Scouting Report: Mulder's curve rated 'awesome' with Wiffleball

Cardinals lefty Mark Mulder has been absolutely terrible for the past few months. Since getting lit up like a Kennedy at a Christmas party in the White Sox series, he has been throwing nothing but grapefruit pitches that look like underhanded beach balls to the batters. Accordingly, his game has dropped off and Cardinal Nation is in an uproar. Even AAA batters had their way with Mulder, who has earned the name "Red-Headed Stepchild" in the team locker room. This is not the starting pitcher that the team thought it was getting when it traded away two top prospects and a fine bullpen pitcher.

But Mulder has recently found something to be optomistic about. It seems that his slider is back, and his curveball has amazing movement to it. Additionally, he has discovered a two seam fastball, as well as a riser, which is something only seen in womens' softball. This is all thanks to a change in his equipment and a little miracle called the Wiffleball TM.

In what league scouts have called 'awesome', Mulder has been baffling hitters during bullpen sessions and simulated games. Equipment Manager Rip Rowan noted that "Mark's location has been off, and he had no movement on any of his pitches. But then my buddy invited me over to a barbeque last week and we played something called Wiffleball TM. I knew then that this was the miracle that Mark needed to get his game back."

A Wiffleball TM is a plastic baseball-sized ball that has a bunch of longitudinal holes in one hemisphere, and depending on how the ball is thrown, it can do crazy things. Pitching coach Dave Duncan explained that "since Mulder is a lefty, when he throws the Wiffleball TM with the holes to his right, he gets a slider. When it has the holes to the left, he gets a changeup / two seam fastball. The holes down creates a curve / sinker and the holes up creates a riser. See, it is all explained here on the Wiffleball TM box."

Now that he has his game back, and even some improvements, Mark has been baffling batting practice hitters. Outfielder Juan Encarnacion commented on getting schooled by Mulder in a session, "Man, that ball was all over the place. I just couldn't make contact at all. Of course, at that point in the simulated game, there were simulated runners in scoring position, and I can't hit worth a damn with runners in scoring position, so it was really an unfair test."

League commissioner Bud Selig, when approached about the possibility of letting Mark use the Wiffleball TM in live-game situations, asked that he not be informed of anything that is going on in the game to give any players an advantage. "I prefer to bury my head in the sand on this one," said Mr. Selig. "Once Mark has set the league records for most strikeouts in a game and shutouts in a season will I launch a half-assed investigation. Only then."

[This story is a satire of public figures. And Wiffleballs TM are awesome.]