The Rams have been pretty terrible on special teams the past few seasons, and the team has admitted to making some personnel and coaching gaffes in that department. Not since Az 'Skillet Hands' Hakim has the team been in a position to have reliable returns on kickoffs or punts, and the coverage unit has never really been elite. Under former head coach Mike Martz, special teams was an afterthought, and was accordingly neglected, giving the Rams the worst yards per return in the league in more than one season. Under current head coach Scott Linehan, things have slightly improved. However, the team took a few steps back on Monday night when the Bears returned two kickoffs for touchdowns. The front office has made no bones about who is to blame for these problems: the fans.
The NFL has been experiementing with getting fans more and more involved in the game this season. In many sports, the fans vote for the all stars. In some other fringe sports, the fans can give input on free agent decisions. But the Rams have decided to take this initative in fan interaction and couple that with the moribund special teams play of late to come up with a new idea. During the Monday night game, the Rams fans in attendance were asked to vote for the special teams play about to take place through text messaging on their cellular phones. The special teams, not really deemed all that important, gave the Rams a chance to get the fans involved at minimal cost. Or at least that is what they thought.
The Rams failed to calculate how many Bears fans would be in attendance, essentially dooming the team in the Monday night game, and additionally ensuring that this experiment will stop at one game.
Right after the first quarter Rams touchdown to Torry Holt, the public address anouncer directed everyone to the Jumbotron for a special message from Coach Linehan. He urged the fans to vote for their favorite play, within the time clock, and then he would radio it in to the team on the field. "Text your choice to 45454 and I will send in that play!," noted the pre-recorded message of Linehan. The options were: (a) kick the extra point; (b) go for two points; (c) fake the kick and then go for two; and (d) mess up the snap and get no points.
Said team president John Shaw on the promotion, "Well, dammit, I had no idea there would be so many Bears fans in the stands. As you saw, the 'mess up the snap' option won and that was the play we called. '56 Norwood Blue' was the play and darned if I ever thought I would see the day that one went out to the huddle during a real game."
Shaw also lamented the other later options in the game. "Why we had those kickoff return options up there for the Bears fans to stuff the virtual ballot box is beyond me. I can say we won't be doing that one again." He was making reference to the two kickoffs returned for touchdowns by Bears rookie Devon Hester. Before each kickoff, the fans were asked to select from: (a) deep kick for a touchback ; (b) surprise onside kick; (c) squib it to someone and tackle him immediately; and (d) kick it to Hester and nobody touch him. The Bears fans, living up to their Chicago heritage, voted early and often for the worst options for the Rams, which were believed to have been added to the poll as a joke by team management. The option for no one to touch Hester was selected as the winner twice, and those two scores essentially knocked the Rams out of the game, while simultaneously knocking their playoff chances out the door.
Coach Linehan remains optomistic, noting, "I think that taking the offensive play calling away from myself earlier in the season was a good call. Taking the special teams playcalling away might have been a good idea, but giving it to the fans was not a good idea. However, we can bounce back from this. I have brought in some special tools that I have been assured will help guide this team to a more efficient and balanced special teams attack. I have been hearing great things about the Ouija Board, and you can expect to see it on the sidelines before each special teams play this weekend."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
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