Jason Marquis, starting pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals, was selected by manager Tony LaRussa for the post-season roster, to the surprise of many. Fans and media alike were convinced that Anthony Reyes, the promising rookie, would be the final pitcher on the roster in place of Marquis. Baffled by the move, LaRussa has been fielding relentless questions from reporters who are trying to figure out the logic of this move. Regardless of the criticism, Marquis is taking it all in stride and is looking forward to being a part of the playoffs.
"I was planning on spending my time watching the playoffs from the comfort of my own home, where I have a large leather recliner and a kickass television, paid for by my rediculously high salary. But Tony wanted to make sure that I would be able to see the team perform in person, and I really appreciate that." When asked if he thought he would see any playing time in the playoffs, Marquis responded, "Not if they want to win the series."
Manager Tony LaRussa, reached for comment, noted, "Rather than giving Jason the time off and letting him relax at home, he has to suffer the indignity of watching the games in person. No way in hell he pitches, or bats or pinch-runs. That guy is keeping the end of the bench nice and warm for the real players. Each day, he will get dressed knowing he will not be playing. That's punishment."
Lost in this odd form of revenge by LaRussa is the omission of promising pitcher Anthony Reyes from the postseason roster. LaRussa added, "We certainly didn't need him for the postseason, what with our glut of stellar starting pitching. I think we can definitely contend for the title. As long as the Padres and Mets and the American League champion get the flu, that is. We had the spare roster spot for Jason to be a part of my ironic roster. I am truly the master of the mind games."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
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