Klopfenstein Uber Allen! to replace Let's Go Rams!

The Rams drafted tight end Joe Klopfenstein out of the University of Colorado in the second round as a replacement for the departing Brandon Manuma, uh, Manomau, ah, let's see, Maenumomomo, ... uh, Brandon Smith. Joe, who is commonly mistaken for a native German becuase of his last name, was actually born here in America, right up the highway in Denver, Colorado. Nonetheless, several German-born St. Louisans have taken notice and are beginning to root for Joe, thinking that he is their native son.

Rams team president John Shaw is not going to disagree with those new fans. "You might not believe it, but very few native-Germans living here in America follow our football," remarked Shaw. "Of course they follow football, but they call it soccer. It is a little confusing, I know, but stick with me here. Anything we can do to tap into a new fan base, we are certainly going to attempt."

Shaw plans to reach out to these fans through a series of public service announcements. In a recent commercial, Klopfenstein, who is clearly reading from a teleprompter in a slow and confused manner, while wearing a shirt that looks like the German national flag, reached out to those fans. "Ich möchte Ventilatoren anregen, für mich während des Spiels." Joe continued, to a producer off camera, "What the hell does this shit mean?" Back facing the camera, the tight end noted, "Ich verspreche ein leistungsfähiges und moralisch emporhebendes Gleiches des amerikanischen Fußballs. What? Is this BS in my contract? I need to fire dat, I mean that, agent." The PSA ended with Klopfenstein asking the fans, "Bitte Nehmenanmerkung meiner Geschwindigkeit und Fähigkeiten, wie ich die Kugel mich verfange und hinunter auffangene laufe."

At the latest preseason football game, a pack of rowdy face paint-wearing hooligans showed up to cheer on Klopfenstein. Although the security at the Edward Jones Dome is adept at confiscating outside alcohol in the form of open beer cans and looking for weapons such as guns, they miss other hooligan-type contraband. Accordingly, several goons were seen drinking absynthe out of a hollowed out prosthetic limb and producing lead pipes and road flares from places unknown on their bodies.

Needless to say, those non-hooligan St. Louisans sitting in Section 120 that night were treated to a European flavor for sporting events not seen in America since the World Cup of Soccer was hosted here some years ago. At latest count, thirteen people have been wounded, and two cheerleaders are missing. The Dome has suffered one hundred thousand dollars in damage and extra security has been hired for future home games.

Thank you, John Shaw, for your commitment to and success at bringing in new fans!

[Diese Geschichte ist eine Satire der berühmten Leute. Wait, I mean this story is a satire of public figures.]

[Check out this page to make sense of this crap.]

[Thanks MWS.]