Elliot Davis' "You Paid For It" visits Busch Stadium

Elliot Davis, the hard-hitting investigative news reporter for television station KMOV (the local CBS affilliate), is known for his aggressive and relentless pursuit of justice for the ripped-off. On his "You Paid For It" news segments, he regularly gets answers when others cannot, and thus he is respected both in his field and by the viewers. Davis recently paid a visit to the offices of Cardinals owner Bill DeWitt, and the stlsports blog news team was invited to tag along.

Davis, stlsports and a KMOV camera crew approached the new Busch Stadium, unsure what kind of resistance we would be encountering. We entered the main executive office lobby, and proceeded towards the large wooden double doors, behind which sat the most important people in St. Louis sports. "Sir, you can't go in there," shouted the receptionist. Davis, disregarding her completely, turned to me and said, "If I had a dollar for every time some secretary, receptionist, security guard, judge, federal agent or air marshall told me I couldn't do something or go somewhere, I would be a friggin' millionare, baby. That's what real journalism is about." He added, "Take a lesson, son," possibly implying that reporting fake insider sports news is somehow not real journalism.

Upon entering the executive office suite, we made our way to team president Mark Lamping's office. Mr. Lamping appeared to be reading the back pages of The Riverfront Times, when he looked up and saw Davis in his doorway. Before anyone could say anything, Lamping threw down his paper, knocked over his coffee and shouted, "Oh, shit, it's Elliot Davis!" He then proceeded to hurl his body through the large window in his office. As shrill screams and honking car horns filled the office from the street below, Davis casually looked at me and said, "Well, that happens more often than you might think. For some reason, I just get that kind of reaction from lots of people."

We left the crime scene and went down the hall towards other personell offices. Walt Jocketty came out of his office, and looked up at us with a stunned expression on his face. "Dammit, what are you doing here?," pondered Jocketty out loud. He continued, stating that, "I have seen enough editions of your show to know that when Elliot Friggin Davis and a camera crew come into your office, you had better start running in the other direction. Listen, Walt doesn't know where all of that missing baseball equipment wound up. I am serious. I know I am sweating, but Walt likes his chicken hot. It's the Kung Pow!" Mr. Jocketty then hastily ran out of the offices and could be seen minutes later speeding away down Broadway in his Mercedes, hurling what appeared to be helmets and gloves out of his window.

Finally, we arrived at the doors to Mr. Bill DeWitt's private chambers, and Davis prepared himself for the most aggressive and confrontational interview in at least twenty four hours. Davis barged right in and the bright camera lights turned on. "What are you doing here? You can't be in here!", shouted DeWitt, clearly flustered. "Mr. DeWitt, I'm here to get some hard answers," began Davis, who went on to heavily criticize the owner for mismanaging funds and making several unwise business decisions, despite pleading letters from paying customers.

After berating the team owner on camera, and having been finally thrown out of the building by security, our evening was complete. It seemed to stlsports to be a poor climax to what was going to be an amazing news story. Davis opined that we had "done some real good tonight." Did we, Elliot? I'm not so sure about that. All we did was harass a wealthy, stingy businessman who now has to cut player salaries to hire more security guards and install more cameras.

The fans have not been vindicated. It is the players who will suffer. Poor Jimmy Edmonds won't get his extension picked up thanks to you, Elliot Davis. Darn you, Elliot Davis. You and your hard-hitting reporting. I think the lesson here is to never ask tough questions of important people. Holding people accountable only hurts the little guys, like Jim Edmonds. I am so sorry, Jimmy.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

[Now that I have written it, I have to say it is pretty dumb. Oh well.]