Today in the wee hours of the morning, Rams rookie Tight End Dominique Byrd got into a little bar scuffle with a patron at the trendy Pepper Lounge on Locust, near the original Schlafly restaurant. He has been charged with second degree assault and is expected to turn himself in tomorrow, according to news reports. Shockingly, Stlsports was not first to report the story, but is first to bring the detailed commentary given herein. The Rams front office, as well as fans and media alike, are all wondering the same thing: Why is this just now happening?
Reached for comment, coach Scott Linehan noted, "Sometimes when people see a pro ballplayer in public, they feel the need to mix up some trouble and act all tough. Dominique was just a victim of circumstance here. I don't think that anyone in their right mind would have a problem with a football player grabbing his female significant other in the butt. By stepping up to Dominique, this guy got what he deserved, and that was a quick crack over the head with a beer bottle." Team president John Shaw agreed, "I think that the Rams' trend of drafting risky players of questionable character with off the field issues has been pretty consistent. This is all part of our draft strategy. Some people draft for speed, others for size. We draft for high risk / high reward. Byrd was certainly high risk, and he finally came around to bring that risk to fruition, so good for him."
Byrd was similarly dismissive of the seriousness of this altercation, adding, "I don't even think it was much of a grab. More of a pinch. I only used my thumb and two fingers, so the media has been reporting this all wrong. Definitely not a grab. Thanks, Stlsports, for reporting this accurately." When asked if Byrd had actually taken a beer bottle and cracked someone much smaller than him over the head for questioning Byrd's actions, he replied, "Oh, well yeah, that part was accurate. Serves that guy right. I can touch whoever's butt I want whenever I want. You know I play in the NFL, man. Don't mess with me!" Byrd added, "And that bottle was a Schlafly bottle. Usually when I hit a fan in the head with a Schlafly bottle, they don't break. But here either this guy had a hard head or the bottle was defective. They should look into this problem over at Schlafly."
Police chief Joe Mokwa, frustrated with the incident, commented, "I cannot believe I am here at a press conference for this. We were ranked the most dangerous city in America. Not in the area, not in Missouri, not in the midwest. In America. The same America that has Loredo, TX, Detroit, MI, Compton, CA and freaking East St. Louis, IL! I have bigger things to worry about than some idiot stepping up to a pro football player and getting what was probably coming to him. Do they have these conferences in Cincinnati for Bengals players? No. Why? Because this is not news. Please leave me alone, you parasites."
John Shaw noted, "Remember a little something called Lawrence Phillips? That wound up working itself out, right? Off the field issues are just something that is a part of having an NFL team in the area. The sooner people realize that, the better things will be. Stop criticizing our picks and player management. I think we know what we are doing over at Rams Park. This has been an awful distraction and we need to get back to concentrating on winning games. In 2007."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
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