$25 gift card to Cardinals team store a shitty present

As the holiday season approaches, some people are thinking about what to get their loved ones or liked acquaintences for Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa or whatever people do around Christmas-time in Asia. Gift cards are excellent options. It's like giving money, only much more restrictive and requiring a trip to the store. Nothing says, "I don't know you well enough to know what to give you" like a plastic fake credit card to only one store. And the St. Louis Cardinals hope that many people out there follow the national trend of buying gift cards for the holidays, something that has been happening more often each and every year for the past ten years.

Said team chairman Bill DeWitt, "I used to get my nephews and nieces twenty five dollar gift cards to the music store in the mall for the holidays. But they would complain that it would only buy them one compact disc. What an incredible ripoff! Those magnificent bastards!" DeWitt, lost in sinister thought, began to gaze gleefully off into space. He was returned to the interview with a couple of stiff nudges, and then continued, "So I realized that we could do the same thing. Sell the gift cards in round number denominations that are a few bucks more than the prices of our best selling items. We used the mall music store model to increase revenue. Things have been a little tight around here lately, and it's time to trim the fat and look for some extra change here and there."

Asked to elaborate on this 'plan', DeWitt deferred us to team president Mark Lamping, who was busy washing DeWitt's car. Lamping, between waxing on and off, commented, "So an official t-shirt sells for $21 after tax. We sell gift cards typically for $25. This leaves change on the card that we already got paid when the first guy bought the card. Who is going to carry around a card with a couple bucks on it? So they either pitch it or buy more crap with their own cash. Really, that man is a genius. Oops, back to work! He is watching me from his window up there!"

Stlsports decided to investigate further. Upon arriving at the Cardinals Gift Shop, a $10 Hanes hooded sweatshirt was selling for $50 dollars. "The real value", according to the clerk, was in the "iron-on World Series logo", that cost a few cents to produce en masse. "It's a genuine, officially licensed sweatshirt," he boasted. And, added the clerk, "the sweatshirts were bought in bulk from Malaysia", and thus actually only cost about $4 each. "God Bless America", he added. Gift cards were being sold at denominations of $10, $25, $50 and $100. Most items cost a few dollars less than those denominations, the store having fully implemented the ingenious revenue-generating scheme of Cardinals management.

Forced to succumb to the marketing and pressure, Stlsports was cornered into buying a $25 card for Mrs. Stlsports for Christmas. After all, she has had her eye on that $18 baseball cap and has been yearning for a reason to drive into downtown St. Louis to go to a store conveniently located in the stadium. She will love it!

[This story is a satire of public figures.]