Mizzou football players no longer booed in class

The University of Missouri football team is off to their best start in twenty five years, having won their first five games. This has garnered the team a great deal of positive media coverage, both across the state and on a national scale. The Tigers have cracked both the Associated Press and the coaches' top twenty five poll as well. For the first time in a long time the players and coaches are not only gettting respect on campus, but the the students are finally being treated like common human beings instead of lepers.

Head coach Larry Pinkel, commenting on the sucess, asked, "Who cares if they have played fairly weak nonconference opponents to-date? I am proud of our guys that for once we haven't choked a game or two away early on in the season. Sure, I expect us to get our asses handed to us against Nebraska, Oklahoma, probably Texas Tech and maybe one more opponent, but we have played well to this point. Oh yeah, we will probably lose to Kansas, as well. Anyway, all I am saying is we are playing well as a team and as a result we are getting good treatment on campus."

For the first time in his tenure with the team, Pinkel's car has not yet been vandalized by football fans this late in the season. In years past, his car has been flipped over, pushed into a lake, set on fire and grafittied in about thirty different ways. But with how the team is playing, no such behavior. Yet.

Team quarterback Chase Daniel, reached for comment, noted, "Previously, key players have had a hard time in class. I remember last year Brad Smith would get booed outside of the games," referring to last season's starting quarterback. "One professor actually booed him in class and heckled him during a test. I guess he lost some money on those games. Well we have all lost money betting on Mizzou, haven't we? That professor has not been fired, to my knowledge. I think he is the pep team faculty sponsor, actually."

Daniel continued, "I used to worry that the cafeteria ladies were poisoning my food with some kind of laxative or something like that after a bad game. But since we haven't had our bad games yet this year, I have been able to eat without reservation. Now, once we start racking up bad losses, that is another story. It just feels good to get that winning out of the way in the first half of the season. I am looking forward to whatever crappy bowl we wind up in again this season once we finish 7-5 after conference play."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]