Rain-out ensures a ride home full of profanities

The St. Louis Cardinals had planned on playing a little playoff baseball this evening, but Mother Nature had other plans. The cruel old hag that she is, she decided to dump a steady mist of cold, scummy rain on St. Louis over the course of the last twenty four hours. Now people in the midwest know why so many people in Seattle are depressed, pale and suicidal. Major League Baseball, working closely with the FOX television network (read: FOX is to puppeteer hand as MLB backside is to puppet opening), decided to postpone the game by a day after several painstaking hours of delays. Many fans have been sitting tirelessly in the stands, getting soaked with cold, dreary rain and while eating expensive hot dogs and drinking even more expensive beer. To some, this is an unfortunate experience that will sour the feelings of certain fans. (To me, sitting in my well-heated house, I am not so inconvenienced.)

Now that the game has been called, the multitude of hardcore fans have to trek back home in the wet, cold and crowded highways and byways. Several fans expressed their frustration with the situation. Noted one fan, "I am going to kick Bud Selig in the ass if I see him in person." Astutely observant, another attendee added, "I used to only hate FOX for paying Tim McCarver to ruin baseball broadcasts, but now I hate them for trying to squeeze in this game and only relenting after we had been sitting there for several terrible hours. I am going home to kick my dog, and possibly my children." Finally, another spectator summed up his experience with a range of colorful profanities, finally noting, "Well, at least I am all the more closer to the East Side. I may as well spend my beer money over there."

Reached for comment, MLB commissioner Bud Selig added, "This is unfortunate. But we realized that since no one outside of the midwest or Michigan was going to watch this game, no one that really mattered would be inconvenienced. No one, except of course my beloved and cherished East Coast sports reporters, without whom the nation would never know about how great the East Coast teams are. Too bad their contracts required them to attend this game. Really, I tried my best to get the Dodgers and Yankees in the World Series, but it just didn't work out. We have lost millions in advertising because of these two teams. They had to mess it all up. They have forgotten about the true meaning of baseball: advertising revenue. I am sorely disappointed in the Cardinals and the Tigers. I am considering putting them up for contraction in the offseason, I am so pissed off."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]