Assless chaps makes unacceptable attire list

The St. Louis Blues, in an effort to revamp a struggling team, have fired former head coach Mike Kitchen and replaced him with veteran coach Andy Murray. Kitchen's previous coaching experience was limited to assisting Joel Quenville with the Blues, and, while he is universally liked, he is not considered to be head coaching material. As is the case in most professional sports, onet team's trash is another's treasure, and after a few months of unemployment, subsequent to a firing from the Los Angeles Kings, the Blues called Murray in for an interview and hired him soon thereafter.

One of the first things on Andy Murray's agenda is to clean up some of the poor behavior in the locker room. Several veterans have been making messes and not cleaning them up, while others are pushing around the rookies a little too much, and efforts have been made to curb those issues. Loud music and profanity has been reduced by Murray's initiatives. Additionally, the players are to show up to and leave from games in suits. Murray expressed frustration at the clothing options that several players have been choosing.

Particularly troubling for Murray has been Doug Weight's habit of showing up to games at the arena in assless chaps and a 'No Fat Chicks' t-shirt. "I don't know what sort of stuff he picked up in Carolina," noted Murray, referring to Weight's brief stint there at the end of last season and into the playoffs, "but that is just plain unacceptable. At least he has had the common courtesy to wear jean cut-off hotpants under the chaps, but that is a little deranged for hockey players."

In addition to Weight's clothing choices, Bill Guerin has been wearing a woman's girdle under his sweatshirts. Guerin, reached for comment, said, "The men's girdle's aren't as soft on my skin, and I have sensitive skin. Look, I am old and I have a little bit of a pooch. Let's not discuss it, please." Other changes include veteran winger Jamal Mayers, who has been rumored to have nothing on under that body length trenchcoat that has become his trademark appearance, and defenseman Barrett Jackman, whose Halloween 'tube sock' incident need not be retold here.

Coach Murray noted, "This is about putting a respectable team on the ice. It starts with looking acceptable off the ice, not like some looney toon from San Francisco or something."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]