More rejected headlines from the area's leading sports satire blog:
LaRussa cracks top five mullet listing [I wrote the title and never got back to it. Then I realized he didn't really have much of a mullet anymore. Reminds me of the time we went to the Monster Truck show with the disposable mullet cam ... another time perhaps.]
Full of profanities and inappropriate photographs, Scott Rolen's MySpace page taken down [He seems so wholesome and midwest, he was the right candidate to nominate for a terms-of-use violation on MySpace.]
Leonard Little signs three year taxicab endorsement [Too bad he wasn't elected to the ProBowl this season. Too bad I keep referring to his off the field issues.]
Holiday family poker game turns ugly [My in-laws have holiday family poker games several times a year, and there is rarely any trouble, despite the incredible amount of drinking that is going on. One day, a brawl will break out on a really really bad beat to a sloppy drunk idiot, and I hope I am not that idiot.]
Beer makes hockey bearable [The thing is, beer actually makes hockey just as unbearable right now as it would be sober. I cannot believe they stink this badly.]
Monday Night Football Surprise: Kevin Curtis graduated from Bovine University [If you missed the Simpsons episode where Lisa swears off meat, this makes no sense. Even if you saw that one, this is still pretty dumb.]
Blues anticipate being eliminated from playoffs by Friday [Of course they are not mathematically eliminated, at least not yet, but that is a small triviality.]
Rams looking to trade down in first round for defensive bust [This joke was used as a sub-line in a previous post, so no need to reuse it.]
Zito: Sure, I'd pitch for the Cardinals. If winged monkey's came out of Jocketty's ass! Carrying millions of dollars to me! [You needed to have seen the LaRussa 'har-de-har-har' 'Barry Zito' press conference for this to make any sense. The title was longer in draft.]
Concerned Rams see no obvious high risk, high talent players available [Did I mention my dislike for the Rams' drafting?]
Twenty story neon sign to replace very undersized Hardee's sign at Busch [The Hardee's sign at Busch right now can be seen from space.]
Just like old times, Blues cannot beat Red Wings with Hull in the building [I am sure the Blues' record with Hull against Detroit is actually not so bad.]
So Taguchi: Where was that million dollar posting process when I came over? [Referencing D-Matz and the BoSox's absurd price paid to talk to the dude.]
Suppan, encouraged by Marquis, waiting for crazy offer [This headline has no place on a satire sports blog, of course, because it is completely true.]
Magnum condums found in white player's locker raise eyebrows [This is a family blog, and there is no room for those kind of jokes here.]
WNBA expansion group laughed out of city council meeting [Again, this might actually happen in real life.]
Marshall Faulk finally punches Michael Irvin in the face live on NFL Network [I wish this would happen, but it won't. Not that anyone here would be able to see it, anyway.]
'Tough Actin' Tinactin, when sprayed on Pujols' flaming feet, only worsens the problem [Why is spraying aerosol on an open flame on human flesh a good idea? Oh, wait, this was suggested by John Madden.]
Competitive sports video gamer unable to back up smack talking with game play [Talking trash to video game opponents? Studly. Totally studly.]
After saving a dying child on-air, Kornheiser still disliked by viewers [Why people dislike him so much, I will never know. So he's not Howard Cosell. At least he's not Dennis Miller.]
Torry Holt wears unfly suit in post-game interview [He's well dressed, in case you haven't noticed.]
College rugby tournament suspended due to beer shortage [This, again, probably has actually happened.]
[These stories would have been satires of public figures.]
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