The St. Louis Blues hockey franchise is coming off of a terrible season, and that is putting it nicely. The team managed to obtain a league-low 57 points and established franchise records for fewest sellouts, most shutout losses, lowest attendance, fewest points, fewest goals, most losses and the fewest cheap taco celebrations. After drafting the number one overall prospect, things seemed to be looking up. However, he wised up and went to college to get an education, as insurance in the likely event that the leauge folds and the players are forced to work at real jobs. He was also hoping to play for a winning college team and get paid nothing, instead of making millions schlepping away in the Savvis center for a losing club. And who says today's youth isn't intelligent? Additionally, new team ownership has decided to fill the roster with mildly expensive, mildly old talent that would have been an awesome team if it was 1998. Needless to say, things are not looking up at the Blues' front office.
The latest indignity suffered by the Bluenote has been the devaluation of their tickets. It used to be that a Blues ticket was the hottest thing in town, at the old Arena, excluding Steamers tickets, or Icecapades tickets. But now, people who bought tickets are having trouble reselling them. Local ticket scalper broker Roscoe Johnson, who would only speak on the condition of anonymity because of the illegality of his actions, noted that, "I just can't move these damn Blues tickets. I have a whole wheelbarrow full of them at home, and no one seems to want to buy them. Some local kids have been buying them at less than face value because apparently when rolled up they make good cigarette paper, but beyond that, I have no takers." Johnson is somewhat of a pioneer in curbside ticket resale, having come up with the idea of printing laminated signs that read 'I need tickets' and having the seating chart of the venue for which he needs tickets printed on the reverse side of the sign. "Only the most reputable scalpers, I mean uh ticket resale specialists, use my signs. They are a trademark of local scam artists, uh I mean public servants."
Courtesy of my last interviewee, I took some of the unsold Blues tickets for the upcoming season with me down to the local homeless shelter. These particular tickets were for luxury boxes, where food and beverages are provided for free. Local homeless person Roscoe Johnson, upon being offered the tickets, stated that, "Although food and drink is provided and it is a luxury suite, I would still have to sit through the Blues game. I guess I could go early, have my fill, and then leave before they drop the puck. Otherwise, I am not really interested."
And so the Blues tickets have dropped to the financial level of Confederate money, Monopoly TM money and Pesos; pretty much worthless and certainly not worth their own face value. Team owner Dave Checketts, commenting on the status of his franchise, noted that "I bought this team cheap. But I did not realize how cheap. I guess I got in a litte bit over my head. My only hope is to put a winning product on the ice and win back some fans. But I think we all know that a winning product is a few years away, and by 'a few years' I mean a damn long time. Hey, would you like to buy a hockey franchise?"
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
[This is coming from a former hockey fan. The strike made me realize that I could easily live without hockey. Good work, morons.]
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