Originally a joke, Marquis contract actually binding

Jason Marquis was not the exemplar of fine starting pitching last season. He came close, in the 2006 campaign, to shattering the record for earned run average by a pitcher to lead his league in wins. Just a couple games that might have gone the Cardinals' way and he would be in infamous company. Regardless, Marquis earned a reputation both in the locker room and in the media as someone who refused to listen to coaching. While his talent might have been of high ceiling caliber, his mental state prevented him from attaining his true potential. It was commonly believed that if Leo Mazzone and Dave Duncan could not right his pitching ship, then no one could.

Despite these problems and his inconsistent play and his fastball's inexplicable desire to stay in the top half of the strike zone, the Chicago Cubs have signed Marquis to a three year contract valued at over twenty million dollars total. Many people are baffled, and the Cubs management has been cryptic in their response.

Reached for comment, manager Tony LaRussa mentioned, "Well, there is a sucker born every minute. I don't know what kind of medication they have Hendry on up there," referring to the recovering general manager, who had undergone some medical procedures lately, "but this is not what I would consider to be a smart business move. And believe me I know smart when I see it. I went to law school, you know. I am smart and I know smart when I see it. They don't call me the Supergenius Manager of the Century for nothing." When asked who specifically called him the 'Supergenius Manager of the Century', LaRussa remarked, "My laborador. His name is Steve."

Rumors coming out of Chicago have suggested that Hendry wanted to sign Marquis as a gag gift for new manager Lou Pinella. It turned out that Marquis was not in on the joke and signed a real contract. Pinella, reacting to the news of the joke contract, noted, "Well that IS pretty darn funny. Marquis! Whew, what a good one! That guy has some mental problems, and frankly he can unload his baggage somewhere else." It was then explained to Pinella that the contract turned out to be real, to which he replied, "This is a black day for baseball."

The Marquis scandal has rocked the Cubs media world, which was already struggling to understand why management would ever sign someone like Ted Lilly, a career losing pitcher with a mediocre earned run average to a lengthy contract for eight figures per season, and why a clubhouse pain in the rhumpus like Alfonso Soriano would be signed to one of the largest contracts in baseball history. In response to these rumors, Jim Hendry replied, "Aliens are coming to take over this planet, and I am going to be the ambassador to Jupiter. This I think is all the explanation you should need, and my reasons should be apparent. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a conference call with the aliens in five minutes. And I need to put on this lipstick and these women's clothes."

Despite all of the criticism, Marquis has remained steadfast in his position that this contract was not a frivilous waste of money entered into at the behest of a madman. Jason, when asked what he thought of the deal, explained, "Bwaaahahahahahahahaha!" Asked to elaborate, wiping some tears from his eyes, he continued, "Hahahahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahaha!"

[This story is a satire of public figures.]