Again Stlsports ventured out onto the St. Louis bar scene, and for once was talked out of the typical sports bar routine. Having just completed a rowdy Chinese restaurant wedding celebration, I was all geared up for a night on the town with the Stlsports high school crew when I got the call to head over to Johnny Gitto's. As this is most certainly not a sports bar, it doesn't really qualify for a sports bar review. But still something magical and sporty managed to creep into my evening that was athletic enough to mention in this blog, and that was the amazing invention that is Golden Tee.
As you will recall, anything remotely associated with sports is considered a sport. Even things that are remotely competitive are sports. The obvious sports involving balls, pucks or wickets are of course sports. Some of the fringe stuff on ESPN also gets the nod, like spelling bees, poker, and lumberjack competitions. I also include oft-debated pseudo-sports such as race car driving, keg throwing, chess, Scrabble, and binge eating. Heck, even some video games can be considered sports, and this leads me to Golden Tee. Johnny Gito's, like 99% of goodtime foodrinkeries in this country, has a Golden Tee machine in it. And there is always some drunk playing it. For the first time in my life last Saturday, I was that drunk.
Video games hold a hallowed place in the mind of Americans. I remember seeing the kid up the street playing Super Mario when it first came out, and it was beautiful. I remember my grandparents letting me rent the Simpsons video game for Nintendo and thinking it was amazing. I recall getting our first family gaming system, the Super Nintendo Entertainment System and plugging in F-Zero for the first time. It was like kissing God. How far we have come that games are so lifelike that you can almost not tell a live game from a video game on the same television. Golden Tee does for golf video gaming what Rock n' Roll Racing did for monster trucks.
Personally, I hate golf. I have a set of clubs, and they came from the thrift store. Since I play so infrequently, I only bought the odd numbered clubs. Why spend the cash on the even ones when the odd ones do so well? I spent ten bucks on the cheapo putter from Sports Authority and another ten bucks on the other ten clubs and the bag. My friend lives on a golf course, so I have an unlimited supply of a hodgepodge of miscellaneous golf balls at my disposal. (It should be noted that this same friend, after playing nine holes with me on his home course, has banned me from ever playing golf with him again for life.) Like Samuel Clemens once penned, "Golf is a good walk spoiled", or something like that. Since I dislike golf and find cheering out loud for it about as stupid as cheering for the Royals and as painful as wiping my ass with sandpaper, Golden Tee is not exactly first on my list of games to play. But, and I hate to admit this, it was kind of fun.
Flapjack bought the game, after I told him that I did not want to play. For only four dollars PER PERSON, you can enjoy an exciting half-round of virtual golf. Also playing was a completely wasted Unkie Herb, who was so lit that he later almost vomited on my sleeping child at three in the morning, having thought that he entered the bathroom. Way to go, Herb. Anyway, the Golden Tee game is pretty simple. You have a big white ball in the center of the console, and this is the main controller, a la Simpsons Bowling, a frequent favorite of mine at Blueberry Hill. Other non-essential buttons were on the side, but this big white ball was the key. It changed clubs, aimed the curve of the shot, did backspin, added or subtracted power and basically was the key to the whole game. Master this white ball and you can master the game.
But like so many games, Golden Tee is completely fully of luck, that is, the need to be lucky. I managed to sink a fifty (virtual) foot putt with a pretty half-assed swipe of the white ball, and suddenly a few drunken idiots came up to me to tell me how awesome the putt was. Quickly, let's review: I was drinking; the shot was half-assed; this guy was definitely drinking; the game is virtual golf; we were in a bar, full of men. Yet, this was something worth celebrating? I thought he would ask for my autograph, or at least but me a drink, the way he was lauding my performance. This is Golden Frickin' Tee, not the Ryder Cup. Golden Tee, where I was +15 after six holes (and not in last place thanks to Herb's incredible drunkeness). Pumped up high fiving drunks telling me how awesome I am? What an amazing game!
The bottom line is, if you don't like golf this game is definitely not for you. If you like drinking and playing boring video games, this is certainly the best thing going for you. I must caution you not to turn into Overzealous Golden Tee Guy. OGTG is the dude who jumps up and high fives after a big shot and then heckles his co-players. He swings the white orb so hard that he hits people behind him at the beginning of the shot and then whacks the screen with his open palm at the end of the shot. He is a complete waste of space, and Stlsports will punch this OGTG in the gut if he runs into him again. And by run into, I mean gets hit on the backswing and then being admonished for messing up his shot while walking past him in a crowded bar. Kiss my butt, OGTG.
Golden Tee deserves less credit, not more. It is a great game for wannabe golfers and actual drunken idiots with several dollars to spend at a time. Why not try Big Game Hunter or some other similar game, where for one simple dollar, you and three friends can shoot rabbits, cougars, cattle, moose and maybe even an elephant? Money more wisely spent. When faced with a dangerous situation, where your life is on the line, will you rely on your Golden Tee skills or the hunting game skills? Think about it.
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