Empty seats not a concern for Checketts

The Saint Louis Blues are on the rebound. After breaking their futile string of twenty five consecutive seasons with a playoff appearance (and without an appearance in the Stanley Cup Finals), the team is trying to win back the local fan base. A few seasons ago, the labor union decided to go on strike and the owners decided to lock them out preemptively. Then the team sold off most of the good players and tanked it, coming in dead last, even behind the Blackhawks. But new ownership is here and they plan to restore the pride in Blues hockey.

Although the team reloaded with some former superstars, many of whom used to be great back in the late 1990's, the fans have not yet returned. The seating capacity at the ScottTrade/Savvis/Kiel Center is a little over twenty thousand, but less than half of that has been coming to the games. Owner Dave Checketts, reached for comment, noted, "We have been competing with Rams football and playoff Cardinal baseball. Of course we will have some empty seats here and there. Overall, I am quite pleased with the attendance."

Checketts was then asked what excuse he will use for the empty seats after the World Series has ended and on days the Rams are not playing, to which he replied, "My PR machine is working on that as we speak. Really, the economic viability of this franchise is not based solely on the ticket sales. We have concessions and luxury boxes and merchandising to make up the gap between the gate numbers and the operating expenses."

In what the team has called an unrelated move, the cost of some items have recently seen a slight uptick in cost. A twenty ounce beer that used to cost seven dollars now costs three hundred dollars. Said Checketts, "This cost increase is not due to the poor attendance and high salaries. There has been an increase in the costs of beer from the distributors that was a little unexpected and, sadly, we have to pass this on to the consumer. We decided to upgrade from Bud Light and Budweiser to bring better product than before. You would be shocked how many people are buying these new and improved beers." Gas chromatography has revealed that the beers being sold are actually Pabst and Miller High Life, to which Checketts retorted, "Your GC must be broken."

Also, replica jerseys have gone up in price from fifty dollars to nine thousand dollars. Checketts has blamed this on "a rise labor costs in Honduras and Malaysia, not on poor ticket revenues." The same can be said for the souveneir pucks going up from three dollars to eighty dollars, as well as for the posters increasing from five dollars to one hundred dollars. "That damned poster ink has gotten pricey," noted Checketts.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]