At a recent Rams press conference, starting running back Steven Jackson was taking some tough questioning from local sports reporters. A seemingly high amount of national coverage was present for the event. Some confusion and frustration was evident on both sides as the inverview unfolded, and the transcript is reproduced below:
Steven Jackson: What's up, everybody. I assume the extra national media attention here is due to the fact that I am leading the league in all-purpose yards. Booyah!
Reporter #1: Steven, I want to address the criminal charges that were filed against you today.
Jackson: What the hell are you talking about?
Reporter #1: When you entered the not guilty plea, what was going through your mind?
Jackson: I think you are looking for someone else. I haven't been charged with any crimes and I don't have any idea what you mean. I thought we were here to talk some football! How about the Seahawks game this weekend?
Reporter #2: Steven, please don't dodge our questions. Now, about this strip club parking lot shooting, can you please tell us what you were doing with that nine millimeter gun at the club in the middle of the night?
Jackson: Oh my goodness, you are an idiot. I am not that Stephen Jackson. How could you be so stupid?
Reporter #1: So is it true, then, that you fired your pistol into the air? You know, Steven, those bullets have to come down sometime. They could have hit someone, perhaps even a child. Don't you think that was a little irresponsible?
Jackson: What's irresponsible is asking these idiotic questions of the wrong person. I spell my name with a 'v' and the other Stephen Jackson spells it with a 'ph'. I play football, and he plays basketball. I am here in St. Louis and he is in Indianapolis. Do we have that clear?
Reporter #2: The only thing that I don't have clear is why you were at this strip club in the middle of the night while armed with a pistol. I mean, what good can come from such a series of bad decisions?
Jackson: If you want to see a pistol go off, keep talking like a moron.
Reporter #1: Since the infamous brawl, why haven't you changed your poor behavior, either on or off the court?
Jackson: I play on a field, fool! Not on a damn basketball court? Now I better start hearing some questions about the suspect Seahawks defensive line I plan on running through this weekend, or this interview is going to turn ugly!
Reporter #3: So are you saying that you plan on shooting at or fighting with members of this 'defensive line' you are speaking of?
Jackson: That's it! [Screaming noises.]
Jackson went on to "beat some ignorant reporter ass" and repeatedly noted, "If you talk like a bitch, you are going to get slapped like a bitch." Rams officials have been slow to respond to this incident and Coach Linehan has scheduled a March 2007 press conference to discuss the matter.
[This story is a satire of public figures. None of this happened. Duh!]
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