Bullpen phone wiretapped by NSA

In a startling turn of events in the war on terror, the US federal government was required by a recent court ruling to discontinue the use of unauthorized telephone wiretaps and, in some limited cases, disclose the nature of the surveillance. Tony Snow, the White House press secretary, has announced that several Major League Baseball teams have been the target of covert investigations, including the St. Louis Cardinals, who had their bullpen phone wiretapped. Team management and the fans were outraged at the news and demanded an immediate explanation.

Several days after the initial disclosure, Snow was asked at a press conference about the Bush administration' interest in the Cardinals. Snow replied, "We were investigating solid leads in several clubhouses, including the Cardinals'. We were looking into the affairs of a man named Jason Isringhausen." Jason 'Izzy' Isringhausen, born in America and from nearby Brighton, Illinois, was shocked and awed at the news. When asked why Izzy was targeted, Snow stated, "That guy's last name is way too long, and accordingly we suspected that he was up to no good here in America. That's a pretty solid lead, a long last name. And, no, I don't care where he was born. Long last names are foreign, and foreign is scary. Shorter last names are good, like Bush, Rice, Snow, Alito and Gore. Wait .. not Gore."

Reached for comment, Cardinals General Manager Walt Jocketty recalled, "This is not the first time that we have had some controversy regarding the bullpen phone. Back in 2003, we had quite a few 1-900 numbers getting called during games late in the season. I think that pretty much explained why our relief pitching tanked at the end of that year's campaign. So we restricted the line to only accept calls from the dugout. Duh, why hadn't we thought of that before? All I can say about the '03 bullpen is that someone really liked to talk to women with 'huge asses' and the bill was accordingly huge. Do you get it? Huge and huge? Dude, I rock."

Tony Snow later elaborated on the government's investigation, noting that, "We had also been really looking into the Royals' clubhouse. You've got guys there named Grudzeilanek and Meintkeiwicz in the same clubhouse. I mean, what could those two be talking about, huh? Seriously, think about it. That's a major red flag."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]