The Saint Louis Cardinals, having just won their first championship in almost a quarter of a century, decided to celebrate in style. A fantastic parade and ceremony capped off an improbable run at the World Series title, and many of the fans chose to join the team responsibly in the revelry. Some people, apparently more and more each day, decided to celebrate in a less conventional manner, by committing violent crimes.
The Federal Bureau of Investigation has finally named St. Louis the most dangerous city in America. After years of trying to get over the hump, the city managed to get to the top of these infamous rankings. Said Mayor Francis Slay, "I can't say I'm thrilled. Frankly, this city has been slowly progressing deeper into the recesses of hell each year I have been in office. I swear, that is a coincidence. It has been bad enough being mentioned in the same sentence as cities like Reno, Laredo, Atlanta, Compton, and East St. Louis for crime statistics. But now to be number one? Damn it."
Not only did Detroit hand the World Series to the Cardinals on a silver platter, they also gladly passed the title of biggest criminal hellhole in the contiguous United States to the community here as well. Reached for comment, Tiger manager Jim Leyland noted, "Well the increase in crime is probably actually due to the Detroit fans that came down to St. Louis for a week. You don't really think those stats came out this weekend all skewed like that on chance, do you? Good old Detroit fans, spreading the love in St. Louis. I saw some real first-class Detroit-style crimes going on from my hotel room. Kind of makes you proud, seeing the hometown fans representing on the road like that."
Mayor Slay continued, "I am glad we overtook Detroit for the World Series, but not so glad we overtook them for the crime capitol. You know, those stats are for the city only, not the county or the rest of the metropolitan area. They are a little misleading. I need to become mayor of Belleville or Huntleigh or something like that. Crime city, USA, yessir. How the hell did I let the DNC talk me into running for this job?"
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
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