Interview: Pronger and McGwire

Saint Louis has seen its fair share of sports superstars come and go. Usually these superstars are run out of town by us slick small towners who desire a hard-nosed work ethic for minimal compensation. The high profile me-first attitude of typical pro sports stars doesn't fly well here, and thus many greedy media hogs and shameless self-promoters are shown the proverbial door. Players such as Kurt Warner, Jerome Bettis, Brendan Shanahan and Willie McGee who were always talking about themselves and making others feel like fools had short life spans here.

Two more similar players are Chris Pronger and Mark McGwire. Pronger spent several seasons here playing defense for the Blues, amassing a Norris Trophy [translation = top defensive player] and a Hart Trophy [translation = most valuable player], and managed to lead the Blues to the playoffs each season. Most intelligent people consider Pronger, however, the reason that the team has never won a Stanley Cup, despite a string of a quarter century of playoff appearances, dating to Pronger's childhood. McGwire simply saved baseball while wearing a Cardinals uniform. Years after allegedly letting Jose Canseco stick at the very least some needles in his butt in bathroom stalls, his alleged supplement-fueled tirade against the American baseball created an aura of back acne and fame that he has been hiding from for years.

Pronger now plays for the Los Angeles Mighty Ducks of Anaheim of Disney and McGwire now plays golf, while also living reclusively in Anaheim. The two are neighbors and close friends. In fact, it is rumored that the reason Pronger now wears 25 on his jersey is in honor of McGwire. The two recently had an interview on ESPN about their time in St. Louis, and a transcript is excerpted below:

Chris Berman: Thanks for joining me today, fellas!

McGwire: No problem, Boomer.

Pronger: Sure thing.

Berman: So you guys played in St. Louis at the same time. Mark with the Redbirds and Chris with the Blues. How did you enjoy your time there?

McGwire: I'm not here to talk about my time in St. Louis

Pronger: I'm pretty sure that's exactly why we are doing the inverview, Mark.

Berman: Yeah. You told me you would come down here and discuss it.

McGwire: Listen, I am willing to become a spokesman for the St. Louis tourism group or something and help people understand what a great place it is, but my past in St. Louis is really not why I am here.

Pronger: Whatever, man. The thing I remember most from my time in St. Louis is how weird the water tasted. Really strange. Which river did they dredge to get that tap water from? Blech. I cringe thinking about it.

Berman: That's it? How the water tasted? How about you, Mark?

McGwire: You know, the water taste I could deal with. It was that funky smell whenever the wind blew from the west. I don't know what they have out there, if it is a hog rendering plant or fifty thousand chicken coops or what, but it stunk quite often in the city. And not just at the stadium, but all over the place. The people there are all used to it, but it is really strange to me. I hated it.

Pronger: Yeah, I almost forgot about that smell. That was awful. And the roads sucked. Oh, and you don't want to forget about the crime. Gotta love the crime. You know, in Canada, we don't have crime. None.

Berman: Maybe my question was too vague. Let's focus on the time with your respective teams.

McGwire: Well I remember getting pulled from my last at bat to be pinch hit for by Kerry Robinson. I certainly remember that bullshit. That dude was skinnier than one of my legs ... and that's before I began legally using non-banned substances! What a way to end my career. I might as well have ended my career by letting a home run bounce off of my head. Or maybe by having my pants fall down while I ran out a ground ball to first base. Far less humiliating than to be pinch hit for by Kerry Frickin Robinson.

Pronger: I remember losing each year. Lots of losing in the post-season. Sure, we played some kick assed regular season games. But those playoffs were a different story. to end each and every season with a crushing loss, that just stunk. I would have hated to have been a fan. Whew, am I glad that nightmare is over.

Berman: So, in retrospect, if I have this correctly, you guys have mixed feelings about your playing days there?

McGwire: If by mixed feelings, you mean, I don't want to talk about it or return to that city, then yes I have mixed feelings.

Pronger: Ditto that.

Berman: But now you are both close friends in Anaheim, correct? What's that like?

McGwire: I go to the Ducks games and support Chris. I have a lot to learn about hockey. Did you know they play it on ice?

Berman: Yeah, I heard that. How about you, Chris?

McGwire: My goodness, those wacky Canadians! What a game to invent. Well when your whole country is all made of ice, what are you going to do?

Pronger: You know, Mark, Canada isn't really just made of ice. We have rocky mountains, just like America. We have forests and lakes and rivers, just like America. It can get hot in Canada from time to time.

McGwire: Excuse me, Chris, but I think I know a little something about geography.

Pronger: Have you ever been to Canada?

McGwire: I have a supplement guy up there. Apparently he can only sell his stuff in Canada. Don't know why that is. Those wacky northerners and their crazy health supplements! I love that crazy country!

Pronger: Perhaps I should rethink this friendship, as it seems you don't respect my country.

McGwire: You mean 'The 51st State'?

Berman: Gentemen, I think we got a little off topic here. Let's end it there! Thanks for coming!

[This story is a satire of public figures and of course this interview never really happened. Wow this is long.]

[Oh, and kiss my butt, Canada!]