Suzy Kolber, the sideline reporter for Monday Night Football, got a new haircut this past week (or maybe it was sooner, but I didn't notice). She has long been known for her gigantic, thick, helmet of a harido, and it had become her trademark look. In fact, there are several websites dedicated to Kolber-worship in one way or another. Suzy is a seasoned and respected reporter, and was a party to one of the finest on-air off-the-field moments ever in Jets history. Personally, Stlsports liked the old haircut, since it added an air of mystery to her. Now, it is clear that she is really not all that good looking and I am glad that I decided to stick with my wife after all. So why is this news? Because this is all that anyone can talk about at Rams park, and that seems to upset some members of the current Rams team.
Running back Steven Jackson, who is having the break out season that he promised, scored the overtime game-winning touchdown at home against the Washington [un-P.C. term] football team last Sunday at home. No one in town watched the game on television, since the game did not sell out by the Thursday deadline, and instead the local fans were forced to watch two really good teams who will both likely be in the playoffs compete in an excellent game. Too bad the Rams picked the blacked-out game to put on such an excellent performance, because no one in town seems to be talking about it. Only Suzy Kolber's hairdo and opinions on the same were the topics of discussion. Jackson, reached for comment on the Kolber haircut situation, noted, "I am so sick of hearing about that woman. Why aren't we talking about my play this past weekend? There is a little something called the playoffs that we are in contention for, and I would like to know if anyone has any questions relating to the playoffs."
In response to Jackson's tirade, Rams beat writer for the Post-Dispatch, Jim Thomas, asked the running back if he thought Kolber should go back to wearing her hair in a giant poof for the playoffs or if the new wavy, sexy doo was a better option. Jackson only replied with profanities, and then wondered out loud why no one in the locker room cared about the Rams' playoff chances.
Quarterback Marc Bulger, always being diplomatic in the locker room, added, "Well, I admit that the chances of us getting into the playoffs are pretty remote. And by 'pretty remote', I mean meteor hitting the earth and exploding nothing but gold nuggets into my pickup truck, while simultaneously striking oil on my front lawn. Pretty remote, indeed. But Steven has a right to be upset. He has really worked hard half of the season or so and deserves more respect. We should be talking to him about the playoffs, or whatever, and not Suzy Kolber's terrible new doo. Man, I would have hooked up with her in a second beforehand, but now, the mystery is all gone. I don't know if I like it. Suzy, you used to be a little cuter but now, I don't think it's you, babe."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
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