Americans have been worried about the Asian epidemic of bird flu. Not only does this terrible flu kill birds, but it can also kill humans, and hence the worries. Several careless Asian tourists have been suspected of unknowingly carrying the flu into America, where the population is waiting hopelessly with no mass-produced vaccine and with no natural biological immunities or defenses to this plague. Thankfully, the Cardinals have decided to re-sign outfielder So Taguchi.
When he is not busy being booed by Asian baseball fans not from Japan, Taguchi is tirelessly promoting Japan, including its tourism industry and rich culture. When something as ugly as the bird flu pandemic comes into the news, this hurts Taguchi greatly. Luckily, since he is Japanese, and hence Asian, he is natually immune to the bird flu, and thus can be useful in creating a universal vaccine, or at least that's what some Washington University researchers have told us.
Said Taguchi, "Yes, I am very most lucky baseball player, since I am not capable of contracting the bird flu. I have made my special blood donation most available to those scientists so that American baseball fans can participate in the healthy lifestyles of successful Japanese citizens." The secret project, codenamed "Operation Gootch", has been in the works for a couple of years now at the Washington University underground research bunker near the west end of Forest Park. Millions of taxpayer and fundraised dollars have been responsibly and carefully spent on researching this one man's blood.
When his contract expired at the end of this season, the project was put into jeopardy. Citing budget constraints, the Cardinals had planned not to resign the popular player. However, thanks to grants from the Carnegie Foundation and the United Way, So was resigned and can be available in St. Louis for the next couple of seasons. This is good news for fans of disciplined, fundamental fielding, as well as fans of not dying from bird flu.
Thank you, So!
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
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