Sports Bar Review: Saint Louis Sports Zone

Stlsports, in continuing the efforst to bring a wide range of sports-related topics to its readers, adds another installment of the Saint Louis area sports bar review columns. This weekend, Stlsports and a host of degenerates visited the St. Louis Sports Zone on Watson Road for the first stop on a bachelor party. The specific details are described herein:

A little background on the party: The bachelor party was for our dear friend Wang. Really, that is his last name and with a name like Wang, how can you not make some pretty kick-assed t-shirts. So everyone had a T that said "I survived Wang's bachelor party" and on the back it said "Wangfest 2006 (Not as gay as it sounds)". Incidentally, my wife assured me that some gay person would be offended. First, I am sorry if saying that something we dubbed Wangfest, which could be interpreted as pretty gay, needed a disclaimer on the official t-shirt. Second, who the hell is going to come up to a crew of rowdy twentysomethings and say how offended he is because he is gay? Third, welcome to America, home of the First Amendment, without which I would have been sued through space and time because of this blog. So back to the shirts, obviously the bachelor's shirt was pink with the word WANG in huge letters across the chest. We started at the Sports Zone and moved on from there, to places we dare not type here.

A little background on the bar: When this place opened a few years back, I had heard it was an ESPN Zone, but it was of course not true. Rumor has it an ESPN Zone will be put in the future Ballpark Village. The Sports Zone has a million televisions and tons of bar games. It is basically a huge sports bar in a strip mall. Lots of people go there and they have built up a pretty good brand name in their brief existance.

I called the bar waaaay too late to reserve a space for the party, so we decided to just show up and take over a portion of the bar. The other rooms / spaces were already reserved for other parties. When I talked to the guy on the phone, he just about pleaded with me to still come in and apologized repeatedly that he could not get us a reserved space. Then he told me that we could have a deal on pizza and wings and he would make sure we were taken care of. Sounded pretty darned good to me and this guy was really appreciative of the business, so we told him to look for us when we got there. STLSZ Management Sales Pitch / Promises / Attitude Grade: A

Of course when we got there, I told the waitress that I spoke to a manager a few days before and that we would get a deal on food and possibly drinks. I don't know if it was her fault or one of the managers' fault or if it was just too darned busy to worry about us, but we never saw those guys and we did not get a deal on food. Oh well. To be completely fair, the place was pretty darned busy and I did not bring in as many people as I had indicated on the phone, due to some late cancellations. And everyone else ordered other stuff besides pizza and wings. Still, it would have been nice to see one of those guys come over to our tables. STLSZ Management Follow-Up on Telephone Promises Grade: D

Three or four college games were going on, including the Big 12 and SEC championship games, so the place was packed. We took over the three tables at the front of the televisions, much to the vexation of those who were watching the games. If you wanted to see a game, it was probably on. I am sure that if you asked nicely enough, they would turn on Sky Sports and get in a rugby or cricket game. So many TVs. It was an attention deficit disorder sufferer's nightmare. A big plus was that the video games were excellent. The group seemed to fixate on a hunting game, where the controller is a shotgun. This game was a little off, as cougars, cows, and rabbits were regular targets. The best part was that the speakers for the TV were not next to the TV, but instead throughout the bar on the sound system. This made sitting in front of the televisions bearable and not deafening. A huge plus! STLSZ Electronic Entertainment Grade: A

The waitress was pretty cute. They all had little t-shirt jerseys on and ours had a tight-fitting one, as should have been the case. She was sometimes delayed with drinks, but again this could have been due to the high volume of customers in the bar that night. She was not very knowledgable about the hard liquor selection, something critical for waiting on a bachelor party! A big no-no occurred when she casually lamented, giving specific numbers, the bad tip she had previously gotten from a similar party, as if to warn us in advance that we should not hose her over on our tip. Listen, people get screwed on tips all the time in many jobs, and it has happened to everyone. We don't need to hear it and it will not increase your tip. Rapid beer production and a flirty attitude with a tight t-shirt will, however, increase the tip. Lucky for her, she was cute, had a tight t-shirt, got flirtier as we got drunker and the beer came faster as the place thinned out. She also played nice in our embarrass-the-bachelor photos, earning percentage points in gratuity. Oh, and there were a few other hot waitresses present in the bar that night. STLSZ Waitress Grade: B+

Cupcake, who got so drunk that he almost fell out of a minivan into the parking lot at the end of the night, had a quesadilla. This solid food did not prevent his projectile cookie-tossing later on, but it seemed to be pretty tasty-looking from afar. Doghair ordered two baskets of waffle fries for himself. Flapjack had cigarettes for dinner. Unkie Herb and I split a BBQ Chicken PIzza and it was absolutely amazing, as is often the case with bar food when drinking. It is not the best BBQ chicken pizza I have ever had, but it was darn good. Incidentally, Wang was too busy doing shots to eat. Luckily he had some Ramen, or whatever it is he regularly eats, before coming out. Joe Jr, who agreed to be random Asian guy for the night, ordered cheezy bread, got cheezy fries instead, and was not so upset. The bread later arrived, and we were not charged for the fries, which we devoured anyway. The bottom line is the food came out quick and tasty and was not that expensive. STLSZ Food Grade: A-

We ordered shots - lots of shots - for Wang. We requested 'the gayest shot you have', which smelled like a girl's dorm room candle; Mandirin (get it?); Citron; Goldschlager; Jaeger; baaaaad tequila; 'the worst gin you have'; a three wise men; two jaeger bombs; a long island tea; several beers. The toast of the night came from Joe Jr to his fellow Asian compatriot Wang - "Here's to slanty eyes and mathematics". That is a direct quote. The beer came out quicker as the night went on, and the same can be said about the hard alcohol. The final tab was outrageous, but nine guys pounding booze and food over several hours seems to add up pretty quickly. The usual A-B and Schlafly products were readily available. One major disappointment was when a shot containing Crown was ordered for Wang by Flapjack and they did not have Crown. They had metal sign ads in the bathroom for Crown but none at the bar. The bartender improvised with something that made Wang almost hurl. Good work, man. Alcohol Grade: B+

Quality of women is of huge importance at a sports bar. This is obvious. Nasty women leads to filthy men and empty barstools, whereas hot women and cute girls pack in the guys. As noted in a previous column, most of us are married and not looking to hook up with any ladies. We just like being around fun, cute girls. Especially when we are acting like drunk pigs on a bachelor party. The nasty filthy women part of the evening will come soon enough, but while at the bar we need nice girls. All that being said, the 'scenery' at the Sports Zone was high quality. First off, we sat next to a birthday party full of cute girls. It was the standard seven girls and one dude. The guy was with one of them, though we didn't know who, and he looked like he was bordering between hanging himself and drinking himself stupid. Being out with seven hot women you are not dating would kick ass, but when you are out with seven women and you are with only one and these are her friends, no matter how hot they are, you want to die. These girls were talkative and more than willing to pose in horrible photos in the bar with Wang. We bribed them with a pitcher of A-B, but it may not have been necessary. They were totally down with acting like fools. Other women in the bar were coming over to the party to meet the now-infamous Wang. More photos ensued. Basically, this place had some cute girls, at least in our area, and they were all pretty darned cool. It might have been a fluke, but we were not complaining. I tried hard to get Unkie Herb hooked up, but he just wouldn't accept the layup shot. Too bad, Herb! Women Scenery Grade: A

I hate karaoke machines and corny DJ's, and the Sports Zone had neither. The St. Louis Sports theme was a huge favorite of Stlsports, of course. The place was huge, with tons of space to spread out, and you don't feel cramped. For the convenience of the patrons, there is a TV on in the bathroom, just a quick head tilt up and to the left of the urinals. Also, Doghair was charged a buck fifty for a bottomless pitcher of diet soda as the designated driver, which earns big points for the bar. The bar has a great location, conveniently located in a strip mall near the city/county border, so you can easily slide up to Johhny Gitto's if you are still rolling at one in the morning. Lots of parking is available and so is an ATM that surprisingly and fantastically did not charge a service fee is in the back of the parking lot. For the late-night drunks with the munchies, it is one mile from a White Castle and two miles from Steak n' Shake. Intangibles Grade: A

Saint Louis is littered with sports bars. Almost every neighborhood has a sports bar and each day I hear another one advertised on the radio. These guys got it right, with a fairly well-designed interior and a good staff of good-looking girls. It is an ideal location for me and my friends, but it still manages to draw people who don't live right up the road, which speaks to its quality. We had a great time, and everyone there treated us well, especially the other patrons who wanted to meet the then-infamous Wang. The table of girls next to us and our cooperative waitress gained the bar some points, as did the good food selection. Even when packed to all hell, we still found good seats and had a good time. Saint Louis Sports Zone Overall Grade: A-