This actually happened seconds ago:
My Boss: "Hey, you know anyone who has any extra World Series tickets?"
Me: [Laughter. No actual response.]
What? Are you serious?
Okay, let's pretend that I did know someone who had a few 'extra' World Series tickets, just sitting around the house, maybe being used as bookmarks, perhaps clipped to the fridge - whatever the case may be. Now what? What if I say, "I sure do, Boss!" Am I expected to get ahold of those tickets and hand those over at face value to be used by him and/or some clients?
What if I had some tickets myself? Would I be expected to sell them to him and/or the clients at face value? If I had tickets, and for some insane reason was not going to the game myself, I would sell them at about ten times face value and maybe make a couple mortgage payments with the proceeds.
Extra World Series tickets? Good God, man, this is St. Louis.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Interview: Kenny Rogers
Since the middle of the first inning of the second game of the 2006 World Series, everyone has wanted to know what the brown substance on Kenny Rogers' pitching hand was. Some speculate that it was pine tar, while Rogers claimed it was a clump of dirt. Conspiracy theorists have irresponsibly jumped the gun and asked a series of obnoxious rhetorical questions of Rogers and his alleged cheating. While irresponsible journalism has its place, like in politics, it has no place here in the realm of sports.
Finally, after hours of speculation, Rogers has agreed to discuss the matter with Stlsports to once and for all put an end to the issue. As is usually the case, this blog has scooped the so-called insiders and the rest of the national media. A transcript of the interview follows:
Stlsports: Thanks for agreeing to meet with me, Kenny.
Kenny Rogers: No problem. I just want to clear the air once and for all.
Stlsports: So, let's just get right to it. The entire sports world wants to know: What was that substance on your pitching hand in the first inning of game two of the 2006 World Series against the Cardinals in Detroit?
Rogers: Poop.
Stlsports: Excuse me, did you say poop?
Rogers: Yes, poop.
Stlsports: Uh, would you care to elaborate?
Rogers: I mean, what else is there to say?
Stlsports: Well, I can think of a couple follow-up questions. First, how did it get there? Was it your own? If not, whose was it? Was it there intentionally? Why was it there? Did it give you a competitive advantage?
Rogers: Well, yes, it was my own.
Stlsports: And why in good God was it on your hand?
Rogers: The bathroom stall in the clubhouse was out of T.P., and the game was about to start, and so I ...
Stlsports: Wow, I think that about does it, Kenny.
Rogers: I thought you had some more questions.
Stlsports: No, really, I'm fine. Please leave and don't touch me.
Rogers: I just don't want people to think I cheated.
Stlsports: Whatever, man, just get out of my studio and don't touch anything on the way out.
Rogers: Do you want your pen back?
Stlsports: Just keep it and get out.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Finally, after hours of speculation, Rogers has agreed to discuss the matter with Stlsports to once and for all put an end to the issue. As is usually the case, this blog has scooped the so-called insiders and the rest of the national media. A transcript of the interview follows:
Stlsports: Thanks for agreeing to meet with me, Kenny.
Kenny Rogers: No problem. I just want to clear the air once and for all.
Stlsports: So, let's just get right to it. The entire sports world wants to know: What was that substance on your pitching hand in the first inning of game two of the 2006 World Series against the Cardinals in Detroit?
Rogers: Poop.
Stlsports: Excuse me, did you say poop?
Rogers: Yes, poop.
Stlsports: Uh, would you care to elaborate?
Rogers: I mean, what else is there to say?
Stlsports: Well, I can think of a couple follow-up questions. First, how did it get there? Was it your own? If not, whose was it? Was it there intentionally? Why was it there? Did it give you a competitive advantage?
Rogers: Well, yes, it was my own.
Stlsports: And why in good God was it on your hand?
Rogers: The bathroom stall in the clubhouse was out of T.P., and the game was about to start, and so I ...
Stlsports: Wow, I think that about does it, Kenny.
Rogers: I thought you had some more questions.
Stlsports: No, really, I'm fine. Please leave and don't touch me.
Rogers: I just don't want people to think I cheated.
Stlsports: Whatever, man, just get out of my studio and don't touch anything on the way out.
Rogers: Do you want your pen back?
Stlsports: Just keep it and get out.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Friday, October 20, 2006
NLCS Recap: My wife, the baseball fan
Actual conversation my wife and I had a few moments ago:
Stlsports: I just read on ESPN.com that some of the writers don't think that the Cardinals really won the NLCS so much as the Mets lost it.
Wife: WHAT???
Stlsports: Yeah, they claim that the Cardinal pitching was mediocre, the hitting was not that great and that this matchup is a nightmare for FOX because it is such a mismatch. Basically the Mets imploded and handed the series to a wildly inferior team, in thier opinion.
Wife: "Fuck ESPN! I am cancelling your magazine subscription!"
God bless her little heart.
Stlsports: I just read on ESPN.com that some of the writers don't think that the Cardinals really won the NLCS so much as the Mets lost it.
Wife: WHAT???
Stlsports: Yeah, they claim that the Cardinal pitching was mediocre, the hitting was not that great and that this matchup is a nightmare for FOX because it is such a mismatch. Basically the Mets imploded and handed the series to a wildly inferior team, in thier opinion.
Wife: "Fuck ESPN! I am cancelling your magazine subscription!"
God bless her little heart.
Lazyass takes elevator at ballgame
The fabulous new Busch stadium is not just a great place to watch a ballgame. It is also a great place to see giant, glowing advertisements, a great place to sit in seats that are a couple inches smaller from side-to-side than the old Busch, and a great place to buy beer at fourty cents an ounce, plus tip. One amazing feature that is regularly overlooked by those who would praise the genius of the design of that stadium is the inclusion of many elevators throughout the facility.
According to team management, these elevators have been put in place to help the 'differently-abled' and the enfeebled make their way to and from their seats without having to trek up endless up and down ramps. Said team Czar Bill DeWitt, "These were installed to make life a little easier on our older guests or people who have trouble moving around. We want to make sure that all of our fans can have a good time."
It has been noted, however, that some people recently have been taking these elevators who do not have anything wrong with them. Some people are just lazy, while others are drunk. A significant number are fans of sizeable girth who could actually stand to do a little walking. All of these fans, who have nothing stopping them from using their two legs that God gave them to get to their seats, are clogging these elevators and preventing those who need them from using them. In response to news of this behavior, DeWitt noted, "What lazy assholes. I bet those are the same people who are parking in the handicapped spots and putting up their grandparents' handicapped tag in the rearview mirror. If I see someone doing that, I am going to punch them in the mouth."
DeWitt continued, "I hate people who are so lazy. That is just totally rediculous." DeWitt was then picked up by his personal assistant and placed in a golf cart for the ride over to his office across the stadium. Before he left, and just as the foot massage maching turned on in the golf cart, he noted, "That is the type of dishonesty and bad attitude that has no place in this ballpark."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
According to team management, these elevators have been put in place to help the 'differently-abled' and the enfeebled make their way to and from their seats without having to trek up endless up and down ramps. Said team Czar Bill DeWitt, "These were installed to make life a little easier on our older guests or people who have trouble moving around. We want to make sure that all of our fans can have a good time."
It has been noted, however, that some people recently have been taking these elevators who do not have anything wrong with them. Some people are just lazy, while others are drunk. A significant number are fans of sizeable girth who could actually stand to do a little walking. All of these fans, who have nothing stopping them from using their two legs that God gave them to get to their seats, are clogging these elevators and preventing those who need them from using them. In response to news of this behavior, DeWitt noted, "What lazy assholes. I bet those are the same people who are parking in the handicapped spots and putting up their grandparents' handicapped tag in the rearview mirror. If I see someone doing that, I am going to punch them in the mouth."
DeWitt continued, "I hate people who are so lazy. That is just totally rediculous." DeWitt was then picked up by his personal assistant and placed in a golf cart for the ride over to his office across the stadium. Before he left, and just as the foot massage maching turned on in the golf cart, he noted, "That is the type of dishonesty and bad attitude that has no place in this ballpark."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Empty seats not a concern for Checketts
The Saint Louis Blues are on the rebound. After breaking their futile string of twenty five consecutive seasons with a playoff appearance (and without an appearance in the Stanley Cup Finals), the team is trying to win back the local fan base. A few seasons ago, the labor union decided to go on strike and the owners decided to lock them out preemptively. Then the team sold off most of the good players and tanked it, coming in dead last, even behind the Blackhawks. But new ownership is here and they plan to restore the pride in Blues hockey.
Although the team reloaded with some former superstars, many of whom used to be great back in the late 1990's, the fans have not yet returned. The seating capacity at the ScottTrade/Savvis/Kiel Center is a little over twenty thousand, but less than half of that has been coming to the games. Owner Dave Checketts, reached for comment, noted, "We have been competing with Rams football and playoff Cardinal baseball. Of course we will have some empty seats here and there. Overall, I am quite pleased with the attendance."
Checketts was then asked what excuse he will use for the empty seats after the World Series has ended and on days the Rams are not playing, to which he replied, "My PR machine is working on that as we speak. Really, the economic viability of this franchise is not based solely on the ticket sales. We have concessions and luxury boxes and merchandising to make up the gap between the gate numbers and the operating expenses."
In what the team has called an unrelated move, the cost of some items have recently seen a slight uptick in cost. A twenty ounce beer that used to cost seven dollars now costs three hundred dollars. Said Checketts, "This cost increase is not due to the poor attendance and high salaries. There has been an increase in the costs of beer from the distributors that was a little unexpected and, sadly, we have to pass this on to the consumer. We decided to upgrade from Bud Light and Budweiser to bring better product than before. You would be shocked how many people are buying these new and improved beers." Gas chromatography has revealed that the beers being sold are actually Pabst and Miller High Life, to which Checketts retorted, "Your GC must be broken."
Also, replica jerseys have gone up in price from fifty dollars to nine thousand dollars. Checketts has blamed this on "a rise labor costs in Honduras and Malaysia, not on poor ticket revenues." The same can be said for the souveneir pucks going up from three dollars to eighty dollars, as well as for the posters increasing from five dollars to one hundred dollars. "That damned poster ink has gotten pricey," noted Checketts.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Although the team reloaded with some former superstars, many of whom used to be great back in the late 1990's, the fans have not yet returned. The seating capacity at the ScottTrade/Savvis/Kiel Center is a little over twenty thousand, but less than half of that has been coming to the games. Owner Dave Checketts, reached for comment, noted, "We have been competing with Rams football and playoff Cardinal baseball. Of course we will have some empty seats here and there. Overall, I am quite pleased with the attendance."
Checketts was then asked what excuse he will use for the empty seats after the World Series has ended and on days the Rams are not playing, to which he replied, "My PR machine is working on that as we speak. Really, the economic viability of this franchise is not based solely on the ticket sales. We have concessions and luxury boxes and merchandising to make up the gap between the gate numbers and the operating expenses."
In what the team has called an unrelated move, the cost of some items have recently seen a slight uptick in cost. A twenty ounce beer that used to cost seven dollars now costs three hundred dollars. Said Checketts, "This cost increase is not due to the poor attendance and high salaries. There has been an increase in the costs of beer from the distributors that was a little unexpected and, sadly, we have to pass this on to the consumer. We decided to upgrade from Bud Light and Budweiser to bring better product than before. You would be shocked how many people are buying these new and improved beers." Gas chromatography has revealed that the beers being sold are actually Pabst and Miller High Life, to which Checketts retorted, "Your GC must be broken."
Also, replica jerseys have gone up in price from fifty dollars to nine thousand dollars. Checketts has blamed this on "a rise labor costs in Honduras and Malaysia, not on poor ticket revenues." The same can be said for the souveneir pucks going up from three dollars to eighty dollars, as well as for the posters increasing from five dollars to one hundred dollars. "That damned poster ink has gotten pricey," noted Checketts.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Tim McCarver makes non-obvious statement during broadcast
Tim McCarver has been in the broadcast booth for the FOX network during the National League Championship Series, partnering with Joe Buck and Luis Gonzales. McCarver has been making some astute observations during the game that have wowed the fans and earned him the admiration of his fellow announcers. His grasp of the blatantly non-obvious is quite impressive, indeed.
For example, after the Mets fell behind by five runs early in the third game of the series, McCarver noted, "This isn't the way the Mets wanted to come out in this game." Luis Gonzales reacted by congratulating McCarver for his excellent observation. It was in fact a great observation because many teams do actually like to give up as many as a dozen runs early in playoff games on the road with the series tied so that their crushing comeback is all the more dramatic. But McCarver used his old-time baseball knowledge to bring out the true story behind the game.
In the broadcast during the late innings in the fourth game, the Mets had crushed several homeruns and gotten many hits and runs off of the weary Cardinals bullpen. This drubbing happened in just two terrible innings. During the eigth inning, McCarver added, "The Mets have hit the Cardinals bullpen well these last two innings. They really scored some runs." Joe Buck, in awe, replied, without a drop of sarcasm, "Wow, Tim! You are the greatest baseball broadcaster ever! Why do I even come into the booth? You could do this whole thing by yourself!"
McCarver, upon the Cardinals taking a three games to two lead in the series, commented to an amazed and impressed television audience, "The Mets need to win the next two games to get to the World Series."
In the same style of broadcasting as John Madden, McCarver hopes to become the same revered broadcaster as the football hall of famer. On his mentor, Tim noted, "Here is a classic Madden moment: The home team is down by three with possession of the football. Madden states, 'See, the quarterback throws the ball to the receiver and he runs into the endzone and that's a touchdown, right there. Six points. Six points gives them the lead, since they are down by three right now.' That is great stuff and I hope to live up to that standard."
[This story is a satire of public figures. But, yes, McCarver has made some very idiotic and obvious statements as a broadcaster. Just listen to him, if you can bear it, for a little while.]
For example, after the Mets fell behind by five runs early in the third game of the series, McCarver noted, "This isn't the way the Mets wanted to come out in this game." Luis Gonzales reacted by congratulating McCarver for his excellent observation. It was in fact a great observation because many teams do actually like to give up as many as a dozen runs early in playoff games on the road with the series tied so that their crushing comeback is all the more dramatic. But McCarver used his old-time baseball knowledge to bring out the true story behind the game.
In the broadcast during the late innings in the fourth game, the Mets had crushed several homeruns and gotten many hits and runs off of the weary Cardinals bullpen. This drubbing happened in just two terrible innings. During the eigth inning, McCarver added, "The Mets have hit the Cardinals bullpen well these last two innings. They really scored some runs." Joe Buck, in awe, replied, without a drop of sarcasm, "Wow, Tim! You are the greatest baseball broadcaster ever! Why do I even come into the booth? You could do this whole thing by yourself!"
McCarver, upon the Cardinals taking a three games to two lead in the series, commented to an amazed and impressed television audience, "The Mets need to win the next two games to get to the World Series."
In the same style of broadcasting as John Madden, McCarver hopes to become the same revered broadcaster as the football hall of famer. On his mentor, Tim noted, "Here is a classic Madden moment: The home team is down by three with possession of the football. Madden states, 'See, the quarterback throws the ball to the receiver and he runs into the endzone and that's a touchdown, right there. Six points. Six points gives them the lead, since they are down by three right now.' That is great stuff and I hope to live up to that standard."
[This story is a satire of public figures. But, yes, McCarver has made some very idiotic and obvious statements as a broadcaster. Just listen to him, if you can bear it, for a little while.]
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Jim Leyland wishes Tony LaRussa good luck
Detroit Tigers manager Jim Leyland and Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa are very good friends, often calling each other during the season to talk and discuss baseball. They have known each other for many years, and Leyland served as a special scout in the Cardinals organization up until recently when he took the helm in Detroit. In fact, LaRussa was rumored to be one of the people who highly recommended Leyland for the Tigers job.
Leyland has openly discussed how happy he would be if LaRussa's Cardinals advanced to the World Series to face his Tigers. "Yes, I would love to meet Tony in the championship," commented Leyland. "What, he has been swept in three out of his four World Series appearances? Yeah, I would love to see him in the classic against us. Plus, who the hell wants to face the Mets hitters? Good gravy! I am hoping and praying for the Redbirds to get past the Mets. Please do us a favor, St. Louis!"
Said Leyland on the excitement in the city of Detroit, "We are certainly the hot topic of conversation here in Motown. Usually it is the great basketball or hockey or the terrible football that gets the city's sports attention. I am quite pleased." Leyland went on to note, "And with a chance to win the Series, the police have been stepping up security lately, as they should. I mean, hell, this IS Detroit."
Continuing, Leyland added, "This city didn't really get a chance to riot when the Pistons won, due to the high police presence. And hockey fans aren't really rioters, at least not here in America. But baseball is somewhere in between. Maybe there will be a riot, maybe not. It is kind of exciting. And what is really interesting is that the city would probably riot in celebration if we win, and it would probably riot in anger if we lost. The police chief is really not happy with me right now. He enjoyed those hundred loss seasons."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Leyland has openly discussed how happy he would be if LaRussa's Cardinals advanced to the World Series to face his Tigers. "Yes, I would love to meet Tony in the championship," commented Leyland. "What, he has been swept in three out of his four World Series appearances? Yeah, I would love to see him in the classic against us. Plus, who the hell wants to face the Mets hitters? Good gravy! I am hoping and praying for the Redbirds to get past the Mets. Please do us a favor, St. Louis!"
Said Leyland on the excitement in the city of Detroit, "We are certainly the hot topic of conversation here in Motown. Usually it is the great basketball or hockey or the terrible football that gets the city's sports attention. I am quite pleased." Leyland went on to note, "And with a chance to win the Series, the police have been stepping up security lately, as they should. I mean, hell, this IS Detroit."
Continuing, Leyland added, "This city didn't really get a chance to riot when the Pistons won, due to the high police presence. And hockey fans aren't really rioters, at least not here in America. But baseball is somewhere in between. Maybe there will be a riot, maybe not. It is kind of exciting. And what is really interesting is that the city would probably riot in celebration if we win, and it would probably riot in anger if we lost. The police chief is really not happy with me right now. He enjoyed those hundred loss seasons."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Monday, October 16, 2006
Memo to Mets fans
Dear Mets Fan,
Stlsports went to last night's bullpen beatdown in St. Louis, and it was disgusting. Not as disgusting, however, as the foul-mouthed, obnoxious Mets fans that showed up to St. Louis to root on their team, including you. A handful of these slovenly, unshaven, overweight, drunken degenerates made the trek down from New York, having taken time off from their jobs as delivery truck drivers, janitors and construction workers.
What is baseball heaven? Attending a playoff game in the beautiful new stadium in the best baseball city in the world. What is baseball hell? Sitting next to you, Mets Fan. Nothing like giving up a month of your salary for tickets and travel expenses so you can come down to another city and shout profanities from a whole new venue.
I guess the Mets fans are just sick of their team being the ugly stepsister to the Yankees. Maybe that's why they are so obnoxious. Maybe that's why they need about ten beers at the game. Sorry, Mets Fan, no Pabst or Stag on tap at Busch. Sorry, Mets Fan, no smoking cigars or stogies in the stands at Busch. Sorry, Mets Fan, no one is (probably) going to stab you or rob you on the way back to your hotel. Sorry, Mets Fan, but you have to deal with life here in the Midwest for one more night.
Hey Mets Fan, feel free to come up with a better insult than, "Hey, [Cardinal player], you suck!" It's what I heard all night. It's what I heard on each televised game from Shea. It's what everyone who has ever been to a game at that god-awful stadium has heard. "You suck!" Wow. Way to go, Mets Fan.
Feeling optomistic about tonight's game, Mets Fan? Hey, how well does Tom Glavine pitch on short rest? We could ask Leo Mazzone and Bobby Cox about that. Then what? Steve 'Batting Practice' Trachsel lined up for Game 7? Some other nobody, no-name pitcher ready for Game 6? Good luck, Mets.
Memo to Mets Fan: Shut the hell up.
How about another underdog reaching the World Series this year? How about the Mets watching the World Series from the comfort of their own homes? We can only hope.
Signed,
Cardinals Fan
Stlsports went to last night's bullpen beatdown in St. Louis, and it was disgusting. Not as disgusting, however, as the foul-mouthed, obnoxious Mets fans that showed up to St. Louis to root on their team, including you. A handful of these slovenly, unshaven, overweight, drunken degenerates made the trek down from New York, having taken time off from their jobs as delivery truck drivers, janitors and construction workers.
What is baseball heaven? Attending a playoff game in the beautiful new stadium in the best baseball city in the world. What is baseball hell? Sitting next to you, Mets Fan. Nothing like giving up a month of your salary for tickets and travel expenses so you can come down to another city and shout profanities from a whole new venue.
I guess the Mets fans are just sick of their team being the ugly stepsister to the Yankees. Maybe that's why they are so obnoxious. Maybe that's why they need about ten beers at the game. Sorry, Mets Fan, no Pabst or Stag on tap at Busch. Sorry, Mets Fan, no smoking cigars or stogies in the stands at Busch. Sorry, Mets Fan, no one is (probably) going to stab you or rob you on the way back to your hotel. Sorry, Mets Fan, but you have to deal with life here in the Midwest for one more night.
Hey Mets Fan, feel free to come up with a better insult than, "Hey, [Cardinal player], you suck!" It's what I heard all night. It's what I heard on each televised game from Shea. It's what everyone who has ever been to a game at that god-awful stadium has heard. "You suck!" Wow. Way to go, Mets Fan.
Feeling optomistic about tonight's game, Mets Fan? Hey, how well does Tom Glavine pitch on short rest? We could ask Leo Mazzone and Bobby Cox about that. Then what? Steve 'Batting Practice' Trachsel lined up for Game 7? Some other nobody, no-name pitcher ready for Game 6? Good luck, Mets.
Memo to Mets Fan: Shut the hell up.
How about another underdog reaching the World Series this year? How about the Mets watching the World Series from the comfort of their own homes? We can only hope.
Signed,
Cardinals Fan
Friday, October 13, 2006
Steven Jackson: I'm not that other Stephen Jackson
At a recent Rams press conference, starting running back Steven Jackson was taking some tough questioning from local sports reporters. A seemingly high amount of national coverage was present for the event. Some confusion and frustration was evident on both sides as the inverview unfolded, and the transcript is reproduced below:
Steven Jackson: What's up, everybody. I assume the extra national media attention here is due to the fact that I am leading the league in all-purpose yards. Booyah!
Reporter #1: Steven, I want to address the criminal charges that were filed against you today.
Jackson: What the hell are you talking about?
Reporter #1: When you entered the not guilty plea, what was going through your mind?
Jackson: I think you are looking for someone else. I haven't been charged with any crimes and I don't have any idea what you mean. I thought we were here to talk some football! How about the Seahawks game this weekend?
Reporter #2: Steven, please don't dodge our questions. Now, about this strip club parking lot shooting, can you please tell us what you were doing with that nine millimeter gun at the club in the middle of the night?
Jackson: Oh my goodness, you are an idiot. I am not that Stephen Jackson. How could you be so stupid?
Reporter #1: So is it true, then, that you fired your pistol into the air? You know, Steven, those bullets have to come down sometime. They could have hit someone, perhaps even a child. Don't you think that was a little irresponsible?
Jackson: What's irresponsible is asking these idiotic questions of the wrong person. I spell my name with a 'v' and the other Stephen Jackson spells it with a 'ph'. I play football, and he plays basketball. I am here in St. Louis and he is in Indianapolis. Do we have that clear?
Reporter #2: The only thing that I don't have clear is why you were at this strip club in the middle of the night while armed with a pistol. I mean, what good can come from such a series of bad decisions?
Jackson: If you want to see a pistol go off, keep talking like a moron.
Reporter #1: Since the infamous brawl, why haven't you changed your poor behavior, either on or off the court?
Jackson: I play on a field, fool! Not on a damn basketball court? Now I better start hearing some questions about the suspect Seahawks defensive line I plan on running through this weekend, or this interview is going to turn ugly!
Reporter #3: So are you saying that you plan on shooting at or fighting with members of this 'defensive line' you are speaking of?
Jackson: That's it! [Screaming noises.]
Jackson went on to "beat some ignorant reporter ass" and repeatedly noted, "If you talk like a bitch, you are going to get slapped like a bitch." Rams officials have been slow to respond to this incident and Coach Linehan has scheduled a March 2007 press conference to discuss the matter.
[This story is a satire of public figures. None of this happened. Duh!]
Steven Jackson: What's up, everybody. I assume the extra national media attention here is due to the fact that I am leading the league in all-purpose yards. Booyah!
Reporter #1: Steven, I want to address the criminal charges that were filed against you today.
Jackson: What the hell are you talking about?
Reporter #1: When you entered the not guilty plea, what was going through your mind?
Jackson: I think you are looking for someone else. I haven't been charged with any crimes and I don't have any idea what you mean. I thought we were here to talk some football! How about the Seahawks game this weekend?
Reporter #2: Steven, please don't dodge our questions. Now, about this strip club parking lot shooting, can you please tell us what you were doing with that nine millimeter gun at the club in the middle of the night?
Jackson: Oh my goodness, you are an idiot. I am not that Stephen Jackson. How could you be so stupid?
Reporter #1: So is it true, then, that you fired your pistol into the air? You know, Steven, those bullets have to come down sometime. They could have hit someone, perhaps even a child. Don't you think that was a little irresponsible?
Jackson: What's irresponsible is asking these idiotic questions of the wrong person. I spell my name with a 'v' and the other Stephen Jackson spells it with a 'ph'. I play football, and he plays basketball. I am here in St. Louis and he is in Indianapolis. Do we have that clear?
Reporter #2: The only thing that I don't have clear is why you were at this strip club in the middle of the night while armed with a pistol. I mean, what good can come from such a series of bad decisions?
Jackson: If you want to see a pistol go off, keep talking like a moron.
Reporter #1: Since the infamous brawl, why haven't you changed your poor behavior, either on or off the court?
Jackson: I play on a field, fool! Not on a damn basketball court? Now I better start hearing some questions about the suspect Seahawks defensive line I plan on running through this weekend, or this interview is going to turn ugly!
Reporter #3: So are you saying that you plan on shooting at or fighting with members of this 'defensive line' you are speaking of?
Jackson: That's it! [Screaming noises.]
Jackson went on to "beat some ignorant reporter ass" and repeatedly noted, "If you talk like a bitch, you are going to get slapped like a bitch." Rams officials have been slow to respond to this incident and Coach Linehan has scheduled a March 2007 press conference to discuss the matter.
[This story is a satire of public figures. None of this happened. Duh!]
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Interview: Pronger and McGwire
Saint Louis has seen its fair share of sports superstars come and go. Usually these superstars are run out of town by us slick small towners who desire a hard-nosed work ethic for minimal compensation. The high profile me-first attitude of typical pro sports stars doesn't fly well here, and thus many greedy media hogs and shameless self-promoters are shown the proverbial door. Players such as Kurt Warner, Jerome Bettis, Brendan Shanahan and Willie McGee who were always talking about themselves and making others feel like fools had short life spans here.
Two more similar players are Chris Pronger and Mark McGwire. Pronger spent several seasons here playing defense for the Blues, amassing a Norris Trophy [translation = top defensive player] and a Hart Trophy [translation = most valuable player], and managed to lead the Blues to the playoffs each season. Most intelligent people consider Pronger, however, the reason that the team has never won a Stanley Cup, despite a string of a quarter century of playoff appearances, dating to Pronger's childhood. McGwire simply saved baseball while wearing a Cardinals uniform. Years after allegedly letting Jose Canseco stick at the very least some needles in his butt in bathroom stalls, his alleged supplement-fueled tirade against the American baseball created an aura of back acne and fame that he has been hiding from for years.
Pronger now plays for the Los Angeles Mighty Ducks of Anaheim of Disney and McGwire now plays golf, while also living reclusively in Anaheim. The two are neighbors and close friends. In fact, it is rumored that the reason Pronger now wears 25 on his jersey is in honor of McGwire. The two recently had an interview on ESPN about their time in St. Louis, and a transcript is excerpted below:
Chris Berman: Thanks for joining me today, fellas!
McGwire: No problem, Boomer.
Pronger: Sure thing.
Berman: So you guys played in St. Louis at the same time. Mark with the Redbirds and Chris with the Blues. How did you enjoy your time there?
McGwire: I'm not here to talk about my time in St. Louis
Pronger: I'm pretty sure that's exactly why we are doing the inverview, Mark.
Berman: Yeah. You told me you would come down here and discuss it.
McGwire: Listen, I am willing to become a spokesman for the St. Louis tourism group or something and help people understand what a great place it is, but my past in St. Louis is really not why I am here.
Pronger: Whatever, man. The thing I remember most from my time in St. Louis is how weird the water tasted. Really strange. Which river did they dredge to get that tap water from? Blech. I cringe thinking about it.
Berman: That's it? How the water tasted? How about you, Mark?
McGwire: You know, the water taste I could deal with. It was that funky smell whenever the wind blew from the west. I don't know what they have out there, if it is a hog rendering plant or fifty thousand chicken coops or what, but it stunk quite often in the city. And not just at the stadium, but all over the place. The people there are all used to it, but it is really strange to me. I hated it.
Pronger: Yeah, I almost forgot about that smell. That was awful. And the roads sucked. Oh, and you don't want to forget about the crime. Gotta love the crime. You know, in Canada, we don't have crime. None.
Berman: Maybe my question was too vague. Let's focus on the time with your respective teams.
McGwire: Well I remember getting pulled from my last at bat to be pinch hit for by Kerry Robinson. I certainly remember that bullshit. That dude was skinnier than one of my legs ... and that's before I began legally using non-banned substances! What a way to end my career. I might as well have ended my career by letting a home run bounce off of my head. Or maybe by having my pants fall down while I ran out a ground ball to first base. Far less humiliating than to be pinch hit for by Kerry Frickin Robinson.
Pronger: I remember losing each year. Lots of losing in the post-season. Sure, we played some kick assed regular season games. But those playoffs were a different story. to end each and every season with a crushing loss, that just stunk. I would have hated to have been a fan. Whew, am I glad that nightmare is over.
Berman: So, in retrospect, if I have this correctly, you guys have mixed feelings about your playing days there?
McGwire: If by mixed feelings, you mean, I don't want to talk about it or return to that city, then yes I have mixed feelings.
Pronger: Ditto that.
Berman: But now you are both close friends in Anaheim, correct? What's that like?
McGwire: I go to the Ducks games and support Chris. I have a lot to learn about hockey. Did you know they play it on ice?
Berman: Yeah, I heard that. How about you, Chris?
McGwire: My goodness, those wacky Canadians! What a game to invent. Well when your whole country is all made of ice, what are you going to do?
Pronger: You know, Mark, Canada isn't really just made of ice. We have rocky mountains, just like America. We have forests and lakes and rivers, just like America. It can get hot in Canada from time to time.
McGwire: Excuse me, Chris, but I think I know a little something about geography.
Pronger: Have you ever been to Canada?
McGwire: I have a supplement guy up there. Apparently he can only sell his stuff in Canada. Don't know why that is. Those wacky northerners and their crazy health supplements! I love that crazy country!
Pronger: Perhaps I should rethink this friendship, as it seems you don't respect my country.
McGwire: You mean 'The 51st State'?
Berman: Gentemen, I think we got a little off topic here. Let's end it there! Thanks for coming!
[This story is a satire of public figures and of course this interview never really happened. Wow this is long.]
[Oh, and kiss my butt, Canada!]
Two more similar players are Chris Pronger and Mark McGwire. Pronger spent several seasons here playing defense for the Blues, amassing a Norris Trophy [translation = top defensive player] and a Hart Trophy [translation = most valuable player], and managed to lead the Blues to the playoffs each season. Most intelligent people consider Pronger, however, the reason that the team has never won a Stanley Cup, despite a string of a quarter century of playoff appearances, dating to Pronger's childhood. McGwire simply saved baseball while wearing a Cardinals uniform. Years after allegedly letting Jose Canseco stick at the very least some needles in his butt in bathroom stalls, his alleged supplement-fueled tirade against the American baseball created an aura of back acne and fame that he has been hiding from for years.
Pronger now plays for the Los Angeles Mighty Ducks of Anaheim of Disney and McGwire now plays golf, while also living reclusively in Anaheim. The two are neighbors and close friends. In fact, it is rumored that the reason Pronger now wears 25 on his jersey is in honor of McGwire. The two recently had an interview on ESPN about their time in St. Louis, and a transcript is excerpted below:
Chris Berman: Thanks for joining me today, fellas!
McGwire: No problem, Boomer.
Pronger: Sure thing.
Berman: So you guys played in St. Louis at the same time. Mark with the Redbirds and Chris with the Blues. How did you enjoy your time there?
McGwire: I'm not here to talk about my time in St. Louis
Pronger: I'm pretty sure that's exactly why we are doing the inverview, Mark.
Berman: Yeah. You told me you would come down here and discuss it.
McGwire: Listen, I am willing to become a spokesman for the St. Louis tourism group or something and help people understand what a great place it is, but my past in St. Louis is really not why I am here.
Pronger: Whatever, man. The thing I remember most from my time in St. Louis is how weird the water tasted. Really strange. Which river did they dredge to get that tap water from? Blech. I cringe thinking about it.
Berman: That's it? How the water tasted? How about you, Mark?
McGwire: You know, the water taste I could deal with. It was that funky smell whenever the wind blew from the west. I don't know what they have out there, if it is a hog rendering plant or fifty thousand chicken coops or what, but it stunk quite often in the city. And not just at the stadium, but all over the place. The people there are all used to it, but it is really strange to me. I hated it.
Pronger: Yeah, I almost forgot about that smell. That was awful. And the roads sucked. Oh, and you don't want to forget about the crime. Gotta love the crime. You know, in Canada, we don't have crime. None.
Berman: Maybe my question was too vague. Let's focus on the time with your respective teams.
McGwire: Well I remember getting pulled from my last at bat to be pinch hit for by Kerry Robinson. I certainly remember that bullshit. That dude was skinnier than one of my legs ... and that's before I began legally using non-banned substances! What a way to end my career. I might as well have ended my career by letting a home run bounce off of my head. Or maybe by having my pants fall down while I ran out a ground ball to first base. Far less humiliating than to be pinch hit for by Kerry Frickin Robinson.
Pronger: I remember losing each year. Lots of losing in the post-season. Sure, we played some kick assed regular season games. But those playoffs were a different story. to end each and every season with a crushing loss, that just stunk. I would have hated to have been a fan. Whew, am I glad that nightmare is over.
Berman: So, in retrospect, if I have this correctly, you guys have mixed feelings about your playing days there?
McGwire: If by mixed feelings, you mean, I don't want to talk about it or return to that city, then yes I have mixed feelings.
Pronger: Ditto that.
Berman: But now you are both close friends in Anaheim, correct? What's that like?
McGwire: I go to the Ducks games and support Chris. I have a lot to learn about hockey. Did you know they play it on ice?
Berman: Yeah, I heard that. How about you, Chris?
McGwire: My goodness, those wacky Canadians! What a game to invent. Well when your whole country is all made of ice, what are you going to do?
Pronger: You know, Mark, Canada isn't really just made of ice. We have rocky mountains, just like America. We have forests and lakes and rivers, just like America. It can get hot in Canada from time to time.
McGwire: Excuse me, Chris, but I think I know a little something about geography.
Pronger: Have you ever been to Canada?
McGwire: I have a supplement guy up there. Apparently he can only sell his stuff in Canada. Don't know why that is. Those wacky northerners and their crazy health supplements! I love that crazy country!
Pronger: Perhaps I should rethink this friendship, as it seems you don't respect my country.
McGwire: You mean 'The 51st State'?
Berman: Gentemen, I think we got a little off topic here. Let's end it there! Thanks for coming!
[This story is a satire of public figures and of course this interview never really happened. Wow this is long.]
[Oh, and kiss my butt, Canada!]
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