Medical Update: Bleeding Blue not actually healthy

A team of physicians at Washington University School of Medicine has recently released a detailed report, the result of a multi-million dollar, three-year campaign aimed at answering one of the most intruiging questions in all of St. Louis: Do you bleed blue? The answer: You better not.

"Apparently, when you bleed, it should be red," observed Roscoe Johnson, the lead researcher on this project. "You see, it just isn't healthy to bleed blue. If you are bleeding blue, you might have some food dye in your blood, for example. Food dye should not be in your blood. Or maybe toilet bowl cleaner. Who would want that in their blood? I think that this is a totally irresponsible campaign launched by the Blues." Johnson was referring to the St. Louis Blues hockey club advertisements.

Stlsports asked the university president if he was aware that 'bleeding blue' is not a literal term, but instead a euphamism for team loyalty, to which he responded, "No." He went on to note that had someone mentioned that to him years ago, millions might not have been wasted on this project.

When asked why researchers at one of the top medical universities in the country would waste their time on something so stupid as this study, Roscoe Johnson responded, "The federal government gives out so much money each year, you see. If you don't use it all in one year, then you get less the next year. So in a few years we might really need all of that cash, so we have to find ways to use it when we don't need it. It really is quite simple. For example, I am planning for next year a study on how many gallons of pickle brine an average person should consume in a week. Really, this is fascinating stuff, and the public should thank us for helping enlighten them. In fact, where is my damned Nobel prize?"

Pressed further, Johnson commented that "bleeding blue, even in the team loyalty metaphorical sense, is also not that healthy." Apparently studies have shown that Blues fans are more likely to binge drink, typically around the end of the first round of the NHL playoffs. Statistics also show that bridge jumper numbers tend to increase around that time, as well as pornographic video sales. "You see, being a Blues fan is just not good for you. As an alternative, I suggest watching the WNBA, where fundamentals and teamwork are emphasised. In fact, I have theorized that watching the WNBA might well be shown to cure cancer, if done while sitting on a microwave. I plan to conduct a lengthy and costly study on the subject through Washington University, starting this fall."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]