During the heated mid-term election here in Missouri, several constitutional amendments were on the ballot. One raised the minimum wage, while another would have raised taxes on tobacco to near national levels (the sticks are cheap-o here in MO!). One issue that got the most attention was the ballot measure known as Amendment 2, which would legalize all forms of stem cell research allowed by federal law. Many celebrities and noted civic leaders assured us that the measure banned cloning, at the same time urging us not to read it, but simply to vote as they tell us. Several others, opponents of the measure, claimed that a cursory reading of the measure showed that it did in fact allow cloning. [Why is this in a satire sports blog? Keep reading ...]
The amendment passed, but not without a fight from some notable sports figures, including Mike Sweeny of the KC Royals, Kurt Warner of the AZ Gridbirds, and David Eckstein and Jeff Suppan of the World Series Champion Cardinals. These uber-powerful sports figures, along with that wife from Everybody Loves Raymond and the guy who played Jesus in the movies, made it known that they were opposed to cloning and to the amendment, including Suppan, who appeared in an advertisement during the World Series game he pitched. Jeff, known amongst his teammates as sensible, intelligent and well-spoken, made some enemies in the clubhouse and in the fan base. Regardless, he has caged his words of late, noting that, if push came to shove, he would support the cloning of "hot-assed bitches."
Asked to elaborate on his comments, Suppan noted, "Well that stuff is going to happen, whether or not it did in Missouri or somewhere else. Why even bother trying to stop it? So while they are at it, why not clone me up some hotties? I could use a cloned Lindsay Lohan all for myself. Man, that sounds good." It was then explained to Suppan that Lohan is a little over half his age, to which he replied, "She's over eighteen, right? Okay, so leave me alone about that."
Other celebrities who spoke out against the measure have since come back towards the middle ground. Eckstein has asked researchers to provide him with a "nacho cloning machine", which was explained to him as not really the purpose of the amendment. Persistant, and perhaps not thinking things through, Eckstein is pouring thousands into nacho cloning technologies. Kevin Sweeney has asked Royals team management to clone him some teammates that can hit, field, pitch, run or just about do anything better than his sorry-assed teammates right now. And Kurt Warner has asked for a cloned assassin to kill his crazy wife. While these requests might seem idiotic and rediculous to us, just think of how crazy computers and blogs and toilets sounded to people just a few decades ago.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment