Cardinals lefty Mark Mulder has been absolutely terrible for the past few months. Since getting lit up like a Kennedy at a Christmas party in the White Sox series, he has been throwing nothing but grapefruit pitches that look like underhanded beach balls to the batters. Accordingly, his game has dropped off and Cardinal Nation is in an uproar. Even AAA batters had their way with Mulder, who has earned the name "Red-Headed Stepchild" in the team locker room. This is not the starting pitcher that the team thought it was getting when it traded away two top prospects and a fine bullpen pitcher.
But Mulder has recently found something to be optomistic about. It seems that his slider is back, and his curveball has amazing movement to it. Additionally, he has discovered a two seam fastball, as well as a riser, which is something only seen in womens' softball. This is all thanks to a change in his equipment and a little miracle called the Wiffleball TM.
In what league scouts have called 'awesome', Mulder has been baffling hitters during bullpen sessions and simulated games. Equipment Manager Rip Rowan noted that "Mark's location has been off, and he had no movement on any of his pitches. But then my buddy invited me over to a barbeque last week and we played something called Wiffleball TM. I knew then that this was the miracle that Mark needed to get his game back."
A Wiffleball TM is a plastic baseball-sized ball that has a bunch of longitudinal holes in one hemisphere, and depending on how the ball is thrown, it can do crazy things. Pitching coach Dave Duncan explained that "since Mulder is a lefty, when he throws the Wiffleball TM with the holes to his right, he gets a slider. When it has the holes to the left, he gets a changeup / two seam fastball. The holes down creates a curve / sinker and the holes up creates a riser. See, it is all explained here on the Wiffleball TM box."
Now that he has his game back, and even some improvements, Mark has been baffling batting practice hitters. Outfielder Juan Encarnacion commented on getting schooled by Mulder in a session, "Man, that ball was all over the place. I just couldn't make contact at all. Of course, at that point in the simulated game, there were simulated runners in scoring position, and I can't hit worth a damn with runners in scoring position, so it was really an unfair test."
League commissioner Bud Selig, when approached about the possibility of letting Mark use the Wiffleball TM in live-game situations, asked that he not be informed of anything that is going on in the game to give any players an advantage. "I prefer to bury my head in the sand on this one," said Mr. Selig. "Once Mark has set the league records for most strikeouts in a game and shutouts in a season will I launch a half-assed investigation. Only then."
[This story is a satire of public figures. And Wiffleballs TM are awesome.]
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Bowling Hall of Fame much more fun when drinking
A recent change in policy at the Bowling Hall of Fame, which you may or may not know is located in St. Louis, means that fans touring the museum will no longer be able to consume alcohol as they pass through the exhibits. Most people associate bowling with beer, and in a recent survey of sports that you can play with a beer in one hand, bowling came in third, behind shuffleboard and golden tee, and just ahead of badminton. [Please note, stlsports does not discriminate against what some people might consider non-sports. If there is some skill, we will call it a sport. Therefore, being awesome at, oh, let's say volleyball, and also being a great chess player DOES make you a two sport athlete. God bless 'em.] Since most people bowl with a beer in hand and about three or four in their bellies, the BHOF had offered free beers every twenty feet inside the museum. Customers had become accustomed to strolling down bowling's version of memory lane at the BHOF while getting progressively drunker. But, sadly, no more.
In a recent interview with Roscoe Johnson, the head of the BHOF, he was asked why there was a change in policy at his museum. "We are trying to get rid of the public image that bowlers are all beer-bellied slobs," he said. "You know, bowling used to be a respected sport. Heck, even Jack Buck used to call bowling matches on the radio, but not anymore. It's all these other games nowadays that these kids are into. I just don't understand it. So we need to clean up out image and get the beer out of the museum." When asked if he would be comfortable bowling without a beer, he responded, "Hell no."
Some recent visitors to the museum were asked about their experience when they came out of the exit. Said one tourist, "Good lord, I had no idea how boring bowling is. After that exhibit, I think I am going to take up reading books or playing piano. I used to love bowling, but without the beer, I now realize that I was just wasting my time. All you bowlers out there need to go on this tour sober and realize that bowling is a terrible cancer in your life!"
Since implementing his plan for a beer-free museum several weeks ago, Johnson has noted a marked decline in BHOF visitors. Local bowling alleys have been suffering, too, while library book check-outs have tripled. In an unrelated story, the national Darts Hall of Fame, located just blocks away, has seen a five-fold increase in visitors.
[This story is a satire of a public figures, and also of a public place.]
In a recent interview with Roscoe Johnson, the head of the BHOF, he was asked why there was a change in policy at his museum. "We are trying to get rid of the public image that bowlers are all beer-bellied slobs," he said. "You know, bowling used to be a respected sport. Heck, even Jack Buck used to call bowling matches on the radio, but not anymore. It's all these other games nowadays that these kids are into. I just don't understand it. So we need to clean up out image and get the beer out of the museum." When asked if he would be comfortable bowling without a beer, he responded, "Hell no."
Some recent visitors to the museum were asked about their experience when they came out of the exit. Said one tourist, "Good lord, I had no idea how boring bowling is. After that exhibit, I think I am going to take up reading books or playing piano. I used to love bowling, but without the beer, I now realize that I was just wasting my time. All you bowlers out there need to go on this tour sober and realize that bowling is a terrible cancer in your life!"
Since implementing his plan for a beer-free museum several weeks ago, Johnson has noted a marked decline in BHOF visitors. Local bowling alleys have been suffering, too, while library book check-outs have tripled. In an unrelated story, the national Darts Hall of Fame, located just blocks away, has seen a five-fold increase in visitors.
[This story is a satire of a public figures, and also of a public place.]
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Medical Update: Bleeding Blue not actually healthy
A team of physicians at Washington University School of Medicine has recently released a detailed report, the result of a multi-million dollar, three-year campaign aimed at answering one of the most intruiging questions in all of St. Louis: Do you bleed blue? The answer: You better not.
"Apparently, when you bleed, it should be red," observed Roscoe Johnson, the lead researcher on this project. "You see, it just isn't healthy to bleed blue. If you are bleeding blue, you might have some food dye in your blood, for example. Food dye should not be in your blood. Or maybe toilet bowl cleaner. Who would want that in their blood? I think that this is a totally irresponsible campaign launched by the Blues." Johnson was referring to the St. Louis Blues hockey club advertisements.
Stlsports asked the university president if he was aware that 'bleeding blue' is not a literal term, but instead a euphamism for team loyalty, to which he responded, "No." He went on to note that had someone mentioned that to him years ago, millions might not have been wasted on this project.
When asked why researchers at one of the top medical universities in the country would waste their time on something so stupid as this study, Roscoe Johnson responded, "The federal government gives out so much money each year, you see. If you don't use it all in one year, then you get less the next year. So in a few years we might really need all of that cash, so we have to find ways to use it when we don't need it. It really is quite simple. For example, I am planning for next year a study on how many gallons of pickle brine an average person should consume in a week. Really, this is fascinating stuff, and the public should thank us for helping enlighten them. In fact, where is my damned Nobel prize?"
Pressed further, Johnson commented that "bleeding blue, even in the team loyalty metaphorical sense, is also not that healthy." Apparently studies have shown that Blues fans are more likely to binge drink, typically around the end of the first round of the NHL playoffs. Statistics also show that bridge jumper numbers tend to increase around that time, as well as pornographic video sales. "You see, being a Blues fan is just not good for you. As an alternative, I suggest watching the WNBA, where fundamentals and teamwork are emphasised. In fact, I have theorized that watching the WNBA might well be shown to cure cancer, if done while sitting on a microwave. I plan to conduct a lengthy and costly study on the subject through Washington University, starting this fall."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
"Apparently, when you bleed, it should be red," observed Roscoe Johnson, the lead researcher on this project. "You see, it just isn't healthy to bleed blue. If you are bleeding blue, you might have some food dye in your blood, for example. Food dye should not be in your blood. Or maybe toilet bowl cleaner. Who would want that in their blood? I think that this is a totally irresponsible campaign launched by the Blues." Johnson was referring to the St. Louis Blues hockey club advertisements.
Stlsports asked the university president if he was aware that 'bleeding blue' is not a literal term, but instead a euphamism for team loyalty, to which he responded, "No." He went on to note that had someone mentioned that to him years ago, millions might not have been wasted on this project.
When asked why researchers at one of the top medical universities in the country would waste their time on something so stupid as this study, Roscoe Johnson responded, "The federal government gives out so much money each year, you see. If you don't use it all in one year, then you get less the next year. So in a few years we might really need all of that cash, so we have to find ways to use it when we don't need it. It really is quite simple. For example, I am planning for next year a study on how many gallons of pickle brine an average person should consume in a week. Really, this is fascinating stuff, and the public should thank us for helping enlighten them. In fact, where is my damned Nobel prize?"
Pressed further, Johnson commented that "bleeding blue, even in the team loyalty metaphorical sense, is also not that healthy." Apparently studies have shown that Blues fans are more likely to binge drink, typically around the end of the first round of the NHL playoffs. Statistics also show that bridge jumper numbers tend to increase around that time, as well as pornographic video sales. "You see, being a Blues fan is just not good for you. As an alternative, I suggest watching the WNBA, where fundamentals and teamwork are emphasised. In fact, I have theorized that watching the WNBA might well be shown to cure cancer, if done while sitting on a microwave. I plan to conduct a lengthy and costly study on the subject through Washington University, starting this fall."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Elliot Davis' "You Paid For It" visits Busch Stadium
Elliot Davis, the hard-hitting investigative news reporter for television station KMOV (the local CBS affilliate), is known for his aggressive and relentless pursuit of justice for the ripped-off. On his "You Paid For It" news segments, he regularly gets answers when others cannot, and thus he is respected both in his field and by the viewers. Davis recently paid a visit to the offices of Cardinals owner Bill DeWitt, and the stlsports blog news team was invited to tag along.
Davis, stlsports and a KMOV camera crew approached the new Busch Stadium, unsure what kind of resistance we would be encountering. We entered the main executive office lobby, and proceeded towards the large wooden double doors, behind which sat the most important people in St. Louis sports. "Sir, you can't go in there," shouted the receptionist. Davis, disregarding her completely, turned to me and said, "If I had a dollar for every time some secretary, receptionist, security guard, judge, federal agent or air marshall told me I couldn't do something or go somewhere, I would be a friggin' millionare, baby. That's what real journalism is about." He added, "Take a lesson, son," possibly implying that reporting fake insider sports news is somehow not real journalism.
Upon entering the executive office suite, we made our way to team president Mark Lamping's office. Mr. Lamping appeared to be reading the back pages of The Riverfront Times, when he looked up and saw Davis in his doorway. Before anyone could say anything, Lamping threw down his paper, knocked over his coffee and shouted, "Oh, shit, it's Elliot Davis!" He then proceeded to hurl his body through the large window in his office. As shrill screams and honking car horns filled the office from the street below, Davis casually looked at me and said, "Well, that happens more often than you might think. For some reason, I just get that kind of reaction from lots of people."
We left the crime scene and went down the hall towards other personell offices. Walt Jocketty came out of his office, and looked up at us with a stunned expression on his face. "Dammit, what are you doing here?," pondered Jocketty out loud. He continued, stating that, "I have seen enough editions of your show to know that when Elliot Friggin Davis and a camera crew come into your office, you had better start running in the other direction. Listen, Walt doesn't know where all of that missing baseball equipment wound up. I am serious. I know I am sweating, but Walt likes his chicken hot. It's the Kung Pow!" Mr. Jocketty then hastily ran out of the offices and could be seen minutes later speeding away down Broadway in his Mercedes, hurling what appeared to be helmets and gloves out of his window.
Finally, we arrived at the doors to Mr. Bill DeWitt's private chambers, and Davis prepared himself for the most aggressive and confrontational interview in at least twenty four hours. Davis barged right in and the bright camera lights turned on. "What are you doing here? You can't be in here!", shouted DeWitt, clearly flustered. "Mr. DeWitt, I'm here to get some hard answers," began Davis, who went on to heavily criticize the owner for mismanaging funds and making several unwise business decisions, despite pleading letters from paying customers.
After berating the team owner on camera, and having been finally thrown out of the building by security, our evening was complete. It seemed to stlsports to be a poor climax to what was going to be an amazing news story. Davis opined that we had "done some real good tonight." Did we, Elliot? I'm not so sure about that. All we did was harass a wealthy, stingy businessman who now has to cut player salaries to hire more security guards and install more cameras.
The fans have not been vindicated. It is the players who will suffer. Poor Jimmy Edmonds won't get his extension picked up thanks to you, Elliot Davis. Darn you, Elliot Davis. You and your hard-hitting reporting. I think the lesson here is to never ask tough questions of important people. Holding people accountable only hurts the little guys, like Jim Edmonds. I am so sorry, Jimmy.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
[Now that I have written it, I have to say it is pretty dumb. Oh well.]
Davis, stlsports and a KMOV camera crew approached the new Busch Stadium, unsure what kind of resistance we would be encountering. We entered the main executive office lobby, and proceeded towards the large wooden double doors, behind which sat the most important people in St. Louis sports. "Sir, you can't go in there," shouted the receptionist. Davis, disregarding her completely, turned to me and said, "If I had a dollar for every time some secretary, receptionist, security guard, judge, federal agent or air marshall told me I couldn't do something or go somewhere, I would be a friggin' millionare, baby. That's what real journalism is about." He added, "Take a lesson, son," possibly implying that reporting fake insider sports news is somehow not real journalism.
Upon entering the executive office suite, we made our way to team president Mark Lamping's office. Mr. Lamping appeared to be reading the back pages of The Riverfront Times, when he looked up and saw Davis in his doorway. Before anyone could say anything, Lamping threw down his paper, knocked over his coffee and shouted, "Oh, shit, it's Elliot Davis!" He then proceeded to hurl his body through the large window in his office. As shrill screams and honking car horns filled the office from the street below, Davis casually looked at me and said, "Well, that happens more often than you might think. For some reason, I just get that kind of reaction from lots of people."
We left the crime scene and went down the hall towards other personell offices. Walt Jocketty came out of his office, and looked up at us with a stunned expression on his face. "Dammit, what are you doing here?," pondered Jocketty out loud. He continued, stating that, "I have seen enough editions of your show to know that when Elliot Friggin Davis and a camera crew come into your office, you had better start running in the other direction. Listen, Walt doesn't know where all of that missing baseball equipment wound up. I am serious. I know I am sweating, but Walt likes his chicken hot. It's the Kung Pow!" Mr. Jocketty then hastily ran out of the offices and could be seen minutes later speeding away down Broadway in his Mercedes, hurling what appeared to be helmets and gloves out of his window.
Finally, we arrived at the doors to Mr. Bill DeWitt's private chambers, and Davis prepared himself for the most aggressive and confrontational interview in at least twenty four hours. Davis barged right in and the bright camera lights turned on. "What are you doing here? You can't be in here!", shouted DeWitt, clearly flustered. "Mr. DeWitt, I'm here to get some hard answers," began Davis, who went on to heavily criticize the owner for mismanaging funds and making several unwise business decisions, despite pleading letters from paying customers.
After berating the team owner on camera, and having been finally thrown out of the building by security, our evening was complete. It seemed to stlsports to be a poor climax to what was going to be an amazing news story. Davis opined that we had "done some real good tonight." Did we, Elliot? I'm not so sure about that. All we did was harass a wealthy, stingy businessman who now has to cut player salaries to hire more security guards and install more cameras.
The fans have not been vindicated. It is the players who will suffer. Poor Jimmy Edmonds won't get his extension picked up thanks to you, Elliot Davis. Darn you, Elliot Davis. You and your hard-hitting reporting. I think the lesson here is to never ask tough questions of important people. Holding people accountable only hurts the little guys, like Jim Edmonds. I am so sorry, Jimmy.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
[Now that I have written it, I have to say it is pretty dumb. Oh well.]
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Recap: Fantasy football draft party Beer Bitch lodges complaint
Across the country, fantasy football drafts are taking place. One of stlsports' draft parties was this past weekend, and in this league a draft party tradition is to nominate the team owner who makes the worst pick of any given round to serve as the 'Beer Bitch' for the next round. The term beer bitch is simply defined as the guy who is responsible for keeping everyone else's beer at optimal volumes. At the conclusion of the draft, the team owner with the most votes throughout the draft was made the Beer Bitch for the remainder of the evening, which consisted of a barbeque, drunken wiffleball, poker and video gaming.
The draft went well, and several managers made several bad decisions throughout the evening. As the draft wound down, it appeared that the grand poobah Beer Bitch for the night would be one of three particularly inept individuals. In the interest of keeping the identities of these people hidden, and thus preventing the shame and opprobrium that comes with such a title, fake names have been created. For Josh, we will call him Cupcake. For Chris, how about Dumpling. And for Mike, the perennial league doormat and regular behind-the-woodshed victim, let's go with, oh I don't know, Flapjack.
Of particular concern for Flapjack was that he had received Beer Bitch votes very consistently, even when he had made a good pick. He even managed to get votes for a draft round for which he did not have a pick. This raised suspicions of collusion amongst managers, as well as a vendetta from those with whom he would not trade. Flapjack's plan was simple: get so stupidly drunk that he would be too incapacitated to perform his duties. The plan worked, partially. Flapjack got blitzed, all right. In fact, he got so drunk that with his bare hands he picked up a searing hot metal pot off of the barbeque pit that was being used to cook Red Hot Wings. Blinded by pain and stupidity, Flapjack was done for the night. The final voting cast the title of Beer Bitch upon Flapjack, who was unable to muster the ability to pour beer with his one working hand. He is useless, and may all of his players go on the disabled list.
As to the other league hacks, Dumpling earned most of his votes early-on in the draft, having selected rookies and injured players, as well as several has-beens. Although Dumpling has made some progress in the past, I predict a 180 degree turnaround this season and complete regression. Cupcake was nice enough to host the party, although the high nerd content of the event made it seem a little Dungeons and Dragon-ish. Seriously, there was a league power point recap (a la EA Games), which included highlights from last years' teams and playoff bracket, an update on league rules and football clip art taken [undoubtedly] without regard for copyright from the ESPN website. Cupcake, like a true fantasy footballer, had his very sick wife taking care of herself in the next room while he hosted the party. In fact, she even came out to help him with the food and beverages. What a trooper.
Coming up this week for stlsports is another fantasy football draft, this one with my wife's brothers and their friends. They are a more casual bunch, and each game is met with an optional alcoholic side bet. Only Jimmy, who we will call Sugarpie to hide his identity, welches on his side bets and cannot be trusted in making trades. Shame on you, Sugarpie. The rest of the group is an honest, drunken bunch, and I look forward to playing again this season.
Good luck, stlsports readers, in your fantasy football drafts and subsequent seasons. Just remember, too much sitting in front of a computer managing your team can make you sterile.
[This story is not a satire at all, but a true account of sports nerds. This all happened, I am sorry to say.]
[As you can see, it was a busy weekend - sorry for the no-post-Monday.]
The draft went well, and several managers made several bad decisions throughout the evening. As the draft wound down, it appeared that the grand poobah Beer Bitch for the night would be one of three particularly inept individuals. In the interest of keeping the identities of these people hidden, and thus preventing the shame and opprobrium that comes with such a title, fake names have been created. For Josh, we will call him Cupcake. For Chris, how about Dumpling. And for Mike, the perennial league doormat and regular behind-the-woodshed victim, let's go with, oh I don't know, Flapjack.
Of particular concern for Flapjack was that he had received Beer Bitch votes very consistently, even when he had made a good pick. He even managed to get votes for a draft round for which he did not have a pick. This raised suspicions of collusion amongst managers, as well as a vendetta from those with whom he would not trade. Flapjack's plan was simple: get so stupidly drunk that he would be too incapacitated to perform his duties. The plan worked, partially. Flapjack got blitzed, all right. In fact, he got so drunk that with his bare hands he picked up a searing hot metal pot off of the barbeque pit that was being used to cook Red Hot Wings. Blinded by pain and stupidity, Flapjack was done for the night. The final voting cast the title of Beer Bitch upon Flapjack, who was unable to muster the ability to pour beer with his one working hand. He is useless, and may all of his players go on the disabled list.
As to the other league hacks, Dumpling earned most of his votes early-on in the draft, having selected rookies and injured players, as well as several has-beens. Although Dumpling has made some progress in the past, I predict a 180 degree turnaround this season and complete regression. Cupcake was nice enough to host the party, although the high nerd content of the event made it seem a little Dungeons and Dragon-ish. Seriously, there was a league power point recap (a la EA Games), which included highlights from last years' teams and playoff bracket, an update on league rules and football clip art taken [undoubtedly] without regard for copyright from the ESPN website. Cupcake, like a true fantasy footballer, had his very sick wife taking care of herself in the next room while he hosted the party. In fact, she even came out to help him with the food and beverages. What a trooper.
Coming up this week for stlsports is another fantasy football draft, this one with my wife's brothers and their friends. They are a more casual bunch, and each game is met with an optional alcoholic side bet. Only Jimmy, who we will call Sugarpie to hide his identity, welches on his side bets and cannot be trusted in making trades. Shame on you, Sugarpie. The rest of the group is an honest, drunken bunch, and I look forward to playing again this season.
Good luck, stlsports readers, in your fantasy football drafts and subsequent seasons. Just remember, too much sitting in front of a computer managing your team can make you sterile.
[This story is not a satire at all, but a true account of sports nerds. This all happened, I am sorry to say.]
[As you can see, it was a busy weekend - sorry for the no-post-Monday.]
Financial News: Blues tickets worth less than Confederate money
The St. Louis Blues hockey franchise is coming off of a terrible season, and that is putting it nicely. The team managed to obtain a league-low 57 points and established franchise records for fewest sellouts, most shutout losses, lowest attendance, fewest points, fewest goals, most losses and the fewest cheap taco celebrations. After drafting the number one overall prospect, things seemed to be looking up. However, he wised up and went to college to get an education, as insurance in the likely event that the leauge folds and the players are forced to work at real jobs. He was also hoping to play for a winning college team and get paid nothing, instead of making millions schlepping away in the Savvis center for a losing club. And who says today's youth isn't intelligent? Additionally, new team ownership has decided to fill the roster with mildly expensive, mildly old talent that would have been an awesome team if it was 1998. Needless to say, things are not looking up at the Blues' front office.
The latest indignity suffered by the Bluenote has been the devaluation of their tickets. It used to be that a Blues ticket was the hottest thing in town, at the old Arena, excluding Steamers tickets, or Icecapades tickets. But now, people who bought tickets are having trouble reselling them. Local ticket scalper broker Roscoe Johnson, who would only speak on the condition of anonymity because of the illegality of his actions, noted that, "I just can't move these damn Blues tickets. I have a whole wheelbarrow full of them at home, and no one seems to want to buy them. Some local kids have been buying them at less than face value because apparently when rolled up they make good cigarette paper, but beyond that, I have no takers." Johnson is somewhat of a pioneer in curbside ticket resale, having come up with the idea of printing laminated signs that read 'I need tickets' and having the seating chart of the venue for which he needs tickets printed on the reverse side of the sign. "Only the most reputable scalpers, I mean uh ticket resale specialists, use my signs. They are a trademark of local scam artists, uh I mean public servants."
Courtesy of my last interviewee, I took some of the unsold Blues tickets for the upcoming season with me down to the local homeless shelter. These particular tickets were for luxury boxes, where food and beverages are provided for free. Local homeless person Roscoe Johnson, upon being offered the tickets, stated that, "Although food and drink is provided and it is a luxury suite, I would still have to sit through the Blues game. I guess I could go early, have my fill, and then leave before they drop the puck. Otherwise, I am not really interested."
And so the Blues tickets have dropped to the financial level of Confederate money, Monopoly TM money and Pesos; pretty much worthless and certainly not worth their own face value. Team owner Dave Checketts, commenting on the status of his franchise, noted that "I bought this team cheap. But I did not realize how cheap. I guess I got in a litte bit over my head. My only hope is to put a winning product on the ice and win back some fans. But I think we all know that a winning product is a few years away, and by 'a few years' I mean a damn long time. Hey, would you like to buy a hockey franchise?"
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
[This is coming from a former hockey fan. The strike made me realize that I could easily live without hockey. Good work, morons.]
The latest indignity suffered by the Bluenote has been the devaluation of their tickets. It used to be that a Blues ticket was the hottest thing in town, at the old Arena, excluding Steamers tickets, or Icecapades tickets. But now, people who bought tickets are having trouble reselling them. Local ticket scalper broker Roscoe Johnson, who would only speak on the condition of anonymity because of the illegality of his actions, noted that, "I just can't move these damn Blues tickets. I have a whole wheelbarrow full of them at home, and no one seems to want to buy them. Some local kids have been buying them at less than face value because apparently when rolled up they make good cigarette paper, but beyond that, I have no takers." Johnson is somewhat of a pioneer in curbside ticket resale, having come up with the idea of printing laminated signs that read 'I need tickets' and having the seating chart of the venue for which he needs tickets printed on the reverse side of the sign. "Only the most reputable scalpers, I mean uh ticket resale specialists, use my signs. They are a trademark of local scam artists, uh I mean public servants."
Courtesy of my last interviewee, I took some of the unsold Blues tickets for the upcoming season with me down to the local homeless shelter. These particular tickets were for luxury boxes, where food and beverages are provided for free. Local homeless person Roscoe Johnson, upon being offered the tickets, stated that, "Although food and drink is provided and it is a luxury suite, I would still have to sit through the Blues game. I guess I could go early, have my fill, and then leave before they drop the puck. Otherwise, I am not really interested."
And so the Blues tickets have dropped to the financial level of Confederate money, Monopoly TM money and Pesos; pretty much worthless and certainly not worth their own face value. Team owner Dave Checketts, commenting on the status of his franchise, noted that "I bought this team cheap. But I did not realize how cheap. I guess I got in a litte bit over my head. My only hope is to put a winning product on the ice and win back some fans. But I think we all know that a winning product is a few years away, and by 'a few years' I mean a damn long time. Hey, would you like to buy a hockey franchise?"
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
[This is coming from a former hockey fan. The strike made me realize that I could easily live without hockey. Good work, morons.]
Friday, August 25, 2006
Special Edition: Rejected Sports Headlines [Part 1]
My very sensible wife has rejected storylines to go along with the following headlines, due to the stories being too offensive, really inappropriate or just plain not funny. Too bad. Regardless, one or two of these might appear in a later story as a subplot. This is only Part 1 of the Rejected Sports Headlines, because I am sure she will shoot down some more in the future. She truly is my better half. So, enjoy. Think about what could have been. In fact, feel free to leave a comment as to which one I should try to salvage and I might give it another shot.
Female rugby player .... [The rest was terrible. I was explicitly told by my wife not to do this one, ever, in any sense. But I played college rugby and this has some elements of truth.]
Lawrence Phillips opens driving school [Stupid joke - this guy isn't even worth it.]
Tony LaRussa arrested on charges of animal trafficking [Just dumb, and you need to know about ARF for this to be funny.]
Leonard Little fails background check [Self-explanitory and mean, and I don't feel like opening old wounds.]
Pornographic magazine found in Rams locker room [This is based on a story relayed to me from friends who worked in their locker room in 1995.]
Jim Edmonds opens super-posh disco [I like Jimmy Ballgame as much as anyone else, and this was only meant to annoy my mother-in-law, who really likes him.]
RB / WR uncomfortable with being called a 'tweener' [No need to offend the transgendered - they have enough problems.]
Rush Limbaugh turns down opportunity to call NHL games [Why even write this one - you know where it is going.]
So Taguchi booed by Chinese-born fan [Okay, so this one actually happened and I was there, but still it is a small, dumb joke.]
Michael Jackson not a very good little league coach [Too easy, too controversial - beating a dead horse.]
David Eckstein outhustled by Scrappy Doo [This really is just a dumb joke. Not even remotely funny.]
Sports agent killed for using phrase 'Show me the money!' [1. I just saw Jerry McGuire 2. I hate cliches and wish that people who use them would die. Yes, that's my final answer.]
Entrance song snafu leads fans to question [player's] sexuality [I actually wrote this one out and it sucked. Seriously unfunny.]
Someone looks at Mike Lincoln funny, he is placed on 60 day DL [This guy has been waaaay too injured, but not many people would get this.]
Issac Bruce not a real reverend [Here's another one I wrote that was just not funny. At all.]
Aaron Miles picks a barfight, placed on the 60 day DL [This one won't work, according to the latest ESPN the Magazine, since Miles is apparently a little badass.]
[These rejected stories would have been and these headlines are satires of public figures.]
[Obviously this stuff ever happened, except the Chinese booing one.]
Female rugby player .... [The rest was terrible. I was explicitly told by my wife not to do this one, ever, in any sense. But I played college rugby and this has some elements of truth.]
Lawrence Phillips opens driving school [Stupid joke - this guy isn't even worth it.]
Tony LaRussa arrested on charges of animal trafficking [Just dumb, and you need to know about ARF for this to be funny.]
Leonard Little fails background check [Self-explanitory and mean, and I don't feel like opening old wounds.]
Pornographic magazine found in Rams locker room [This is based on a story relayed to me from friends who worked in their locker room in 1995.]
Jim Edmonds opens super-posh disco [I like Jimmy Ballgame as much as anyone else, and this was only meant to annoy my mother-in-law, who really likes him.]
RB / WR uncomfortable with being called a 'tweener' [No need to offend the transgendered - they have enough problems.]
Rush Limbaugh turns down opportunity to call NHL games [Why even write this one - you know where it is going.]
So Taguchi booed by Chinese-born fan [Okay, so this one actually happened and I was there, but still it is a small, dumb joke.]
Michael Jackson not a very good little league coach [Too easy, too controversial - beating a dead horse.]
David Eckstein outhustled by Scrappy Doo [This really is just a dumb joke. Not even remotely funny.]
Sports agent killed for using phrase 'Show me the money!' [1. I just saw Jerry McGuire 2. I hate cliches and wish that people who use them would die. Yes, that's my final answer.]
Entrance song snafu leads fans to question [player's] sexuality [I actually wrote this one out and it sucked. Seriously unfunny.]
Someone looks at Mike Lincoln funny, he is placed on 60 day DL [This guy has been waaaay too injured, but not many people would get this.]
Issac Bruce not a real reverend [Here's another one I wrote that was just not funny. At all.]
Aaron Miles picks a barfight, placed on the 60 day DL [This one won't work, according to the latest ESPN the Magazine, since Miles is apparently a little badass.]
[These rejected stories would have been and these headlines are satires of public figures.]
[Obviously this stuff ever happened, except the Chinese booing one.]
Bullpen phone wiretapped by NSA
In a startling turn of events in the war on terror, the US federal government was required by a recent court ruling to discontinue the use of unauthorized telephone wiretaps and, in some limited cases, disclose the nature of the surveillance. Tony Snow, the White House press secretary, has announced that several Major League Baseball teams have been the target of covert investigations, including the St. Louis Cardinals, who had their bullpen phone wiretapped. Team management and the fans were outraged at the news and demanded an immediate explanation.
Several days after the initial disclosure, Snow was asked at a press conference about the Bush administration' interest in the Cardinals. Snow replied, "We were investigating solid leads in several clubhouses, including the Cardinals'. We were looking into the affairs of a man named Jason Isringhausen." Jason 'Izzy' Isringhausen, born in America and from nearby Brighton, Illinois, was shocked and awed at the news. When asked why Izzy was targeted, Snow stated, "That guy's last name is way too long, and accordingly we suspected that he was up to no good here in America. That's a pretty solid lead, a long last name. And, no, I don't care where he was born. Long last names are foreign, and foreign is scary. Shorter last names are good, like Bush, Rice, Snow, Alito and Gore. Wait .. not Gore."
Reached for comment, Cardinals General Manager Walt Jocketty recalled, "This is not the first time that we have had some controversy regarding the bullpen phone. Back in 2003, we had quite a few 1-900 numbers getting called during games late in the season. I think that pretty much explained why our relief pitching tanked at the end of that year's campaign. So we restricted the line to only accept calls from the dugout. Duh, why hadn't we thought of that before? All I can say about the '03 bullpen is that someone really liked to talk to women with 'huge asses' and the bill was accordingly huge. Do you get it? Huge and huge? Dude, I rock."
Tony Snow later elaborated on the government's investigation, noting that, "We had also been really looking into the Royals' clubhouse. You've got guys there named Grudzeilanek and Meintkeiwicz in the same clubhouse. I mean, what could those two be talking about, huh? Seriously, think about it. That's a major red flag."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Several days after the initial disclosure, Snow was asked at a press conference about the Bush administration' interest in the Cardinals. Snow replied, "We were investigating solid leads in several clubhouses, including the Cardinals'. We were looking into the affairs of a man named Jason Isringhausen." Jason 'Izzy' Isringhausen, born in America and from nearby Brighton, Illinois, was shocked and awed at the news. When asked why Izzy was targeted, Snow stated, "That guy's last name is way too long, and accordingly we suspected that he was up to no good here in America. That's a pretty solid lead, a long last name. And, no, I don't care where he was born. Long last names are foreign, and foreign is scary. Shorter last names are good, like Bush, Rice, Snow, Alito and Gore. Wait .. not Gore."
Reached for comment, Cardinals General Manager Walt Jocketty recalled, "This is not the first time that we have had some controversy regarding the bullpen phone. Back in 2003, we had quite a few 1-900 numbers getting called during games late in the season. I think that pretty much explained why our relief pitching tanked at the end of that year's campaign. So we restricted the line to only accept calls from the dugout. Duh, why hadn't we thought of that before? All I can say about the '03 bullpen is that someone really liked to talk to women with 'huge asses' and the bill was accordingly huge. Do you get it? Huge and huge? Dude, I rock."
Tony Snow later elaborated on the government's investigation, noting that, "We had also been really looking into the Royals' clubhouse. You've got guys there named Grudzeilanek and Meintkeiwicz in the same clubhouse. I mean, what could those two be talking about, huh? Seriously, think about it. That's a major red flag."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Isringhausen seeks counseling for his addiction
Jason Isringhausen has a problem. This is an issue he has been dealing with for quite some time, and it has finally come to light now that he is seeking help from counselors. Izzy is addicted to walking. Walking batters, that is.
It started out innocently enough several years ago. Izzy used to just get in the game and get the three batters out and that was that, save in the record books. But then his buddy Bill Pulsipher suggested that Izzy try throwing some outside pitches and seeing how it felt. [Incidentally, in a tragic example, Pulsipher's walking addiction has cost him any chance of making another major league roster.] Jason was reluctant to try it, since he had heard about the adverse effects of issuing walks during a game. Eventually he was coaxed into it and soon he was hooked. He began by just walking one batter per game, but soon one became two and two became three and so forth. Soon Izzy could hardly stand on the mound without trying to walk a few batters. He would ask the unmpire if he could throw a four ball pitch, which was one of the last straws.
In a recent disaster of a game, where Izzy walked five batters on twenty pitches, Manager Tony LaRussa approached the mound to take his reliever out of the game. When asked why he would continue to walk batters during the game, even once the bases were full, Izzy mumbled, "Hey, I pitch better with a few on. Lemme go, I can stop whenever I want to! Don't you dare judge me, LaRussa, like you don't have problems, too!" LaRussa responded, "Go home and sleep it off, kid. You've had way too many walks."
Cardinal losing streaks were particularly hard on Izzy. He would not get appearances in the game and thus could not walk batters. "Man, I'm jonesin' to walk someone", he was known to mumble in the bullpen. "Oh, come on, put me in the game! I need some work!"
After entering a treatment program in the offseason, things seemed to be turning out a little better for Izzy. While in the counseling sessions, Jason reconnected with former Redbird Matt Morris, who was also recovering from walking addiciton. Bud, sadly, Matt showed Jason about a high that you could get that was greater than walking players - giving up huge home runs. Matt had dabbled with it, even gotten really heavy into it. Isringhausen took it too far, however. He began to mix walks with homeruns. Now he is out of control. Walk after walk, followed by homerun. It is a sad tale, one that doesn't seem to have a happy ending, either for Isringhausen or for the Cardinals.
Please, pray for Izzy.
[Although there are some elements of truth, this story is a satire of public figures.]
It started out innocently enough several years ago. Izzy used to just get in the game and get the three batters out and that was that, save in the record books. But then his buddy Bill Pulsipher suggested that Izzy try throwing some outside pitches and seeing how it felt. [Incidentally, in a tragic example, Pulsipher's walking addiction has cost him any chance of making another major league roster.] Jason was reluctant to try it, since he had heard about the adverse effects of issuing walks during a game. Eventually he was coaxed into it and soon he was hooked. He began by just walking one batter per game, but soon one became two and two became three and so forth. Soon Izzy could hardly stand on the mound without trying to walk a few batters. He would ask the unmpire if he could throw a four ball pitch, which was one of the last straws.
In a recent disaster of a game, where Izzy walked five batters on twenty pitches, Manager Tony LaRussa approached the mound to take his reliever out of the game. When asked why he would continue to walk batters during the game, even once the bases were full, Izzy mumbled, "Hey, I pitch better with a few on. Lemme go, I can stop whenever I want to! Don't you dare judge me, LaRussa, like you don't have problems, too!" LaRussa responded, "Go home and sleep it off, kid. You've had way too many walks."
Cardinal losing streaks were particularly hard on Izzy. He would not get appearances in the game and thus could not walk batters. "Man, I'm jonesin' to walk someone", he was known to mumble in the bullpen. "Oh, come on, put me in the game! I need some work!"
After entering a treatment program in the offseason, things seemed to be turning out a little better for Izzy. While in the counseling sessions, Jason reconnected with former Redbird Matt Morris, who was also recovering from walking addiciton. Bud, sadly, Matt showed Jason about a high that you could get that was greater than walking players - giving up huge home runs. Matt had dabbled with it, even gotten really heavy into it. Isringhausen took it too far, however. He began to mix walks with homeruns. Now he is out of control. Walk after walk, followed by homerun. It is a sad tale, one that doesn't seem to have a happy ending, either for Isringhausen or for the Cardinals.
Please, pray for Izzy.
[Although there are some elements of truth, this story is a satire of public figures.]
Interview: Rich Gould, local sportscaster
I recently sat down with local sportscaster Rich Gould of KPLR channel 11 in St. Louis. Rich has been on channel 11 for as long as I can remember and became known for his down-to-earth broadcasting style and his quirky antics on the air. He can be seen interviewing fans during Cardinals telecasts and after game on The Fan Show. I am sure Rich has won a local Emmy or two, not that it's a big deal, since they give those things out like candy on a local level. Here is the text of that interview:
Stlsports: I'm here with Rich Gould, longtime St. Louis sports journalist for channel 11 and host of The Fan Show. How are you tonight, Rich?
Gould: Just fine, thanks. Let's get this interview going. I have places to be.
Stlsports: Tell me about your latest project, The Fan Show. How did it begin? What do you like or dislike about it?
Gould: Well, as far as what I dislike, how about the fact that it is shot at the Casino Queen, often after dark.
Stlsports: What's wrong with the Casino Queen?
Gould: Nothing is wrong with the Casino Queen, except for those idiotic talking slot machine commercials. It's getting to the Casino Queen that's the problem. It is in freaking East St. Louis. That's insane. Is there no other place in the metro area that we could shoot a sports show? You need like a full armored division to go in there at night. I swear, I think my producer is trying to get me killed.
Stlsports: Uh. Okay, Rich. Well tell me about the premise of the show.
Gould: We interview fans. That's pretty much it.
Stlsports: You seem to enjoy yourself.
Gould: I hate those damn fans. Too many fans. If there is one thing I hate about the fan show, besides where it's shot, it is the stupid-assed fans.
Stlsports: What is the matter with the fans? I thought we had the most knowledgable fans in the game of baseball.
Gould: Why? Because you can all keep score? Whooptie-doo. That's not exactly a skill that translates into the real world. Instead of studying statistics, they should be learning to read another language or how to play the stock market. But no, they brag about knowing the OPS for some bench player. Losers!
Stlsports: I see, Rich, well ...
Gould: And you know what else? They talk about stuff like they are Peter Gammons. Watching Sportscenter and regurgitating the same crap over and over on the call in lines does not mean that you are smart. It means that you have basic cable. Get a life, people.
Stlsports: Well, Rich, I am sorry that you feel ...
Gould: And let me answer your next question for you. What St. Louis sportscaster would I love to fight? Here it is:
Stlsports: Uh, that wasn't my...
Gould: Steve Savard, that prettyboy on channel 4. He was bragging that he could break walnuts with his buttcheeks at Blueberry Hill last night. BS! I could totally kick his ass.
Stlsports [to producer] : What the hell is he talking about?
Gould: Let me give you some insider news.
Stlsports: Sure, Rich, whatever.
Gould: I once beat Malcom Briggs in a White Castle eating contest. He bet me five dollars and I killed 'em. Thirty-two sliders in ten minutes! That's how you win Emmys, baby. Kiss the ring!
Stlsports: What ring?
Gould: Listen, I have stuff that needs to get done elsewhere. Are we about done wasting my time here?
Stlsports: Rich, I was hoping we could talk about Cardinals baseball for a little while.
Gould: What do you want to hear? Most of the team has been phoning it in since about May, and the idiot owners refuse to increase payroll. That and the new stadium is a giant neon ad with smaller seats and expensive consessions. But hey, at least the owner boxes are nicer, those greedy hosers. And can we please get someone who can hit and catch. Do we need to put it on a tee for you, Yadier? I can't believe that we got an offensive downgrade from Mike Matheney. Don't even get me started on Dave Duncan and his "reclamation projects". Listen, pitching coaches don't tackle expensive reclamation projects, that's what they do on 'This Old House'.
Stlsports: You know, Rich, I think we are about out of time. Uh, thanks for the interview.
Gould: Good. I have some tape of those half-assed Redbirds to review and try to pretend to be excited about. You know, next time you ask for an interview, have a fruit plate or something in the green room. I'm starving, and now I have to go by Hardee's on the way home. Thanks for nothing.
[This story is a satire of public figures and of course the interview never happened.]
[Rich Gould is actually about the nicest guy in the world, and BTW, I really am a big Rich Gould fan.]
[Thanks KPN a/k/a KarateChop]
Stlsports: I'm here with Rich Gould, longtime St. Louis sports journalist for channel 11 and host of The Fan Show. How are you tonight, Rich?
Gould: Just fine, thanks. Let's get this interview going. I have places to be.
Stlsports: Tell me about your latest project, The Fan Show. How did it begin? What do you like or dislike about it?
Gould: Well, as far as what I dislike, how about the fact that it is shot at the Casino Queen, often after dark.
Stlsports: What's wrong with the Casino Queen?
Gould: Nothing is wrong with the Casino Queen, except for those idiotic talking slot machine commercials. It's getting to the Casino Queen that's the problem. It is in freaking East St. Louis. That's insane. Is there no other place in the metro area that we could shoot a sports show? You need like a full armored division to go in there at night. I swear, I think my producer is trying to get me killed.
Stlsports: Uh. Okay, Rich. Well tell me about the premise of the show.
Gould: We interview fans. That's pretty much it.
Stlsports: You seem to enjoy yourself.
Gould: I hate those damn fans. Too many fans. If there is one thing I hate about the fan show, besides where it's shot, it is the stupid-assed fans.
Stlsports: What is the matter with the fans? I thought we had the most knowledgable fans in the game of baseball.
Gould: Why? Because you can all keep score? Whooptie-doo. That's not exactly a skill that translates into the real world. Instead of studying statistics, they should be learning to read another language or how to play the stock market. But no, they brag about knowing the OPS for some bench player. Losers!
Stlsports: I see, Rich, well ...
Gould: And you know what else? They talk about stuff like they are Peter Gammons. Watching Sportscenter and regurgitating the same crap over and over on the call in lines does not mean that you are smart. It means that you have basic cable. Get a life, people.
Stlsports: Well, Rich, I am sorry that you feel ...
Gould: And let me answer your next question for you. What St. Louis sportscaster would I love to fight? Here it is:
Stlsports: Uh, that wasn't my...
Gould: Steve Savard, that prettyboy on channel 4. He was bragging that he could break walnuts with his buttcheeks at Blueberry Hill last night. BS! I could totally kick his ass.
Stlsports [to producer] : What the hell is he talking about?
Gould: Let me give you some insider news.
Stlsports: Sure, Rich, whatever.
Gould: I once beat Malcom Briggs in a White Castle eating contest. He bet me five dollars and I killed 'em. Thirty-two sliders in ten minutes! That's how you win Emmys, baby. Kiss the ring!
Stlsports: What ring?
Gould: Listen, I have stuff that needs to get done elsewhere. Are we about done wasting my time here?
Stlsports: Rich, I was hoping we could talk about Cardinals baseball for a little while.
Gould: What do you want to hear? Most of the team has been phoning it in since about May, and the idiot owners refuse to increase payroll. That and the new stadium is a giant neon ad with smaller seats and expensive consessions. But hey, at least the owner boxes are nicer, those greedy hosers. And can we please get someone who can hit and catch. Do we need to put it on a tee for you, Yadier? I can't believe that we got an offensive downgrade from Mike Matheney. Don't even get me started on Dave Duncan and his "reclamation projects". Listen, pitching coaches don't tackle expensive reclamation projects, that's what they do on 'This Old House'.
Stlsports: You know, Rich, I think we are about out of time. Uh, thanks for the interview.
Gould: Good. I have some tape of those half-assed Redbirds to review and try to pretend to be excited about. You know, next time you ask for an interview, have a fruit plate or something in the green room. I'm starving, and now I have to go by Hardee's on the way home. Thanks for nothing.
[This story is a satire of public figures and of course the interview never happened.]
[Rich Gould is actually about the nicest guy in the world, and BTW, I really am a big Rich Gould fan.]
[Thanks KPN a/k/a KarateChop]
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