Commentary: Reaction to tonight's episode of 'Lost'

Tonight's episode of Lost on ABC featured, as usual, some strange twists and turns. I don't usually watch much else on television besides sports, but the wife likes Lost, so I entertain her addiction by indulging in this program with her every Wednesday night. I don't like her other favorite shows, such as the reprehensable America's Next Top Model, featuring the talentless sponge and worst actress/personality ever, Tyra Banks, which is a show that makes me want to stab myself in the face.

But I digress ...

The Lost episode this evening concluded with [Warning - Plot Line Disclosure] the creepy guy who is apparently in charge of the Others revealing to Jack that the Others do in fact have some contact with the outside world beyond the island. What does he use to prove his point? What piece of evidence is shown to Jack? How could you convince this distrusting hostage of the truth of your statements?

I know, let's show footage of the Cardinals getting swept in the World Series by the Red Sox. Well that sounds great, Others leader. I really appreciate it. ABC, how thoughtful. Just when I was beginning to forget about that nightmare, and after the Fever Pitch movie and Bill Simmons' book and Peter Gammons' constant gushing, you go and show the footage again.

Hey, ABC, I tripped the other day and cut my leg. It still hurts and there is a little bit of an open wound under the band-aid. Would you like to come over and rub some salt in it? You would? Great.

Now there is only one plot line in Lost that will satisfy me. It involves Jack, who admits that he hates the damned Red Sox, shoving that casette tape up the Others guy's ass. I don't even care if Jack does it because he loves the Yankees, but I have about had it with America's love affair with the Red Sox. Wow, they won. Let's move on. MoveOn.org needs to pick this cause up and run with it. Lets all move on. No more Red Sox. Say it all together: No More Red Sox.

Sigh. Thanks.

Howard Balzer named most attractive St. Louis sports radio personality

In a recent poll by St. Louis sports radio fans, Howard Balzer was named the Most Attractive Sports Radio Personality. Balzer is featured prominently on the ESPN 1380 AM radio station, particularly in the mid-morning hours. Any local on-air personality was included in the pool of people eligibe to receive votes, and Balzer was overwhelmingly selected by the fans. While this might seem like a glorios honor, Balzer is not exactly thrilled with the outcome.

When asked about the award, he commented, "Winning this award is not as great as you might think. Most people who go into radio as opposed to television do so because the camera lenses are, oh, let's just say, not so kind to them. Did you see the other people on this ballot? Jeff Gordon, Bernie Miklasz, Kevin Slaten, John Hadley and the list goes on. Good gravy. I mean, winning this is like being named Worlds Sexiest Octagenarian. Not a ton of good choices here."

Balzer continued, "And who came up with the idea for this stupid poll? Honestly, aren't there other things to talk about in St. Louis? How about the election in less than a month? Maybe some playoff baseball? Why are we doing a poll about radio personalities? This is really obnoxious. Not John Hadley obnoxious, but obnoxious nonetheless. That Hadley guy, whoo, don't get me started on him. At least I didn't lose to him in this poll. Talk about no-talent. What a complete ... But I digress. So let's not waste our time on stuff like this in the future, okay, St. Louis?"

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Fantasy football hurting online pornographers

As a famous national social commentator once noted, "The internet is good for three things: Looking stuff up, email and porn." This had been the law of the land until recently when pornographic websites began to lose their grip on the stranglehold of internet traffic to online fantasy sports. Several local adult smut purveyors have been feeling the pinch due to the large influx of non-porn related traffic on fantasy sports webpages. This has meant a decrease in business for some while other have reaped a huge benefit.

Reached for comment, local internet porno kingpin Roscoe Johnson noted, "We used to get a great deal of internet traffic from the hometown St. Louis crowd, but this fantasy football stuff has really cut into our bottom line. Nowadays people are logging on to their computers to get fantasy football stats instead of porn. I was so used to having thousands of hits on my dirty-assed webpages on Sundays, but no more. Sundays have gone from our best days to our worst." Sadly, too many fine reputable local internet small businesses have been feeeling the pinch with the growth of the fantasy sports industry. "It seems like no one has time for porno anymore, thanks to damned football," added Johnson.

The internet adult websites used to look at Sundays as their best opportunity to make money. Studies have shown that people would use pornography to help themselves forget about the 'preachy' lessons imposed upon them at church or some similar service.

Johnson continued, "It just seems like there is no place in the hearts and minds of so many when it comes to smut. Damned, you, pro football." On the upside, having a pro football team, and therefore pro football players, in town has helped out the local pornography retailers and the local adult dancing industry.

[This story is a satire. Similarities to persons living or dead is coincidental.]

"Lambeau Leap" not satisfying for Rams players

If there is a shrine to football, it is in Green Bay, Wisconsin at beautiful Lambeau Field. That's of course if you don't count the actual NFL-approved shrine to football in Canton, Ohio, but for the purposes of this article, Lambeau Field is it. Lambeau Field has housed some of the greatest teams in professional football history, including several Super Bowl winners. The Lombardi Trophy, given to the Super Bowl winner, is named after a Green Bay packer coach. Needless to say, there is a bunch of rich history in Green Bay.

One great tradition is for a player who scores a touchdown to leap into the stands at Lambeau to be greeted by the fans. This move has come to be known by the creative name 'The Lambeau Leap.' It is known by all and revered by the fans.

During last weekend's game against the Green Bay Packers, the hometown Rams managed to steal an important road win against a struggling team. Torry Holt, the Rams' top wide receiver, scored a crucial touchdown in the first half to help propel the team to victory. After scoring, Torry decided to try the Lambeau Leap. What happened next was less than pleasant, according to Holt.

Torry noted on his first ever Leap, "I jumped up into the stands and instead of getting patted on the back, these people were pinching me and poking me in the eyes. I think I also got stabbed in the ribs with a pocket knife or something." When told that the Leap was typically reserved for home team players, Holt commented, "Well, I know that now, but I have always thought it looked like fun. That still doesn't excuse the stabbing. Or the fact that someone poured a beer down the back of my pants and left the bottle in there. Someonel also put some poison ivy leaves up my shirt. Who the hell comes to a football game with a potpourri bag of poison ivy?"

When asked if he would be doing the Lambeau Leap again in future games, Holt added, "No I don't think so. Next time I score a touchdown I am going to do something else, like maybe pretend to moon the fans in those end zone seats. That will be much more satisfying."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Special Sunday Night Edition: Cardinals advance to NLCS!

In a stunning turn of events, the St. Louis Cardinals baseball squadron has advanced to the National League Championship Series for the twentieth time in the last ten years, certainly setting some kind of record. Another record setting performance came earlier this evening when I drank about twenty beers in the course of four hours. Needless to say, I am feeling pretty damned good. Or maybe it's pretty damned bad. Either way, too bad I don't live close enough to the eight hundred million dollar Metrolink extension to take it downtown to celebrate before work tomorrow.

The Cards relied upon timely hitting from Juan "Strikeout" Encarnacion, who somehow managed to hit with runners in scoring position. He has not gotten a hit with runners in scoring position since the 2003 World Series run with the Marlins. Amazing. And Chris Carpenter pitched so well that I am going to vote 'yes' on Proposition 2 in Missouri next month so that we can legally clone him with taxpayer money. That way he can pitch each game of the 2007 LCS (thanks to rapid growth technology) and ensure some big wins next fall.

God bless you, Albert Pujos. If I were you, I would go up to the announcer box and tell Tim 'Idiot' McCarver to shut the hell up. He called you 'Prince Albert' about fifty times during the course of the game. Go ahead, loyal readers, and google Prince Albert. [Editor's next-day note: Don't perform this search at work. Most certainly NSFW.] Tell me what sort of pictures are on the websites you see in the search results. Not so flattering. Stick with El Hombre and not with Painful Male Piercing.

On to the NLCS against a much more talented Mets team. This is a rematch of the 2000 NLCS. But, sorry, New York, you don't have Benny Agbayani on this team! You are sure to lose this series, you pond scum assbags!

Good luck, Redbirds. I think I need to go to the restroom now, whereupon I might become involuntarily ill. Thanks for a great season to this point!

Marquis looking forward to watching playoffs in person

Jason Marquis, starting pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals, was selected by manager Tony LaRussa for the post-season roster, to the surprise of many. Fans and media alike were convinced that Anthony Reyes, the promising rookie, would be the final pitcher on the roster in place of Marquis. Baffled by the move, LaRussa has been fielding relentless questions from reporters who are trying to figure out the logic of this move. Regardless of the criticism, Marquis is taking it all in stride and is looking forward to being a part of the playoffs.

"I was planning on spending my time watching the playoffs from the comfort of my own home, where I have a large leather recliner and a kickass television, paid for by my rediculously high salary. But Tony wanted to make sure that I would be able to see the team perform in person, and I really appreciate that." When asked if he thought he would see any playing time in the playoffs, Marquis responded, "Not if they want to win the series."

Manager Tony LaRussa, reached for comment, noted, "Rather than giving Jason the time off and letting him relax at home, he has to suffer the indignity of watching the games in person. No way in hell he pitches, or bats or pinch-runs. That guy is keeping the end of the bench nice and warm for the real players. Each day, he will get dressed knowing he will not be playing. That's punishment."

Lost in this odd form of revenge by LaRussa is the omission of promising pitcher Anthony Reyes from the postseason roster. LaRussa added, "We certainly didn't need him for the postseason, what with our glut of stellar starting pitching. I think we can definitely contend for the title. As long as the Padres and Mets and the American League champion get the flu, that is. We had the spare roster spot for Jason to be a part of my ironic roster. I am truly the master of the mind games."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Possible MLS team names revealed

The expansion group looking to bring Major League Soccer to Saint Louis has recently announced the possible team names for the new franchise. A list of names has been submitted for public review and a vote will take place later this year to determine the new team moniker. However, the names has been met with little fanfare and have not created the media buzz that the expansion group was hoping for.

Currently there is a rule that professional sports team names cannot be duplicative, like the Giants (of football and baseball), Cardinals (of football and baseball), or the Rangers (of baseball and hockey). This federal regulation came into effect in the early 1990's after confusion arose amongst fans regarding the two Cardinals teams. Older teams, like those already mentioned, have been grandfathered in, but new teams or relocating teams must make the change. This regulation includes all pro sports teams, including bowling, badminton, and women's football.

Hence, when the Winnipeg Jets moved to Phoenix, they had to become the Coyotes, when the Cleveland Browns moved to Baltimore, they changed their name to the Ravens, and when the Houston Oilers moved to Nashville, they were the Titans. Since most of the good names are taken, only a few remain available. Many leagues in many sports have take up the better team names. This has left the MLS expansion group with little options. A fan poll has been planned to help select the name.

The options for the fan voting are: The St. Louis Grave Robbers, The Missouri Gropers, The Midwest Hobos, The St. Louis Skidmarkers, The St. Louis Geriatrics, and the River City Open Sores. Potential fans have been less than enthusiastic about the opportunity to select the name. Reached for comment, potential fan Roscoe Johnson asked, "Are these it? Those are terrible. Jeez, why not add the 'Sweaty Vaginas' to the list?" It was then explained to Mr. Johnson that the Sweaty Vaginas is a women's rugby team in Vermont, to which he replied, "Oh, I guess all of the other good names are actually taken. I had no idea. Well then I guess it's time to buy my Hobo jersey, since that's who I am voting for."

As to the stadium naming rights, few groups have shown interest. The three organizations considering using the stadium as a twenty year billboard are Planned Parenthood, the local white supremacist church, and Tampax. The expansion group has subsequently lowered its asking price in the hopes of soliciting additonal naming rights bids from other companies or groups, but to no avail.

Through all of this controversy, Mayor Francis Slay, a self-proclaimer soccer lover and selfless promoter of all things St. Louis, noted, "This is going great! We have a real buzz around the city. People are talking about MLS soccer. So maybe the team name will be mildly offensive. So maybe the stadium name will be wildly offensive. At least the product we put on the field will be great. We are planning a beautiful stadium up north of the downtown area right now. Can't you see the progress we are making? This is going to help the city turn the corner. The fans will come. I promise you, the fans will come."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Mizzou football players no longer booed in class

The University of Missouri football team is off to their best start in twenty five years, having won their first five games. This has garnered the team a great deal of positive media coverage, both across the state and on a national scale. The Tigers have cracked both the Associated Press and the coaches' top twenty five poll as well. For the first time in a long time the players and coaches are not only gettting respect on campus, but the the students are finally being treated like common human beings instead of lepers.

Head coach Larry Pinkel, commenting on the sucess, asked, "Who cares if they have played fairly weak nonconference opponents to-date? I am proud of our guys that for once we haven't choked a game or two away early on in the season. Sure, I expect us to get our asses handed to us against Nebraska, Oklahoma, probably Texas Tech and maybe one more opponent, but we have played well to this point. Oh yeah, we will probably lose to Kansas, as well. Anyway, all I am saying is we are playing well as a team and as a result we are getting good treatment on campus."

For the first time in his tenure with the team, Pinkel's car has not yet been vandalized by football fans this late in the season. In years past, his car has been flipped over, pushed into a lake, set on fire and grafittied in about thirty different ways. But with how the team is playing, no such behavior. Yet.

Team quarterback Chase Daniel, reached for comment, noted, "Previously, key players have had a hard time in class. I remember last year Brad Smith would get booed outside of the games," referring to last season's starting quarterback. "One professor actually booed him in class and heckled him during a test. I guess he lost some money on those games. Well we have all lost money betting on Mizzou, haven't we? That professor has not been fired, to my knowledge. I think he is the pep team faculty sponsor, actually."

Daniel continued, "I used to worry that the cafeteria ladies were poisoning my food with some kind of laxative or something like that after a bad game. But since we haven't had our bad games yet this year, I have been able to eat without reservation. Now, once we start racking up bad losses, that is another story. It just feels good to get that winning out of the way in the first half of the season. I am looking forward to whatever crappy bowl we wind up in again this season once we finish 7-5 after conference play."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Little feels Haynesworth sets bad example

Tennessee Titans defensive tackle Ablert Haynesworth was suspended yesterday for five games for stomping on the unhelmeted head of opposing lineman Andre Gurode, leading to cries of outrage from many fans. Some thought the punishment should be stiffer and many are using this single act as an example of the brutal nature of professional football in America. A few are even calling for criminal charges to be filed, given the seriousness of the injury to Gurode. The Haynesworth incident is resonating here in St. Louis, where some members of the Rams have been asked to comment on what type of example this sets for children and fans.

When asked about the Haynesworth head stomping, Leonard Little noted, "That just shows a lack of personal responsibility. It is important to admit when you are wrong and suffer the consequences, especially when you hurt someone like that. He could have been killed! The law should act swiftly and hand out a more serious punishment. And if he should have the audacity to get caught doing something as criminal as this a second time, even if no one gets hurt, they should throw the book at him. Second time repeat offenders are the worst. No fancy lawyers. No loopholes. No challenging evidence. If you do it a second time, you should be out of the league. Football players today show a complete disregard for the law and a lack of personal responsibility and it disgusts me to no end."

Moe Williams, a recent addition to the team, when asked about the incident, replied "This is the type of behavior that gives NFL players a bad name. I particularly hate hearing about players misbehaving. Sometimes I get so upset about it, I write my feelings down in a journal. I also really dislike it when players disprespect women. Is there anything more shameless than objectifying women? I think not. It is important for NFL players to lead by example, not to misbehave and create public distrust of the game and its team members."

A question arose about differentiating between misbehavior on the field as opposed to misbehavior off of the field. Little noted, "Off the field? That is a different story. That shit's nobody's business." Williams, in the room at the time, commented, "Word to that. Nobody's business."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

LaRussa has big fishing trip set for next week

Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa has his annual fishing trip into Canada all planned out, and he is taking good friend and currently unemployed manager Dusty Baker with him. The pair are set to leave town next Monday morning and be gone for three weeks into the fine trout fishing that Canada has to offer. Some fans are concerned with the timing of the trip, as a potential game five to the National League Divisional Series against the Padres is set to be played in San Diego that day, if necessary. Brashly brushing off such criticism, LaRussa refuses to change his plans again.

LaRussa noted that this trip has "already been delayed after we went ass-backwards into the playoffs. Dusty and I have had this set up since the preseason, but things have been shaken up by this club's resiliancy. It really is a testament to third base coach Jose Oquendo. Not so much to me. I pretty much spend my time scowling at players, fans, umps, other managers, et cetera, and not so much time interacting with or motivating the players. I leave that lowly shit for 'The Secret Weapon.'"

When asked why in the world he would set up a fishing trip for right after the conclusion of the regular season when his team had been to five out of the previous six playoffs, LaRussa quipped, "I had no idea we would ever get into the playoffs. We didn't really make a splash in the free agent pool. I mean, Aaron Miles? Come on, seriously. No, Dusty and I were pretty sure this trip would go as planned. But now I have to put it on hold a few more days." It was then pointed out to LaRussa that anything can happen in the playoffs and that everyone's record is 0-0 and that crazier things have happened. Bluntly, LaRussa noted, "If we win three games against San Diego, I'll bend over and kiss my own ass. Now leave me alone, I have plane reservations to change. You know that costs money the longer you wait, so please get out of my office."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]