Voodoo spell broken, Ankiel finally released

Stunning news came from the St. Louis Cardinals front office earlier today when it was announced that former rookie sensation Rick Ankiel was finally released from the organization. After a phenomenal 2000 rookie campaign, where he was near the top of the league in strikeouts, Ankiel struggled mightily in the playoffs, airmailing five pitches in one inning to the backstop. This performance has often been rumored as the foundation for manager Tony LaRussa's distrust of rookies in critical situations and his hesitation to use them in anything but an emergency. After attempting a couple comebacks as a pitcher, Rick decided in spring training of 2005 that he would remake himself as an outfielder, and the team continued to inexplicably stick with him. Only now, more than six years since his postseason implosion, has the front office finally cut ties with this hack former star. The move has been blamed on one thing: the breaking of a voodoo curse.

During the 2001 season, Ankiel could often be seen in the stands, basking in the glory of his hair gel and tanning booth lines from the box seats. After his offseason procedures, to both his body and his head, rumors were circulating that Rick might be sent packing. The forty man roster only held forty people, and was typically reserved for baseball players and not mental cases. Certain exceptions have been made in the past, but Ankiel was seemingly too risky to keep on the team. Those rumors caused the once-promising prospect to turn to the voodoo ways.

"I used to read the Riverfront Times while in St. Louis. Those back pages are bananas! Well, anyway, I saw some voodoo advertisements that promised to cast a spell on just about anything that I wanted. So I gave the guy a call and he hooked me up. Just a few hundred dollars later, and 'boom', I am on the forty man roster for a few more years." Rick declined to mention which voodoo person he went to see, only stating that he was completely satisfied with the voodoo magic. "As I understand it, voodoo is some kind of religion and not just a funny joke. I also heard that witchcraft is a religion but that they call it wiccan? Is that really true? This is all so strange. I expected to have to bring some eye of newt or something like that, but just eight hundred dollars cash was all he needed."

Team owner Bill DeWitt had little explanation, noting, "Well the last thing I remember about the Ankiel business was calling Walt [Jocketty] to tell him to get that bum off of the forty man roster. Then suddenly, well... I don't really remember what happened. I was completely oblivious to the whole Ankiel issue. Then he stayed on the roster and kept pulling in money. I heard that the voodoo guy died or something and then someone told me what had happened. So we cut his ass loose like we should have years ago. Now we can go about conducting our business sensibly and getting our starting pitching in line. I have looked at the pitchers available and our finances, and I believe we should actively pursue Jeff Fassero and waste no time doing so."

Reached for comment, Fassero noted, "Ankiel called me and recommended voodoo to me. We spent some time bonding on the bench back in the earlier part of this decade. Let me tell you, I love that kid."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]