I recently sat down with local sportscaster Rich Gould of KPLR channel 11 in St. Louis. Rich has been on channel 11 for as long as I can remember and became known for his down-to-earth broadcasting style and his quirky antics on the air. He can be seen interviewing fans during Cardinals telecasts and after game on The Fan Show. I am sure Rich has won a local Emmy or two, not that it's a big deal, since they give those things out like candy on a local level. Here is the text of that interview:
Stlsports: I'm here with Rich Gould, longtime St. Louis sports journalist for channel 11 and host of The Fan Show. How are you tonight, Rich?
Gould: Just fine, thanks. Let's get this interview going. I have places to be.
Stlsports: Tell me about your latest project, The Fan Show. How did it begin? What do you like or dislike about it?
Gould: Well, as far as what I dislike, how about the fact that it is shot at the Casino Queen, often after dark.
Stlsports: What's wrong with the Casino Queen?
Gould: Nothing is wrong with the Casino Queen, except for those idiotic talking slot machine commercials. It's getting to the Casino Queen that's the problem. It is in freaking East St. Louis. That's insane. Is there no other place in the metro area that we could shoot a sports show? You need like a full armored division to go in there at night. I swear, I think my producer is trying to get me killed.
Stlsports: Uh. Okay, Rich. Well tell me about the premise of the show.
Gould: We interview fans. That's pretty much it.
Stlsports: You seem to enjoy yourself.
Gould: I hate those damn fans. Too many fans. If there is one thing I hate about the fan show, besides where it's shot, it is the stupid-assed fans.
Stlsports: What is the matter with the fans? I thought we had the most knowledgable fans in the game of baseball.
Gould: Why? Because you can all keep score? Whooptie-doo. That's not exactly a skill that translates into the real world. Instead of studying statistics, they should be learning to read another language or how to play the stock market. But no, they brag about knowing the OPS for some bench player. Losers!
Stlsports: I see, Rich, well ...
Gould: And you know what else? They talk about stuff like they are Peter Gammons. Watching Sportscenter and regurgitating the same crap over and over on the call in lines does not mean that you are smart. It means that you have basic cable. Get a life, people.
Stlsports: Well, Rich, I am sorry that you feel ...
Gould: And let me answer your next question for you. What St. Louis sportscaster would I love to fight? Here it is:
Stlsports: Uh, that wasn't my...
Gould: Steve Savard, that prettyboy on channel 4. He was bragging that he could break walnuts with his buttcheeks at Blueberry Hill last night. BS! I could totally kick his ass.
Stlsports [to producer] : What the hell is he talking about?
Gould: Let me give you some insider news.
Stlsports: Sure, Rich, whatever.
Gould: I once beat Malcom Briggs in a White Castle eating contest. He bet me five dollars and I killed 'em. Thirty-two sliders in ten minutes! That's how you win Emmys, baby. Kiss the ring!
Stlsports: What ring?
Gould: Listen, I have stuff that needs to get done elsewhere. Are we about done wasting my time here?
Stlsports: Rich, I was hoping we could talk about Cardinals baseball for a little while.
Gould: What do you want to hear? Most of the team has been phoning it in since about May, and the idiot owners refuse to increase payroll. That and the new stadium is a giant neon ad with smaller seats and expensive consessions. But hey, at least the owner boxes are nicer, those greedy hosers. And can we please get someone who can hit and catch. Do we need to put it on a tee for you, Yadier? I can't believe that we got an offensive downgrade from Mike Matheney. Don't even get me started on Dave Duncan and his "reclamation projects". Listen, pitching coaches don't tackle expensive reclamation projects, that's what they do on 'This Old House'.
Stlsports: You know, Rich, I think we are about out of time. Uh, thanks for the interview.
Gould: Good. I have some tape of those half-assed Redbirds to review and try to pretend to be excited about. You know, next time you ask for an interview, have a fruit plate or something in the green room. I'm starving, and now I have to go by Hardee's on the way home. Thanks for nothing.
[This story is a satire of public figures and of course the interview never happened.]
[Rich Gould is actually about the nicest guy in the world, and BTW, I really am a big Rich Gould fan.]
[Thanks KPN a/k/a KarateChop]
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