughed it up. They are the worst champs ever. They didn't deserve it. They should not have gotten into the playoffs. Same old shit.
Here is our message to you: Suck our collective balls.
Party it up, St. Louis!
That's right, Buster Olney, Tim Kirkjuan, Peter Gammons, Bill Simmons, and every other hater sports writer out there. They won. No, I didn't think they would do it a month ago. No one did. But after a couple wins, I thought it was possible. During the NLCS, I even thought it was a good probabiltiy. I didn't hate. But we all know what you will say. The Tigers coughed it up. They are the worst champs ever. They didn't deserve it. They should not have gotten into the playoffs. Same old shit.
Here is our message to you: Suck our collective balls.
Party it up, St. Louis!
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Rain-out ensures a ride home full of profanities
The St. Louis Cardinals had planned on playing a little playoff baseball this evening, but Mother Nature had other plans. The cruel old hag that she is, she decided to dump a steady mist of cold, scummy rain on St. Louis over the course of the last twenty four hours. Now people in the midwest know why so many people in Seattle are depressed, pale and suicidal. Major League Baseball, working closely with the FOX television network (read: FOX is to puppeteer hand as MLB backside is to puppet opening), decided to postpone the game by a day after several painstaking hours of delays. Many fans have been sitting tirelessly in the stands, getting soaked with cold, dreary rain and while eating expensive hot dogs and drinking even more expensive beer. To some, this is an unfortunate experience that will sour the feelings of certain fans. (To me, sitting in my well-heated house, I am not so inconvenienced.)
Now that the game has been called, the multitude of hardcore fans have to trek back home in the wet, cold and crowded highways and byways. Several fans expressed their frustration with the situation. Noted one fan, "I am going to kick Bud Selig in the ass if I see him in person." Astutely observant, another attendee added, "I used to only hate FOX for paying Tim McCarver to ruin baseball broadcasts, but now I hate them for trying to squeeze in this game and only relenting after we had been sitting there for several terrible hours. I am going home to kick my dog, and possibly my children." Finally, another spectator summed up his experience with a range of colorful profanities, finally noting, "Well, at least I am all the more closer to the East Side. I may as well spend my beer money over there."
Reached for comment, MLB commissioner Bud Selig added, "This is unfortunate. But we realized that since no one outside of the midwest or Michigan was going to watch this game, no one that really mattered would be inconvenienced. No one, except of course my beloved and cherished East Coast sports reporters, without whom the nation would never know about how great the East Coast teams are. Too bad their contracts required them to attend this game. Really, I tried my best to get the Dodgers and Yankees in the World Series, but it just didn't work out. We have lost millions in advertising because of these two teams. They had to mess it all up. They have forgotten about the true meaning of baseball: advertising revenue. I am sorely disappointed in the Cardinals and the Tigers. I am considering putting them up for contraction in the offseason, I am so pissed off."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Now that the game has been called, the multitude of hardcore fans have to trek back home in the wet, cold and crowded highways and byways. Several fans expressed their frustration with the situation. Noted one fan, "I am going to kick Bud Selig in the ass if I see him in person." Astutely observant, another attendee added, "I used to only hate FOX for paying Tim McCarver to ruin baseball broadcasts, but now I hate them for trying to squeeze in this game and only relenting after we had been sitting there for several terrible hours. I am going home to kick my dog, and possibly my children." Finally, another spectator summed up his experience with a range of colorful profanities, finally noting, "Well, at least I am all the more closer to the East Side. I may as well spend my beer money over there."
Reached for comment, MLB commissioner Bud Selig added, "This is unfortunate. But we realized that since no one outside of the midwest or Michigan was going to watch this game, no one that really mattered would be inconvenienced. No one, except of course my beloved and cherished East Coast sports reporters, without whom the nation would never know about how great the East Coast teams are. Too bad their contracts required them to attend this game. Really, I tried my best to get the Dodgers and Yankees in the World Series, but it just didn't work out. We have lost millions in advertising because of these two teams. They had to mess it all up. They have forgotten about the true meaning of baseball: advertising revenue. I am sorely disappointed in the Cardinals and the Tigers. I am considering putting them up for contraction in the offseason, I am so pissed off."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Monday, October 23, 2006
My boss, the baseball fan
This actually happened seconds ago:
My Boss: "Hey, you know anyone who has any extra World Series tickets?"
Me: [Laughter. No actual response.]
What? Are you serious?
Okay, let's pretend that I did know someone who had a few 'extra' World Series tickets, just sitting around the house, maybe being used as bookmarks, perhaps clipped to the fridge - whatever the case may be. Now what? What if I say, "I sure do, Boss!" Am I expected to get ahold of those tickets and hand those over at face value to be used by him and/or some clients?
What if I had some tickets myself? Would I be expected to sell them to him and/or the clients at face value? If I had tickets, and for some insane reason was not going to the game myself, I would sell them at about ten times face value and maybe make a couple mortgage payments with the proceeds.
Extra World Series tickets? Good God, man, this is St. Louis.
My Boss: "Hey, you know anyone who has any extra World Series tickets?"
Me: [Laughter. No actual response.]
What? Are you serious?
Okay, let's pretend that I did know someone who had a few 'extra' World Series tickets, just sitting around the house, maybe being used as bookmarks, perhaps clipped to the fridge - whatever the case may be. Now what? What if I say, "I sure do, Boss!" Am I expected to get ahold of those tickets and hand those over at face value to be used by him and/or some clients?
What if I had some tickets myself? Would I be expected to sell them to him and/or the clients at face value? If I had tickets, and for some insane reason was not going to the game myself, I would sell them at about ten times face value and maybe make a couple mortgage payments with the proceeds.
Extra World Series tickets? Good God, man, this is St. Louis.
Interview: Kenny Rogers
Since the middle of the first inning of the second game of the 2006 World Series, everyone has wanted to know what the brown substance on Kenny Rogers' pitching hand was. Some speculate that it was pine tar, while Rogers claimed it was a clump of dirt. Conspiracy theorists have irresponsibly jumped the gun and asked a series of obnoxious rhetorical questions of Rogers and his alleged cheating. While irresponsible journalism has its place, like in politics, it has no place here in the realm of sports.
Finally, after hours of speculation, Rogers has agreed to discuss the matter with Stlsports to once and for all put an end to the issue. As is usually the case, this blog has scooped the so-called insiders and the rest of the national media. A transcript of the interview follows:
Stlsports: Thanks for agreeing to meet with me, Kenny.
Kenny Rogers: No problem. I just want to clear the air once and for all.
Stlsports: So, let's just get right to it. The entire sports world wants to know: What was that substance on your pitching hand in the first inning of game two of the 2006 World Series against the Cardinals in Detroit?
Rogers: Poop.
Stlsports: Excuse me, did you say poop?
Rogers: Yes, poop.
Stlsports: Uh, would you care to elaborate?
Rogers: I mean, what else is there to say?
Stlsports: Well, I can think of a couple follow-up questions. First, how did it get there? Was it your own? If not, whose was it? Was it there intentionally? Why was it there? Did it give you a competitive advantage?
Rogers: Well, yes, it was my own.
Stlsports: And why in good God was it on your hand?
Rogers: The bathroom stall in the clubhouse was out of T.P., and the game was about to start, and so I ...
Stlsports: Wow, I think that about does it, Kenny.
Rogers: I thought you had some more questions.
Stlsports: No, really, I'm fine. Please leave and don't touch me.
Rogers: I just don't want people to think I cheated.
Stlsports: Whatever, man, just get out of my studio and don't touch anything on the way out.
Rogers: Do you want your pen back?
Stlsports: Just keep it and get out.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Finally, after hours of speculation, Rogers has agreed to discuss the matter with Stlsports to once and for all put an end to the issue. As is usually the case, this blog has scooped the so-called insiders and the rest of the national media. A transcript of the interview follows:
Stlsports: Thanks for agreeing to meet with me, Kenny.
Kenny Rogers: No problem. I just want to clear the air once and for all.
Stlsports: So, let's just get right to it. The entire sports world wants to know: What was that substance on your pitching hand in the first inning of game two of the 2006 World Series against the Cardinals in Detroit?
Rogers: Poop.
Stlsports: Excuse me, did you say poop?
Rogers: Yes, poop.
Stlsports: Uh, would you care to elaborate?
Rogers: I mean, what else is there to say?
Stlsports: Well, I can think of a couple follow-up questions. First, how did it get there? Was it your own? If not, whose was it? Was it there intentionally? Why was it there? Did it give you a competitive advantage?
Rogers: Well, yes, it was my own.
Stlsports: And why in good God was it on your hand?
Rogers: The bathroom stall in the clubhouse was out of T.P., and the game was about to start, and so I ...
Stlsports: Wow, I think that about does it, Kenny.
Rogers: I thought you had some more questions.
Stlsports: No, really, I'm fine. Please leave and don't touch me.
Rogers: I just don't want people to think I cheated.
Stlsports: Whatever, man, just get out of my studio and don't touch anything on the way out.
Rogers: Do you want your pen back?
Stlsports: Just keep it and get out.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Friday, October 20, 2006
NLCS Recap: My wife, the baseball fan
Actual conversation my wife and I had a few moments ago:
Stlsports: I just read on ESPN.com that some of the writers don't think that the Cardinals really won the NLCS so much as the Mets lost it.
Wife: WHAT???
Stlsports: Yeah, they claim that the Cardinal pitching was mediocre, the hitting was not that great and that this matchup is a nightmare for FOX because it is such a mismatch. Basically the Mets imploded and handed the series to a wildly inferior team, in thier opinion.
Wife: "Fuck ESPN! I am cancelling your magazine subscription!"
God bless her little heart.
Stlsports: I just read on ESPN.com that some of the writers don't think that the Cardinals really won the NLCS so much as the Mets lost it.
Wife: WHAT???
Stlsports: Yeah, they claim that the Cardinal pitching was mediocre, the hitting was not that great and that this matchup is a nightmare for FOX because it is such a mismatch. Basically the Mets imploded and handed the series to a wildly inferior team, in thier opinion.
Wife: "Fuck ESPN! I am cancelling your magazine subscription!"
God bless her little heart.
Lazyass takes elevator at ballgame
The fabulous new Busch stadium is not just a great place to watch a ballgame. It is also a great place to see giant, glowing advertisements, a great place to sit in seats that are a couple inches smaller from side-to-side than the old Busch, and a great place to buy beer at fourty cents an ounce, plus tip. One amazing feature that is regularly overlooked by those who would praise the genius of the design of that stadium is the inclusion of many elevators throughout the facility.
According to team management, these elevators have been put in place to help the 'differently-abled' and the enfeebled make their way to and from their seats without having to trek up endless up and down ramps. Said team Czar Bill DeWitt, "These were installed to make life a little easier on our older guests or people who have trouble moving around. We want to make sure that all of our fans can have a good time."
It has been noted, however, that some people recently have been taking these elevators who do not have anything wrong with them. Some people are just lazy, while others are drunk. A significant number are fans of sizeable girth who could actually stand to do a little walking. All of these fans, who have nothing stopping them from using their two legs that God gave them to get to their seats, are clogging these elevators and preventing those who need them from using them. In response to news of this behavior, DeWitt noted, "What lazy assholes. I bet those are the same people who are parking in the handicapped spots and putting up their grandparents' handicapped tag in the rearview mirror. If I see someone doing that, I am going to punch them in the mouth."
DeWitt continued, "I hate people who are so lazy. That is just totally rediculous." DeWitt was then picked up by his personal assistant and placed in a golf cart for the ride over to his office across the stadium. Before he left, and just as the foot massage maching turned on in the golf cart, he noted, "That is the type of dishonesty and bad attitude that has no place in this ballpark."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
According to team management, these elevators have been put in place to help the 'differently-abled' and the enfeebled make their way to and from their seats without having to trek up endless up and down ramps. Said team Czar Bill DeWitt, "These were installed to make life a little easier on our older guests or people who have trouble moving around. We want to make sure that all of our fans can have a good time."
It has been noted, however, that some people recently have been taking these elevators who do not have anything wrong with them. Some people are just lazy, while others are drunk. A significant number are fans of sizeable girth who could actually stand to do a little walking. All of these fans, who have nothing stopping them from using their two legs that God gave them to get to their seats, are clogging these elevators and preventing those who need them from using them. In response to news of this behavior, DeWitt noted, "What lazy assholes. I bet those are the same people who are parking in the handicapped spots and putting up their grandparents' handicapped tag in the rearview mirror. If I see someone doing that, I am going to punch them in the mouth."
DeWitt continued, "I hate people who are so lazy. That is just totally rediculous." DeWitt was then picked up by his personal assistant and placed in a golf cart for the ride over to his office across the stadium. Before he left, and just as the foot massage maching turned on in the golf cart, he noted, "That is the type of dishonesty and bad attitude that has no place in this ballpark."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
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