Interview: Kenny Rogers

Since the middle of the first inning of the second game of the 2006 World Series, everyone has wanted to know what the brown substance on Kenny Rogers' pitching hand was. Some speculate that it was pine tar, while Rogers claimed it was a clump of dirt. Conspiracy theorists have irresponsibly jumped the gun and asked a series of obnoxious rhetorical questions of Rogers and his alleged cheating. While irresponsible journalism has its place, like in politics, it has no place here in the realm of sports.

Finally, after hours of speculation, Rogers has agreed to discuss the matter with Stlsports to once and for all put an end to the issue. As is usually the case, this blog has scooped the so-called insiders and the rest of the national media. A transcript of the interview follows:

Stlsports: Thanks for agreeing to meet with me, Kenny.

Kenny Rogers: No problem. I just want to clear the air once and for all.

Stlsports: So, let's just get right to it. The entire sports world wants to know: What was that substance on your pitching hand in the first inning of game two of the 2006 World Series against the Cardinals in Detroit?

Rogers: Poop.

Stlsports: Excuse me, did you say poop?

Rogers: Yes, poop.

Stlsports: Uh, would you care to elaborate?

Rogers: I mean, what else is there to say?

Stlsports: Well, I can think of a couple follow-up questions. First, how did it get there? Was it your own? If not, whose was it? Was it there intentionally? Why was it there? Did it give you a competitive advantage?

Rogers: Well, yes, it was my own.

Stlsports: And why in good God was it on your hand?

Rogers: The bathroom stall in the clubhouse was out of T.P., and the game was about to start, and so I ...

Stlsports: Wow, I think that about does it, Kenny.

Rogers: I thought you had some more questions.

Stlsports: No, really, I'm fine. Please leave and don't touch me.

Rogers: I just don't want people to think I cheated.

Stlsports: Whatever, man, just get out of my studio and don't touch anything on the way out.

Rogers: Do you want your pen back?

Stlsports: Just keep it and get out.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]