World Series Parade attracts record number of hoosiers

With the World Series parade came a great deal of revelers. The powerful KMOX signal created a radius of Cardinal fans hundreds of miles in each direction, and the KTRS signal keeps a few dozen of those fans happy with its craptastic broadcast. Everyone within Cardinal nation wished they could be a part of this memorable day last Sunday. Many people packed up and drove for hours just to get a glimpse of their favorite players. Some complications did arise when Redbird fans from less sophisticated areas of the midwest made their way into a large metropolitan area for the first time.

Reached for comment, Mayor Francis Slay, noted, "Saint Louis is a great place to visit and we would normally love to have a ton of out-of-town dollars being spent here. But some of the idiots that showed up for this parade really frustrated me and the other people who live hear year-round." Asked to elaborate, Mayor Slay responded, "That funny lookin light flashy thing is a street light, Zeke. And the red hand, as opposed to the white outline of a person walking, means 'Don't Walk'. Yes, Rusty, the big city lights can be frightening to those who dare venture out of their trailers and into urbania. Learn to use a crosswalk and don't snarl traffic to a halt, you hicks!"

County Executive Charlie Dooley added, "We have seen a great deal of business increases in the county and outlying areas, thanks to the tourists coming to the parades. The local grocers can hardly keep the Pabst and Stag on the shelves. Don't even get me started on the dollars being generated at our local Wal-Marts. And the gun shops, tobacco stores, RV rest areas and other fine establishments. It really is excellent."

Mayor Slay, continuing his comments, noted, "The hard, black top to the street is called black top. See, large machines come through and do something called 'lay pavement', and that makes a more durable right of way for automobiles. The fancy kind of autos, not the Duster or the Four-Wheeler. God, I hate those hoosiers. Don't you have baseball out in the sticks?"

[This story is a satire of public figures.]