The Cardinals concluded their official end of season festivities a few days ago with the premier of the officially licensed DVD at Powell Symphony Hall. It was a fun event for fans and players, and everyone seemed to have a good time. After the event, the players and their families gathered at a local restaurant for a catered, casual event to cap of a magical season. Adam Wainright emceed the event, and a series of gag awards were given out to razz some of the players. A few of those awards and the associated recipients, however, feel that a few of the gag awards went a little too far, and some people reported being uncomfortable.
The ceremony started off innocently enough. Mark Mulder won the award for 'Worst Gas' and everyone seemed to think that was really funny, especially his road room mate and the people with adjacent lockers. Jason Marquis won the 'Too Much Cologne' prize, and the trophy was an empty bottle of Brut. David Eckstein won 'Most Hair Lost' for the season, John Rodruigez won 'Stinkiest Socks' and Tyler Johnson won 'Most Likely to be Traded to the Cubs'. Things were going well until a few of the veterans did not enjoy their gag gifts nearly as much.
Jim Edmonds, reached for comment, noted, "I don't know what the criteria was for these prizes or who exactly decided to give them out. I was not happy with mine at all. 'Most Likely to Pick a Fight with a Person in a Wheelchair'? That's not an award, that's libel!" So Taguchi had similar reservations with his prize, having won 'Worst Ass Hair'. He replied to questions on the award, adding, "This is something that brings me much shame. My family did not need to hear the team mock my abundant nether-region hair growth. My reputation as a clubhouse leader is shattered."
Team owner Bill DeWitt, who only learned of the fact that he won "Bony Old Man of the Year" at the ceremony during this interview, noted, "I can't say I'm happy about how this awards thing turned out. I was out of town lobbying Congress for funds to help my poor and impoverished team, and only heard about this recently. Swift action must be taken. I put Lamping on it, and he usually gets me results." Mark Lamping, in response to the assignment, stated that swift action would in fact be taken. "I will not sit idly by while players like Scott Rolen, who won for Biggest Hoosier, get made fun of. What really stinks for Rolen is that 'hoosier' in St. Louis does not mean an Indiana native. It means a complete, well, you know, hoosier. Not so flattering, but he didn't even get upset."
Jeff Suppan, who won two awards, one for 'Worst Acting in a Political Ad" and another for "MILFiest Wife", was also a little upset. "Okay, so the stem cell ad thing I might have deserved. I believed in it, and I did something about it, so gimme a break. But on that other award, now that I know at least a few of these guys are leering at my wife makes me a little uncomfortable. This entire thing has been a fiasco. They won't treat me like that on the Dodgers, no sir. And if they do, it's not something a cool twelve mill' a year can't fix."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
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