Interview: McGwire optomistic about HOF vote

Mark McGwire, the man who saved Major League Baseball while wearing a St. Louis Cardinal uniform, is on the ballot for voting retired players into the professional Hall of Fame this year. In exchange for his accomplishments, the national media and short-memoried fans have completely villified him with no evidence but that which their eyes can observe. A recent survey of twenty percent of voters for the HOF showed that he was well short of the votes needed to get the honor. Still, in spite of these criticims, McGwire remains optomistic.

Stlsports caught up with Mark on the golf course near his home in California, where he was hitting the hell out of the ball with each successive swing. When asked how he could explain such an incredible mass increase over a short period of time, he noted, "Who are you going to believe? Me or your lying eyes? Trust me, I am no cheater. I played the game honestly with honest, legal supplements. Now please leave me alone so that I may golf with Chris Pronger in peace."

Reports have been circulating that Jose Canseco plans to publish another tell-all book, timed to no doubt coincide with the Hall of Fame vote. Oddly enough, a second tell-all book by the same person on the same subject might tend to indicate that the first book was not really a tell-all but a tell-some. Reached for comment, Canseco noted, "Let's just say, a syringe full of drugs isn't the only thing I stuck in Mark's butt in a bathroom stall at the stadium. If you get my drift." Canseco then made the winky-winky elbow motion, incidating that perhaps he had a double entendre in that previous phrase. Jose continued, "I don't think Mark should get into the Hall. Not because he cheated, God bless him for that. I think that his off the field activities should ban him from the Hall. I think you know what I am getting at." He then made an imaginary butt-slapping gesture directly in front of him and started to sweet talk into the air. "That sort of funny business has no place in the Baseball Hall of Fame, if you ask me. No way. Please buy my book."

Confused, Stlsports decided to take this information straight to McGwire for comment. Upon hearing the narrative of the Canseco interview, and after Stlsports aped the pantomime performed by Jose during said same interview, Mark became visibly upset. He noted, "Why did you come over here to tell me this? All lies! Why does he lie?! You should not make me angry! You would not like me when I am angry!" Worried, McGwire then added, "Must get blood pressure down. Don't trigger it. Butterflies, rainbows, kitty cats, puppies, applesauce, sunflowers. Ahhhh. [Long awkward contemplative pause.] Now, let's not talk anymore about Mr. Canseco. That's all in the past, and I don't want to talk about it. Let's all be calm and not make me angry anymore."

After slowly backing away from the second McGwire interview, Stlsports took the issue to avid baseball fan and tireless Saint Louis sports promoter, Mayor Francis Slay, who noted that the entire issue has left him "now only more confused." Slay continued, "Sure, he saved baseball, and sure no one seemed to care that he was probably cheating until that Congressional hearing, but in the end he spent a bunch of time in a bathroom stall (allegedly!) with Jose Canseco with his pants at least partially pulled down. How in great goodness can that person be elected into the Hall of Fame? I can't answer that better than anyone else. That's why they get voted in, just like here in the City. Of course in the HOF vote, the voters are all alive and entitled to vote. None of that funny stuff we pull here in the Lou works in the Hall vote. Whoops, I've said too much. I'll be needing that tape recorder and your notebooks, please, you unscrupulous, lying sports reporters."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]