Stlsports has decided to start occasionally reviewing local sports-themed restaurants and bars, as a part of the mission of keeping the readers informed on all things sports. Sports bars, being inherently related to sports, seemed like a logical progression in diversifying the type of fake sports news you can only get here and about a dozen other places on the web.
Last night, Stlsports went to the infamous Al Hrabosky's attempt at a sports bar, properly named Al Hrabosky's Ballpark Saloon. It was a kind of late night, hence the no-post-Wednesday. Here is the story.
A little background on the bar: Al Hrabosky was a fan-favorite sociopathic middle relief pitcher for the Cardinals back in the 1970's. He was known for his wild appearance and crazy behavior on the mound. After his playing days had ended, "The Mad Hungarian", as he became to known, got into the broadcasting business. Al can be seen giving color analysis with Dan "Homer" McLaughlin on Fox Sports Midwest. Soon the entrepreneur bug began to bite at big Al's heels, and he decided to open up a shrine to dram shop litigation, the Ballpark Saloon. The BPS is a giant series of metal sheds on a dilapidated parking lot, only a block and a half from the new Busch Stadium. Slightly farther away than "building collapse waiting to happen" Paddy-O's, the BPS has a steady stream of fans and a steady stream of booze. I have been there only twice before. The first time, it was the last Missouri stop on my bachelor party (think about that for a second ... oh, now you get it), and I went there a second time the next morning to pick up my debit card that I left there in a drunken stupor.
A little background on the evening: With me were Cupcake, of fantasy football fame, and Doghair, new to the Stlsports family. We decided to head down there to watch game four of the World Series within a few hundred yards of people who had paid much much more to see the game in person than we had. Doghair decided to hawk some tickets at several times face value. I swear I had nothing to do with that, Officers. Anyway, he told us that all the drinks were on him that night, as well as any food. This event was wife and child free, so we could act like pigs. We sat outside since it was so damned crowded indoors. Flapjack, also of fantasy sports fame, was a notable absentee. He is 'that guy' when the home team is playing an important game. He dogs on the hometown all the time. When the Rams lost the Superbowl, he was almost murdered by my party guests. He did manage to call and text obnoxious anti-Pujols messages. That dude (I love 'em) sucks ass sometimes, and he knows it.
We took the Metrolink downtown, on the eight hundred trillion dollar extension. It was nice, I guess. Very few shivings or shootings occurred on this trip, and most of the people that lived on the train tracks were also rooting on the Redbirds. On the way home, drunkass Doghair fell asleep on the train. Not having the heart to let him wake up alone and robbed at the airport, I helped him out at our stop. Metrolink Grade: B
Doghair kept pestering Stlsports and Cupcake to eat some food. Finally having some cash, he was happy to piss it away on us. Desperate to get him off of my back, Stlsports ordered a BBQ brisket sandwich for a seemingly reasonable seven bucks. Not my money, so what the hell. After being told what a loser I was for not ordering a twenty dollar slab of ribs, I told Doghair that I would make up for it on the beer end of the deal. The brisket was fine, slathered in sauce to hide the undoubtedly low grade of meat. I am sure it was up to health code. Hopefully. I'm positive the fact that I drank a third of a bottle of Pepto at work today is unrelated to that sandwich. Doghair ate a giant basket of fries by himself and did not get sick from it. In fact, those spuds probably kept him from yaking on the train ride out of downtown. BPS Food Grade: B-
Our waitress was pretty cute. She was not very flirty and since it was cold, we saw next to no skin. (Look, I know I am married, but hey I am a guy at a sports bar here.) She was quick with the beer when we asked for it, although that shit is so expensive. Good gracious! She earned huge points for letting wildly drunken Doghair pick her up unsuspectingly like a rag doll and jump around with her after a big play. He even spilt and broke a beer on the play. No complaints from her really boosts her score. She also did not complain when super drunk and rowdy dude in front of us shattered his plastic lawn chair while celebrating. Too bad Doghiar is a cheap tipper - she deserved better. BPS Waitress Grade: A-
The beer selection was pretty simple. If it was an A-B product and was in a grocery store, they probably had it. A six pack, served either in a six pack box or in a bucket, depending on the waiter, was twenty bucks. This is only a three hundred percent markup from the grocery store, which is a pretty incredible deal considering how close we were to the ballpark. It was particularly cost-effective, since Doghair paid for all of that crap. I like A-B as much as anyone, and the more you drink, the better it is. Like I said before, it was cold and came out to us quick. And I drank a ton of it. BPS Beer Grade: B
As earlier stated, we are all married men. We are not picking anyone up, or smootchin' on anyone. We just like looking at women who are acting like drunken idiots and who are flashing a little skankiness. That being said, there were a few hotties there. The cold weather prevented too much clothing augmentation of mediocre women. (Goodness that sounds so sexist.) We had fun trying to pick out which women had fake boobs, lips, butts, etc. and who was dressed far too slutty for their age. Lots of makeup going on at a rowdy sports bar. I was not very impressed, but I know that if it had been July, things would have been better. BPS Women Scenery Grade: C+
There was the typical corny white guy DJ working in the tent that night. He was a complete idiot. He played stupid music and just made us all want to punch him in the face. He misquoted famous movie lines, at the wrong times. This was worse than the corny wedding DJ, and you know who those morons are. The BPS DJ tried to break up the uncomfortable nature of the Anti-Proposition 2 commercial by making some jokes and playing some music. Didn't work - he came off as a jackass. That guy should be shot. Beaten and shot. And then near the late innings, some fairly decent skanky women started dancing on picnic tables. This was some good pevlic dancing and girating, perhaps done by amateur night semi-pros. We were cold and a little bored during the between inning breaks and this was a welcome change. Well, Mr. No Fun Security Guy told her to get off of the table. Thanks a lot, loser. Why don't you tell the DJ to cut it out instead of drunk dancing woman? BPS Non-waitress Employees Grade: D
Some other things about this bar made it a fun and unique experience. Bacardi women were throwing out some poser-tastic skull caps that K-Fed would have been jealous of. I saw Randy Kerraker, of 1380 AM ESPN Radio fame, and he is really nice in person. We did not, however, see Mr. Hrabosky himself. There is a one-way mirror going from the men's urinals out into the women's bathroom waiting line. You can see them fixing their hair, picking their teeth, moving their bras around in this mirror - pretty high quality. The place is also a big shed. A big damned shed with sports memorobilia hanging up all over the place. The parking lot could not have been that expensive to buy and he is selling expensive beers. The Madman is making some mad green. The irreverent T-Shirts were hilarious. They were not twenty five dollars hilarious, but you got a chuckle reading them on the way into the bar. It was a pretty fun place to watch a ballgame. BPS Intangibles Grade: A-
Overall, the Ballpark Saloon got mixed marks. I am sure that place is a little more fun for the guys in the warmer months. But as far as a place to watch the ballgame, it was pretty cool. The crowd there was pumped. The beer flowed freely. The women wanted to dance filthy-style. A nice night was had by all, except the DJ, who I hope got beat up and fired after the game. Al Hrabosky's Ballpark Saloon Overall Grade: B
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