Across the country, fantasy football drafts are taking place. One of stlsports' draft parties was this past weekend, and in this league a draft party tradition is to nominate the team owner who makes the worst pick of any given round to serve as the 'Beer Bitch' for the next round. The term beer bitch is simply defined as the guy who is responsible for keeping everyone else's beer at optimal volumes. At the conclusion of the draft, the team owner with the most votes throughout the draft was made the Beer Bitch for the remainder of the evening, which consisted of a barbeque, drunken wiffleball, poker and video gaming.
The draft went well, and several managers made several bad decisions throughout the evening. As the draft wound down, it appeared that the grand poobah Beer Bitch for the night would be one of three particularly inept individuals. In the interest of keeping the identities of these people hidden, and thus preventing the shame and opprobrium that comes with such a title, fake names have been created. For Josh, we will call him Cupcake. For Chris, how about Dumpling. And for Mike, the perennial league doormat and regular behind-the-woodshed victim, let's go with, oh I don't know, Flapjack.
Of particular concern for Flapjack was that he had received Beer Bitch votes very consistently, even when he had made a good pick. He even managed to get votes for a draft round for which he did not have a pick. This raised suspicions of collusion amongst managers, as well as a vendetta from those with whom he would not trade. Flapjack's plan was simple: get so stupidly drunk that he would be too incapacitated to perform his duties. The plan worked, partially. Flapjack got blitzed, all right. In fact, he got so drunk that with his bare hands he picked up a searing hot metal pot off of the barbeque pit that was being used to cook Red Hot Wings. Blinded by pain and stupidity, Flapjack was done for the night. The final voting cast the title of Beer Bitch upon Flapjack, who was unable to muster the ability to pour beer with his one working hand. He is useless, and may all of his players go on the disabled list.
As to the other league hacks, Dumpling earned most of his votes early-on in the draft, having selected rookies and injured players, as well as several has-beens. Although Dumpling has made some progress in the past, I predict a 180 degree turnaround this season and complete regression. Cupcake was nice enough to host the party, although the high nerd content of the event made it seem a little Dungeons and Dragon-ish. Seriously, there was a league power point recap (a la EA Games), which included highlights from last years' teams and playoff bracket, an update on league rules and football clip art taken [undoubtedly] without regard for copyright from the ESPN website. Cupcake, like a true fantasy footballer, had his very sick wife taking care of herself in the next room while he hosted the party. In fact, she even came out to help him with the food and beverages. What a trooper.
Coming up this week for stlsports is another fantasy football draft, this one with my wife's brothers and their friends. They are a more casual bunch, and each game is met with an optional alcoholic side bet. Only Jimmy, who we will call Sugarpie to hide his identity, welches on his side bets and cannot be trusted in making trades. Shame on you, Sugarpie. The rest of the group is an honest, drunken bunch, and I look forward to playing again this season.
Good luck, stlsports readers, in your fantasy football drafts and subsequent seasons. Just remember, too much sitting in front of a computer managing your team can make you sterile.
[This story is not a satire at all, but a true account of sports nerds. This all happened, I am sorry to say.]
[As you can see, it was a busy weekend - sorry for the no-post-Monday.]
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