Lazyass takes elevator at ballgame

The fabulous new Busch stadium is not just a great place to watch a ballgame. It is also a great place to see giant, glowing advertisements, a great place to sit in seats that are a couple inches smaller from side-to-side than the old Busch, and a great place to buy beer at fourty cents an ounce, plus tip. One amazing feature that is regularly overlooked by those who would praise the genius of the design of that stadium is the inclusion of many elevators throughout the facility.

According to team management, these elevators have been put in place to help the 'differently-abled' and the enfeebled make their way to and from their seats without having to trek up endless up and down ramps. Said team Czar Bill DeWitt, "These were installed to make life a little easier on our older guests or people who have trouble moving around. We want to make sure that all of our fans can have a good time."

It has been noted, however, that some people recently have been taking these elevators who do not have anything wrong with them. Some people are just lazy, while others are drunk. A significant number are fans of sizeable girth who could actually stand to do a little walking. All of these fans, who have nothing stopping them from using their two legs that God gave them to get to their seats, are clogging these elevators and preventing those who need them from using them. In response to news of this behavior, DeWitt noted, "What lazy assholes. I bet those are the same people who are parking in the handicapped spots and putting up their grandparents' handicapped tag in the rearview mirror. If I see someone doing that, I am going to punch them in the mouth."

DeWitt continued, "I hate people who are so lazy. That is just totally rediculous." DeWitt was then picked up by his personal assistant and placed in a golf cart for the ride over to his office across the stadium. Before he left, and just as the foot massage maching turned on in the golf cart, he noted, "That is the type of dishonesty and bad attitude that has no place in this ballpark."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]