News from the Major League Baseball winter meetings that Saint Louis Cardinals skipper Tony LaRussa requested a sit-down with 'roid-master Barry Bonds has been met with some hostility in St. Louis. Our fair city has seen its fair share of violence, but today people from all walks of life have been rioting in response to the remote possibility that Bonds could join the World Champion Cardinals. From downtown to Creve Coeur, regular citizens have been voicing their anger in the largest riots this country has seen since the Rodney King beating verdicts were released. Even in the wake of news that Bonds will be returning to San Francisco, some members of the area rioting community are dissatisfied and will continue their looting, pillaging and mayhem until their ire is seethed completely.
Mayor Francis Slay, reached for comment, noted, "I was hit on the head with a beer bottle on the way into work today. I know what you are thinking, and no, it was not Dominique Byrd. His ass is in custody. It was some white guy in a suit who had just helped a roving mob flip over a car and set it on fire." Noticably shaken, the mayor continued, "I have never seen such reckelessness, unless of course you count the spending by the public school board, but I digress. This wodespread panic and disorder must be contained. I only wish that I controlled the police, but that is in the governor's hands. See, the antiquated laws from the civil war era put the city police under the control of the governor, so I am essentially impotent here. Maybe that was not the best word... let's say powerless. I don't want to give the wrong idea, if you know what I mean. I am all man."
Team president Mark Lamping has begged the populace to cease its anarchist activities, particularly noting, "This behavior is not something the smartest baseball fans in the country would do. Smart baseball fans would realize that we would never sign Bonds and that the whole LaRussa story was fabricated. Please stop burning and looting. Especially at the Cardinals team store. No more looting there, please! That comes out of my paycheck!"
The San Francisco Giants decided to reclaim the clubhouse cancer that is Barry Bonds with a sixteen million dollar contract for one season, making him wildly overpaid, but not as overpaid as the rest of the idiots getting signed this offseason. As the news of this resigning spread, the violence decreased in the metro area, and only the most zealous and hardcore Cardinal fans and rioters continued their pillaging tirade. Said one criminal, "I have been watching Cardinal baseball all of my life. We had to put up with Tino Martinez, and then they got us Juan Encarnacion. Those were bad moves I could deal with at the time, but to even consider Bonds is so insulting that I have to flip over cars and set them on fire. I am just so mad."
Nancy Pelosi, a congresswoman from San Francisco, added, "I am so happy to see Barry back in my fruity little town. He is so great for the city. I swear, if I was a man, I would marry him in a heartbeat. Barry represents real 'Frisco family values and down-to-earth social responsibility. His attitude and demeanor really play well in my town and we are so lucky to have him. We are all richer for his presence and hopefully he will continue to show us the exceptional character that I have come to appreciate."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
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